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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I haven't gone to see a doctor yet, but I think I may have developed alopecia (areata). Has anyone had alopecia or knows anyone who's had it? Can it be cured?

My sister had it many times. It seemed to be stressed related to her. The more stressed she got, the more her hair came out in clumps, usually in back of the head.
However the type you say you have according to what I found here on the web is auto-immune skin disease. Dr.s say it's passed on in your genetic makeup but that other issues can contribute to it. I hadn't heard of that version. But since its a genetic thing,, then perhaps there are parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents with some kind of autoimmune disease if not skin related.
The parents don't have to have it for it to show in a child.
For example, my youngest daughter was born looking normal but by 3 weeks old, she had several big bright red bumps soft like water blisters on her head, one under an eye, one beside her nose. I asked the doctor and he had to look it up as it is fairly rare, passed on genetically and generally goes away on its own in a decade or so. It was called Hemangioma. I had none ever, my husband neither, nor my or his parents. So I had to assume other relatives. I've only recently discovered that I am the carrier genetic wise as I have ones that show up later in age and mine are tiny and on my torso but I have a niece who had one on her forearm so one of my parents carried it in their genetics but never had it.
My sister when she got rid of stress, got rid of her alopecia. However whenever she became stressed badly again long term, it happened again and the hair fell out in chunks.
Since you haven't seen a Dr. best to do so and find if you have one variety or the other. I havent heard of the areata type before. And I would think that is something there is no cure for being auto immune disease. If the regular type, you can work on how you handle stress, removing stressful situations from your life. But there may be many more things a Dr. can do today to help you with alopecia. The average person isn't stupid and often can usually figure out what is wrong or get close, in the same neighborhood. But we need Dr.s to know how to treat it. So if you believe yourself to have alopecia, theres a good chance you may be right. But you would still know how to treat it besides working on stress levels because sis got it often and sometimes stress free only relieved it a little but most times helped. I can't say what else she needed but thats why seeing a Dr. is important. If by chance you have figured it wrong and its something else, it might be very easy to treat or a totally different treatment altogether and nothing to do with stress. Doing nothing and the alopecia will remain. Self treat by guessing and its a 50-50 chance of it staying or accidently getting better, see a Dr. and you will know if it can be treated or not, and if so...what will cure it. Your choice

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So I've been thinking about getting into animation, perhaps doing it on youtube. If you want an idea of what kind of thing I'm looking at, google animatics. I've been practicing drawing characters, and I understand the basic idea of how these things work, but I don't know how you make it look like the characters you draw have emotions. I mean, how do you make the characters look sad, happy, angry, etc? I notice other creators can do it and it's deeper than just the shape of their mouth.

My husbands daughter went to school for CG degree, computer graphics. She was good before she even got into the school. She had to complete assigned art projects turned into the school that were quality work before they would even let her attend. This is the natural talent they wanted to refine so the kids could go on to find the kind of jobs like working for WaltDisney, Pixar, Dreamworks, etc.

What i am trying to say is that unless a person who has gone to school for CG or any other animation happens to be an advice giver on this site, is seeing your question and can somehow explain in words without you being shown, then you will get what you want to know. That however is a slim chance. To target asking a person who might have an idea, start watching the animations on you tube, c g or whatever that a person has posted of their own work, make a comment below and leave your email asking them the same you asked here. Either they will answer or they won't. But if you do the same for a bunch of different animation related video posters, one of those posters should be able to give you some hints. Other than that, if not just for fun or a hobby but more serious, You might check into the different schools offering degrees on animation.

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So, I do livestreams on my instagram quite a lot (like 3 or 4 times a week), and everything usually goes quite smoothly,until this girl joins. My heart starts beating really fast and I have to be very careful not to embarrass myself on the stream, but I'll either end up hesitating a lot or speaking really fast without taking a breath. A lot of the time when this girl joins, I move the camera to anywhere but my face, as I go red very easily and don't want people to see my redness on camera. For example, the other day I was streaming at 1AM, there was no people watching for a while and I read out a story I had made. However she joined, which caused me to point the camera at the story and not me. It was very shaky camera work however, and I didn't realise at the time that all you had to do was press a symbol in the bottom-hand corner for the camera to flip the other way round. My very bad camerawork is probably what tempted her to leave, plus when I was reading it out, I spoke really fast without taking a breath and I'm now worried that she hates me and thinks I'm trolling, as she hasn't joined any of my streams since this event. I want her to try and avoid mentioning this incident, because I'll just end up really embarrassed. I could tell her in person why I don't show my face when she joins my livestreams but she's quite close friends with the gossipers, and might tell them and I'd rather just keep it secret. How do I avoid her bringing it up and how do I avoid her friends from bringing it up?
I'm a 14 year old male btw.

This doesn't happen to just you, its very common with teens when they become interested in the opposite sex and have no prior experience with hanging with or talking to the opposite sex. This not knowing what to do is what makes a person even more nervous than usual when the person they admire is near, is because they are so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and having the person they secretly like, either avoid them or continue to blissfully be unaware that someone likes them because the fear causes people to freeze up and not try at all or muddle through and make a mess of it.

You have your results in that you messed up bad enough that she finds your streams boring because you lack self confidence when it comes to dealing with her. Although she doesn't know you act that way in streaming because of her. For all she knows, you're like that with everyone. I used to have extreme social anxiety and no self confidence when i was in School. Didn't get cured of that until I graduated. If you have no problem walking up to strangers and chatting with them and have no trouble talking to the guys, then you don't have social anxiety and its related only to her.
In that case, you will need to gain some self confidence as far as females as concerned. I haven't heard of self confidence being only geared at one sex or the other, for me it was always both I wasn't confident with. So all your questions at the end up worries of her hating you are only distorted thoughts, not based in reality. I had lots of those when I was your age and older. You can't even predict why she isn't joining your streams lately, not 100% correctly. All you can do is guess. And guess what? That will only make you feel worse, focusing on the what ifs and the guesses and letting your imagination run wild on the negative side.
There are few situations with people where I don't have to deal with fear anymore. But I can tell you what to do regarding fear holding you back. Its incorrectly called a leap of faith because when so fearful, that wipes out anything positive like blind faith. Nope, I heard the term in a song and it makes sense, its a leap of fear. The only thing most people don't realize is that this same fear that holds us back from doing something especially because of concern of doing something foolish or to give others something to ridicule you about is the same fear that once you make your move, the fear quickly goes away. You will feel it for a few seconds, maybe up to a minute but if truly facing your fear and not focusing on negative distorted thinking as you're doing so, you should be able to gain self confidence.
A good way to gain self confidence quickly is to used a celebrity to jump start your own self confidence. I read this in a woman's magazine probably cus women have more issues with self confidence due to how they look. However I found the basic principle behind this method to be very effective. IT is not a help for women but for all people with low self confidence. Heres what happened to me before I tell you what to try so that you might be more inclined to actually do what I am going to suggest.
After a divorce and searching for a new partner, I had a little bit of self confidence issues, being with one guy all this time and now out there again, will anyone find me attractive? I knew that yes, someone would but those distorted thoughts kepts popping up so to have 100% confidence I followed the suggestion in the magazine. What is your best feature. It could be your smile, hair, eyes, maybe even sense of humor or laugh. For me, I always felt my eyes were my best feature. It doesn't have to be true for anyone else, just that you feel it. The next step was to think of a celebrity who also has the same best feature, or at least, thats one that comes to mind. The actress had a lot of other great features but I was able to focus on my eyes. It has to be realistic for now, the age you're at so I'd go with celebrities who were in their 40s or so, you'd consider ones who are in their teen years. I choose one actress whose eyes I've always loved. Even though our eyes are not alike, they both stand out. Now that you have a celebrity in mind, use an image of that person, see them enter a room and watch how everyone turns to notice them and everyone wants to meet and talk to that celeb. Now you keep that in mind and everything you leave home or step out of a car or you are in public again, picture yourself as not just having this one feature in common but you are that celebrity, with the self confidence they need to have in front of the camera and people. So without doing anything different other than several times a day, putting that image of yourself looking like the chosen celeb and people noticing it, is what needs to happen. I did that with my eyes. I usually don't wear makeup and certainly wasn't when I was shocked to have both men and women approach me and tell me what pretty eyes I had and remember, no makeup to make those eyes pop out. It happened many different places. Okay, so what made people notice me then but not before? It wasn't a physical thing, it wasn't what they saw but what all humans are capable of doing, picking up on non tangible things, just the energy waves, positive thoughts, etc. If you feel good about yourself, others will be drawn to you because you seem fun to be around. Now I know it was only in relation to my eyes but I could actually feel that self confidence growing in me. It was a very elated feeling and also wonder that so many people commented on just my eyes once I focused on my eyes as my best attribute or feature. I am sure it can work for you too. You need to really come up with a celeb that reminds you in some tiny way of a part of you, maybe its how he walks even. But this is crucial. Then seeing yourself as looking like or getting the kind of attention that celeb would get and doing so many times a day, like when I left the house, or left the restrooms, entered a store, library or where ever, even getting on a city bus. You don't have to look around to see who is looking at you. People will feel compelled enough to approach you as happened in All my incidents, and they spoke first. Once you feel self confidence, it just spreads from there. This is a trick on your mind to give it something positive are far as self image and confidence to focus on instead of the negative things and fears.

