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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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So I am in a friend with benefits situation with my ex ,but I would like to start dating other people again and I am not sure how to handle the situation because I would still like to just friends and with my ex but without the sex .I just don't know if I need to have a conversation with my ex before I start dating again or do I need to wait until I am on a relationship with someone?


Be aware that the reason you are friends with benefits with ex, and the reason that he is, may not be for the same reason. Yes, someone you were sexual with is a comfortable, predictable, maybe safe thing. Maybe he feels the same way. Then again, maybe not. There could be some gal or several he sees from time to time and is sexual with and when they are not available, then he can count on you as last chance. I do not know your ex, just that from my dating experiences trying to find someone husband material after a divorce, and had run into all types. One thing I did while dating others was to be honest with each guy I met and let them know that I would be meeting with other guys too until I found one I wanted to stick with solely so I could focus closer and see whether he would be the right match long term. It seemed that all the guys understood that very well and no one became upset by my revelations. So if it were me, I would be honest and let him know I was ready to start dating again but would like to stay friends, however without the sex, as that would be a hard thing for any new boyfriend to accept if it were any other guy, but his girlfriends ex? I don't think any male is going to have that sit right with him. Its enough of a stretch to let a perspective boyfriend hear that you are chummy with your ex. If your ex wants to drop being friends and won't accept your terms, then so be it. If you worry more about losing him as a friend than being free to date, then perhaps you might want to revisit the idea of being married to each other again.

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So I am a 35 year old female and this is kind of complicated but here it goes. So I am friends with one my ex's right now but we are truly just friends we are not in a romantic relationship at all we just hang out. The this things I started talking to my other ex again a couple of days ago we are going to meet up to see if we can start dating again. My question is Do I need to tell both of them about each other ? If I do when and how soon ? I just don't want to cause any drama or hurt feelings. But I don't want to mention it to soon either.

I will tell you how I navigated seeing several guys at once and then the choice is up to you as to what you do.

After a divorce, I created a dating profile on PC, not one of those swipe on pics of guys on phone app. Now none of these men were exes. I was just meeting them for first time and would meet each one until something I did not want in a man, was exhibited in his behavior. These first times were meet ups and many did not go to a first date. At the first meetup I was open and honest and let the guy know that I was just exploring to find the guy I wanted to date long term and so I would be seeing other guys. I suppose you could state that you have decided to get together as friends with exes, so not just one, but if anything changed from just being friends to something more, then you would let friend exes know. This is what you will be doing and if he's not okay with it, then you both end friendship now. I gave my guys the permission right at the first meetup to decide how he felt and if he wanted to walk away right then, I was okay with that.

I did find the man I wanted a long term relationship with and we're married now 16 years.

I would like to add that finding a partner is hard to do. There are no classes offering relationship training in HS or college or that age bracket so many of us either luck out or crash and fail. Since I was older and I'd already had one long but bad relationship and had kids to think of, I set up guidelines for myself. Well, I can't take the credit, God helped give that info to me. So I have put what I learned into a document I call "Finding Mr. Right." It certainly helped me to find the one I could truly say was my best friend and also lover. If you wish to receive that document, let me know by choosing "search advice columnists" on left and finding me, dragonflymagic, opening my column and making the request from there.

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So I go t back with my ex in December 22nd and it's now January 13th . We were together the last time for a year. This time not even a month and we are already having issues. The problem is I am starting to fall back in love with again, but he plainly said he doesn't feel the same way when I told him my feelings. He say he appreciates the way I feel about him but he doesn't feel the same way about me , but he also said it's up to me if I wanted to continue the relationship? Why is he wanting to continue the relationship if he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him? We are not in a sexual relationship yet . If that helps.

You mention a lot but your only question was why hes willing to continue relationship if he doesn't feel in love? Thanks for adding that its non sexual since that is usually the most common reason, free sex for the guy as long as the gal is willing to give it.

So I have heard of one other reason enveloping a few areas, and that is of seeing a woman as a substitute mother/maid. This may be for free meal prep, or house keeping, providing financially to situation or just that friendly listening ear always available and ready to boost your emotions when you have a crappy day. Just think of the different roles of a Mom and that should explain it. If non of that applys, then perhaps he just wants the company so he's not lonely until he does find the woman he falls in love with and at that time, you will be dropped quickly like a hot rock.

Do not think that if one of two people feel love, that the two are meant to be together for life as a couple either significant other or married. If two people meet and you feel something for the guy, the guy will be doing his best to find time to call and spend lots of time together to see if he continues to feel something for the woman. Remember the excitement you felt when you got the toy you wanted for Birthday or Christmas but over time, that excitement dissipated because that toy couldn't hold your interest over time? I remember clearly a toy or two where that happened to me. Its happens to all of us, even when adult and dating. A person can feel exciting when two people first meet, but over time, that feeling of excitement and adoration just go away for one or both people. If for only one, it leaves the other person who still has feelings being pretty confused about what is going on.
If you actually had a different question or another question, you may write to me direct by going to 'browse advice columnists' on the left of this page, clicking and finding me, dragonfly magic and clicking on my name to send a second question.
Wishing you the best,
Dragonflymagic

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I really don't know know wear to begin but heart is broken . I was dating this guy that had fallen in love with for 6 months. I wanted to marry him Things seemed to be going great. We never fought or anything. I gave him my virginity. I didn't notice anything was wrong and the one day I started getting concerned. I haven't heard from in about 3 days so I decided to check his fb and then realized he changed his fb status from in a relationship to single without even telling me he was even thinking about ending the relationship. I had just had a hysterectomy the week before he broke up with me . I ended up going to the psychiatric hospital because of all this. Then he sends a reply the text that sent him a few days before asking what I did wrong and he replied that I did nothing wrong he just didn't have time and needed to walk away from the dating aspect of the relationship but he would still like to be friends. We hung out the other day for about 2 hours. I was happy because I was with him but I realized that still head heals and madly in love with him and I don't know how to stop these feelings. I still feel like I want to have sex and I know that not possible and will never happen. He noticed something was wrong and asked if he could hug me and I said yes . What should I do?

Have you asked yourself what you are really looking for in a guy? There are all sorts of choices but it only works well when the guy wants the same thing. This can range from being his on call lover when he has no one else lined up, being a friend with benefits (which means sex ) to being a female to take out to have fun at parties(being someones plus 1 which is another on call thing but without the sex) and finally: dating to find the woman he wants to marry; settle down with. I know it may sound wrong but it is best to be open about what you are looking for. Dating to find ones marriage partner is the only choice with a commitment attached. However, since it is a search for the right person for you, both people need to let the other know after a few dates if they are interested in checking you out a while longer, are sure and want to date to get to know you on a deeper level and marry you or a person is upfront and lets the other know that you are not the one for them at which point you both no longer see each other, no matter how disappointed one person is from the news. Age doesn't matter as this applies at any age you are. It may seem counter productive to let a guy know on a second date what you are looking for and find out what he is looking for. Men or woman can lie to the other person. So how do you know if you can count on what they are saying? There is a way. I used it with the man who became my second husband. You listen to what they say about who they are inside, and look for the qualities that you want. A person can only pretend and put up a fake personality for a short while. It becomes too tedious to remember what lies you've already told. ALL people will eventually revert back to their own selves sooner or later. By a 3rd date, one guy showed his true self and I finished the evening without saying a thing, eating dinner he prepared, but went home planning to never see him again. What you tell such men is that there wasn't enough chemistry to make it work. While that could be true, it seems the easiest thing for guys to understand. If you wait for a guy to tell you upfront what he is looking for, the majority of men, I have found don't do this but they appreciate the woman being the subject up. They don't want to for the reason of fear. Or some guys just don't have any idea what they are looking for other than wanting a female for sex. Yes, sexual compatibility is important and I said so in my dating profile on-line but if the first thing a man wrote to me was something about how sexy I was, I never replied because Duh....what guy would write to a gal he didn't find sexy looking. Always remember, words are cheap and easy for a man to say, but his consistent good actions are what you are looking for. The inconsistent man will keep up saying and doing what he thinks or guesses you want and when he feels like you have fallen for him, then if he doesn't want a wife, he dumps you or perhaps goes for some sex til the thrill of a new partner wears off, and dumps you. Another thing I can share is something I read about the person who keeps dumping and finding new sex partners. If you wanted that, it would feel strange to tell the guy up front what you want. Hey, some divorced women only want a sex partner after a failed marriage and don't want a husband ever again. I can understand. So a person who keeps changing from one to the next and the next partner, may be addicted to the feeling, the thrill of meeting someone new. It is actually a thing, being addicted to the feeling of being with a new partner. Well, after some time, that feeling goes away, and is replaced (in good marriage relationships) with the feeling of love, minus the excitement and maybe shyness both felt at first. Even though I thought I knew what I wanted 2nd time around, There were still things I needed to think about and learn and I feel that in prayer, God gave me some things to consider. I have that in a document I've titled "Finding Mr. Right". If you would like to read that, let me know and I will send the info to you. It sure helped me in finding and then being sure of my choice and he had done something similar which helped him to know I was the one. If you do write, instead of posting to the whole group you can write to just me by going to "browse advice columnists" and looking for me, dragonflymagic and sending to me from my column. Best wishes to you dear.

