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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
A very good friend of mine we will cal her. Ann helped me in an emergency financially. At first she denied me the money hut I got very upset with her and hung up on her she then called me back. Came picked me up gave me the money and said she took it from her husband account that she was limted to and she would deal with him later and gave mea hug. After that I texted her and she wouldn't anser me. I finaaly had her money to pay back and texted her and she called and said our friendship was over that ivlied about. The emergency and I caused problems between her and her husband. 27 years of friendship. I didn't lie and I can't make someone give me money. Don't undersrand controling husband. Am very sad
The Answer
You acted like a controlling friend.
True, you didn't 'make' her give you the money, you just threw a temper tantrum until she did.
You didn't force her to do it, you just punished her and blackmailed her emotionally until she did.
When you manipulated her in that way, YOU ended the friendship. Friends don't do that to one another. Friends respect their friends when they say 'no'.
If you care for her, let her focus on her marriage. It's understandable that she and her husband have decided that you are not welcome in their lives right now. Maybe he is controlling, but nothing you've said here proves it. She betrayed him and made a mistake, not talking to you anymore is a valid part of trying to fix that mistake.
Pay her back, leave her alone, and don't bully your friends into loaning you money.
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The Question
ok so im seeing (NOT bf/gf) this guy he is 19. and very much catholic.
When e first started going on dates he made it clear he wasnt interested in dating me, as he has a mental disorder ( really bad depression) and that he wasnt going to have sex with me because he was waiting till marriage. (although we have both already lost are virginity to other people). so its a few months down the track and he told me he likes me more than what he wants to. He came over to my aparment we started makeout and all of a sudden he was on top of me asking if it was okay to have sex with me. Not only did he not have a condom he had been telling me he didnt want that for ages. so i told him not to get caught up in the moment and think about it, be he persisted and we went ahead with it. ( don't worry im not getting pregnate i got the morning after pill). but im left thinking this guy tells me he likes me , sleeps with me but doesnt want to date me?? he is coming on camp with me soon to and he isnt seeing anyone else. maybe he just doesnt want to date me? suggestions, im falling for this guy :(.
The Answer
The only thing you aren't getting, is that this guy is not mentally sound.
I don't mean that as an insult, but that is why his 'logic' doesn't make any sense to you. He's not being logical. At best, he's confused and figuring some big stuff out, at worse, he's doesn't have it together mentally.
He doesn't know what he really wants. What he says he wants is going to change from day to day. That can be a very risky situation for you to put your heart in.
So don't worry so much about what he might or might not want today, tomorrow, or in the next 20 minutes. It'll probably change, and he might genuinely not be able to tell you. Give some thought to what you want, and where your boundaries are, and then tell him.
If he backs off because you are a real person, with needs and desires and boundaries, and he can't handle that, cry it out and count yourself lucky.
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The Question
So my FWB has been texting me everyday, wants to hang out all the time, invites me out with his friends (even when it doesn't involve drinking or partying), uses pda when we're together, wants me to sleepover, remembers things I say (even if they're insignificant), and his friends call me his baby girl.... I'm not quite sure if we are fwb or talking. Also I'm pretty sure he's not talking to any other girls because it seems like he's always asking me to hang out even before he makes plans. When we're together he does boyfriend-like things like hold my hand, put his arm around me, etc. Also when we meet up it's not always sexual. Sometimes we just cuddle and hang out. Is there a sign of something more or is this how all fwb situations work? Please don't tell me that fwb is slutty or bad or that I shouldn't be doing this, I just need an honest opinion. Thanks :)
The Answer
Ask him.
All relationships are unique, and FWBs are a kind of a relationship.
So ask him if you are curious or confused. But before you ask him, you might ask yourself if you want something more from this relationship, or even something less.
You are not at the mercy of whatever he may want. You can stand up and ask for what you'd like as well.
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The Question
Hi.. I'm 19 years old and I've been sexually active for approximately 6 months now. In this 6 months I took the morning after piLl thrice already. I know it's not a form of contraception but my boyfriend hates having sex with a condom and there's no way I can get the pill or be on the injection without my parents tripping. I was just wondering what's the worst that could happen if I keep using the morning after pill this much... Will it affect me trying to fall pregnant in the future?
