Hi!
I have been on Advicenators for as long as I can remember- and you have been one of the very few people that I view their page and I even made a new account just to be able to write you because I lost my previous email and password and wanted to come on here and ask for your advice because I do appreciate it so much. You have helped me out before in the past and it has been a long time since I used Advicenators. So i figured, I will go back on it and contact you for some advice and see if you could help me. I don't really talk to my friends anymore and my I do not like to go to my family and talk to them about my issues so talking to someone knowledgeable and that will never be biased is always good for me. I really hope that you can view my issue with no judgement, although I am a little worried that you might not understand how my outlook on life and religious views may be, I am hoping you can look at this through a different lens.
I will just get right into it!
I am 29 years old. I am newly married. I got married around 11 months ago and next month it will be one whole year. I married the love of my life, the man of my dreams, someone who I believe is a great person and is the right choice for me. We are both happy, we get along well, there is mutual respect (For the most part)
He is 30 years old. I am half American and a Muslim women. He is also Muslim but is from the middle east.
We've known each other for such a long time, and we actually got married in the middle east because we were both living there for a long time. He understands me and I understand him and we are both in love and committed. However, just like any other married couple, we do have our own problems.
My upbringing is a little different than his, we both grew up in the same country, but both our families were different. His family is a little more open and my family is a little more conservative. In every way possible.
As Muslims, alcohol is not permitted and it is not something that we engage in so often. However, he When he was growing up, he had a different lifestyle. He had friends who would enjoy the occasional drink. He also enjoys the occasional drink when we go to weddings, when we sometimes go out with our friends to a bar or pub. Now, I am not for or against alcohol, but my issue with his lifestlye was that it was very different from mine. He knows that in our country, going to bars and pubs is not the "norm" nor is it encouraged. It is not how people live their day to day lives like here in America. It is not common, it is not "the norm" I am just trying to make you understand how different it is in another country. So while we were growing up, its not like he had alcohol in his mothers house while he was living with her. No, she knew he would drink but it was not allowed at home- and it is not something she encourages. When we first starting dating, I realized that he enjoyed alcohol occasionally, and my only issue with that was that I don't want that to be apart of our lives (in the sense where it becomes the NORM and one day he tells our children, who I want to raise in the best way possible, that it is okay to occasionally drink.) Before getting married, this was an issue we had because religiously he also knows that it is not okay to drink, even if it is occasionally. His family really loves me and tried to convince me that this is something that he enjoys doing from time to time (weddings, travel, etc) and that it is only an OCCASIONAL thing. He also tried to make me understand that he is a little different than his siblings and that he is more open in the sense that drinking alcohol occasionally is somethin he enjoys.
At first, It was hard to swallow, marrying someone so different. But because I loved him, I decided to respect who he was, and that just because he is different than me doesn't mean it can't work out. He knows being around alcohol so much makes me uncomfortable, he knows its against my religious views, he knows that I don't want our kids to find that to be the norm in our marriage, and he married me regardless, and I married him regardless because I figure that it can really work out if we learn to respect each others opinions and stick to a lifestlye that makes us both comfortable. And so I did. I accepted to be with him despite his occasional drinking, I learned to love him for who he was. If there was a wedding and he drank, I would never say a thing. If we went on vacation and he drank, a lot, I would never say anything.
Knowing that he does not drink on a regular basis made me feel at ease because I felt like he had it under control- and it was in a way that he wasn't obsessed with it or anything. (Except for the fact that he Binge drinks SOMETIMES when he is upset or to wind down, which sometimes makes me question it and worries me) however, I accepted him for who he was regardless of our difference of opinions and principles and religious views. He also believes it is wrong, and he knows that it is not something to be proud of and he has admitted it before (but he holds on to the idea that "life is about balance, and as long as I do good then God will forgive my sins and he excuses himself for it. Which is FINE, to each his own. We agreed before getting married that if this is something he would like to do, I have no problem with occasionally being a part of it with him (if he ever goes to a pub, ill be with him cause he is my husband and I want him to enjoy his time- EVEN if deep down it makes me feel uncomfortable. Despite him always making me feel like I am the weird one who does not know how to "have fun" and he makes it seem like I am so SAINT that does not do any sins, which is NOT the case- I have my own sins and I am NOWHERE near perfect. But he always teases me and says that im a "goodie two shoes" and that really bothers me, cause then I FEEL JUDGED and feel like he makes it seem like im this judgmental person for not enjoying the same things that he does.
