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How can I overcome my isolated, unhappy years (ages 10-22) to be happy
I was happiest as a kid, but I still spent too much time reading books and would rarely socialize. For whatever reason, nature or nurture, I also had bad social anxiety and was very shy. Onto my teen years and everything just got worse. As the years went by, I had fewer and fewer years until my senior year, the year most people have good memories about and I have none. I had no friends in my grade and only hung out with my freshman neighbor a couple of times who I’m sure pitied me. Never went to any school dance, got invites to any parties, or even had anyone over at my house. When I tried to reach out to people, they’d never reach out to me, even if it took me a lot of effort to break from my anxiety and inexperience to ask. And that wasn’t even my rock bottom. I was still very depressed over high school when I started college and it was just completely a disaster for me academically. It wasn’t til I changed to a healthy diet a few years ago did I finally begin seeing my life turn around. My peers have graduated, are married, dating, traveling the world and I feel so juvenile compared to them. I’m getting As in all my classes for the first time since early middle school, before I started comparing myself to others and growing increasingly depressed. I’m a lot healthier and am finally getting guys hitting on me but I still feel embarrassed about my past and how I’ll really catch up to not waste the rest of my 20s (I’m 23) as I wasted most of my childhood and teen years. My parents were to busy to notice and were more focused on affording material things than having family time and intervening. I’m over it. I just sometimes feel great as I’m totally changing for the better but after deleting all my social media I’ve been further isolated since I was 19. I want to go back but I’m scared. I feel like I have to reach a certain level of success or people will just discard me as I was discarded and ignored before. I’m always nice to people but I now know that’s not enough
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My parents did not notice anything with me either that seemed out of place. I had extreme social anxiety as a child and teen. Back then it was just called shyness. And being shy was something like being the more quiet person who was slow to warm up in social settings but once there, you were fine. Well, no...I wasn't even that. I have a self guided cure you can do. I followed the same thing to cure myself right at the time of graduation. I was so sick and tired of being so socially terrified and unable to talk and make friends that I got to a place of wanting to do what it took to be cured. My dad was outgoing, Mom was quiet. I wanted to be like Dad, as he was always making new friends at work and bringing them home for a visit. Me and the siblings had a ton of 'Uncles' because it it, growing up.
Now that I no longer have the anxiety, looking back, I can see why others didn't choose to try too hard to befriend me. Even now, I would not want to hang out long term with someone who was so scared to socialize if they did not want to improve, because truthfully, I would find them boring. So its not the others who are unfriendly towards you dear and That is something you need to trust in true. Well, maybe 1 in the bunch but the majority of people are personality types that are very friendly toward other people but most want others to speak to them first. Since most people won't do that, not even at my HS reunion, someone has to be first, and that was me. I was the first to approach people, read their names tags if I wasn't sure who they were. Others I went to talk to if they were standing all alone and not talking to anyone.
Also, do not think of all these years as wasted ones. I was like that from as early as I could remember, as a toddler and kindergartener and finally did something to be cured by time of my graduation from HS. Perhaps I needed to know what it was like so that I could help others one day because I truly know what it is like. Lots of us are somewhat anxiety ridden and just want to be liked when we're teens. But I know from what you've shared that its more serious. I can also tell you've reached the point I did, where tho I was still scared a bit of social things, I was more scared of being like this the rest of my life and frankly so tired of it. I never blamed other people though for not reaching out to me. So being ignored, discarded or teased, I realized was all because of what I was like. I wasn't also wanting to change to be liked more by others although that's important. I wanted to change because I
instinctively saw how it could improve my whole life, especially in dealing with bill collectors, with co workers and a boss, with neighbors, etc.
There will always be interaction with other people as long as you are not the last person alive on the planet.
You say you want to reach a level of success first before whatever you do, like reaching out to people. That is way easier than you may think. It only took me maybe 2 months of applying myself daily with the exercises I had to do to be cured. This is not my own list of idea's but the same model of what a psychiatrist wrote he did with other people to cure of social anxiety. So trust me, it works. Once you are cured and have no problem speaking a sentence or two to people, you will be ready for ideas on how to start convo's and how to keep them going. So ask me when ready for that. And please write back and let me know how it works for you. I truly care about this because I see so many people on anxiety meds and see how it still doesn't help them. Working with my distorted thinking was the only thing that really helped and following this list will help. Ignore those scary thoughts of what if's and just plunge in dear. Start at the beginning or at any level you have already mastered.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2 I was so bad, even smiling scared me.
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Use the situation you are in or shared with someone to start a conversation. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying questions to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking at all weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when ripe so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.
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