Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 21110
Main Categories:
General Sex Questions
Mental health
Families
View All
Favorite Columnists
karenR
Razhie
isis
Alin75
Nallie
MaxwellsSilverHammer
TheTeenGirl
thistimeofyear
|
| |
if you give a bi guy head can you get dieses i think he cumed in my mouth and i think he has anal with guys.
so yeah
haha thanks (link)
|
Hi
It doesn't matter if you're straight, bisexual, or homosexual....you can get diseases all the same. Sex is sex....oral sex is oral sex, and anal sex is anal sex....doesn't matter who your partner is...if they are infected then there's a good chance you could be too.
Always be careful and practice safe sex.
Take care,
Brenda
|
|
alright you guys i need answers fast and i need good ones. theres this guy nate who i met about 5 months ago and after about 2 months we started liking each other and we made out a couple times. now, tomorrow he wants to hang out and he plans on taking it to the next level. im 15. everyone i know is telling me to wait and lecturing me so please dont. the thing is, is i want this to be really special and i dont want him to just think of me as just antoher girl (im a virgin and hes not) and i know that im getting really strong feelings for him and the thing is is like i dont know how he feels about me and hes not the type of person to come out and say it and it would be akward if i asked. today i was trying to talk about it and i was like if i said i didnt want to what would you do and hes like well id try to sweet talk you into it but then id just give up and i mean thats how he is and it was funny but i dunno im really stressed. what do i do? (link)
|
Hi
You need to do what feels comfortable and natural. If something doesn't feel right, chances are it's because it's not.
I have just one question for you. Why do you want to lose your virginity to someone whom you aren't even sure how he feels about you?
Losing your virginity is a BIG thing, and you want to be able to look back on it and not be like "what the hell was I thinking?"
Just remember to think of yourself first, and don't let anyone talk you into something you're not ready or sure about.
Take care,
Brenda
|
im not really sure if i am depressed so ill just tell you how i feel and you can tell me if you think im depressed.
how i feel and have been acting:
empty
alone
scared
havent been eating a lot lately
have been getting headaches and stomachaches
havent been hanging out with my friends lately
i like to sit in my room with the lights out
i have trouble sleeping lately
i dont really like to talk anymore
get annoyed at little things
a little bit dizzy sometimes
sad
dont like to talk on the phone anymore
dont really like going places
anxious over stupid things sometimes
please help thanks
one more thing i use to have thoughts bout suicide but now its like i dont care about anything and dont feel anything. (link)
|
Hi
I have clinical depression, and have had it since I was in the eight grade...I'm now 34.
Symptoms of depression are both emotional, and physical. Alot of people don't understand how depression can hurt you physically, but trust me it does.
The fact that you are asking this question is a good thing....you know you need help.
It's time to involve doctors/psychologists/counsellors. They will be able to help you work through this dark time. You may be put on medication that can really help bring you back to life so to speak.
Depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain, and can treated successfully with the right medication.
Good luck, and know that with help, life will get better.
Brenda
|
|
I'm considering getting a circumcision since I heard it is less likely to get STD's. The only problem is that some of my friends said that getting a circumcision makes your penis smaller. I don't know how since it is just getting your foreskin cut. Is this true or not? (link)
|
Hi
You know....there are much easier ways to prevent STD's. If that is the sole reason you are doing it, I have to ask why?
Use a condomn. Even with a circumcision, you can still get STD's, and it's a complete myth that circumsion will prevent STD's.
You should probably do a little more research before you undergo minor (yet painful) surgery.
Take care,
Brenda
|
i read one of your replies to someone and it confused me a lot, i was wondering if you could clarify what you meant.
here's the reply u gave:
My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex! I know this is hard to believe, and although very unlikely, it is possible.
Anytime you involve yourself in sexual activity, you take the chance of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI.
first how can you get pregnant if you never had sex??? and what is an STI?
thanks! (link)
|
Hi
My friend and her boyfriend were both naked, and very close. He ejaculated right by her vagina, and his sperm made their way inside.
Alot of people say "ya right...as if"...and that's fine. It is true however, and it's up to you if you want to believe it, and take the proper precautions.
Like I said, it is extremely rare, but it does happen.
