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Does my friend not respect my boundaries or is she manipulative?
I do photography as a hobby. I started my own website and started to build my portfolio. My friend is a hairstylist and I asked her if she wanted she could do the hair, and that way she could have photos for her hair portfolio. She said fine. Then I asked if she could got to people's houses with me, kinda like an impromptu mobile photo op thing. She said fine. Next thing I know she bought a camera and wants to start taking the pictures. I said I wouldn't feel comfortable with that because I only needed assistance with the hair. I take the photos and I consider it to be an artistic exercise for me and having her jump around, rapidly snapping shots would be distracting and I would never get the shots I need. I much rather we keep our work separate if she wanted to be a photographer. I also don't want her taking credit for my creative concepts. For some reason she had it in her head we were partners. Why, I don't know. Anyway, she broke down crying saying she only wanted to help and she wasn't trying to take over. I said it would help me more her doing what I needed help with the hair. I said if she really wanted to be a photographer I can teach her a few things but I wanted creative control over my shoots because I do things a certain way. Anyway, she was surprised to find out, my pictures in my portfolio were edited. So she was upset at the fact she didn't know how and asked if I could edit her photos. I said I would do a few but if she was serious about photography she would have to teach herself and do the research. Take a class etc. (could possible be she thought she was just gonna mooch my business and be an instant photographer, come to find out there's more to it then just taking the pictures)
Anyway, now we are doing out first shoot together with a friend who is also bringing her friend. So she asked me if she could take pics of the other girl, not the model, while I am doing my shoot. I said fine, whatever, even though I told her before about me being the only photographer when I do shoots and then if she wanted help I would teach her a few basics at another time. Then I booked another shoot, which I don't need hair assistance on but she insisted being there and asked if she could practice. I said yes, fine after I get the shots I need. Then she says and then afterwards you gonna teach me how to edit, right?!? I didn't even know what to say at that point....So she continues...... I just want to help you so you don't have to edit all my photos!?! She seems sincere but I can't help but feel she is trying to learn all she can from me so she can mooch business or something....or is she really sincere and just doesn't know about boundaries. I don't know what to do anymore I am at a loss for words. I took classes, did 1000s of hours of work to get to where I am today and she wants me to just teach her all my tricks, without even doing what I asked her to do initially?!? She says she just wants to prove to me she can do more then just hair....but doesn't she see how crazy it is just to ask me to let her use my studio and learn everything she can from me....its like I can't book a shoot anymore without including her? What just happened?!? Now I have a partner I never asked for? I don't know what to do? Because what I say doesn't seem to get through to her?! Help Please!
I'm trying not to be selfish, hence I offered to help her a little....but I've had previous do stuff where they steal poems or songs of mine and pass them off as their own. It's seems like every creative thing I've done has been copied or stolen....so apart of me feels like shes just manipulating me to get what she wants....I feel like I had to put my foot down and tell her what i'm uncomfortable with....but apparently its not working...or she just has her mind set on the final goal which is manipulating me into teaching her everything so she can cut ties...is she impatient or excited....I don't know....
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Okay, so I posted this and could not remember the log-in so I thought I would give you a little update. I cut ties from her professionally. So she took it upon herself to go behind my back poach my clients by offering lower rates. I was furious but then I got a glimpse of some of the work and it was a generic rip off of my work, so that made it kind of laughable. However, although I maintain some kind of acquaintance like friendship with her, I have noticed that she still mimics my work. I changed my shooting style entirely out of frustration of her cheap imitations, and she has done it again. Now she also changed her style to imitate mine, once again sigh...so short of changing my website domain so she can't find it...I am not sure really what else I can do...I have decided I am just going to have to live with it and accept it...anyway thanks for the advice, lesson learned...
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Sounds like your a nice guy and as the saying goes; "nice guys finish last."
If you wish to safe guard your artistic value and work I suggest you stop working with this friend. If you need a hair stylist either hire one or have the model bring her own.
I can't tell you what your friends thoughts are towards your creative abilities or what her intentions are. I can only tell you the best way to safeguard your work and abilities are to keep them to yourself.
The other day in the Dagwood comic strip two ladies wanted Blondie to cater parties for them. They would be the caters and hire Blondie to cater the parties they were hired to cater. They said only they would charge more. Blondie said no. This is what you need to say to your friend..
There are no short cuts in life. If she wants to learn photography and do what you are capable of doing then she must learn to do it as you did. Not to poach your experience and pass it off as her own. To do so is morally and ethically wrong, something that will eventually catch up with her. Though probably not before ruining what you are trying to accomplish.
So my advise is to stop using her hair styling abilities and stop helping her with photography.
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Find someone else to help you with the hair.
She isn't getting it. She's might be manipulative. Or she just might honestly not understand the boundaries she's crossing. It truly does not matter which, and if you want to stay her friend, it might be best for you to assume she is simply clueless.
Either way, this partnership is not working. So you need to break up with her.
There are a few ways to dump someone. Personally, I'd go the direct but professional route: Let her know that you need someone to do hair. You are not at the point in your career where you can train or mentor someone else. So this isn't working. You are going to find someone else to do hair, and she should find someone else to mentor her as a photographer. Then stop inviting her to shoots. Stop giving her any information about where and when they are happening.
Frankly, I do think you are being far too paranoid, and that is going to feed into the stress and anxiety of all this. She isn't out to get you - she's not really competition at all at this point. You need to work on these stresses around collaboration if you are going to succeed as an artist. If you carry this attitude into every collaboration people are going to getting pissed and not want to work with you. No one wants to be treated like a possible thief all the time.
But just because you are unreasonably anxious, doesn't mean what she is doing is okay, and I think you are far past the 'talking to her' about this point. Now you just need to end it. She doesn't deserve a comprehensive explanation of what she did wrong. Just tell her it's not working for you, cause it isn't.
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