Once you are self confident, here's one more thing you can do. Can't guarantee it will get the girl that you want but it will come in handy at some point. Don't choose a girl you're crushing on for this, just a girl you could enjoy spending time with as a friend. If you can't get one girl alone to ask, it works too if addressing a couple or trio of girls hanging together. What you are going to do is face the problem of at your age, not really knowing anything about and needing to learn about how to act around and talk to girls. You need to have a good amount of time of success here before moving on to a girl you have real interest in. You are not going to ask to date so don't get scared.
You ask a girl or couple girls if they might be willing to help you with something. Tell them that since you are just starting to be interested in girls, you want help from a girl or couple of girls in learning how to talk to girls, like what subjects do they like to talk about. How to understand them better, what kinds of things to do and not do when talking to a girl. Mention that if they have any general male understanding needs that they can ask you and you'd be glad to help them as well. Only girls who are snobs won't want to be bothered. But smart kind girls will see the true need for their help and possibly yours for them and should be okay with helping out. Let them know its not that you are interested romantically, you simply want to learn from a female how to act around females. Some guys learn from having sisters. Others have none or just didn't pay attention to their own sisters. SO this is a real valid need. There are plenty of adults who never bothered to learn the differences between men and women such as outlined in the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' And there are plenty of adults with rocky relationships who never learned some of the very basics of differences between the sexes. Its these differences that can make for misunderstandings, false assumptions, jumping to conclusions that are totally wrong, frustration and maybe anger. That crap doesn't belong in a healthy relationship. Relationship know hows are not taught in a class so we have to learn on our own. Learn from other girls, or start buying books on how to understand women. But seriously, you will want to work on your self confidence first, trust someone who's been there before.

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hi,

I've been diagnosed with OCD since last year. There are many types of OCD (contamination, harm, reassurance, etc), and can generally be a shapeshifter when it comes to any of these types or their symptoms. Recently I just "graduated" from an outpatient ERP therapy, which took all of my physical symptoms away completely, but my mental attributes are still lingering, still shapeshifting, and getting worse a bit. I'm on medication, which helps, but right now I feel like my intrusive thoughts contribute more to my mental state then my actual thoughts, and it's draining, stressing. I feel deprived of my own mind, I can't look at a baby, hear any form of screams or see any form of violence in a movie or a tv show, I can't even read anything on any violence/sexual topics. Is there anyone out there with my type of OCD who can help me find something to calm or take my mind back? thank you

I don't have this issue myself but became familiar with a certain psychologist turned author. I used to have severe social anxiety and thats one of the things covered in a book of the author/teacher David Burns. The title is 'When Panic Attacks'. However the book also covers OCD, PTSD and BDD to name a few. I can't help but think that it might be worth it to you to see if the ERP therapy which is a form of CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, is the same thing Dr. Burns would recommend. I do recommend CBT because its what helped me. However, even within CBT, there are many different things that can be done when one method doesn't seem to work so well. He also came up with another method called T.E.A.M. which helps to get past the mental resistance to CNT methods and then the Drs he's trained, became more successful at helping their hardest patients. SO I am recommending you visit his website. Under the tab 'Dr Davids blogs' is a contact button. You might share with him what you have done, mention the specific therapies you have done and ask what more can be done since you are still having issues though its better. See what he recommends. This guy is the one who started all the training for psychologists to learn how to use CBT when it was first presented to him in the early days. Its been around now for decades but still not all Dr. have had the complete training as I have not heard of any with TEAM experience, only CBT.

https://feelinggood.com

Perhaps, its just a matter of something simple your Dr. hasn't tried yet. I don't know, but you could ask if there is a number or email where your Dr. could contact him regarding your issues. I am sure if no names were shared, it is a possibility it could be done. YOu never know til you try. I wish you the best in reclaiming your mind. So glad I reclaimed mine as a young adult.

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My best friend has severe acid reflux. She has it as a result of an incident that happened about 5 or 6 years ago that I do not know all of the details for, but I think it resulted in holes starting to form in her stomach? I am not completely sure, regardless she has severe acid reflux as a result that started really affecting her close to 3 years ago.

It os bad enough that if she throws up and if she throws up it will burn any skin it touches and leave blisters that can last anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.
It also causes her severe daily pain. She broke her foot and walked on it for hours without shedding a single tear, but her GERD will have her in tears if she doesn't have her medicine in time.

She is prescribed Rititidine and Omeprozal which helps immensely(at least most of the time enough that she won't throw up or cry from pain) but still isn't fully effective and at times is just not enough.

Anyway, I was wondering if any of you could recommend anything at all that could help her. It causes her a lot of pain and I feel horrible watching her go through it and her doctors are doing very little besides give her more meds.
If there is anything you know that may help severe Acid reflux like this please let me know.

Thank you.

My husband gets it bad at times too. What has helped since he doesn't require medication, is changing his diet. Less acidic foods. That would mean knowing what is more Alkaline in foods. So I am putting link to a list of both.

http://www.phmiracleliving.com/t-food-chart.aspx

I am sure she doesn't want to get hooked on Tums for cutting acid or it doesn't work for her. So the only way to have less acid then is by watching what you eat.

Along with that, taking vitamins,but also taking probiotics can help gut health. You may think its just for the intestines but the digesting starts in the stomach before moving on and probiotics work well for that. I would recommend her buying a probiotic supplement capsule from health food section of local stores or from a supplement store. Then add Kefir to your diet. It's like a drinkable yogurt but Kefir is even better than any kind of yogurt. Kefir is also healthier for your gut, as it contains more strains of beneficial bacteria than yogurt—many times more, in fact. ... The bacteria in the pill form is less protected, and more likely to be inactive by the time it reaches your intestines so it really depends on how it was made, some require refrigeration and I am guessing those probiotic pills may be more effective. When ever I start having any kind of acidic or intestinal issues I guzzle Kefir down all day long. I regulary have some a couple days a week anyways. Probably one of the best things a person can add to their diet. I don't know of anything else other than not eating too late in the day. I understand that we are older and with age people can tend to have issues if eating later but according to dieticians, it is not recommended to eat late. From 8pm on, we will have problems if we eat. We now choose to eat dinner at 4 or 5,530. The latest we will eat is about 630. If we don't, we both feel acid reflux as soon as we lay down. The bodies organs are on a schedule as far as doing the jobs they are meant to do and there are times the organs are to be more at a rest state and our body's internal clock is what makes the organs do their jobs a certain time. For example, before gall bladder removal, I would feel the painful attacks mostly wee hours of the morning because that is when the gallbladder is timed to do its work. So she may also want to change her eating schedule time wise to see if that helps. There are also some things I can eat early in day but if I eat late in day, it causes stomach pains or acid. So she will have to experiment with things like this because foods and probiotics shouldn't interfere with any of her medications, but she can ask her doctor or pharmacist to be sure.

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Are there any special shoes or Inserts that I can wear? I have to walk/stand a lot at my job at a restaurant. It hurts so bad that I start limping and when I finally get to sit and stand back up I walk weird hunched over in pain. I have flat feet and my feet are really sore.

I used to do caregiving and had a client who needed special shoes. So I know there are places that sell shoes with the kind of support people require for whatever their situation. The place we went was either Dr. prescription and covered by insurance or a person had to pay out of pocket and that may be harder.
Since I am not a podiatrist, foot doctor, it would seem best to have an appt. with your general doctor and mention your issues and ask for referral to a specialist unless your doctor knows of a brand of shoe or inserts that would work.