STI stands for sexually transmitted infection. Basically the same as STD (sexually transmitted disease).
Thanks for asking to clarify.
Brenda
|
I'm female, and 18 years old.
My last period finished around the 30th March. A little over two weeks after that I became sexually active for the first time with my boyfriend - I'm still a virgin, but during that time we basically did everything bar actual sex (oral and 'hand jobs', both giving and recieving). We were careful - we made sure there was never any actual genital contact; most of the time at least one of us was wearing underwear, and on the couple of occasions that this was not the case, as I said, we made sure to keep a distance. Before we went to sleep, we definitely made sure that at least one of us was wearing underwear, to make sure there was no accidental contact when we slept.
My periods, annoyingly enough, have always been irregular, and it's actually pretty normal for me to go for a couple of months without actually having a period (sometimes I even experience PMS and cramps without actually having one until the next month, which can be particularly irritating)! So, normally I wouldn't be at all worried about the fact that I'm late, if it weren't for the aforementioned sexual activity. I haven't experienced any symptons of pregnancy, though I know that these vary from woman to woman, and I'd only be three or four weeks into it if I was anyway, but I am somewhat concerned.
My hymen is intact - is it even possible to get get pregnant if this is the case? (if only sex education were better in British schools, then I'm sure I'd know this..)
Help? (link)
|
Hi
I have answered questions like this many times, but I feel the need to get the knowledge out there.
My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex! I know this is hard to believe, and although very unlikely, it is possible.
Anytime you involve yourself in sexual activity, you take the chance of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI.
Chances are, you aren't pregnant, but please always be careful.
Take care,
Brenda
|
Okay...
My friend had sex last wednesday and when she was done she went home and couldn't sleep. She felt sick, looked horrible, and even started bleeding (she didn't tell me when, though) so we skipped school on thursday to talk and see what was up. She tried to eat and she threw up. She's still bleeding, feeling sick, and everything she eats she throws back up again. Any idea of what's wrong? (link)
|
Hi
Was that the first time she had sex? If the answer is yes, then she could be having some psychological issues surrounding losing her virginity.
If the answer is no, then honestly I'm not sure. Regardless, she needs to get to a doctor. It could be just coincidence that she got her period, and a touch of the flu at the same time, but I wouldn't risk it. Doctor knows best :)
Brenda
|
Okay here is my story ...
I'm 23 and I live with my bf ...I never had a real bf before so all this is kinda new for me..
I did'nt know what sex was and he taught me ..everything was going great but I still hold back ..he does a great job ..he turns me on and everything..I feel great when we have sex but my problem is I don't feel the need to do sex although it's great ..I just never ask him to do sex he is the one who always has to ask ..I never do it or sometimes I just don't feel like it
Last night I asked him how he thinks our sex life is going ..he said to me that it was going great but that I have to do more..... like ask him more often to have sex ..losen up more etc etc
Help me I don't want to lose this guy he is the best but I cann't help it ..whatever I do I keep holding back .,.....
I don't have nobody to talk to ...My mom left us sins we were 12 so as you understand sins than I have been anwsering my own questions but this is one question I can't answer that's why I need help.....
thx
(link)
|
Hi
Life is full of couples who have sex drives which do not match. It's very rare to find a couple who have matching sex drives.
Nine times out of ten, it is the woman who has a lower sex drive.
It sounds like your boyfriend is somewhat understanding when it comes to your feelings, but I think the two of you need to talk.
Open communication is so important. You not wanting to have sex with him as much as he does, really has nothing to do with him. It has to do with that fact that you are just not in the mood.
My husband and I are kinda like that. I swear he would have sex three times a day, and me, not so much :) We have a very good marriage with open communication, so he knows that I am very much in love with him, I am physically attracted to him, I do want him....just not as often as he would like.
Experimentation is also a fun way you can spice up a not so hot sex life. Talk about things you would both like to do....but never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Good luck to you, take care.
Brenda
|
|
Hi all I am 28 years old and I have a daughter who is going to be 9 this year and she has been asking me how babies get into the tummy and what pads are for and I am having truble getting the right way to say it...As I dont remember my mom talking to me about it...But I wont to be the one to tell her so she will be able to talk to me about anything....I was not comfertable talking to my mom and I wont my daughter to be able to talk to me.......if anyone could help me please do.thanks (link)
|
Hi
It's funny...my daughter is nine years old too, and I just finished having that exact talk with her.
