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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Alright so my boyfriend and I have a great relationship but it feels like sometimes he lives in a double life. For instance yesterday we were hanging out and he didn’t want to come and get food w me or go to the mall “because he didn’t want to hold me back” so I went by myself and then when I got to his house which this is what happens a lot we just go downstairs in his room and lay on his bed. He either falls asleep or we watch Netflix and it was a beautiful day out and we were sitting in his basement per usual. Then he went out and didn’t text me back all night like actually all night even after multiple times I have texted him. I am getting bored of feeling alienated from his life because behind that basement door everything is good and then he opens it and he’s a different person and I just really need help because he’s out partying and stuff and then can’t wake up the next morning when we have plans to go to breakfast because he’s too tired. His double life or what seems to be like that is getting in the way of us spending time together and I’m getting bored. What do I do?

I know you've written twice this year and one about communication trouble.
Last time, you said he thought you were sneaking around behind him. Gee, now you say that he is the one urging you to go out and do your own thing???
I would have to say that either he is a very confused or troubled boy or he is two faced and agree with you that there are double standards.
Going further back, his mom was in the hospital. That makes me wonder if she has some ongoing medical troubles that have him depressed or if he got depressed over that and never recovered. Preferring to stay in his basement room and not go out sounds strange, like depression. But then, you say he does go out without you.

Hon, if a guy is really crazy about you, he's going to want to be around you all the time, not pushing you away like he does. Frankly, I believe you can do better than him and that you are settling for less by staying with him.

As the other advice giver thought, perhaps you both are having sex. I have no problem with that at your age of 17. However I agree that if sex is in the picture there are some things I need to say, just in case he and I are correct. ITs true that if a guy can get sex for free, basically without investing time in being with you, having a full relationship with you and watching Netflix together is not a full relationship, then there is no reason when you give it away that he doesn't do anything else with you. He got what he wanted from you. YOu would be just his sex partner in his mind and not a girl he loves and wants to be part of his life, well other than in bed. Also dear, if you are having sex, I am hoping the following words will be insightful, they are from a book "What Men say, What Women hear" by Dr. Linda Papadopoulos.

"Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them."

SHe said the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so that's where a female develops feelings for the guy and finds she doesnt want to leave him, no matter how badly he treats her. If you haven't had sex with him, don't start. He isn't worth it.

Everytime you allow a guy to get away with what "HE" wants, (this could be the pushing you to go out without him) without any consideration for your feelings, then you send a message that you are "Desperate" for a boyfriend and therefore will put up with any kind of nasty behavior from him. A male ends up actually trained by desperate girls throwing themselves at a guy to become more selfish and lazy and controlling etc.... If a guy doesn't have to work hard and learn how to treat a lady well to 'get the girl', then there's nothing forcing him to learn to become a better man, yes, even at 17 or so.

You can't change what stuff is going on in his head or beliefs he has that have him acting this way.
Since you are pretty much just starting the dating venue, I would like to help you with a short test of questions you can apply to any guy who dates you, him now and others in the future. Don't lose it. Copy and put it somewhere safe. I have found all the things said to be very true for men. I am not young but almost 60 and have plenty of experience through going through all of this, without anyone to give helpful advice.

The test is for finding out if a guy loves you. But dear, I can say, all the same has applied to guys who really like a girl but hadn't realized yet that they were in love. If he wants to be your boyfriend, this test applies as far as I am concerned.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

Don't get side tracked by #5 " Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship ..." Yes, he is pushing you to see friends and follow hobbies but it isn't in addition to having a good relationship together. What you both have, watching TV together is not a relationship.

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14 year old female. For as long as I can remember, my mom has always spoken over and interrupted me. If we're having anything from a heated argument to a simple conversation, she'll listen to like half my sentence then start talking. Once, we were arguing and I was going to say something when she interrupted by screaming at me. When I claimed she interrupted, she replied that she "knew what I was going to say" but she had the completely wrong idea.

Worse than that, if someone asks me a question she'll answer for me whether it's 'what are you doing in school?' Or 'how are you?' Even my dad has pointed this out, and she does this to my two siblings as well. From the moment I was born, she has forced me to do things I don't want to do and decided I would be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer, I want a creative carreer, and it pisses me off that she constantly tries to push back on my hobbies just because it doesn't fit what she wanted to be but failed at. I've tried telling her this several times and she claims that since she's my mother she can do this.

In addition, she's annoying in other ways. First of all, I remember I used to be suicidal (not anymore, have gotten phsyciatric help). I tried telling her I was depressed, and she told me to get over it and how she's had it worse-in fact, she yelled at me to get the FUCK over it. Then later on she invades my privacy by reading my journal and goes all 'why didn't you tell me you were suicidal?????' And guilt trips me through the whole healing process with 'you do NOT get to put me through hell and back and then...' everytime I do something she doesn't like.

Once she caught me with a girlfriend and figured out I like girls. I specifically told her I want to come out to the family on my time, on my own terms, especially since I was 13 and wasn't sure if I was gay or bi yet (or if liking girls was just a phase, for that matter) but she takes it upon herself to out me as gay to everyone she knows.

She complains I don't have a relationship with her. But she expects me to jump whenever she wants to do something while never doing anything I want to do. I'll give an example: I rented the 2012 Les Mis movie and invited her to watch it with me since Les Mis is my favorite musical. She decides to be on her phone the whole time. I try to talk about anything I like and she nods me off.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of being spoken over and guilt tripped over everything. She keeps claiming she wants to improve our relationship, but doesn't wanna do anything other than be all "I'm the mother so shut up" how do I deal with this?

I read your whole story and then advicemans answer and must say that I agree with what he said, so you have another vote for that.

If you are not in sessions anymore, and getting a chance to call and talk to the therapist doesn't work, tell your Dad what you are thinking of doing, asking for both of them to attend meetings with you.
You are not the one with a problem but your Mom. If she treats bosses and coworkers that way, I bet there are plenty of people who don't like her and steer clear of her. unfortunately, until 18, you are still a minor and must be with her and can't steer clear of her. She really needs help in how to communicate and on how to allow you enough leeway to begin to make some decisions for yourself, so you can slowly get used to doing what adults need to do, make decisions and take control of your life. If for some reason, your Dad refuses to help get this set up or the parents both refuse to go to meetings with a therapist with you, you can always talk to the school counselor. Don't hold anything back and tell everything you told us including that you wrote in for help.

By the way, when you turn 18, you don't have to do what she wants anymore and if counseling doesn't happen for her or counseling doesn't work, you will need to fight for your independance. Please do that as you dont want to end up like some of the people who write in whose parents or MOm are still controlling their life with curfews and more at 25 or 29. It will go on for as long as you allow it. Unfortunately right now, as she is your mom, you are still under her and dads care. So your choices are limited but as I said, I also vote for professional help in the form of family counseling.
Don't worry about your previous depression. A smart counselor will begin to realize as they speak with your Mom that she is a great part of why you have been depressed. She is the one who really needs help and as her child you can't tell her. She'd never listen. But she would have to listen to other adults and thats why talking to your counselor is very important. Please take that step!!! I'd also like to hear in the future how its going dear. I really do care.

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I am a 29 year old female and I have a date with a guy that i knew in high school that I have not seen in 10 years. We are going bowling and out to eat . I have no idea what to wear. I am so nervous. I still leave at home with my mom and my mom wants to meet him plus she wants me back home by midnight. How do i tell this guy that i have not seen in 10 years that i have a curfew?

What advice said, I couldn't have said better. Even if you see this too late for this date, there may be another chance or another guy. You are an adult. But the reason you do not go against Mom is that you are afraid of repercussions. Most reasons are that Mom has a way with words of making you feel guilty for not doing as she asks. Or she may threaten to kick you out of the house or stop talking to you. There are people your age, not even living at home any more whose parents still try to meddle in their lives, calling them all the time to check up on them and demand to meet their dates, tell them where to apply for work and say if you don't, I'll never speak to you again for the rest of your life.

If you choose to not stand up to her, thats your choice, but with it, you must understand that there is no late set 'off' switch for her controlling behavior. She will do this til the day SHE dies. How long do you think she can live? She's at least 20 years or so older or more. So a 49 yr old may live another 40 years. Or if theres health problems maybe only 25 or 30 years. This would mean your never dating, never marrying and having kids and living with your mom for the next 25 to 30 years or more doing her bidding. I am not exaggerating. I met a woman at McDonalds who stopped by my table to comment how cute a couple my husband and I were and we are in late 50s. She proceeded to tell a bit about herself and mentioned a grown son in his early fifties still living at home. Some kids never do break away from the parents and live their own life.

I am a parent. My kids are all adults since they are all over 18 and at 26, 29 and 32, they are adults. I do not like every decision they make or their way of doing things, but my role as a parent stopped at 18 and changed to being only a support role, a sounding board. That doesnt not mean I have free right to give them my opinions when they haven't asked for them. I can say "Would you like to hear my take on that or my opinion " and if they say NO, which is more often the answer, I must clamp my mouth shut and make the choice to not meddle and just support what ever they choose to do. Your mom has not learned how to make that transition. DOing her bidding and following her curfew only sends the message to her that it is okay with you. Having put up with this stuff for 11 years more than you should have has given away the control of your life. Maybe you want that, someone else to be the decision maker of your life and you just following it. But don't expect any 2nd dates from a guy you tell that you have a curfew. They will see this as something being very wrong with you and your Mom. No guy is going to want to marry you but he would essentially have to be willing to marry your MOm because she would start to fight to run his life as well and if he didn't allow her to, she would do whatever she could to break you two up so that she could once again have just you to control. This is so very wrong hon. I have gone way beyond what adviceman said and given you some very real scenerio's to think about. At 29, if you want to date or have a sex life, you are entitled to it. Mom can't tell you what to do. I would not take anyone home to meet Mom until I have first drawn the line and said I will not do your bidding any more. However, realize that she holds the trump card, because its her house. She can tell you, do as I say or I will kick you out. Sometimes its an empty threat but I've heard of young people who actually did get kicked out because they were battling with parents to gain control of their own life. So you may want to do anything you can to become independant of her, having your own place, her not paying any of your bills. If you need suggestions on how to handle getting out on your own, there are plenty of options, roommates, or by yourself that can be more affordable. Just write in again and ask us all about that specifically. Right now, until you do that and get that living situation under control, you are going to be stuck because of the possibility of what Mom could do. She is an adult and might be helped with counseling to understand what she is doing is wrong but that is even a bigger problem, a child mentioning it to a parent can start a massive fight and adults cant be forced to go see a Dr. And by now, most adults are so set in their ways, they don't think they are in the wrong in the first place and there will be no convincing them. So as I see it, you have to be brave and set your foot down but it would be best to do so, once you are out of her house so she hold no consequences over you for going against her wishes.