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I wrote about this situation already. The advice I received was good and I agreed then now I feel different again. It was about a guy 10 years older than me( this doesn't bother me) who lives in another country. I am 25 but as said before I was going to move to his country then I met him online and changed my mind since I am religious and he isn't. I don't want to be unevenly yoked because I already see the problems that this will cause. For instance, I want my husband and kids to serve together. My feelings for this guy though are strong. Texting is not as special for me to write this but via video call the chemistry is crazy. Yesterday, I recorded it and looked back and it was like those videos you see in a movie. He is the type of guy that wakes up early to send me a text telling me not to forget stuff that I will need for work. If I call him at 3 am because something happened he will wake up and stay until I can fall asleep. Or if he will be busy throughout the day he will message and inform me why but still send a message or two during the day. However, on the other side he keeps telling me he will end up alone and that he is not sure he can follow the Bible. He just knows he believes in God. Sometimes he will attend service at my request but I don't want it like that. I do not know what to do. Of course, I do not want to change him or force him but I feel like we can make it work but I don't know how. I made a joke recently where I had deleted some messages and he asked what I deleted and I said “ my confessions of love for you” and he said “ oh I don't know what to say I am going to end up alone.” But then he calls and texts everyday. When I am annoyed and tell him I don't want to talk he sometimes just stays on the call or if he hangs up he messages me an hour or two later to see if I am ok. If another guy is interested or seems interested in me based on some story I confided in him with he obviously gets jealous because then he calls me more and texts even more. I just want us to try to work. Like keep thinking if it was me in his shoes and I would have at least tried. Like sometimes I think I can compromise but I have been there and it doesn't work.

I keep thinking maybe I should ask him to try because I actually really want him or at least to try. He is a good guy and makes me happy even with the distance. His flaws usually bother me doesn't because he has too many good qualities.

Also, I have a job opportunity near his city and I really would like us to move forward before I end up at the job .

Should I bring it up or let it be and see what happens ? If so, how long should I wait before I just give up. I don't want to because we can't just be friends. He knows that and I know that.

side note: he may be bipolar or something. Only once he told me about seeing terapist but ended up taking pills that made him feel bad.

By religious I assume you mean church attender. However there is another classification, of one who has accepted Jesus death as payment for our sin and have a vital relationship with our Lord, talking to Him in prayer, and by his Holy Spirit hearing from Him. If you were able to hear from him, you wouldn't have as many questions. Reading the bible more often, (I am still working on that) can help shed light on some of basic direction you should go. Him attending your church service won't make him a 'saved' believer. Being just a believer isn't good enough because the demons and devil believe Jesus exists too. Only you can know whether your life is at a right place or whether there are some major shifts you need to make in yours before being ready to marry anyone, preferably another saved Christian man. I started out marrying a church going man. He did all the right things while in church but behind closed doors, treated me terribly. At some point, the devil tricked me into thinking I was following God but at same time was wrapped up in new age/paganism. While in that state, away from God, I divorced, found a man who treats me like Gold but who is not a saved child of God. So now I live with this, and it is hard being in relationship with someone who does not have the same future as i do. He is okay with me praying, watching Christian u-tube stuff, and volunteering together at a church that does a community feeding program. I know of a scripture that says that a Christians unbelieving spouse will be sanctified by God if the Christian stays with that unbelieving spouse. I did worry about the possibility of his destination after death being Hell. So whatever you do, I would suggest that prayer be a large part of how you proceed, and don't make excuses based on a job possibility or feelings, because feelings can mislead. I do see the importance in feeling chemistry with a person, such as I felt when I met my now 2nd husband. But even though I was hoping all turned out well in the end, I was now watching him to see if was consistent in who he portrayed himself to be. Some men will do whatever they think you want to see but once they think they have you hooked (in love with him) will drop the fake persona and revert to their real self because it takes a great amount of energy to keep up the fake. I pray Gods Holy Spirit speaks to you clearly. Blessings

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My BF and I are both 15. We are both part of the same church and youth group and we took pledges not to have sex before marriage. We are lucky we have an easy time talking deep and honest with each other about our feelings including how we crave each other sexually. We kiss and cuddle but we keep to the boundaries we decided on. Even then he has to have breaks to calm down when we make out and cuddle because he gets so horny. To be honest it is fun to see how desperate I can make him. He says I am evil but we laugh and he never tells me to stop. It is harder for him because he had a history of turning to porn and masturbating and he is doing this self improvement thing where he is goes for weeks not touching so he is not tempted on the porn again. The times he has given in he gets so upset and he feels like a failure. I tell him I am proud of him for being so good for so long most of the time. I know our flirting and cuddling is making it harder for him not to masturbate. It is like we are trying to be good but having fun tempting each other. He does exercise to calm down and that is fun to watch when we face time. He looks very nice without his shirt when he is doing sporty things. I feel like we are being good but also bad at the same time. Are we hypocrites? Should we be less physical? Am I confusing him? I do not want him to stop telling me how much he craves me or knowing when he gets his erections. We feel like we are being more controlled than most people our age. He says we are playing with fire. Even when we pray about it together and he calms down it does not take much to get him hyped up again. This is not about going to the next step. No one is pressuring the other to do more. I am just wondering, are we doing too much and am I making it too hard for him to be good?

All that you mention is very important and appropriate but only in marriage. As he said, you are playing with fire. All it takes is having punch at a party that you're told is not spiked and you both end up a little drunk and therefore not as strictly in control of your decisions. If this guy is the one you plan to marry, and him marry you, then kissing and cuddling is enough to know you both have great chemistry together. If you keep pushing it as you do currently, then it's a matter of time before you do what you say you didn't want to do. It may be that some of what you are doing (since I really don't know) is actually part of sex, foreplay and according to church and bible, is already considered having sex. Think of a fancy dinner with appetizers first, then the salad or soup, then the meal, then dessert. Its all the same thing split up into its different parts. What you engage in could well be the equivalent of appetizers, or salad or soup. Penis in vagina sex would be the dinner and dessert, the orgasm. I am much older, 65 and hubby a year younger, and what you describe sounds like us. We could be in bed and he is trying to just talk about the day while I start in working on him and he can't finish any sentence and I laugh and giggle, cus yeah, it's a rush to know I have that power to make him react as he does. And for porn or the equivalent, it works great for married partners to take the photos they want. He doesn't want to wake me maybe in the morning early so he will look at nude pics of me that just he has a collection of. THis is not something for now dear, please keep in mind, this is for a married couple and would go along well with the type of teasing you are talking about.

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I've been with man almost 5 years and in the last almost 2 years he's been talking to other women and calling them beautiful, but gives me barely any attention...yet I work, cook, clean and take care of my 2 kids...I don't wanna leave him but I've brought it to his attention and all he says is they messaged me...yeah ok they did, doesn't mean you need to respond! Oh but he does. So unless something changes I will be leaving him sooner than he thinks.

I've been with my 2nd husband 15+ years and his devotion and love just keeps growing. Now his personality is one of upholding and being kind to all women so he does pay compliments but I am not overlooked and hear from him all the time that he is the luckiest man on earth and has the best wife of all. First husband didn't know how to love anyone even his kids. So I know the living with a bad guy and a good guy. Yours certainly sounds like the bad guy and is taking you for granted. He must figure you'll always be there and be content begging for the scraps of his attention. If he is willing to go to marriage counseling or maybe just see a counselor himself, then maybe you can wait on him to see what happens. If he refuses like my first husband, then it's time you move on. The children deserve to see you happy and treated well by another man if you go that way. Unfortunately for me, the girls saw how their Dad was with me. The oldest married a man worse than my husband, the middle one was scared of real men and afraid to marry and content to rather date and be the leader in the relationship. The youngest one is married and though not the worst, the husband still could use a lot of improvement. For example, he is a wimp regarding pain from previous injury and my daughter has been the one working full time to add to the little comp. he gets from army. I wish you the best dear in your future.

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I will keep this short. I broke up with my bf of 3 years because his life was on pause and he was making no steps to move forwards, no commitments to himself or our relationship and everything felt like it was just hit a wall.

The agreement was that we still loved each other but he agreed he needed to fix his life before we could be together. I told him he could do whatever he wanted, and he reassured me all he wanted was to be with me and make it work. He had a lot of distraction, adhd and other issues related to mental health that he had been avoiding working on for years and I finally said I couldn’t do it anymore unless he got help. He promised he would work hard to get us back on track that he only wanted to be with me.

