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Hi Everyone!!

My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.

My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".

I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.

I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.

Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.

PHEW!!!

Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.

Brenda


Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 21104

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im 18 yrs old.male.iam very shot tempered and get infuriated very easily.i very easily get frustrated and irritated which sometimes leads to bad consequences.this has a major effect on my social life.please help (link)
Hi

Maybe you should try taking an anger management course. From what I understand, they help you deal with your emotions when things get you angry, frustrated, or irritated.

I think you need to deal with this soon, or it could lead to more than just social life problems. Not only is it hard on other people, it's extremely hard on you to feel like that all the time.

When you feel yourself boiling over, take a few deep breaths and count to ten before you act...it's amazing how much that can stop a anger attack!!

Good luck.

Brenda


13/f ok i need alot of fast money. around $350 by next monday. my family is having a yard sale this weekend and im selling alot of my things but im not sure if it will be enough. What are some other ways to get fast money? Babysitting isnt really an opinion. thank you very much for any advice!!! (link)
Hi

I can't help but think...why does a 13 year old girl need that kind of money in a hurry???? Sounds to me like you may be in some trouble?

Ask your parents, to see if they can help you out.

If it's for a new GAP wardrobe, then try mowing lawns, cleaning, dog walking, paper route.

I'm 34 years old, and I coudn't come up with $350 by next week :)

Brenda


Okay so everything is great between me and my boyfriend. When we have sex, he likes to touch me down there. The only problem is that when he touches me, it tickles badly. I hate it because it tickles but my boyfriend is starting to feel weird about it. Everytime he touches me there, we have to cut it short because i cant stand to be tickled. I think it is putting a bit of a strain on our sex life. What should I do? (link)
Hi

I'm ticklish too!! You need to relax :) If you get all tensed up, and think "OMG, it's going to tickle", then it will.

What if you kept your hand on top of his...kinda guided it. We all know it doesn't tickle when we do it. Maybe he could be a little less gentle. Not so that it hurts obviously, but so that it's not the light, ticklish, touch...do ya know what I mean?

Good luck.

Brenda


I'm seeing a counselor on Friday. I'm not used to being open with other people, or strangers. What should I do to make it easier for me to talk about what is on my mind and my feelings. I don't want it to be a waste of time because I have half an hour. Thanks in advance. (link)
Hi

A good counsellor will make you feel comfortable. Sometimes you have to "shop around" for a therapist that you click with. Once you do, you will have no problem sharing your problems.

Remember that therapists do not judge. They are there to help you. You may think that what you have to tell is horrible, or stupid, or silly, but I'm telling you they are not...and you can bet that the therapist has heard much worse.

Just try to relax, and think of your counsellor as a confidante. Good luck.

Brenda


My friend (we will call her "A") A is one of two people who know about my rape(s) she is my best friend in the whole world and i love her to death! and yesturday i was walking to the bus with a and we were "making fun" of this guys (we will call him "B") B because he follows everyone then his friend ("M"-who im cool with) M came up and started talking. then hes like "B get out of the way Sam is going to rape me. and i got really offended because i hate it when people joke about that. then (B rides my bus) on the bus B was like, "sam dont rape me bla bla bla" and i was like, "Shut the F**K up this isnt somthing you joke about people actuauly get rapped" and he kept laughing and i kept swearing and it made me so mad then my friend A called me and i told her the story (she goes out a different way then me so she didnt hear anything) and she was like "well sam if you dont want people to know that you were rapped then dont attract attention to yourself" that made me so mad, she is supposed to understand but she didnt so i hung up on her...did i over-react?

**PLEASE HELP IM SOO SORRY ITS LONG** (link)
Hi

No, you didn't over-react. One thing you have to keep in mind is that unless you've been through rape (which I have), you cannot truly understand how someone who has been through it feels.

You're friend "A" probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings like that...in her mind she is trying to protect you from other people finding out. I think you need to talk to her.