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I live in a house with 3 other housemates. In total, there are 3 women and 1 guy. We have lived together 2 years.

Two of us (female) are in our early twenties and the other girl and guy are in their early thirties. We have had a great dynamic. We are all really great friends and supportive of each other. We all hang out occasionally.

Everything just went south yesterday when my guy housemate (let's call him Jake) told both me and my other younger roommate separately (she's my very dear friend- let's call her Lisa) that he has developed romantic feelings for both of us.

Lisa responded by immediately going on a date with another guy today. As for me, I am extremely confused. I have been friends with Jake for 5 years and we have a great, playful dynamic that other people have mistaken for a romantic couple. He is very attractive. But I thought we were like siblings and always envisioned him being with someone else.

And now Lisa is mad at me, because she wanted to talk to me about how her date went when she got home yesterday. But I was talking to Jake so I didn't end up talking to her, and now she is avoiding talking to me.

Jake and I would be a great match except that Jake isn't as religious as I am, which is my number one deal breaker. He said yesterday he is invested in exploring his faith more, especially because his parents have always wanted that, but he hasn't yet.

And I don't understand why he has feelings for two people simultaneously- that seems like cheating, even though none of us are in relationships, which is weird.

I am very confused. This feels like a strange, really badly written sitcom. I'd appreciate any advice on what to do next. Thanks

It is good to hear you use the term 'deal breaker' as it seems most people never apply that to people and relationships.

Sorry but I laughed at Lisa's response of quickly going on a date with a guy because of male roommates confession. I could just picture it.

When living together, thats a time when we get to know people far better than just going on dates. So Jake has had a chance to observe the two of you and see things that often others would never see and it has helped him see qualities that he likes in both of you. I am usually telling females that just because they see a quality they like in a guy, that doesn't mean he should be her BF, lover or husband. The time before you finally find and choose a long term partner is a time to take notice of all the qualities you like in the opposite sex. Put these on a list of what you are looking for. A list of needs are things you can not do without. If not present in the guy, then its a deal breaker. No one can tell you what a deal breaker should be. Another gal may not care if a guy is a different faith. It was one of mine too, having a guy who was of same belief as I after a divorce. Funny thing is, after the divorce, I was aimless, with no idea what to do, but used dating sites and found it overwhelming how many jerks wrote to me cus they liked my conservative photo. God talked to me several times asking me to make up a list of the criteria I needed for a husband and He would prove He was able to give me exactly what I wanted. I know you don't need this, but if curious, I can send it to you if you write me from my column. What I think is that Jake is seeing qualities he likes but doesn't have a list. He doesn't realize that the feelings are not a deep love, the kind of being in love with that other soul and the package it comes in. His feelings are more of genuine interest in certain attributes of each of you.
This is what I am very sure of. It might possibly be another story if he said he had romantic feelings for just one of you. B

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I am a Chinese American 23 year old female and was just asked out by a 29 year old Indian American guy friend. I like him a lot but I know my family will disown me if I date/ marry a non-Chinese guy.

Do you know any Chinese Indian couples? Any advice on dealing with interracial relationships?

I am giving you what I sense just by the words you wrote. I understand that family plays a big role in whether a certain guy is seen as acceptable to marry or not. However that should be on his characteristics, his personality and how he treats you, not based on what race he is.

I also know that in some cultures, it is more important and stressed that you marry in your race. This means they believe tradition very strongly. This may not neccessarily mean that they are racist according to me, its just that they are so strongly tied to their traditions that they haven't even stopped to think about what they are really doing.

I have seen that in many other situation. As a teen first going to church, there were traditions and beliefs that were blindly followed. And when I asked why they do that, or what they believe that, even pastors could not explain and thats because they were following whats always been done before.

I call this : living and thinking inside the box. So anything other than what is approved by tradition is off limts, not allowed, and in church considered heresy and being back slidden in faith simply because one dares to ask and think and make decisions for themselves without blindling following and not questioning a need for change.

The thought of a family disowning you is strong enough to cave in to what they expect of you. However the one and only thing I can think of that might help you is to look at it as their life to live versus your life to live. Perhaps their life was meant to learn from tradition. A parents life lessons to learn are not going to be the exact same ones their children are supposed to learn. I've seen that in my family as the years went on. Some times it seems like no rhyme or reason for what we have to go through.

So if you look at this as you being a young adult with parents trying to control your life, I tell those people that the parents role of parenting ended when you became 18. As an adult you are responsible now for making your own decisions on everything, including who you choose to date and marry. Some kids are told they can't learn to drive, must go to a nearby community college and Mom dictates when you must be home and mostly you aren't allowed to leave home. At least it isn't that full a control. But your family is attempting to control you in a way by using traditions...we only marry in our race.
I don't particularly know of any couple of asian-indian mix but I do know of many that are bi racial.
IT takes a lot of self strength and back bone to know you will have maybe a harder time dating or being married to someone not of your race. Even if the family was okay with it, strangers will give you trouble and say hateful things. SO this is more about how strong you are. If you don't think I know what I am talking about, my sister who is white is married to a man who is black. Pardon me if I don't use African American because we don't say the same for all the other races except Native American. I am not called a German American, my son in law is not called a Welsh, Romany, German American. I am not white like snow either. But I use the designations of white and black because I don't get to designate the countries of my heritage, my only choice on papers is white or I could check off other. See how silly this sound. I have my own opinions and not everyone will agree but I allow them to use whatever description they can connect with best and I will use mine.

Dating him doesn't mean you will both decide to marry one day. However if it is frowned upon and you are told they will disown you if you even date him, then you need to be self reliant, not living at home with the parents for one thing and be willing to not see or hear from them for a long time if ever. Some of the people we find to be the closest people to us that my husband and I call family have no blood or marriage relation to us. Sometimes the family you are given are not perfect but they are family. This is actually a type of black mail, saying if you go ahead and do this, then we will retaliate by doing this. Only you can know if you are strong enough to stand up to and possibly lose them. YOu'd have his family, whoever your husband ends up being and any people who become like family to you. My middle daughter has two other women she has met as an adult who are very special to her and she calls them Mom too. ONes a neighbor, one she works with and goes to church with. I have met both and feel no issue with the fact that someone else is treating her as lovingly as I would.
There is always a possibility that sometime after you've made your decision that family might change their minds.

I was with my sister at her church and her pastor liked to talk to her as she seemed good at problem solving. I was there and heard him say that his daughter is now dating a man who is not a Christian, he was from some middle eastern country. He said he told her not to get serious with this man and stop seeing him as the man was not of the same faith.
I was surprised to hear my sister bring up something I didn't know about. She asked the pastor how the previous boyfriend treated her 'Badly, and thats why they are not together any longer." And how does this non Christian treat her? "She says he treats her so well, she feels like he's the best guy on the planet." And the last guy was white and supposedly a Christian but he didn't treat her well. So what is it you really want for your daughter? The pastor said, "I only want her to be happy and treated right by the man she is with." And you said this middle eastern man who isn't Christian is treating her right. If that all you wanted and she's happy as she said with him, then whats the problem? When posed with that question, from that perspective, I watched his face transform and realization dawned. "Oh, I guess the difference is faith is not the biggest issue. Whats more important is how he treats her and I have witnessed that he does indeed treat her well. Okay, I can live with that. he said.

I come from Christian faith and I know how adamant all christians are about you marrying within your faith so even dating out of your faith is useless when the end result is a big no. This girls dad ran a church, he was adamant at first until he saw it from a different perspective. ITs always possible. Its up to you to choose to life your life the way you believe will make you happiest, whether your family comes around like this pastor or not.



s

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Hello,
In our 30’s

He’s an ex boyfriend of few months. He broke up with me because he wanted to be with his kids and gf. Still says he loves me when we see each other. Still the same polite, loving and caring boy. Even though we broke up we still see each other and keep making love whenever he’s at mine (I feel awful) but I still love him, love him deeply and he’s aware of that. He says he can’t be with me but says he enjoys my company and making love when we see each other. We broke up months ago. We had an argue over he can’t be with me and I told him fine, whatever, few days ago but today he asked me if I had bought a condom as I forgot the other day. So I don’t understand, we broke up, he says he can’t be with me and still he wants to visit like before and make love to me? He also said he loves making love to me and and enjoys my company. What’s this guys? Are we both a worse people in the world? He wants to keep in seeing me well we both want to? Is he not over me entirely? WHY WOULD HE STILL WANTS TO KEEP ON MAKING LOVE with me? I mean, when I asked him if he has made love to her but he said NO only YOU. So what’s this? He loves me more than her but he has to be with her because of their kids? Please don’t judge me. I’M SORRY!

Men are different from women in many ways but also the same in other ways. Where they differ mostly is in how they percieve and think things through. They aren't pulled about by their emotions as females are. They see any issue through a more logical light, heres the problem, theres the solution.

When it comes to sex, males are motivated by lust, not love when they want to have sex. Women find instant love through connecting with a man this way. However for men, it can take a much longer time to fall in love even though he is having sex and wanting it with her because lust is carrying him through.

I know you've written before and I can't think of much else to say. I do feel he is abusing this one thing of women developing love feelings simply through the act of sex or love making. He must feel you would never turn him away so he is taking advantage of it. As I said before two parts are important to relationships and most have just one.
One is great sexual connection and the other is being each others best friend. As I said last time, something doesn't add up or sounds fishy.

If he is truthful and doesnt touch her sexually, then why is he with her? A man will not stay in a relationship, especially when its not a marriage, just dating and so easy to leave if there is no sex or the sex isn't good enough for him. If the man has a very low libido and doesnt require much sex and not often and quality doesn't matter, then maybe he will stay with a woman who feels equally the same. A man like that, with low libido, would not come back to you just for love making. So apparently he wants it a lot, maybe more than his girlfriend is okay with. Maybe if she's happy with twice a week and he wants it daily, then when she says no , he comes to you because you are giving it to him freely. He's happier than a cat who caught the canary. He doesn't miss you or have any reason to really think through his life and check his decisions he's made to see if maybe he made the wrong ones and needs to change things. As long as you free give and are available to him, he is not going to even think about it.

Two things can happen if you quit agreeing to see him. The thing you want, where he realizes after some time of not seeing you that he misses you more and cares about you more than this other girl, and he leaves her and then begs you to take him back and promises that you are the only one for him. At your ages, you are no young inexperienced people. He knows what he is doing.
Its like having two rowboats side by side. He is not fully in one, nor the other but has one foot planted in each. What do you think will happen? If he waits too long to decide which one to stick with and keep his whole body in, then eventually, the two boats drift apart and he falls in the water.

