|
He says he can see a better future without me
22/f, 29/m
Our relationship is a bit complicated. We had a lot of problems in the relationship due to trust issues. He broke my trust several times. He lied to me, hid things from me, and said things to his ex-girlfriends that he shouldn't have said. Because of that, it caused me to be anxious and insecure in the relationship.
He broke up with me a few times last month in December and the official break up with on New Years Eve. He told me that he still loved me and that maybe later on, we could try again. We even agreed that neither of us would date anybody in January and he even wanted to keep seeing me from keep me from moving on. I was feeling very conflicted and confused from what he was saying and doing. He would tell me one thing, but he'd hide every trace of me on his Facebook page, or add a cute girl on Facebook, talk his his ex-girlfriend (not inappropriately, though). And I'm feeling really lost. I had to ask him directly and told him that if he was trying to have his cake and eat it, too, that's not okay.
We were trying to work towards me pressing the "Reset button," meaning that we pretend that we never dated and to start over. I have been trying to work toward that, but the fact that he added another girl on Facebook just told me that he was reverting back into his old behaviors. I had to speak to him about this last night. I told him that if we were trying to start new, we can't make the same mistakes that happened that placed us in our current place from before. He understood, apologized, and said that he'll stop.
But as the conversation continued, he understood everything that I was saying but he was being really negative about the whole situation. He admitted that he was being negative and pessimistic, but he was being realistic. He told me that he's having a hard time because he feels guilty being with me because of the things that had happened between us a year ago. He loves me but he can see a better future without me and can imagine a better fresh start with someone else (not having anyone in particular in mind). He ended up bringing up little issues like him shaving his beard may make a difference in our relationship. At this point, I thought that he was just trying to think of any little thing he could think of to keep us apart.
I was frustrated. Because I'm the one that has depression, but I was the only one who was being optimistic. I told him that I was trying to move on from the past, and I wanted him, too. He said he does and that was the reason why he broke up with me in the first place. And became more confused and asked him does he just want to completely give up then and if he does, he needed to tell me now so I wouldn't try so hard for no reason. And he said, "I don't know," and that he just knows that he was happier in other relationships than in ours and that it was his fault.
It was a constant cycle. I pretty much clarified that I was willing to press the "reset button" and as long as the same mistakes from before doesn't repeat itself, I feel like things would be a lot better. I tried to be optimistic and realistic about the situation knowing that it may not work, but I feel like if we worked hard enough and he was more positive, things will get better. We confirmed that he does think negatively and him thinking negatively will affect any chance we will ever have together. However, it doesn't seem like he's willing to change those thoughts. He admitted that there could be a slim chance of us working, but he doesn't feel like the prize at the end of it is worth it. He told me that he'll TRY to be more positive and that he sure he won't make the past mistakes again... but that's the most I can ask for right now.
And that breaks my heart. I wasn't much of a cause of what put us here. It just told me that I could do everything right and still fail at a relationship. I don't know what to say, what to do, or what to think. I'm trying my best and it doesn't seem like he wants to try. When I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn't give me a direct answer.
What now?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You will know when Mr right comes along, don't sell yourself short, u r a wonderful person,an you deserve the best. Billy
]
Decide what you want, and ask for it.
Do you want to try again? Really?
Because the idea of a 'reset button' is utter nonsense. Human beings do not work like that. It's possible to forgive and move forward, but pretending the past doesn't exist is impossible.
This guy seems to be telling you, rather clearly, that he is not okay with the expectations you have about the relationship. Whatever it is you are asking for, he seems uncertain that is willing or able to be in the kind of relationship you want. Whatever these problems are that you don't want repeated, he thinks they are going to repeat. He wont commit to NOT repeating them.
He's also telling you he isn't happy.
It sucks that he's dithering, and going back and forth, but if you listen to what he's saying, it's pretty clear he isn't committed to this relationship or making it work. He doesn't even want to make it work. He just doesn't want to be the one to really break it off.
Stop waiting for him to make a decision. You want to be together? Say as much and ask him to step up. He probably wont, but at least you'll know for sure.
If you don't want to be together. Walk now. He's practically begging you to end it so he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. Stop asking yourself what he want wants to do, and decide what you want. Then do that.
]
Hi there, I've been in a similar situation to you before as I was in a relationship with a best friend turned boyfriend for almost 3 years. After a year and a half he proposed to me and we were engaged to get married. Shortly after though it seemed like we had nothing but problems. If he wasn't doing one thing that was annoying me, he was doing something else and anytime I was simply asking him to do something he would see it as irritating nagging so the feeling of annoyance was mutual.
