TheTeenGirl's advice column

askTheTeenGirl

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: lets see, Im taking world history in summer school for the whole summer so that I dont have to take the class next schoolyear, that way, I can have an extra elective to fill it. But my class is a mix of freshman who dont want to take the class next school year, and sophomores who didnt pass it when they took it. Theres this sophomore in my class whose going to be a junior next year, and Im going to be a sophomore. even though he goes a different school than me, we get along great, and I liked him when i first saw him. Since we sit on oppositie sides of the room, my friends tell me hes ALWAYS staring at me and look in my direction EVERY SINGLE DAY which of course, makes me really happy. and sometimes, afterschool i talk to him where he waits and i can never look him in the eye because i get so nervous but anyways, thats not the problem. the problem is, that theres this girl that sits next to him, and i will admit that shes really pretty. today, she wore his jacket half the time, and they listened to his ipod together, and they flirt 24/7 but when they arent flirting, he goes back to looking at me and its bothers me so much because i cant compete with her. but when he stares at me, i feel like i have a chance but i dont know what to do. i dont want to go up to him and be like "so do you like me or not" i just really need advice to follow. im sorry its so long but its just complicated. and Please dont say that "I should talk to him" because that will only make it worse and it will seem like im overreacting but i like him a lot and i dont know what i should do at this point

I know it hurts to see this other girl and him flirting, but if he really does like you, then he will pick you. It's not like you both are together, so he can flirt with other girls that like him. And if anything, he's not trying to hurt you. He's probably very flattered that this other girl likes him too.

I would never suggest talking to him because it wouldn't do you any good. It would make you look like you're acting like his girlfriend and that would probably scare him away. The only thing you should do is if you want to, let him know you're interested in him, and if you do both happen to get into a relationship then you can butt in when it comes to how he's interacting to other girls. Let him continue to look at you and act the way he does around you, and you act the same too. I'm sure if you were the one sitting next to him, he'd be flrting with you constantly just as he is with this other girl.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: Hey. I'm 13 (soon to be 14), Female.

So, about a month before school ended (May 25, is the day I got out, if your wondering) I told my friend I liked this one kid. She knew who he was, and his name, and he was only in one of her classes.

Then about a few weeks after I told her about me having a crush on him, she texted me saying she like my crush too! To be honest, I was in shock. I didn't know what to do, I hate having to like the same guy my friends like too!

Then one of her and I's closest friend, called me up, and I told her how I felt about this whole "We like the same guy." kind of thing. She understood where I was coming from. So then my friend that likes the guy I like, called me up and told me that our closest friend told her what I said, and how I felt about it.

Honestly, I'm glad she did, I didn't know how else to tell her. She told me she would never date my crush, because she knows he means a lot to me, plus she said she doesn't like him anymore. I felt much better, and apologized to her for even thinking she would do such thing.

Anyways, on the last day of school, I told my crush I liked him for quite a while. Then the next day he told me he felt the same way for a while too and asked me out. I was the happiest girl, really. He told me what all other guys said, "I love you, you're the one I love, No one can replace you."

Blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I didn't really believe most of the things he told me, is that bad?

After a 2-week relationship, I knew there was something bugging him, I just didn't have the nerves to ask him what it was. I told my friend about it, and she tried to help me out, but i didn't know WHEN to break up with him since his birthday was coming up soon. Or if I was even SURE if the right thing to do was to break up with him.

(May I add, though this might be stupid, but we both have a MySpace, and the Top 8, he had me as first, now all of a sudden some other girl was his first, and I was his fourth!) I knew something was wrong.

I was going out of town to visit a very close friend of mine, and I told him that. And on that same day, he told my best friend to break up with me for him. So she called me up the next morning, telling me everything he told her to tell me. I was very heartbroken, but I didn't show it.

About a week later, after trying to get over him, he asks my best friend (the same girl he told her to break up with me) out. She totaly freaked out. She texted me telling me to call her ASAP. I got the text an hour late, and called right away. She told me, my-ex asked her out and she didn't know what to do. (On that same day two other guys asked her out before my ex did, she gave them a flat-out no. but I don't know why it was so hard for her to say no to my ex.)

I was crushed, i felt like breaking down in tears on the phone, but i didn't. The first thing in mind was "What did you say?," She told me she didn't answer his question yet, and she doesn't know what to do. I told her of what she said to me about 2 months ago from now of what she said.

She told me she doesn't want to say 'Yes' because she knows I would be upset and that i still liked him and that he recently broke up with me not too long ago,

And she doesn't want to say 'No' because she would feel bad because his birthday is coming up.

That same night, my ex called me up, asking me if I would be mad if they went out. I told him yes, cause first off he's my ex, and she's my best friend, and I know a true friend wouldn't do that. And i told him I still have feelings for him.

He told me he didn't want to ruin my best friend's and I friendship, then he told me that him & I were better off friends, but what confused me was, what is it that my best friend has that I don't? And why did he told me he felt the same way, and asked me out in the first place?

My friend doesn't really know him that well. She just knows that he was in her history class, his name, and that his birthday is coming up soon, and that he was my crush.

I don't know what to do, should I be happy if they DO go out? Should I try to get over him? Should I give my friend the silent treatment if she DOES go out with him? (BTW, I can be easily jealous, and I don't know, I just can't help it.)