I suppose if you don't want to do any of that, you could always ask the pharmacists at drug stores until you get someone who can recommend a product they sell to try. I used to do a job like yours and was on my feet the entire time except for 10 minute breaks and that is hard. I don't have flat feet and I found most shoes uncomfortable. I did hear from my boss that the company did recommend a certain type of shoe to wear working in kitchens as the sole gripped better and didn't slip and gave out a coupon for a percent off the pair of shoes. However, that still wouldnt address the issue of flat feet and on the feet a long time. I eventually found a second hand pair better than my new ones because it was made with lots of padding and no arch support. I know that wearing inserts for me has not made it softer and easier to walk without getting sore. Everyone is different. Sorry I don't have anything solid to tell you

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I was happiest as a kid, but I still spent too much time reading books and would rarely socialize. For whatever reason, nature or nurture, I also had bad social anxiety and was very shy. Onto my teen years and everything just got worse. As the years went by, I had fewer and fewer years until my senior year, the year most people have good memories about and I have none. I had no friends in my grade and only hung out with my freshman neighbor a couple of times who I’m sure pitied me. Never went to any school dance, got invites to any parties, or even had anyone over at my house. When I tried to reach out to people, they’d never reach out to me, even if it took me a lot of effort to break from my anxiety and inexperience to ask. And that wasn’t even my rock bottom. I was still very depressed over high school when I started college and it was just completely a disaster for me academically. It wasn’t til I changed to a healthy diet a few years ago did I finally begin seeing my life turn around. My peers have graduated, are married, dating, traveling the world and I feel so juvenile compared to them. I’m getting As in all my classes for the first time since early middle school, before I started comparing myself to others and growing increasingly depressed. I’m a lot healthier and am finally getting guys hitting on me but I still feel embarrassed about my past and how I’ll really catch up to not waste the rest of my 20s (I’m 23) as I wasted most of my childhood and teen years. My parents were to busy to notice and were more focused on affording material things than having family time and intervening. I’m over it. I just sometimes feel great as I’m totally changing for the better but after deleting all my social media I’ve been further isolated since I was 19. I want to go back but I’m scared. I feel like I have to reach a certain level of success or people will just discard me as I was discarded and ignored before. I’m always nice to people but I now know that’s not enough

My parents did not notice anything with me either that seemed out of place. I had extreme social anxiety as a child and teen. Back then it was just called shyness. And being shy was something like being the more quiet person who was slow to warm up in social settings but once there, you were fine. Well, no...I wasn't even that. I have a self guided cure you can do. I followed the same thing to cure myself right at the time of graduation. I was so sick and tired of being so socially terrified and unable to talk and make friends that I got to a place of wanting to do what it took to be cured. My dad was outgoing, Mom was quiet. I wanted to be like Dad, as he was always making new friends at work and bringing them home for a visit. Me and the siblings had a ton of 'Uncles' because it it, growing up.
Now that I no longer have the anxiety, looking back, I can see why others didn't choose to try too hard to befriend me. Even now, I would not want to hang out long term with someone who was so scared to socialize if they did not want to improve, because truthfully, I would find them boring. So its not the others who are unfriendly towards you dear and That is something you need to trust in true. Well, maybe 1 in the bunch but the majority of people are personality types that are very friendly toward other people but most want others to speak to them first. Since most people won't do that, not even at my HS reunion, someone has to be first, and that was me. I was the first to approach people, read their names tags if I wasn't sure who they were. Others I went to talk to if they were standing all alone and not talking to anyone.
Also, do not think of all these years as wasted ones. I was like that from as early as I could remember, as a toddler and kindergartener and finally did something to be cured by time of my graduation from HS. Perhaps I needed to know what it was like so that I could help others one day because I truly know what it is like. Lots of us are somewhat anxiety ridden and just want to be liked when we're teens. But I know from what you've shared that its more serious. I can also tell you've reached the point I did, where tho I was still scared a bit of social things, I was more scared of being like this the rest of my life and frankly so tired of it. I never blamed other people though for not reaching out to me. So being ignored, discarded or teased, I realized was all because of what I was like. I wasn't also wanting to change to be liked more by others although that's important. I wanted to change because I
instinctively saw how it could improve my whole life, especially in dealing with bill collectors, with co workers and a boss, with neighbors, etc.
There will always be interaction with other people as long as you are not the last person alive on the planet.
You say you want to reach a level of success first before whatever you do, like reaching out to people. That is way easier than you may think. It only took me maybe 2 months of applying myself daily with the exercises I had to do to be cured. This is not my own list of idea's but the same model of what a psychiatrist wrote he did with other people to cure of social anxiety. So trust me, it works. Once you are cured and have no problem speaking a sentence or two to people, you will be ready for ideas on how to start convo's and how to keep them going. So ask me when ready for that. And please write back and let me know how it works for you. I truly care about this because I see so many people on anxiety meds and see how it still doesn't help them. Working with my distorted thinking was the only thing that really helped and following this list will help. Ignore those scary thoughts of what if's and just plunge in dear. Start at the beginning or at any level you have already mastered.


1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2 I was so bad, even smiling scared me.
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Use the situation you are in or shared with someone to start a conversation. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying questions to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking at all weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when ripe so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.

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I say this a lot but I honestly think I’m finally ready to have a relationship (I’m 19 and still never been in one). The only problem is if you’ve seen my previous questions I’ve had serious anxiety around attractive guys. I’m introverted and socially awkward in general, no matter who you are whether we’ve been friends for a long time or not. If we talk I’m pro at giving awkward silences they’re not awkward for me but i can tell it’s awkward for the person talking to me cause they try to continue the convo but I don’t really have much to say (especially if I don’t know you). Sometimes I’ll have days where I just won’t talk if we’re in the car cause there’s nothing to say. I can talk to my family just fine (only one incident where I was in the car with my mom waiting for my dad I didn’t have anything to say to her so I was quiet the whole trip and she got mad that I didn’t talk but I was fine) anyways back to my topic I think I’m gettig better with guys, there’s guys that work at my job and before I couldn’t talk to guys (that I found attractive in general, and the guys that I didn’t find attractive I still barely talked to them) at my job but now I don’t really care, I can say hi and bye to them, I can ask questions I don’t care. My strategy is thinking that they’re younger than me because I don’t know their ages I didn’t ask them but the youngest person I met at my job was 15 (cause I’m not attracted to guys younger than me). So there’s this guy in one of my lectures I’m thinking of obviously being his friend first before I try anything do you have any tips on how to talk to him or strategies to have more confidence and keep convos going? Thank you for your advice in advance

If you've seen how much I can put into an answer, then you know I am not a person of few words, not with anyone. So I hope you believe me when I confess I used to be in your place with social anxiety. It was so bad I could never get up to go use the automatic pencil sharpener for fear of all the students that might just look at me. It was just talk, but I would crumble into a quivering mess at the thought of people looking at or staring at me. Thats bad.
So I can tell you hon, that trying to gain only enough confidence to direct it at cute guys is not how it works. You need to focus on being able to talk to any stranger, not just those you know, any age, any sex, any thing different from you. It was a daunting task when I started out but the info I got to follow to get over my extreme anxiety worked so well. It does sound like you are coming at it in the same way, tricking your mind into doing certain things that should make it easier. So dear, I am really excited to share my solution with you. Best of all, you go at your own pace but work on it every day, the talking to people and starting short convo's. Just to just you a better idea of how much I changed, in HS I considered most everyone to be more outgoing and brave than me. I attended my 40th HS reunion and found that other than maybe 5 people there, i was the social butterfly, going around talking to almost every person who was there, talking to those who stood awkwardly alone. Came home with a dozen new FB friends and more sent requests after if that means anything to you. People wanted to keep in touch with the girl who was once one of the most anxiety ridden people in our class. Do not think my solution is just nice advice off the top of my head. In later years, I came across books, one in particular by a psychologist now turned author and what he wrote about doing for a patient with social anxiety was the same basic stuff i had gone through, so yes, it is Dr. approved to work. If you are afraid it might take medication to get rid of anxiety, I can explain why it is not needed. Anxiety comes of distorted thinking. There is nothing chemically wrong inside the person, just work with fixing the thinking and you are cured. Depression on the other hand can sometimes be the clinical kind whether certain hormones for the brain are not being produced by the body and you need to take the synthetic version prescribed by pychiatrist. There is depression also caused by only the stress and distorted thinking and this kind can be cured easily too by following a slightly different set of things to do to recover.

So now, the list:

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when ripe so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.