That analogy means he spoils it for himself and eventually could end up with neither of you ladys because he has ruined it for both of you but not committing to only one.
No, you aren't the worst person in the world, just a bit too naive yet for your age or maybe just a glutton for punishment. Sorry, but thats truly what this is beginning to sound like. It's all up to you to change how this goes. He may decide when you make yourself scare that he can indeed live without you. And don't you want to know that so you can feel loose ends have been tied and you are truly free to move on and find Mr. Right for you?

Perhaps you would rather prefer things stay as they are, you being only his lover, and him committing to nothing more than being your lover and skipping the best friend part. A person who is a best friend does not take advantage of and treat their best friend as he is treating you. That I know. However people young than me at almost 60, seem to not have a good idea of what is the behavior of a true friend and what it not. I've heard, "MY friend calls me a jerk or a slut or a ho all the time. Heck who needs enemies if your friends treat you like crap, like an enemy would. So maybe that is your issue, and you have no idea that his behavior is not the behavior of a friend. He is not being on the level with you. He is not a man capable of making the hard adult decision an adult must make. He is a confused male in his thirties will no real goals in his life as far as relationships, maybe scared to commit or commit again after the first marriage. The woman of his past and current girlfriend seem to not be wise enough to get on birth control as you cant trust condoms to not fail. And perhaps at times, he is more the young teen boy overcome at the moment and there is no wise adult in his body to tell him to just stop, get condoms or insist on the gal getting on the pill, IUD or some other much better, safer birth control if he didn't want to bring kids into the world.

if you want permission from me to continue with life as it is, being only his sex partner while he has a girlfriend and child and an ex and another child, you don't need my approval. As souls, we are all on this planet to learn something specifically for us. I can't say what it is for you but since you've written about this several times now, I can tell you are not at peace or happy about the way it is right now. Only you have the power to make some hard decisions to have possibilities in the future where you do get what you really want. Right now, I don't believe you are ready. So unless you write me and tell me that you have told him you will no longer see him. That he needs to commit to one woman and you are not going to be the other woman. You may not have another guy yet but will actively go looking for him. If you can tell me that, and you truly mean it, then then next time I write back, it will not be regarding this childish man who can't grow up and decide to commit to only one. I will only share with you when you are r eady to move on, How to find the right man for you. Yes, indeed there is a way. I used it and it worked. It isn't in a relationship book, but Something God told me. If you write wondering if youre a bad person and going over this all a 3rd or forth time, you will not hear from me. I am here to give advice that is helpful and point out options.
You have the option to stop complaining and enjoy only being a sex partner or chance losing him forever or winning him back by stopping meeting with him. Personally, I wouldn't want a man like that back. I wouldn't be able to trust him that he will find two three other females to play with after he says he's only with me. He's lying to current girlfriend. Whats so special about you that he'd only tell you the truth. The morals of a persons being are deep at core, a part of them that guides them in consisting make the good choices every time. I also know from experience that the first time you witness a flaw in a person, that there is more of the same hidden deep inside, just waiting to sneak out and treat others in a manner that is not right or good. But some have to learn by the school of hard knocks and go through all the unhappiness themselves rather than hear from someone else and then just make a decision and decide what they want to do once they have more info. You have the 'more into' part but are too afraid to make a decision I'll bet.
I am sounding heartless here but I do understand that for some people their reality is something they are not ready to leave. Its like being in 5th grade but not truly ready for the 6th grade. And what do schools do when you aren't ready to move on, well, they used to hold you back a grade and private schools still do, even if public ones don't. Theres nothing wrong with being held back. It means you need more time to learn what it is you need to learn to move up a level, to another grade, and to another choice in life direction. Right now you are stuck. Either you are ready to make a decision and move one or you aren't. If you aren't, you don't have to say a thing to any of us here at advicenators. You don't have to tell me anything until you are ready to make changes dear.

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He told me he and his girlfriend are going to end up together in the future with so sure. They already have a small kid and they live together. I told him you two are going to split up one day and it’s just a matter of time but you’ll see and that time you’ll think of me and he replied I’ll always think of you. We’re two exes. He just is very assured that they’ll never split up ever ever and when I told him you’ll split up, he didn’t seem to like it so what is it? Are men normally this sure or is he trying to tell me he’s over me or telling me to go start dating? He does know I still love him and not quite over him. We’re both Scorpios. Life and relationships are not easy. Does he wants to stay with her forever? What does he mean?

I can't get inside his head to tell you for sure what he means. All I can do is share things I know from experience.
Can a person know for sure that they will stay together forever when they first meet? Yes its possible but so many people don't really know this lacking some critical information about relattionship and compatibility in the first place. So most people are just using positive word energy to make it happen as they hope. Unfortunately, all the positive thinking and statements in the world will not make you able to mix a glass on water and oil to stay that way (mixed together forever). Eventually the two ingrediants will separate.

I don't know what you see, or think you see in the relationship to know as surely as he, a totally different scenerio and ending to the relationship.
YOu state you are an ex. Humans again all act a certain way when it comes to exes. If both are very mature souls and both have come to realize that they have both changed over the years and now no longer follow the same goals and paths and now have very little in common, these people split up but on friendly terms and wish the best for their exes as they find new partners to continue the journey of life with.
If it was a toxic relationship, and you do not see the kind of change needed in him to avoid experiencing the same with his current lady due to relationship destroying practices of his own, then you may know for pretty certain that the end result will be the same, another breakup. But saying that to someone who isn't willing to accept they may be part of the trouble is just a waste of breath and accomplishes nothing. My ex was verbally abusive to me. The children now adults have seem him get into one relationship after another and tell me they hate to see another woman getting hurt by him. The woman are all nice people and I have met them all. However, my kids agree they see no improvement to Dads character so he keeps repeating his mistakes. The woman he gets with are where I used to be. However I woke up and saw the truth and realized it was time for me to leave. These women do not see the truth yet. I can't make them see it but telling them and warning them. IT is by going through the experiences or another way its called, The school of hard knocks, that we learn. Hard knocks is exactly what you may think it is, hardships, not treated fair, dumped on, abused, treated like a door mat, etc..... By the way, I am a Scorpio and can tell you that what I had to learn had nothing to do with my Sun sign. I had to get to a point of loving myself enough to no longer be willing to allow anyone to treat me like that again. He wasn't changing after 3 decades together so the solution was for me to leave the bad situation.
I felt badly for him and told him we'd got to a point where the remainder of what we as individual souls needed to learn in this lifetime could not happen if we remained together. I wished him the best and I left him. I had no hard feelings and had forgiven him for whatever he'd done to me over and over. I feel no hatred for him or wanting to doom him to having a string of bad relationships after me. I would rather that he also as a soul learned and improved himself in some way, however small it may be but to date, that has not
happened.
It sounds like maybe you are not over him and feeling resentment simply by your choice of words like " I told him you two are going to split up one day and it’s just a matter of time but you’ll see and that time you’ll think of me"

Having a person of a past relationship enter ones thoughts from time to time is a logical response, so its no surprise that men tending to be more logical than women in thinking replied with 'I'll always think of you. I believe he is not attaching any negative emotions to those thoughts, however I am wondering exactly what you are expecting him to think....like sadness, regret that he left you? You may not have looked deep enough inside yourself to realize exactly what was fueling the things you said. It may feel too hurtful to truly take the chance to look deeper and discover whats really eating you. Being a Scorpio myself, I know that one of our traits is being a jealous type. I decided long ago to not let any of the negative traits hold me down and to just give up and accept those traits and go with the flow and be jealous and vindictive all the time. Do I never feel jealous or wanting to sting someone with my words? Sure, it happens all the time. However I always choose to take the higher path, something I challenge you to do. I know Scorpios tend to be very sexual creatures too. We need an outlet for that energy which you now lack with him in a new relationship which I am going to guess he broke up with you and went to her.

Relationships being on again and off again are not the way its supposed to go. Its nothing like deciding in the morning what outfit to wear today and what colored socks and changing it the next day. Yes, it still a choice but a relationship isn't something that can go from on to off to on again, just because we wish it so.

Happily ever after only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so. ANd thats based on two who actually have enough in common to begin with. A relationship is work, not all fun and games and easy. Its easier if you have the right person. Not knowing what the reasons for your breakup, I can't address that dear.

But I am pretty sure he only sees you as a friend or maybe an acquaintance, not that we wants to get together with you.
When you psychically predicted his relationship was going to end for sure, were you hoping he would say, "Oh, really? We're going to break up? Well in that case, if that's going to be the end result, I may as well make it happen sooner and go back to you."

If anything sounds like a fairy tale, that logic does. Life isn't fair hon, and it rarely turns out as wonderful and works as easily as you see on TV or read in romance novels. Those are so rare indeed that it's more like one in thousands if even that. I understand you are dealing with feelings of love still but do not let those feelings of love cloud your judgement. Thats all I'm really asking here. I am not against you or trying to make you angry or feel bad about yourself. I have enough experience personally in relationships and am nearly 60, so I truly do know what it is like having experienced a great lot of most possibilities in relationships myself. My only strike against me was making decisions to enter relationships that were not good, or wanting them back when I still lacked life experience to know any better. You did write in so I am assuming you want to get some perspective through the life experiences of someone older than you.

I also know what it feels like to still feel love for a guy who left me for another woman. I no longer feel the sadness and loss. But I did for months where it seemed my heart rate was up from the moment I woke til when I went to sleep, the loss making it feel like adrenalin was constantly pumping. He was like the ultimate man for me, everything wonderful and nice and he treated me good. SO yeah, it hit me hard. However we have no control over what choices others make that affect us. All we can do is exercise what control we do have to make personal changes and I decided I hated the way I felt, it wasn't healthy either cus I had trouble sleeping as well and so I decided I would cherish the memories of when we were together but learn to get over him and trust God to send along the right man for me.
I am so glad I didn't spend a good chunk of time pining for him. I was using everything I knew about the do's and don'ts of relationships to keep my eyes pealed for the right guy.
I did not want my guy back even if I still felt love after he left. I might be happy if he returned but because he did leave me once, whats to say he wouldn't do it again. Living my life always worried and second guessing his moves or motives all the time was also not health and I wasn't going to put myself in that situation. If he wanted to come back, my heart might have jumped for joy but my rational logical mind would have said no for the reason I just mentioned.

