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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I am a fourteen-year-old freshman female.
So, the thing is that I'm random. I'm thinking that because of that, boys choose to avoid being in a relatioship with me.
For an example of my randomness: I will be the kind of girl who skips down the hallway singing, "If You're Happy and You Know It". I would say, "The stick people are here to conqure the world and kill us all!" randomly in class.
As for the boys, I do believe that they flirt with me a lot because, for example: They insult me in a playful manner, try to take stuff of mine, etc. However, they NEVER go any farther than that. Most of the time they go out with one of my friends or other classmates.
Now, I generally can't help the randomness for the sake of my santiy, and I've tried to calm myself down, but it generally doesn't happen. So we know that me changeing for a boy is out of the question.
So, forgive me for making the question seem so long, what exactly is going on? How could I fix it? Will it be like this for a while?
I would greatly appreciate it if you give detailed (As detailed as possible) advice.
Thanks!
The Answer
Two things are going to happen in the next few years.
The first one is that the boys around you will gain a bit of confidence. You need to recognize that it's not only the 'random' that puts them off you - it's the strength and self ownership it takes to be that way. It takes a lot of confidence, and a lot of strength to simply enjoy your whims.
Obviously boys enjoy your company, but very few will have the nerve to take it further than that. You are not approachable for an insecure, inexperienced teenage boy. Random and flighty will often appear self-involved and frightening. They are still learning how to approach girls for ‘something more’ and you are a high stress, high risk approach.
At the same time as they are learning to approach different kinds of girls, YOU will learn how to give them the space and permission to approach you, and how to approach them yourself. You will find ways to make space for someone else, to welcome them and not let your random act as a barrier or a fence to keep them out. You will learn how to not appear, and not be, self-involved. You have to remember the downside of the self-confidence to what you please and embrace your impulses, is being self-involved enough to do what you please and embrace your impulses.
You probably haven’t found the balance between those two elements yet. I don’t think I really learned how to walk that line until I was in my twenties.
The second thing is that you will probably mellow out a bit. Not calm down, just that the edges of your random will get softer as you get more experience and more information about the world. People stopped calling me ‘random’ by the time I graduated high school. At 14 I was 'random' and 'crazy', but at 17 I was ‘clever’ and 'artsy'. It's really important not to dig your heels in and cry "I'm never gonna change!". You are going to change a lot in the next few years. That is the awesome thing about being a teen. You get to learn, and grow and change your mind faster and in ways adults just aren't as free too. Certainly don't force yourself to change for a boy, but stay open to changing and learning how to relate to different people and different situations in ways that work best for everyone.
Really, at fourteen years old you’ve only had about a year, maybe two, were it wasn’t totally insane to try to date. You’ve got a lot more years, and a lot more people, ahead of you. The best thing you can do is not pretend that what you’ve experienced in the last 8 months is going to be same pattern for the next 8 years. It’s really doesn’t work like that.
EDIT
Hey Witty - let's call it charming, or great-minds-think-alike instead. ;) But yeah, it's a wild sometimes how we hit all the same points.
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The Question
My girlfriend and me have been doing it for a few weeks. I notice she is really scared of me finishing in her. It's weird because she says not to at least 2 or 3 times every time. I really kind of want to do it anyway but I think she'd just freak out all over the place over it. What should I do about this? How risky is it anyway? She seems to think she could get pregnant instantly and I keep telling her that one time isn't going to knock her up.
The Answer
If you cum inside her knowing she doesn't want you too, and just surprise her by doing so, you'll be acting like an abusive asshole. That is sexual assualt.
Don't do that. It's not okay.
If you are not using condoms, she could get pregnant. In fact, it's reasonable possible she could get pregnant without your orgasm if you are not using condoms.
If she is young and healthy, she will get pregnant very, very easily. Your idea that 'One time isn't going to knock her up' is absurd. One time is all it takes, and there is no perfect way to know which one time will be the one time.
If you are using condoms, or another form of birth control, than the only thing you can do is make sure you are using them properly, and give her time. Obviously she knows what you would like, but you absolutely must wait until she is comfortable. You NEVER get to force a sex act on someone else that they are not comfortable with.
