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Alienated from friends due to boyfriend's insecurities
I feel like my life is one for the scales, with one great outcome comes a terrible situation, and vice versa. Lately, things have been pretty low with my boyfriend- I've noticed that every thing I accomplish, he either shrugs it off (like it's a feeble feat.) or pulls out this talk that ultimately reiterates his insecurity that "I'm going to leave him and find something better." I recently landed a great job that I'm extremely proud of, and when I told him, he mocked it and complained about all of the "new guys I'm going to meet." When I made the dean's list this semester, he told me that when I go off to a better college (I'm in community college,now) that I'm "going to meet someone better than him." This has been the biggest problem of ours since our relationship started.
We've been dating for 4 1/2 years and for most of the time, I feel like I've been molded and conditioned to believe in what he's said. He thinks that if I have guy friends, and if he has girl friends, then we are obviously being devious. I keep trying to tell him that I want to move on from this negative and debilitating aspect of what our relationship has come to be , that I want us to have healthy social relationships and meet people together, with no stress put upon me to feel like I can't meet new people, but nothing works.
He tells me that if he doesn't worry about things like that, then that also means he wouldn't care about me.
I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this insecurity he has of me meeting new people is making my outlook on meeting new people - sour. I really don't have much friends, due to burnt bridges (from this exact reason in our relationship) - and now that I'm finally trying to have a productive social life- he steps in once again, hammering these words into me, it makes me feel guilty just talking to my new co-workers at all. Especially the men. I know I'm doing nothing wrong, but this lack of social activity because of my care for my boyfriends feelings is making me feel- alienated.
I have a clean slate in our relationship, I'm very loyal and have never intended to make my boyfriend jealous with the friendships I have had. Actually, he has been the one in the past to cheat (mentally, not physically. )
Even just writing this, I feel like I am writing in defense, because I am just so used to assuring my boyfriend that nothing would ever happen in regards to me and my guy friends, or going out with my friends alone. But he continues to stifle me, to the point where I in turn end up doing exactly what he doesn't want me to do- Which is, hanging out with my friends alone.. The thing is, everything would be fine if he was open minded. But since he doesn't want me to make friends in the first place- when I do make friends, I feel like I can't tell him, or I can't tell him that I made plans to hangout with them. This set's the cycle going, because he is creating a wedge between my social life and him- and I feel terrible, but I also feel like this is all very unfair to me.
On top of this, every time we go somewhere and I do know someone, I will never hear the end of it.
For example, the other night we had gone to his friends house to hangout.When we got there, a guy friend I had known from middle school was there. I had happily reunited with this friend, because we hadn't seen each other in ages. A couple of days later - my boyfriend starts asking me all of these nonsense questions; along the lines of "Did you ever date him?" or accusations like "I bet you had a "thing" with him and just aren't telling me"
Another example is when I want to hang out with my guy friends that are gay. One would think, as narrow-minded as I have to put it for my boyfriend, that at the very least, he wouldn't mind me hanging out with a guy that also happens to be gay. But it's the complete opposite. He hates all of my gay guy friends(the ones I used to have, and the ones I have recently made) , because he thinks that I'm "going to undress in front of them and let them touch me" --
Yes- these conversations are THAT ridiculous.
It's just so acidic and hurt my feelings when he talks like this.It also makes me feel very uncomfortable- like he's perverting all of my friendships and interactions. It gets me very angry because I know that it's not like that, but they way he sees it is just so screwed up, that I feel bewildered and like I had done something wrong to make him think that way. If it wasn't so often, I would understand. But it is literally, almost every day. It's like he views the freedom of having friends (mainly of the opposite sex) as basically "seeing other people." --Which in turn, makes me question what values he holds in the relationships he has with women (and if I, in retrospect, should be the worried one because of this)
At the end of it all-
Somehow, his "caring" message doesn't translate to me, he is hurting rather than caring, and I can't fathom his logic in any sense. Should I be the one worried, is he possibly making me feel guilty for something he can't fess up to? I really need help trying to get my point across, trying to figure out what his deal is, and basically just any tips/tactics/ pointers you guys can throw at me for dealing with this.
I want to have my social life and friendship blanket again, and I'm trying to rebuild the confidence that I had lost (I mostly feel really alienated and awkward around new people as a result of this relationship, which I have been working hard at to change. --I'm usually pretty outgoing, but when I'm around him it's like I shy right back up because I feel slightly threatened by his outlook of me ) I feel like I cannot move forward in this aspect of my life, while my relationship is like this.
Thanks for your time, sorry for the length
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You have to realize that even though you are in a relationship, you can't let that drain you and be the only thing your time and effort is vested in. While you should put time and effort into the relationship, it shouldn't be a burden. Your boyfriend needs to realize that just because he may not have the exact "perfect" life that he may want, that doesn't make it okay for him to spit on your accomplishments and aspirations. As you can see, a relationship like this has negative affects. Loss of friends, feeling guilty for things you shouldn't, and second questioning whether or not you should be proud of your accomplishments. I think it's best that you sit down and have a real talk with your boyfriend about how his negativity and insecurity is making you feel. Behind insecurity is simply fear. Try reassuring him that for one you're not gonna leave him, and two it's okay for you guys to interact with all types of people. After you talk this out with him, and if he still doesn't understand you should definitely consider the value of your relationship. I know it's difficult because, you've been dating him for 4 1/2 years, but you have to realize that it is unhealthy for you to feel like you can't live your life to the fullest because this person is weighing you down. I hope you make the right choice and that your boyfriend understands. Hoped that I could help.
