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Painful Family Relationships
I am a divorced 48-year old woman with a ten year old child and her own business, who's not very close to her family. When I was 15, I had a baby, gave the child up for adoption and never lived with my parents again. (I am the eldest child.) They divorced shortly thereafter after a troubled 17-year marriage. I moved in with my grandmother (who was my best friend) and lived with her until her death, now more than 15 years ago.
Since then, with the exception of my father, who moved 3,000 miles away, my immediate family has done everything to treat me like I don't exist. It really hurt me but was a continution of the pain I experienced from them as a child.
My mother didn't attend my college graduation, wedding or anything important to me. She rarely has anything nice to say to me. She has refused to help me out financially. Family events came and went and I wasn't invited. My siblings come in and out of town and I am the last to know. Rarely were my phone calls were returned. Our few meetings are tense.
I did therapy after going through some personal troubles. There are a lot of things going on here, but I just want to know if my strategy of seeing to my own personal happiness is a thoughtful one.
I realize that to minimize pain I cannot accept responsibility for or control the actions of others. I have good relationships with my cousins now, but this means I rarely see or talk to my mother, aunts and siblings. It's too challenging for me.
But now it's affecting my 10 year-old. He complains he doesn't have "normal" family ties. What things can I do to minimize my own pain while at the same time trying to see to it my son has a strong relationship with my family?
PS--his grandmother has always tried to have a relationship with him and I never interfere or bad mouth them, but my son still complains...
Thanks for any help anyone can give me....
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You seem to be amazingly well adjusted, and you are absolutely right about seeing to your own happiness and not fixating on the actions of others which you cannot control. Your son will soon realize that there is no such thing as "normal" family ties, and he is lucky to have the mother and family members he does have to care about him. I know it does hurt you that certain family members don't want to associate with you and yet you are constantly reminded of this. It's good that you don't bad mouth them to your son. I would continue to talk to counselor, because you still are hurting over this and the wond is constantly being re-opened. You are doing great but there are still some issues. Maybe they can help you eventually get to a point where either you no longer have any feeling toward them OR find a way to establish some sort of relationship.
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I know you probably try to keep things all nice for your sons sake. It may be time though that he
knew the reasons why your family doesn't get along with you. Trying to make everything seem okay has its own stress that you don't need.
If your son then wants a relationship with your family he can be free to do so and still understand why it is you aren't actively involved. No need to bad mouth them, you know, just give him the facts.
Another option is having a real heart to heart with your mom and then siblings. Try to clear the air and get on some kind of civil terms with them all. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes its real hard for parents to admit them. Sometimes they never do. That doesn't mean you can't start over (if you want to) from right now and have a relationship of some sort. It may never be a "normal" Walton's type of family, but it could be better if all would cooperate.
Good luck with it. :)
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Well, I think it's great that you've got yourself involved in therapy. You really want things resolved and for things to be more together as a family and you want be involved in those family events. You sound like a very hard-working and stressed out mother.
I'm not sure if you've ever really tried to let your mom know these feelings and pain you're experiencing by not being apart of the family that much, but if you havn't, I really think you should. I know you may feel that your mother will shut you out and won't understand, but don't you think that maybe it's worth a try? I think that you should at least write a letter letting her know how much you miss her and that you'd like to catch up more often and see her more often and anything else you'd like to add, like your son's pain with all of this too.
Yor therapist can even help you through this if you really need support. You may be 48, but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for help and that you can't be upset and weak at times. Let your therapy time be your time to let it all out and just be all about you, leaving the rest of your time about your son and what you can do to help him feel loved and wanted by you. He may have a big family around him that loves him, but what will really affect his life is that you be his soft place to fall when he comes home and that you're truly proud of the little guy he is and that you love him very much. With this problem of not having that outer family support, he needs to know from you that he's accepted in your world and your family.
If things don't ever sharpen up with your mom, don't be afraid to try reaching out to your siblings or anyone else that may not be your family. What you have to realize is that it is your mom's fault that you don't have a stable relationship with her, not yours. You have tried everything you could and sometimes you just have to wait for that other person to make the first move after you've worked yourself up tired trying. If you are very concerned about your son's feelngs, then maybe you should consider letting him see a child therapist or something that can help him accept all of this like you have to.
-TheTeenGirl
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maybe instead of you contacting your family all the time have your son do it. Make your family feel like everything is for him and your family isn't doing it for you but for their grandson who they want to have contact with.
It is going to be very dificult to fix over 30 years of trouble but maybe with the innocent of your child they might open up to him more and in return try to open up to you. just always show you care. send gifts for birthdays and holidays even if you don't get a response back they might see you have changed.
and remeber it takes two to become one.. you have to keep pushing through no matter what they do or say for it to work out.. fighting back wont even solve anything
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