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The Question
I got a bruise on both my big toenails from wearing flats that were a bit too tight. It's been more than a month since I gotten the bruise. It hasn't hurt since then and it's not causing me any discomfort. Should I go to my doctor or wait it out? Also, how long does it take for the bruised toenail to grow out?
The Answer
I'm sorry to say it, but if you've damaged the nail itself (not just the flesh beneath the nail) it will be about 6 months for it to grow out completely.
Your toenail may or may not fall off, or some of it may, but not all. It's okay. It's really sensitive for a day or two, but there is nothing to be afraid of.
I destroyed the big toe nail on my right foot in almost the exact same way five months ago. After a month or so, most of it fell off. Now the last bruise bit is right at the top and will be gone in a few more weeks. My understanding is that is about a standard time frame.
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The Question
I was friends with this woman who was married and always flirting.I flirted back,thought it was a game,and nothing ever happened between us,even though she said she wanted to.Well,long story short,I was in the hospital for a lung infection overnight.While I was gone,she sent,like 4 e mails,all talking about how her husband ran marathons for some mega-corporation,knowing I was in the hospital.She didn't say anything about how she hoped I would get better.Also,I think she is a swinger.I stopped talking to her..Do I need a friend like this? What makes a person be like this,and what happens to them? Now she is stalking me.
The Answer
How is she stalking you?
So what if she e-mailed you and was selfish and rude? You already knew she was selfish and rude.
If you've stopped talking to her, that's great. You've already decided she isn't your friend. The next step is to stop thinking about her so damn much and playing it over and over agian in your mind.
If she is harassing you call your local police on an non-emergency line and discuss the problem with them. If she isn't, ignore her and learn how to not care.
Your obession with 'Why is she doing this?' is feeding into the cycle of attention seeking behavoir.
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The Question
A couple of years ago, I fell in love with my best friend. The whole thing went way bad, and the reprecussions hurt so much that I literally buried the pain and memories so deep that I didn't even remember any of it. Ever since then, I've had major commitment issues. I'm talking 2-and-a-half week long relationships. I had one that was longer. He was by far the best guy that I have ever had, but I still couldn't figure out what was missing.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream. In that dream, I remembered everything. I woke up crying and in pain. Fresh pain, but I realized that I was still in love with him. Head over heels in love with him. Well, I wasn't planning on saying anything, especially since I moved about two years ago, I'm on the other side of the world, and he has a girlfriend that he's mad in love with. Well, that didn't quite go as planned. I don't know how or when, all I know is that I woke up to a sent message to him. I read the message, and it talked about how in love with him I am, and how much it hurt/hurts. I went numb with worrying about what he would say. He never did give me an answer. But we came to an agreement that we would forget what happened, and we've been able to talk as friends since.
The worst part? I met another guy. He is amazing, everything that I would ever hope to ask for. I am starting to really like him, and he likes me. There is a slight problem with age. He's two and a half years older than me, which wouldn't be a problem if I weren't 17. He doesn't care though, and I don't think it's that big of a deal since I will be turning 18 in two months.
Where I am having trouble is who do I choose? I am still in love with my ex/best friend, but I can definately see myself with my new guy. Both have problems when it comes to being with them, but I don't know if I should go for it with the new guy, or if I should worry about the whole 'head over heels' thing with a guy that I won't be able to have. Please help me >.
The Answer
Stop telling yourself these destructive stories.
Stop telling yourself the story where you have 'commitment issues'. There isn’t any reason here to think you have commitment issues. You are seventeen: you are growing and learning and experiencing what it means to be in a couple. When you are 25 and can't get past the two month mark, then we talk commitment issues. At seventeen, it’s good for you for not wanting a boyfriend so bad you’ll settle for anyone who stumbles across your path. Quick short dating is a good way to go until you find someone worth your while.
Stop telling yourself you can’t date someone 2 ½ years older than you. Check the age of consent in your area, but there are only 2 states where a 17 year old can’t date a 19/20 year old legally. Your age difference isn’t a problem in law UNLESS this guy is your teacher or youth pastor or in some official position like that.
