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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hi my name is Lisa and I have a question to be answered I have little girl and her dad and I is just now getting to be cool again and I told him a year ago that I feel like it's time for us to have another little one I wanted two or more by the time I was 30 and I told me not now it would be to much for him and we had sex a year ago and he asked me When we was having sex do I want he to nut in me can someone let me in your opinion what do you think he means by that ?
The Answer
You need to separate the fact he wants to have unprotected sex with you, from the question of whether or not he wants a another baby.
Because he may well be an idiot, who wants unprotected sex because he's horny, but just forgets about the whole baby part of that. Or, he may have changed his mind and is ready to conceive another.
You'll need to speak to him again, more clearly, about your desire to have another child.
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The Question
16 female
I have been talking to this guy for about 6 months now but my mom says I can't date him because the police says he is on there watch list because he does drugs but I still have been talking to him via text and I just got in trouble because mom goes through my texts and told me if I continued she would take my phone and he sent me a text saying if I wanted him to still be my friend I had to send a naked picture but what if my mom sees it what should I do help?
The Answer
You should tell him that possessing a naked picture of a 16 year old is a crime, and that an guy who is so damn stupid that he is already on the watch list, probably shouldn't take the risk of possessing underage pornography.
Then block him. On everything. Everywhere. All social media, and on your phone and email.
A guy who says he wont be your friend or boyfriend unless you provide him with sexual activity or images, is a monster. No question. No grey zone. A bully, a predator and a monster.
Cut him loose. Keep yourself safe.
If you think your mom is going to find out about that text, do yourself a favour and tell her before she finds out on her own. That way you can tell her that you have finally woken up to what bad news this guy is, and are going to stay the hell away from him and his criminal, bullying ways. That will probably help to reduce her anger a good bit.
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The Question
22/f, 29/m
Our relationship is a bit complicated. We had a lot of problems in the relationship due to trust issues. He broke my trust several times. He lied to me, hid things from me, and said things to his ex-girlfriends that he shouldn't have said. Because of that, it caused me to be anxious and insecure in the relationship.
He broke up with me a few times last month in December and the official break up with on New Years Eve. He told me that he still loved me and that maybe later on, we could try again. We even agreed that neither of us would date anybody in January and he even wanted to keep seeing me from keep me from moving on. I was feeling very conflicted and confused from what he was saying and doing. He would tell me one thing, but he'd hide every trace of me on his Facebook page, or add a cute girl on Facebook, talk his his ex-girlfriend (not inappropriately, though). And I'm feeling really lost. I had to ask him directly and told him that if he was trying to have his cake and eat it, too, that's not okay.
We were trying to work towards me pressing the "Reset button," meaning that we pretend that we never dated and to start over. I have been trying to work toward that, but the fact that he added another girl on Facebook just told me that he was reverting back into his old behaviors. I had to speak to him about this last night. I told him that if we were trying to start new, we can't make the same mistakes that happened that placed us in our current place from before. He understood, apologized, and said that he'll stop.
But as the conversation continued, he understood everything that I was saying but he was being really negative about the whole situation. He admitted that he was being negative and pessimistic, but he was being realistic. He told me that he's having a hard time because he feels guilty being with me because of the things that had happened between us a year ago. He loves me but he can see a better future without me and can imagine a better fresh start with someone else (not having anyone in particular in mind). He ended up bringing up little issues like him shaving his beard may make a difference in our relationship. At this point, I thought that he was just trying to think of any little thing he could think of to keep us apart.
I was frustrated. Because I'm the one that has depression, but I was the only one who was being optimistic. I told him that I was trying to move on from the past, and I wanted him, too. He said he does and that was the reason why he broke up with me in the first place. And became more confused and asked him does he just want to completely give up then and if he does, he needed to tell me now so I wouldn't try so hard for no reason. And he said, "I don't know," and that he just knows that he was happier in other relationships than in ours and that it was his fault.