She is old enough to hear the truth. At this age, if you sugar coat it, it's not going to do any good.
Even though my daughter looked at me like I was from another planet, I told her how a girl becomes pregnant. I figure, I want her to know, so she can take the appropriate steps to protect herself in the future.
As for the pads...I also explained to my daughter about periods, and although she was a little horrified to find out that women "bleed", she understood. Now she will be ready for her first period.
I'm like you....I want my daughter to be able to talk to me about ANYTHING, and being open and honest with her about life's little mysteries is the first step to open communication.
Good luck,
Brenda
|
I'm going to get tested for STIs/STDs with my boyfriend. He's my first sexual partner, so if I have anything it would be from him. He has been sexually active for several years though, and about 4 years ago he had unprotected sex with 2 successive girlfriends, who he thinks may have been quite promiscuous.
So, there's a chance he could have something that hasn't shown up yet, i.e. HIV (I heard it can take up to 10 years to show).
If he has HIV and has passed it to me, I'd really rather not know as I think it would be the end of our relationship, and he is my absoloute soulmate.
So, my question is, if we both have HIV does it matter if we sleep together - it won't make it any worse surely? (link)
|
Hi
First of all...good for you for taking the steps to get tested!!! Alot of people don't.
If you do have HIV (which I truly hope you don't), then you need to know. Refusing to find out is surely a death sentence for you, and possibly other people who you may have contact with down the road.
Treatment for HIV has come a long way, and people can still live long, productive lives while fighting this disease.
Why do you think it would be the end of your relationship? If you truly are soul mates, then you will be able to work through this.
If you both have HIV, then sleeping together won't make it any worse, but you need to know, to protect yourself and others down the road.
With all this being said, wait till you get the test results back and if you do have any STD's, then your doctor is the best person to give you any kind of advice.
Take care,
Brenda
|
im 15/f and me and my best guy friend went to a party n both got a little drunk among other things. anyway we ended up having sex and since then i've found out im pregnant and i know its his and i told him about it. hes basically demanding i keep it but see i dont want to b/c its going to destroy my body, reputation,i know i wont be able to keep my gpa above a 4.0, and my mom will kill me. so should i just go behind his back or what?
(link)
|
Hi
Getting pregnant is not an oopsy. It's a decision that you made. When you have sex, there is always that chance.
Now, I'm not against abortion, but I also feel that it should not be used as a form of birth control. Having an abortion can really mess you up physically and emotionally.
The fact is, is that you got pregnant, and now you have to deal with the consequenses. Ultimately the decision is up to you...it is your body, but if the father is truly against it, then you have to take that into consideration.
You stated that the reason you don't want to be pregnant is because it's going to destroy your body???? What's up with that??? Can we say selfish? Your reputation is something that you obviously didn't consider when you decided to have sex, and a baby is not going to stop you from having a great gpa.
Maybe it's time you grew up, and had a talk with your parent's. If they are behind the abortion, then I would talk to the father and let him know that you are going through with it, before you do. I think you will regret going behind his back.
I got pregnant before I was married too, and I have to say that my daughter is the single most important thing in my life. She is my world, and I couldn't imagine my life without her.
Don't forget to consider adoption as well.
Good luck,
Brenda
|
hey guys well im one of the most paranoid people you would ever meet. well last night my boyfriend was over and we were just kind of "fooling around" you know nothing too bad.. well we both had our clothes off and i was laying on top of him and we were kissing. i didnt want things to end up going too far so i stopped.. well the thing is i know that before this he did cum but it was like 20-30 minutes before that.. but is there any chance that i could have gotten some of the sperm inside of me.. i heard that once the sperm hits the air it dies but is this true? please dont give me any rude answers
thanks! (link)
|
Hi
I've answered a similar question...but I will give you the same advice.
My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex! I know this is hard to believe, and although it is very uncommon, it is possible.
They were fooling around naked just like you did, and he came....without going inside. She still got pregnant.
Be careful!!!!
Brenda
|
|
Why do i feel like i need sex??? im 13/f and im 5'1 and 200 pounds. what is wrong with me?? (link)
|
Hi
You're dealing with major hormones at your age. It's normal to have those feelings.