Stop telling yourself you’ve got a chance with someone who is long distance, and in a relationship with someone else. You probably don’t. He didn’t respond to your admission of love because his silence was the kindest thing he could say. It isn’t a case of ‘having problems when it comes to being with him’, it’s a case of he is NOT available. He isn’t an option right now. You haven’t suggested any rational reason he might be an option in the near future.
You are all up in your own head hun. You need to get out of yourself for a few minutes and take a look at the world that really exists around you. Take a shot with the new guy in your life if you want too, but don’t weigh it down with illusions and stories – you’re doomed from the start if you approach it like that. Be real and in the moment and see where it takes you.
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The Question
I started dating my boyfriend a month ago. The night I met him, he was with a guy I went to school with and the guy's girlfriend. It was my first time meeting the girl, but since me and my boyfriend started dating we've gotten pretty close. My boyfriend spent the night with me last night and when he was asleep the girl called me crying. Her and her boyfriend were fighting and she asked if I could do her a favor. I said yes, and she gave me his myspace email and password and told me to go on there and check his messages for her. I didn't want to do it, but she was crying and I have a really hard time telling people no, especially if they're upset.
So, I did. My boyfriend work up and found out what I was doing and got really upset because the guy is like a brother to him. I apologized to my boyfriend, and I honestly feel horrible about what I did. Now I don't know what to do. I want to tell the guy what I did since I feel like he deserves to know, but the girl begged me not to and it would probably start a lot of drama between them, and possibly me and my boyfriend since he lives with them. I feel so guilty about what I did, but the girl will be really upset with me if I tell.
What should I do?
The Answer
Keep apologizing to your boyfriend, and tell your female friend she behaved badly.
I understand why you’d want to confess. Unfortunately it might not be the best move, since you wouldn’t be able to apologize for your part in what happened, without also exposing her.
Have a really firm talk with her. It sounds hard, but it really is what you need to do in order to A.) Work on not being such a pushover and B.) Let her know where you stand.
She needs to be told that what she asked you to do was despicable and not at all okay.
She needs to be told that you regret it, it won’t do anything like that again.
She needs to be told that you won’t say anything to her boyfriend, but she should.
She needs to be told that if she is going to come to you as a friend for support, you’ll be there for her, but that she cannot ask you do something unethical. A friend doesn’t ask you to lie or cheat for them. It’s not nice, and it’s not decent.
It’s okay if she’s upset with you. Better she be upset with you than try and drag you into her bullshit behaviour again. If she wants someone to invade her boyfriend’s privacy, next time she can call someone else.
Telling your boyfriend that you stood up to her, and told her you thought you were both wrong and that she is never to put you in that position again, will probably help him begin to trust you again. You need to prove that you can stand up for what is right, and not be pushed around by the emotions of others.
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The Question
18/f
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for like 18 months and we have not had sex. I know thats a good thing and I know hes a good guy obviously but he really has no interest in having sex. I just think it's weird granted I am his first girlfriend and first everything in the relationship department. So he is a virgin and I am not. It's not like I really need to do it but I honeslty liked having sex. My previuos bf was the only guy i did it with and we dated for a year before it happened. Anyways, I have talked to my current boy about it and he just doesn't get why I would want to have sex. It's to the point now we hardly ever "mess around" anymore. Its just weird to me and I feel like thats what people do who love each other and it brings you closer you know? I know we are young too but It's a natural feeling. What do you guys think?
The Answer
I think you aren't compatible as a couple.
There is no right or wrong answer to this question. There are only the answers each person is comfortable with. He is comfortable with, and seems to desire, a very different physical relationship than you do.
That doesn’t make either of you wrong. However, it likely makes you wrong for eachother.