It was a constant cycle. I pretty much clarified that I was willing to press the "reset button" and as long as the same mistakes from before doesn't repeat itself, I feel like things would be a lot better. I tried to be optimistic and realistic about the situation knowing that it may not work, but I feel like if we worked hard enough and he was more positive, things will get better. We confirmed that he does think negatively and him thinking negatively will affect any chance we will ever have together. However, it doesn't seem like he's willing to change those thoughts. He admitted that there could be a slim chance of us working, but he doesn't feel like the prize at the end of it is worth it. He told me that he'll TRY to be more positive and that he sure he won't make the past mistakes again... but that's the most I can ask for right now.
And that breaks my heart. I wasn't much of a cause of what put us here. It just told me that I could do everything right and still fail at a relationship. I don't know what to say, what to do, or what to think. I'm trying my best and it doesn't seem like he wants to try. When I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn't give me a direct answer.
What now?
The Answer
Decide what you want, and ask for it.
Do you want to try again? Really?
Because the idea of a 'reset button' is utter nonsense. Human beings do not work like that. It's possible to forgive and move forward, but pretending the past doesn't exist is impossible.
This guy seems to be telling you, rather clearly, that he is not okay with the expectations you have about the relationship. Whatever it is you are asking for, he seems uncertain that is willing or able to be in the kind of relationship you want. Whatever these problems are that you don't want repeated, he thinks they are going to repeat. He wont commit to NOT repeating them.
He's also telling you he isn't happy.
It sucks that he's dithering, and going back and forth, but if you listen to what he's saying, it's pretty clear he isn't committed to this relationship or making it work. He doesn't even want to make it work. He just doesn't want to be the one to really break it off.
Stop waiting for him to make a decision. You want to be together? Say as much and ask him to step up. He probably wont, but at least you'll know for sure.
If you don't want to be together. Walk now. He's practically begging you to end it so he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. Stop asking yourself what he want wants to do, and decide what you want. Then do that.
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The Question
Hii,
23,F.
Lately I've gotten close to my sisters ex who treated me like a little sister for years and everything was fine until 1 day we are sitting in his jeep and the roof top was missing so I was teasing him saying my back was soaked and he asked where and went to reach for my back and the next thing I know we are kissing. NOW. My sister and him were never official and it was only for a couple months and she broke things off with him 4 years ago, she's now happily married and she's actually friends with him. Would it be wrong for me to pursue this?
The Answer
It would better if you spoke to your sister before this went any further.
Not so much to 'seek her permission' but to tell her your respect her opinion and feelings and want to hear from her before you make any decision.
A sister can be one of the most amazing friendships you get in your entire life. It's not worth throwing it away, or damaging it, over any guy. Talk to her first.
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The Question
21/f
So about a week ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and went on a blind date with someone I met online. I have never done this before and I was so worried that he would look nothing like his pictures or be really weird. He picked me up and we went for drinks and it was so easy to talk to him and everything felt so natural. He was very open and said he has met up with 2 other girls about a month ago on a blind date and it was very awkward and nothing ever happened. One red flag i discovered was that he got out of a 2 year engagement about 4 months ago. When he dropped me off he kissed me goodbye and texted me right away saying he had a great time. He lives about 5 hours away but was in my city because all of his family lives here and he has come to my city about 8 times in the past month.... so the next day he wanted to see me again so i invited him over to watch a movie and he met my parents and they thought he was really nice. We just talked, cuddled and watched movies and then he left. He went home the next day and he always texts me and calls me cute and says that he really enjoys my company. Last night he told me that i am welcome to come and visit for a weekend whenever i want, and he also said next time he was in the city that I should come to his family's place and play games with them.
I have been hurt so much in the past and I'm really scared that I'm "catching feelings" way too fast for this guy and I'm trying everything not to develop feelings. It feels as though it's too good to be true and he's just saying all of this to get some action. So I was wondering what everyone else thinks? and also... should i go up and visit him for a weekend?
Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read and answer this
The Answer
It hasn't been long, so it's okay to be skeptical. You don't really know this person yet. It's okay to have doubts.
But, you should give people the benefit of the doubt, because if you don't, you'll never find love. You might get hurt. He might not be as good as he seems right now, but that doesn't mean you've got any reason to distrust him right now. He's putting in a great deal more effort than somebody who just wants to get 'some action'.
If he has made that much effort to come and see you, it would be fair and respectful for you to make the trip to see him and meet his people. If you aren't ready to worry about 'staying the night' then don't stay overnight, or stay with a friend, or a book a hotel room.