Now two weeks later I find out he’s now sleeping with someone else. I know rationally that he’s free to do what he likes, but I can’t help but feel disappointed that this is what he chose, probably another distraction, than actually dealing with his issues. It makes me want to throw in the towel and any hope he had made of us getting back together.

Am I crazy for feeling this way and doubting all his words and promises now that I know he’s already sleeping with others?

You did say something to the effect that he could do whatever he wanted which he may have grasped onto as you giving him permission to do what he felt like doing or not doing which means he likely felt it was a free card to do whatever he wanted. I may be totally wrong but he probably wasn't strong enough in character to do the adult things and take care of his issues while proving how dedicated he is to you. Yes, I may be older but when I remarried I had to find someone better than the man I left. I was verbally abused before and now knew what a warning sign would look like. I think you just got yours. So I spent a lot of time with him before marrying him because I was looking to see if he would be consistent to everything he said, or not. He was consistent and proved himself trustworthy. It's been 15 years and he has always been trustworthy. I can tell by observing him and how he consistently still looks at me like when we first met. And still treats me like a princess. For an example, he has remembered what things I like so if he's out running an errand and see's something he knows I'd like, he gets it for me. I don't have to ask. It might not be expensive jewelry but then he knows how picky I am in that and would rather check out the jewelry section at a second hand store where they have seriously under-priced something and called me over to see if I like it. I have a ring and watch I adore, that I have gotten that way. Enough about me, but I was trying to give you a good look at what it is like, not just saying I love you, but acting it out. Having sex with a new gal, proves he doesn't know what real love is, he only understands sex and the gratification of it. So if you want him for only a sex partner, have at it. If you want love for you only, a real commitment whether married or not, he doesn't sound like it. So, you are not crazy, torn between what you want versus what he said.

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My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We have been married for this long, however, we have been together for about three years in total. For the most part, we get along. However, ever since we started the relationship, I realized that he has a lot of unhealthy communication. I def have my own faults and things to work on, but I never come near disrespect in this relationship unless he starts it. Unfortunately, there were many times before we got married, that he would tell me to shut up when we were arguing or in a heated fight. So at first, I used to retaliate and tell him to shut up back and that he can't talk to me like that. We've had several conversations about this, he always makes me feel degraded by telling me I need to grow up, to shut the fuck up, or terms like that when we fight. Yes, sometimes I do raise my voice (SPECIFICALLY when he speaks over me, when I am trying to express myself, he will tell me to lower my voice, but because we live in a really quiet area, and he is always speaking over me, it sounds like im yelling when im just trying to speak over him-cause I never get to talk!!
Little by little, when we would make up, we would reflect and talk about how it is not okay for him to tell me to shutup, or to grow up, or for me to raise my voice. I have stuck with this pretty well, he on the other hand, has NOT.
Till today, every fight or heated argument we get into, I always feel so disrespected! He tells me to shutup, again and again. As if we never even discussed these things!!

I feel so hurt, I feel so misunderstood. I feel like I a living with a bully. I get really confused because he does all these sweet things for me, when we are good, he treats me so well! But when we fight, he turns into this horrible 2 year old that throws tantrums and acts so IMMATURE. It is so unattractive. I am 29 and he is 30 but I feel like I married a child!
He does not make me feel feminine, he does not make me feel like I want to make up, because he is so passive aggressive, arrogant, and VERY ENTITLED. He is so toxic in his masculinity, and when I asked him how he would feel if I told him to shutup, he told me it was not the same thing and that I could never tell him that.

I really feel like Im starting to hate him, hate living with him. I feel like I have been too kind. I have been too sincere, and he does not deserve me. I have no one to talk to! I dont want to talk to any of my family and friends about this because everyone is so into their own lives and I dont want to put my business out there. But I feel so miserable. We both currently do not work, and I am stuck at home with him all the time. It is draining. We moved to a different country together and it has been 2 months and my life is already difficult. I feel like I dont know what to do anymore.

From what you don't it doesn't sound as helpless as you may think. It all depends on if he is willing to go to marriage counseling with you. When you think of it , in school, college, we are not taught how to manuever successfully in a relationship. We are never taught so we lack the tools to talk things out and come to a compromise if not eliminating the problem completely. Some people revert to the only things they know how to do, when unhappy, going back to what they did as a child which can including yelling at a parent or sibling trying to drown them out, and throwing tantrums and such. Not all people do that. But just like you, at first I tried to reason with my first husband, stand up for myself, and what little he did hear from me when he let me, was like throwing fuel on a fire, just made him more irate,blazing angry. Since he won't let you talk most the times, I suggest writing him a note and asking him to go to marriage counseling so that both of you could gain the skills on how to have more success in the relationship. You might add in that you want to learn also how to handle things better, although it sounds like you already do better than him, but it helps when someone doesn't feel like they're not in it alone, like they're not the only problem causer. A more peaceful way I confront anyone, even if I have to make up a story about myself, but I usually have read of or know someone who has experienced such issues and draw on that for examples using 'lots of people have these problems, for example ...'

In my first marriage, it took hearing this suggestion from a friend who was a retired counselor and could already spot the issues in my husband and brought it up to me, about him getting the counseling, as in his case, it was the husband himself who had the issues even treating others sometimes almost as bad as me. My husband agreed to go but once I had gone with him initially to choose someone we both liked, he pretended he was going just to fool me because in his words, there was nothing wrong with me, just me. I overheard him telling a friend he was doing just that. That was what ended it for me and I left him. So I tell you all that so you may know that it won't be easy but he has at least agreed that there is a problem where my ex did not. And if there are any issues getting him to agree to counseling, have someone else suggest it to him, gotta let pride go here. When I first realized I had to move out and get away from my ex, I began to ask at work, a 200 employee company where I knew at least a third of the people and I asked if any had a room or even a basement area I could fix up and rent and explained my situation. I was thinking I was probably the only one or maybe one other but I lost count after around a dozen women told me they had once been in my position but did not have a room but wished they did and wished me luck. When we can set pride down, more often than not, we find others already noticed the problems, family and friends but they had been rebuked and told to mind their own business when confronting him. If people can't physically help you, it is a wonderful thing to mentally know others are rooting for you and happy when things begin to resolve. My own daughters told me how much better and happier I looked after leaving their dad. I am not suggesting leaving as your first choice, but your last, if nothing else works. At least you will be at peace knowing you did everything to fix the situation if you end up having to leave.

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Hi!
I have been on Advicenators for as long as I can remember- and you have been one of the very few people that I view their page and I even made a new account just to be able to write you because I lost my previous email and password and wanted to come on here and ask for your advice because I do appreciate it so much. You have helped me out before in the past and it has been a long time since I used Advicenators. So i figured, I will go back on it and contact you for some advice and see if you could help me. I don't really talk to my friends anymore and my I do not like to go to my family and talk to them about my issues so talking to someone knowledgeable and that will never be biased is always good for me. I really hope that you can view my issue with no judgement, although I am a little worried that you might not understand how my outlook on life and religious views may be, I am hoping you can look at this through a different lens.
I will just get right into it!

I am 29 years old. I am newly married. I got married around 11 months ago and next month it will be one whole year. I married the love of my life, the man of my dreams, someone who I believe is a great person and is the right choice for me. We are both happy, we get along well, there is mutual respect (For the most part)
He is 30 years old. I am half American and a Muslim women. He is also Muslim but is from the middle east.

We've known each other for such a long time, and we actually got married in the middle east because we were both living there for a long time. He understands me and I understand him and we are both in love and committed. However, just like any other married couple, we do have our own problems.

My upbringing is a little different than his, we both grew up in the same country, but both our families were different. His family is a little more open and my family is a little more conservative. In every way possible.

As Muslims, alcohol is not permitted and it is not something that we engage in so often. However, he When he was growing up, he had a different lifestyle. He had friends who would enjoy the occasional drink. He also enjoys the occasional drink when we go to weddings, when we sometimes go out with our friends to a bar or pub. Now, I am not for or against alcohol, but my issue with his lifestlye was that it was very different from mine. He knows that in our country, going to bars and pubs is not the "norm" nor is it encouraged. It is not how people live their day to day lives like here in America. It is not common, it is not "the norm" I am just trying to make you understand how different it is in another country. So while we were growing up, its not like he had alcohol in his mothers house while he was living with her. No, she knew he would drink but it was not allowed at home- and it is not something she encourages. When we first starting dating, I realized that he enjoyed alcohol occasionally, and my only issue with that was that I don't want that to be apart of our lives (in the sense where it becomes the NORM and one day he tells our children, who I want to raise in the best way possible, that it is okay to occasionally drink.) Before getting married, this was an issue we had because religiously he also knows that it is not okay to drink, even if it is occasionally. His family really loves me and tried to convince me that this is something that he enjoys doing from time to time (weddings, travel, etc) and that it is only an OCCASIONAL thing. He also tried to make me understand that he is a little different than his siblings and that he is more open in the sense that drinking alcohol occasionally is somethin he enjoys.

