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is my son better off without his father in his life??
I split up with my sons father about 4 yrs ago and have always let my son go and stay with him on a saturday night. He is not a good role model. He has verbally abused me badly in front of my son, tells my son that i dont love him any more and that its my fault we cant be a proper family. He is unclean and unkempt, doesnt have a job and not really any morals but my son says he loves him. He comes back unclean, tired, argumentative, agitated, naughty, tearful and keeps having little 'accidents' in his pants. I am currently taking my ex to court for harassing me over the last 4 yrs and my son has seen the police come round to discuss it but is always in another room. Twice when i've asked my son (when he's playing up) if he's worried about anything and he has said hes worried his fathers been arrested and hes worried about when hes gonna see his dad again, if at all. I have assured him that his father wasnt arrested and wasnt in trouble but that the police wanted to talk to him about a silly thing he'd done. I have told him he is not to worry because he will continue seeing his dad every saturday as usual.
My question is... am i doing the right thing keeping him in touch with his dad when he comes home like that or would it be better for my son to not have him in his life and let him decide whether or not he wants him in his life when he is older?? If i do stop him seeing his dad, what do i tell him?? My son is 5 in a couple of weeks, we live with my partner of 1 year who is 32 and i am 31. My son kept asking to call him dad so in the end we agreed. I would be grateful for any advice on this matter as i just dont know what to do for the best anymore. I always thought it was better for my son to have contact with his real father but i am now beginning to wonder. Thanks for taking the time to read my (somewhat long) query. :-(
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It's never a good idea to stop a child seeing his father, especially if it's against the childs wishes. He'll end up resenting yu for it. Perhaps instead of letting him stay over at his fathers his father could just have him during the day? And if possible why don't you try supervised visits so you know exactly what your sons father is saying/doing. Kids pick up on and understand more than people realise, so even if your son is in another room when you're talking about his father be sure that he can't hear. When your son is old enough to understand he'll probably realise what a loser his father is.
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Hi
OK....this is a question that is close to my heart.
I have two stepkids who live with us part-time. Their mother married a man who is abusive to everyone, but child protective services and the courts let the children remain with her...I know it's hard to believe!!
Anyway, I think it is very important to keep your son's dad in his life. With that being said, there are ways to do that, in which you would feel better.
What about supervised visits? It sounds like he does not have your sons best interests at heart, and is incapable of making the right parenting decisions.
One thing you don't want to do it totally cut him off from seeing his dad (especially because he wants to see him.) He will only grow up to resent you for it. As he gets older he will start to come to his own conclusions and decide where he wants to spend his time.
Is there a custody order in place? If not, I would make that happen pretty quickly. Then the judge could order supervised visits until your ex cleans his act up, and decides to be someone your son can look up to.
In the meantime, try to keep things light infront of your son...they are such young, innocent little people and they don't deserve to be going through heartbreak...there's plenty of time to do that as an adult!
To me, it sounds like you are a wonderful mother, who wants to do what's right for your son. Having his father in his life, safely, is very important, but only if your son's well being isn't being questioned.
Take care. I wish you and son the best of luck.
Brenda
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Of course your son would be better off, but should you keep him away from his father? I'm not sure...
I'm not certain that there will be long term affects on his dad's ignorant lifestyle. The fact that your son fears his dad will be arrested probably shows that he can tell such a lifestyle doesn't go without punishment. Kids are impressionable, but generally intuitive. But because there's evidence of harm to your son, mentally or physically (argumentative with uncontrolable urination from one night a week? That needs to stop, regardless), I would be reluctant to continue to allow him to see his father. Are you required by law to do so? If not, I wouldn't allow it while these things are happening.
In a perfect world, supervised visits with his father would probably be best for him. Such a man sounds like he belongs in captivity.
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I think that your son would be much better off without his dad for a while. He's at an age where he's really impressionable, and being exposed to such behaviour cannot be good for him.
You should explain to him that the both of you love him alot, but for a while he can't see his dad because his dad needs to do some really important things at the moment.
If you think that writing and talking over the phone would not defeat the purpose of the separation, then you should encourage it.
You should also try and talk to your ex about this, but if he doesn't listen, then you could go to a social worker and ask help or the courts immediately.
Your partner at the moment would be a good role model inyour sons life but now especially you shouldn't over do it with the dad thing, but it's important that you give him loads of time and espcially Sat, bring him or do something really fun and nice.
Good luck.
And I think you are a wonderful parent for doing what you are.
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