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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
A few months ago my exboyfriend and I split up after he cheated on me. I've forgiven him for his transgressions (for my sake, not his--hatred is toxic), but for some reason it still really bothers me that we have some mutual friends. I guess the vindictive side of me wanted everyone to turn against him after he hurt me. Why is this? How can I get these feelings to go away? I feel more anger towards my friends for still speaking to him than I do towards him for cheating on me at this point.
The Answer
Only time.
What you are feeling is completely understandably. When someone does something cruel to us, we often want that cruelty to define their entire lives. Unfortunately, it actually doesn't.
A person is defined by a hell of a lot more than then the nasty way they treated you.
The only thing you can really do is take a deep breath and remind yourself, although it's okay to feel this way for a while, it's not reasonable or fair. There will be people in this world, even your friends, who take some pleasure in this guys company, even though he was a total ass to you.
If you feel like you haven't opened up to your closest friends about what happened, or how deeply you've been hurt, they might be being insensitive to your boundaries with this guy purely out of ignorance. You might not be your friends any favors if you aren't telling them you are uncomfortable hearing about your ex - if you actually are.
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The Question
I have a friend who has a partner,but lately,he has been calling me a lot telling me how much he misses me when he doesn't see me for a while or how much he needs me,in the night when he's in bed he sends me several texts saying'I wish you were with me right now'or'I'd like to spend the whole night hugging you',plus he knows I'm in a relationship so I don't know why he would tell me all these things.All I can do is laugh and asking him to stop talking nonesense,I don't wanna be disrespectful either,because I appreciate him as a friend,what can I say to him? Thanks!
The Answer
He's the one who is being disrespectful, and your best bet is to tell him so.
Look, any 'nice' way you tell him to shove off, he is likely to interpret as more of the flirting that he is currently involved in. A gentle 'no' isn't a clear 'no'. You are going to need to be clear.
"It makes me really uncomfortable when you say things like that."
"I don't think it's respectful of either of our partners when you say those things to me."
"You might just be joking, but I do not think it's funny."
"If we are going to stay friends, you are going to have to stop that."
Be brutally clear, and don't just make one major conversation about - continue to stand up for your boundaries every time he crosses them.
If your friendship can't survive you standing up for you clearly asking for this kind of basic respect from him, then it's not much of a friendship to begin with.
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The Question
Does anyone know if its okay to go swimming IN A LAKE after i get my hair dip dyed? I would probably be waiting an hour between my appointment at the hair dressers and my friends house.
The Answer
You can never really be sure how recently dyed hair will react to lake water, or what is IN the lake water. Chemicals, or even natural minerals in the water can disrupt some hair dyes.
Personally, I would NOT take risk only an hour after my appointment.
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The Question
So the other one of my best friends gave me this troll link. When you click that link, you'll be redirected to a page with this screaming ghost girl and a scary bgm. Obviously I got scared. Afterwards she told me to go troll my other friends and so I did since it sounded fun. Most of my other friends got scared but laughed it off but when I gave the link to my other best friend, HE TOTALLY FLIPPED OUT. Like, I was in Skype call with him so I heard him screaming and throwing something. At first I thought he fainted or something so I called him a few times. Then he told me he just asked his maid to help close the page because he was too scared. Now though, it seems like he actually THREW his headphones to the computer screen and it broke. He told his mum (obviously) and didn't exactly tell her the FULL story. His mum is making me pay $1200 and obviously I'm mad. I said I'd speak to his mum one on one but I won't be too polite about it though. What should I do? And am I really at fault and should pay $1200? I mean, it's not like I threw his headphones at the screen.
The Answer
Talk to your parents and tell them they whole story.
What you did was cruel and unfunny. It was immature, mean-spirited and unkind.
You should apologize profusely for acting like a jerk - cause you did act like a total jerk - and never do something like this again.
Because you don't know when you are going to upset or hurt someone. You don't know what kind of fear or gross out will trigger in another person. So don't troll your friends with freaky or disgusting videos. You'll loose friends.