So I am saying a person can't make a mistake and then undo it? They can try but nothing will ever be exactly like it was before. In the memory of the partner is the way they were treated. Trust takes longer to re-establish after once broken. So trust may have been a great challenge to find again after that.
Now I am glad I didn't try using guilt trips or any of the tactics Scorpios are so good at to get their way. I didn't want to force the issue, I wanted a man who wanted me as much as I wanted him if not more than I did. I am glad I made that choice because a year and 10 months later, I met the man I would marry. If I compare the two, I now know I would have been settling for less if I fought for keeping or getting back the other guy. My husband is way better than anything else I could ever have imagined. We had financial struggles and medical things come up. Life isn't without hardships, but we at least have each other and what we have is something money can't buy and what all people truly seek, a person who loves them not only when they are at their best but their worst, and by that I don't mean fighting but when you're sick or upset and crying, etc, and he still find you're the most beautiful woman in the world to him (and I am no model type) and he is quick to change anything in his behavior if something even minor makes me upset or cry. He feels so badly thinking he may have caused me to cry and there are two instances when it happened and he changed immediately to never repeat it ever, never. Now that is true love. NOt trying to brag dear, I am just saying that right now, you may not know that there is someone for you that you just can't imagine being even a better match than the guy you lost. Neither did I. I just hope you can lay your hopes for getting back together to rest where they should be and actively seek a man who is perfect for you. If at all curious, I will send you a document on how to find Mr. Right, if you write me and ask for it but you must write to me from my column not the spot for putting comments on my response. I really do wish to help you more but that would be the next step. It is something God spoke to me, telling me to do but I ignored it, thinking it wasn't that important. Finally after being reminded over and over, I used it and thats what helped me find my husband, even though I used internet dating sites to find him. I know I would not have met him otherwise. There are wise ways to go about it if you choose to do so also. I can give pointers there along the way including give my impression of a guy from what he writes to you online. I wish you the best dear.


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Long story short, just to avoid length, I like him, he doesnt know. He explicitly stated that he'll never like me back. We're both 19, we're bestfriends. I'm hoping I'd just let this feeling fade to preserve our friendship. But everyday, it just seems like a reminder that he'll never like me back. If I become honest, he said he'll drop the friendship.

I am sensing this is more about the questions you did not ask like:

1. How can he know that he will never desire me as more than a friend.

2. Can he be wrong if I have these feelings and maybe he's just not in touch with his feelings

and lastly

3. If I am in love and I am resigned to the fact he isn't, then how do I get rid of these feelings of love?

So I will attempt to explain and tell you which question it applies to.
All of what I say applies the same whether the two in question are same sex or opposite sex as feelings and emotions will run the same no matter.

I'll start with addressing that this has nothing to do with you also being male because he has shown he's willing to be friends and is not homophobic. He simply does not have the romantic desire for you.
And thats where I will start.
For any relationship to be successful and rewarding for both, it needs a solid foundation just like a house or building. In a relationship, that foundation is made up of two things, being each others best friend or one of close friends and the other being each others sexual/romantic equal.

I will explain what i mean by describing each part more. The friend part requires trust built over time by consistant behaviour and actions on the partners part. Really caring about the others feelings and treating them really good so that means if mature enough, there is no fighting, name calling, giving the cold shoulder and all the other things people do to show how upset or mad they are. There is understanding of where the other is coming from, a want to never make the other upset enough to cry and so on.

Being a romantic/sexual equal, well its more than seeing the other and experiencing romantic or sexual desires for them. The one thing people are not thinking of or taught enough is about pheromones. I have seen in looking it up that in scientific communities, the beliefs are all over the place which I don't understand. Its pretty cut and dried. We are mammals and if you look at the animal kingdom, you will see that when an animal is ready to attract a mate, they will find each other. Sometimes like for a bird, it is initially hearing their call and going to investigate, but once an animal finds another of its kind, the male can not convince the female to mate if she isn't attracted to him. ITs all about the pheromones, an invisible substance each animal and human emits. It can't be detected as an odor but there are glands in us that will detect it and we respond by feeling desire for one and not the other. It has nothing to do with looks. Before meeting my 2nd husband, I dated alot. I met one guy who looked like a male model right off the pages of a magazine. I was so flattered he wanted to meet. We met twice. There was some draw to each other but not strong enough. I could tell already just by being in their presence, whether we both had similar pheremones or not. Those glands in our noses are picking up on the pheromones of the other and sending info to our brain. We either feel giddy and excited and very interested in getting romantically close with the person or not I've met plenty I'd love being friends with but there was no pheremone connection. Without knowingk the existence of pheremones, people can actually realize with going any further than friendship that they are not attracted that way. Trust me. Although, in some cases, where I didn't quite feel anything but the guy seemed real interested, I'd part at end of meeting with a kiss. Some kisses were hot like from a lover but others were like being kissed romantically by your brother or father and that would mean, no pheremone connection. I am pretty open mind dear and can share a few further examples of when there is/isn't a connection or a strong enough one. I went with my ex to swing clubs. So I had an occasion of two where I agreed to go with a guy to a dark corner to have sex and when he got undressed and I got near enough, the scent of his musk was making me gag, like smelling rotting garbage and it had nothing to do with him not being clean. Any release of body fluids, the saliva and sweat can tell you also if you have a close enough connection or not.

Have you walked past someone and smelled their sweat and it registered that they were sweaty and the scent was a turn off. Then you see someone with wet armpits on their shirt and yet you don't pick up an offensive odor, but can tell it is still a sweat scent, just a pleasant one. Yes, sweat can smell pleasant to the right person. For example, I'd describe my husbands sweat as being as close to the scent of lemon pepper as possible, I actually love the scent of it. Okay, you can call me strange now. LOL

The most alarming thing is that many marriages are based only on one or the other of the important foundation to the relationship, not both. Those who are best friends will find that after the excitement of the newness of the relationship passes, the elevated exciting feelings of love and romance fade away because there are no pheromones to sustain them into the future. And lacking the sexuall side of things, one or both may decide to secretly have affairs, not because they hate their partner, they actually love them as a friend but the lover aspect is missing.
On the flip side is a couple who are the best match as lovers and the only time they get along is when they are having sex because it is so good. However that is just one slice of a persons life and the majority of the time, they fight and argue and treat each other like crap because the friendship part is missing. So both relationship types are unfulfilling or in danger of breaking up. I had that problem with first husband. I learned though so when I sought to remarry, I made sure to find someone with whom I had that pheromone connection and other things in common.

Just as your height and hair and eye color are determined by genetics, so is the particular pheremones you have, and like the things I mentioned, they can't be changed to match the person you want to match with. You can dye hair, wear colored contacts or high heels or thick soles to change height a bit but those only change how one looks but doesn't actually change those things on you so you can experience life as a brunette lets say without hair dye if you're a blond.

So I hope what I've shared shows how he can sense that you do not bring up a physical response of romance and desire for you. As to whether he could be wrong, what I have shared has told you that no, he cant be wrong about not feeling that connection with you, even if he doesnt' know what it is scientifically called.

On the other hand, can a person be wrong about falling in love, feeling a connection on their end? My opinion is yes. I will explain. First think back to childhood of a toy you really wanted for CHristmas and you salivated over the TV ads for it, begging the parents for it and went to look at it in the toy aisle of a store. Every kid has experienced this at least once or twice. The excitement when you actually got what you wanted was so strong. Surely this toy would keep you happy forever and be your favorite for years. But the excitement and the newness of the toy wore off as the days and weeks went by and finally you no longer touched it or played with it and you no longer had those feelings of excitement for it. Sometimes you get the right toy but there has to be at least one you got that this happened. It can happen in relationships too. I have found it refered to as NRE, New Relationship Exciting, same as new toy excitement. If you needed a more hands on toy or one that required you using your imagination or artistic skills as was the case for me, then any toy that did not qualify, would only hold my attention for a short time. Whereas paint by number kits or the Spirograph set would entertain year round, year after year and never grow boring or non challenging to me.
It's pretty much the same in a relationship. If for some reason the relationship is not the perfect match, a person can start off with NRE and the more time is spent with the friend allowing for the person to involve more of their thoughts on the person, imagining most of the relationship they really want with that person, then your emotions can give you the wrong signal. Your emotions could actually lead you to feel you are in love when thought it is emotion based, it feels like love, may be love but not mutual love and not love based in a true reality. I also know that from experience. I had more feelings and deep love for a guy who thought he loved me but in the end, he left me because the love he had for me wasn't the kind of reciprocal love needed for a relationship to be a reality and to blossom.

So it is possible for you to feel love but it is not based in reality. Heres a good analogy to explain. Have you ever watch a movie that was sad, scary, and though it was only actors and a script, your emotions got involved to the point you got mad at a person who was injust or mean in the movie or you cried tears? I know plenty males who don't cry easily, but its a point I am trying to make, how you felt. Your eyes take in the movie, your mind is captivated for the endurance of the movie and your emotions react to the movie. Everyone will have done this at some point in life if not often. In your mind, or even in reading a book, you are no longer an outside observer but feel like you are one of the characters or at least right there beside them watching the scene unfold in that reality. The emotion of anger feels real, your heart rate may go up, you may tense up, etc. all the changes anger brings but it is not based on someone treating you like that, you identify with the character. This is the best way I can explain how one feels love when the other doesn't.

So if its understood that this guy will never return your affection in the way you wish, it will feel awkward to keep squashing down those feelings. Even if you say or do nothing to bring it up, it will be evident in your eyes and your body language if he's sharp enough to be looking for it.

So it may be best to distance yourself. The more time you spend with him and focusing all your thoughts on him, you make it impossible to get over the love for him. Can you one day love him only as a friend? Yes. But its much easier and faster if you find the love of your life in another person, one who returns the same feelings and most likely has a closer or same pheromone connection. Once you have a partner with whom you experience a mutual love and that person is better than any one else you've ever been with or imagined or hoped for, then you will slowly heal and find you have a deep love with your partner and for your friend, that the feelings of romance and desire just aren't as strong as they slowly disappear.

I married at age 20 to a guy who was wrong for me in sooo many ways. Had 3 kids with him. After decades, the love I originally felt for him had disapated since it wasn't nurtured or returned and I did not have either of the two things needed for a solid relationship foundation. I vowed to not settle for less and now am married to a person who I have both parts of the foundation with and I know my relationship is way better than any family member has, sisters, brothers, grown married children, etc. I know whats wrong in those other relationships but they are making it work or some or simply miserable and angry but stay together for financial reasons. I am blessed because I learned these crucial things pertaining to relationships and now am happier than I;ve ever been my whole life. All I can do is share this all with you and hope it helps you.