The Answer
No one really knows how it will affect you in the long term. No one has really studied it yet. That is part of why it's not recommended that the pills be used in that way.
The most serious risks are blot clotting issues - those complications can be very dangerous - but are exceptionally uncommon and generally women know if they are at greater risk for those issues. The risk to your future fertility is, in theory, small. But really, no one knows.
And then there is the risk of failure. The biggest risk of the morning after pill is that is will not work. Morning After pills are not NEARLY as effective as regular birth control, be them pills or injections. Statically speaking, condoms are more effective in common use than the morning after pill.
Frankly, if I were you, I'd be giving by boyfriend a good verbal thrashing. My health is far, far more serious than his 'dislike' of condoms. Not to mention the expense and unreliability of morning after pills.
A man who is not willing to use a condom, if his female partner is not able to access or use another reliable and safe form of birth-control, is a man who shouldn't be having sex. Period. End of discussion. (Unless, of course, they WANT a baby.)
Are you okay with risking your health, and pregnancy, because he dislikes condoms?
Are you okay risking your health, and pregnancy, because you can't find ways to have fun sexually without 'penis in vagina' sex?
I don't think that's okay. I wouldn't accept it.
If you don't think that's okay, stop accepting it.
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The Question
My boyfriend went to a party last weekend and I stayed home under the impression that it was a boys night. Well last night I got nosy and looked through his phone. Come to find out I was invited and he told his friend that he was leaving me at home because I was a party pooper. When his friend asked how he proceeded to tell him that I don't drink, I don't know how to socialize, and that I would just cling to him all night and he didn't need all that shit. My feelings are extremely hurt. He has never even been to a party with me and I am one of the most sociable and independent people. I'm confused as to why he feels this way about me. We have only been together for three months. It is not serious on my end yet but he has made it clear that it is for him. This situation makes me want to leave him. I feel as if I deserve someone who won't talk about me like that. Am I overreacting or do I have sound cause to be upset?
The Answer
You need to talk to him. You've got a big problem here, although it might not be the issue either of you think it is. You aren't overacting, but you are 'reacting' to exactly the wrong issue.
YOU thinks he's over invested and serious.
HE thinks you are clingy and dependant.
One, or both of you, is out of touch with what's really going on here.
You are right that you deserve someone who doesn't talk about you (or think about you) in that way.
He also deserves someone who doesn't get nosy and go through his personal messages.
But those issues can be dealt with and moved on from. The big problem is that you are clearly not on the same page about what you want from the relationship, or about what is actually happening. If you want to be with him, you've got to get on the same page, and that means talking about how you see each other and what you want from each other.
If you don't want to be with him, then just end it.
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The Question
18/F
As a child my parents made me go to the church and as I grew older I grew to dislike the church, I don't believe in the religion and I decided to resign my membership from the LDS church, well a while back I sent in a resignation letter, It stated that I was resigning my name and all records and no longer wanted to be a member of the church, I also stated that they were not to contact my family members or other members of the church in this matter, I told them to no longer contact me either, saying this letter was my official resignation.
Well I received a letter today, it stated they were contacting my stake president, and my bishop, who would then contact me. I told them I didn't want anymore contact which they disregarded, in the letter they stated that I would suffer eternal consequences and said they would circulate the letter to the church leaders. They want me to go in and negotiate with my bishop, who I already spoke to on the matter. I am eighteen almost nineteen, I no longer live with my family and I feel like it is no one in the church's business or my family's business. I worry the bishop will contact my parents because my church is notorious for being blabber mouths, I want to know what actions I should take before I get to deep into this. If I were to take legal action if they keep contacting me or they contact my family how should I go about it. I want to do this as professionally and as quickly as possible and I don't want my family to know. I feel like they're making me jump through hoops. What should I do??
The Answer
Maybe you should tell your parents?
I understand why you wouldn't want them to know, and I completely respect that, however, if the core problem here is that your church is trying to blackmail you and bully you by threatening to inform your family, then the easiest way to remove the churches power, is to tell your family you've left the church.
Once you've done that, you can simply ignore anything the bishops send to you. They will no longer have any power over you.
You stopped being a member the moment they received your letter. You don't have to contact anyone else, or meet with anyone. You can get the police involved if they continue to contact you.