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WOW, he is OBVIOUSLY a very insecure person if he thinks that you even speaking with others will result in you running off with someone else.
That would be an absolute breaking point for me.
Your partner should encourage you in life and want you to do whatever it is that makes you happy and betters your life with him, but it seems hes doing the complete opposite.
Ive lost friends because of things like this. Ive had good friends who told me they would never put a guy above our childhood 12+ year friendship and the BOOM they meet, start dating, and before i know it, their gone. Not that i am the kind of person that wants to spend every single day with my friends cause i have a young one and a husband myself, but what you have going on is just ridiculous. Your man sounds like he is insanely jealous and insecure of everyone around him because he knows he has big issues and you being around "normal" people or others might give you the comparison to you need to see that and then make up your own mind about him.
He also makes fun of you and ridicules your school stuff because your making something of your life and hes not or feels your really going places and are headed for success. (typical person feeling threatened thing)
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I'm sorry to say this, but why are you with this guy? You do not have a healthy relationship and he shouldn't make you feel the way you do. He is being very controlling and he is not trusting you. He is making you only have certain friends and making you get rid of others which isn't right because you need other friends to stay sane, it doesnt matter the gender
He is obviously not trusting you which means you need to dump his ass. The whole point of relationship is to trust your significant and there is no trust from what he is saying so, you need to firstly talk to him and serif he even trusts you and go from there.
Hope this hel[s
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A healthy relationship needs two whole, mentally stable, mature, self confident, giving caring people to be successful.
That saying about someone being your other half or better half is a bunch of baloney as far as Im concerned. Two halves, or one whole person matched with one half of a person doesnt add up to 2 wholes. Yes, you'd have one whole, but thats not enough. A good relationship is work and it takes 2 people putting in maximum effort to make it work, not one with insecurities, accusations, and a low self image. Men like that end up alienating the female from all outside friends, family and strangers. Some are not allowed to leave the house or the repercussions are verbal or physical abuse. A person like this slowly can little by little suck away your life, your vitality, etc. All the signs and examples you've given scream the message, "Get away from him immediately" but you haven't yet.
You and I are not the psychologist so there's no way to know why he is insecure but I can guarantee it won't end good if you stay. I am speaking from experience. I married at 20. The husband was unknowingly doing everything he could to drive me away. Why? Late in life, he finally saw a psychologist who discovered what started it. His mom was very ill at one point during his childhood. He heard the Dr. tell his Dad that Mom might not make it and die. He understood 'die' to mean that Mom would never return home, That she was choosing to desert him, leave him. Even tho she recovered, he carried on this impression to his dating years and drove away everyone but me. Oh he was trying. 'His sub conscious caused him to do things that would help him to bring to reality the thing he feared most so that he could prove he was right.' Thats what the Dr. said. It's a twisted way of living ones life. Who knows what put your guy on this path but without Dr. intervention AND your guy understanding and admitting he has a problem and totally wanting to get better, it won't happen. A person like this with issues such as these kinda senses something is not right but unwilling to look close enough at themselves. So in self preservation, they will point the finger at others and say that others at the ones causing problems just to take the focus off of him.
So if you want your life back, there is no way to get it back except for removing from your life, the person responsible for all the things that add up to you losing the life you want. I knew at the start that my husband was abusive, but I stayed cus of the church and beliefs taught to trust God to 'heal my marriage'. It wasn't until I was in my late 40s God got through to me and said that He gave everyone a free will including the husband, so if he choose to not deal with his issues and continue to treat me like this, He (God) couldn't interfere. But He could encourage me to use my free will to remove myself from the situation. I had to realize that loving myself enough to do so, is not a selfish thing. that 'love your neighbor as yourself' thing in the bible really means you need to love yourself before being able to love others. The verse carries a stronger message about loving yourself, even though you know you come with your own set of spots and wrinkles.
That being said, is there any reason why you might feel that for the past 4 1/2 years that there was a good enough explanation for staying with him? Obviously, you know what this is doing to you and you don't like it. If there is something lets say in a food choice that you try and don't like, you aren't going to make yourself eat it every day, are you? It shouldn't be any different in your situation. Do you feel your deserve this somehow? Are you hoping to fix him? You can't, the desire must come from within and the guidance of a mental health doc. Are you afraid that somehow, if you dump him, you won't come across another guy who asks to date you? Are you willing to really settle for less than the best for you? Did you ever really have a strong self confidence in yourself? Does a self confident woman lower her standards to go into such a relationship? Ask yourself these questions and see what comes up in your mind. If you feel you need to talk further, I'm here, just go to my column though to contact me, not the comment site for ratings, cant answer there.
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