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I’m finally ready for a relationship but?
I say this a lot but I honestly think I’m finally ready to have a relationship (I’m 19 and still never been in one). The only problem is if you’ve seen my previous questions I’ve had serious anxiety around attractive guys. I’m introverted and socially awkward in general, no matter who you are whether we’ve been friends for a long time or not. If we talk I’m pro at giving awkward silences they’re not awkward for me but i can tell it’s awkward for the person talking to me cause they try to continue the convo but I don’t really have much to say (especially if I don’t know you). Sometimes I’ll have days where I just won’t talk if we’re in the car cause there’s nothing to say. I can talk to my family just fine (only one incident where I was in the car with my mom waiting for my dad I didn’t have anything to say to her so I was quiet the whole trip and she got mad that I didn’t talk but I was fine) anyways back to my topic I think I’m gettig better with guys, there’s guys that work at my job and before I couldn’t talk to guys (that I found attractive in general, and the guys that I didn’t find attractive I still barely talked to them) at my job but now I don’t really care, I can say hi and bye to them, I can ask questions I don’t care. My strategy is thinking that they’re younger than me because I don’t know their ages I didn’t ask them but the youngest person I met at my job was 15 (cause I’m not attracted to guys younger than me). So there’s this guy in one of my lectures I’m thinking of obviously being his friend first before I try anything do you have any tips on how to talk to him or strategies to have more confidence and keep convos going? Thank you for your advice in advance
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If you've seen how much I can put into an answer, then you know I am not a person of few words, not with anyone. So I hope you believe me when I confess I used to be in your place with social anxiety. It was so bad I could never get up to go use the automatic pencil sharpener for fear of all the students that might just look at me. It was just talk, but I would crumble into a quivering mess at the thought of people looking at or staring at me. Thats bad.
So I can tell you hon, that trying to gain only enough confidence to direct it at cute guys is not how it works. You need to focus on being able to talk to any stranger, not just those you know, any age, any sex, any thing different from you. It was a daunting task when I started out but the info I got to follow to get over my extreme anxiety worked so well. It does sound like you are coming at it in the same way, tricking your mind into doing certain things that should make it easier. So dear, I am really excited to share my solution with you. Best of all, you go at your own pace but work on it every day, the talking to people and starting short convo's. Just to just you a better idea of how much I changed, in HS I considered most everyone to be more outgoing and brave than me. I attended my 40th HS reunion and found that other than maybe 5 people there, i was the social butterfly, going around talking to almost every person who was there, talking to those who stood awkwardly alone. Came home with a dozen new FB friends and more sent requests after if that means anything to you. People wanted to keep in touch with the girl who was once one of the most anxiety ridden people in our class. Do not think my solution is just nice advice off the top of my head. In later years, I came across books, one in particular by a psychologist now turned author and what he wrote about doing for a patient with social anxiety was the same basic stuff i had gone through, so yes, it is Dr. approved to work. If you are afraid it might take medication to get rid of anxiety, I can explain why it is not needed. Anxiety comes of distorted thinking. There is nothing chemically wrong inside the person, just work with fixing the thinking and you are cured. Depression on the other hand can sometimes be the clinical kind whether certain hormones for the brain are not being produced by the body and you need to take the synthetic version prescribed by pychiatrist. There is depression also caused by only the stress and distorted thinking and this kind can be cured easily too by following a slightly different set of things to do to recover.
So now, the list:
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when ripe so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.
I have more suggestions that are geared only to how to start conversations with people. I will give that to you when you ask and with suggestions of in general and when addressing guys. But you need to get to a place first of being comfortable with walking up to a person you don't know and starting convo first or it won't work for talking to a guy, cute or not. If I read you wrong and you are ready for it now, let me know by writing to me from my column.
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