I have more suggestions that are geared only to how to start conversations with people. I will give that to you when you ask and with suggestions of in general and when addressing guys. But you need to get to a place first of being comfortable with walking up to a person you don't know and starting convo first or it won't work for talking to a guy, cute or not. If I read you wrong and you are ready for it now, let me know by writing to me from my column.

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This is probably jumbled and random. I'm a little upset, so I apologize. Thank you in advance.

When I was little, my maternal grandmother lived with us a lot. I had a very close relationship with her, as I do with my mother. Her whole life she's had a hard time with personal relationships, and she's moved around and met different men, none of which have been pleasant. Right now she lives with an old man with a farm, and he's a little off his rocker, and doesn't like to go out or be around people, and besides getting anxious sometimes, he isn't that bad of a guy. However, they have this idea that they just cannot leave the farm unless they need something because they might get sick, and of course, they can't afford that. I haven't seen my grandmother in around a year, even though she lives about half an hour away. My step dad and 8 year old brother saw them from across the street at a gas station. They all made eye contact, but couldn't even be bothered to wave. Just last year, when I was still in highschool I had a lead roll in our winter musical, and we were doing South Pacific. It's my grandmother's favorite, and she promised she'd come see. It was the only thing that kept me from dropping out. She didn't come. Graduation rolled around, and I sent out invitations. She sent me a letter saying that she and her boyfriend or whatever he is would "be there in spirit." I cried both times. I know she's never had the best mental health, but it makes me angry. I want to write her a letter, but I don't even know what to say to her. My mother hasn't really ever had the best relationship with her, and it's at it's worst right now. They haven't spoken in months. Grandma sends occasional cards. She doesnt know what my siblings are up to, she doesn't know I moved out, or that I'm seeing someone. I'm so hurt by her lack of action, but I miss her. I know where they live, and I want to go see her, but I don't know if that would be the right course of action. I'm upset right now, so this whole thing is probably very jumbled. I also don't know if I should take how my mom would feel if I went to see her into consideration. I'm 18 and it's not really any of her business, but I love my mother very much. Also, I don't see or talk to my family much, despite living 8 blocks away, and I don't want another confrontation about it..

I want to see my grandmother again. What should I do???

I agree with everyone else that you should simply go see her. Who you date, people you wish to see, that is your own personal business and nothing you need to pass by the family to get permission for. At 18 you are considered an adult and the parents can not tell you what to do. They can for whatever their own messed up reasons are be angry you saw her but their issues with grandma are their own.

Now for your issues with Grandma, the disappointment of her not showing for your role and for graduation.
I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. I am not young but I also am not that old yet however I can sense how it might be for her. I have only just turned 59 but I can already see the difference of how I catch illnesses more often when I leave home and am out in public. It was worst when I worked in a restaurant and saw lots of strangers every day. Although people came to work sick and I caught it all. I understand there may be some mental health issues which can totally blow the real situation out of proportion but fearing getting ill truly is a sad but true reality for many older people who thus prefer to stay home and only have a few people at a time come visit them.
When a person is older, it takes their body longer to return back to health and a chest cold for a young person doesnt compare to an older person getting one. A year ago, I ended up in emergency on New Years Day with a bronchial congestion so bad that before xrays, the doctor told me he'd suspected start of pnuemonia. I am not currently working and have had less sickness however hubby works with a lot of public and he gets sick and brings it home to me. So visit grandma and be sure you are not sick or have recently been exposed to someone you know was sick as you may feel well but still be able to pass on the germs. It may sound like only a mental health issue about not wanting to leave home and sure there is some paranoia but the reality is that there is a very solid health reason for not wanting to leave home when a person gets older. Its worse for those who are sickly to begin with or have a low immune system.

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I lied to my father about my marks and next week I have pta meeting.I got 34/70 in physics.I don't want my father to come to pta meeting.I don't know what to do.please help me

The purpose of parent-teacher meetings is to learn in detail how your child is doing in class and thats everything, social interaction, ability to follow rules and of course your marks or grades as I call it.
So you have reason to be scared you told lies to Dad about how you were doing in school. If you are having trouble with certain subjects, the parent needs to know so they can try to help you too. They may not know the info but a tutor can help. If it's not a matter of your smarts and understanding but simply not applying yourself and doing the work, then it's a matter of you choosing not to study or ask questions. In high school From the start, I was put in a slow learners class for Algebra. Everyone in that class was struggling with the concept and pulled from their regular classes to be put into one where they get specialized help. Problem is that even with this, I still did not understand and went up to the teacher practically every day asking for help. He never once got upset because that was his job, to help me learn. I did feel embarrassed and also badly for him that I wasn't understanding after so many different explanations. So if its a matter of just not understanding even though you are really trying, that is nothing to fear, a parent won't be angry with their child for that. However if you have simply chosen to not do your assignments or homework and now the marks show you didn't turn in assignments or did poorly on tests, then yes, a parent can be frustrated enough to be angry. However he will check with the teacher to see what else can be done for you. When we do wrong, we need to show remorse and that we have learned and changed will be a good student from now. If you do not feel sorry for what you've done, then I am afriad you will need to learn this life lesson the hard way. If you have dodged doing homework and study in class, that is one error against you. Lieing about it is actually number two then. You can not change the grade he will hear about at the meeting. So I agree with Adviceman that the best thing is to tell him before he finds out at the meeting. z That shows a level of maturity to admit when we are wrong and willingly take whatever correction or consequences because of it. If you did the mistake of skipping your studies thats two things against you. If you merely do not comprehend no matter what as was my case, no one will be angry with you for that and there was no reason to lie about something like that. So any anger imagined there will be more likely actually concern for you as a student, to know how you can be helped to understand. From what you've shared, I am led to believe you only have low marks in one class. If so, then its just a matter of not understanding and that is not a reason for parents or teachers to be upset with students. Only the teacher sees your struggles every day because a parent is not always in class with you seeing how you are doing. Thats why parents need to meet with teachers to learn how their child is doing in school. With you, there will be some ideas and changes possibly suggested as to what could help you to at least get a passing grade if you just don't understand the subject well. Tell Dad now before the meeting. He may be disappointed that you didn't feel you could trust him to tell him of your struggle long before a teacher tells him. Say something before the meeting and that will help your situation.

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So, a friend of mine asked me for advice. She got into an argument with her boyfriend recently. She's currently seeing family over Christmas - his family don't celebrate it . He sends her a WhatsApp message telling her he's going to Manchester with a friend, that he's being picked up in her car , that's he's almost there and he hasn't brought his phone charger with him , and he'll speak to her Friday night. She then receives a Snapchat message from him with a message telling her he's actually going into the city (where they both are staying for uni) doing errands . Then he turns his phone off. An hour later he puts his phone back on , but his whatsapp says he's online he's just muting her messages.

She then get's angry, swears at him. He then sends her a snapchat message saying that he's heartbroken, he'll see her around, and that he's deleting social media. Now both me and her sister thought he had ended it with her. Her sister messages asking for clarification about this and he tells her he's fine, but he thinks her sisters ill because of the way she's reacting. She wasn't ill or anything. She's also spoken to his best friend about this too on the advice off her sister.

He then tells her sister that it's cause he was sensitive to her swearing at him. His family used to do it a lot at him, and he has never sworn at her. Her sister tells him to have a chat with her. Whilst her sister is next to her , she gets a message on her snap saying "drama drama, and that trust is broken " cause she was speaking to her sister and his best friend. (What is she supposed to do she genuinely thought he had ended it with her)

Fast forward to the day she goes to see more family, he tells her he's going to manchester with a load of laughing emojis, after she asked him what are his plans.