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The Question
i have been getting drunk and "sluttying" it out for a week and i really didnt know my limits. i thought it was all fun and no consequenes.
the other night i got drunk and ended up getting with this boy who has a very serious girlfriend.
it was mutual no one forced the other one, then midway thorugh our hookup his friends came in a stopped it becasue they knew hed regrett it and everything.
and i ran out covering my fave shamefully.
i woke up the next mornign feelign awful.
my friend bumped into the boy and boy was so mean. said make sure she doesnt tell a soul no one oculd ifnd out. she forced herself on me. i didnt enjoy it etc.
i am so mordified and i just feel so ashamed.
i am DONE doing that i really am changing. i am quitting drinkign and the next boy i kiss will be on a legit care about.
just i cant stop feeling bad about myself because of this boy.
i do not have feelings for him but he just dispizes me so much and hates me and make sup that i forced myself on me that i just ahte myself so much and i really just want to go away.
how do i move on from this?
(this is really coming from a serious place this question, if your going to say stop being a slut dont bother- i know i did stupid things and i know i was very whore-ish and thats why im seeking advice)
The Answer
Take a deep breath and call it a learning experience.
Sometimes embaressment is a good lesson. In your case, it looks like it might help you find some healthier bounderies.
Thats the first way you help yourself get past this: Recongize it for the lucky event that it was. The lucky event that will help you be a better, happier, nicer person in the future.
The second way you move on from this by realizing this guy is an asshole.
You didn't rape him. You probably didn't even force yourself on him. That's just the story he is telling others, himself and maybe even his girlfriend, to excuse his part in it.
It's low, it's cheep, and it's mean.
He doesn't hate YOU. He hates what happened, and in order to avoid taking any responsibility himself, he has decided to place all the blame on you.
He's wrong and he is being an asshole.
Stay away from him. If other people bring it up with you, tell them the truth: That it was a mistake and you regret it. But it was a mistake you both made. You didn't force yourself on him, and he didn't force himself on you and he is being a cowardly pussy trying to make it all your fault when it isn't.
It's gonna hurt for a while and that's okay. When we make mistakes it does hurt. But just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you can't stand up agianst his bullying and lying or that you have to feel extra bad because he's being a scum bag.
Your job is take responsibility for your own actions and try to do better. I hope you can do it. I believe you can.
Hopefully, someday he'll do the same.
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The Question
so my boyfriend and i have been going out for about three months and on friday he tells me that he's going out with friends for the weekend so he thinks something is gonna happen( meaning he might mess around with another chick) and he says if anything happens he will be honest with me about it so i'm like wtf is he being honest saying he cares or is he just taking me for granted
please help
The Answer
If he is being honest, he honestly just told you that he is going to cheat someday.
Tell him he doesn't get any bonus points for setting up an escape route just in case he cheats.
If he feels he can't help himself - dump him. People CAN stop themselves from cheating, and it sounds like he just tried to get forgiveness from you BEFORE he did anything wrong. It would be a smart move - if it weren't so stupid.
You need to outline what cheating is, and that he doesn't get a pass just 'cause he told you he might cheat. In fact, him knowing that it's a risk, means he has an even greater responsibility to be faithful.
If he can't be faithful, he can't be in relationship with you.
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The Question
My girlfriend is really pretty and we've been dating for 4 months. Before we started actually dating she told me about her passed and that she's hooked up with a lot of guys. She told me that it was "more than a dozen" guys she's had sex with before. I love her though and I told her it didn't matter and I loved her anyways. Well, lately she is been hanging out with these groups of guys. I know for a fact she's had sex with some of the guys more than once because she told me that before. I told her that it hurt me she was spending time with these guys that used her and she told me that it makes her happy to be able to spend time with these guys. I'm really actually getting mad because I'm hurt by all this and she doesn't understand what it's like to hear her laughing on the phone when they're out and me not knowing if she's REALLY safe from these creeps. I want her to have friends, boys and girls, but not the people who she has had sex with? especially that this one guy she keeps hanging out with told me (at school lunch break) he's been having sex with her when they get together. I don't believe him but I do think he's been hitting on her and that pisses me off that she lets that go on.
What do i do about this mess?
The Answer
Ask if you can come out with them, and be polite and friendly.
You are worried for your girlfriend's safety - and that makes sense. However, you can't change the fact your girlfriend has made some really bad choices in the past, and you can't give her orders about who she can or can't hang out with (yes, even if she has slept with them in the past, and even if they are creeps.)