So what you might actually do is spend less time in person, but keep up more in phone calls and tests but not overly so. NOt daily, not weekly really either but maybe more like a call every two weeks to catch up on whats new with him, and plan to meet for something once or twice a month. But be focusing more of your energy on looking for your true mate. ANd for now, every time a thought of him as something more than a friend comes to mind, talk to your subconscious as this is where the thought comes from. You can speak verbally if alone or inside your own mind but it is crucial to retrain your subconscious mind but telling it, "Sorry, you can not be thinking of him as a lover because he doesn't feel that way in return. He's only a friend. YOu can think of him only as that and help me find the one who is right for me, who returns my love.
If you say something like this in your own words, it will help. But beware that the untrained mind will wander back several times to the subject you are saying is off limits. In the beginning it can happen several times an hour, then several times a day, then several days a week and less and less but its a pain in the butt to be consistant at first. You will think its not helping but humor me and go through with it. Eventually youll see a change. I had to do this one myself when the guy I mentioned I loved, left me. So I know it works in the end. I wish you the best. If you have anything else that ever comes up about relationships that you want advise on, just write to me. Blessings to you.

s

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someone had a pet in the mall food court...health hazard ??? should it be reported....dogs shake dander etc....so it shouldn't be in the food court where people eat right? its not a service dog.....your take??

I can't say whether it is a health hazard but I have noticed more and more businesses not saying anything to pet owners who bring pets that are not service animals into their establishment. I have also witnessed in the past pet owners being asked to prove their dog is a service animal.

With mental health issues and dogs trained to sense something like an epileptic episode coming, there are now Therapy animals, comfort animals and emotional support animals. That makes for more animals out with owners in the public, whether stores or eateries.

Businesses that serve the public must allow people with disabilities to enter with their service animal. Businesses may ask if an animal is a service animal or ask what tasks the animal has been trained to perform, but cannot require special ID cards for the animal or ask about the person's disability

I looked up the ADA-Americans with Disablities Act. And will post it here, assuming you are from the US. If not, you will need to check for a similar agency in your country and instead of state, region.
Here is that document:

https://www.ada.gov/regs2010/service_animal_qa.html

I want to point out Question 3's answer is important. Since this about about any kind of animal other than service animal, mostly emotional support animals, the following from the article is important to know:
"However, some State or local governments have laws that allow people to take emotional support animals into public places. You may check with your State and local government agencies to find out about these laws."

I think it may be due to such laws written for a ADA that most businesses no longer ask an owner if their dog is a service, therapy or emotional support animal. The amount of people with service or other type animals in public places is increasing greatly every day. There isn't a day I am out in public that I do not come across at least a couple such dogs in public places. Whereas 10 years ago or longer, although there were service animals, the other types were just starting to make their appearance in public. I remember one day on a drive remembering something we needed to purchase and it was too hot even with the windows down and we didn't want to make the trip home so we took our mini poodle and a blanket which we put where a child sits in a cart and took it into Walmart to get these much needed items. We never did it again. But I was also surprised that no one asked us about the dog. If they had I would have taken the dog out and looked for a shady spot to stand in while waiting for hubby to hurry and finish in the store. So apparently even back then, 10 years ago, pet owners were no longer being questioned. If I think like a business owner, I wouldn't worry about the one time customer passing through or the occasional times a person with a dog comes in. It is when the customer visits a place on a regular basis and is recognized on sight by workers that the customer needs to be asked. I have seen service animals not wearing any id stating they are service animals and another animal lover assuming it is not a service animal that should be touched and handled only by its owner. And when reaching outto pet the dog, the person is reprimanded by the owner who tells them that service animals are not to be touched and then get a little lesson told to them by a bitter angry owner. What makes this worse is that under law of the ADA as you will see in the document link I gave you to read, that service animals are not required to wear a harness with such ID and that makes it confusing for others. I now always ask if I may pet the dog and in almost all cases, the owner says yes, which goes to show that the greatest amount of animals helping owners are not service animals that should not be confusing with input from anyone other than their handler...like a blind person for example but that kind of owner is too obvious to spot. Its the others that catch us unawares.

If it is allowed in your state in public places including food courts, then I suggest you carry wet wipes with you and wipe down the table and chairs you choose. Dander doesn't go flying to land on tables or elsewhere unless a dog is being petted in which case also loose fur can go flying. If a dog is being a nuisance getting in your way to back up your chair or is constantly barking, then complain to the establishment manager that you would like them to ask the owner to control the dog or move on because it is disrupting your peace. And they can ask an owner to control the dog or leave. If a therapy or service dog of some sort is misbehaving, and that is affecting the quality of all the other customers experience, then they have a right to say something. We need not suffer just because a person who needs an animal is not choosing to train it well. Training by an agency is not required if an owner says they will train the animal. But theres the point, the animal must be trained and well behaved, otherwise, the owner has to follow the wishes of the public place they are at and a company as the right to ask them to leave. Maybe the dog isn't well or sick that day and acting up. They can have another chance to come another day but if its the same each time, a business can then ask them to not come back since their dog is not behaving. This I have picked up from observing owners and personell interacting.

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25/f

I feel like I am back in high school when I feel/think this way.

I had a crush on this guy four years ago. There was just something about him. Maybe I just thought he was cute? I'm not sure. I met him at a bar and he didn't remember me at all. Since he was in his partying phase and he told me he was drinking a lot back then. "Borderline alcoholic" is what he would tell me.

Speeding up to this year (no, he's not drinking as much anymore now): A month ago, I reached out to him to see how he was doing. And we started talking and it turns out there was an immediate spark between us. When we both saw each other, we acted neutral towards each other until a stranger tried hitting on me. So, because of that he told the stranger that I was his girlfriend and he kissed me. After that kiss, it's when it started. He told me he thought I was cute, he liked my personality, and he wanted to take me out on a proper date. I said "yes."

We spoke via text everyday, and he would continue to tell me he was looking forward to seeing me. He also mentioned he was going to be out of the country for a month. The day I saw him (Friday), we decided to skip dinner and to get drinks since neither of us was hungry. Again, later on that day, we kissed. He told me he was leaving at 2 AM the next day so he was going to pack. Before I left, he asked me if I wanted him to go with me. I said "no" and that I don't sleep with people on the first date. He understood and said it was a good thing. He kissed me again and told me that he liked me, was going to bring something back for me, and asked if it was okay if I saw a lot more of him when he got back from his trip. Again, I said "yes."

The next day, we didn't speak a lot. We spoke here and there. Then when it came to Sunday, I thought he was traveling but I noticed that he was online a lot but we didn't speak. I thought, "hey, maybe he has WiFi on the plane and he's just on it." I eventually messaged him a picture of my dog thinking he'd see it whenever he landed. And he immediately responded. Turns out he was in town for another day and he was just then going to the airport.

Two days after that, he didn't really speak to me at all (unless I said something first). I'm trying not to take it personal but he talks to his friends online, too. I'm reminding myself that he's on vacation and I'm probably not going to hear from him a lot. But I can't help but think if someone really did like me, he would at least say something here and there.

I've been trying to give him his space to do what he wants/needs to do. After all, he is on vacation. Am I thinking too much into this?

YOu did say he is on vacation. Some people are tied to their mobile phones by habit even on vacation and others aren't. You may not know which one he is. So let it rest. Don't worry and see what happens when he gets back.

When he is back, is he really is crazy about you, he is not going to want to be apart from you much, or at least talk. I met my second husband in on line dating. I had met many many guys and none of them hit me with their character like this one did. He didn't write at first because he thought I was too good to be true, I couldn't possibly meet the criteria of what he wanted and he wanted a mate also for the rest of his life, he and I were near 50.
So when he wrote me, I wrote back that same Saturday. Sunday he called me late, gave me his number to call and said he drove for Fed Ex so he might not call back til his break. We spoke and set a time to meet in person on his route which was in the area of my job. I met him before starting my shift. From that day on, we talked every evening for hours til our cell phones died on us. We finally had time to meet the following Sunday and after that, he already knew he wanted to be with me the rest of his life. What I am trying to say is that if a guy likes someone enough and his intentions are not just any old cute girl for a person to just do some social things or partying with or only for sex, but wanting that one special lady in his life to love the rest of his days, then he will waste no time talking to her and being around her and deciding as soon as possible to make a commit of sorts. OUr first commitment was moving in together a month after we met because he worked long days 10 hrs easy, sometimes more like getting home at 8 pm. That meant little time left for a girlfriend. A job situation can change in the future and his did so we had more time together but we talked a lot first, no fancy movie or dinner dates, just lots of talking to get to know each other, and we were finishing each others sentences already then. We were just so in sync that we knew we'd found the right person. Of course we are older. But guys at any age can be like this too.

What troubles me going only by your words is the story of going out the first time and some other guy hitting on you. I know plenty of people can get jealous if someone pays too much attention or hits on their companion. If already an established relationship for a while, thats understand able. However he felt the need to kiss you in front of this guy to prove that you were his girlfriend. YOur a girl, maybe a friend at that stage, but his girlfriend already on first time out? Hmm, I could be very wrong but he may have issues with low self confidence as a male and feel threatened by other males and feel he has to prove himself. Telling the other guy to leave you alone is one thing. Kissing you in front of the guy is another, like showing off, like look at me, I am the Alpha Male here.

But give him a really good chance to prove himself to be good boyfriend material or not.
And for the future, to determine whether he really loves you or not, (cus if he doesn't, he has no business still hanging out with you)
Read through the following questions (so save them for later) and then you will know. ITs mostly compiled by a man for women to help them understand men and know whether a man loves them or not. I find all these to be very true but added some of my own examples to make it even more clear.
Here it is:

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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so you answered a question about me and my sisters brothers sister and our sexual adventures. So i just need help on how to approach her. Like do i just say "hey you remember when i was rubbing your clit on the couch, you wanna take that farther?" or like idk what do i say, she is kinda awkward and so am i so idk how to approach it. Plus i still dont know if she would tell her brother like i dont know how close they are. I also think it would be kinda awkward if she said no and we're both over there because then there's this awkward silence and we're still often left at their house alone together, and when stuff is planned out isnt it more awkward. Plus what if we start doing it and she doesn't like it and tells like her mom or someone then there's more problems. Should we just start with kissing. there are so many factors an di am so nervous

I remember my teen years and again when my kids were that age. I had social anxiety, they did not. Either way didn't matter, those are still awkward years for ALL teens. It's just that some are very good at hiding it. I can only remember one girl who in grade school was genuinely not awkward, a leader type and lots of self confidence and she was the same in HS and recently at a reunion, exactly the same. There are not many who yet have total self confidence at the teen age years.