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The Question
I'm italian, I look like most my family, olive skin, brown hair, and hazel eyes. My mom will fight people to her last breath Italians aren't white. I did a google search and found some article about how Romans were tan and stuff, and in the south italians were considered black and were segregated and couldn't marry "whites" Italy is in Europe, so I think Caucasian I just want other ppl's opinion. Are Italians white?
The Answer
The most important thing to know is that idea of 'race' is largely made up. It's a cultural idea, not a scientific one. It's considered outdated and unused in biology. The people who originated the term caucasian, were more or less using it to justify their ideas about race and skin colour, not observing human biology or genealogy. Some anthropologist still use these terms to determine an ancient's groups point of origin, but they don't apply to distinctions among people currently living.
Who has been considered caucasian has changed over the years. When poor, Catholic Irish immigrants came to the US they were not considered white. British and American protestants considered them an inferior race, more like they viewed African Americans than white people. Today, most people would find the idea that Irish people aren't white to be ludicrous, and the US goverment has included Irish as 'white' or caucasian for decades now.
Italian Americans have a similar history.
Probably best not to fight with your mom over this. It's possible that she is just from a different generation where it's important to her to not be white or caucasian. It's silly, and meaningless, and rooted in racism and bigotry, but because these ideas of race have so little to do with science and evidence anyways (and everything to do with a history of bigotry and immigration) it'll never be easy to argue with her. You can't prove her to her she is Caucasian, because Caucasian is an idea that has shifted, changed and then largely been rejected as a serious distinction, as we've become less bigoted and ignorant as a species.
Nearly every goverment on earth is going to consider people of Italian decent white these days, but that might not convince her, and why should it? She may well remember years when they didn't.
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The Question
I am 17/F, my brothers are 13 and 15. We are currently on Christmas break, have been for the past 4 days.
It seems their favourite activity is walking into my bedroom without knocking while I am reading and fiddling around with my stuff and talking to me about Minecraft (which I am utterly uninterested in) or trying to convince me to read Lord of the Rings (also not interested).
I really don't like that they continually come in, particularly because they just waltz in without knocking even though I have asked them to knock multiple times. I talked to my mom about it and she told me to just ask them nicely to leave.
There are a couple of problems with that idea. First, I don't want them to come in unannounced in the first place. Second, I can't always ask nicely. I mean in theory it's easy, but I can't always put it into practice.
When I'm in a good mood, I put up with them coming in, and I try to make conversation for a while, until they or I get bored and they leave or I ask them politely to leave. This works fine.
However, if I'm really tired or just feeling kind of grumpy, I find it really hard to ask nicely. Sometimes I let them come in and hope if I ignore them they will leave(it doesn't work, I should stop trying), but most of the time I tell them to leave. I know I shouldn't tell them, because they won't leave unless I ask nicely, but I tell them, and then either they or my mom tell me to ask nicely, but at that point I am frustrated and I can't seem to control my tone of voice, so I say "Would you please leave me alone" but I say it in an annoyed way, so they don't leave because I didn't ask nicely enough.
How can I stop this? Is there a way to prevent myself from getting so frustrated?
The Answer
Honestly, no.
Your mom is in the wrong here. Your brothers are perfectly old enough to grasp this. Being nice is a good goal, but they are being extremely rude and disrespectful. Tell them to get out. Every time. When you are in a good mood or a bad one. Tell them to get out the very moment they come in. If you are willing to speak to them, tell them to leave and knock properly. Like training a puppy, you need to set a very firm standard where this is never something they get away with.
If someone says you must ask 'more nicely'. Remind them that no one has to 'ask nicely' to not be kidnapped, or stolen from, or punched in the face. We all understand those things are not okay. It's time for your brothers to understand that bursting into someone else's room uninvited is just not okay, whether they are told 'nicely' about it or not. They are wrong. Some times when you do mean, wrong, disrespectful things, someone might not be all that nice when they tell you stop.