As for people joking about rape....I hear ya...it drives me crazy too. Just the other day, I was at a party, and I overheard two people joking about it. I actually said something...kinda like what you did. Most times I just let it slide, because like it or not, people are going to always joke about it. It's not right, but some people are just insensitive, and others probably don't mean any harm by it.

Try to keep your head up, and just walk away from discussions like that. If you keep getting really defensive over it, people may start to ask questions.

It doesn't matter to me that people know....it's part of my life, but at your age and the fact that you are still in school, it's probably best to keep it under wraps for now. The last thing you need is harrassment by cruel teenagers.

Good luck, and take care.

Brenda


i'm 17/f and i've been raped 3 times and not by the same person- once when i was 8 then 12 and now, 17.
i have never had a boyfriend,not being big headed or anything but i'm not the kind of girl that is avoided by guys. i have some greate friendships with guys. but my big problem is now i'm afraid of getting close to guys. i'm scared of hugs and stuff but i get realy scared when they kiss me goodbuy (on the cheek). i'm also terrified of people coming up behind me and scaring me- i cry everytime it happens. but the worst thing is that the last rape tipped everything over- it happened three months ago and i've been to the doc and everything's fine. but i've started to get used to being raped. i feel like the only way i'm going to have a relationship is if someone forces me to. will i ever get over this fear? pluss ontop of that everyone at school found out that i had been raped- i told one person-the wrong person-now everyone is makeing fun of me because they think it's a lie. everytime someone talkes to me they always bring it up. and me being the person i am hides everything-i've become good at it- no one knows that it's taring me up inside. what do i do? will i ever get over my fear and get a boyfriend?will i ever be able to show my face again at school? (link)
Hi

If you've read my column you will see that I to have been where you are. I know exactly how you feel. It's awful. I didn't think I would ever be normal again. But I am! I got help though. Professional help. To this day, I still go to therapy periodically.

Rape is a HUGE violation of both body and mind, and it's not something that you can get through on your own. I tried, and I just kept getting more miserable.

I can tell you, that if you take care of yourself, and get help, you will get through this and move on to lead a very happy and normal life.

Victims of rape have a VERY hard time trusting people, especially men. It's normal that you jump at affection and don't like being scared. The thought of the rapes are constantly on your mind...that's what you can and will work through in therapy.

As for the kids at your school...they're NOT WORTH IT!! Kids can be very cruel, as you are experiencing.

I'm sure you have one or two close friends that you can confide in. Just stick with them. If people start to make fun of you, or accuse you of lying, walk away. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. They are trying to get a rise out of you...don't let them.

You need supportive people. Do your parents know? You may not want to tell them (I didn't want to), but I did in the end, and I'm so glad I did.

Please get help...so you can deal with these violations, and try to move on. I know you can do it. Take care.

Brenda


i am 18 yr old boy doing b.tech.right now into my first year.theres this girl,a close friend of mine,whom i like... or may be a bit more than liking.she likes someone else but does not want to get into a relationship with that guy.she is also close fiends with the guy she was going around with previously.i sometimes get a feeling that she likes me and sometimes feel that she ignores me.just tell what should i do to attract her attention towards me.so that she gives me more importance than others.i want to top her priority list in all matters.please help (link)
Hi

You need to tell her how you're feeling. If she is unaware that you like her, then she is not going to focus those kind of feelings towards you. Until you let her know, it's going to drive you crazy.

If she's a close friend then the two of you can talk about this like adults, and decide what to do.

You may want to prepare yourself for the fact that she may not return those same romantic feelings towards you, but hey...maybe she will!! Take her out for coffee or supper, and spill it. She will appreciate you for telling her.

Life's far too short to sit back and wait for things to happen...you need to make them happen. Good luck.