At first, It was hard to swallow, marrying someone so different. But because I loved him, I decided to respect who he was, and that just because he is different than me doesn't mean it can't work out. He knows being around alcohol so much makes me uncomfortable, he knows its against my religious views, he knows that I don't want our kids to find that to be the norm in our marriage, and he married me regardless, and I married him regardless because I figure that it can really work out if we learn to respect each others opinions and stick to a lifestlye that makes us both comfortable. And so I did. I accepted to be with him despite his occasional drinking, I learned to love him for who he was. If there was a wedding and he drank, I would never say a thing. If we went on vacation and he drank, a lot, I would never say anything.
Knowing that he does not drink on a regular basis made me feel at ease because I felt like he had it under control- and it was in a way that he wasn't obsessed with it or anything. (Except for the fact that he Binge drinks SOMETIMES when he is upset or to wind down, which sometimes makes me question it and worries me) however, I accepted him for who he was regardless of our difference of opinions and principles and religious views. He also believes it is wrong, and he knows that it is not something to be proud of and he has admitted it before (but he holds on to the idea that "life is about balance, and as long as I do good then God will forgive my sins and he excuses himself for it. Which is FINE, to each his own. We agreed before getting married that if this is something he would like to do, I have no problem with occasionally being a part of it with him (if he ever goes to a pub, ill be with him cause he is my husband and I want him to enjoy his time- EVEN if deep down it makes me feel uncomfortable. Despite him always making me feel like I am the weird one who does not know how to "have fun" and he makes it seem like I am so SAINT that does not do any sins, which is NOT the case- I have my own sins and I am NOWHERE near perfect. But he always teases me and says that im a "goodie two shoes" and that really bothers me, cause then I FEEL JUDGED and feel like he makes it seem like im this judgmental person for not enjoying the same things that he does.


Moving on, we both moved to America, and we are trying to adjust to this new lifestlye of everything. We love being here, we have no family here, just each other. I was originally born and rasied here, but its been a while since I have been back and I am living in a new state.

Alcohol is a lot more common here than back in our home country, yes it was accessible, but not like this. We are facing some issues now. I believe he is really immature- emotionally immature. This has been shown to me in several ways. When we go out for grocery shopping, I find him going to the alcohol section and he tries to get me to look at it with him, and talks to me about it so normally as if this was the NORM for us- he doesn't even have respect that this is something that I do not like, something we have gotten into horrible fights about, something that I literally do not even want to normalize in our lives. He tells me that I am his WIFE and that he should be able to talk to me about ANYTHING- but what about me? He is my husband, he should ALSO be making me feel comfortable especially that we have gotten into disagreements about this and about if us coming here to America would change the way we live (having alcohol at home, etc)
He knows that I totally refuse that, and he has made it clear that he will not be doing it at home- only occasionally in his car outside if he wants to (which is something that he gave me a very very hard time about!!)
To me, that is something that was a deal breaker for me, I told him that I do not accept that in our house and that EVEN HE does not come from a world where it is OKAY- So why NOW? because we are in a new country? we will normalize alcohol and normalize that kind of lifestlye? After many disagreements, he told me that I was right and that he wont have it at home. But once we got here, and he started having a hard time finding a job, the first thing he did was go to the supermarket while we were grocery shopping and buys it. And when I told him, why are you drinking? its not an occasion? were not on vacation? were not at a wedding, he told me to mind my own business and that he Makes his own occasions. He told me to stop trying to control him. I told him I am not trying to control him at all. I never told him NOT to do it. But that I was misinformed by him and his family when they both tell me that he only drinks on occasions or when he is having a good time. So, what am I to think now?
He always tells me to mind my own business and that he can do whatever he wants, cause he's the man.

The last time we got into an argument about it, I told him I swear to God baby im not trying to control you, I just don't want this to be our lifestyle just cause we moved here, since when do you start drinking every weekend? He told me " I can do whatever I want, its non of your business" and I said fine, you should have told me the truth then, earlier, before we got married- so that I understand what to expect from you. Not feed me lies about you being an occasional drinker, when this is something that you do whenever you get the chance or feel like it. You lied to me. He told me to leave him alone about it. So i told him, I will not even have any business about it, but all I ask of you is that if you ever want to get alcohol, please go on your own time and go get it without me being there, if this is something that you will do without it being an occasion, I don't want any part of it and that makes me uncomfortable. He said okay, and we moved on.

Yesterday, we went to the store together, and he brought up alcohol for no reason at all, saying that if he wants to get it, he will. I told him why are you even bringing that up right now? Plus, you wouldn't do that (and I laughed, i tried to turn it into a joke) I said, you know I dont like that, so why are you joking about that? He said, im not joking, im serious, you can never tell me what to do, and If i wanna go get it, i wil.

I said, why are you trying to make problems for? why is this even a thing? I don't even BOTHER you about it, I dont even mention it, its as if im not allowed to say the word ALCOHOL around you. Why are you so obsessed with this idea? he said cause your trying to control me, and I wont let you ever control me. Im the man here, and you can't tell me what to do.

THIS WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY WHILE WE WERE GOING TO A SUPERMARKET RUN... he left me like this "!!!?!?!?!?!" WHAT is his problem?
what the hell is going on?
WHY are we even fighting about this?
What is happening?!
(Sorry, I am really just so FRUSTURATED)
Now literally, we go all day without talking. Walk past each other like the other doesn't exist, FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

I am so tired of being with someone so immature, so UNWILLING to compromise. This is not my lifestlye, this is not what I want in my life. He knew who he married, he knew who I was, WHY AM I NOT BEING ACCEPTED? Why do I feel like i am the one making the compromises??? I go with him to pubs, and bars, and I am with him when he drinks because I love him, and because Im okay with being around it as long as Im not feel compromised, and during those moments, I truly don't feel like I am compromising who I am, because we are somewhere that he can relax and be himself, and I can enjoy my time with him ( EVEN IF I AM HAVING A REDBULL)
WHY is it that I feel like I am compromising being in areas that I do not like because he is my husband and I want to be with him but he is incapable of compromising for me and making me comfortable in our day to day life?
He told me I am a hypocrite because I am okay with going with him to these places but not okay with us getting it from the supermaket LOL
I said, actually, im not okay with going to pubs but I love to enjoy my time with you, even if I don't like the environment and I have no problem doing that, why are you unable to compromise?
I feel like he is so selfish! So immature! SO SPOILED! His mom made him feel like he was the king of the world and just because he is the oldest son, he was always the one that got away with everything, anything and everything he wanted was OKAY and acceptable, and YOUR THE MAN.

I WANT TO TELL HIM, YOU ARE MARRIED NOW!!! YOU DON'T LIVE WITH YOUR MOM ANYMORE, LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

I am so frustrated, I have NO ONE to talk to about this. I feel like my marriage is failing. Did I marry the wrong person for me??!

I am so clueless. What drives me INSANE is that everything else between us is perfect and fine. There are no problems. We are okay, we get along. We laugh a lot, we are romantic. BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS IS RUINING MY LIFE.

Please give me your advice and tell me what It is that I need to do. I really need your help.

I am so sorry this is long.
Thank you so much in advance! :)



It is good that you wrote much to give details. It does help another to understand.
Sometimes when a couple marries, what happens later is that one changes their views on something and now the two are not as equally yoked. I understand that part since I have changed some of my religious views in Christianity so they now differ from that of my husband. However, even though he believes I am misguided, he also believes that ones beliefs are something they need to work out on their own and it is not his business to tell me what to believe. Likewise, I say nothing to him either. The one thing we do is treat each other well, without him exerting his dominance as a maie over me, and my being as supportive as I can. I might add this is my 2nd husband. If you have read my posts, then you likely know the whole story already. So as far as your husband having changed in how and when he imbibes in alcohol, I understand the change, however it is a very dangerous one. I feel like he is on a path that could lead to much worse with
other bad traits/sins that could affect you and any children. I must mention one in particular since you live in the U.S. and there is protection for women and children regarding this. It is physical abuse. Drinking can lead to that, not that it will, but it could. If you ever find yourself being beaten, there are women's shelters you can contact. There are National Womens shelter networks online that can put you in touch with help closest to you. Here is one of those numbers: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

The internet is a wonderful tool. I have looked up some of the Qur'an beliefs. This is where I wish to address what your husband said "life is about balance, and as long as I do good then God will forgive my sins and he excuses himself for it. "Which is FINE, to each his own.

However, Iblis refused to follow angels and prostrate before Adam, claiming that he was better than him because he was made of fire and Adam of clay.At this point, Iblis became Satan, which means “rebel” and “arrogant”. He exercised his freedom and chose to be satan(ic). He was not created evil – indeed nothing is - but chose to be so.
Iblis was proud and self-centered. He rebelled against Allah and became of nonbelievers. He became the chief of all the Jinn that were like-minded with him.
Whoever follows Iblis in his arrogance, rebellion and wickedness is also called a satan. That is the case both among the Jinn and people (al-An’am, 112).