As time went on we became more distant and even the small things he did would aggravate me (similar to your boyfriend mentioning the beard incident). Soon enough it seemed as if all his friends and family hated me and I found out that he had started going to them and talking to them about our issues instead of coming to me about them. Giving them the worst possible impression of me and no way for me to defend myself.
With his family and friends turned against me and getting along seeming impossible, I broke up with him and moved out of our house.
We didn't speak for four months or so and then all the sudden we did. He wanted to talk to me and we met up one night for dinner.
Now it's been several months since then and we talk every day.
The problem with this lied in the fact that a few weeks back he made it evident he wanted to get back together with me as we once again, became the best of friends...I couldn't do it and you shouldn't either.
The issue is, things that happened in the past will always come back to haunt you. His friends and family will always remember the reasons you two broke up. He will always remember the worst things you did and you will always see his old flaws popping back up when he does something that rubs you the wrong way.
Things like don't go away because they're ingrained memories. They will get brought back up and he'll start falling into the same habits he had before because when you put somebody into a familiar situation (in this scenario, being your relationship) they'll subconsciously start reacting the same way they did the last time they were in the situation.
It's really best for both of you to start fresh with somebody new. You already tried to give it another chance and you've experienced the above. It's time to let go and move on to somebody who better fits your desired life.
You will find him. :)
]
He may have said he loves you. He may have said that even after breaking up he will have feelings, but you need to understand there is a difference between just love and being in love which is what all women want from a man. The behavior from men in love vs those who say they love you is vastly different too. We tend to use the word love to describe how strongly we like something such as I love chocolate and I love lasagna and cheesecake. Those are preferences. You may not love everything you eat to that extent, these are just the favorites. We can pick and choose a few traits we have in someone that is a favorite of ours, that we like extremely and so feel we can say, I love you. This does not mean the person can't live with out you. If I couldn't have cheesecake the rest of my life, no matter that its my favorite dessert, I could still live and not be emotionally distraught over it. When two people are 'in love' with each other, they don't pick and choose a couple of things they like alot and say they love you, they love the whole you, deep at core, your values, your dreams, your talents and will uphold and support who you are and encourage you to move forward and follow your dreams and they'll be right at your side. When you're in love, you dont want to hurt your partner and if one gets upset or cries, it hurts you to see them hurting, sex is wonderful because it is another way to show how much in love you are so its making love, not fucking, cus there is a commitment to each other. And the two find that doing the chores and mundane things of life together is better than doing so alone. Just being together makes lifes experiences even the plain ones, more fun and exciting because you have a partner to share it all together with and so the two rarely ever like being apart and their mate is their top choice in priorities, not their last. From his behavior, he is not in love with you.
Another thing is that people by late twenties like 28, 29 30 are questioning who they are. Up til now, they've tried to fit the image that family, friends or society has for them and its now they decide who they really are and what they really want in life. So he's that age but so far from this kind of decision that he may be one of those person who go through life single and never marry and have kids cus he just doesnt know what he wants and feels no compulsion to take the time to question that. If that is who he is, spending time with him will be a waste of time on your part.
I have a couple things I could send you that may help a little if interested, let me know. One is a list off a dating advice blog where I added my own perspective to round out the test, but its about 7 questions to ask yourself to discover if he really loves you. It was written by men who know better now but made these same mistakes in the past and can share a good test from a mans perspective and I feel it is right on!
I also have something I have written about how to find Mr. Right which involves you first understanding yourself, your strengths and weaknesss, much like you'd portray yourself on a job resume, and based on who you really are, come up with a list of what you are looking for in a man, the must haves, which are deal breakers, and so on. Let me know if you want that. I feel that without such a list to guide you, we tend to get distracted by other stuff and can settle for far less than the best and I know you want the best. But there is some learning ahead to have a better chance at finding the best. Just let me know dear. I hope you do walk away and not look back at this guy, Like missundersmock, I agree with her reasoning about this guy.
]
Ok lets break this down little by little, but before i do im going to give you the general idea of what i got from this first.
It sounds like he just doesnt want to try, hes done, hes lazy when it comes to change because he claims to know that hes being negative, yet refuses to just outright SAY that hes done and wants to split. Someone who cant be straight with you because of this is selfish. I say that because Youve clearly given all you can to this and in a relationship it takes two people that are willing to meet each other halfway and he sounds like hes not willing to do that even though your supposed to be his most treasured person (or should be when your in a relationship with someone else) sounds more like hes in a relationship with himself, hes living by his emotions (which can often mean moment to moment) and this is unstable, and unreliable when trying to have an adult relationship with someone. So next time gonna copy and paste everything you just said and then im gonna tell you what i think and i hope that helps.