Brenda


Theres this guy his name is .. Max. Max is my best friend, last year we became really close. He secretly liked me and never told me, till 8 months after, when he started to go out with my friend Emily. Emily is "inlove" with Max. And Max is "inlove" with Emily. During these 8 months that Max liked me, i LIKED someone else, and was obbsessed with him. But when me and him were over, i started to relize i think i fell in love with my best friend. Now hes in a 6 month relationship. Almost everynight i write about him in a journal. I told him before I might have fell for him, and he said oohh. I don't know what to do anymore, i watch them all over eachother EVERYDAY. I cant take it any more, Does anyone know what i can do?

P.S a little advice to some girls, if you have a best friend who likes you alot, and everyone says you guys should go out. Give him a chance.

(link)
Hi

This is a tough one, because Emily is a friend. You can pretty much bet there are going to be hurt feelings over this.

Max knows how you feel, and you know how he feels...unfortunately what you have to do now is wait.

You don't want to be the "reason" Max and Emily break up....let that happen all on it's own. If Max truly does want to be with you, then their relationship will end.

You have to remember to consider Emily's feelings, and how she is going to feel when he breaks up with her to go out with you.

I would try my best to carry on with your life until he can make a decision. However, I wouldn't wait "forever". If he truly wants to be with you, he will wrap up his relationship in a timely manner with Emily.

I know how hard it must be to see them together everyday. Can you distance yourself from them a bit? I hope for everyone's sake you two will end up together soon.

Good luck, and take care.

Brenda


i am 15 years old and i am a female. i have bean dating this guy, that ive liked, for a while now. well, when i go to his house he likes to give little kisses and stuff. well, he simetimes would try and go a little down, like to my boobs or my tummy, and i would/will get nervous and turn away.what should i do about it? how can i stop being so nervous?
thank you for answering my questions
sincerly,
babyzaboo (link)
Hi

My first thought is that you're nervous, because you're not ready.

If you were truly ready to take the kissing farther you wouldn't be extremely nervous. When you are ready you will still be a bit nervous, but it will feel more natural.

Take your time, and explain to your boyfriend that you don't feel you're ready....if he doesn't understand then maybe he's not the one for you.

Brenda


i am 15 years old and i am a female. Well, there is this boy i like and we have bean seenig each other for abot 1.5 months, but we aren't going out. he tells me that he loves me, gives me kisses, and stuff like that, but this is when we are at his house. when we are at school he doesn't kiss me or tell me that he loves me. he doesn't even talk to me that much. all he does is say hi give me a quick hug and say bye. he said that he doesn't want to get into trouble.
does he really love me? is he embarassed to be around me? does he only want sex? well, thank you for helping me out....bye.
(link)
Hi

It could be that he is just a little shy to show you affection infront of all his friends, which is ok (for a while).

With that being said, if this continues, and he wants sex, and shows you affection while alone, but never when you are around other people, then that to me is a RED FLAG!!

Someone who truly wants to be with you, will want people to know, and will gladly show you affection around them. I wouldn't let it persist too much longer. Take care.

Brenda


I have been going with a really great guy for the last few months. He's 29, I'm 33. He was a virgin when we met, but no longer is. He's really great in bed, (he's come a long way), but I'm wondering what I can do to help him along a little bit more. He's open to trying new things, and when we do, it just doesn't work out, because he can't catch on for whatever reason. He tries very hard, but it's getting frustrating. I'm also trying to figure out how to make things more romantic. He doesn't understand how important foreplay is. We kiss for just a few minutes, and he thinks it is time to just go for it, then a half hour later, we're done, and that's it. How can I make him understand that romance and foreplay can be just as much fun? What kind of things can I do to make him realize it's just as much fun, if not better than just having straight sex. What kind of things can you suggest that are really romantic, and will keep him in the mood all night??

Thanks. (link)
Hi

Unfortunately romance is something that some guys just don't have. However, I believe that to a certain degree they can learn.

If he's just experienced sex for the first time with you, then there's lots left to learn.

You could give him hints, but make sure they are not too subtle (men have trouble with those ;)

You could also try being the romancer to show him what it's like. One day when he comes home from work, have candles going, soft music, look like your hot sexy self, and romance him. Take your time...tie him up if you have too ;).