The only thing you can do, is either be supportive and respect her choices and what she says to you OR dump her.
If she feels safe with these friends, you either have to trust that she is right about that or break up with her. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make her understand if she simply honestly doesn't see it your way.
But give hanging out with her friends a fair chance. You might find that they are harmless jokers - a bit offensive - but not dangerous. Also, having you near might help her see any inappropriate treatment she might be receiving.
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The Question
I'm 25 and I've never had my first kiss with a guy yet. It never did bother me until recently when my friend found out and she was pretty shocked. I'm a pretty girl and take care of my body but I guess I'm just not a "people person" and haven't seriously dated or been seriously interested in someone. Is something wrong with me?
The Answer
Do you feel there is something wrong with you?
Do you feel dissatisfied? Isolated? Unsuccessful?
It's best not to ask other people what you should feel. It's your life. If you feel unhappy about something in it. If you feel you are missing out, or not functioning properly, then go to therapy and talk over your concerns.
If you are happy, and satisfied with your the way your life is going, don't worry so much if your life is different from the norm. Never kissing a guy by 25 is going to be different from many, and different from what most people are told they are supposed to want. That doesn't necessarily mean it is wrong for you.
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The Question
I'm 16/F and my mother is 53. She's recently started losing handfuls of her hair, which was already thin to begin with and she's freaking out that it might be the water or her health.
Well, I am also losing my hair after I take showers. I lose big handfuls of it, but my hair is super thick and dark, so it's not even noticable, not as much as hers. I shower about every other day and she showers every day. I use a teatree shampoo special for dandruff and my mother uses suave. Is she just freaking out and is my shampoo messed up? Or is it the shower? I need help because my mom is a super spazz!
The Answer
You are perfectly normal. Thick, long hair sheds. A lot.
Your mother is likely just aging (or, spazzing for no reason at all). Have some sympathy and listen to her spazz. Getting old is scarry. It's unlikely her shampoo or the water is doing anything. She should get some advice from her salon, or from her doctor if her hair is getting noticeably thinner. There may be better shampoos or styling tools for her.
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The Question
My girlfriend and me want to start having sex and so I was going to buy condoms but I'm only 15 and I don't want to be denied at the register and all of that embarrassment. How old do you have to be to buy condoms and is it safe to get somebody older than me to buy them for me? I was thinking the age limit is 18 to be able to purchase condoms but I really can't remember because it seems like I heard that years ago. What's the age in which you can buy condoms without an adult?
The Answer
You can buy condoms at any age.
If someone denies you at the register (and it's very unlikely, but yes it can happen) go to another store OR if you are feeling really ballsy, ask to speak to a manager.
The manager of the store has a right to deny you service for almost any reason, but they likely don’t know that and most managers would be pissed to find their staff refusing to take someone’s money. If you say you are trying to buy a legal product and they are discriminating against you because of your age, you’ll probably give them a scare, and at worst, they’ll say no again and you’ll just have to go to another store anyways.
I once had a woman make a very disparaging comment to me while I was buying condoms, and I was twenty one. This is what I said to her
"If you are refusing me service, I want to talk to your manager. If you aren't, great, could I get a plastic bag please?"
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The Question
I have been teasing my boyfriend through texts and when we're together about sex. We've been sexting for a few weeks and talking dirty for awhile too. I guess I just thought it was cool to get him all hard and turned on wanting me. I told him we could totally have sex this weekend when we were talking about stuff and I was thinking. My parents are gone for all of saturday and part of sunday and he knows it. The truth is I really don't want to lose my virginity yet. He's all worked up over it and even told me he's bought condoms today for this weekend together. How do I tell him I'm really not ready to start having sex? We're both 17 if it matters.
The Answer
You just tell him. Plainly, directly and clearly.
And you tell him BEFORE he arrives this weekend. So he has time to process and understand your seriousness. Try to avoid text messages (they are too short, and are stressful). Call him or write him an e-mail if you can't talk face to face.
He is going to be a little annoyed with being teased and lead on. He is going to feel like you changed your mind on him. He is going to be a bit hurt.
