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How to not be disappointed whenever he doesn't fall through
21/f, 28/m
Let me first say that I am the type of person who likes it when people fall through with what they say. I try to live up to my values, morals, and I try my best to be dependable, and I try my best to fall through with what I say. I don't ever cancel on someone unless I'm terribly sick. I would even show up late instead of not show up at all. So, this might be one of the reasons why this problem bothers me.
I've been dating this guy for almost a year. This sounds terrible for me to say, but when it comes to him falling through with what he says, I can turn him into a gambling game. There are times when he says that he'll show up to something, he'll call, etc. But then plans change and he cancels.
For example, a couple of days for Thanksgiving, I wanted him to go to the ranch for dinner, meet some of my family members, etc. He said that he will and that he was planning to... An hour before leaving, he cancels. For Thanksgiving, he actually does come over to my house and he got to know my parents and my sister. For Christmas, he finally did go to the ranch and met my other family members. There are many/multiple times where he does tell me that he will come and see me or he wants to see me, he doesn't fall through with it... Sometimes letting me know when it gets too late.
It gets to the point where I try to have low expectations and not expect him to come at all... I thought it would be better that if he did show up, then it would be a nice surprise instead of getting disappointed every time he doesn't fall through with what he says. And it's not that he doesn't have a valid reason to not show up or anything, I understand why he can't go or why he can't do something. It's just hard to not be at least a little bit disappointed because I was looking forward to it, preparing to see him, etc.
How can I stop getting disappointed when things don't go as planned or if he doesn't fall through with what he says?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you are always there for him and he may or may not be there for you, then you have made a decision about your relative value.
You know, there's half a million guys within five miles of you who are perfectly decent human beings who will turn up when they say they will, but oh no: you want *this* guy.
You need to work out why that is.
And you probably need to see someone else. This guy is not a long-term prospect, you know?
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First, I have no idea what you meant about turning him into a gambling game. As far as attempting to change another person, it's not possible. Change only comes from a desire within a person to do so, not by the efforts of people around them.
I think you meant the phrase "Follow through" as I've not heard of Fall through unless that's some new slang young people use. I believe the word you're looking for is renege, meaning when people go back on a promise.
There are those who habitually go back on promises and have nothing unexpected that came up to change plans.
And there are those who may have poor time management skills which may make it seem they are going back on promises.
Finally, there are those who meant to keep their promise but life brought the unexpected that altered their plans.
I have a family member who has it in their head that their idea of how their day show go, their idea of how their relationship should go, and how life should go, are too rigid, too exact, leaving no room for the inevitable unexpected things in life that can change ones plans and this person I've watched literally have a melt down over an item being forgotten at the grocery not having to go in to work late to take care of replacing a car window that vandals broke. They couldn't handle anything that wasn't playing in the movie in their head. I was called upon to go take their car in for new window. You are 21, and are going to find that life brings the unexpected more often than you would like. If you want to navigate life without major stress, depression or melt downs, then learn to expect the unexpected and learn to go with the flow of life rather than try to fight the current always trying to go upstream.
This guy doesn't sound like a flake, if he was, he would still be trying to avoid meeting your relatives. Did he explain why he had to change plans? If not, did you ask? Yes, you had a right to know why but if you didn't ask, then thats your problem, not his. There are some people in a job where there is no predicted time they will be done and that can mess up their schedule.
If he is a man who understands priorities as an adult and keeping them at the forefront, like his job for example, then he is actually a very responsible young man. Some young people see the clock hit quitting time but you are in the middle of a task that must be completed and can't wait until the next day. Are you going to risk a job just to leave 'on time' cus you planed to race to the bank before they close, etc... Imagine you are the last caller into a call center, needing assistance and the clock hits 5 and the person helping you hangs up because it is time to leave cus they have plans. I am not a counselor dear, and can't tell you what might help you not be so dissappointed when things don't go as you plan. In my family, the person with the same problem ended up diagnosed with a mental disorder. That may not be the case for you but a counselor can help you with restructuring any negative thought patterns. Good luck.
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By the looks of it, this depends on what valid reasons he has.
It sounds that he is invested in this relationship well, and if he has work or some other sort of important stuff, I believe that you need to understand that his reasons are completely valid.
A lot of this depends on his reasons.
Other things to consider include that he is scared to commit to you, and there are not enough details in your relationship to evaluate that.
Do not lower your expectations. Rather understand why he chooses not to show up, and why he decides to back out. Have you ever asked him why he specifically canceled? He can possibly be playing (cheating) on you, depending on how often you see him and what not. This is not too probable, so do not worry, but keep it in the back of your head.
There is also a lack of communication. Have you spoken about this to him directly?
It sounds odd, and you should speak to him about why he decides to cancel early.
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