I am incredibly, truly sorry this is very long.

Don't be sorry for the length of your question. I am more than happy to help.

Starting out with your best friend: She needs to tell him flat-out no whether it's Valentines day or Christmas. It's wrong to hold in an answer just because you're afraid of their reaction. She should be more afraid of hurting you than this guy. And right now it's hurting you because she can't even tell him no automatically like a best friend should. So tell her that it shouldn't matter if it's close to his birthday because he doesn't have to have a girlfriend on his birthday. He's a big boy, he'll get over it.

About this guy: You both had a two week relationship, so of course telling each other you love each other is not something you should believe after only two weeks. So no, it's not wrong to not believe him when he said that he loved you. Try not to say you love someone or let them tell you they love you until you are serious with a guy.

If he really was concerned about coming between you and your friend, then he would have never tried to be with your friend in the first place, so you should leave him out of this. The only way he will ever come between the two of you is if your friend ever gets with him. That is your friend's fault. This guy shouldn't matter at all.

About your last questions: 'I don't know what to do, should I be happy if they DO go out?' This all depends on your feelings, and you already said that if they were together you'd be upset and let me tell you that you've got ever right to be angry, depressed and upset about this.

'Should I try to get over him?' Absolutely. He's moving on and so should you. Getting over someone is a hard thing, but don't ever pressure yourself to get with someone else and get over him. This takes a lot of time.

'Should I give my friend the silent treatment if she DOES go out with him?' Not exactly. Yes, you will be mad and yes you have every right to be and yes she doesn't deserve to have you as a friend, BUT you can just be her friend instead of best friends. When she calls, let her know that you really don't want to hang out or talk. Yes, you can have a short conversation if you happen to see each other in public, but you can tell her no if she wants to do things you both used to do. Theres no doubt that you will miss the friendship you both had, but that' her fault if she made a bad choice and that gave her consequences.

Something tells me that she's not going to go for this guy. And she needs to listen to you. Tell her that you don't think the birthday excuse is good enough to put her answer on hold. It has to happen sometime!

If you have anymore questions, please let me know and be sure to remind me of your original question so that I'll know who you are!

-TheTeenGirl

Q: Soo..I'm depressed and I can't seam to get better. It's just my dad hates my mom. My mom has no one, and I feel horrible for her because she doesnt have any friends. Then, I am so self concious and no self esteam. I hate how I look. Also, all the people I used to be so close to and who used to call me, don't call me anymore. I have to call them and they never return my phone call. I was hurt really bad by one of my best friends, like he was the guy I went to, to feel better bc I knew he cared about me no matter what, well that was a lie, but w/e. It's just I hate myself, and I feel no one but my family cares about me. I'm also very scared to go out w/ someone again, because last time I did, I was hurt very bad. I'm not sure what I'm asking, pretty much I needed someone to talk to I guess and any tips on what to do. thanks

I think you're feeling depressed through a phase. Sometimes when a lot of things are getting rough, we add it all up and tend to make it bigger than it really is.

I'll be honest by letting you know that I think you're pretty lucky that your mom isn't a very busy woman. My mom has always been busy and I'm constantly struggling with feeling like she wants to spend any time with me and it gets me pretty angry and depressed. If anyone, I think that a great best friend could be your mom. You two may not get along or have a lot of conflict with each other, but I did with my mom too and we can finally be in the same room after a few years. And what I've learned was that we were fighting over something that should never have mattered and something that shouldn't ever come between us. Now, she's just my mom and we have typical disagreements.

About your friends in general: The way I see it, if they don't want to be around you and don't want to call you, then that friend is probably not much of a friend. Sometimes it helps to tell them that you miss them and want to hang out and see what they say. If you know that a certain friend likes shopping, invite her to go shopping with you. Shopping may not be your thing, but it can't hurt to start something again with a friend.

I think that you'd probably find it comforting to talk to your mom about how your life is and try hard to get closer to her. If anything, that's what I really want you to try and it can't hurt to try. You know for sure that she's probably miserable, and I think that she'll really like to know how much you care about her. Usually when people are hiding out and alone, they just need to know they are loved by someone.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: I've been dating my bf for almost 2 years. We get in fights easily. He has this thing where he is very immature and when people get mad, he still does it, acting like a 6 year old. I get tired of him quickly, but I know part of it is because I've been dating him for so long. I don't know what to do, because I love him to death. I don't know if I should keep dating him, and keep arguing.. or try someone else. What seems right here?

What really frustrates me about answers on here is that just because someone is having relationship problems with a lot of fights, it doesnt mean you should break-up with them. You will have fights in relationships people!

Anyway, if these fights are to a point where he isn't respecting your feelings or you feel that he's not hearing you, then that's something you have to let him know. The next time you guys get in a fight, just let him know what's bothering you, and if nothing is bothering you, ask him what's bothering him and listen. If you feel like you've already done whatever you could to get him to understand, then you should consider taking some time off from him or ending the relationship.

I wouldn't suggest trying someone else right away because two years is a very long time and I think you won't realize how much he's in your life until you actually let go of him and taking a break might help that. The thing is that if you feel that you're the only one working at this, then consider a break-up.