It's good to try to be nice, but your brother's aren't getting the message. So be clear. Each and every damn time. Still TRY to be calm and respectful of them, but DEMAND they are still respectful of your space even if you aren't 'nice' enough for their tastes. Promise you're mom that you'll always try to nice, but ask her to back you up even if you aren't perfect. It's not fair to expect you to be PERFECT all the time in the face of their deliberate and ongoing rudeness. She's not demanding your brothers be perfect. It's also not fair to ask to you to behave perfectly all the time to get the privacy and respect you deserve.
You are frustrated because this is frustrating. It's gonna be hard work to enforce boundaries with them, and sometimes you will loose your cool. That doesn't mean they can ignore your boundaries anymore than it means it's okay to punch someone who isn't nice enough to you. If you loose your cool, apologize, but that doesn't change the boundaries. You can make mistakes and they are still are required to knock.
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The Question
okay so i am going to give some background story to my im having this feeling
girl, 14
so during early december, our school organised a trip to places, and in that trip, we had amazing trip leaders, and so we added them on facebook to keep in touch. there are 2 leaders that are pretty awesome lets call them T and F. personally, i like F more that T and my friend likes T more than F. so i usually chat with F and i kinda like him (as in like a brother) and lately its kinda awkward since he said im his sister and being sweet. i still want to talk to him but ive started a conversation like 2 days ago and he still havent reply my message.
i want to chat with him because i dont feel lonely, but him ignoring my message happens often but when we talk, he usually says he misses me and shit. when he dont reply, my whole self just feels down and even if im around my friends, i just dont seem like talking and i just want to be back at home. i just want him to be my close friend but at the same time im kinda developing feelings for him but i dont really want to like him since we are like 10 years apart?!?!!?!??
oh and since he havent reply my message and hes seen it, should i message him again or wait? im afraid that if i continue waiting, that text that im waiting for will never appear. or should i just ask him straightly "why are you not replying to my messages?"
thanks to whoever that has read up to here about my weird ass life.
The Answer
I know this sucks, but he's not really your friend.
He's 10 years older than you. He probably has friends, and a job or school work. He's not going to be the kind of friend that a 14 year old probably wants, because he's just at such a different place in his life.
You know that what you really want from him, isn't friendship anyways. You're setting yourself up to get hurt pretty badly.
Try to take a deep breath and let this go. For your own sake. It sucks to be lonely and it sucks to have a crush on someone who you can't (and really shouldn't) be with, but you can solve either of those things by keeping on messaging him and acting like those problems will go away. This guy, doesn't have the solutions you need.
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The Question
Recently my little sister told me the reason her and my stepbrother don't get along because when she was about 15 or 14 and he being 17 when they were both high not that this makes it an excuse ... Well my stepbrother asked my little sister if they could have sex.... Mind you my dad and stepmom have been together sense we were 6 so we've been related by marriage for almost 20 years now so this happened 4 or 5 years ago... I told my fiancé and I told my older sister who also doesn't know what to make of the situation or what to do!! My little sister said we can't do anything because so much time has passed. I'm sick to my stomach and the fact that she shares a space with him where they sleep makes me scared. I don't know what good it would to tell my mom because it's our word against his and not that my mom wouldn't believe us but all it would do would make her broken hurt angry I can't imagine how a mother would feel to hear that. My stepbrother is such a manipulator that he can get his way out of anything. Also my step siblings are treated way differently than all of us. For example my older sister graduated college and had to pay rent my stepbrother does not. Please help me I'm sick to my stomach sad I wasn't there to help her and all I want to do is make this better but I don't know how!!
The Answer
Ask your sister how you can make it better.
She's a young adult now. So telling your parents without her permission would be disrespectful and unkind. If she had told you when she was 14, it would have been vital for you to tell an adult, but now, as she is adult herself it's really not up to you to decide how this gets handled. What he did was harassment, and it was inappropriate, but if there was no touching involved and nothing beyond asking the question, then legally there is very little to be done at this point.
If there is or was a pattern of behavior or repeated harassment or assault, than that is different, but if this one event is what happened, then your sister's feelings about what should be done now are the most important thing to consider.
So ask her. Ask her what she wants.
Maybe, ask her if you can help her move out. Can she live with you or an other sibling for a while? How can she get out? Can you support her firmly with your parent getting her own room or space at home? Does she need help getting to a therapist or someone else to talk too?