The only real problem here is that you don't want your family to know you've left, and honestly, the ship has probably sailed on that one. Even if it is illegal for the Church to tell them (and I doubt it is) someone will probably tell your family. Maybe even already has. That is how most religions operate, and the LDS is particularly notorious for abusing and 'outing' ex-members in this way.
You might be best off connecting to a group that supports ex-Mormons when it comes the legal questions. Google will bring up a bunch of ex-moron support groups and information. I suspect there is no legal way prevent the Church from contacting your parents about your membership. Churches have a lot of ways to circumvent normal privacy and confidentiality laws.
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The Question
Okay, so ive always been this happy , never mean cheerful girl. Sometimes i would even keep stuff to myself & let people step over me.. All of a sudden ive been speaking my mind alot & all of a sudden the friends i usally hang out with are really annoying me. I dont even feel happy anymore. Ive been in a mad/sad kind of weird mood. I've been judgeing people alot. I dont like that. Its like i turned into a whole diffrent person out of the blue. I have so much bottled up in me. I dont feel like i can talk about this to anyone. I dont even feel like i have friends honestly. Sometimes i just feel like crying but i dont because i keep telling myself that theres no reason to cry. What should i do not to feel this way? ): btw im 16
The Answer
Congratulations!
You are smart enough to actually notice yourself maturing. And yes. It kind of sucks sometimes.
But others have said: This is really very normal. Most people just don't notice it. They make excuses like "My friends turned into jerks!" or "I'm PMSing." instead of actually noticing that what they want, and how they think about their life, is changing.
So you can't make the feelings stop all together, and in the end, you probably wouldn't want to. These feelings are part of learning who you are and what you want. It is confusing, by definition. It takes times to sort out. It can suck when you are in the middle of it. But if you take the time and let yourself feel what you feel, and learn to manage and respond to those feelings, you'll end up far happier and healthier on the other side of it all.
And you can manage and respond to the negative aspects of this. You can take care of yourself in whatever ways you find help you feel balanced and calm. Maybe that exercise, maybe it's video games or books, maybe it's art. Whatever it is that helps you feel at peace with you. Make sure to make time for that kind of self-care.
You can learn to take a deep breath and show people respect even when you are not in the mood. This is a life skill everybody learns. You can find new ways to connect with people (and maybe new interests or clubs to help you find these new people).
I know I'm not providing you with any solid answers to your problem here - that's because there really aren't any. As much as it's true that everyone goes through this, everyone's answers to managing it are different. You'll figure it out. It'll suck sometimes, but you will figure it out.
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The Question
My boyfriend Brian and I have dated for a year now. Everything in the realationship is great and everything but there's one thing that my parents and myself worry about: the drive to work. We worked at the same supermarket for a month then he quit because he said that he felt stressed there. U wasn't going to argue with him if he felt that way so he quit. But I worried that in the future if and when we take a further step into the.relationship if he's going.to still lack that drive to work. I love him, he's such a sweet guy, romantic respectful everything. And he tells me he wants to work but when he applies no one ever calls him.
What should I do??
I don't plan on breaking up with him...
Help
17/f 18/m
The Answer
You should keep your eyes open and remember that if someone doesn't want the kind of life you do, then that someone isn't the right long-term partner for you.
I'm not saying 'Break up with him'. You are both still quite young and there could be other things going on here (depression, other education goals, 'finding oneself') that are obstacles or periods that will pass for him.
But if they don't pass - if this becomes a permanent state - then that is probably a deal breaker for you. We can't live off of romance alone and it's not respectful or sweet to expect someone else to provide for you.
Frankly. You should also speak to him about this.
It's perfectly possible to ask him about what was stressing him and the value of staying/quitting without 'questioning his feelings'. Of course his feelings are his own, but you are his girlfriend - one of the closest people to him in his life - and he actually might need you to ask some clear questions about his choices to help him reflect on them himself.
Loving someone and being in a relationship doesn't mean just sitting back and watching what the other person does. It also means speaking up for what you want in life, and what you are seeing and experiencing. Respecting someone doesn't mean automatically agreeing with their every choice, or never talking about your concerns about those choices.
Yes, it's very difficult, and very delicate, to tell someone you are concerned about their goals and their choices, but living in confusion and resentment can be much worse.