I'm wondering why you put your height and weight, and the thing I can come up with is that you have a low self-esteem about your appearance, and feel that having sex would make you feel loved...am I right?
I can tell you with 100% certainy that having sex with guys, just for the sake of having sex, will not make you feel loved. Actually the exact opposite will happen. You will feel used, and wonder why the guys don't want anything to do with you after.
Don't ever use sex as a way to be accepted and loved, it will backfire on you, and your self-esteem will sink down even further.
Take care,
Brenda
|
|
Okay so everything is great between me and my boyfriend. When we have sex, he likes to touch me down there. The only problem is that when he touches me, it tickles badly. I hate it because it tickles but my boyfriend is starting to feel weird about it. Everytime he touches me there, we have to cut it short because i cant stand to be tickled. I think it is putting a bit of a strain on our sex life. What should I do? (link)
|
Hi
I'm ticklish too!! You need to relax :) If you get all tensed up, and think "OMG, it's going to tickle", then it will.
What if you kept your hand on top of his...kinda guided it. We all know it doesn't tickle when we do it. Maybe he could be a little less gentle. Not so that it hurts obviously, but so that it's not the light, ticklish, touch...do ya know what I mean?
Good luck.
Brenda
|
i'm 17/f and i've been raped 3 times and not by the same person- once when i was 8 then 12 and now, 17.
i have never had a boyfriend,not being big headed or anything but i'm not the kind of girl that is avoided by guys. i have some greate friendships with guys. but my big problem is now i'm afraid of getting close to guys. i'm scared of hugs and stuff but i get realy scared when they kiss me goodbuy (on the cheek). i'm also terrified of people coming up behind me and scaring me- i cry everytime it happens. but the worst thing is that the last rape tipped everything over- it happened three months ago and i've been to the doc and everything's fine. but i've started to get used to being raped. i feel like the only way i'm going to have a relationship is if someone forces me to. will i ever get over this fear? pluss ontop of that everyone at school found out that i had been raped- i told one person-the wrong person-now everyone is makeing fun of me because they think it's a lie. everytime someone talkes to me they always bring it up. and me being the person i am hides everything-i've become good at it- no one knows that it's taring me up inside. what do i do? will i ever get over my fear and get a boyfriend?will i ever be able to show my face again at school? (link)
|
Hi
If you've read my column you will see that I to have been where you are. I know exactly how you feel. It's awful. I didn't think I would ever be normal again. But I am! I got help though. Professional help. To this day, I still go to therapy periodically.
Rape is a HUGE violation of both body and mind, and it's not something that you can get through on your own. I tried, and I just kept getting more miserable.
I can tell you, that if you take care of yourself, and get help, you will get through this and move on to lead a very happy and normal life.
Victims of rape have a VERY hard time trusting people, especially men. It's normal that you jump at affection and don't like being scared. The thought of the rapes are constantly on your mind...that's what you can and will work through in therapy.
As for the kids at your school...they're NOT WORTH IT!! Kids can be very cruel, as you are experiencing.
I'm sure you have one or two close friends that you can confide in. Just stick with them. If people start to make fun of you, or accuse you of lying, walk away. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. They are trying to get a rise out of you...don't let them.
You need supportive people. Do your parents know? You may not want to tell them (I didn't want to), but I did in the end, and I'm so glad I did.
Please get help...so you can deal with these violations, and try to move on. I know you can do it. Take care.
Brenda
|
|
So my boobs have been itchy lately and I messed around with this guy that I just met but we don't have sex we just dry hump and the last night we messed around we dry humped with his boxers off and my under wear on?? So I didn't know if that was okay as long as he didnt stick it in me or he didnt blow.. I'm a really paranoid person so I am glad I found advicenators.com instead of asking my friends sometimes because most of them are sexually active and look at me funny. (link)
|
Hi
My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex!! I know this is extremely hard to believe, but it is possible. They were both naked, and he "came" close to her vagina, and they can swim/crawl. Be careful.
Leaving your underwear on was a good idea, but it never hurts to take precautions.
As for the itchy breasts...not sure about that one. Could be a skin allergy to something. If it persists, I would talk to your doctor. Take care.