As uncomfortable as you are now, as much as this would upset your parents, it'll be worse for her. It may be tough on everyone else, but it'll be the worst for her. So respect her enough to let her make the choice. You can't fix this, but the best thing you can for her now and ask her what would help her.
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The Question
This guy I went out with once and refused to go out with again keeps slandering my name online. After I told him I didn't want to see him again he harassed and internet stalked me for weeks. Now he's back to his old antics posting photos of me with my full name on dating blacklists.
Unfortunately I have a very unique name so when you google my name the only result that comes up is me and the fourth one down is the article about me being blacklisted. I'm worried this is going to affect future job opportunities. I already contacted Tumblr which is where it's being posted, but they can't seem to do much about it. If they delete his post he just makes another one a few months later. He never gives up.
What do I do?
The Answer
Keep a record of what he is doing each time he does it, and keep reporting it to Tumblr.
There isn't too much more you can do. Some people choose to create more social media accounts at top sites (since these sites tend to appear naturally higher up in the search results). It is possible you'll find you can push his result down by doing things like joining Tumblr yourself with your real name, or buying your personal domain name. There are also services for online reputation management that might help you make sure that his links appear lower down in search results, but those can be costly. If Tumblr is being responsive and deleting posts, then you should continue to report the harassment to them.
Some states take this more seriously than others, so keeping a record is important in case you find you can, or must, go to the police. Stalking is a crime that can only be proven by consistant documentation, not by one off events, so make sure you are keeping a record of all of his abusive behaviours.
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The Question
25 female. My boyfriend and his ex share a pet together. Last night I was over at his house and the dog was over because his ex had to do something. She called him when she was going to come pick him up and he answered the phone said "hi" and then walked out of the room. This made me weary becuase why would he have to walk out of the room to talk with her? When he came back in I asked where he went and he said "Away from Cooper (their dogs) ears like joking around. He then said Cooper your mom is weird. I just left it at that.
I didn't want to start questioning why he walked out of the room to speak with her. But it makes me wonder now. Why couldn't he just speak with her when I was right there?
The Answer
Maybe you are just not equipped to be in a relationship with anyone right now.
Seriously. You need to consider if you are in a place emotionally and mentally, where you should be dating any one.
Get your butt into therapy and work through this shit. Very few guys worth having, will stick around, if you don't get your distrust and fear under some control. This ex is in his life until the dog dies. He will say things to her, that you will never know about! They will have conversations, and even some degree of friendship. If you can't find some peace with that, then this isn't the right situation for you to be in, and you should break it off.
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The Question
I have bad anxiety and I put a blog explaining why anxiety made me leave school so that people wouldn't ask questions, a few weeks later a guy I've been friends with for years but grown apart from came to me saying he has depression. I didn't think anything of it until he came to me everyday saying he wanted to kill himself, and then came to me with a knife saying he didn't dare cut himself so wanted me to do it, and asked for tips on the best way to do it. Ever since then I haven't wasted my breath on him, just listened. Nothing he says ever adds up: he was taking 20 anti-depressants a day, he said his doctor diagnosed him with depression and then told him that he was wrong and then re-diagnosed him and then told him it wasn't, he said that his counsellor said that it sounds like has bipolar, depression, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and anxiety. This all seems like such rubbish, and I don't want to waste my time on an attention seeker, because it made my anxiety worse at one point that I couldn't help him. He constantly says that he would rather have social anxiety, agoraphobia and panic attacks like me than have bipolar like him, saying that I have it easier than him.
Is there a way I can find out if he is lying or attention seeking? If I stop going out for walks with him then I'll never leave my house, making me worse. I don't know what to do.
The Answer
Just tell an adult. This is not your problem. You can't really know for sure if he is lying or not, but it's not important.
Look, maybe he is full of shit, you can't know for sure what is real and what isn't, and it's not important. What is important is that you take care of your own mental health, and right now he is infringing on that. He is using up your emotional resources on his oneupmanship bullshit. Maybe he really is in pain and having some problems—that doesn't mean you can help him right now!
If he is telling the truth, you should tell an adult about the stuff he's saying.
If he is full of shit, you should tell an adult about the stuff he is saying.
In either case, the right thing to do is put this problem on a grown up. His shit's not your shit, and his shit is making your anxiety worse whether it's real or made up.