Sometimes when you are out of answers, you have to be alone and listen to that voice inside that's not in love with this guy. The part that tells you the right thing. If you know you shouldn't be with this guy, you'll probably notice that voice peeking out. I know it may sound crazy, but sometimes when you're in a situation that you know deep down isn't right, something will tell you inside.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: so my boyfriend was a acting like a really big jerk. He took me out of his profile and replaced it with another girl saying wow i love ___. he was lso being really really rude. I got so frsihtrated and hurt and mad that i dumped him. After i did it i was like what did i jsut do . We went out a few times before and he dumped me. After that he got really mad at me and started to say stuff like i hope you die and i hate you. We made up but still not going out. We were gonna stop probllay before summer casye we weould never say see each other. But i just feel like everytihng is filled up inside of me and i jsut need to let it all out. Im kidna getting really sad cuase he keeps say well u blew it i relaly did love you. But i just am really sad and i feel like i jsut need to start crying to make it feel better.

You've got one thing right in your question. Your boyfriend is a big jerk. He's not acting like one, he is a big jerk.

You may feel really upset that things are changed between the two of you, but if anything, it's for the best for you. It doesn't matter how mad he got at you, there is no good excuse that he can give you for replacing your name with another girl's name in his profile. And whether it was your fault or not the reason you two broke up, he should never tell you that you blew it and guilt trip you. If I were you, I wouldn't waste a second of my life talking to that guy after the crap he did.

And there is definetly no excuse for him to tell you that he hates you and wishes you were dead. Do you know how low he is on level compared to you? He is way in the ground while you deserve way better.

What I'm trying to say is that you may feel really down right now because you may have really liked this guy and that's ok. But what isn't ok to convince yourself that it's all your fault and that you don't deserve someone else. You need to tell that guy that you could care less whose fault it is because you aren't thinking in the past. You are in the present and moving to the future and it doesn't include him.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: my boyfriend and i have been together for a while already..but for the pass 2-3 months we've been arguing alot, over stupid simple things..but somewhow we always manage to pull through and apologize to each other over the end...but i want to know if these areguments can brings us to any bad endings even if we always make up after every argument that same night?

Thank you for asking me personally, it feels great that you've turned to me for some advice and I'd be very honored to give you my input.

Sometimes when two people that are in a relationship spend tons of time together, they tend to get on each other's nerves and argue about a lot because they are getting short with each other. That could be one explaination. If you and your boyfriend have been spending a lot of time together and you havn't really been spending alone time with your friends and having your own life, then that is probably why these small fights are happening. A lot of people make the mistake of constantly spending their time with their boyfriend or girlfriend because they just like the feelings they get around that person.

Another explaination could be the way you both are fighting. Now, these might be small and stupid fights but do they ever get to the point where you're getting really angry and it turns into a big fight? Don't worry, this happens a lot too. If you find yourselves argueing about a small thing, then just say, "Hey, we're fighting over the alarm clock, I don't even remember what got this started."

Sometimes what can help is if you or him are too angry to actually sit down and say, "Ok, all I'm trying to tell you is that I felt upset when you....." Then you or him need to go home and start over the next day. If you feel that you need to still talk about what happened, then let him know that you'd like to talk to him about it and everything but don't let a fight start up again.

About your original question: But I want to know if these areguments can brings us to any bad endings even if we always make up after every argument that same night?

I'm not exactly understanding the answer you're looking for, but if you're having little fights and you make up, then you're fine and theres no reason you should try ending the relationship. However, if you're having a lot of fights that are huge and meaningful, like cheating, sex, drugs or any of that, then thats when you have to find out whether something he does is forgivable or acceptable to you. If you don't want to share a future with someone whose doing drugs and he's doing them, then end it. If he cheated on you and you can't forgive it, then end it.

I think you and your boyfriend are fine and will be fine together. Like you said, these fights are simple and stupid things and you're able to make-up.

If you have anymore questions or concerns, please write back. Thank you.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: Hey, thanks again for the wonderful help you gave me. I've just been thinking about what would be the correct way to confront him about what his ex said. Like, I was thinking I should tell him that the "guy" told me. I thought I'd just say some guy added me saying he was a friend of him and his ex and started telling me what his ex has said. There's been quite a few people who tried to screw up with our relationship in the past, so he will think its them. Or just one of his enemies trying to interfere in our relationship. But he'll have to fess up the information anyway.

What do you think? What would be the proper way to do this? I just can't bring myself to tell him it was me who did it.
Again, thank you for reading and keep up the awesome advice.

Your welcome, I'm glad that I could help you!

Now, this isn't an answer you're looking for, but I would appreciate it if you read through it and give it some thought.

But, as it hard it as sounds, I think you have to confront him with the truth. You both have a lot to confess in this relationship. There is a lot of dishonesty going on and I can promise you that you'll feel better that he knows the truth rather than something you made up. Maybe you won't feel relieved or that good when you actually start to tell him, but I think we both know that it's the right thing to do.

You just need to say, "Josh, there is a lot going on in our relationship and I think it's time for me to own up to my part. I've found out that you've been talking to your Ex-girlfriend, and I found this out because I saw her E-mail on your computer and was very curious. So I made a fake account and found out who she was. She told me more than I needed to know and I fully understand now that it was wrong, but at the same time, I feel betrayed because you never really told me that you've been having deep conversations with another girl. You may want to break-up with me or end the relationship, but I think there's too much we don't know about each other that needs to be cleared up"

Besides, remember when I told you that I have a strong feeling that he's not over her? Well, whether you tell the truth or not, I think you need to give him more space to get over this girl since she did state that the only reason they broke up was because of long distance and I can't help but believe that statement since we both know for a fact that he's having these conversations that shouldn't be happening with her.