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The Question
So I reached out to my ex,we've been broken up since july 2011-she dumped me,just to say what's up and surprisingly we have been talking/texting everyday now going on 2 weeks. But it seems like everytime I tell her something sweet I.e. I still love you,I remembered it because its about you,or that's something about you that I fell for, etc..there is a noticeable halt in her response. Like I won't hear from her for hours and when she does respond its something completely different than where we left off. Is it a coincidence she gets busy/distracted when I happen to say these things or am I making her uncomfortable or is there some underlying thought that she may have the same feelings and just doesn't know how to respond??
The Answer
It's not just a coincidence. It's far more likely she is trying to 'not be mean' by telling you she simply isn't interested.
You've given her an opening and been clear about your feelings. If she felt the same, she could feel pretty confident speaking up.
She doesn't feel the same. I can't read anyone's mind, but I can pretty much guarantee this.
If you want to be her friend, say so.
You might also want to straight up ask her if A.) She wants to get back together with you or B.) she wants to be your friend.
The answer to A.) is almost definitely no and if you keep pushing her with your feelings for her, the answer to B.) might become no too.
Decide what it is you want from your relationship with her, then ask for it. Let her say yes or no clearly.
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The Question
14/f
Does anyone know a Pimp in New York thats looking for hoes. I want be a prostitute, but I cant find a pimp. Please dont judge me. Thanx
The Answer
No one here can give you this advice, because its illegal.
Prostitution is illegal in New York, and prostitution at the age of 14 is illegal pretty much everywhere.
I think people should be free to choose to buy and sell sex, but anyone who buys or sells sex from a minor is a monster and an abuser. Keep yourself safe. If sex work is something you want to do, there is lots of time and much safer ways to go about it - when you are older and can engage in it legally.
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The Question
Hello, 18, female, freshman in college. There is this boy in the dorm next to mine that I find attractive. We start class and end class at the same time but are in different lectures so usually I see him walking to or walking back from class. Well, before Hurricane Sandy struck and we were off school for three days, I saw him leaving his lecture and walking back to his dorm. So, I picked up my pace a little so that he'd at least notice me. When I was right behind him, a girl obnoxiously screamed so he turned around to look at her and dispose of his cigarette. Well, he looked at her and while turning his head to look forward again, he caught sight of me and he did a double take. I hope in a good way, at least. Then today, I saw him again. He's usually late leaving class, I don't know why he's been so early lately but anyway, I picked up my pace again and this time, I was next to him. I saw him look at me a few times out of the corner of my eye so I walked a little in front of him to see if he'd do anything but he didn't. It makes me think that's he's shy, too because he's usually alone and when he isn't, he's with the same four friends. I don't mind that he isn't some popular dude with 39526 friends because, like I said, I'm shy, too. But, how is anything supposed to happen if neither of us will do anything? I'm not the type of person to just go up to him and start talking about random nonsense and he doesn't strike me as that type either so I don't know what to do or even if he is interested because all I can go off of is how many times he looks at me.. I need help trying to deal with all of this. I want to, at least, be his friend but believe me when I say that I am shy so please don't message me saying "just talk to him, it's so easy!"
The Answer
Just talk to him!
It's not easy, I get that, but it is what you need to do.
You don't even know this guy. You know almost nothing about him at all. You aren't even at the 'make the first move' stage yet, you are at the 'akwnowledge he exists' stage.
Say good morning. Say hi. Or, just fricking smile at him.
Once you do that, we might be able to give you a bit of advice, but right now we have nothing to go on, and neither do you.
So don't stress yourself out. Just say hi. Just smile. He's seen you around. The first step is just acknowledging each other exists. If you can manage that, you'll actually be on to something.
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The Question
My name is David and I have a girlfriend named Tiana and where both 16 and are both virgins.
Just to let you guys know me and Tiana used to be best friends for 4 years and now we've been together for 3 months and I know that I truly Love her and she means the world to me.
Tiana is the kind of girl who is sometimes insecure about herself ( idk she is very beautiful ).
