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Having a relationship with my grandmother again
This is probably jumbled and random. I'm a little upset, so I apologize. Thank you in advance.
When I was little, my maternal grandmother lived with us a lot. I had a very close relationship with her, as I do with my mother. Her whole life she's had a hard time with personal relationships, and she's moved around and met different men, none of which have been pleasant. Right now she lives with an old man with a farm, and he's a little off his rocker, and doesn't like to go out or be around people, and besides getting anxious sometimes, he isn't that bad of a guy. However, they have this idea that they just cannot leave the farm unless they need something because they might get sick, and of course, they can't afford that. I haven't seen my grandmother in around a year, even though she lives about half an hour away. My step dad and 8 year old brother saw them from across the street at a gas station. They all made eye contact, but couldn't even be bothered to wave. Just last year, when I was still in highschool I had a lead roll in our winter musical, and we were doing South Pacific. It's my grandmother's favorite, and she promised she'd come see. It was the only thing that kept me from dropping out. She didn't come. Graduation rolled around, and I sent out invitations. She sent me a letter saying that she and her boyfriend or whatever he is would "be there in spirit." I cried both times. I know she's never had the best mental health, but it makes me angry. I want to write her a letter, but I don't even know what to say to her. My mother hasn't really ever had the best relationship with her, and it's at it's worst right now. They haven't spoken in months. Grandma sends occasional cards. She doesnt know what my siblings are up to, she doesn't know I moved out, or that I'm seeing someone. I'm so hurt by her lack of action, but I miss her. I know where they live, and I want to go see her, but I don't know if that would be the right course of action. I'm upset right now, so this whole thing is probably very jumbled. I also don't know if I should take how my mom would feel if I went to see her into consideration. I'm 18 and it's not really any of her business, but I love my mother very much. Also, I don't see or talk to my family much, despite living 8 blocks away, and I don't want another confrontation about it..
I want to see my grandmother again. What should I do???
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Hey, I know things in your family aren't like you wanted them to be, so I'm sorry you had to face it. Your loved ones bring a happiness in your life that certain things can not fill, I can imagine the pain you are feeling and the doubts that go through your mind. But you're 18 years old and you live alone, you can decide what you think is best for yourself, if seeing your grandmother will make you happy, you should go see her. Follow your heart. I think you should take the initiative to talk to your mother and let her know that you want to see your grandmother. I believe you should take the first step and go see your grandmother and see what happens. See if this will help you and help bring you closer and maybe even your mother and her closer too. I'm sure she didn't want to hurt you for not showing up at these important events you wanted and needed her. Now, if you go and nothing changes, know that it's not your fault and sometimes families move away. You can still love her and take care of her while she's not around her yet. Maybe in the end, if it doesn't work out, send her cards like she does to you. But I'm sure everything will work out. Try to go see her.
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If it makes you happy, you should see her. Bring your mother if you think you should or if it makes you comfortable. Your grandmother is still the same person. Follow your heart!
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Wow, firstly I am so sorry that you have to face this situation. Your loved ones bring about a happiness in your life that certain things can't fill, I can imagine the pain you're in. It is totally normal to miss her and the rejection you've faced from her makes you seek her approval probably a slight more. You should definately send her the letter, not only so that she would hopefully feel a slight sense of guilt, but also to free yourself of these feelings. Expressing to someone, what they're causing in another's life is essential for change. You might even change her beliefs, maybe she needs to know she is needed by her family as well. Propose that you meet for lunch in the letter, just to catch up as you don't want to intimidate her with a confrontation. If she does not make any attempts after that, you will hopefully live peaceful with the fact that you've tried your best to make amends. Nothing is as comforting as assurance, try to see your family more if it's something you're comfortable with. The love of our families often is what we need to deal with these types of situations. I really hope you reconcile with your grandmother.
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I think you have already touched on the best course of action, writing her that letter. But what to say? Well, it's the start of a new year and trditionally a time to take stock of our lives, weed out the old and unwanted, refresh and renew our desires, aims and ambitions. So why not start along those lines? Keep it light and not 'pushy'. Mention how quickly time seems to go by, you've just realised how long it is since you met up for a good chat and a gossip, and so on. And that you would love to get together. You have so much to tell her. Maybe hint at things rather than be too explicit yet. That might get her curiosity up, and make her eager to know more. And naturally, mention that she must have lots to tell you in return. Again, that's a fairly reliable 'hook' as people rather like talking about themselves. Perhaps also add that life seems so hectic there seems such a lot to do. So lets arrange a definite date so we can both be sure to be free. Then you really have to let her decide and respect her decision, even if it's clearly a 'no'. Hopefully it will be a positive response. It could be a 'maybe' and if so, write again reaffirming the fact that you really want to meet up. If she expresses any uncertainties in her reply, address them in a positive, reassuring 'can do' vibe. I'm getting the feeling that you think her partner may be at the root of this recent reclusive/hermit like lifestyle? You recall her as being outgoing and sociable? I couldn't really comment on this. If they are both happy in their lifestyle there isn't really a problem, after all. If you can meet up you'll probably be able to gauge thngs better. See if that is indeed the case. If you can, I would arrange this such that only you and your boyfriend are involved. The rest of the family don't need to know, and a negative-outcome confontation with them might make the whole project stall, or even die a death. You mention some animosity between her and your mother? I wouldn't combine ideas of a reconcilliation just yet. That might indeed come if things work out, but stick to one objective at a time. Hope you've got some ideas here? Let's use some of those psychological 'hooks' we've talked about. You appear to write clarly and well, even when upset. So start composing and editing a letter that will really get her interested. Best wishes. CJB
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That's very sad that your family is all apart and not in touch much. I think you should take the initiative to talk to your mother and let her know you want to see your grandmother. I believe you should make the first step and go and see your grandmother and see what happens. See if doing that will help her and will help bring you and her closer together and maybe even your mother and her closer together as well. It hurts when you love everyone and you have to be the peacemaker between everyone. I used to be in those kind of spots all the time. It is no fun, but being able to try and be the peacemaker and hoping for the best is better than not doing nothing at all. I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you by not showing up to these important events you wanted and needed her at, but maybe you going to see her will help her open up and you guys can clear the air.