All I can say as far as you feeling nervous, it is either because you truly are not ready to do anything like this with someone else or it is nervous about what to say. If you can be honest with yourself and you feel not ready to experiment with other willing girls, then it is best to only focus on pleasing yourself for now. Just do masturbation and thats it. Unless you want some kind of vibrator for the clit and at your age you can't enter a sex toy store, you can find alternative items that vibrate and will do the job and are not sex toys. The vibrating toothbrushes I've seen on line sold as sex toys simply because they came up with a different end to put where the bristles go. If the non bristle side is used, it works very well, I have tried it. Hey I have to know if I am recommending these, right? Also, any kind of hand held vibrating muscle body massager if not too cumbersome to hold works good too. My husband recently saw a battery run contraption for filing finger nails, runs on battery and size of battery operated toothbrush, and came with different sanding or buffing option to slip over the plastic end. It was at a dollar store and he got it to surprise me with. And yes, it works very well the battery seems to last longer in that than in official sex toys.

Now that I've covered that, If you feel it's just feeling awkward about how to start the subject, best not to just bring it up when the situation is wrong. Lets say you two are talking about something you saw on Instagram or some other social media and your next statement of 'remember when I was rubbing your clit' is blurted out when the topic of conversation wasn't anywhere near that, then heck yes, that is very awkward and can put off the other person initially, even if they are open to the subject.

Your touching her once would be like a guy friend of yours that is only a friend, not a romantic possibility, just walking up and kissing you real long one day. You'd have to tell him right then if you didn't like that, didn't have those kinds of feelings for him, just friend and if he behaves from then on, a one time kiss shouldn't affect the relationship. So what if this guy comes to you a month later and says, Hey, remember when I kissed you? You didn't say you liked it or not. I was wondering if you'd like to kiss on a regular basis. This is imagining yourself in your girlfriends shoes, different core topic but still the same possible awkward feelings.

Now lets imagine the guy and you are talking about a couple at school who seem to spend more time kissing in the hallways than in class studying. The topic is already about kissing. So if he steers the kissing subject to you, he could say, "Yeah, as much as I like kissing, and I liked kissing you that one time, I can't see letting kissing take over my life so I have no time for school or my buddies or later, a job. But I also know that kissing is something I want to do in my teen years. It is fun and it is safe and no girls can get pregnant from just kissing. So I am wondering how you feel about it?

Now you were already on the subject of kissing so even if it makes you feel awkward or nervous, he didn't just start talking about it out of no where and I guarantee the level of nervousness would be less if not much at all. There will always be a level of nervousness for our first time at anything. Some of my examples are first time I practiced with a parent riding a bike, first time I went on a driving school lesson on the streets, first time at any new job, first time giving birth to a child. Those are valid reasons to feel nervous, things you have not experienced before. However as I said if you are not ready or never ready, there are other options. For me, instead of learning to ride a bike, just walking, for learning to drive, choosing to bus it everywhere instead and never learn to drive, for having a baby, choosing to adopt instead of give birth, for working a job, starting my own business and working for myself, not someone else.`

Now if you wait for a related topic of boys, kissing or sex to come up, it may be a long wait. You can try to lead the conversation in that direction by asking things generally related to the topic. If you know a girl who thought she was pregnant, discuss how it must have felt, so scary to think at that age you might be pregnant. If you watched a good movie about a pregnant teen, talk about it, even if you were the only one who saw it. Then you can follow it up with, "It got me thinking how even though I have all these sexual desires and want some release, I wouldn't want to take birth control at my age and don't even know how to go about getting it and I'd be so worried about becoming someones girlfriend and him pushing for sex with me and the possibillity of getting pregnant. And that reminded me of the other day when I rubbed your clit. That got me to thinking, that it is the safest way to enjoy sex with a partner without getting pregnant. I remember how you reacted. YOu seemed to like it but I am not sure. So tell me what you thought about it and if you feel two straight girls, or two girls who know they are not gay, could enjoy sexually pleasing each other. If you don't want to, thats fine, it was just an idea and I won't mention it again.

Does that sound awkward? It doesnt to me. You explain your line of thinking, and your wanting to know what she thinks. After she has told you where she stands and if she is open to it, you bring up keeping it secret unless some one that knows you both like your sister, her brother finding out anyways, you discuss between you how you would handle it, besides being embarrassed. What would you say to each of them? I think you don't have to explain yourself at all unless they start assuming you are gay or bi sexual when you aren't. Then you can explain that you both like boys but want sex now with someone but dont want to chance getting pregnant from a boy and if they mention birth-control, if it harsh on the young still maturing body to start using a medication that will distort your normal cycle and condoms aren't as safe as reported to be and young guys don't always know how to handle them safely. If you feel the need to ever explain to anyone but no guts to do so face to face for fear of blushing, stuttering, or w orse, just running away, then write that person a note to explain you are not gay and this is your way to enjoy sex without getting pregnant. End of story and you'd appreciate their not saying anything.
It would be in very bad taste for any family member to go sharing stuff like this with anyone and everyone. I would think your sis and her brother are mature enough since older. But if they ever threaten to share these details, you tell them its inappropriate and they wouldn't like it if you retaliated with stories about them sexually. I highly doubt that will ever be a problem. YOur biggest obstacle is discussing this with your friend. ANd if she is totally against it, you say it was just an idea and you will never mention it again or touch her like that again and if there is good trust between you, it shouldn't change the friendship or make it awkward. I've had boyfriends or now my husband suggest something that I don't like and I tell him so and that does not change our relationship at all. Even if my husband does something for the first time and I don't appreciate for reasons of my own, ANd that has happened. I told him but then I cried and said i was crying because it is so important to me that he not do that again the way he had but that I still love him and he apologized and never did it again. It hasn't damaged the relationship. IT
is when we don't talk things out, that people run into trouble in any kind of relationship, be it couples, friends, coworkers or boss, parents and siblings. If it is something difficult to discuss and you know you'll have a hard time finding the right words or examples to use, then before you start talking about the subject, simply say, there is something I need to say to you but it is going to be difficult for me. I ask you to allow me to finish first before you respond and also look past any bad wording or examples to the actual thing I am trying to say to you. If you are not sure what I meant, rephrase it and ask if I meant that or ask me to explain in different words. ANd then you start the awkward topic. Anyone who already has a relationship with you and is a good friend or partner, will trust you enough to not jump to conclusions before you are done explaining and will answer kindly and thoughtfully and not chew you out or call your ideas stupid or something else.

I hope this has helped you dear.

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Thank you so much for clicking on my question. I appreciate your willingness to help me sort through this difficult issue. I'm a 27 year old female. My family is basically like a cult. While I love them and care for them, I understand that I need to break free because it's not a healthy environment. I could go on and on and provide story after story. But, to make several long stories short, they have isolated me to a point that is unhealthy. At this point in my life, I have one friend, and now they've prohibited her from coming into the house because my grandmother had an "intuition." I live in my mom's efficiency. I don't pay rent, but I pay the mortgage of the house and all of the utilities. So, basically, my mom doesn't pay any bills. Her aunt pays her car. I think the only thing she pays for is her phone, which is like $50 a month. Unfortunately, I live in Miami. If you aren't aware, Miami has the biggest gap in the country between cost of living and salary. I'm a teacher and my salary is $41,000 a year. After taxes, it's about $2,000 a month. I have two other jobs: teaching english online and driving for uber. The cheapest apartment rentals are $1200 a month. I have tried looking for a roomate, but i'm really not interested in rooming with young college students who party/drink, etc. I know everyone is not like this. I KNOW. But, unfortunately, my options are limited because of where I live. This is a big city a party place. People come here to party and it's hard to find a roomate my age, as most people I know are married.

I have decided to move. I can't live here anymore because it's effecting my health. If my home-life and family-life was healthier, I would be able to stay with them, living in the efficiency, saving money, and then buying a house. But, the reality is, that I can't. I have gotten to the point where I've considered that living is not worth it. When I leave and go on vacations, I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my chest. I feel more confident about my choices. I'm happier. I don't feel like the impending cloud of doom is looking over me. I really want to move to Los Angeles. I already have people there that I know and won't feel totally alone... but I can start anew.

The issue is that because I don't have an address in LA, it is really difficult to get a job there. When I apply online, it always asks me for an address. I do have a friend who moved there and then looked for work. But, unfortunately, I can't take that chance because I have no financial help. My parents aren't exactly responsible with money and I know my mom will do everything in power for me to fail living there because they want me in the house where they can see me all the time. My mom has no life of her own. After she divorced my dad, she never dated, made friends, etc. So, she sees me as everything. Yes, it's sad. But, all my life that responsibility has been placed on me. As a child, I was the parent and I'm tired. I just want to live my life as an adult without the added pressure of raising another adult.

So, my question is.. how can I make this work? Any tips on how to get a job there before actually moving? Any successes with relocating for jobs?

I remember your situation and am glad to hear you plan to move. I do not know if there are specific places to go for listings of teaching positions, but you should be able to ask around until someone can tell you what is best way to find a new teaching position. It is more important that you leave than where you go as long as the gap between earnings and cost of living isn't so big. So do your research on the states or cities that are best in that and don't just confine yourself to finding a job in California. Places where you already know someone is best so you can stay with them while starting a new job. However, you might also try to consider if there are hostels nearby where you can stay as long as you do your share of work to be able to stay for free and check on time limits. If you find a job in state or another area of your own state where you do not have s omeone to stay with during the transition, a hostel near by your work location might work out.

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Hi so this story might sound a little weird and i am really not here for judgement. i just want help i am 15 btw. So my sister recently got in a relationship (shes 25) and i stay with her a lot, her boyfriend lives with her and his sister stays with them too so often times we are all there together and i have gotten to be close to his sister. Shes 15 too. We talk hang out and a lot of times my sister and her boyfriend will go out to dinner and stuff and leave us there, so one night while we were sitting there i was laying on her lap and i don't really know what happened but i ended up rubbing her... sexually. I looked up at her to see how she was feeling and she had her head cocked back moaning so yeah, we didn't kiss or anything it was just the rubbing. She started to run her hand down my side (cause i was laying sideways on her lap ) and i squeezed her boobs and all and yeah but then i noticed she was getting more and more aroused and obviously i was too, she was soaking wet so i tried to make the next move and put my hand in but she kind of stopped me, me being me not knowing what to do next i kinda just stopped everything and laid down a little bit farther away and ended up falling asleep worrying it might be awkward the next day, so then the next day i woke up and saw her and she kinda acted like nothing happened which i was happy about cause u know i didnt want it to be awkward and we haven't talked about it since. Our relationship has been pretty much normal with flirty comments here and there but i kinda wanna explore that side with her. I am straight but i am bi curious and i wanna see what it would be like. She is kinda confusing me because i get these hints and like she seems like it but i dont know . I know i probably shouldnt but i want to make a move and kiss her or something but i dont know how she will react and i dont want it to turn into something where i kiss her and she goes and tells her brother and he tells my sister and then my whole family knows and her whole family knows and i cant stay over there with them anymore. But like i really want something to happen with us, She has a nice butt, a great chest and she is so beautiful. Sometimes we talk outside of when were over there but not much
Overall Question(s): should i make a move? should i just talk to her? should i flirt more and see where it goes. I dont know what should i do

Talk to her. It might seem something embarrassing to bring up the subject of in case she is not into it but you need to realize that there are many girls your age whose hormones have them horny and they don't want to take the chance of getting pregnant by a boy. And they may not truly find they only get turned -on by girls in which case they would be lesbians. Many straight girls your age who want to experiment with sex do so with other straight females and they go on later to having healthy relationships with guys. It's actually a good thing if you consider you learning what it takes to get yourself or another person off. You will already know by time you are older and fall in love with a man and can tell him what you like. If you explain to her that this is not because you or her might be gay but as a safe alternative to experience sex and enjoy it, she may not feel so awkward or embarrassed or feel its wrong. It's still up to her whether she wants to do it or not. Based on the little she experienced and liked, I am sure if you both look at it this way, it may be easier to make the shift and start doing this.