So your friend asks you for advice and did you give any? Are you thinking that passing this on third-hand was going to help? I know what happens when any words and messages are passed on, things get misinterpreted, wrong messages shared, etc and in the end, as in the game "Telephone" we played as kids at parties, the ending phrase does not resemble the beginning phrase that was passed on by whispers into the ear of the next person in line.
You may have photo graphic memory and what she told you is exact, word for word. However, unless you saw the screen and what he texted or said to her, if she used any words to describe what he said/texted, that were paraphrased, not his own words, theres a possibility for a different meaning. I have a better idea, have her get on advicenators and ask her question and share exact words spoken or letting us know if its as close as she can remember. People who have written in here a 2nd time adding just one phrase to their question, has totally changed the situation and therefore the answer I gave previously was now invalid because the meaning has totally changed. It could be the same here dear. I think its wonderful that you care so much for your friend. But if you want her to get the best advice and she is still wants it, then refer to advicenators. If she isn't interested in creating her own account, then do as others have and let a friend use their account and when writing in, explain that they are a friend invited to use the account to write in a question.
Based on what I did read, the only thing that seemed obvious was him ignoring her attempts to get through to him when she could see he was online. Theres two sides to every story. So if he forgot his cord, he was likely deciding that since he had to watch his energy carefully since he can't recharge, apparently, what he thought of as the most important things to do with what energy left on his phone didn't match what she expected as the most important thing to her, that he respond and answer her. It really depends on what he was actually doing with his phone. If he was on the same app as her and didn't answer, but he was taking time to chat with others on there (how would she know he was or whether his friend was using his phone and app, which would be odd) sometimes those odd things that most likely can't be, end up being the explanation.
I will also say based only on the words that he didn't answer her when they were on the same app, that the two have different ways of showing how important the other person is to them. Meaning, that she may not be very high on his list of priorities in life. If a guy is dating a girl or calls her gf, that doesn't mean he is emotionally invested in the relationship. Theres more to it. This one thing alone is a red flag that he may not be as into her and she is into him. But again, I can't be certain. Let her read all this and decide if she wants to post her situation with as much detail as she can. Go to the library and use a computer to send it. I know most people try using an iphone to do this and it gets quite tedious typing long messages but its not as bad on a laptop or other computer. The more we are told, the better chances at helpful answers you'll get.

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I have been told that if you own cats they can help to ward off bad spirits/negative energy from your household. Do they only have the ability to block negative energy when it comes from spirits, or does this also include getting rid of human's bad energy from stress, anxiety, etc.? Anyone that has any knowledge in paraphysics please reply if you can!

I do know that animals, cats included have some special abilities but warding off and being a protection against bad spirits or negative energy isn't one of them. It's slightly different, being that animals are able to actually see the spirits or feel the bad energy or evil intents in oaths, curses or spells. I do know our pets are able to read minds. No they don't speak human language but when we think a thought, a picture goes along with it and the pets pick up on the image instead. I had a cat that hated bathes and didn't get it often but it was white with black grease stripes on him from where ever he'd gotten into outdoors. I learned that I had to empty my mind of images of the bathroom, bathtub, water or my cat in the tub because if not, the cat would see me coming and know it was for a bath, not a cuddle and run to escape me, climbing to get away or turning to fight. Had no problems getting the cat into the tub if I placed a picture of something else in my mind as I picked him up.
I think cats get the reputation you mention because they are most often cited as being the familiar of a witch. I know plenty of modern witches who don't have cats and one such gal who does. If I were you, I wouldn't count on a cat to protect you and ward off anything, only alert you to it if for some reason, your own senses were not picking up on it. Then it would be best for you to employ whatever protection that is needed, for yourself or your property and also cleansing of an area. If you need idea's on how to do that, let me know. It's much simpler than you would think. I imployed this method when I was at a fair with adult daugther and people kept bumping into me every other minute as if I was wearing a sign that said, please ram into me. Once i did this simple trick, for the rest of the day, no one ever bumped into me, not even one person. I am not exaggerating, it was really bad, truely almost knocked off my balance but luckily not falling. I could fume about rude, stupid people or something or use these abilities we're all born with but unaware of. It has more to do with being made in Gods image than with the storybook ideas of what spells and witches are which don't even come close. So if you need more, call explain and write to me from my column.

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My boyfriend told me I don’t know how you got into me, don’t know how you got my attention the other day as we’ve only been together for few weeks. He’s a nice boy. We get along well. He also told me , he liked me from day one and he said to himself I will make her mine. Guys, what do I understand here? Explain please? He’s 23 and I’m 21. Many thanks

YOu might have to bring it back up and ask him, because my guesses based simply on the words you shared, may not reflect what he was thinking when he spoke to you.
If you decide to ask this much later, the easy way to bring it up is to say, "I have been thinking still about what you said the other day when you said ...... and I am wondering exactly how it is I got your attention.

The best is to ask at the time of conversation but I have failed in the past to ask too or didn't think of it until later. So asking after the fact is still good, it shows you were really paying attention and listening to him which is important.

My best guess here might be that he doesn't understand how you could so easily "get under his skin "as the saying goes, in such a short time. Getting under one's skin basically means " to fill someone's mind in a compelling and persistent way, constantly in his thoughts. And being in his thoughts in a positive way, being intrigued, captivated, and charmed by you.

Since he mentioned the few weeks time of being with you, he is definitely as a male surprised at how fast you have become so special to him. Most men do not progress so quickly to feeling a women is the right one for him. I dated a guy who didn't mention it at first and freaked out and asked if we could have a week of no visits or even phone calls/texts. I honored that. Before the end of the week he called and asked me to come by his place and said he hoped I wasn't mad at him, he had just needed some time and would explain when I Got there. He told me that because everything went so well and progress so fast and it was only 2 weeks for us, that it scared him that it might not be for real, thus the separating himself from me to see if he could do fine without me or if he'd miss me. Your guy didn't freak out but if I am interpreting his words correctly, he may be just as surprised but not scared of it and so he thought he was sharing that fact with you. If it was me who heard a guy say this, I would ask, when you say that it makes me think that you are surprised to find you have such feelings for me in such a short time, so much that you wonder if what you're feeling is genuine. Am I understanding you correctly?

That is reflecting back at a person what you thought you heard them say in different words. I have guessed right with guys most often and sometimes I've been wrong and told, "no that's not what I was saying, What I meant was ....."

If you can't think of different words to say the same thing, the easiest thing is to repeat back to a guy what he said exactly, word for word making it sound like a question. Sometimes when hearing ones own words coming back at them, a person can see they might not be clear enough and will automatically explain. If he's not picking up that you didn't get it by now, then you simply ask, can you explain what you mean by that? And if it was important enough to him to tell you in the first place, he will try to put it in different words to explain what he meant.

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Hi, been dating for a few months but known for more than a year. In our late 20’s. But I feel and he feels as well we’re getting deeper in our relationship. However, when we first started dating he said, ‘it’s like you’re my soulmate.’ He loves me and I love him. He says he adores me. But when he mentioned soulmate what did he mean by that? Thanks all!

The definition of soulmate as found in Merriam Webster dictionary is 1 : a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
2 : a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs

That just doesn't share enough detail to even give you a good clue what it means and whether you have that with your partner.

I can say my 2nd husband is my soulmate. And I can also verify that the 10 items listed for soulmate couples does ring true for me. Here is that article and list:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/elements-of-a-soulmate_b_3595992.html

So if he is using this to describe what he feels with you, it may not be as in depth as the list in the link but most people at least understand that it means something like the most perfect match for you. And that is probably what your boyfriend is thinking. This is part statement part complement because its voicing what you see and feel that currently is,and that's the statement and sharing that you have all the right traits, beliefs, personality to match him, the compliment.
Keep hold of the list and see if any of those qualities in a soulmate relationship ring true for you now or develop to more fully represent all of those points.
I will be honest and say We do not call flashbacks of being together in past lives. But the others, strange as some may seem do ring true for us. For example in 4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws. I'd have to say its not so much that I love his flaws, but I understand it is part of the package deal and in comparison to all the things I really do love about him, I find the flaws don't bother or irritate me, I am more of the tendency to be forgiving of them and not hold grudges. Part of why it is so easy to overlook and not pounce on each wrong is the fact he treats me the same and isn't bothered by my flaws. There is some kind of unearthly patience with each other. Then on the point of 'You’re mentally inseparable' They mention it being like twins and finishing each others sentences. I have that happen all the time but there's another. I may not have even starting speaking a thought for him to finish when he picks up on what I was thinking about saying but hadn't yet. Like the day I thought I'd like to go out for Thai food for dinner. I am about to ask when he says, Hey hon, I've been thinking, we haven't been to our favorite restaurant in a while, lets go tonight. And I reply, I was just about to say the same. And we go. Its not like it happens every day all day long but it'll happen a few times each week.
The last on the list of tending to look each other in the eye more often when speaking than other couples, wasn't something that occurred to me that soulmates do but I would have to say that is true now that I think of it. It probably doesn't occur to others much either. For one thing, because we both have such deep seated confidence and trust in each other, we will look into each others eyes quite a lot knowing we don't have to fear seeing anger, ridicule or something else negative there. All we see is love and support and understanding.
It also seems to go beyond the limits of two separate bodies and when hugging or cuddling, most the times we feel each others energy like a live thing between us. Think of the energy of a squirming playful little puppy and thats what we feel between our bodies or sometimes it feels like a trading or blending of energies, like the blending of two paints, blue and yellow to make green. You might show your boyfriend the list and ask if this is what he is feeling to clarify what it is he really meant but its safe to say it was a compliment no matter what.