Should you pay the $1200? Frankly, if I were your parents, I'd force you to pay a portion of it to help you understand how very much you should not behave like this again, but legally, no, you are not at fault for him breaking his screen. You have no legal obligation to pay.
However, this really isn't going to be solved until you speak to your parents about this problem you are having with his mom. So get them involved. Speaking with his mother yourself is only likely to dig into a deeper hole. This is a problem for the parents to discuss.
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The Question
I met this guy named C.J. about 2 weeks ago. I have seen him almost everyday since and he recently asked me out on a date. The only problem is when i first met him i told him I was 22 (I'm really 20). the only reason i lied was because he is 29 and i didn't want my age to get in the way of getting to know this great guy. I also told him i had a degree in political science when in reality i didn't finish :/ (i dropped out 3 semesters short of getting my degree). i had no idea I was going to be seeing this guy so much and like him as much as i do. i feel so childish for having lied but i want to make it right but i need to think of a good way of telling him. Thank you in advance if you take a minute to give me advice:).
P.S. i have always dated older men and my parents are 100% on board with the age difference
The Answer
There is really no good way to tell him. The best way is simply "sooner rather than later".
So don't wait for the right time. Tell him the first moment you get alone with him. Or, if you are worried you'll chicken out face to face, sit down and write him an e-mail, right this second.
It's only been a few weeks, so it's very possible that you're relationship with this guy can get past this initial dishonesty, but it'll be more damaging the longer you leave it.
So just blurt it out, all at once, at the first chance you get. You'll earn no points by being delicate or careful, there is no good way to slowly reveal it. You'll earn points with total, unreserved honesty. So get to it.
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The Question
Seriously! And, I'm not even allowed to move out because my parents will get all offended, and it's not in their culture to have kids living alone. Plus, I clearly can't afford living on my own.
UGH. I've always wanted a kitten since I was a little girl. I found one last summer but my dad made me give him away.
What can I do to convince him?
The Answer
Move out.
I'm actually very serious. Attacking your father's 'reasons' for not wanting kitten is very, very unlikely to work. Sure, give is a shot, but it's not gonna get you very far.
It's his house. He's the boss. He sounds like he is pretty comfortable being the boss. Why would he change his mind? He doesn't want a cat in the house. It doesn't really matter too much why. This isn't a topic where people can be easily 'convinced'.
If you don't want to live by his rules, then you need to make a home for yourself, where you can be the boss. This is probably not something you can do tomorrow, it might not be something you can do for several years, but it's a goal you need to have in mind in there are things you want you cannot get in your parents home.
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The Question
My boyfriend hand a baby by someone else during the time we are together he attended all her classes, doc visit and birth i found out when the baby was 3 months
The Answer
I might have been able to forgive my partner for cheating on me, and ending up with a child with another women.
I could NEVER forgive a man for lying to me for months about the ongoing relationship with that women and the child.
So no. I wouldn't forgive that.
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The Question
My boyfriend, Tate is a freeloader. When we go to dinner with my family, he doesn't care about seeing them, he cares about getting a free meal. Last week, my cousins were in town and my aunt invited us to dinner at an italian place Tate hates. He always makes me make excuses for why he can't go when we go there. At first, Tate told me to try and make dinner at another place. I told him he might as well not go because if we scheduled it around him, my uncle wouldn't get to go and my cousins wanted dinner with their dad while they were in town. He
made me schedule it around him anyway so he could get his free meal and when it was still going to be at the italian place, he made me make an excuse for him again. Then my three year old blabbed the truth and embarrassed me bad, especially since the way Tate put it was rather rude and she repeated it verbatim. I'd rather him not come if he cares so little. What should I do?
The Answer
Not invite him.
Seriously. When you know he going to be an ass, he isn't invited.
I work in theatre, and that sometimes means going to show by friends and coworkers that aren't good.
I used to have a boyfriend who I did not always invite. He couldn't be polite. He wanted to come with me, but refused to just shut up and put up. He felt he had to share his opinion and he didn't have enough knowledge of the industry or my friendships to know how to go about it.
So he didn't get to come.
Sure, he got a bit hurt by this, but it's vitally important to me and my career, so I put my foot down. Behave or be not invited.