Listen: My suggestion would be that if you really believe that you can work things out with this guy, then I really think you're safer telling the truth. But that is all in your power and decision. If you are going to go your different ways, then I really don't think it matters what you tell him. The truth is that you really can bring yourself to tell him it was you, fear is what's stopping you. You'll feel a lot better if you have a clean and fresh start in your relationship if you do continue it.

Don't be afraid to ask me more or keep me updated, I know this wasn't the answer you were wanting, but I really tried! Thank you. Oh and make sure you always remind me yor original question you asked me because it never tells me who the asker is!

-TheTeenGirl

Q: My best friend used to mess around with my big brother back around New Years. I told them that I didn't care if they actually dated but they were just hooking up. They told me that they would like to actually date but it'd be hard because he lives an hour and half away. That is BS because he's home almost every weekend and my friend and I always drive that far to go to the galleria. I know my brother and he's an asshole to girls and he's with a new girl like every week it seems.

So, after a few weeks my friend promised that she wouldn't mess around with him anymore.

My brother is home for the summer and my cousin is staying with us for a few weeks as well. Well, last ngiht I wasn't home and out with a few friends. When I came home, my cousins told me that my friend was over at our house with my brother.

Now I don't know what to do or say becasue it just angers me so much. I LOVE my friend but we've talked about her going after my family members before and she PROMISED me (she's had a thing for my brother, cousins, and even my younger uncle...yeahhhh).

My brother and I are also really close but i HATE how he dos these t hings. What should I do?

I think the truth is that your friend and your brother just want to hook-up and mess around, which you already know because their excuse of not dating is unrealistic.

I'm not sure why your friend would promise to not hook-up with a family member of yours and then go behind your back and do it, but you need to confront her about this promise and what happened. Let her know that if she's going to try hooking up with someone in your family then don't make a promise that she won't.

I know you're worried about the way your brother acts with his new girl every week, but let her know ahead of time that you know he's always bringing home new girls and treats them badly. If she doesn't want to take your warning seriously, then let her learn the truth.

If any of these family members happen to be an adult and she's a minor, then that's when you have to take serious action. You need to let your parents know if anything like that is going on.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: 15/f. So I feel like I have a problem that I can't find the answer to. Well, here it goes. I have really low self confidence. I mean, I don't know why, because I have good friends, a good family, good grades, etc. But I'm constantly thinking everybody else is better than me and getting angry at people if they give me a compliment or something. And I'm always criticizing myself, worrying if people like me or not, and getting really upset at the most stupid, insignificant things. I don't know what's wrong with me, I mean I always try to be happy and optomistic but then I overanalyze everything and start being pessimistic about everything. I know I shouldn't have this problem becuase there are so many people who have more problems than me but make the best out of a bad situiation. It is possible that I have depression of something ? Or maybe just going through a phase. I need advice on what I can do to feel better about myself. Sorry this was so long. Thanks a bunch !

Everyone will go through this phase where they become aware of their imperfections and they start to wonder if other people around them are notcing this imperfection and what they are thinking of it if they do notice.

I think that the feelings you're experiencing are just a phase that I'm describing. What you have to do is find out what you're really made of and put yourself out there to what you want to do or what you think you can't do. Sometimes we tend to believe that we aren't capable of certain things and we have no idea how powerful we really are and you have to try that. Do you want to be a cheerleader? A dancer? An Actress? A model? A basketball player? Find out what school activity you like or some kind of outside sport and sign up for it and you'll see that you are better than a lot of people at certain things.

That's just another fact of life. You'll be better at certain things than other people and other people will be better at certain things than you are. Another fact is that you'll always be walking down the street or flipping through a magazine and see someone prettier than you are and that's more than ok to believe that someone might be prettier, but you have to ask yourself: Am I pretty? Do I think that I'm attractive too? Because you can still believe someone is pretty while you believe that you're pretty too. Just because someone is prettier, it doesn't mean that you are uglier and should try making yourself just as pretty.

Bottom line is that you'll always have something you don't like about your appearance, if it bothers you that much and it's fixable, then try your best to make it how you like it. If it's not fixable or costs a lot just to get it fixed, then it's ment to be there to make you yourself. Without that birthmark on your face or chip on your tooth, you probably aren't as you as you are today. Besides, a lot of girls tend to make a huge deal out of a mole or something that's not even that noticable and they stress over nothing!

Look in the mirror, and tell yourself out loud what you like about your appearance. Do you like that your hair is thin or thick? Curly or straight? The way it looks in a ponytail? Then try to remember those compliments you recieve from people and let it be your reminder that people like that certain thing about you. Don't get aggravated just because someone compliments you. It's a way of making a new friend or making your day. Being aggravated and argueing back just gives the compliment back to them and it's rude.

If you have anymore questions concerning this situation, please write back. Thank you.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: Hey, you give great advice. That's why I'm asking you instead of posting this for everyone.