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So I got invited to this girls dinner party, the problem is I I only know her and she invited over 30 people. I’m very introverted and I don’t do well in social situations especially something as intimate as a dinner party so I was wondering if you had any tips on how I can survive this. I don’t want to sit beside her cause I’m pretty sure she probably has an idea of the seating arrangements. She even told me I could bring a friend but none of my friends want to go. I’ve been in social situations where I didn’t know anybody like my university orientation week but it is different than this because everyone there didn’t know each other so it was easier to socialize but this dinner party majority of the people knew each other from high school. Please help I’m 18 btw

I've got tips for you and I've used these myself since I started with social anxiety and being introverted. I now have no social anxiety and am closer to extroverted. I've gotten very good at talking to strangers. In most random situations, such as waiting in line at Starbucks or at grocery check out, I am always saying something to someone I don't know. I continue to do so to keep the skills sharp. I do not introduce myself.
At a dinner party where everyone knows the hostess, I would start off with introducing myself. You may not be the only one who doesn't know everyone else. But either way, always put some of the truth into what you say to start with introductions. Don't wait til you are seated. While mingling at first, walk up to a person or group of people. If you find it hard to break in to introduce yourself, then try where theres just one person or a two people talking. Walk up and wait to break in, if they don't stop to at least look at you, place a hand on the upper arm of one person. This is a silent way to let a person know you would like their attention. THis is taught for parents to teach their children and is called the 'interrupt rule'. It works marvelously with any people. I taught it to my kids from a parenting class and began to use it myself. I'll give an example shortly.
When a persons arm is touched, they will usually finish their thought or sentence but also want to know who is wanting to talk to them and will turn to you. This is where you share the same thing with each person there to make it easy for you. Just remember to say. Hi, I only know the hostess here and would like to remedy that. My name is ____ and what's your name? When given their name, make a comment like "Great, know I know two people here!" Be enthusiastic in tone or at least smile.

A smile and compliments go a long ways to making other people naturally want to introduce themselves. A smile means you are approachable and friendly. A compliment can lead to conversations.

Don't worry about speaking first to people you don't know. About 80 to 90 percent of people have personalities that are very friendly but not many will speak to others they don't know first. I always have to be first. However, as I said most people are friendly and will respond and continue to talk and open up once spoken to first.
So besides introducing yourself, what to say first? Compliment. People even like compliments from someone they don't know. Make it genuine though. Find something about each person you can truly compliment them on. Lets say you find a certain haircut very flattering on one of the girls and you walk up to her and say, "I couldn't help noticing your hairstyle. Its so flattering on you. " She will thank you and may make a comment about it herself. If she doesn't, think of another comment related to hair such as you've never worn your hair that way because..... or ask if she's always worn her hair that way or where she gets her hair cut,, no matter that you don't plan to go there. Or you can always say, 'it must be easy to take care of' if shorter. Both my husband and I do this with people and have never had a stranger look at us oddly or not reply in some way.

As mentioned, a good way to go about this maybe after introducing yourself to a group of people is simply to stand and listen to what they are discussing. Look for a topic or comment you can make. If they are discussing lets say an experience they all have gone through but you haven't, but you know of someone who did and what it was like for them, you can always say, I have something related to that. NOt that it happened to me but someone I know. (without mentioning names they can connect possibly to people later if they meet, it is okay to share and not gossip) Then tell the story. I have been places where everyone was talking about stuff I did not have any clue about or it was boring to me but I politely smiled and still stood there waiting for a break in the conversation. Plan ahead while waiting what question you will ask to bait them all into turning to another subject matter. It doesn't have to be something you need to know but I will make something up sometimes to see if I can turn a conversation to another subject matter. Make it sound like you're asking for advice, Like, 'hey, to change the topic, I really like Thai food. Can anyone recommend good places to go for that around here? Even if you truly do like the type of food you mentioned and have favorite places and don't need this advice, if you couldn't think of anything else to ask, you get the topic changed to food. You could ask again after anyones shared whether anyone knows any good recipes to make some of the ethnic foods themselves. Or mention the restaurant you like to anyone who seemed to share a fondness for that type of food and ask if they've been there. Any little thing that pertains to you and your experience at a restaurant is okay to share. For example I do like Thai and one place I went to so often and usually ordered one of two things that the servers recognized me on sight and would ask which of the two dishes I wanted that day. Another place was empty the day my husband and I went and the wife cooked and the husband was the server (a small place) So I sometimes tell people it was fun to have the owner pull up a chair and talk to us about the plum saki they had when my husband asked for plum wine. He brought out samples for us to try to see if we liked. My husband makes mead and told the guy about it. Thats what got him to sit down for a few minutes to chat with us and he said he would love to try our mead next time we came back. We made sure to do that. Now that I have given others a topic to grasp at, making your own spirits, or what is Mead if they don't know, it leads to more conversation.
Do the same and really listen to what others are saying because you can use a word or phrase they mentioned to switch the topic and share something.

Lets practice. I'll give you a sentence and you try to come up with side tracking conversations from a phrase or word that you can latch on to and use. And you start with saying "going back to what you said about ..... " and then share.

"He met his mother in law for the first time at his wedding to her daughter. And the colors of the bridesmaids dresses were so unflattering. But what I wanted to say is that he noticed some guy always hanging by the mothers side and he assumed it was just a cousin or family member. Imagine his surprise when he learned that the younger guy was actually his mother in laws boyfriend. She looked like she was enjoying being the cougar."

Now there are a few tangents you can take off that to talk about something as long as you have something to share. Even if you don't have anything to share, try to list the topics that could be latched on to from what was just said. Then scroll down and read my examples.

The topic of:

Weddings in general

Meeting ones in laws for the first time if its a funny or equally interesting story

Unflattering bridesmaid dresses you have seen

Best colors for skin types and how likely the color chosen wasn't flattering for most the skin types.

Assumptions you've made in the past where you were shocked to learn the truth later

Younger guys with older females,

Women who enjoy being a cougar, what type of woman would it take to easily do the part

Why would an older woman want a younger man

I just came up with 8 possibilities to say something related to what another person just said. Likely others will comment on what they said and might change the subject doing the same thing, picking up on a word or phrase. All you have to do is the sentence I gave, "Getting back to what you first said about.....and pharaphrase what she said that you want to use to talk about." Of course this takes practice.

Again, do not be afraid to talk to people and start first. I have studied personality types and the major of people actually do fit into being social, not hermit types. Its so rare that I try to talk to someone who doesnt want to talk. See, people who are loners, don't like big groups or social settings or meeting new people are not going to torture themselves by placing themselves in a social setting. These would be people who are not suffering social anxieties but simply are loners and not a people person. Its so seldom I run into someone like this, I can't remember the last time it ever happened that I talked to someone who wanted to be left alone. Hope this helps you. If you belive its less being introverted which is personality type and more like social anxiety you suffer from, then let me know and I'll give you the complete tips I went through to be healed of my social anxiety. You can reach me by going to my column and writing to me from there.


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So I'm going to sound completely crazy, but stay with me. I hypothetically have a crush who didn't like me back. The chemical formula for love is as follows: dopamine, seratonin, and oxytocin. This could be created in a lab, though an overdose in the substance would result in insanity. So if I got a hold of these substances all together, and caused someone to drink it in the correct amount so they don't lose their head, could I potentially create the same effect as a love potion? If so, how may I go about doing this? I've thought about putting it in their drink or on their food perhaps, though it would look really creepy if I was caught pouring random substances onto someones things. Any responses?

If you put anything into someones food or drink that they did not ask for, then if there were some adverse reaction like lets say they are allergic to a substance, that could be asking for a jail sentence. Think of rape drug. I know you're not talking about rape but same thing, putting something into someones drink to 'get your way'.

The sad thing is, if there is no chemistry between people, it can not be manufactured. This chemistry I speak of, to me is having pheromones that are much alike. If only a little the same or not the same at all, there most likely will be no connection or attraction to each other.

The attraction has to be for real and that means attracted to the person in more than just sexual ways. Although I have heard of being able to buy pheromones that might put a person in the mood for sex, that is just for sex. I know someone who used it and it did not work beyond that. The other person wanted sex but they had nothing else in common and the relationship never took off, all it was is a one time encounter.