Our relationship is a bit complicated. We had a lot of problems in the relationship due to trust issues. He broke my trust several times. He lied to me, hid things from me, and said things to his ex-girlfriends that he shouldn't have said. Because of that, it caused me to be anxious and insecure in the relationship.
"He broke up with me a few times last month in December and the official break up with on New Years Eve. He told me that he still loved me and that maybe later on, we could try again. We even agreed that neither of us would date anybody in January and he even wanted to keep seeing me from keep me from moving on. I was feeling very conflicted and confused from what he was saying and doing. He would tell me one thing, but he'd hide every trace of me on his Facebook page"
Ok your feeling conflicted because your hearing your better judgement tell you straight up that what hes saying SOUNDS like bullshit. And it is. No one does shit like this. If this isnt the type of relationship you want to be in then your going to have to just say "no thats not what im looking for sorry" and goodbye. It sounds like HE doesnt even know what he wants and is just as confused or more then you, and thats not healthy either. He needs time alone to figure out what he wants and you dont need to be there for that.
"or add a cute girl on Facebook, talk his his ex-girlfriend (not inappropriately, though). And I'm feeling really lost. I had to ask him directly and told him that if he was trying to have his cake and eat it, too, that's not okay."
Well there it is!! your better judgement has managed to peek through! See with this type of thing, this is more about what your willing to put up with when in a relationship wth someone. Some people ARE ok with their significant other still knowing their ex, SO LONG AS there is no dirty talk or under handed things going on, and they know of YOU and that your in the picture and not to cross boundaries.
This branches off into another issue which i wont fully address right now but in short no one should EVER be telling you (or you telling them) who they can and cannot continue to "know" or speak to just because they are now in a relationship with you. They may tell you that it makes them uncomfortable, and make their feelings known but at the end of the day we all the only ones that are accountable for our actions and theres no blaming others (like his ex trying to flirt and come on to him) except HIM for allowing it and continuing to have communication with them. Someone who demands you no longer speak with someone youve known or who was a major part of your life for along time is selfish and controlling and if their doing that kinda shit then thats only the tip of the iceberg. and you need to re-evaluate your relationship with them.
"We were trying to work towards me pressing the "Reset button," meaning that we pretend that we never dated and to start over. I have been trying to work toward that"
Ok notice what you just said here "YOU were working hard toward this goal"......question....where was HE with all this?? Cause im hearing a WHOLE lot of YOU doing things and nothing of what HES actually doing to work toward the same thing.....this is sounding more and more like a very one sided relationship. No "starting over" im not really sure that can be done at this point. It seems that too much hurt has gone on to be able to salvage anything worth while here because based on what youve done and the things hes said, it just all sounds like your doing all the "leg work" here and hes just lounging around emotionally and not sure of himself right now.
"but the fact that he added another girl on Facebook just told me that he was reverting back into his old behaviors. I had to speak to him about this last night. I told him that if we were trying to start new, we can't make the same mistakes that happened that placed us in our current place from before. He understood, apologized, and said that he'll stop."
maybe he didnt SEE this as a mistake or something that would upset you unless you spoke to him about this BEFORE and didnt mention it here. otherwise he could just be telling you what you want to here to be able to keep the status quo so things dont dramatically change in anyway to where hes forced out of his comfort zone.
"But as the conversation continued, he understood everything that I was saying but he was being really negative about the whole situation. He admitted that he was being negative and pessimistic, but he was being realistic. He told me that he's having a hard time because he feels guilty being with me because of the things that had happened between us a year ago."
No hunny, theres a difference between being negative and pessimistic and being outright hurtful. It sounds like he knows himself enough to know that hes not going to change and is using the EXCUSE of being "realistic" to justify his behavior. You can be realistic without being hurtful, its really not that hard if you just try.....
"He loves me but he can see a better future without me and can imagine a better fresh start with someone else"
And after he said this you didnt immediately except that its over? Hunny when i guy says this (which is rare because they dont normally like to air honest feelings) this means its OVER. I really hope that AFTER this statement was made that you excepted it for what it is....guys arent complicated creatures like women are, they dont usually say one thing and then MEAN someone else. Their usually quiet until the absolute last minute when their forced and out of options.
"I was frustrated. Because I'm the one that has depression, but I was the only one who was being optimistic. I told him that I was trying to move on from the past, and I wanted him, too. He said he does and that was the reason why he broke up with me in the first place."