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Hello Dragonflymagic,

I'm sorry for writing you again. i'm the one who wrote you about ex boyfriend wishing that he was single to be with me two days ago i guess.

i'm grateful for your answer but i just wish to ask you a little more therefore im writing agian about the same topic.

he's a good boy and hard worker ever, truthful and funny, great in bed and sincere and a very family man. he's divorced and has a boy with his ex wife and this is his second relationship and he has a kid with her too but they'e not married but a girlfriend. theyr're together for almost 4 years now and he's says he happy with her she's never done anything bad to him and he don;t want to abandon all this family and his own family becasue she's a nice girlfriend but i'd say 4 years is just a period of time, sometimes no matter how long you think you know the person but there's still more to learn and know the person in everyone.

me and him only known for 18 months a good friend we became first and started to date but only for 5 months until he broke up with me because this all is wrong as he's got a family a kids to raise and a girlfriend who loves him, thats what he said, he don't want to abandon his family for me and he said, you came on a wrong time, you want something serious and i can;t give you that, im sorry you're such a beautiful and good hearted girl but i think we both have to be realistic here, i did fall in love with you and YES I DO LOVE YOU BUT I CAN;T BE WITH YOU and im sorry for all this situation baby i feel extremely sad and bad, he also said I WISHED I WAS SINGLE BUT I'M NOT, THERE'RE LOTS OF GUYS WHO WILL KILL FOR YOU, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY BABY, those were the exact words he used Dragonflymagic because we still see each other 2 twice a week sometime 3 times a week, and he asked me the other day, how long are we doing this because we have to be realistic and don't want his girlfriend to find out about us, he says what happens to his family and friends if theu find out, he won;t be able to live, i told him even he broke up with me months ago we're still seeing each other and i still love him and i'm still in love with him and he told me, he can't commit to me, but i just think and i told him, you and your girlfriend will split up one day just give it a time and it's just a mattter of time, you're not going to end up together, thats what i told him and he replid, NO, never, if anything happens like youve said then i'll come knocking on your door if youre still single then we'll go out if not then i'll walk away.

Now, dragonflymagic, the thnig i dont understand is he's such a devoted father and good boyfriend. when we're togther he just made me feel like a proper princes compared to my two ex boyfreind, he's everything i want in a guy and including in the bedroom. he knows how to please and satisfy me and we loved each other but when he told me when they're on a holiday with his parents he had time to think his eyes were opened so he can't go on with me so he must finish with me. i still love him and i cried like a hell when he first broke up with me and this is the second time he broke up with me again, i think he was just reassuring me that we can't be togther, i've been crying like a hell, im sorry dragonflymagic, i just feel blue...he was not happy with her when he dated me but like any other couple they seemed to make up and he don;t want to hurt her.


I asked him is this just for sex we're still seeing each other and he replied, NO, i love your company and i love seeing you, i love the sex, and i do love you but i can;t commit you but when i'm single i will come to you!! you;re a good girl and deserve much better than me, he replied.
i told him you;re not happy with her underneath, he yes, im very happy but i dont believe him i thnk he's only with her because while he works she looks after the kid and cooks and washes but i can do that too..im just very sad. i also asked him if he wanted me to leave the place as im a distraction to him and said up to you, your choice.

So, can i hear your suggestions please Dragonflymagic? we're both not a bad people, are we? what is he saying here? what does he mean by coming knocking on my door, saying he loves my company etc..i know that he does still loves me truly romantically, he also said if he was single he would take me to moon!! when he says bye he always gives me a kiss on my lips and says i love you

I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY, Dragonfymagic!

Wow, now I find out there is an ex wife as well with another child? Hon, I can understand people not being happy with the person they married when they were young and as they mature, realizing the person they are with is wrong and divorcing. Heck I did the same. But the key is to learn from our first mistake. Why was the person wrong for us, what is it we really need in a partner and then go find the right one the second time.

Your guy hasn't learned that yet.

All successful, happy healthy relationships are built on a solid foundation. In the bible is a story of a mans house built on shifting sand and he lost his house. For a relationship the foundation is important as well and is made up of two parts. ONe being each others best friend and the other, being compatible sexually. Most relationships and marriages have people who have only one of those, where they are each others best friend or the best lover. That would be the only reason for him to go looking to see another woman while committed to his girlfriend. I can't say which he feels he is missing in his relationship and the only problem is he says he comes to you for both things. So again, something doesn't add up. He is either is need of a female best friend or a female lover only because he already has one of those two with his girlfriend. Before I met my 2nd husband, I met guys from on line dating. One guy in our first and only meet up saw how open and honest I was about myself and a good person and felt guilty and spilled his secrets: He had a wife. Says they no longer have sex and so thats why he is looking for sex outside the relationship. I was looking for a whole relationship, not just sex. So I asked him, if thats what you want, you need to have a talk with the wife and tell her you would like to stay married to her but need sex and are asking her permission to take a lover on the side. I told him unless I had her permission from meeting her and her saying so, that I would not get involved with anyone who wants to do so in secret behind their partners back. He looked horrified at my suggestion. "I couldn't possibly do that to her. I love her. She's my best friend. I plan to stay with her to the end of our lives. Its just that we don't have sex." I explained that it went against my personal policies, and morals and I wouldn't do so. He pleaded with me a bit and realized I was not going to just have a fling and throw all cares to the wind. And this dating is when I was nearing 50 so this man had to be mid 50's and considering living a false life with his wife, having her thinking she's the only one and that he was okay with no sex. So I have seen it first hand dear, that there are people who can be married to their best friend, really love the person deeply, even if there is no sex and can't imagine a life without them. These people know if they asked a woman who was only best friend if it would be okay to take on a lover that she would be upset enough to possibly want a divorce and that was what the guy in my experience was afraid of.

Either that, or your guy could be a player. Or he may think he knows what real love is, the kind of love required for a successful relationship. You know you can't compare the word love in I love cheesecake to I love my boyfriend. Same word but no matter how much I love cheesecake, I could not ever choose cheesecake over my husband and let him go. I'd let the cheesecake go. Its a thing. HE is a person. So maybe he loves you but just for a few aspects about you and thinks it is love. He certainly doesn't sound like he is material for polyamourous relationships with more than his core relationship. Guys who can't handle polyamoray but want to experience relationships with as many women as they can will just do a series of short term monogamous relationships. So this would be like dating one person only for a couple years, breaking up, meeting another and staying only 8 months before leaving for another for a year, and later another for how ever much time. IT just continues. It could be he's one of those guys who claim to be so in love with women that he wants to experience and have as many as he can but only thru being dishonest with all of them.

NOW here's something to think about. If he can see you and not tell his current girlfriend, whats to stop him from not telling you when he decides to expand his secret harem and add on another girl after you? Oh, but that would never happen to you right? Why? What makes you exempt from it happening to you? It's not about you being special enough so he doesnt cheat on you with a couple new girls after you, claiming to love them for everything not just sex. Right now he see's you twice a week. That is prolonging the whole affair for you, making it impossible to get over him and move on. Let's imagine a couple years into the future. He has added in another girl or two. He wants to see each one weekly. But can't be away from his baby mom too long so he is stretched out to seeing 3 other women each once a week, and that means you now see him only once a week. YOu were okay with twice a week only for as long as you could get it, so he knows you probably wouldn't have a big adjustment going down to seeing him once a week. You are like a ship without a rudder or sails dear. You are going no where fast. I am not picking on you as I had to learn all this stuff and didn't know it when I was younger and thats why I ended up with an abusive man. Okay so you are verbally or physically abused but he is still messing with you if he made to move to go after you in the first place knowing he was in no such position to start a relationship when he was already in one. I can see him making a mistake first time, divorcing and starting again. But he is not married to the second one and there is no need for a divorce. You could be one of many in a long line of women to come. If that is what you want out of life, then you have no business getting all concerned and worried about what he means and what he is doing, just enjoy him while you can while he has time for you.
I know this is starting to sound harsh and its meant to be to wake you up girl. Women get emotionally attached to men way too easily, often when the man isn't deserving of their love and devotion and so it is hard for them to leave a bad sample of a man while still having feelings. It will hurt, like losing a loved one to death. But everyone who loses a partner to death has a life afterwards. Only the few who never complete a proper grieving get stuck and that is a small minority. Some who lose a partner to death will go on and find a new partner and commit and possibly marry even though they felt love for the one they lost or had to leave. Okay, I know you don't want to do that. So you will have to learn the hard way dear but thats how I learned, the hard way. And therefore, I didn't find the right guy until I was almost 51. If you don't want to listen to my advice and avoid having to wait until middle age or later to mature enough and learn when to give up and move on, then thats your choice. But as I said, if not trusting me, then how about a man whose youtube videos made for women to help them understand dating and love from a males view. He helps you to understand the working of a man when it comes to being in love or not. I copied all his words down in a document and will share that with you now. This should reveal if he really loves you. If I am right, he already fails at number 3 and number 6.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

It also may be that all the qualities that you see in him that you like are not meaning that you should be in relationship with him. Women should be making a paper list or mental list of all the qualities they come across in males, of any age, any relation to you or even strangers you observe. YOu start when you go through puberty and watch males closely, keeping notes of all the qualities you like in them. Then with that list of qualities, you compare each man you meet to that list and if he doesn't match up, he's out of luck. That is how I went about finding my soul mate and 2nd and last husband I'll ever need. The list wasn't even my idea. After leaving my ex, God begain to talk to me and my angels kept reminding me to make this list and I put it off, forgot and didn't realize the significance but eventually from having that darn concept come popping into my mind at random times daily, I finally decided to do it. NOw I wouldn't take the list so lightly ever again. It really works in helping you focus on your goal. Maybe you don't even have a goal of what you are looking for, I would think a husband and father to your children. If you still feel confused and unsure of what you should be doing and think you want to try making the list of what to look for to find your Mr Right or confirm he is it, then ask for 'how to find Mr Right' and I will post it in answer to your request. Mind you that even if you decide that he's the only one for you that he has to feel the same right now, not ten years in the future. Otherwise, there is no future with him. Two visits a week is not much to brag about in a relationship where he already has someone else and kids with two w omen.