Your family is equally, if not more, important to your life.
So if he can't act appropriately, he doesn't get to participate. End of story.
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The Question
i dont know who to ask this but if anyone can help it would be great. there is a fan page on face book which is racist, abusive and content which should not be published. i have reported this page to facebook but they dont seem to care as i have had no response. these people have publicly humiliated my partner and alot of other people. they have made hundreds of jokes about dead babies, racist jokes and remarks and are extremely abusive. please would somebody advise me on what to do thanks a million in advance.... this is the link:www.facebook.com/KurtiSafc and www.facebook.com/DeadBabyJokes
The Answer
I also have to agree with DangerNerd. I saw a lot on those pages that was in very bad taste, but I didn't see any cyber bullying or harassment of individuals.
As someone who has used the Facebook Fan Page service quite a bit, I have to say there are actually a bunch of limitations on them designed to make it quite difficult for a fan page to bully individual people's Facebook accounts.
Facebook isn't going to ban anyone for bad taste. As DN said, if they revealed information about you or your partner, or engaged in harassment or hate speech you are going to have document the actual harassment taking place and if individual people are engaging in harassment, you'll need to report them, not just page they are doing it on.
Failing that, all you can really do is sign the petitions against these pages and ask others to sign them as well. And not post on the pages, since that is surest way to attract bullies and feed the trolls.
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The Question
So I will try and summarize this as thoroughly as I can without being to long. Im 21 my gf is 35. Everything has been going well. This past weeend we went on a quick trip as per her suggestion. ad a good time and came home ystrday.
After coming home we were both tired. And we texted some. She told me she was wathcing the movie "unfaithful" and "it was about good sex gone bad :(" and kept saying she "missed me" but then said "Where can this really go? Im scared of getting hurt or being hurt"
So I responded and we said goodnight..Today I texted her and she said "Not to think about last nights convo to much. and that she was just out of sorts"
what does all this mean? And how should I handle things? Id really liketo keep seeeing her.
The Answer
Tell her you'd like to keep seeing her.
It's not unusual to have doubts and apprehensions in a newish relationship. They aren't the kiss of death. Just be honest about what you feel and what you want.
All this definitely means is that she is human and has the kind of fears and concerns all humans have. It might mean more, or it might not. The only way you'll know is to open up about your thoughts and feelings and ask her about hers.
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The Question
I don't know if he means to be, but he has embarrassed me badly by saying things that hurt others' feelings. He insulted his teacher's daughter on the last day of school this past year when he thought telling her, "I like your sister" was a big compliment, even if he told her she should wish she looked more like her sister. She had come to eat lunch with her mom and when he continued with, "She's got a hot body and she knows how to work it" and made inappropriate remarks about the sister, he mad her feel so uncomfortable that she left the school. That's NOT okay, and when I heard, I knew she had probably told her mom all about it and she probably didn't like him anymore. I was sure of it when I heard he had gotten in trouble on the same day for calling a classmate ugly, I've tried talking to him, but he seems to just get worse, like he has zero empathy. Any advice?
The Answer
Punish him?
I mean, depending on how old he is, this is the kind of rudeness you can punish. This isn't 'chewing with your mouth open' rude. This is "You'll get your ass whipped by the other guys in a bar if you keep speaking to women this way." rude.
This is well with in your purview as a mother to punish, especially when you witness it yourself. If he doesn't get it when you explain it, remove privileges when he disrespects females around him. Make it clear he needs to stop, even if he doesn't get why.
Create consequences for this behavoir now, and talk to him about the consequences for this behavoir if it continues into adulthood (failed relationships, getting fired or passed over for promotions because you interact with women inappropriately, getting beat up by the other guys in the bar because you were a total asshole to some girl).
You might also look into therapy for him if you think he is genuinely having difficulty understanding empathy and the impact of his behavoir on others.
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The Question
I've posted an earlier question about being annoyed with the neighbour's kids because they keep coming over, and staying over at my house, and entering without knocking or anything.