Although there are some views that don't line up with what I have seen, such as Jinn involved when what I have seen written is that Satan/the devil was an Angel, but a fallen angels and yes a leader of all the angels that fell along with him. Yes, there was a big disagreement that does include God stating that not just Adam but what Adam presents, the humans, are higher in importance to God than the angels so there was a fight in Heaven due to "Iblis/or Lucifer as he was called before the fall" becoming jealous and choosing not to agree to humans being higher on the chain of importance than him and his kind, even though still created by the same God who created all. Even with our differences in beliefs, there is still a truth that is the same.

Whoever follows Iblis in his arrogance, rebellion and wickedness is also called a satan. Where you call such a person a satan, I see in my book, the Bible; as a sinner. Sinner simply means separated or apart from God. So many believe they can balance things out with being good, where even some Christians may believe that but I do not, not from what the Bible has to say on the subject. But it isn't my place to convert you to another belief. Each of us must come to that choice on our own whether to believe and what to believe.
I could suggest that both of you go to marriage counseling when you find someone who is respectful of what you believe. Although if like Iblis, your husband is being arrogant and choosing to go against the beliefs regarding alcohol, then he is in a very dangerous spot. He may not be open to seeing a counselor as my first husband wasn't. He thought to fool me that he was going for sessions since this was not couples counseling but he did not and I heard him admit it. Your husband may think he is in the right and can drink all he wants. Drinking when upset, anxious and so on, only temporarily masks our troubles from us. Then once sober again, our troubles are still there. People tend to think that if they drink more in volume that maybe then their issues will become better. I am sure you realize by now, that is not the case, as it has not helped him find a job and it is causing tension in your marriage.You may feel that your love for your husband can help in your marriage. Yes, it can up to a point. But as I experienced, same as a womens article I read, our hearts are like a bank savings account. If a spouse keeps doing loving things, thats like putting deposits into your savings account of love. This may all sound silly, but if nothing changes, you will one day find yourself in the same place. So when the spouse becomes selfish, acting immature and ignores their partner, refusing to put in deposits but still expecting to take out chunks of love when they want to feel loved or what their partner do loving things with them, one day, it will run out. My ex husband was not putting in any love deposits after some time married, so eventually there was no love to draw on and I found myself feeling no romantic love for him at all. I did feel sorry for him, had the kind of feelings I might for a friend, but not a spouse. So when his counselor asked me if I felt there was hope for my marriage, I found myself truthfully answering that there wasn't. To this day, there is no longer romantic love but there is with my new husband. The old one I treat as a friend when the few family occasions arise where we are in the same place. If your husband will not go for counseling for himself, maybe he would be open to Alcoholics Anonymous. He likely won't accept the information from you so if you can contact a chapter near you and see if any man there would be willing to befriend and talk to him about it, or invite him, perhaps there is a chance. All you can do is to pray for him. Pray to your God, Allah or whomever God you feel can change your situation. If nothing changes, then I challenge you to humor me, and say a short prayer to the Jesus, the Christians believe in. You can be so direct as to tell him to reveal himself and prove that he is really more than just a major prophet in your beliefs. It is said that He is the only way by which man can enter heaven, which is where you may have heard people saying, Jesus saves our souls. If you are desperate enough and honestly seeking to hear from him, then he will answer. I had a racing heartbeat develope. Drs. gave me the only 2 prescriptions meds that exist to help with this. I found I was allergic to them, with throat slowly closing up after I took the medication. Since there was nothing else I could do, to fix my situation I prayed asking Jesus to please heal me of this rapid heartbeat. One day soon, it came time to take my blood pressure which also shows heartbeat and mine was normal. It has consistently been normal since I prayed. I believe that God wants to do things for us, not want to see us trying to fix our problems on our own. So, as a parent wants to bend over backward to help our own children with whatever they need help with, how much more so, God? If who you pray to answers prayer and your husband stops alcohol, goes to counseling or AA, great. If not, pray to Jesus and see what happens there. He is concerned about any and all human problems we face. He though is also concerned, I believe, about our spiritual health and where we stand there, with doing good only, or adding a gift he has to give that no other God has done for us.
I hope I have helped you in some little way. I will be praying for you dear.







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I've been married what would have been 18 years but he pushed me to the side for his computer, his cell phone and his job. We have 3 amazing kids together but I didn't wanna be alone anymore.

Now I'm seeing someone I've been with over 4 years and we both had good jobs, but we were being treated unfairly and being overlooked for any type of promotions. Anyways, I feel like all I do is cook, clean, work my 40 hours and try to be with my kids as much as I can. But now he makes me feel like a piece of trash. Now he's claiming I'm making him feel like he's walking on egg shells, when I'm tired of being treated like I'm not good enough for any man. I'm close to just leaving him and hanging it all up. I don't know, any advice would help me so very much.

I had a difficult first marriage that ended after 29 yrs, almost 30. So having been in a similar situation, the first thing I think of is whether you still love him or the love has long since dried up. What I am getting at is a allegory I once heard that love is like a savings account. You Have to keep that account open by continually putting deposits in it, or deposits of love into you. If a person keeps trying to withdraw love, or loving ways from you, without ever putting anything in, that savings account of love just dries up, and the one trying to remove love so they feel better and don't feel like they walk on eggshells around you, finds there is nothing that will change how they feel because they overlook the fact that they put nothing into the relationship,or savings account if sticking with the analogy. You deserve to be in a relationship where there is unconditional love flowing both ways, not because a person is giving to get something but giving out of love not expecting in return and when both partners have that attitude, both are fulfilled. I have that kind of man now in 2nd husband, 15 years now. So instead of staying and pretending while you seek love elsewhere, find what will be best for you and also healthy for your kids. Mine witnessed a Dad while growing up who verbally abused me and made unreal demands and didn't show love, it messed up two of my 3 kids as far as marriage is concerned. Your children will look as they do in other things for role models in parents. If they see what you are mentioning without seeing someone who treats you right, that will be all they know, no matter their age. My kids complained about the divorce but once they saw me after and how much more full of life and at peace I was, they were glad I had made that move.

I did try getting him into counseling, and we went together to a therapist who saw I wasn't the problem but husband was. He discovered the issue in his past that started that behavior in the 2nd visit, at which time appointments were set for him. I overheard him tell a friend on the phone that he wasn't going to them cus there was nothing wrong with him and he had me totally fooled. That was when I gave up since he wasn't willing to get better, and I packed up and left to go stay with a friend, and from there to other friends and finally a sister. After a year, I came back and he was finally ready to agree to a divorce. My kids were young adults by now. If yours aren't there will be the court battle of working out visiting with DAD If they live with you and eventually gain a stepdad who loves them as well as loving their mother.

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I’ve been with my boyfriend almost 3 years. He just turned 38 and I am 32. He knows I want a partner and a family. We had fun traveling quite a bit because we are both adventurous and he has not had a stable place (rent or own) for like 4 years now. Since before we were together he’s been a nomad.

I left my place 2 years ago because my work contract was ending and we’ve been “nomadic” ever since going to different places. I work remote too right now. But I want to settle down, I’m not asking him for marriage even just yet but I want to be in one place with him. He says we can’t get married until we’ve lived together, which makes some sense.

But he’s not willing to move in together because he says that I don’t make enough money, and that his salary cannot support both of us. Now he makes a lot of money by my standards. I know life is expensive. But to put it in context he makes enough money to where he can live out of hotels and go skiing and buy whatever he wants so money is not an issue for him but according to him, it’s not enough for two people to live in an apartment. It’s only enough to sustain one lifestyle.

Although I don’t make nearly as close to what he does, I still do make my own money and I would be willing to contribute what I can to things so I don’t see why money is the issue here. But he continues to say that I need to get a higher paying salary for us to be able to realistically afford life together .

Instead of being with me and moving forward to settle down or find a job he is now skiing and going off and doing other activities which I used to join him in, but lately I haven’t joined him because I’m trying to move on with life and and settle down and find a job that pays more , you can’t do that if you’re off adventuring and traveling but he continues to do so and he claims its for his mental health.

I’m at the point where I’m starting to doubt everything that he says even though he says he wants to settle down none of his actions show it. He’s off skiing right now for example, for two months while I’m staying with my parents and trying to look for a better job. It’s gotten kind of ridiculous to the point where I cannot explain his actions to anyone, they just don’t make sense.

But he works so hard to convince me that his thinking is logical even going in so far to say that I’m unrealistic with how expensive life is and I don’t realize it takes much more than what I make to survive. To give you an idea, I make much more than minimum wage and people survive on minimum wage, it’s not ideal, but it can be done. And he makes over 6 figures so it’s just a little ridiculous of an excuse to me.