Brenda
|
ok im 13/f and one of my friends have been "messing around" lately but i wont have sex with him without a condom. the problem is my mother stil thinks im a virgin. i dont know how to get birth control or condoms without my mom finding out. in the area i live in there is only 2 small gas stations around which both carry condoms but i have a feeling my mom would find out about me buying them, i wouldnt be so worried about her finding out if the guy was 16. i have had sex with him before and ended up missing my period for 2 months! are there any ideas on how to get protection?
please help soon! i rate well! (link)
|
Hi
Here's a question for you....do you think your mom would be more upset if she found out you were buying condoms, or is she found out you were pregnant?
Having sex is such a monumental step in one's life, and I'm very sorry that you've already experienced that. You are far too young, but I understand that I can't change your mind.
Babies having babies is such a harsh epidemic, and you could easily fall into that category.
If you insist on having sex, please INSIST that your boyfriend buy the condoms. If he won't then buy them yourself. The last thing you need is to end up pregnant at your age. Take care.
Brenda
|
|
Ive been raped before and everytime im with a guy i get flashbacks. its been about 10 years since this has happened but im still scared its gonna happen again. how can i get over the feeling? (link)
|
Hi
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel (I've been there more than once).
I found that to get past these troubling flashbacks and nightmares you have to work through your feelings. Are you in councelling? This is so important. A good councellor can work with you until you can step out of your black haze and move on with your life productively.
Of course the bad memories will never completely go away, but it can and will get better if you take the right steps.
Writing this question was a great step. The fact that you are recognizing your problem and are seeking help is so important. The worst thing you can do is keep it bottled up inside.
It's terrifying to re-live your attack every time you want to have sex, maybe you should consider abstinence until you feel you've worked through your issues? Just a thought. Please get help. Take care.
Brenda
|
|
well one of my friends was raped the other day and it was horrible. well i want her second time to be more enjoyable and be with someone who really loves her and i do. well i dont know wut hit me, but i said i would give my virginity to make sure her second time was enjoyable and with some1 she loves and who loves her back. well now im having second thoughts. well she is really excited about it and i sorta am too, but i dont know. by the way i am 14 and she is 16. i just want to make her happy, and i only want to lose my virginity to either her or my g/f. well she lives in oklahoma and i live in illinois and she might come up here durring the summer so i need help. please help me and thanx in advance. should i do it with my friends or wait? (link)
|
Hi
O.K.....before I start I want you to know that I realize that you think you have your friends best interest at heart, and I commend you for that.
I also know what it's like to be raped at her age. The LAST thing that she or you should be thinking about is her next time.
She needs to get into councelling to talk about
what happened to her. Being raped is a complete violation of one's body and mind. You don't get over something like that by having sex with your friend that you trust. It may be years before she can willingly have sex and enjoy it.
The best thing you can do for her is to be there for her to talk to, to let her cry on your shoulder, just be a friend. The last time I checked, being a great friend did not include having sex with them.
When the time comes that she's ready...who knows...maybe you two could hook up then (if you're both available).
You mentioned that you are having second thoughts and I think that tells you exactly what you need to know. But that also means that it could lead to a VERY awkward experience for both of you...something that she especially nor you need!
Please rethink this and decide against it. I honestly think it would do more harm than good. You have a girlfriend, and no matter what others say she does not have to "understand" that you want to have sex with someone else...regardless of the circumstances.
You need to wait and have sex with the right person, for the right reasons, and only when you both are ready. I know the last thing you would want is to hurt your friend or your girlfriend.
Keep sex out of it!!
Take care,
Brenda
|
Is it just a myth that you can masturbate too much?
If it isn't, what are the consequences of it?
How much is too much?
I'd appreciate real medical answers instead of just guesses or rumors, but I'll take anything. If it makes a difference, the question is for someone m/21. Websites would be great. Thanks. (link)
|
Hi
There is nothing wrong with masturbation...in fact, it has many benefits. It can help you achieve better, longer lasting orgasms when having sex with a partner. It can help you find out what you really like and how you like it.
I think that as long as masturbating isn't interfering in your life ei: doing that instead of going to work, or out with friends etc. then do it, and enjoy it!!
Brenda
|
|