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Love one, Like another
A couple of years ago, I fell in love with my best friend. The whole thing went way bad, and the reprecussions hurt so much that I literally buried the pain and memories so deep that I didn't even remember any of it. Ever since then, I've had major commitment issues. I'm talking 2-and-a-half week long relationships. I had one that was longer. He was by far the best guy that I have ever had, but I still couldn't figure out what was missing.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream. In that dream, I remembered everything. I woke up crying and in pain. Fresh pain, but I realized that I was still in love with him. Head over heels in love with him. Well, I wasn't planning on saying anything, especially since I moved about two years ago, I'm on the other side of the world, and he has a girlfriend that he's mad in love with. Well, that didn't quite go as planned. I don't know how or when, all I know is that I woke up to a sent message to him. I read the message, and it talked about how in love with him I am, and how much it hurt/hurts. I went numb with worrying about what he would say. He never did give me an answer. But we came to an agreement that we would forget what happened, and we've been able to talk as friends since.
The worst part? I met another guy. He is amazing, everything that I would ever hope to ask for. I am starting to really like him, and he likes me. There is a slight problem with age. He's two and a half years older than me, which wouldn't be a problem if I weren't 17. He doesn't care though, and I don't think it's that big of a deal since I will be turning 18 in two months.
Where I am having trouble is who do I choose? I am still in love with my ex/best friend, but I can definately see myself with my new guy. Both have problems when it comes to being with them, but I don't know if I should go for it with the new guy, or if I should worry about the whole 'head over heels' thing with a guy that I won't be able to have. Please help me >.<
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
The answer is a sucky one because you are still thinking about the ex so much.
First: I can't discredit you. The heart wants what the heart wants. If it's affecting everything around you, it's obvious you got it bad and that ain't good right?
I know all about heartache. It's not just the heart, it's everything that hurts as you deal with anxiety you can't explain.
Second: I can tell you this. Time really does heal all wounds. It may not seem like it, but you got to deal with the bad and dealing with it, will make you stronger for the next great love of your life.
My answer is this:
It's obvious you and your ex probably will never get back together. I know this sicks to hear. You probably don't want to, but it's the truth. If he's already got another girl, he's living miles away, and he hasn't given you an answer other than "talking as friends"... well darlin' it's pretty clear this isn't a wise use of your energy.
Vice versa, this new dude sounds cool, but you are also having doubts. It sounds like you could like him well enough, but you dont have the history you do with your ex. My thought is that you are still in rebound mode having bounced around and still having relationship issues.
Here's what I think you should do honestly:
Take that two months before you turn 18... and spend some time being you.
Check it... it sounds like you're a fox. People obviously want to date you. Never worry about finding someone or being alone. You got him, you can get another.
What you want to do is take advantage of this limbo period. You can go out with your gals, stay out late and not have to report to anyone. Eat what you want, do what you want, and flirt with who you want. You can take up a hobby, go on a roadtrip this weekend, and be free.
Why am I telling you this? The more time you spend being free and happy is time you come to decide what you really like. Like record stores? You can probably meet somone cool there. Book stores? People who read are sexy (I know I am) and the truth is... when you do get tied down with another ball and chain, you will actually start craving those little moments of freedom again.
In the end, it's your life. I cant tell you who to fall for.. only you know know that. But I can tell you, the sooner you heal the sooner you will find the next great adventure, and trust me, no matter how great you think that one was, there's always another adventure waiting.
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Stop telling yourself these destructive stories.
Stop telling yourself the story where you have 'commitment issues'. There isn’t any reason here to think you have commitment issues. You are seventeen: you are growing and learning and experiencing what it means to be in a couple. When you are 25 and can't get past the two month mark, then we talk commitment issues. At seventeen, it’s good for you for not wanting a boyfriend so bad you’ll settle for anyone who stumbles across your path. Quick short dating is a good way to go until you find someone worth your while.
Stop telling yourself you can’t date someone 2 ½ years older than you. Check the age of consent in your area, but there are only 2 states where a 17 year old can’t date a 19/20 year old legally. Your age difference isn’t a problem in law UNLESS this guy is your teacher or youth pastor or in some official position like that.
Stop telling yourself you’ve got a chance with someone who is long distance, and in a relationship with someone else. You probably don’t. He didn’t respond to your admission of love because his silence was the kindest thing he could say. It isn’t a case of ‘having problems when it comes to being with him’, it’s a case of he is NOT available. He isn’t an option right now. You haven’t suggested any rational reason he might be an option in the near future.
You are all up in your own head hun. You need to get out of yourself for a few minutes and take a look at the world that really exists around you. Take a shot with the new guy in your life if you want too, but don’t weigh it down with illusions and stories – you’re doomed from the start if you approach it like that. Be real and in the moment and see where it takes you.
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