Is this relationship over and he just doesn’t have the guts to tell me? Should I just end it? I really don’t know what to do. He says he wants to be with me, he says he wants to move on with life and settle down. He says he loves me. He doesn’t want us to give up trying to be together. I don’t get it!!

I realize you said both of you are now nomadic but it sounds like he was that way before you met and that you only joined in as a way to try to fit into his lifestyle and be with him. If I understand correctly, this nomadic style of his is made up of hotels, motels, probably hostels and such. If this is so, you are lacking a place of your own while still being nomadic. If this is something you truly want to do, and marry and have children, it can be done. Of course you'd be stuck being in one continent where you can travel by whatever large vehicle outfitted to be a home on wheels. I have been drawn to this sort of life, but it takes a little more than our current situation would allow, although we still hope it will someday happen. I have read of couples married and having a bus that they purchased and re-outfitted to be a home with bunk beds for kids. Due to the traveling, the kids are home schooled so you'd have to be willing to do so. If the boyfriend were presented with this idea and you were willing, I wonder if with all obstacles out of the way, he would still be willing to marry you. Or is he just spouting a list of things he thinks will make plausible excuses to keep from making that commitment. Decide what you can live with, present it to him, and if its not good enough for him, then I'd have to say, it's likely a dead end relationship. He may not be strong enough to pull out, even if not happy with what you propose. So if he doesn't, then yes, you will have to. Sorry to hear about all that. If interested in reading and watching videos of what people have done to live a nomadic lifestyle, even in in vans, then look up "Cheap RV Living" started by Bob Wells who is now considered the grandfather of nomadic living in homes on wheels.

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Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year now. He knows I have diagnosed anxiety and I struggle to do things out of my comfort zone. Lately he's been hard pushing me to get over my fears, and while I know he's trying to help, he's doing it in a way that is starting to really upset me. I'm pretty uncomfortable around his parents and he likes to push me to interact with them more. I don't mind that, but he wants me to be alone with them. Today right before he left for work he told me to do and help his mom with her cookbook. I asked if she knew I was coming and he said no, to just knock on her houses front door and ask to help. When I said that makes me uncomfortable he just told me he'll be very disappointed in me if I didn't go and left. He also really wants me to get over my fear of death and corpses. He works to transport corpses from location of death to the funeral home. He keeps pushing me to come with him, riding in his van with a dead body in the back. I'm extremely uncomfortable and fearful of this but he keeps pushing it even after I said no. I know he wants to help, but I'd rather slowly work towards these things instead of him throwing me out into the water. I just don't know how to articulate this to him without sounding like I ding appreciate his efforts or I don't want to be around his family.

Its been so long since I had people anxiety, long before it was called anxiety, that I am not sure I can remember it all. I was called shy, but I know now it was anxiety. Today, I have no fear of other people and what they may think of me, of making the first move to start conversation, etc. But I can tell you one thing I know for sure, being forced to work at overcoming it in a certain timeline, with the pressure of someone being disappointed in me. Not wanting to make it sound like I am using this to share about God but I am only telling my story and He is involved. I prayed to Him about my problem and actually got an answer. I was graduating HS at the time and knew my anxiety would be a problem in adulthood. I wasn't told the whole answer, just one step at a time and I was given all the time in the world to successfully complete one simple step that was not a big stretch for me. Like the first step was for me to smile briefly at a stranger as I passed them while walking. And I was literally terrified of doing that, but I personally wanted to get better so I worked at it and when ready, prayed again for the info on the second step and so forth. It sounds like the boyfriend has no clue what to do that will really help. It could make things get worse for you. Years later, I found a book in the library written by a psychologist turned author and was shocked to read about social anxiety and the remedy he wrote, was everything that I heard from God in prayer. I guess God really does know us well. Whats great, is that it isn't a race to get anywhere or to be better or what society considers perfect. Other than suggesting you check out author and psychologist David D. Burns who was at the forefront of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in psychology. He has a website called feeling good. https://feelinggood.com Hope this helps a bit.

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I am a 34 year old female and I have been in a loving relationship with my good hearted boyfriend of 7 years and we intend to marry too. However, last year I met a guy when I was having some problems with my boyfriend who lived in a different city. I met this new guy 3-4 times and ended up talking a lot. We had many similarities and I think we sort of had a good and caring friendship and we resonated. We also shared a lot of secrets about our lives. However, I started having some intense feelings for him which I also told my boyfriend. There was clearly and mental and physical attraction between me and this new guy. On the 4th day of our meeting, he suddenly kissed me. I kissed him back and this continued for almost 30 mins where we were kissing each other on the lips as if we could not get enough of each other. We also hugged a lot, looked into each other's eyes and smiled in between the kisses. We caressed each other's body and we were very gentle with each other. It was the best kiss of my life and it was so wonderful. I never felt like this in my life or enjoyed kissing like that. But after that, I felt guilty, so I told my boyfriend which pained him. I also told this new guy that we will not keep in touch again. I met my bf and we worked on our relationship. I felt terribly guilty at one point and very sad because clearly I had developed intense feelings for this new guy. Time passed, my boyfriend forgave me long ago and we are again happy with each other. But till this day, I cannot forgive myself for enjoying the kiss. I still dont know what happened during those two months and I want to wipe out those two months, although I do agree those 30 mins were the most fulfilling kissing moments of my life. I love my boyfriend a lot. He tells me, you have to forgive yourself, since I have forgiven you long ago. But how to forgive myself? Its like a black mark on my life as otherwise I have always been a very loyal and devoted girlfriend to all of my ex-bfs and also present bf.

If he says he has forgiven you, then simply accept the free gift of his forgiveness. This is not like a Christmas gift exchange where each person gives the other something.
This reminds me alot of forgiveness on the Christian side of things. Not preaching, just making a comparison. We are told in Bible that Jesus death on the cross was to pay for our sins. We may be really good people otherwise, as you said you are usually a loyal devoted gf. But the human standards of good do not measure up to what heavenly standards are. Big sin, little sin, like white lies, are all counted the same. Maybe in some way, that is why it's eating at you. But Jesus says its a free gift, that all we have to do is to accept it. We are forgiven for what He counts as sin and all we have to do is ask for it and then accept it. In your case with the boyfriend, you know you are forgiven but you can not accept that gift of acceptance from him. Does this mean you don't want to be forgiven? Do you feel he or someone else should treat you to same way so that it feels more equal? What would it take for you to simply accept the forgiveness and move on? Have you ever asked yourself that. You are feeling what many feel when they decide to follow Jesus but still can't forgive them selves for their past, whether it was drinking, gambling, drug use, killing, stealing, etc....
This black mark on your life is one you are putting there. Since you were forgiven, there is no black mark on your relationship with the boyfriend. As to any relationship and your standing with Jesus, thats the only other place in your life that you could have valid feelings of guilt. When a Child does wrong and tells their parent they are sorry, the parent loves them, teaches them how to do better next time and then totally drops memory of their wrongdoing and moves on with their child, treating them well, loving them and the relationship is good. What if a child felt bad about something they did and daily told their parents they were sorry for the rest of their life because they could not get over something they did long ago when they were a child and didn't know any better. Life is school life long. We will always be learning something. We will always make mistakes but that is how we learn. As long as we do not repeat our mistakes, then we have learned and made the right choice. As long as we ask forgiveness, make things right with the damaged party and then forgive ourselves. As for enjoying something in your past, yes those memories will always be with you. I have done some things I would never do again but I did enjoy while engaging in. However, when such a memory comes up, instead of dwelling on it, I immediately tell myself that I am no longer that person, that's not what I would do or ingage in today, that I am changed, have learned and I in my case, have asked for Gods forgiveness and received it. If you're not feeling it, the only place its coming from is your own mind. Your mind is the one fighting you so treat your mind like talking to another person who is always trying to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Tell it off, state what is fact, that you have learned from it and you are forgiven so you no longer have to feel guilty about having enjoyed the other little fling. It happened, it's over, you move on.

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Me and my boyfriend got together last spring, but we've known each other for about 5 years now. At first, it was amazing, but shortly after getting together, he got a second job. How he's working his regular full time job Monday thru Friday, then he's on call for his second job from Friday at 6 to Sunday at 4. And that's just when he's on call. If he gets a call at 3:45, he still has to go and often spends about 3 hours per call. This has led to a complete stagnation with plans and dates. We can't go out anymore because things will be closed by the time we drive to them and can't plan anything ahead of time because he might get a last minute call. I've noticed I've grown resentful of the fact it feels like we can't do any outings anymore. I see photos and videos of dates my friends go on to parks or museums and the beach and I just get so jealous and sad. I truly love him, but I don't know how I can talk to him about this without sounding selfish.