Here's my story. My roommate who is 19 (I'm 17) has been in a relationship with this guy Aaron for about 4-5 months. I just met his younger brother Trent (who is the same age as me) about a month ago. We got to know eachother, and he'd come over with Aaron and we'd all hang out and do whatever. Well one night my room-mate and her boyfriend went to bed and I was hanging out with Trent. One thing led to another and we had sex. This was about a week and a half ago. I don't know what I feel, because I've never "just had sex" with someone before. The only other person I had sex with was my boyfriend of 3 years, we broke up about 6 months ago. Back to Trent though, since we had sex it's been weird. We've only talked on the phone a few times since then and he's only been over here twice since then, when usually he'd come like 3-4 times a week. That's my fault though, sometimes I'll tell Aaron to "not let" him come with him here. I just feel weird. I know he DID have feelings for me though, because he told Aaron he did. I also heard that he just got a new girlfriend, like a few days ago. WTH. I still like him, a lot.
Just today my room-mate/bestfriend broke up with Aaron. I'm not sure if this is the end or if they'll get back together (they break up and get back together a lot) but I heard their fight today and it was soo NASTY. It WAS BAD. So this could be the end of their relationship, hard to tell. Not to sound selfish, but if they're over, what am I going to do about Trent? I don't even know exactly what I'm really asking, but can I have your opinion on all of this and what I should do?
Another thing, the boyfriend I told you about, the one I havent spoken to in 6 months has been calling me. He was my first and only love, there's a reason why we broke up so I don't know if I should give that another chance. It's safe though, in a way. I don't know.
I know my thoughts are pretty scattered. I'm confused. Sorry it's so long.. please help me..

"K"

Firstly, thank you for asking me, I'd be honored to answer your question and give you my opinions on this.

Here's what I think happened: You were with this boyfriend for 3 years and just broke up 6 months ago. That is definetly not enough time to drain all of those feelings out and be with someone else. You probably had a lot of mixed feelings from this break-up and wanted to get rid of those feelings by getting with someone else. Honestly, I think you don't have strong feelings at all for Trent. You probably needed to feel loved and wanted by someone else since you weren't getting that for 6 months.

And let's say that you were over this boyfriend of 3 years and had true feelings for Trent: It sounds like Trent wanted the one thing you had given him so quickly after you met him. He hasn't been visiting as often, and you just found out that he's starting a relationship with someone else! That's horrid.

No matter what the situaion may be, you aren't over this guy of 3 years. Unfortunatly, it's going to be a long time before you actually are over this guy. Especially if he's your first love and you were sexually involved with him.

I think what you have to do is decide whether or not you want what you had with this guy of 3 years back or if you want to take a lot of time getting over him and then starting over with someone else when you're actually ready. I'm not sure what it is that caused you both to break-up in the first place, but you have to decide if it's forgivable or if you'll be able to handle it.

If you have anymore questions concerning this situation, please write back. Thank you.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: Hi there. :)
I was in my bfs room a few months ago and he left for a moment. On his computer desk he had a girls email address. Well, out of curiousity I decided to add her using a fake account. It was his ex girlfriend. Well we started talking and became "friends" She started to open up to me quite a bit and then started talking about this guy she used to go out with. Turned out she was talking about my bf, since I asked her his name.
Well, she was telling me that they still speak now and just yesterday he told her she's the only girl he'll ever love and no girl will ever come close to her in his mind. He apparently asked her the other night about "what if we hadn't of broken up?" and they decided they would be married now. They were engaged and he was going to buy her a ring and everything. I might add both were only 16 or so. They only broke up because of the distance, according to her. She does know he has a gf and she said she feels awful about it because she still likes him.

However a few things she said didn't make sense. She said his dad died, which is something I never heard about. He told me that they didn't talk much because they had an argument a few years back, but I think I definitley would've known if he had died. Also she said he was 19 and he's in actual fact turning 17 in a month. And she said he moved from Washington (where she lives) to live with his mom yet I know he's lived in Oregon all of his life.

None of this I ever heard about. We were friends for 2 years. We only got together now, because he didn't think I liked him. He said he would've rather me if he had've known I liked him, that he wanted to break up with her and go out with me but didn't think I wanted him. He told me he's never felt as strongly for anyone but me because he's liked me for years. He says he doubts he and this girl would ever get back together. But now I hear all this about his ex.. and I can't believe anything he's ever told me. She even sent me a song he wrote for her and I cried my eyes out.

I feel awful about doing this now and wish I could erase what I did and what I found out. Admittedly, it was wrong to do. I'm not sure what to do now though. Should I just leave it, or confront my bf about it and tell him what I did? It's really upset me. There's a chance she could be lying but I don't know. Sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading.

Well, firstly thank you very much for asking me personally!

Wow, I can't imagine how hard this is for you to know and find out all from this girl.

However, this isn't a situation you can put behind you and move on. Yes, it was wrong to have a fake account and talk to her. What you should have done was ask him who she was. Sure, maybe he might not have told the truth, but now you have to deal with too much information. What you need to do is come clean to your boyfriend about all of this and honestly end the relationship. It sounds to me that the fact that the only reason they parted was because of the distance is true. It sounds to me like he is not over this girl and he needs tons of space before he gets back into a relationship. It is a very common mistake to start dating people right after a bad break-up just to relieve the pain of this past person.