His feelings deserve respect. It's not your fault you changed your mind, you didn't do anything wrong! Just be respectful and acknowledge the confusion and disappointment he might feel. None of that means you should sleep with him, but let him have his own feelings about it.
Then do yourself a favor and make plans for the weekend that will keep your minds off of it. Don't just sit together in silence and brood about it. Make a cake. Carve some pumpkins. Go out and do something. Sitting around and cuddling all weekend might sound nice, but it's probably not the best way to help you both enjoy one another's company after this sort of discussion. So make sure your time together includes a bit of activities other than making out and cuddling as well to help you both get over the confusion and discomfort.
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The Question
My gf and I just started having sex 2 months ago. She's been with 6 guys before me and all that. I can't make her cum and she said it's because my penis is too small. She wants me to make it bigger by taking the pills they sell the stores. I am only 17 and I think you have to be 18 to buy the pills. What can I do for her instead? I feel bad because she's so sure it's because my penis is too small and that's embarrassing. Shes really into having sex and if she can't get off she is really unhappy. Should I just break up with her so she can be with a guy who is bigger? I get hurt feelings because after sex every single time she goes on and on about the problem
The Answer
The pills don't work anyways. Nothing will make your penis larger.
If something actually worked, every man would be running around with foot long dicks - nothing does. The only possible option is very expensive, and very dangerous, surgery.
Your girlfriend is being an asshole. She might also just be young and inexperienced, however, she her behaviour is vile. Imagine how she would feel if you went on about her needing to get breast enlargement surgery each time you had sex? How disappointed you were with the size of her breasts? How you needed her to change her body to satisfy you?
She would call you a misogynistic asshole if you did that. And she’d be right.
Her behaviour right now is just as bad.
For that reason, you should consider dumping her. Her selfish disregard for your feelings in the way she has chosen to bring up this issue with you (plus the fact she was daft enough to think those pills actually work) make her rather lousy girlfriend.
If you don’t want to dump her, and want to help her achieve orgasm with you – buy a large dildo and incorporate it into your sexual activities to help her reach orgasm. It’ll be cheaper in the long run than those damn pills, and it has a chance of actually working.
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The Question
Okay, So me and Gio? of course i havent been listening to anyones advice.
Hes 19 I'm 14. I was ignoring him at the party, he went to his ex. I found out nothing happened that night with them and I was relieved.
We didnt talk for like a week or two.
Outta no where last night my phone rang and it was Gio. He wanted to see me. So i went to kick it with him. We drank a little with some people at his friends house.
Then all his friends left except one but he was passed out. So me and Gio just sat there talking for hours.
And heres EXACTLY what he told me.
"Okay, i really like you a lott, The first time we ever kicked it, it was just like a little crush, then we stopped talking and i said whatevers, Now that we've been kicking it a lot lately, i like you hellla, and i do wanna be with you, i want you to be my hyna, but fuck, your 14. I know i could get in trouble for that shit. I dont wanna risk getting in trouble. If it was legal, I'd let the whole fucking world know that you're my hyna. But your 14. Whatever we got going on, well i dont want it to end because pues i really like you."
Then i said,
"So you can fuck me but you can't DATE me?"
He said,
"Neta, when i got a girl i let the world know, and i dont keep that shit on lock, and what we do nobody has to know. your just damnnn, too young."
i just stayed quiet, and he kept looking at me asking if i was okay, and i just said yeah.
But my question is, Should i just let him go because i know we're not getting anywhere because I'm 14?
Or should i just stick around and see if maybe we do stand a chance. How is he REALLY gonna get in trouble if its okay with my parents?
I just have no idea what to do!
Help?
The Answer
Yes, he could get into serious trouble, even if it was okay with your parents. The law doesn't care if your parents think it's a good idea or not.
Check the age of consent in your state, but in most states 19 and 14 counts as statutory rape. As much as you might care for this numbnut, you owe him better then to help him get himself labelled a sex offender for the rest of his life.
Stop taking his calls. Stop hanging out with him. That’s the nicest thing you can do for him. So do him a favour and stay away.