Show him what it feels like to experience foreplay, then he'll know that's something that you like. You need to show him the ropes, so he can learn from you, then take his turn and be romance initiator. Good luck.

Brenda


So my boobs have been itchy lately and I messed around with this guy that I just met but we don't have sex we just dry hump and the last night we messed around we dry humped with his boxers off and my under wear on?? So I didn't know if that was okay as long as he didnt stick it in me or he didnt blow.. I'm a really paranoid person so I am glad I found advicenators.com instead of asking my friends sometimes because most of them are sexually active and look at me funny. (link)
Hi

My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex!! I know this is extremely hard to believe, but it is possible. They were both naked, and he "came" close to her vagina, and they can swim/crawl. Be careful.

Leaving your underwear on was a good idea, but it never hurts to take precautions.

As for the itchy breasts...not sure about that one. Could be a skin allergy to something. If it persists, I would talk to your doctor. Take care.

Brenda


ok im 14/fl

im suffering from depression and i dont know how to tell my mom with out her taking it like im making this up...ive taken many test's online dealing with depression and they have all said that i need help...my grandmother is a doctor and she knows i need the help... (link)
Hi

You can't let how your mother may react stop you from getting the help that you need. It sounds like you have an ali with your grandma. Have a talk with your grandma, and then the both of you could approach your mother.

You are also old enough to go to the doctor alone and ask for help. It would be nice if you had your mothers support. Maybe she just doesn't understand depression, and needs to research it a bit to understand what you're going through.

First and foremost though, you need to think about yourself and get help.

Good for you for realizing that you can't do it alone. Good luck. Take care.

Brenda


I split up with my sons father about 4 yrs ago and have always let my son go and stay with him on a saturday night. He is not a good role model. He has verbally abused me badly in front of my son, tells my son that i dont love him any more and that its my fault we cant be a proper family. He is unclean and unkempt, doesnt have a job and not really any morals but my son says he loves him. He comes back unclean, tired, argumentative, agitated, naughty, tearful and keeps having little 'accidents' in his pants. I am currently taking my ex to court for harassing me over the last 4 yrs and my son has seen the police come round to discuss it but is always in another room. Twice when i've asked my son (when he's playing up) if he's worried about anything and he has said hes worried his fathers been arrested and hes worried about when hes gonna see his dad again, if at all. I have assured him that his father wasnt arrested and wasnt in trouble but that the police wanted to talk to him about a silly thing he'd done. I have told him he is not to worry because he will continue seeing his dad every saturday as usual.
My question is... am i doing the right thing keeping him in touch with his dad when he comes home like that or would it be better for my son to not have him in his life and let him decide whether or not he wants him in his life when he is older?? If i do stop him seeing his dad, what do i tell him?? My son is 5 in a couple of weeks, we live with my partner of 1 year who is 32 and i am 31. My son kept asking to call him dad so in the end we agreed. I would be grateful for any advice on this matter as i just dont know what to do for the best anymore. I always thought it was better for my son to have contact with his real father but i am now beginning to wonder. Thanks for taking the time to read my (somewhat long) query. :-( (link)
Hi

OK....this is a question that is close to my heart.

I have two stepkids who live with us part-time. Their mother married a man who is abusive to everyone, but child protective services and the courts let the children remain with her...I know it's hard to believe!!

Anyway, I think it is very important to keep your son's dad in his life. With that being said, there are ways to do that, in which you would feel better.

What about supervised visits? It sounds like he does not have your sons best interests at heart, and is incapable of making the right parenting decisions.

One thing you don't want to do it totally cut him off from seeing his dad (especially because he wants to see him.) He will only grow up to resent you for it. As he gets older he will start to come to his own conclusions and decide where he wants to spend his time.

Is there a custody order in place? If not, I would make that happen pretty quickly. Then the judge could order supervised visits until your ex cleans his act up, and decides to be someone your son can look up to.