Now, I absolutely know how you are feeling when you think about recieving advice from someone who says that you should end this relationship. It's almost the worst feeling in the world, but the way you should see it, you deserve a guy whose not so connected to his Ex-girlfriend. And even if he was over her, he should never have a conversation about their past nor where do they tink they'd be right now if they were still together. He just should say that he's very happy where he is right now and that's with you.

You both have very big issues with relationships. You have a problem with not coming upfront and asking who someone is or trusting what he says. He can't seem to tell his new girlfriend that he's still in contact with his old girlfriend and you should have known without even asking IF you both are in a serious relationship. And it definetly does sound to me like you both were serious.

You aren't a bad person. He is just as guilty as you are and now you can see that he had been hiding a lot. But, the truth is that he had plans to actually marry this girl, he really was serious about having a future with her and that's a lot to suddenly lose when that kind of relationship is over. I'm not sure how long ago the relationship ended, but the only way I can ever see things working out with the both of you is if you come clean and decide to have him stop having contact with her period. You both would have to come to an agreement and learn to truly trust each other. But I really doubt that he will agree to that because he's probably not over her.

If he really is into you now and has no feelings for her, he needs to shut off contact with her and prove it to you. He needs to have you on his mind and E-mail you love letters and not her.

If you need anymore help concerning this situation, please write back.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: I've known my bestfriend since 7th grade (we're now both juniors) and we're the closest two friends can get and I love her to death.

Our freshman year, we'd always hear about this girl Meagan and how slutty and bitchy she is. Meagan is a grade ahead of us. Well, 2nd semester of freshman year my bestfriend had a class with her but only for about a week because she got switched out.

Last year, my sophomore year, I was in a class with her for the whole year and at fisrt I didn't like her because of the things I've heard but we started talking and she wasn't that bad. Yeah, some of the rumors were true but she was still a good, fun friend. Now we're really good friends. Not as good as my bestfriend and I, but nevertheless, friends.

So whenever I'm with my bestfriend, and I talk about Meagan, she gives me this disgusted look and talks smack about her. I tell her to shut up and not talk about people she doesn't know and then that's the end of it.

Meagan and I are going to a concert in July and I asked my bestfriend if she wanted to come with us because I know she likes that band. Well, she told me that if Meagan is going, she isn't.

How can I get her to stop being so judgmental and at least try to actually meet her?

Your friend probably feels strange about you being friends with someone who everyone calls a slut and so it probably makes her think that you're changing, and all you need to do is let her know that you've taken the time to know her so far and she's not all what everyone makes her out to be.

Also, let her know that you do still value your friendship with her very much and that you don't want to cause a war between her and your new friend. Tell her that you'd like for her to meet her first and then decide whether or not she wants to go to this concert with the both of you.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: My mom & I are really close. She loves my dad and they've been together over 20 years. Her very first love has recently passed away. They had a serious relationship when she was 17. (She's 48 now) She saw his last name in the death notices and she's been severely depressed for awhile now. She had a very involved connection with this man and I feel so bad for my mom. They hadn't talked in years & she doesn't know what he died from either. She really wants closure, but I don't know how to help her. What am I supposed to do in this situation?

Nothing stings more than losing someone to death. I know you care very much about your mom and she definetly does need help getting through the grieving process and there isn't anything you can say to make things right again. You'll never be able to bring him back to her and that's what would make things 100% better.

I think what you have to do is talk to your dad about helping her through this as a team. I think it's absolutely great that you care a lot for your mom and want to help her, but it's hard to be a child and try doing whatever you can to help someone through grieving.

For one thing, if she's crying, move close to her and hug her, tell her it's ok. Don't be afraid to ask her if she wants to talk about it and that if she does, then your door is always opened. Sometimes you may have to step back and let her have alone time to make sense of things. What your mom does to feel and get better is up to her. If she thinks therapy might be something for her, then support the choice and let her know that you're proud of her for taking a big step forward. Make sure you try to get someone in your family to help you find a plan that will help her through this.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: I am a divorced 48-year old woman with a ten year old child and her own business, who's not very close to her family. When I was 15, I had a baby, gave the child up for adoption and never lived with my parents again. (I am the eldest child.) They divorced shortly thereafter after a troubled 17-year marriage. I moved in with my grandmother (who was my best friend) and lived with her until her death, now more than 15 years ago.

Since then, with the exception of my father, who moved 3,000 miles away, my immediate family has done everything to treat me like I don't exist. It really hurt me but was a continution of the pain I experienced from them as a child.

My mother didn't attend my college graduation, wedding or anything important to me. She rarely has anything nice to say to me. She has refused to help me out financially. Family events came and went and I wasn't invited. My siblings come in and out of town and I am the last to know. Rarely were my phone calls were returned. Our few meetings are tense.

I did therapy after going through some personal troubles. There are a lot of things going on here, but I just want to know if my strategy of seeing to my own personal happiness is a thoughtful one.

I realize that to minimize pain I cannot accept responsibility for or control the actions of others. I have good relationships with my cousins now, but this means I rarely see or talk to my mother, aunts and siblings. It's too challenging for me.

But now it's affecting my 10 year-old. He complains he doesn't have "normal" family ties. What things can I do to minimize my own pain while at the same time trying to see to it my son has a strong relationship with my family?

PS--his grandmother has always tried to have a relationship with him and I never interfere or bad mouth them, but my son still complains...

Thanks for any help anyone can give me....