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The Question
I will try and keep this as short as possible. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months about 3 months ago now. I do regret it now, we remained friends but things were awkward (understandbly). I was going through a lot at the time and I didn't want to bring my ex down with me, I was constantly stressed and I could see how much it was affecting him. We constantly argued and it didn't feel like a REAL relationship to me so I did what I thought was best.
Ok so i'm in a better place now. I KNOW that I can't click my fingers and get him back, I wouldn't expect that - and I never asked him to wait around for me to be in a better place. We don't speak that often, maybe 3 times a week. I told my ex I wanted to give the relationship another try if he was interested. I totally understand that he wanted to think it through and I have been very patient with him. Although I have been chasing, telling him how I feel about him, talking about the good times and he even kissed me. This has been going on for over a month now and basically I don't text/call/email him what so ever anymore, I stopped chasing to see whether he'd actually notice. My friend said he's been loving the fact he's always had me "there" and maybe he will realise now, sometimes it takes months but she thinks he will realise. What do you think?
I'm not setting up all of my hopes on this, i'm a realistic person I just thought i'd like to see other people's opinions on it. For example, have you ever stopped chasing and it's made a guy realise?
The Answer
I think stopping chasing him a great idea.
You've done everything you can to tell him where you stand. Now is the right time to stop.
However, I think you owe him the respect and honesty, to tell him that is what you doing.
There are many ways he might interpret your sudden withdrawal if you don't explain your thinking behind it...
He might assume you are no longer interested.
He might think you've met someone else.
He might think you weren't that serious.
He might think he missed his chance.
Most guys would talk themselves out of contacting you based on their own fears and insecurities, if you behaved like you've described here, and then just stopped.
He might realize he misses you, but if you don’t tell him why you are stopping, he will also assume you are gone for good and is very, very unlikely to have the balls to contact you.
So, in order for this to work, you absolutely have to tell him why you are doing what you are doing. If you don't, it's exceedingly unlikely that he will turn around and chase you.
Telling someone why you are doing what you are doing, is the difference between playing games and playing hard to get (which doesn’t work) and being honest about what you want and need (which sometimes does).
So tell him, quickly and simply, that you still want him back. You still want to try again. But that you’ve now put all the energy and work into convincing him that you are capable of. If he wants you in his life, he needs to tell you so. If he doesn’t, that’s okay, and you’ll use the time apart to get over it, and begin to move on.
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The Question
I am 19 years old, and I have been with my boyfriend (21) for the past five years. He has a full time job and I have been working part time while going to college (I am a sophomore).
We both want to move out together in the near future and have been talking a lot about starting a family. When I told him I still hadn't picked up my birth control this month, he told me not to worry about it becase at this juncture in our life he was ready to let whatever is going to happen just happen.
This has kind of thrown me for a loop, because I really want children and I want to have them at a fairly young age. However I also wanted to be settled before starting a family. Unfortunately I plan on getting a Master's degree, which will take at least another three or four years. I definitely don't want to wait that long, but I am worried about how my family and friends would take me getting pregnant now.
I guess my question is if it's irresponsible to have a child now, even though my boyfriend and I both work, go to college, and want to start a family? We still obviously want to finish up our plans, but want to add a baby to the mix.
Thoughts?
The Answer
Your boyfriend's comments might have been meant as sweet, but really, they were just careless.
There is no 'what happens, happens' for a healthy young woman. You are going get pregnant. Quickly. Unless there is some medical issue, it will happen.
He just made the choice for you both in a kind of off-hand way and that sucks. He probably meant well, but it was a lousy thing to do. Having a child deserves a great deal more discussion than that! He needs to clarify if his position on waiting has changed, and you need a better plan in place than just planning on living together, before you jump ahead to talking about a family.
It is irresponsible to choose to have a child now? Well, yeah. At very least wait until you’ve moved in together and are cohabitating successfully . It’s not hugely disgustingly irresponsible, but getting pregnant in the next few months is probably not the best plan for success. Finically (and all the stats bear me out on this one) you are probably best off to both complete your undergraduate work first. That guarantees you a base sort of level of income and stability. Having a child and completing a second degree, is a much different beast then having one and completing a first. You’ll have more options, more income and more income potential, more experience at living as an adult and as an adult couple.