Everyone has advised me earlier to speak to the parents, but I am extremely shy and I feel bad having to speak to the parents because I feel I shouldn't have to because 1) it might create animosity 2) i feel absolutely terrible
Just literally less than 5 minutes ago. I've had another experience that has me extremely annoyed.
The Answer
You do have to express your wishes if you want anyone to ever A.) know what you want or B.) respect your wishes.
And if you are teenager in your parents home, then your first job is to express yourself clearly to your parents, not to go confront the mother of these kids.
The whole "I shouldn't have to tell you! You should just know!" is a dangerous trap to fall into. It leads to even more resentment and confusion. Don't get caught up in what should be happening, take a deep breath and address what is actually taking place.
At this point, you the are bigger problem then these poor kids, who are only doing what no one has ever told them is not okay.
I understand you are pissed, but the adults in your home are the only ones ANY power to fix this. You and your family are being as much, if not more, of a doormat than their mother.
The answer is actually even MORE obvious than speaking to the mother. You need to simply enforce boundaries with the children.
You don't have to ask the mother's permission to tell the children the must knock. You don't have to ask her permission to tell her children to leave your home.
You could probably get the kids to knock by just asking THEM to please start knocking, and enforcing it as a household rule and not even involving their parents.
An eight year old can be told to leave your bedroom. Firmly and clearly. An eight year old is actually far more likely to listen to you, than to their mother. Take advantage of that, and start telling them no.
"No. This is no okay. You need to leave."
"No you can't come in here right now."
"No. I'm not playing today."
"No. You need to leave now and go back and knock on the door like a polite person."
You are being a doormat. Stop it.
You can bitch at the mom all you want about 'teaching her kids manners' but unless you enforce some basic manners when these children enter your home or try to engage with you, then you really have right to complain.
Stop making it all the mom's job to give the kids direction. You are right that she SHOULD be doing that, but she isn't, and they are in your home, so (and your parents if you are a minor at home) need to grow a pair and be clear about the boundaries. If their mother doesn't like the boundaries in your home, then she wont let her children visit anymore.
If no one in your home can handle placing boundaries on small children, or talking to their mother, than maybe it's time to simply tell them all not to enter your home at all.
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The Question
Hello, female, seventeen, going to be a freshmen in college. I had originally planned to be a teacher, elementary to be exact, then at orientation they said that special education is a good choice as well because the economy is in dire need of special education teachers. Now, I had my second orientation this past weekend and I had switched to special education. I came home and read about it after I sat through all the classes with all the info thrown at me and the number one thing I read is "if you want to be a special education teacher, your heart HAS to be in it because the pay is terrible". I also have to have 4 clearences before the summer is up, 20 hours of observation over a group of mentally challenged students, keep a 3.0 all 4 years of school (I'm an average student, not a genius but not F worthy, I get c's, so the 3.0 is stressing me out) and I can't get caught at parties or I will have to change my major. That is a lot of qualifications to follow just to be a teacher. I think that since I am second guessing this whole situation, that my heart isn't fully into it. Don't get me wrong, I love kids but I don't think I have to patience to be a special education teacher, I read while I was researching that it is a very rewarding job but I also read a blog of a special education teacher whom just retired, she said there was not a day of work where she was not stressing over something, a lesson, a student, a fight a student might get into and that scares me because I want to have fun at work, not worry about things such as that. The market for a teacher is also very competitive, my spanish teacher in my senior year of high school said one of the spanish teachers is retiring so they had interviews for a new one, 67 teachers were interviewed for one spot. Some school districts also only hire adults who graduated from their school, if that's the case, I can only apply to one school.. that's insane. I was talking to me brother's girlfriend who started off as an education major as well, she said she was so stressed about the major and could not live up to all the expectations that she switched her major to psychology, she wants to be a child psychologist; her father commit suicide when she was very young so she wants to be able to help kids who are going through tragedies in their lives, I think that's a noble job and that she made the right decision. She also told me with a master's in education, you are limited to job opportunities that a massive amount of people are trying to get as well. With psychology, she can get numerous jobs and still work around kids which is what I really want to do. So my questions are, do you think I should stay with my major? If not, what majors can I do that will allow me to work with children? What jobs can I get with psychology? Thank you for your time!