In the meantime, try to keep things light infront of your son...they are such young, innocent little people and they don't deserve to be going through heartbreak...there's plenty of time to do that as an adult!

To me, it sounds like you are a wonderful mother, who wants to do what's right for your son. Having his father in his life, safely, is very important, but only if your son's well being isn't being questioned.

Take care. I wish you and son the best of luck.

Brenda


I've been in a serious relationship with "Drake" for almost 3 years, 2 1/2 of which we've lived together. My problem is simple, I'm just afraid there's no simple answer. I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I never thought I was a shallow person until now. I can't help it. I know as a relationship gets older, some of the passion dies and thats normal. I know once you have what you want you don't so much want it anymore and that thats human nature. But I mean, I won't let him touch me, much less have sex with me. He turns me off rather than on. Its been going on for months now. Its really very sad, because while he complains about not getting any, he doesn't know whats really going on. I've told him its more of a medical condition (which isn't a complete lie) to spare his feelings. Sometimes I think he's going to push the issue, and I get prepared to tell him the truth, but then he drops it, like he knows there's a problem and he wants to avoid it. I try to encourage him to lose weight or change other things that gross me out about his appearance and sometimes I piss him off. I try to be sensitive, I'm not perfect either, but we can't go on like this. He and I are sexual people, he thinks he's being deprived and so do I. He's a good man with a big heart and a great sense of humor and I feel safe and secure with him. I just can't get hot for him. Does that mean the love I had for him has changed into a different kind of love? Or does it mean I'm a superficial bitch? We've been through so much, I'm terrified of hurting him, of losing him. He'd be mortified if he knew I felt this way. How can I talk to him about this? I feel like our relationship is at stake... (link)
Hi

I think for both your sakes you need to get this out in the open. It's not fair to you or to him to be in a relationship that isn't 100% mutual.

If he's a great guy like you say he is, then I'm wondering if your feelings have changed from being "in love" with him to "loving" him. These are two very different things.

The physical attraction thing is so important. With that being said, you shouldn't expect someone to change because you don't like the way they look. Think of the situation if it was reversed. What if he told you he didn't like the way you looked anymore...you'd be devastated. This is a touchy subject that can induce alot of hurt feelings. You need to be careful.

You could just tell him that you don't feel that "spark" anymore...you don't have sexual feelings.

I went through that exact thing, and it turned out it was a medical problem.

If the relationship is worth saving, you will need to work at it...either just the two of you, or with councelling.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to do it soon....so you can either work on your relationship, or so you both can move on and find people that will love you for who you both are.

Oh...you're not a superficial bitch at all. These things happen.

Good luck, and take care.

Brenda


Okay so i have been with my boyfriend for sometime now and its like lately i have been feeling hurt...its the things he says like ill ask something and hell call me dumb because sometimes i dont think before i ask things i guess...but we have been going through somethings for the past week..and i really dont know how to get out my feelings out to him in person its easy to text or write it down for me...but he wants and likes to talk face to face even if were laying down in the dark i still dont know how to get out my feelings to him..i really do love and care about him...hes my world my everything and i know i mean the same to him were very close eachothers best freinds we do everything together always with eachother..i just have this in the way of us getting even more closer...so please i need help on how i can be able to step up and talk to him face to face..il rate 5s!!PLEASE HELP ASAP!! (link)
Hi

Just be yourself!!

If he tells you you're dumb, I would say that that really hurts your feelings. If he constantly hurts your feelings, then you should think about getting out of the relationship.

Someone who loves you does NOT intentionally hurt you physically, emotionally, or mentally.

Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't treat you with the respect that you need and deserve.

Self-confidence is a huge boost to ones character. If you can be confident in yourself and what you're saying then he will take you seriously.

Good luck.