About a week ago she asked me if I wanted to make Love to her. I asked her "are you sure you want to do this?" And she said yes so we where kissing eachother, I was taking my shirt off when out of nowhere she started crying and mean CRYING. She told me she wasn't ready but she didn't want me to Dump her, Like WTF did she come up with this. I told that I didn't want to have sex if she wasn't fully comfortable with it, but she didn't believe me and said that if she didn't have sex with me then I would leave her or I would cheat on her.
She keeps telling that's she's ready but I can see that her eyes where red and puffy from crying and also she was too afraid of to look me in the eye.
Just Two nights ago we arrived at my home at about 10:00pm after I took her on a date, I was warming up the leftovers from the restaurant in the kitchen and Tiana was standing behind me with her shirt off ( still had her bra on though )and demanded that we have sex to save our relationship, I calmly took her hand and said "I love you and I will not have sex with you unless you are comfortable with it" and she started Crying and slapped my face and screaming that I don't Love her and that I think she's Ugly, and ran upstairs and locked herself in the bathroom. Eventually she came out and went to sleep in my bed while I stayed up almost all night thinking about what had happened and I eventually went to sleep. In the living room on the floor.
SOMEBODY Please Help me! I can't stand seeing her like this, it breaks my heart to have her think don't love her. She won't listen me and she keeps saying that I'm ginna leace her but I'm not! I need advice on how to convince her that I love and don't care only about sex.
The Answer
Tell her the truth.
Not the 'I love and you I don't want to have sex with you.'
That's good, but the more important truth is this one:
"You are behaving like a crazy person and you are frightening me. I care for you but you are never going to have a healthy relationship, with anyone, until you get this behavoir and thoughts under control."
And tell her to seek therapy, because this isn't normal. She's clearly in pain, and it's not normal, or necessary, for her to be this confused or miserable. This is not 'normal girl insecurity' at all. This is an inability to behave reasonably or respectfully to her partner that is making her physically sick, and even violent. This needs therapy and intervention to be addressed.
The truth is that if she doesn't address this behavoir you two will break up eventually. You can't be with someone in the long term who flies into fits and slaps you. Her behavoir will end this relationship, and it's possible that the kindest thing you can do for her, is tell her as much.
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The Question
Simple advice.
I was out with my boyfriend this past friday and felt a bit out of place when a female friend of his interrupted our conversation and basically stared him in the eye for what seemed awkwardly wrong... she then took her finger rubbed his chin and told him that she would talk to him later.
upset i told him to take a walk with me, and after asking 8 times without him even budging, i turned him around towards the door and pushed him outside. When outside, I shoved him several times and made him trip and fall... after that i walked away crying because i couldnt believe he made me feel so out of place.
Im writing because it has been 6 days and he still has not tried to reach out to me. Usually im am the one who takes the initiative to work things out but im tired of being the one to "chase". What should i do?
The Answer
You shouldn't put your hands on your partner in anger. It's violent, and scary, even if he's bigger and stronger than you.
That, unfortunately, has to be the first thing I say. That's really never okay.
As for what you should do about the relationship, you should probably end it. There isn't nearly enough detail to go on here, and I can't know about your past chasing or his other behaviour, but you sound like you are done. If he's okay with a woman behaving this way towards him - with no explanation given - then he probably feels you are done too.
Make it offical and break up. (If you really want to take the high raid, apologize for shoving him while you are at it.)
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The Question
there is this girl at my college, she's so hot, red headed, and extremely nice and kind to me,I think I have a crush on her. I see her around and she's also at this math tutoring center which I sometimes go to even if I don't need help. Would it be OK if I secretly took some high quality pictures of her and even video tape her with my Iphone without her knowing so I can have some nice pictures and videos for my own personal satisfaction? Or is it illegal?
The Answer
Edit in response to feedback
I'm not pretending only guys do this. I'm talking to YOU, a guy, who doesn't seem to understand why this is completely wrong. I thought if you considered females in your life and their emotional response to what you were considering doing to another women, you might be able to see why it's wrong.
Most human being can understand things better when you put in it personal terms for them.
Do women abuse others?
Yes.
Are you a woman?
No.
Am I addressing YOU, a man, who is considering stalking/invading the privacy of/engaging in criminal voyeurism of a young women?
Yes. I am.
Is what you are considering doing okay?
No. It's not.
Does your lame attempt to imply reverse-sexism because of my use of gender-specific pronouns in my comments make your suggestion of stalking your classmate any less wrong?