Moving on, we both moved to America, and we are trying to adjust to this new lifestlye of everything. We love being here, we have no family here, just each other. I was originally born and rasied here, but its been a while since I have been back and I am living in a new state.
Alcohol is a lot more common here than back in our home country, yes it was accessible, but not like this. We are facing some issues now. I believe he is really immature- emotionally immature. This has been shown to me in several ways. When we go out for grocery shopping, I find him going to the alcohol section and he tries to get me to look at it with him, and talks to me about it so normally as if this was the NORM for us- he doesn't even have respect that this is something that I do not like, something we have gotten into horrible fights about, something that I literally do not even want to normalize in our lives. He tells me that I am his WIFE and that he should be able to talk to me about ANYTHING- but what about me? He is my husband, he should ALSO be making me feel comfortable especially that we have gotten into disagreements about this and about if us coming here to America would change the way we live (having alcohol at home, etc)
He knows that I totally refuse that, and he has made it clear that he will not be doing it at home- only occasionally in his car outside if he wants to (which is something that he gave me a very very hard time about!!)
To me, that is something that was a deal breaker for me, I told him that I do not accept that in our house and that EVEN HE does not come from a world where it is OKAY- So why NOW? because we are in a new country? we will normalize alcohol and normalize that kind of lifestlye? After many disagreements, he told me that I was right and that he wont have it at home. But once we got here, and he started having a hard time finding a job, the first thing he did was go to the supermarket while we were grocery shopping and buys it. And when I told him, why are you drinking? its not an occasion? were not on vacation? were not at a wedding, he told me to mind my own business and that he Makes his own occasions. He told me to stop trying to control him. I told him I am not trying to control him at all. I never told him NOT to do it. But that I was misinformed by him and his family when they both tell me that he only drinks on occasions or when he is having a good time. So, what am I to think now?
He always tells me to mind my own business and that he can do whatever he wants, cause he's the man.
The last time we got into an argument about it, I told him I swear to God baby im not trying to control you, I just don't want this to be our lifestyle just cause we moved here, since when do you start drinking every weekend? He told me " I can do whatever I want, its non of your business" and I said fine, you should have told me the truth then, earlier, before we got married- so that I understand what to expect from you. Not feed me lies about you being an occasional drinker, when this is something that you do whenever you get the chance or feel like it. You lied to me. He told me to leave him alone about it. So i told him, I will not even have any business about it, but all I ask of you is that if you ever want to get alcohol, please go on your own time and go get it without me being there, if this is something that you will do without it being an occasion, I don't want any part of it and that makes me uncomfortable. He said okay, and we moved on.
Yesterday, we went to the store together, and he brought up alcohol for no reason at all, saying that if he wants to get it, he will. I told him why are you even bringing that up right now? Plus, you wouldn't do that (and I laughed, i tried to turn it into a joke) I said, you know I dont like that, so why are you joking about that? He said, im not joking, im serious, you can never tell me what to do, and If i wanna go get it, i wil.
I said, why are you trying to make problems for? why is this even a thing? I don't even BOTHER you about it, I dont even mention it, its as if im not allowed to say the word ALCOHOL around you. Why are you so obsessed with this idea? he said cause your trying to control me, and I wont let you ever control me. Im the man here, and you can't tell me what to do.
THIS WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY WHILE WE WERE GOING TO A SUPERMARKET RUN... he left me like this "!!!?!?!?!?!" WHAT is his problem?
what the hell is going on?
WHY are we even fighting about this?
What is happening?!