Well, I think it's great that you've got yourself involved in therapy. You really want things resolved and for things to be more together as a family and you want be involved in those family events. You sound like a very hard-working and stressed out mother.

I'm not sure if you've ever really tried to let your mom know these feelings and pain you're experiencing by not being apart of the family that much, but if you havn't, I really think you should. I know you may feel that your mother will shut you out and won't understand, but don't you think that maybe it's worth a try? I think that you should at least write a letter letting her know how much you miss her and that you'd like to catch up more often and see her more often and anything else you'd like to add, like your son's pain with all of this too.

Yor therapist can even help you through this if you really need support. You may be 48, but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for help and that you can't be upset and weak at times. Let your therapy time be your time to let it all out and just be all about you, leaving the rest of your time about your son and what you can do to help him feel loved and wanted by you. He may have a big family around him that loves him, but what will really affect his life is that you be his soft place to fall when he comes home and that you're truly proud of the little guy he is and that you love him very much. With this problem of not having that outer family support, he needs to know from you that he's accepted in your world and your family.

If things don't ever sharpen up with your mom, don't be afraid to try reaching out to your siblings or anyone else that may not be your family. What you have to realize is that it is your mom's fault that you don't have a stable relationship with her, not yours. You have tried everything you could and sometimes you just have to wait for that other person to make the first move after you've worked yourself up tired trying. If you are very concerned about your son's feelngs, then maybe you should consider letting him see a child therapist or something that can help him accept all of this like you have to.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: I asked a question before about my mother and how she's divorcing her 3rd husband--// Actually, they're separated but you KNOW it's leading to a divorce.

Well, my wonderful mother wants me to see a freaking therapist for the way I've been acting towards her and number 3 (irresponsible, disrespectful, ungrateful, demanding, blah blah blah).

SHES THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO GO SEE A DAMN THERAPIST NOT ME!! I KNOW why I act the way I do and I don't need some fag bag shrink to tell me. She's my problem. Who gets married AND divorced 3 different times by the time they're 36?? She should be seeing someone about that.

Plus I know the only reason she wants me to go see one is because I told her I wanted to move in with my dad (number 1) at least until number 3 is gone. Which he will be, soon. Then she'll move on to number 4.

So how do I get out of this??

Why don't you take a look at the other side of the coin to this situation.

My mom decided to have me see a therapist, and she'd always be telling my therapist about how she had been victimized and I was just flat out disrespectful all of the time which wasn't true.

So, basically my therapist was being brainwashed into two different stories, but later on I told my mom that I wanted to see her alone without her and ever since, I've felt like my therapist was always on my side and did whatever she could to help me talk to my mom or any of that. What I'm saying is that seeing a therapist isn't the worst thing in the world. Don't think of this as a way of your mom trying to make you get help. Be mature and let the therapist know what really goes on if she's not telling the truth and let your mom know that you'd like to see him or her alone.

Take it from someone whose been to a therapist, it's not that bad and it's like having someone who has no idea what really goes on and it's your job to let them know. It's not a family member or a friend that knows about your life. And that may seem a little scary, but I can promise you that it's way better than someone who might side with your mom because they know her. Think of this as a diary that you express to verbally, except this time someone is actually listening. A lot of people tend to make therapists like people who are rude and just uncool, but believe it or not, people actually be mature and try them instead of deciding what they are first.

The way I see it, theres no way to get out of this except to just go and tell the therapist your side of the situation and life.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: ok here is the thing.. me i'm 15/f he is 17/m me && him use to be really close but then when he got in with the "cool" kids it all changed.. he started doing all of these drugs... and we barely ever talk anymore.. if we do its fightin && yelling no just talkin.. he is drinking, smoking, doing weed, meth && sooo much more... && i dont even know the half of it.. but still it kills me just watching him do that to himself.. and i try to tell him that it hurts me probably more than it hurts him.. he just keeps doing them.. he practically tries a new drug every weekend at parties with his friends.. && it hurts so bad hearing about it.. && i dont even hear it from him i hear it from his friends...

but anyone knwo where im coming from? or what should i do? im soo confused... i know its not my life but still i care for him WAY to much =[

I'll be honest on this and tell you that I understand a little bit of what you're going through. You probably feel a little betrayed and extremely hurt ever since your brother changed.

The truth is that you won't ever be able to talk him into not doing drugs and changing back into who he used to be. It's not because he hates you now or doesn't care about you, he's being selfish and can only think about himself and his personal fun. If he's going to change at all, that is all in his power, and you have to absolutely remember that. Don't talk to him about it, don't try to change things or he will just completely shut out.

As for coping with this, the only way you can is to talk to someone if you need to or don't talk about it at all so that you can try minimizing the matter in your mind. The more you talk about it, the angrier you'll probably become with him. So my suggestion would be that everytime you feel angry or you begin thinking about your brother, get up and turn the TV on or do something that will keep you busy and keep your mind off of it. When you actually face him in person, don't talk about any of his drug problems and when a fight starts to get started, leave the room or go somewhere else where you can calm down and stay out of the arguement.