No, see here he meant that hes trying to move on from YOU, your apart of "the past" now and he wants to move on from it.
You cant force someone to move on at the same rate you are, people have their own natural pace and have to do things in their own time not at someone elses. I know thats disappointing but people are people ya know....
"And became more confused and asked him does he just want to completely give up then and if he does, he needed to tell me now so I wouldn't try so hard for no reason. And he said, "I don't know," and that he just knows that he was happier in other relationships than in ours and that it was his fault."
Ok HERE is sounds like hes trying to go easy on you and make it so that YOULL give up and stop trying without him having to really communicate that hes done. None the less it sounds like hes been done for a WHILE now. when guys usually say "i dont know" it usually means "no" and "i dont want this anymore", and they just are afraid of what your reaction will be and dont know how to handle hurting/watching someone they care about hurt badly.
Theres alot of men who arent equipped to deal with heavy emotions but are perfectly willing to jump into relationships with people. That last part he said sounds like hes trying to let you down gently.
"It was a constant cycle. I pretty much clarified that I was willing to press the "reset button" and as long as the same mistakes from before doesn't repeat itself, I feel like things would be a lot better."
I hope your not actually thinking that this man is capable of being in a steady relationship with ANYONE right now let alone you. To tell you the truth here, it sounds like hes done with all of this, like its run its course, and your the only one here thats still hanging on to something that isnt there anymore. It sounds like your in love with the IDEA of still being able to be together but you may not want to face the reality that hes not interested, and wants to move on. I think you should let him.
See, the thing is....when you want to be in a relationship with someone, you want to be able to put forth the BEST version of yourself out there and i think it sounds like hes aware that hes not the best version of himself right now and it isnt fair to someone else to have to deal with issues he feels he still needs to work on within himself because they will come out in one form or another and you wont like it. It sounds like thats what is happening here.
"I tried to be optimistic and realistic about the situation knowing that it may not work, but I feel like if we worked hard enough and he was more positive, things will get better. We confirmed that he does think negatively and him thinking negatively will affect any chance we will ever have together. However, it doesn't seem like he's willing to change those thoughts."
Ok see thats a rare moment you were able to get from him there. Guys dont usually share their thoughts in such a manner. What he did there was basically tell you that he knows himself, he knows how he is, and he knows hes not going to change much beyond the person he is right now, and at this point you trying to cling on and dig your claws into him isnt going to help. (sorry if that comes off but im trying to be as plain as a can be here because its already a complicated situation) You already said yourself here that it seems like hes not willing" well thats because hes NOT and isnt interested in trying either.
"He admitted that there could be a slim chance of us working, but he doesn't feel like the prize at the end of it is worth it. He told me that he'll TRY to be more positive and that he sure he won't make the past mistakes again... but that's the most I can ask for right now."
Well hes right, that IS the most you can ask of him right now. See this is tough but i have to tell you this so that you will know much sooner the next time. Some people CAN and are capable of putting the past behind them and letting it stay there.....others are not. Their not ready to except and move forward and start anew with that same person. They just cant put shit behind them. Ive actually been through this and witnessed a friend go through this whole situation before and worked closely with her recovery afterward.
"And that breaks my heart. I wasn't much of a cause of what put us here. It just told me that I could do everything right and still fail at a relationship. I don't know what to say, what to do, or what to think. I'm trying my best and it doesn't seem like he wants to try. When I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn't give me a direct answer."
well firstly, hes not giving you a direct answer most LIKELY because HE doesnt even know. Your not a good match, some people just arent, and you didnt fail at anything, it takes two people to be in a relationship and both people have to be willing to grow WITH each other and meet each other halfway on things both emotionally and in the everyday sort of sense and HES the one thats not willing to budge on anything so theres no failure there on your part. Its all on him. You did everything you could to try to make it work, even giving to the point of frustration and exhaustion.
Sometimes love for someone just ISNT enough, and i think that is a tough lesson that not all people are willing to realize and understand before they find themselves direction in it neck deep.
Sometimes, people will go so far out on a limb for someone they care about emotionally that they find themselves standing there alone because the other person isnt as invested as you were. This often happens to people who allow their emotions to rule their lives.
For now just work on yourself, let him work on himself, leave him alone, and dont bother each other.
Spend time with your friends, have fun, do projects to keep yourself busy and time will pass and youll be able to look back on all this and say "what was i thinking? this guy didnt wanna do the work to be with someone like me!"
You sound very giving and like you deserve better, so find that someone special when the time is right that will give back in the ways you do!
good luck ; )
]
More Questions: |