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The Question
so I just want some understanding is it possible that the mother of my kids. mother put me on child support even tho I support my kids an I'm always there for them she wants to put me on child support cause I don't help out with the pregnancy bills but the job I have cant afford them an only have money for my kids an my bills. I live in Alabama I don't see why she think she can put me on child support when 1.i have no kids by you
The Answer
If those are your kids, then their guardian or custodial parent can ask for a child support order.
Remember that a child support order is NOT about the mother's rights. It's about the kid's rights. It's about the fact that kid's are safer and better cared for when finances can be planned and it is known how much money is coming into the household. Your children are not a charity that you can decide to give money too this week, but not next week. The need more security than just "helping out when you are able". Regular, agreed on support from the parent who is not in the home, is the best situation for the children.
If they are not your children, than it's unlikely she'll get an order. If it is the children's grandmother who is trying to get the order, it's unlikely she'll be able to unless the children live with her and she is their guardian.
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The Question
Ok so my bf is 20 and I'm 19.
He said that he was a Virgin and I was a virgin.
But he tells me about his ex's and he was engaged to her at the same time as me but she is all the way in new York and he broke up with her for me which I'm living with him now.
I am worried that he still has feelings for her.
I also know its wrong but I looked were he talked to his brother in law and it stated that she was going to be using condoms with him to be "safe".
I have also caught him looking at porn flaming that he was getting ideas for us.
I need help because he is getting married to me and going to have a baby boy with me.
The Answer
He was engaged to her at the same time as he was engaged to you?
Run. No person who engages in that degree of deceit is going to turn honest overnight. Trust your instincts and keep yourself safe.
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The Question
Ok so 24/female. Through a series of fortunate events in my life I ended up with exactly the life that I wanted, except nothing is exactly the way you imagine it to be and I am in a really strange situation that I'm not sure what to do about.
You see I am in a foreign country working my dream job, but I am stuck. I live here with my best friend who is a guy, in an apartment of the company I work for . We work together and for the moment we are in a city where we have to live where we do. This situation has been like this for a year now, where I have to live with this guy because of work situation in different cities even around the world. The problem is that we fell in love in the past year and it's really messy.
Partly messy because we work together partly because he's also 24 and not ready to commit.
He is a soul mate, for sure. And us living together has been amazing. But a roller coaster. Sometimes it's good other times he pulls away and says he isn't ready to be with someone for the rest of his life. He says he knows he loves me and that what we have is the weirdest, closest thing he's ever been to divine love, but he can't trust himself just yet and he hopes that one day he will be the man I deserve. He wants to be 24 and go and do and be. He talks to other girls. Problem is we've both tried to stop, since I'm not ok with that I am a girl that is always used to being with one person at a time. But it's literally a dance of will back and forth between us and we always end up back together again. Wether we try to separate because we have to live together we always end up back in love or one of us seeking the other.
My question is that I know for my own respect I have to say no. If he's not ready to be with me I shouldn't be with him. And even though he's come a long way from when we met, I still see that he's 24. He isn't ready. As many times as he comes back to me saying he loves me I know he's not ready.
Now the logical solution is move out, but that's not an option for me at the moment as I love my job and this is what it has to be for now.
So my question is if I can't leave and we failed more than 6 times at separating and just being friends, and I know he's not ready to be serious with someone, and it's hard for me to be with someone like that, what the heck can I do in this situation??? It's the most confusing relationship I've ever been in. Help???
The Answer
Is it really not an option to tell your job you'd like another living arrangment? I'm sure it's been done before, and you should at least ask if there is any other place or option as far as an apartment, because it's very unlikely you'll be able to break this pattern while still living with him.
Face it: This isn't a love problem or a maturity problem, or a timing problem or even a soul mate problem. This is a lust problem. You are two twenty somethings living in a small space who are fall in and out of lust with a conveniently located person you are attracted too! Even if you aren't actually have sex, the lust is what is sucking you back in.
Maybe it's also true love, but love aint the problem here. Love could be handled with respect and space. Lust is going to keep this destructive pattern going until you get the hell out of one another's space OR learn to hate the other person with the same fire you currently love them with.