(Sorry, I am really just so FRUSTURATED)
Now literally, we go all day without talking. Walk past each other like the other doesn't exist, FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
I am so tired of being with someone so immature, so UNWILLING to compromise. This is not my lifestlye, this is not what I want in my life. He knew who he married, he knew who I was, WHY AM I NOT BEING ACCEPTED? Why do I feel like i am the one making the compromises??? I go with him to pubs, and bars, and I am with him when he drinks because I love him, and because Im okay with being around it as long as Im not feel compromised, and during those moments, I truly don't feel like I am compromising who I am, because we are somewhere that he can relax and be himself, and I can enjoy my time with him ( EVEN IF I AM HAVING A REDBULL)
WHY is it that I feel like I am compromising being in areas that I do not like because he is my husband and I want to be with him but he is incapable of compromising for me and making me comfortable in our day to day life?
He told me I am a hypocrite because I am okay with going with him to these places but not okay with us getting it from the supermaket LOL
I said, actually, im not okay with going to pubs but I love to enjoy my time with you, even if I don't like the environment and I have no problem doing that, why are you unable to compromise?
I feel like he is so selfish! So immature! SO SPOILED! His mom made him feel like he was the king of the world and just because he is the oldest son, he was always the one that got away with everything, anything and everything he wanted was OKAY and acceptable, and YOUR THE MAN.
I WANT TO TELL HIM, YOU ARE MARRIED NOW!!! YOU DON'T LIVE WITH YOUR MOM ANYMORE, LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
I am so frustrated, I have NO ONE to talk to about this. I feel like my marriage is failing. Did I marry the wrong person for me??!
I am so clueless. What drives me INSANE is that everything else between us is perfect and fine. There are no problems. We are okay, we get along. We laugh a lot, we are romantic. BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS IS RUINING MY LIFE.
Please give me your advice and tell me what It is that I need to do. I really need your help.
I am so sorry this is long.
Thank you so much in advance! :)
[ Answer this question ] Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category? Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life? Dragonflymagic answered Saturday May 18 2024, 7:50 pm: It is good that you wrote much to give details. It does help another to understand.
Sometimes when a couple marries, what happens later is that one changes their views on something and now the two are not as equally yoked. I understand that part since I have changed some of my religious views in Christianity so they now differ from that of my husband. However, even though he believes I am misguided, he also believes that ones beliefs are something they need to work out on their own and it is not his business to tell me what to believe. Likewise, I say nothing to him either. The one thing we do is treat each other well, without him exerting his dominance as a maie over me, and my being as supportive as I can. I might add this is my 2nd husband. If you have read my posts, then you likely know the whole story already. So as far as your husband having changed in how and when he imbibes in alcohol, I understand the change, however it is a very dangerous one. I feel like he is on a path that could lead to much worse with
other bad traits/sins that could affect you and any children. I must mention one in particular since you live in the U.S. and there is protection for women and children regarding this. It is physical abuse. Drinking can lead to that, not that it will, but it could. If you ever find yourself being beaten, there are women's shelters you can contact. There are National Womens shelter networks online that can put you in touch with help closest to you. Here is one of those numbers: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
The internet is a wonderful tool. I have looked up some of the Qur'an beliefs. This is where I wish to address what your husband said "life is about balance, and as long as I do good then God will forgive my sins and he excuses himself for it. "Which is FINE, to each his own.
However, Iblis refused to follow angels and prostrate before Adam, claiming that he was better than him because he was made of fire and Adam of clay.At this point, Iblis became Satan, which means “rebel” and “arrogant”. He exercised his freedom and chose to be satan(ic). He was not created evil – indeed nothing is - but chose to be so.
Iblis was proud and self-centered. He rebelled against Allah and became of nonbelievers. He became the chief of all the Jinn that were like-minded with him.
Whoever follows Iblis in his arrogance, rebellion and wickedness is also called a satan. That is the case both among the Jinn and people (al-An’am, 112).