The Answer
Right now, in a lot of North America, there are more qualified people with teaching degrees than there are teaching positions.
It's really a bad time to be a teaching grad. However, that really might not be the case when you graduate in 4-6 years. There is no telling for sure.
That's why you were told to focus on special ed - because there are still jobs in special ed. Of course, the reason there are still jobs in special ed is because it's very tough work. The pay is similar to a normal teacher, but the work is more stressful.
If you aren't feeling it as a special educator, I do think you should do something more general, like psychology (although frankly, there is a good deal of science involved in a psychology undergrad). You'll have opportunities to specialize in the future.
Right now isn't so much about figuring out exactly what job you want. Right now is about figuring out what jobs you definitely don't want, and making the most of your education. You've got some good ideas about what excites you and you'll learn more about what is out there while at university. So don't panic too much. Stay with something reasonably general if you aren't sure what you want. You'll find out more as you go.
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The Question
Well,Im 14 and me and my boyfriend have already spoke about how we feel for eachother and how we want to spend our lives together,i know many say your too young to be thinking about it let alone discussing it,But we really love eachother and he said if we last a few more weeks he will propose to me. Honestly i don't know what to do,i mean i love him alot and weve been together for a while now but im not to sure how to react.i dont know wether to say yes so we have a long time to talk about our future or say no and deal with it when were a btit older.Any ideas?
The Answer
Honestly, you tell him no.
Because anything else would be a lie, and silly.
He might mean it to be sweet and caring, but it's really just careless to make a commitment like that at 14. You are both going to change a lot in the next 10 years, and you both deserve to make those changes. You might make them together, but it's not sensible to promise you will at this point. Most concerning, his willingness to propose at the age of 14 suggests he doesn't actually take a life time commitment as seriously as he should.
Maybe you really will marry this guy someday! Some people do live happily ever after with their high school sweetheart. But that is not going to be made more likely by getting engaged at the age of 14. It'll be made more likely by being honest and realistic with one another.
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The Question
I live in an apartment and it is against the rules to paint the walls. I am going nits and would like to add some sort of color...What about wrapping paper? I know it sounds silly but my walls are white. I need some ideas! Something not messy and will not damage the wall.
No posters please....I am an adult
The Answer
I don't think wrapping paper will work very well.
Artwork and Curtains are damn good ideas. I often used tapestry type blankets to decorate the walls of rooms I couldn't paint. If you can make holes, that's a very good way to go.
If you can't even make holes, I'd certainly suggest the fabric/cornstarch method, especially if you are crafty. I've done this a few times and made some stained glass type images with inexpensive fabric on the walls.
There is a really good tutorial here:
http://howaboutorange.blogspot.ca/2008/07/starched-fabric-decal-experiment.html
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The Question
I'm seeking advice from somebody that knows a little more about emulators.
I've got a Macbook Pro running on Lion OS X. I've downloaded Mac Boy Advance as a Gameboy emulator so I could play Pokemon Gold. Apparently it is the best program to have for Lion, however, whenever I try to open a game the program quits unexpectedly.
Everywhere on the internet it appears to work perfectly, so what I am I doing wrong?
Any help would be immensely appreciated! :)
The Answer
I'm not an expert, but since I'm not sure you'll actually find any experts on emulators on here, I'll toss in my limited experience:
My first guess would be your Pokemon Gold ROM is the problem, not the emulator itself. Try to find another version of Gold, or even try a Silver or Leaf ROM and see if you get the same issue.
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The Question
Hi. I know that I've put a similar question up before, so those of you who have read it, here is a continuation. For those of you who haven't read it, I will give a brief summary. I'm 21/f. Living at home and finishing college in December. My mom is obsessed with hair extensions. She makes me put them on. Whenever I don't want to put them on, she will throw a tantrum, including throwing, crying, throwing herself on the floor, etc. whenever i go to the hair salon, they are all telling her that i have baby fine hair and that i need it and everyone telling me that i'm so lucky to have a mom that buys me hair extensions. OBVIOUSLY... THEY ARE TRYING TO SELL AND MAKE MORE MONEY. My hair will ALWAYS be fine... and I am not ALWAYS going to wear extensions...