So talk to your employer. This can't be the first time a forced roommate situation turned out to be a bad match.
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The Question
I'm 15 years old and struggling from bad mood swings. Lately, I have seen a drastic change in my attitude: I have become more annoyed, bored, tired and less hungry. Every school day feels like a drag, as if I am wasting my time going through a stupid routine. I understand this might be a common symptom of puberty, but this feeling has just rushed in. I have a lack of interest in many things these days and it's just sad. I have been sleeping a substantial amount more, feeling exhausted after school and not feeling hungry. My mother has also noticed that my eating habits have changed and my father has seen my lack of motivation in attending clubs.
I'm a girl and I understand the species can be more emotionally prone, but I feel so weird and different that I want answers.
Has this ever happened to you? Is this normal? Will this go away?
I understand that you are not a doctor, but you have a lot more experience at life than me and I am grateful for your help.
Thank you -('3')-+
The Answer
My best advice to you would be take care of your physical health. Too much sleep + plus exhaustion and frustration and no appetite, sounds like you might be spending too much time sitting at desks and computers.
Maybe that sounds simplistic to you—and there may certainly be other things going on—but I was about your age when I started to realize the link between taking care of my body, and not feeling like shit emotionally.
If this is continuing, you should get a physical and talk to a counsellor, but the first and easiest thing to you can do, right now, is make sure you are getting a bit of physical exercise each week and not filling your body with caffeine, sugar or other useless junk when you are eating.
These days, as an adult woman, whenever I start feeling frustrated or depressed, the first thing I do is take a look at my diet, cut down on my caffeine, and make time to exercise. You are coming to the age where you'll learn that taking care of your body can go a very, very long way to helping your mind and attitude.
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The Question
I can't even believe I just typed those words. That has to be one of the weirdest titles to a question that you all have probably ever read, but it happened.
My dad's not the greatest guy in the world and is a far worse father and an absolutely abysmal husband. He's verbally abusive to my mother and calls her names like b!tch, a$$ wipe, and other such things. He screams at her at the top of his lungs and she can't defend herself because it just makes him so much angrier and crazier. He's often in a bad mood and takes it out on her, but denies doing so. He picks on her by doing things just to make her mad because he finds it amusing to get her all riled up, While there are plenty of other ways he sucks as a husband, but you get it.
This is late Monday night and Saturday night, I had a dream that I was at my church with my children decorating one of the sunday school classrooms or something. Then my mom ran in sobbing hysterically. I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong, but soon, my dad walked in and was yelling at her and making her cry harder. I kept telling him to stop, but he wouldn't and it was making my mom just more and more hysterical which and NO ONE would tell me what in the world was going on. He kept calling her the b word (I don't know if I can actually type it on this site) and I told him to quit that too and while he continued on for a while, eventually he acted like he'd quit. After I turned around, he said it again. Then, one of my sons punched him hard in the face and knocked him down. In my dream, I loved this and was extremely pleased and proud of my son for doing this and when I woke up, I still was happy about it.
I told my mom about it last night and I was afraid she'd think it was a crazy weird dream that I was crazy for having, but she didn't. She was happy about it as I was during the dream and when I first woke up. What kind of crazy, dysfunctional family would have these problems and feel this way about one relative punching another relative in the face.
I care for my dad very much. He can be a jerk and a horrible husband, but I care for him and can't believe that even in a dream, I enjoyed watching him be punched by his own grandson. I wish my family's situation was different. I wish we weren't this dysfunctional, but we are and I can't single handedly fix it. I guess my question is, am I a horrible person? Am I a horrible daughter or a crazy person for enjoying this dream or even dreaming it in the first place. If so, what do I need to do?
The Answer
You aren't terrible. You are human. We aren't in control of our dreams. We are capable of dreaming about truly terrible things, and feeling in ways about them we never really would.
You can understand the difference between shooting an enemy in a video game, or watching a movie where it makes you feel good to watch the bad guy get tossed out a plane, then you can understand that having an idea of someone getting hurt, isn't the same as actually wanting someone to get hurt.