I know this is old and thought someone else had answered but it doesn't seem that is the case. So better late than never. THe first problem is your not mentioning to him how this makes you feel. Guys don't tend to pick up on subtle clues easily and need to be told. When telling, no beating around the bush, just make it clear. Another thing you may want him to consider is asking what would happen if he were hospitalized for emergency surgery, you know, like appendix or injured in a car accident....and who would pick up the slack then. There could be two things going on in his mind, either that they would fire him if he said he could not come in or that he is a work a holic, which is what I battle with my husband but in my case he does find time for me, he is over working his body at his age and I fear it will end up crippling him, wheelchair bound or worse, death.

If yours in doing so because he is a work a holic, you can talk til you're blue in the face and it will not change a thing depending on how self driven he is to work. I have this with a husband and I have divorced once, don't want to do it again so I put up with it. If you find that after talking with him, nothing improves, then you have decisions to make. You are not married and can easily physically at least, move out of the relationship, it isn't so easy on the heart. We tend to be on the poor side and don't go out anywhere hardly ever, only when we volunteer at a church community dinner program weekly. But the time I have at home with him is good and he treats me good too. If you need more getting out to go places, find a single girlfriend and start doing these things with her. If it doesn't matter who is your companion for getting out and doing things, then this solves your issue. If it has to be him, possibly negotiate for one plan a month that he can not drop if he is called on weekend. If he can't see himself doing that, it would seem his part time job on weekends is the problem and he needs to find something else to replace it. That should be fairly easy as so many have taken to starting their own business since the pandemic and employers are having trouble filling positions. All I have said to you, needs to be communicated in some way to him. Perhaps he has no idea what else to try and your talking about it will give him some direction to take or things to try.

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So, I do not have the best of luck with men and I think it is because I need to do a lot of mental healing. With that being said, I have these unhealthy crushes on guys for years and nothing ever happens. I also have this really unhealthy cycle where if I like a guy they won't like me back or if a guy likes me I do not like them back. Honestly, I think it is a curse and I think I am destined not to have anyone in my 30's. Moving forward, I've had an unhealthy obsession with a guy that I have liked for years. I have terrible social anxiety and have never spoken to him much before...I have met this guy through a mutual interest and think he is the weirdest guy ever. During events, I used to catch eyes with him all the time and he would purposely be around me. There were times I felt like he would purposely try to get my attention but not talk to me face to face. I'm not sure if he was doing that deliberately because he knows I liked him or because he's just a weird person... There are times I think he is nervous around me.
Next...
It wasn't until about a year or so ago where he took over an organization. I used to try to get a hold of him through messenger or email, than he would ignore all my messages. Nevertheless, I was upset when he didn't reply to my messages about things about the organization. I then, messaged a friend about him not helping me out,then he helped me out and if it wouldn't be friends for my friends help today, he would have never contacted me back.
I'm really confused by his lack of maturity and now he's more responsive with my messages. He still ignores me in public... does he not like me? What is his deal? He even tries to flirt with me and used to be wherever I was in public.
I need closure and wish I wouldn't like this guy anymore...
Why does he avoid me? He does not even pursue me...

There's a lot that needs to happen for you before you can worry about how to go about finding a healthy relationship which I also have a document i can send with instructions but we need to first focus on your getting over the extreme social anxiety. I have been there and got scared my last year in High school knowing I wasn't ready for navigating the adult world while having such anxiety in talking to people. My social anxiety meant that I not only couldn't start conversations or even talk long conversations with anyone but I hated the feeling that people were staring at me and my wondering what they were thinking. Any blunder I made, I was sure people would laugh at me, even if in secret. I couldn't get up to sharpen a pencil because it meant other kids might stop to look at what I was doing and I hated the idea of any eyes on me. Today I am very outgoing, have no problem starting conversations, even with strangers, am comfortable talking to the opposite sex, and absolutely love to make people laugh so I enjoy and feel comfortable if eyes are on me. I am pasting in a document on how I overcame this social anxiety.

My Dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 16/17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got.(P.S. I have since read about the answers I got, in a book by a Psychologist who talked about how to get over social anxiety and it was the same stuff I felt I heard from God.) It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there. For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they don't even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick out a ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people. This process didn't take all that long. Since I wasn't pressured to master any level quickly, I went my own pace and as I saw how easy it was and how no bad things happened, that spurred me to work on getting to the next level, even though each new level scared me at the start but by the end, I was comfortable. Let me know when you have mastered this and I will talk to you about how to find Mr. Right. This should
help you.

To write me back later, check the grey-blue section at the left and find and click on 'search advice columnists' and once there, look for me under dragonfly magic. Open my column and then write to me from there. Blessings to you dear.

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23 f
Ok so before I start let me just say I am writing this as I think about it so it may be a little all over. So in March I got this message on a language app from this guy. But really I was receiving a lot of messages so I would reply really late etc. But his messages stood out because he was actually trying to teach me about his culture and about the language I am learning. So one day I said that we should make a call since then we can actually have a conversation. We did eventually talk on the phone and eventually by a video call. It was not boring and soon enough we talked everyday for months. Literally every day. Obviously then I started to have a crush on him and I told him. He admitted that he does have a crush on me since the first video call. We just continued talking but then I realized that he was actually falling for me even more than I had for him. He would always try to get to know me (still does ) and when he spoke of the future he would include me subtly or without thinking. It wasn’t like he was flirting but I could tell he thought about it and honestly saw these things happening. Fast forward to a few weeks ago we were talking on the phone and well I brought up the fact that we spoke way too much especially since we aren’t dating and cannot date because of several reasons. I’ll discuss the reason in a bit. He told me that he agreed and was also thinking the same thing because he was talking to his friend about things like getting married and stuff and in that moment he realized that during the conversation he was thinking about me and that we should try to meet and figure out how we can be together given the distance. So his concern was really the distance but mine is the difference in religious beliefs and way of life. No I will not go against what I believe for him because it won’t make sense. I have seen a proof that it doesn’t work and he also agreed that my reasons are valid. So we discussed every other possibility and he agreed to try to see if he can conform to my beliefs if it is something he wants since he doesn’t know about it. However, I just don’t feel like this is going to happen and I feel terrible. During our talk he was sincere and said everything I would have dreamt but then this is just words. I am not going to force him to do anything especially something so big but if he doesn’t us talking don’t make sense because I can’t be just his friend. I had plans before meeting to travel to his country and I have cancelled them. Instead I am living in another country that is between my original county and his . So distance is the issue. Again he does agree that is being together with the different beliefs is not something that helps either of us. But then I feel like he wants to settle down with me because he kept saying that the goals that I have and the way I think is how he views thing now that he is 33 and that he wasted his youth. So I feel like I was just the girl that happen to stumble upon him and nothing else. But then he keeps thinking he is being selfish but he is not sure. I don’t know if this part is sincere or not .
My question is then if I wait to see he keeps his word and tries to learn bout my beliefs when is a good time to walk away if he seems to be stringing me along waiting for me to change my mind ?

He can say or promise anything over the pc or over the phone but the problem with long distance relationships are: you can't know if the other person is really telling the truth, embellishing on anything they share, have changed faiths or are pretending on line until they falsely convince you, or whether there is even the kind of chemistry needed for friendship and marriage if it comes to that. I understand what you are saying. After a divorce, I talked with a long distance guy daily over months. He was separated, so we met in person and yes there was chemistry. Sadly, we had to part when his wife wanted to get back with him and he also wanted to more for her sake than his. I have also thought I had chemistry with a guy, on the phone, talking and seemed to have much in common. But when we finally met in person, there was no chemistry for me. Another time a guy walked in to the restaurant we were to eat at, I was waiting in front. The moment our eyes met, we both knew there was no chemistry as he immediately said, 'this isn't going to work out, is it?' If you can't meet someone in person, then it is better to not try something with an LDR. Besides, if this guy is such a catch, why isn't he able to find a local girl. Could there be something immediately obvious that girls won't date him once they meet in person? Yes, there may be nothing wrong but chances are high that any flaws of his are easier to hide long distance. Also, for some, changing of faith doesn't apply or mean anything because they may not have ever been deep in their own faith. If one was, it would be hard to change. If someone were to want me to change from being a Christian, I wouldn't do it. If he said he'd become a Christian then, that's just words, not action. You can't see what he is doing, whether he really has a personal relationship with Jesus, is praying daily, taking time to talk to God, read the bible, that sort of stuff. You just can't know. When I finally found the guy I thought was a pretty good deal after my divorce, he said things about himself, like character traits and such which I began to look for when I saw him often, I had to see for myself, those traits, beliefs in action to know he was telling the truth. That is why I am with him today.