As for what his friends are telling you, let them know that you don't want to know what he's doing anymore when it comes to drugs and whatever else bothers you. You honestly have to just deal with it in your own way possible. I know it hurts watching a close sibling start going down a path that's ruining their life, but the only way to turn back is if they make that decision and they want to go back up that path.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: well i have never really done IT but im afraid too
i heard stuff like you bleed
it hurts
etc.

people think im lesbian because im to afraid to get sexual

and guys scare because there whores
at least around here
i mean once iget a boyfreind and trust him
sure
but im really scared

because when i do get one
im afraid because i have never really done any hardcore sexual things

WHAT DO I DO
this is really gross
but i have no one to turn for advice
its to embarrassing to ask someone in person

You're sweating over thoughts that shouldn't be crossing your mind yet. You've implied that you don't have a boyfriend, so I think you should rest easy until the time actually comes when you're ready to have sex.

I know these thoughts you're having and the fear you have can't really be stopped because of the constant thoughts of others around you, but sex is a huge part of life that can easy change your life in the biggest ways possible. It's so huge that you can't afford to care what other people think of your sex life or lack there of. If you have sex just because everyone thinks you're a lesbian, then you might be doing more than just proving that you aren't, you can get pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted disease.

My point is that you should worry about sex when you actually have a boyfriend and you begin thinking about having it. Besides, if you have a great boyfriend that will listen to your fears and slow down with you at your pace when it comes to sex, then those fears won't be as bad for you. But never try to rush yourself into getting a boyfriend and having sex to prove your sexuality or prove anything for that matter. You can be smart and have sex for the right reasons unlike everyone else that even cares to look into your personal life and judge you.

If your fear is bad enough, then before you have sex you should get tested for any diseases and let them know your concerns of the pain involved or bleeding. If anyone wants to answer your questions and keep you safe, it's probably a doctor.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: well, me and my boyfriend had been going out for almost 6 months, by the way i'm 14. and i thought things were going great, and out of no where he just decides that he doesn't want a girlfriend anymore. and we split. i cried for a few days. and i just can't seem to completely get over him. i just want to pretty much forget about him, and never socialize with him again. what are some things that could help me get over him?

Break ups are so hard to go through no matter how long the relationship lasted, so don't ever push yourself into thinking that you should be over him by a certain time because you will heal on your own as time passes by.

So the first step is to keep in mind that this is a process and give yourself as much time as you need to get over him. Everytime you cry, you are a baby step closer to getting better and feeling better. Don't be afraid to let yourself cry when you need to. Let your feelings and thoughts out, set them free. That way you can keep track of how much better you're getting each day.

Even though it doesn't feel like you are getting better, you are. Take things one at a time and you'll see in a matter of days that you are truly healing. Sometimes you might find yourself thinking of what you could have said or done to have made him not end the relationship. This is a phase where you are trying to make sense of the break-up. Don't let these thoughts and feelings of regret take over you. He's the one who decided that he didn't want a girlfriend, it is his fault that it's over.

The best thing you can really have during really hard times is to just be with a best friend or a group of friends. Keeping busy is the best too. As long as your mind is off into somewhere else other than him, it won't be as sucky for you. At first when you start to go out, you won't be feeling too happy, and that's ok too. There will be days when you're feeling pretty good and then sooner later you feel depressed. When you feel depressed, do your best to keep busy. Turn on the TV and watch something. Put in a favorite movie and watch it.

You shouldn't talk to him and always stay away from him as much as you can. You have yourself on the right track when it comes to that. If you continue to talk to him, then you'll probably never get over him. I just want you to know that it will be ok and you will get over him eventually. Even in the hardest times you're having, remember that you'll be ok and tons of people go through what you are going through.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 11 months. We are together almost everyday. My problem is, I hate when we aren't together. When he can't hang out, I get really upset and I like, minupulate him to come see me. I don't know what is wrong with me! I can never give him space. I feel bad and I try to change but I can't. How should I stop? Does anyone else have this problem? By the way- I would hang out with my friends but they are gone away for the summer.

When people get in relationships, they tend to cling up to that one person 24/7 or as much as they can and soon they'll come to realize that when they are alone, theres nothing to do and that person is their whole life.

Don't keep making this common mistake and start being with friends of your own and don't turn down any family or friend activities just because you can spend time with him. When you are without your boyfriend, you just think about how much you miss him and you start thinking that he doesn't want to spend as much time with you as you do with him and that's definetly not the case. You have to have life around this guy, don't make him your life. You have to occupy yourself with friends and family when you aren't spending time with him. Besides, there has to be at least one of your friends that are available. Think of a friend that you havn't talked to in a while.

-TheTeenGirl

Q: Is it normal not to masterbate? Becuase i am 15/f and i have never done it.

Masterbating is normal, but there is nothing wrong with not doing it either.

It doesn't matter how old you are, it basically happens when you start to get more curious about sex and everything that happens into that. So I wouldn't worry either way.

-TheTeenGirl

bio

My name is Erin and I am now 18 years old. You may realize through out looking at my column, some of you love me and some of you flat out hate me. There's really no gray area with me I guess you can say.

I haven't given advice here in so long and it's only because I got caught up in life. But I'm more mature than I ever thought I could be.
So anyway I'm here again. It's been a long time, but I still love giving advice and still plan on it in the future.

Everyone should feel free to Private Message me for advice, I can be harsh, but I'm always trying to help someone by giving them the truth they need.

About My Ratings:
I enjoy ratings. And if I ask a question on here, I always rate the person. If you work hard to give advice, you deserve to be rated.