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The Question
Two years ago, I was in a very bad relationship. It was long distance, with a huge age gap, and we definitely should not have been together. For whatever reason, I just could not cope with the thought of breaking up. Two weeks before finally ending it, I cheated on him whilst drunk; I made out with another guy at a bar. I had to be carried out of the bar crying from how guilty I felt, and I told my then boyfriend right away. He forgave me immediately, and I broke up with him two weeks later.
My current romantic interest was cheated on once in the past. He HATES cheaters and whenever infidelity is brought up he mentions how awful cheating is. I have casually brought up my past infidelity before and he didn't really seem bothered by it, but we are not officially dating so maybe that's why. He also is kind of forgetful so I think maybe he has forgotten since. I really get anxious whenever cheating is brought up and I don't know if I should remind him.
Should I mention it again if he brings up cheating? Should I just let it go since I told him once?
The Answer
You've told him. You can let it go, unless he says something that makes it clear he didn't understand or remember.
It's probably a case where he is choosing not to 'count' your situation for whatever reason. As long as you know that you were honest, relax for now.
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The Question
I have meet this girl at my school and have known her for a while now, and have went on a date with her once then she called it off, due to a busy semester. I understood this but it really hurt and a couple of weeks later she asked if I wanted to date again and of course I said yes, and she has asked for us to take it slow and I understand completely, I don't understand by what she means as slow, because like I have remorse after leaving her apartment after talking and hanging out with her. I have always been a cuddler, and that is how I want to be, not like in bed for sex or anything of that manner but closeness, and like all of my relations with people I am extremely protective over her. I need some information about slow relationship and what to do. I have looked at many sites that are supposed to help with this but they are mainly coming from a girl's perspective, but I am a guy, and I need some advice.
The Answer
ASK HER.
We can't read her mind. Frankly, it could be your attitude as a 'protector' that she is not enjoying. She might find it insulting or belittling, or that you are expressing too much ownership over her. When a guy gets too 'protective' of me very quickly, I see that as a warning sign that he might be controlling or disrespectful of my ability to make my own choices.
Or maybe it's something else. We can't know. Neither can you.
Ask her which parts of the relationship she is worried about going too fast at.
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The Question
So I have a 37 year old boyfriend and I'm 16. We've been dating for more than a year now. We do love each other and he says he'll wait for me till I'm grown up and wants me to finish college first. In short he's a good man. I'm just afraid of our future ,it really bothers me wondering if our relationship would work out and be successful. Plus the fact that everyone doesn't want us to be together because of age. People who have the same relationships out there please give me advice? Everyone's welcome to comment what's in your mind.
The Answer
This is a terrible idea.
It has nothing to do with how mature or lovely you are, or how much you care about him. You could be Aphrodite herself. You could be the most brilliant, lovely fabulous creature in existence.
It would still be very concerning for a 37 year old man to look at 16 year old you and see a viable romantic partner. It's not your maturity I question. It's his. It's his self-knowledge of what he wants from life, and of how to create an equal, respectful relationship.
The lifestyle and relationships he should want, if he is emotionally healthy in any way, should be very different from what a 16 year old wants and most of the men that age who are attracted to dating a teenager, are the immature, emotionally incompetent people who are not chasing women their own age, because women their own age wouldn’t put up with their bullshit.
These people crave the control and dominance their age gives them in this sort of relationship. It might seem fun and exciting at first, but will turn out to be a pretty shitty deal for you in the long run.
I know this might sounds a bit unfair, but I went out briefly with quite a few guys in their late thirties, and honestly they all LOOKED and SOUNDED really good at the beginning. They seemed like good men. They had learned how to sell themselves well.Then in a matter of weeks or months, as I truly got to know them and spend time with them, it quickly dissolved into them being very clearly emotionally stunted bullies. Not evil men, but certainly men who were single for the right reasons, and attracted to younger women for the wrong reasons.
Of course that won’t be truth of ALL older men dating younger women... But it will be true of many, and at 16, you don’t have the experience to be able see those glaring warning signs. I didn’t have the experience I needed at 20 either.
This is a bad idea. It really is. I worry deeply for you if you go keep up with this. It's so risky emotionally for you to get together with such a huge age difference and I've seen in my own life, and in the lives of my friends, how these things tend to because very unequal and unbalanced very quickly.
So I advise against it. Really, really strongly. The chance of it going well is tremendously small.
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