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My husband is very upset about our neighbor directly behind us. This neighbor’s yard is a complete mess – piles of sticks, logs, multiple compost piles, and lots of very overgrown plants. I agree that this is totally out of line (as do our friends/relatives that have come over and seen it), but I am also able to make my peace with it and concentrate on other issues in my life that I have more control over. This is a huge issue for my husband. He can’t stand it so much that he occasionally considers selling our house and moving. He has called the village to complain and has been working with them, but that has had very little impact on the yard so far. My husband then gets angry with me because it doesn’t bother me. I know he feels like I am not on his side. I just want peace in my world and I try to get along with others as best as I can. I feel like I am supposed to learn how to be an angrier person in order to make my husband happy. How am I supposed to respond to him? I usually tell him that I understand why he is upset and sympathize with him, but no answer or reason has been satisfactory so far so I am not sure what to do. I believe that he should be able to have an issue with someone and that can be his thing; meanwhile, I could have things of my own going on that are of no concern to him.

Usually when there is something inside our character that needs fixing, it is those exact same things we react to and get upset about in our world. Yes, the neighbor could have a tidier yard, but unless it is dangerous to you, such as it is attracting rats that then come into your yard, then there is nothing a neighbor can do unless there is a local law that demands a home owners property be cleanly and organized. If there are such laws in your area, then your husband can talk to the authorities and explain what is going on. Even if it were resolved and the neighbors yard were clean, I must point back to the beginning of my response. I have a feeling that your husband would soon find something else to complain about, even if he is right, there will be things that at a subconscious level irritate him as they remind him that there is something wrong with him.

I have lived through something like this. A husband who would complain to me about friends of ours, and when I did not seem concerned, he got angry at me saying I did not care. He wanted to get a reaction out of me, so he blurted out that he was so upset he just might get out his gun and shoot himself. When he wasn't around, I made sure to hide the key to our gun safe. I eventually divorced as he verbally abused me the entire marriage. But I know how hopeless it feels, when someone is making it seem they will only be happy if you respond the way they want you to. If he is a good man in all other things, then he is worth fighting for. A friend who used to be a counselor suggested to my husband that he go to a psychologist to get help and explained why, and what he saw in my husband. So the husband fearing losing me, went with me as we began to check out different therapists, and we chose one. Then he was supposed to start going, but I overheard him on phone telling someone that he only pretended to go to fool me, but wouldn't go because he knew there was nothing wrong with him. I saw then that no matter what I said or did, it would have no effect on him. I remarried but he has had a string of girlfriends who end up leaving him. One of the latest told a daughter of ours that she has some training but not a degree in psychology however sees some behavioral problems with him and believes he may have Aspergers syndrome, which falls under the many different aspects of Autism. I knew a gal in High School with Aspergers and tho I believe he doesn't have it, he knows as well that something is not quite normal with him and has hidden it well from the public but felt too exposed at home with someone who knew him well enough to possibly find out so he did lots of finger pointing at me, even telling our Pastor that I had a problem and needed counseling. I only found out after the Pastor observed me handling a situation with the church secretary in a compassionate way, even sharing tears with her and knew I was nothing like my husband painted me to be and told me so. Although divorced, I still pray for the ex, as I realized he has a difficult life ahead and is so easily distracted by whatever entertaining thing might come his way. I just wanted you to know that I understand in a way what you are dealing with. I have no advice for you as unfortunately even human being must make their own choices, whether good or bad. However, I pray as that is the only thing I can proactively do. I do not see results yet but feel God wants me to trust and keep praying. I hope all turns out well for you.

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i love my new boyfriend but i think im still in love with my ex . its causing problems in my rekationship and i dont know how to get over my ex so that i move on

Maybe it's just a quality you like about the ex. When we are in the dating world, most of us are in it just for the excitement and maybe love of the moment but few of us do not look at it as a time to learn what we really like in a possible partner. I didn't either until I came across some info and by then I was married to someone it eventually didn't work out with.
The information I am talking about, I call it Finding Mr. Right. It involved making lists to remind yourself of what qualities you liked in a guy and then also the things you did not like about a guy. Hopefully you find the next person being an upgrade in character, having the good qualities of the last one, but not possessing the things you did not like about the last one. Sometimes, just realizing this is enough to break that hold of feelings you have for your ex.

Your lists need to be one about things you Need in a partner and the things you want. A 'need' list is something you can't live without, a must have such as non alcoholic, clean of drugs, non smoker, wants to have children. If you don't particularly care if he drinks till drunk or smokes then these items don't belong in this list. The second list is of 'wants' but if he doesn't possess these qualities, it's not a game changer like the first list. On a list like this, I put that it would be nice if he likes to sing, dance, has long hair. I got the long hair but not the others and I am truly okay with that...this would be my 2nd husband. If you were not just dating but sexual as well with the ex, then there are ties created linking you to him. It could be those ties that are keeping your feelings linked to him. The matter does go deeper than that, based on what I've read in the Bible but I won't go there unless asked to. So what you can try to do is imagine a cord linked from you to him and imagine you using a big pair of ceremonial scissors likes those used at a ribbon cutting for the opening or christening of something. Picture yourself cutting that cord and know there is no chance of going back when you do that. So you must be ready to acknowledge that relationship is definitely over and you are not going back if the current one doesn't work either.

Piece of advice on getting into a new relationship. It may sound awkward but I've found it very important to ask and find out what a guy is currently looking for in a girlfriend. Some are into cyclical monogamous dating, meaning while dating one girl they are loyal to only her until relationship ends and they move on to the next. Others are not monogamous in dating or marriage and will want to see several women at once. Some of only looking for a female to have one fun, going to movies, out to dinner. Some want to extend that fun to sex but without any commitments. Having sex and making love are two different things to them. Having sex doesn't mean they love you. Now if you are okay with any of these views, then don't expect a guy to change in the future. If you are looking for a long term partner who loves you, then the guy right now needs to be of the same mind set. Hope this bit of info is helpful to you as well.

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I currently have a bf and we are doing long distance. I'm still in school and he's working back home to save up for our future (we've talked about marriage). However over the past year of us being apart it has made me question if he is the right guy for me.

My dilemma is that he is and has been the best bf I could ever ask for. He loves me unconditionally, supports me, seen me at my worst and yet still loves and worships me. He would literally do anything to the best of his abilities to make me happy. He is completely different from any of the exes I've been with and that's what drew me to him. On the flip side the one thing that I find lacking in him and our relationship is the sense where I feel like he inspires me to grow to be the best version of myself. Although he's comfortable and makes me feel safe, I don't feel that he motivates me to grow. On his days off, he usually stays in bed and plays games, watches anime and stuff like that... Which is fine to a certain extent but I sometimes I just wish he would do something more proactive. In the past, the kind of guys that I normally date and have been attracted to have always been "go getters" which always kept me on my toes and made me want to be better just like them. However every single guy that I dated that were go getters would end up being selfish and not care enough about me. Now that I've gotten a taste of both kinds of characteristics I just don't know what to do with my current relationship..

In the span of 6 months I have developed two crushes with guys who are go getters and make me feel inspired.. I find myself really attracted to them which makes me fantasize what it would be like to date them instead. I feel horrible for thinking this way because my bf is working hard to save up for our future but he keeps telling me that he feels neglected (I've slowly kind of distanced myself away from from him because I was starting to feel confused with my feelings) .. on top of that his family literally treats me as if I'm their daughter in law already and so in a way I feel obligated to be in this relationship and see it through. I don't know if this is just a phase I'm feeling because of the distance. In your opinion, is it better to be with someone in the long run who's supportive, loyal, loves unconditionally, and safe or is it better to be with someone who inspires me to be the best version of myself and ultimately helps me reach my full potential? I'm scared that if I leave, and I go for someone who's a go getter that it will end up biting me in the butt again (they will end up being way to selfish)...I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do

I have to agree on one thing for sure, that you have to really feel sure before you can commit to a future with any guy. I don't know if the words you are using are being interpreted correctly by me, but it sounds like as great as he is, there are some things that give you concern. It sounds like 'motivating you" is something you want but for the most part I feel that other than receiving compliments about your strengths, your strengths being recognized, you are looking for someone to motivate you when that is really something you do from deep within your self. If a guy plays down all your strengths or tries to talk you out of something you want to do, then its not the right guy. This one likes sitting in bed, playing games, all things that aren't bad but ten years from now, if that is the only activity he does in spare time, instead of out hiking, swimming, biking or something else that you both could do away from home, you may find you can no longer tolerate it. When you say proactive, it sounds to me like you want a guy who is more than "a coach potato" the term from my generation describing what you said the current boyfriends down time is like. Too many kids today are raised with technology to entertain just their minds, but people do not know what it is like to be outdoors doing some fun activity. To help with all the confusion tho, following is a document I have pasted in called 'Looking for Mr. Right'. It helped me after a divorce, when looking for another marriage partner and that at age 50. So this thing about making good relationship choices isn't taught, but we stumble across at some point in life and it just took me a heck of a lot longer. So here it is...long answer for you but theres no way to shorten this kind of advice.


How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be 'I want a guy who wants to have kids' or 'I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry','I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief', 'I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.' “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.”
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the 'what you want', like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.

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