Brenda


ok so heres the deal. my mom and dad divorded when i was 2 years old. he already had kids with his wife before he married my mom and so they never have liked me (my half sisters) since they were older and one has a daughter that is only 5 months younger than me so they never liked my mom either since shes 16 years younger than their dad and my dad... so they of course hate me and my dad sorta likes me well i know he loves me as his child but he never approves of how i do my hair, how i dress or anything. he doesnt like that all my friends are guys. he doesnt like anything about me... my music... or anything. hes always unhappy about something im doing. so yeah. i have TRIED SO HARD to make him like me and to make my relationship better with him but he seems to always find a way out. and hes 62 and has had a heart attach and since i dont live with him i live with my mom i dont see him alot and he keeps telling me if i dont like it out there i should just come twice a year instead of twice a month. its gotten to where i hate to go although i want to be close to him but now i just seem to cry about it everyday and i want to give up. so should i just give up on him and not really have a dad since he doesnt act like my dad as it is... or keep trying and feel the pain. im just afraid hes gonna die and ill never know what its like to have a good father daughter relationship. opinions/advice please! i rate 5's. (link)
Hi

Sounds like your in quite the bind! I'm so sorry that you are going through this turmoil.

I have two stepkids, and I see the pain in their face all the time at the tug of war that they feel.

You need to be where it is safe, secure, happy, and healthy. If you are not getting all those from your dad's home, then I would live with your mom.

You don't need to cut off all contact with him (always let him know that you are there if he needs you, or wants to really talk about the issues that are affecting you.)

But aside from that, you don't need to be putting yourself in a situation where life is extremely difficult.

With that being said, please realize that life is not going to be 100% glorious anywhere you live. Ups and downs happen. I wish you the best. Take care.

Brenda


17/f... When I was 14 I dated a guy Branden for 2 years (until I was 16/ he was 17) and when we broke up it ended REALLY BADLY! (other than that the only relationships I have had have lasted for like maybe 2 weeks...)And that relationship pretty much scared me (he was my FIRST EVERYTHING!) and now I am afraid of getting hurt, by anyone. I have a boyfriend now that I have been with for almost a month and he tells me that he loves me and I have really really strong feelings for him but i dont know why but I just cant bring myself to tell him how I really feel because I'm so afraid of getting hurt. How can I just let loose and tell him how I fell? B/C I'm also afraid that if I dont tell him I will loose him for not telling him...

Sorry It's so long... I WILL rate high for reasonable answers... Thanks... (link)
Hi

What you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. You don't want to get hurt again, and you feel if you open yourself up to your new boyfriend you stand the chance of getting hurt. Right?

It's better to have love and lost, then to never have loved at all.

The one thing you should consider is that maybe you're not ready for a serious relationship right now. Maybe you still have healing to do. If you feel you can move on, then you need to try to trust in your feelings and tell him...if you don't, you may end up regretting it.

Love like you've never been hurt, sing like noone is listening, and dance like noone is watching.

Good luck, and take care.

Brenda


I was just wondering if sensors ((on clothes)) make any noise when you cut them off or whatever to get/take them off. My friends and I usually steal but we cut around the sensor and end up with big holes in our clothes. I know the sensors make noise if you take them out of the stoiree but what about when you're like in the dressing room or whatever? Thanks in advance. (link)
I can't believe you are seriously asking this question.

You want advice on how to shoplift???? Get a life...I'm willing to take a bad rating for this one....I was/am disgusted!!!

You'll get caught for sure and then you'll have to deal with a criminal record for the rest of your life.

Think twice.

Brenda


im single and im talking to my ex bf.he is in a relationship and we are talking like were together.I wanna be with him but i dont wanna go back that route, and he claims he loves his current gf.i need help!!! (link)
Hi

If he loved his girlfriend then he wouldn't be talking to you like you guys are a couple.

Why would you want to be with someone who is borderline cheating on his girlfriend....he'll probably cheat on you too? You said yourself you don't want to go down that route again...so don't.

Find someone who is single and faithful.

Take care.

Brenda




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