Nope. You are still wrong.
You could remove all gender specific pronouns from my advice, and I'd still be right, and your idea of taking photos of this other person for your "personal satisfaction" would still be abusive, morally wrong, and possibly illegal.
___
You are wrong. This is abusive. It's immoral and it can be illegal, and can fall under stalking, voyeurism, or invasion of privacy laws, depending on which country and which state you live in.
The other person who answered you was half right. You can photograph people in public EXCEPT when a person has a reasonable expectation of privacy and a reasonable supposition they are not being photographed. You cannot take multiple photos, clearly featuring the same person, without it crossing the line to stalking, voyeurism, or invasion of privacy. It doesn't matter WHERE you take them, it's not okay.
Your college campus is not public property under these laws regardless(not even if it's a public institution, please trust me on this, I work in education marketing - I know what photos can be taken in education institutions and what photos cannot be) and this young women is not walking down the street in Manhattan or at a tourist spot, where she might reasonably expect to end up in the background of some photos - she's attending class, where she has a reasonable expectation that she will not be photographed or, ya know, stalked.
The courts will take your intent into account. They will recognize the difference between someone taking street photos where this woman happens to be, and you stalking her to get images you want to wank off too.
The first one is legal, and the second is not.
If you get caught doing this, you could be charged. You might not be convicted, but you are very likely to be charged, and almost definitely kicked out of college. You don't have to be convicted for the college to practice zero tolerance, and kick you out for this kind of behavior.
Although frankly, I'm more concerned by the fact you don't recognize that using a woman's body in this way, without her consent, is immoral.
Why would you do this to a person who has been nice to you, who you claim to like? Why wouldn't you respect her and make the rational assumption that she doesn't want her body to be photographed for your sexual pleasure? How would you feel if a man did this to a female family member or friend of yours? How you feel if they noticed it, and were crying and scared that someone was following them around with a camera, or worried that this person they didn't know very well, who would cross the line by taking photos of them, might also cross the line in even more threatening ways?
What would you tell them? Not to worry. That it's harmless. That they shouldn't be hurt or scarred that someone is using images of their body in this way.
Do you think she WANTS this? That she would be okay with it?
If you believe that, why not ask her permission, and find out. If she's cool with it, maybe she'll strike some nice poses for you.
But, of course you aren't going to ask.
You aren't going to ask because that would be creepy and mean, because people would avoid you in the future when word got around that you wanted sexual photos of a classmate.
You also aren't going to ask her because part of what you want from this is the power of invading her privacy and controlling her image for your own pleasure.
I understand why you might think of doing this, and I understand why you might wonder if it was okay or not.
However, once you actually think about it, you need be a rational and respectful human being and recognize that it is clearly not an okay thing to do and stop trying to justify doing something that you know is wrong.
___
Most of the way you might go about doing this are definitely illegal. It's legal to take photos of someone without their knowledge IF they are not the primary focus of the photo and are In a public place where they may fairly expect to be photographed.
Taking photos of people without their knowledge to get off too, is not legal.
But here's the even more important bit:
It's also immoral, unkind, creepy and completely wrong.
No woman's body exists for your own 'personal satisfaction'. To use images of her in this way, without her permission, is a barbaric abuse.
Do not do this. It's not okay. It's a disgusting, horrible form of abuse. You have no right to use her body or image in this way.
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The Question
i know he has another grlfnd.i quarelled him alot of times.but nthng of use.he says i'll marry only u.but he asks to be happy with him irrespective of wat he is doing.but how can i forget about her and be happy with him.how to make him happy and how to attract him more.and how to make him forget about dat grl.and how to make him feel that iam good for him than that girl?plz suggest me what to do?..plz
The Answer
Dump him.
He doesn't want to be with JUST you.
He's told you as much. It doesn't matter what you do. He doesn't want just you. He wants you AND anything else he feels like. Including other women.
Right now, you are giving that to him. So he doesn't have a problem. He's getting everything he wants and you are sitting here wondering what you can do to convince him to want just you.
What about him convincing you that he is worth being with? That he is someone who can make you happy? Are you happy that he's out with other women?
If you are okay with that, then great. If not, end the relationship.
He's already told you he isn't going to change.
If this arrangement isn't good enough for you, leave him.