Apparently, now she youtubed how to put on extensions. And she wanted to put MORE on me. I finally stood up to her and told her that she wasn't going to put any more. That she already knew I felt about them in the first place and she keeps continuing. She locked herself in her room, crying. I tried to comfort her and told her I would put them on if she stopped crying. She said that she wanted me to leave her alone. This morning, she told me that she's never doing anything for me again. she's never doing my laundry or making me food. fine, i'm a big girl. i can do all that myself. the only reason i don't USUALLY do laundry is because it hasn't been my job. I do other things. I clean the house and I make food and feed the animals and stuff like that. But, it's just the way she said it and the reasons why she's saying it.
Obviously, this is very incorrect. What should I do about her? I don't want her to hate me or to be this mad at me for no reason. This really isn't a reason to be mad... AT ALL! So, please tell me what I should do. I already tried talking to her, and it doesn't work.
The Answer
I understand that you are upset that she is upset, but this is the moment where you do nothing at all.
Let it go. Let her be miserable. Let her cry and scream and slam doors.
IF SHE CAN'T BE HAPPY UNLESS SHE IS ABUSING YOU, THEN SHE DOESN'T GET TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE.
What she is doing now is exactly like throwing a temper tantrum. Like a toddler, she thinks if she behaves badly enough, you'll change back and give what she wants.
You are in a battle of wills. If you give in to her, it'll only get worse. If you really want to make a change in your life, you cannot change back to the way you were before. You have to stay the course.
It's not your job to make her happy. It was NEVER your job. It's horrible, irresponsible and cruel that she ever made it her child's job to be her dress-up dolly, to make her happy. Stop allowing it to be your job. It's not.
She IS completely incorrect in the way she is looking at this, but you can't fix that for her. She doesn't want you to fix it. What she wants is to control you. Nothing else is going to satisfy her.
She IS completely wrong to mad, but nothing you say will make her not mad. She wants what she wants. She doesn't give a rats ass if she is wrong.
The only thing you can do now is tell her the truth and live your life in accordance with the truth.
The truth is that she is completely and utterly wrong in the way she has behaved and has treated you.
The truth is that she has no right to control you in this way.
Live that, and don't back down.
If the truth makes her miserable, you can't solve that for her, and you should never have been expected too.
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The Question
So there's this guy and I have had a crush on him all of my life and now he has a girlfriend. Is it a bad idea to tell a guy how you feel even if he has a girlfriend that he really likes?
Thank you to everyone in advance!!!
The Answer
Some people will feel differently, but I strongly agree with rainbowcherrie:
It's rude and selfish to force your feelings on someone who is not avlaible.
Your confession can only cause drama and embarrassment. Be respectful and move on.
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The Question
I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 20. He means the absolute world to me. He is, hands down, the sweetest guy I've ever known. However, he's black.
My dad was perfectly fine with that fact that I had a boyfriend, until I told him that he's black. He won't even give him a chance. My dad knows that my boyfriend is important to me, but all he does is complain.
I told him that if he's just going to act this way, then I'm not so sure I want him around. He said that that was his plan and that if we ever get married or have children, he won't be there for us or for his grandchildren.
It's really upsetting me that my dad is doing this. I'm not too sure what to do. Help?
The Answer
Tell your dad he is being an asshole.
Really, what else can you do?
Tell him if he cuts his grandchildren out of his life over race than he is an awful person.
Tell him that you love him and want him to be part of your life and that you don't THINK that he is an awful person, but that his awful behavoir needs to stop.
Your father might not change, but at least you'll have called a spade a spade. It doesn't matter WHY your father thinks you shouldn't date a black man. It doesn't matter how much sense it makes to him to feel that way. What matters is that it is 100%, wrong. And if he can't see that on his own, you'll need to point it out, repeatedly and clearly.