Although there are some views that don't line up with what I have seen, such as Jinn involved when what I have seen written is that Satan/the devil was an Angel, but a fallen angels and yes a leader of all the angels that fell along with him. Yes, there was a big disagreement that does include God stating that not just Adam but what Adam presents, the humans, are higher in importance to God than the angels so there was a fight in Heaven due to "Iblis/or Lucifer as he was called before the fall" becoming jealous and choosing not to agree to humans being higher on the chain of importance than him and his kind, even though still created by the same God who created all. Even with our differences in beliefs, there is still a truth that is the same.
Whoever follows Iblis in his arrogance, rebellion and wickedness is also called a satan. Where you call such a person a satan, I see in my book, the Bible; as a sinner. Sinner simply means separated or apart from God. So many believe they can balance things out with being good, where even some Christians may believe that but I do not, not from what the Bible has to say on the subject. But it isn't my place to convert you to another belief. Each of us must come to that choice on our own whether to believe and what to believe.
I could suggest that both of you go to marriage counseling when you find someone who is respectful of what you believe. Although if like Iblis, your husband is being arrogant and choosing to go against the beliefs regarding alcohol, then he is in a very dangerous spot. He may not be open to seeing a counselor as my first husband wasn't. He thought to fool me that he was going for sessions since this was not couples counseling but he did not and I heard him admit it. Your husband may think he is in the right and can drink all he wants. Drinking when upset, anxious and so on, only temporarily masks our troubles from us. Then once sober again, our troubles are still there. People tend to think that if they drink more in volume that maybe then their issues will become better. I am sure you realize by now, that is not the case, as it has not helped him find a job and it is causing tension in your marriage.You may feel that your love for your husband can help in your marriage. Yes, it can up to a point. But as I experienced, same as a womens article I read, our hearts are like a bank savings account. If a spouse keeps doing loving things, thats like putting deposits into your savings account of love. This may all sound silly, but if nothing changes, you will one day find yourself in the same place. So when the spouse becomes selfish, acting immature and ignores their partner, refusing to put in deposits but still expecting to take out chunks of love when they want to feel loved or what their partner do loving things with them, one day, it will run out. My ex husband was not putting in any love deposits after some time married, so eventually there was no love to draw on and I found myself feeling no romantic love for him at all. I did feel sorry for him, had the kind of feelings I might for a friend, but not a spouse. So when his counselor asked me if I felt there was hope for my marriage, I found myself truthfully answering that there wasn't. To this day, there is no longer romantic love but there is with my new husband. The old one I treat as a friend when the few family occasions arise where we are in the same place. If your husband will not go for counseling for himself, maybe he would be open to Alcoholics Anonymous. He likely won't accept the information from you so if you can contact a chapter near you and see if any man there would be willing to befriend and talk to him about it, or invite him, perhaps there is a chance. All you can do is to pray for him. Pray to your God, Allah or whomever God you feel can change your situation. If nothing changes, then I challenge you to humor me, and say a short prayer to the Jesus, the Christians believe in. You can be so direct as to tell him to reveal himself and prove that he is really more than just a major prophet in your beliefs. It is said that He is the only way by which man can enter heaven, which is where you may have heard people saying, Jesus saves our souls. If you are desperate enough and honestly seeking to hear from him, then he will answer. I had a racing heartbeat develope. Drs. gave me the only 2 prescriptions meds that exist to help with this. I found I was allergic to them, with throat slowly closing up after I took the medication. Since there was nothing else I could do, to fix my situation I prayed asking Jesus to please heal me of this rapid heartbeat. One day soon, it came time to take my blood pressure which also shows heartbeat and mine was normal. It has consistently been normal since I prayed. I believe that God wants to do things for us, not want to see us trying to fix our problems on our own. So, as a parent wants to bend over backward to help our own children with whatever they need help with, how much more so, God? If who you pray to answers prayer and your husband stops alcohol, goes to counseling or AA, great. If not, pray to Jesus and see what happens there. He is concerned about any and all human problems we face. He though is also concerned, I believe, about our spiritual health and where we stand there, with doing good only, or adding a gift he has to give that no other God has done for us.
I hope I have helped you in some little way. I will be praying for you dear. [ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question ]
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