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The Question
Hello everyone. I would like to know if it's right or wrong to live together before marriage? What are the reasons of why it's right? What are the reasons of why it's wrong? My ex that I just broke up with told me that she would rather wait until marriage to be living with her lover. I however would rather live with my future wife before marriage if possible. It gives me the chance to see how they normally live and how we can fix issues we don't like about each other. Her reasoning of why she didn't want to live together is because it states in the bible that living together before marriage is wrong. I too am religious, but disagree with that fact in the bible. But I know that once once gets married, your stuck with that person for good. I don't want to ever get divorced and my ex also doesn't believe in getting divorced either. But that wasn't the reason she broke up with me. We broke up because it did seem like the relationship was moving too fast and it seemed like she wanted to get married sooner than later and she was very clingy at times which I hated and she was offended when I would say that to her. She however has been in a couple abusive relationships and had other abuse to her in the past. As a result of the abuse, often she would whine about stuff quite frequently too.
The Answer
It entirely depends on your beliefs and values.
Statically speaking, couples who live together prior to marriage have lower divorce rates and lower incidents of domestic abuse... So one might argue that living together first is a good idea, but it doesn't matter what the stats say if that isn't how someone wants to live their life.
Most faiths value sexual purity AND a larger level of commitment than 'just living together' so I can understand why your ex felt that 'just living together' wasn't compatible with her faith or her views of marriage.
It certainly sounds like this wasn't the right girl for you. You found her irritating, and she didn't share your opinions on how relationships should work or grow. Living with her (or marrying her) would have almost definitely been a bad idea.
This is a conversation to have with the person you actually do want to live with and/or marry.
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The Question
So basically there's this guy that I work with that I've gotten pretty close too. We talk all the time and goof around. We eat our lunches together and take all of our breaks together. We're always together at work and he waits for me in the mornings and at night and walks me to the car and we even cook each other things and ask each other if we want something at restaurants that we're at and stuff. He also gave me his number (without me asking) and we text when we are out of work. He doesn't straight out flirt with me but like I said we goof around and he'll playfully touch me sometimes. Today I let it slip that I wanted a bag of bugles out of the vending machine out of work so he immediately got up and went to buy them and I playfully jumped in front of the vending machine so he couldn't get too it and he kept putting his hands on my arms and picked me up and moved me out of the way while laughing and bought me the bag of chips.
He pretends to get upset if I walk too fast because he wants to walk with me and like I said he always waits for me. He even stayed 20 minutes after work once when I was talking with my manager so he could walk me to my car.
Well I added him of fb earlier this week and noticed right away that he had a girlfriend (who he's been with for a year and a half)...I was really upset about it but I figured maybe he just forgot to take her off and hadn't been on facebook in a while since the last post she put on his page was on the 4th of September.
He NEVER mentioned he had a girlfriend and I was starting to view him as more than a friend...I mean guys don't usually do all of those things for you unless they think of you as more than a friend right? Well I also noticed she was still in high school which I thought was odd since he specifically said before that he "had" (like he wasn't in a relationship) two girlfriends during his time in high school and that he was done with those sort of girls. Plus he's 23 so he's long graduated and I'm thinking why is he with a high schooler? He never mentioned her not even one time he never talked about ANY other girl in fact. Which is why I was so thrown off when I found out.
Well today he was talking about some pretty reckless things he'd done while in high school and I said "Is your girlfriend alright with you having done those things?" just in a normal casual tone and he just got silent and said "Yeah she doesn't have a problem with it" after a moment and then a couple minutes he said "I didn't really want "people" to know that I had a girlfriend..." So of course I asked why and he said "I don't know just because I didn't."
The more I think about it the more I feel a little played.
I also feel sort of aggravated and angry about it but the stupid thing is I'm angry with his girlfriend. I feel like she shouldn't be his girlfriend and I know that's arrogant of me but he spends NINE hours a day with me,talking to me,goofing around with me,waiting for me,SPENDING TIME WITH ME. Not her. I really sort of feel like crying because I feel so stupid about it but maybe I'm overreacting.
As this point I'm not sure what I should be feeling.
Am I being played or is she being played?
Should I hold out and see if he breaks up with her?
The Answer
Both of you are being played.