I recommend you look for someone you have a chemistry with. A crush is only a one way feeling with the other person not aware of or aware and not interested. The strongest and most rewarding relationships have two bases as the foundation, one being each others best friend. Now not all best friends or opposite or same sex may have that pheremone connection between them so there may be no spark for the other part of that foundation of being each others sexual equals. For that there needs to be that physical attraction, that sizzle and spark between two people and also having same libido, either both high or both low and having interest in same things sexually or both being adventurous to try new things. There's a lot that can go into this to be right for each other. If both areas are not there then the relationship will either not happen, or be a very poor, unhappy one and may not last. The sad part is that a good majority of people are married to someone who is only one or the other, a best friend not poor or no sex so there is cheating, or the best sex but there is no friendship and they fight like cats and dogs. I know so many people in one or the other situation. My first husband was neither best friend or sexual match. My second husband is both.
I have also dated guys who were only a slight chemistry, very nice people, but the interest on both parts didn't last long, usually a couple dates or a month at most.

Do not carry thru on this. Sure it would look creepy but far worse is what others would have to say, that it is morally wrong and legally wrong. To stay out of trouble, drop this idea.

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Right, could you guys explain when a friend says he don’t know when he’s asked if he loves his girlfriend. We’re good friends. Lately he’s been having a bit of a problem in his relationship as he don’t seem to be into her anymore. The only fact I’m thinking he’s still with her is that they have a 2 year old boy together plus they live together. I’d like to help him and I asked him do you love her, do you still love her, he replied he don’t know, I said either yes or no mate?! I think he has a sympathy towards her because they have a young kid together. I want him to be happy as he’s looks miserable plus few of my other friends like him and he’s a good lad overall. Any advice please?! Do you guys reckon he’s fallen out of love with his girlfriend or still loves her when he said simply he don’t know?? Thanks

Theres love and theres in love. Technically you would think its the same. We overuse the word love to describe many things other than a relationship like I absolutely love surfing, or I love chocolate or I love the Dallas Cowboys football team. People can change their minds easily and perhaps chocolate is still liked but now their favorite thing they love is cheesecake. This kind of love is one that you can get along without chocolate in your life or seeing your favorite sports team. So if something bad happened and your favorite team disbanded and no longer played, oh well, you find another favorite easily even tho you might miss your team. People tend to think of relationships that way. They love certain aspects of a person but if that person was not in their life, they could easily go on because they were not 'in love' with that person. If you are in love, you know it and your partner knows it and if by some accident you lose them and they die, you feel your life is over because the two of you were so much a part of each others life that it feels like you just lost a piece of yourself like an arm or a leg. And they were so unique that no one else can replace them, you can't just find another person like you'd switch to watching a different team that you now love.
If he answers he doesn't know, then I'd have to say, he was never in love with her but only liked/loved a few things about her and that is not enough to carry a relationship along life long. I understand they have a child but if the child is raised with parents who do not love each other, they can not learn what a happy solid relationship is like. So if two people who are badly mismatched or no longer love each other remain together, it really isn't good for themselves and the child(ren) If the commitment level in the beginning was strong enough like marriage or a couple who without license promised to be with each other life long, then it is a good idea to go for couples counseling. Not to automatically save a relationship but first find out what the actual issues might be and realize whether they still love each other. The problem is that most dating couples with issues never were in love to begin with and don't want to go for counseling to learn what is wrong and fix it. If in love, yes, most would want to discover the problem and work on fixing it but to invest money and time on a counselor when a person never invested life long commitment into a relationship, is something that rarely happens. If he was truly in love once and now feels neglected because of the amount of time focused on the child instead of him, well that is a typical problem that arises for some couples. That can be worked through if they still love each other but the child distracted them from each other. With all I've explained, its best to get counseling to discover where they still stand with each other. If they won't do that, it might be best to split, he does child support and each finds themselves a new partner they really are in love with.

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So I'm a 14 year old girl, and I know it sounds ridiculous to say this at my age, but I really think I've found the one. He treats me like I'm an absolute goddess, supports my dreams in life, and we have so much in common and I'm just really attracted to him and his personality. We've been dating for months now and everyone at our High school knows (mostly bc he shows me off constantly lol) except our families. We hang out after school when we stay late for "help in a class."

So I'm an Arab American-Syrian from my dad's side and Palestinian from my mom's side to be exact. We're also Catholic. He's 100% Russian and a Jew. See how this is a tricky situation?

So we've both discussed anxiety over telling our family. His family doesn't mind him dating other religions but they've always had a kind of fear of Arabs...especially Palestinians and Syrians. My family is really closeminded on Jews, I was pretty much taught from a young age that they're all chasing money and world domination, and that they'd wipe out "people like us" first chance they get. When I invited a friend over who was Jewish, they were a little uneasy. My dad and my grandparents on his side also despise Russians, mainly because of their airstrikes in Syria.

I really love him and don't wanna lose him because of our stupid families. He expressed being afraid that I'd want to leave him if his family treated me poorly, which I said I wouldn't do, and he said the same. But our families would eventually have to know and accept it if we are going to have a life together.

Neither of us have got a single clue on how we are going to convince our parents that Arabs and Jews are not all evil shits. If anyone has experience in this matter or thinks they know what to do, what should we do?

From how you described the bf, he sounds absolutely wonderful dear, and that is so rare to find a guy like that at your age. My second husband is supportive and not only treats me like a Goddess but calls me his Goddess. Though very rare to meet your future husband in HS, it is possible.

Worst case scenerio is that neither of your families come around to accepting and trusting. This could mean families disowning the two of you if you decide to marry. That however is a ways off. And I guarantee you that due to your age most people will think it is puppy love or tell you to forget him and figure by time you graduate or go to college you'll feel differently. While that could happen, if your guy is like my husband was already as a teen, then he most likely will still be just as wonderful a guy plus even more mature as he grows older. That bad thing is that letting the family know now may make them forbid you to see each other, even the little you do, and you may want to wait until you are both 18 and considered adults and can choose for yourself. On the other hand, even if you find a way to wait until you are 18, you may be together but theres no way to know if they will come around or forbid you two to marry. It can be a lonely road to have family pretend you don't exist.
I think without mentioning there is a guy you like, or him mentioning you, that both of you work on the family by starting discussions on the topic of how each individual needed to be evaluated based on their own qualities, not that of their race or religion and there are bad apples so to speak in every race and in every religion and since people are more drawn to bad news than good news, that's what the media shares. Without hearing anything good about a race or religion, people begin to form unrealistic ideas and feelings about others. You need to be respectful, no yelling or shouting but bringing home the jewish friend or new friends who are jewish. YOu said they were uneasy. All they need is to get used to seeing a girlfriend like that often enough to see her own qualities and how likeable and trustworthy she is as an individual, not for her race or religious affiliation. Get them used to this concept now...before you turn 18 and openly start dating and though there still may be bumps, I am sure their responses won't be as drastic since they've had a chance to get used to it.

The hardest thing for way in the future is not your races but watch you teach your children religion wise. WIse parents teach their children of both, like Catholic and Jewish faiths and leave it up to their children once they become adults to choose whichever way they want to go. They may choose to study even more beliefs before they decide if at all.
I have a mom who was full German and a Dad who was full Jewish though a german citizen. Grew up in America and heard all Germans called Nazis because of what was done to the Jews. Yet I was of both races. It never bothered me because the parents never made a big deal of it. We heard the stories of their war time experiences. Smart Jews pretended to be Catholic or Lutheran. Dad was so used to that, they raised us with the traditional church based route but when we were teens, Dad began to introduce some of the Jewish traditions, holidays as he tried to recapture what he lost as a child. He was still Christian now but found a Jewish christian church. Not that this applies to you but no matter what differences two people may come from race or religion wise, they can both find a middle ground they are happy with as far as what they present to and model for their children.

I wish you the best dear. If you need to ever discuss anything related or different in the future, just write to me.

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Theres this guy, 17m, named Grant and weve never met but I, 17f, miss him more than I probably should. He does this thing where he leaves me on open (on snapchat) to "assert his dominance" as he likes to call it and ive been grounded for a few months so i rarely talk to him so i think thats why i miss him. Im pretty sure he doesnt like me back but i cant help how i feel. Is it normal to want and miss him? How do i stop since he more than likely doesn't feel the same?