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The Question
I do photography as a hobby. I started my own website and started to build my portfolio. My friend is a hairstylist and I asked her if she wanted she could do the hair, and that way she could have photos for her hair portfolio. She said fine. Then I asked if she could got to people's houses with me, kinda like an impromptu mobile photo op thing. She said fine. Next thing I know she bought a camera and wants to start taking the pictures. I said I wouldn't feel comfortable with that because I only needed assistance with the hair. I take the photos and I consider it to be an artistic exercise for me and having her jump around, rapidly snapping shots would be distracting and I would never get the shots I need. I much rather we keep our work separate if she wanted to be a photographer. I also don't want her taking credit for my creative concepts. For some reason she had it in her head we were partners. Why, I don't know. Anyway, she broke down crying saying she only wanted to help and she wasn't trying to take over. I said it would help me more her doing what I needed help with the hair. I said if she really wanted to be a photographer I can teach her a few things but I wanted creative control over my shoots because I do things a certain way. Anyway, she was surprised to find out, my pictures in my portfolio were edited. So she was upset at the fact she didn't know how and asked if I could edit her photos. I said I would do a few but if she was serious about photography she would have to teach herself and do the research. Take a class etc. (could possible be she thought she was just gonna mooch my business and be an instant photographer, come to find out there's more to it then just taking the pictures)
Anyway, now we are doing out first shoot together with a friend who is also bringing her friend. So she asked me if she could take pics of the other girl, not the model, while I am doing my shoot. I said fine, whatever, even though I told her before about me being the only photographer when I do shoots and then if she wanted help I would teach her a few basics at another time. Then I booked another shoot, which I don't need hair assistance on but she insisted being there and asked if she could practice. I said yes, fine after I get the shots I need. Then she says and then afterwards you gonna teach me how to edit, right?!? I didn't even know what to say at that point....So she continues...... I just want to help you so you don't have to edit all my photos!?! She seems sincere but I can't help but feel she is trying to learn all she can from me so she can mooch business or something....or is she really sincere and just doesn't know about boundaries. I don't know what to do anymore I am at a loss for words. I took classes, did 1000s of hours of work to get to where I am today and she wants me to just teach her all my tricks, without even doing what I asked her to do initially?!? She says she just wants to prove to me she can do more then just hair....but doesn't she see how crazy it is just to ask me to let her use my studio and learn everything she can from me....its like I can't book a shoot anymore without including her? What just happened?!? Now I have a partner I never asked for? I don't know what to do? Because what I say doesn't seem to get through to her?! Help Please!
I'm trying not to be selfish, hence I offered to help her a little....but I've had previous do stuff where they steal poems or songs of mine and pass them off as their own. It's seems like every creative thing I've done has been copied or stolen....so apart of me feels like shes just manipulating me to get what she wants....I feel like I had to put my foot down and tell her what i'm uncomfortable with....but apparently its not working...or she just has her mind set on the final goal which is manipulating me into teaching her everything so she can cut ties...is she impatient or excited....I don't know....
The Answer
Find someone else to help you with the hair.
She isn't getting it. She's might be manipulative. Or she just might honestly not understand the boundaries she's crossing. It truly does not matter which, and if you want to stay her friend, it might be best for you to assume she is simply clueless.
Either way, this partnership is not working. So you need to break up with her.
There are a few ways to dump someone. Personally, I'd go the direct but professional route: Let her know that you need someone to do hair. You are not at the point in your career where you can train or mentor someone else. So this isn't working. You are going to find someone else to do hair, and she should find someone else to mentor her as a photographer. Then stop inviting her to shoots. Stop giving her any information about where and when they are happening.
Frankly, I do think you are being far too paranoid, and that is going to feed into the stress and anxiety of all this. She isn't out to get you - she's not really competition at all at this point. You need to work on these stresses around collaboration if you are going to succeed as an artist. If you carry this attitude into every collaboration people are going to getting pissed and not want to work with you. No one wants to be treated like a possible thief all the time.
But just because you are unreasonably anxious, doesn't mean what she is doing is okay, and I think you are far past the 'talking to her' about this point. Now you just need to end it. She doesn't deserve a comprehensive explanation of what she did wrong. Just tell her it's not working for you, cause it isn't.
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