Without question. Without doubt. Any other answer to that question is plainly stupid.
You are both being made fools of by a guy who might not MEAN to be a asshole, but who is behaving that way, even if he doesn't really mean to do it.
He's been dishonest with both of you. And frankly, at 23 he probably knows exactly what he is doing when he fools around on girls who at this much younger than him. He knows what messages he was sending you, and felt guilty when he got 'caught' and had to admit that he had a girlfriend (Who he wants to keep a secret? Real mature. Real respectful.)
I understand why you might feel upset with her, it's normal to feel jealous, but you need to understand that HE is the one who is screwing you over. Whether or not she is good girlfriend, or horrible, doesn't matter! She's a human being just like you and he's fooling around with the both of you for his own pleasure. Neither of you did anything, or could have done anything, to deserve being treated like crap by this guy.
And he is treating you both like crap.
You can feel whatever you feel. Feelings can't be helped. It's okay to be hurt. You might still like this guy. You might still feel jealous and annoyed. That's fine.
But check your actions - those you can control, and you should. Because when just do whatever you feel like, you end up a two-timing piece of dirt like this guy.
What you should do, is end the friendship/flirtation with him, and no - you shouldn't go out with him if he breaks up with her either. How the hell could you trust he'd really ended it with her? How the hell could you trust there wasn't someone else? How the hell could you think he wouldn't treat you like 'the other woman' again?
You never could trust him - and you shouldn't. That would actually be stupid.
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The Question
I really like this 13 year old boy, I am a 11 year old girl but he likes me too(bf, gf way) he grabs my ass and wants to kiss, he also puts my hand on his dick. Should I make out with him? Only problem is other 13 year old boy likes me too and we all live on the same street and hang out alot. What do I do?Also please don't give me any of that choose who u like and follow ur heart junk!
The Answer
Honestly, you should tell your parents that this boy is assaulting you, because that is what he is doing.
Grabbing you, putting your hand on his penis - That's sexual abuse. He might not know what he is doing is wrong, even criminal, but it is.
If he is making you uncomfortable, you should get an adult involved. Don't make out with him. That might make him think the way he is treating you is okay, and it's really not okay.
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The Question
What's a panic attack? I'm not sure if I had one or not... For length of question's sake, I won't share too much details, but something happened while I was at work, and I flipped. First I got really paranoid, and freaked out. I couldn't speak coherently, it was all stutters and my coworkers could hardly understand me. I thought I would calm down and it would go away, but it got way worse. I punched out for my lunch break, went out to my car and immediately FLIPPED. I couldn't breathe, all I could do was scream out, and GAAASP in. I was crying furiously, my heart was pounding like mad, and it felt like someone was squeezing it, my chest hurt terribly. My face got extremely red and tingly. I couldn't stop shaking, my hands were trembling like mad. I was in the back seat, and thought maybe I could calm down with a song or something, so I grabbed my keys and tried to make my way up to the front to put the key in the ignition, but failed, I just keeled over and wheezed. I called my mom after I stopped screaming, was still wheezing and sobbing, and she and my step-dad had to hurry and pick me up, my mom went inside to explain to my boss, and drive me home. While I waited for my mom to come get me, everything scared me and made me jump. A guy behind me honked his horn, which made me jump, then start sobbing again after I had just stopped.
When we got home, I was exauuuuughsted, and my mom had to help me to bed.
The whole experience was terrifying and pretty traumatic. Thinking back on it kinda scares me. When I went to bed, I was scared I wasn't going to wake up. xDD;; Was what happened a panic attack? I had never had one before, so I wouldn't know. xDD!
The Answer
You should see a doctor.
Was is a panic attack? Almost definitely.
HOWEVER, the very slight chance that it might be a heart issue, or a neurological issue, means you should talk to a doctor.
Even if you don't want to seek any treatment for the panic attack (and if it was just the one, maybe you don't need too) you should go to a doctor and rule out any possible physical problems, because as unlikely as it is, if there is something physically wrong that contributed to what you experienced, it could very serious.
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The Question
how can i make sure shes having a good time in the sack. sbe keeps comming back for more but never cums while im with her.
The Answer
Ask her.
There is no magic formula or special trick.
All women are different, their bodies are different, different things excite them, or don't.
So have a conversation with her.
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