I was wondering about your initial question until I opened and read your message. The fact this is all on the internet explains it fully to me whats going on. Lets see if I can get you up to date.
First I must establish with you the fact that as our mind thinks, our emotions will follow.
Here's a great example: Lets say you watched a particularly sad movie you can relate to because its about teens in HS and you are crying along with the girl in the story when she is mistreated by someone or bullied or dumped. Although things like that do happen in life, your mind knows these were just actors in a made up story but you now also feel hate toward the guy who hurt the girl so bad. Everytime you see that actor, you may not really like him all because of how you hated his character in the movie.
What your mind takes in and experiences, will produce feelings of 'oh that's good' 'oh that's so sad', even if you are simply watching a movie or a bystander to an event.

Now lets transfer that to the internet and friendships on there and internet dating. I am not against stuff like this as I have done it too but there is a proper way and a wrong way. I found my second husband thru internet dating site. But I am an older generation who grew up during a time the only technology we had was land line phones. Phones were not used to talk on end with people you could easily do so face to face but only those who lived across town, in another state, etc.
On the net, you are being presented only by what the other person wants to show you or tell you. Pics can be carefully selected to not show what they truly look like in person. They can say things that you have no way of knowing you can trust because you are not with them in person seeing how they support their claim of who and what they are personality wise by being consistently always the same no matter the situation. We have many senses too but we can't employ them all over the net, cus you don't know how he smells, how he keeps house, how he treats other people, not just you, and worst of all is liking how a guy thinks, maybe his sense of humor and statements of what he is interested in, but when you finally meet in person, no matter if he looks like a male model, there is no sexual chemistry, that spark is missing. Believe me, its possible. I once met with a guy who looked like a model but we both didn't feel that sizzle and spark between us.
So, I attempt to tell everyone that the sooner you take a friendship out of the internet into real life, you can then find out if it will work or not. right now your emotions are based only on what you have liked on the internet. There is no real basis in real life situations and as you said , he may not be interested in you either. This is why I believe using the internet as a tool simply to learn of the existence of someone else, is the best way to go. Unfortunately, it is often best to meet in person in a weeks time or a couple weeks at least, the less time your mind is left to its own imaginings the better. And therefore, it is important that one doesn't go looking for people who live too far away or in another state or another country. In dating sites, you can set how many miles you are willing to travel to see a person and if its a new relationship and you are still in the learning stage of discovering things about a guy to decide if you will commit to him or not, then the more often per week you see each other in person, the better. My current and 2nd husband whom I met on the net, were 45 minutes away from each other. That is easily workable. We talked nightly after work for two weeks before we were able to free our schedules to meet in person. I think we both knew once in person this was the one right. We both felt like we'd been friends forever and we both felt that chemistry, even though he left it to me to make the first move to kiss him. Before I met him, there was one guy I talked to every day only for a week before we went to meet at a restaurant. Not only did he not look much like his photo, but he'd hid that he was very overweight. Nothing against that, there are some body types that are naturally more chunky and can lose control of their weight but it they are eating healthy and get some exercise, then you know this is the best they are going to be. NOpe, not this guy, he ordered meat and potato swimming in gravy and no vegetables. In asking him, he ate this all the time, never ate vegetables although on line, he agreed he was into healthy eating diets like myself and natural health, etc. So not only was he not what I expected, he had lied and I was not about to tolerate lying or a man who kept things from me. Yet before meeting him, I was so enamored already and could hardly wait to meet in person and felt all those good giddy feelings, and if he didn't call on time, already missed talking to him. Its a mental battle you have to engage in, because your mind will feel what it feels based on what you have had your mind focused on. Stop talking to him on line, and thats the end of it...simple. But you may not want to do that. The longer you keep yourself feeling tied to someone on the net who may not work out, you leave yourself as off the shelf and not available for any local guy who may treat you like a queen. Although at your age, most guys have quite a steep learning curve yet ahead to know exactly how to be a real good trustworthy stable man and how to treat a woman properly.
I would remedy what is getting you grounded so you have your parents trust again. THis means you actually change, don't fake it. Then meet guys whom you can date in person. LDRs are not as wonderful as many think they are. If however you simply pretend to go along with the parents and then meet a wonderful guy but end up grounded again, now you can't go see your bf. So unless its something trivial or your parents are way off base, its best to learn your lesson and shape up so the grounding gets lifted dear. I know this part sounds harsh but if you look at it this way, meeting the right guy and then getting grounded again for repeating what you did wrong the first time, then that would be torture and very sad. Think a couple steps ahead to any of your actions as to whatever possible outcomes there might be and you will find it easier to make the right decisions.

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I had been "talking", well i thought we were talking, to this dude that I really like and then it turns out he was having sex with every girl under the sun and sexting all sorts of girls. I found out he cheated on his ex after he told me she was the one who was messing around behind his back. So he was lying and messing with other girls but was leading me on and i STILL like him. Why do I like him still? How do i get out of this vicious cycle with this particular guy?

Just a wild guess here, but based on psychology, I do know a tiny bit about how things can go between our conscious mind and our subconscious mind. It would seem yours are at odds having different ideas of what they want. While your conscious mind recognizes that this kind of guy is not the right kind to have a seriously in love happy ever after relationship with, your subconscious mind believes differently, enjoying some of the parts of the bad boy image. Perhaps she (your sub.mind) actually likes aspects of this type, less boring-more exciting, less predictable, more unpredictable, surprising, etc... A good guy who is devoted to you can be like this too if he is outgoing and self confident enough.

Sometimes it is hard to deal with changing or taking control over your sub. mind (SM) because it is much like having a second person inhabiting your Birthday suit. Best to treat ths SM as if you would a totally different person with ideas of their own. Think of it as a difficult roommate in your house you own. You have to set the rules and keep telling your SM until she breaks her bad habits. Mine is pretty much on friendly basis with me but I have had to use this tactic before too. However you have to be consistant.

In your case, every time you think of the guy and feel love feelings, tell your subconscious (it helps sometimes to give it a name or ask its name) tell it that this kind of guy is not right for both of you and does not deserve your love. Let your SM know you are looking out for her too and don't want to see her hurt either but you do realize there are some aspects that she is attracted to in those types. Promise her that you will accept her help in finding a good loyal one woman man who also has some of the attractive but non harmful aspects you find yourself going for in the bad boy types. Tell her she now has to stop generating feelings of love for this guy because he's not good for you. Then every time your SM wanders back to thinking about him, stop right there and remind her that she needs to stop focusing on him without the longer explanation. You may have to do this more times a day than you can imagine. Think of something like every 5 minutes. It can be bad but if you are diligent and keep up with it the first day or two are toughest and most exhausting mentally. Kind of like saying No over and over to a little child who hasn't felt the pain yet of touching a hot stove. But once they do, they know it is painful and its more likely your saying no will give them pause, or make them stop immediately . This is what you need to accomplish with your SM, by being consistent in reminding her of how things are going to go from now on. I swear, at times it's like my conscious mind feels like the adult and my SM is the child, or maybe you've heard the term 'inner child'? Yep, that describes the SM pretty good but its also at the same time got that wisdom beyond a childs years, so it is good to be on friendly terms with your SM. The only way I can think of if you don't want to go through all this is forcing your SM by hypnosis. Hypnosis goes past your conscious mind and gives suggestions straight to your subconscious mind. And the effect you want is immediate. A girlfriend used hypnosis when a coworker got kicks out of scaring the waitresses, jumping out at them in the kitchen so they dropped what they had, and she became so anxious, she was jumpy even when the guy wasn't there so she went for hypnosis and problem solved, she never startled again. You may still meet some guys yet who are not the best as you and your SM are learning how to be on the same page about things. But then running for hypnosis every time you meet a guy who isn't right but you like him, can get quite expensive and just isn't practical anymore. This is a life skill that will help you in your future life in many areas and unfortunately the masses of humanity do not have a clue and this concept is not taught. But it sure has helped me in my life. I had an abusive 1st husband and once I left him, the first guy I dated ended up abusive in different ways as well. So once you and your SM are in agreement, like when I left my ex, you may be tested for your own sake, so you can know it wasn't just a fluke, an accident that you somehow left a bad guy. I believe I had to know that I really truly did learn my lesson in how to spot and identify the wrong type and i couldn't always tell on a first date. Sometimes it took until the 3rd day or a month before the guy stopped hiding his true self or got careless and I saw him for who he really was. When I saw this, no matter what emotions were there, I ended it. The emotional feelings attached ended when I was able to have my SM agree that she recognized the bad stuff and didn't want it any longer either. I can't say how it will go for you. Your emotions do follow how you think so the battle really is in your mind. Settle it there and the emotions will follow suit. If anything here has been unclear, let me know and write me from my column and I will try to explain better.

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