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Mom is out of control
Hi. I know that I've put a similar question up before, so those of you who have read it, here is a continuation. For those of you who haven't read it, I will give a brief summary. I'm 21/f. Living at home and finishing college in December. My mom is obsessed with hair extensions. She makes me put them on. Whenever I don't want to put them on, she will throw a tantrum, including throwing, crying, throwing herself on the floor, etc. whenever i go to the hair salon, they are all telling her that i have baby fine hair and that i need it and everyone telling me that i'm so lucky to have a mom that buys me hair extensions. OBVIOUSLY... THEY ARE TRYING TO SELL AND MAKE MORE MONEY. My hair will ALWAYS be fine... and I am not ALWAYS going to wear extensions...
Apparently, now she youtubed how to put on extensions. And she wanted to put MORE on me. I finally stood up to her and told her that she wasn't going to put any more. That she already knew I felt about them in the first place and she keeps continuing. She locked herself in her room, crying. I tried to comfort her and told her I would put them on if she stopped crying. She said that she wanted me to leave her alone. This morning, she told me that she's never doing anything for me again. she's never doing my laundry or making me food. fine, i'm a big girl. i can do all that myself. the only reason i don't USUALLY do laundry is because it hasn't been my job. I do other things. I clean the house and I make food and feed the animals and stuff like that. But, it's just the way she said it and the reasons why she's saying it.
Obviously, this is very incorrect. What should I do about her? I don't want her to hate me or to be this mad at me for no reason. This really isn't a reason to be mad... AT ALL! So, please tell me what I should do. I already tried talking to her, and it doesn't work.
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I've answered you before on this subject.
You have taken the first step to getting out from under your mothers control. What mom is doing is not hating you but trying to make you feel enough guilt to bring you back under her control. Don't fall for this.
You have stood up for yourself which is what I and others have told you to do. Stand your ground, your 21 a legal adult. Yes you live at home under moms roof and support. That does not obligate you to allow her to run your life.
What living at home obligates you to is helping out with house work and some of the other chores as you did growing up. If you work at a part time job you can if you wish contribute to some of the husehold expenses. If you do then at tax time you not mom gets the dependant deduction on the taxes; which she is entitled to while you are in college. That is the total of your moral obligations at home.
Mom does not hate you. She wants to live her life through you and having an independant daughter she can't control is what is upseting her. When you graduate hopefully you will have a full time job. If so you must move out if you ever want to permanently sever the apron strings from your mother.
Until then stand your ground, this is your life and you are entitled to it.
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I understand that you are upset that she is upset, but this is the moment where you do nothing at all.
Let it go. Let her be miserable. Let her cry and scream and slam doors.
IF SHE CAN'T BE HAPPY UNLESS SHE IS ABUSING YOU, THEN SHE DOESN'T GET TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE.
What she is doing now is exactly like throwing a temper tantrum. Like a toddler, she thinks if she behaves badly enough, you'll change back and give what she wants.
You are in a battle of wills. If you give in to her, it'll only get worse. If you really want to make a change in your life, you cannot change back to the way you were before. You have to stay the course.
It's not your job to make her happy. It was NEVER your job. It's horrible, irresponsible and cruel that she ever made it her child's job to be her dress-up dolly, to make her happy. Stop allowing it to be your job. It's not.
She IS completely incorrect in the way she is looking at this, but you can't fix that for her. She doesn't want you to fix it. What she wants is to control you. Nothing else is going to satisfy her.
She IS completely wrong to mad, but nothing you say will make her not mad. She wants what she wants. She doesn't give a rats ass if she is wrong.
The only thing you can do now is tell her the truth and live your life in accordance with the truth.
The truth is that she is completely and utterly wrong in the way she has behaved and has treated you.
The truth is that she has no right to control you in this way.
Live that, and don't back down.
If the truth makes her miserable, you can't solve that for her, and you should never have been expected too.
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Well, I would consider maybe getting an apartment.
I know it is probably a silly answer. Or maybe go find a place to stay. I am only 13, so these are definitely not very good answers. I'm sorry for that.
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