Start taking your birth control again, and tell your boyfriend that this is a conversation that deserves a lot more time and thought devoted to it than just an comment about 'whatever happens.' The best path, is probably to wait a few years. Doesn’t mean you have to take that path, just know that it’s probably the most responsible thing to do to give your future child the best beginning in life possible.
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The Question
Me and this guy Gio were messing around in March, We stopped talking because his sisters a physco bitch and didn't want me talking to him, and my mom was going crazy about his age because he was 19 and I was 13.
So we dated other people he was gonna mary this girl, but he went to jail and just got out like a month ago, And now they broke up. And i got really drunk one night and wanted to see him so my friends boyfriend called him. he came and we kicked it and we had sex. He wanted to see me again so we kicked it again that thursday. Then Saturday i went to a party with him and i was kinda being a bitch to him because his ex girlfriend was there, the one he was gonna mary. They were in the kitchen talking and it looked like he wanted her, So i was pissed then he tried talking to me, and i kept ignoring him!
So we talked on myspace like 2 days later and he told me i was ignoring him hella so he went to the next, and we just kept talking and i told him i wanted to kick it, and he told me to call him when i wanna kick it, so i said okay, i called his phone last friday and his friend answered [My ex] and he started talking to me asking me to go kick it with him and stuff, i said wheres Gio and he said right here, and he told me who was there, and Gios ex was there. And i could hear gio and her fighting in the background, so i hung up. And i accidently deleted Gio off my myspace so i added him and he hasn't approved me, and he hasnt denied me. I just don't know what to do.
I feel like i should send him a message telling him how i feel, but at the same time i feel like i shouldn't because what if he doesn't feel the same way. i just wanna know where we stand.
Helppp?
The Answer
Um, you know he's a dumbass right?
I mean really. First off, he's a dumbass who thought hanging out with a 13 year old was a good idea. That's no offence against you: You could be perfect. He could still go to jail and be labeled a sex offender if he had sex with you and that is an absolutely MORONIC risk for him to take. Dumbass.
Secondly, he's a dumbass who got engaged, went to jail, got unengaged and keeps on fighting with the damn girl.
Finally, he's a dumbass who said "hey, you were ignoring me so I went on to the next one." Everything you said here makes him sound got the maturity of a twelve year old boy. You might like him anyways, but he’s a lousy ass person to be with you. You can do better.
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The Question
My boyfriend broke up with me over a month ago. I brought up the break up, and he did it. Any way it was only until after we broke up that I realised how much I loved him. We discussed getting back together but he didn't really make an effort, so I told him to make a decision and he couldn't. He says he still loves me he just doesnt know what he wants right now. I told him I no longer want to be friends with him. And that we wouldn't be speaking again. He was a bit angry with me for this. I told him i'd met a few guys (which I had, nothing serious. I'm SINGLE) and he said it hurt him.
Literally 3 days after I told him I didn't want anything to do with him he starts flirting with this girl in a club and kissing her. My friends all saw him, and he kissed her and stuff. One of my friends knows her from college and she said that the girl he kissed fell out with him that night. Do you think he's doing this because he knows i'm out with other guys? He's trying to get over me? Do you think he's gonna contact me again now that it didn't work out with her?
The Answer
I hope for both your sakes he doesn't contact you - and realistically, he probably wont.
Is he going to call you now that it didn't work out with some random girl he kissed at a club?
Probably not. He had lots of chances to get back with you, none of which he took. You then did a very sensible thing and ended communication with him.
There are lots of random girls at clubs to kiss.
Keep at that smart thing you did, and don't contact him. It is very unlikely he'll contact you. You told him you didn't want anything to do with him. You told him you were moving on and getting over him and meeting other people. It’s perfectly fair of him to start moving on and getting over you and meeting other people. It’s extremely unlikely, if you were that clear and direct with him, that he is going to come running back to you because it didn’t work out with one of the millions of other girls out there.
I know it’s hard, but it’s time to truly let it go.
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