Now if you do go and nothing changes then know it is not your fault and sometimes families just drift apart. You can still love her and care for her while still not being close with her. Maybe in the end if it doesn't work out just send her cards like she does with you.
But I am sure everything will work out. Try going to see her and go from there. Please let me know how everything goes.
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Dear sweet Girl , Your desire to meet ur Grand mom
is a nice thing but please do give consideration to the feelings of your mother who gave you birth. Her right on u is more . Try to discuss the matter with your mom and if she has any objection try to convince her with solid arguments of value of relations within the family. Hope you will get a solution by this discussion
Best of luck
And welcome for any further guidance at my yahoo which is doctorpirzada
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You need to make the first move. You say you want to see your family but you have not made an effort on your own. You are 18 and you can make your own decisions without anyone else's input. Go visit her!
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I agree with everyone else that you should simply go see her. Who you date, people you wish to see, that is your own personal business and nothing you need to pass by the family to get permission for. At 18 you are considered an adult and the parents can not tell you what to do. They can for whatever their own messed up reasons are be angry you saw her but their issues with grandma are their own.
Now for your issues with Grandma, the disappointment of her not showing for your role and for graduation.
I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. I am not young but I also am not that old yet however I can sense how it might be for her. I have only just turned 59 but I can already see the difference of how I catch illnesses more often when I leave home and am out in public. It was worst when I worked in a restaurant and saw lots of strangers every day. Although people came to work sick and I caught it all. I understand there may be some mental health issues which can totally blow the real situation out of proportion but fearing getting ill truly is a sad but true reality for many older people who thus prefer to stay home and only have a few people at a time come visit them.
When a person is older, it takes their body longer to return back to health and a chest cold for a young person doesnt compare to an older person getting one. A year ago, I ended up in emergency on New Years Day with a bronchial congestion so bad that before xrays, the doctor told me he'd suspected start of pnuemonia. I am not currently working and have had less sickness however hubby works with a lot of public and he gets sick and brings it home to me. So visit grandma and be sure you are not sick or have recently been exposed to someone you know was sick as you may feel well but still be able to pass on the germs. It may sound like only a mental health issue about not wanting to leave home and sure there is some paranoia but the reality is that there is a very solid health reason for not wanting to leave home when a person gets older. Its worse for those who are sickly to begin with or have a low immune system.
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My advice is to get in the car and go see her. What is between your mom and your grandmother does not Reflect upon you. You're 18 no longer living at home and an adult in all legal aspect of the word.
Maybe your grandmother is not in the best of heath physically or mentally. That should not stop you from visiting and finding out for yourself just how she is and if she wants a relationship with you.
One other thing a visit will do is you will find out just how well she is caring for herself. You say she is living with someone but not married to him. A visit by you is the perfect opportunity to evaluate the living arrangement and see if it is suitable given her physical and what you believe to be her mental condition.
Should you feel the conditions are a danger to her health and safety and your mother will not do anything then you can because you are an adult. You can contact the appropriate governmental agencies such the department of aging and social services to find what help can be offered her.
So yes go see you grandmother and find out if a relationship can be had. But more importantly make sure she is healthy and well cared for.
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Go see her. I'm a grandmother & really love it when my grands come to visit.
You need to go because she won't come to you. You need to check on her now & then just to make sure she is ok. She may actually fear getting sick or she may just be afraid to leave someone she obviously loves alone at home. He may have some form of dementia. You really won't know unless you visit them. She sends the occasional card so actually she is reaching out to you in a way. After you visit you need to make a point of visiting as often as you can. Call once a week at least & see if she needs anything & check on her.
After your visit with Grandma, go visit your mom. Let her know how grandma is doing & things. If she seems interested, offer to take her to visit with you the next week. If she doesn't seem to want to then don't push it. But you go. Let mom know whats going on if you think she would like to hear.
People tend to get busy with their own lives. I know how it goes because I need to visit my own mom more often. We think about visiting & next thing we know another week has passed. Don't let
how other may feel about you visiting keep you from it. Life is awfully short. Time sure speeds by once you get older. Go see Grandma. :)
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