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what does it mean when an ex boyfriend says, he wishes he was single so he could be with me, he told me you came on a wrong time. i cried so much even though we broke up we were still seeing each other twice a week. known for 18 months. dated even though he was still with his girlfriend as they were not happy but he broke up with me for his kids and current girlfriend. I'm not a bad person and please do not judge me but why would he say he wished he was single but he is not? we're in our mid 20's. thank you

I understand you are not a bad person dear but there are some situations in which one is just asking for trouble on down the road and one of them is a guy who is committed to a girl already who comes along and says he is unhappy, whether true or not, and the new girl deciding to date him because he is in an unhappy relationship.

I know a little of how people think in all sorts of relationship types, as I used to do swinging and know people who are polyamorous.

Let me start with the last one. Polyamory is being in love with more than one. Some times, it is singles, and sometimes couples who are married and each has another person they are in love with. IT is not about seeing others behind each others back but your partner knowing and being okay with since trust comes into play, especially with birthcontrol and staying safe from disease using condoms, etc. Though most enjoy sex, these relationships are open with doing all the other kinds of things together that a couple will do, just on a lesser scale with any others added in, after your core and first relationship. I am mentioning this in case this guy ever tells you that he is polyamorous. Based only on what you have said, my guess is he is not poly at all. I'll bet his childrens Mom is not aware he was ever seeing you. Most women become very territorial the moment they even think that their guy is with them but playing around on the side. I understand it wasn't about playing around for you, but seeking a true relationship. However she would see it as playing around and to be honest, if you had kids with a guy and he was still living with you but you found he saw a girl on the side, your first thoughts would also be that he is playing around on the side. Maybe she did find out and thats why he cut it off.
Realistically, if he is not deeply in love with her, there is truly nothing to hold him with her, not even having kids together. HOw many relationships do you know where the couple had kids together, married or not and now are no longer together? That's why there is such a thing called 'child support'. I can't say if he decided he can't afford to support himself and a new woman if he had to pay child support each month. That might be the only reason why he broke up but wishes he could still be with you.

Now here's a potential character flaw he may have. He was not truthful with his first lady when he had a relationship with you. NO he may not have lied but with holding the truth is choosing to not be on the level with someone. And most the time, it is hurtful and harmful. If child support is the only reason he won't be with you, then he is not being forthcoming with information with you. NO, you won't feel better, but maybe you'd at least understand why he is choosing to stay away from you and it might help you bring closure to this relationship and move on. Its having SO many questions with no explanations or answers in sight that make this an issue for you.

For a relationship to work, two people need to be able to talk out everything, especially any feelings of sadness, anger, fear, feeling upset, stressed, when the storms of life come and affect you. A couple needs to pull together and work through each issue that is affecting one or both at the same time. Examples: OUr van not starting up, and having to cancel plans and have it towed is something we have to deal together on. If one is having health related symptoms that are scary and need attention, then its best for the partner to know so they can support and encourage the other to see the Dr. or if its something where they now have a disease they need to manage, you can't hide from your partner that you have diabetes when you always can't eat the cookies or other sweets they got for you.
Where there is a will, there is a way. That old saying holds true here. If he was never in love with her but is with you, there is no need to give up and say I wish I met you first, or that you came along before I met her. That's no excuse. The reason you wrote here is because even though you don't understand fully what he meant, and I even less, something about it doesn't sit right, am I correct. Females have woman's intuition. Not all of us realize what it is or how it feels. A woman can know something is off, not quite right or the entire truth but also not have all the answers either. I believe that's where you are. You know that something about this doesn't sound right.

So back to where there is a will-meaning him wanting to be with you as he claims-a person who wants something-whether a person or a thing, does not give up so easily. Did you ever stop begging for something the first time your parents said NO.
I don't think so unless you are not like millions of people. Most humans are born with the desire to go after what they want, or at least go after things that they feel are within the realm of reality to come true. Apparently he hasn't given this enough thought to see other possibilities.

So let me spin a little story here of one possibility. LEts say he does leave her, finds out what his child support will be and what he has left monthly to support himself and you with your income. He can't do it unless he earns more, works more hours or a PT job as well and perhaps even has to find a much much cheaper form of housing. Maybe he and you would hunt around for other couples and all rent a 3 or 4 bedroom house together, and share the common areas. No its not ideal, but guess what, the two of you would be together. To get what we want, we have to let go of what we are still holding onto. We can't grab anything new if we are still attached to a certain level of living that we are used to that we are not willing to give up. Maybe he has a car and car payments. If he gave up the car and took buses for a while until he could save enough to buy an older car outright, his budget could work this out. But something is holding him back hon, and unless he lied about how he feels about her, it is going to be something else. This means you are not as high a priority as you think you ever were in his life or he's do anything to be with you.

When I met the man who became my 2nd husband, he wrote to me online on a dating site because his teen daughter told him he should start dating. She was spending more time with friends and knew he was missing having someone special in his life. He chose not to try until then because he felt that with the hours he worked, way way more than a 40 hour week, that he had no time to offer a lady. Truly, he left the apt. at 6 am and didn't get home til about 8 pm. Monday thru Friday and also had to go work Sat. mornings. That didn't leave much time. However My first marriage was bad and abusive too. I only wanted to find a man who would treat me like a queen and make me his top priority. He took that job to support his daughter. He earned enough to pay all the bills, so what I earned went into savings. His schedule changed, job changed and where we lived changed and all of a sudden, we had more time together.
Currently, we both work pt, just enough to keep us going and are choosing to live out of our van because this is the way we can spend the ultimate amount of time together. We hardly need any breaks from each other, just him playing a game on his phone while i read a book is enough. We are older and getting close to retirement too and plan to live retirement this way too.
I shared this to show you that when a couple both want the same thing, they will do whatever they have to do, think outside of the box, something unconventional to make a life together happen.
Since that is not happening with him, something is seriously wrong hon. I can't say what it is but it could be many possibilities. I have only hinted at what a few of those possibilities might be. They are all bad enough that I would have a real good talk and try to get the whole truth out of the guy and if he start making the changes and decisions that bring you both together, if you want that, then I personally wouldn't waste any more time thinking about him. The feelings won't disappear for a while but if you find another guy who treats you like a queen, then all of a sudden you'll realize you no longer hurt when thinking of him and can smile at any fun memories of the time with him.
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24/f

so to make a long story short, this guy and i dated for about two years before i ended things between us. it wasn't a toxic relationship or anything like that, but i had a lot of growing up to do and at the time, i was struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues and basically i felt unworthy of dating someone. the relationship itself was also quite bland. we didn't really do anything, except hold hands, go on movie dates, and once in a while hang out at parties. we were pretty young.

it's been about six years since we broke up. and honestly, he is a good person and i would like to be friends with him still, and I have tried to keep our friendship alive despite breaking up, but even after all this time, he says he still has feelings for me. He's honestly had it really rough since we broke up; he ended up in abusive relationship after we broke up, he lost a very close family member, and this and that. And he has never once forced his feelings for me on me. He never tried to guilt me. he's been very mature about it.

What i'm asking is if this is toxic for him; me wanting to try and just be friends with him. if this is hurting him more than its helping him. i do enjoy his company, he's a good person, i'd definitely say he's probably someone's dream guy because of how sweet he is, but he's just not my dream guy, if that makes sense. Am i hurting him, though? Should I just let it go? Can exes not be friends after a relationship?

I'll start with this: ... "but even after all this time, he says he still has feelings for me".

It depends on those feelings of his. I have no way to know exactly how he feels, you have a better chance if he is really in tune to exactly what he's feeling and if he is willing to be honest with you about that. If he cares about you as a person but does not have romantic desires, then his feelings won't suffer if he sees you as a friend. If he harbors hope that in spending more time with you, that you'd fall in love with him now that you are older and he is in love with you, then it would be torture to him to spend time with you, if you've made yourself clear how you feel as a friend but not a romantic partner. Switch roles and imagine not him but an imaginary guy you were in love with. Now he's back as a friend. If he wants to see you and hang out, wouldn't you with how you still feel, want to spend time to see if he'll change his mind or fall for you? If he says to you that he never felt that spark or chemistry needed for you both to be romantic partners, but would like to see you as a friend, then how would you feel, spending time with him, knowing he'll never change his mind? I don't think you'd want to invest time that way when it isn't really an investment into the kind of relationship you are still looking for. Sometimes, only one person of a couple has feelings and the other doesnt. I did online dating and lots of guys I met said they had feelings but I did not feel anything in return on meeting them, even just the first time. Its about having pheromones that are alike enough to feel that magnetic pull that you feel when you've played with magnets. If you turn them around to their polar opposite sides and try to get them to click together, they won't. Theres an energy between them but one that repulses each of the two magnets ends. That would be when you have no attraction at all to someone. Then theres all the levels in between. For some people its strong enough for them to notice but for others, unless there is that magnetic bond you feel early on with a person, its a no go for an intimate relationship.
So, it may be strong enough for him but its not there for you. Make sure he understands that the next time you talk. And tell him it occurred to you to make this plain to him in case he has hopes that somehow in time you'd want him back as a romantic partner. Ask him if he'd still want to stay friends or not. He may want to and understand. But the bigger issue for many people I've talked to before you, has been for the one who does not return feelings of love but knows the other person still has it, you can hear it in their voice, see it in their eyes or end up overthinking every little touch there is from him, even a pat on the shoulder. More often, its the person who is not in love who feels really awkward and can't find themselves relaxing and just enjoying the friendship because of their awareness of how the other person still feels. So I believe It is equally or even more important how you feel. If you feel you can handle it, go for it. If you get to a point where you can't handle it anymore, you will have to say something to him. He can't change his feelings. He doesn't have to say I love you when his whole body is radiating those feelings when he's with you. And a person can't control body language, the subtle messages that another person picks up on. So what I am saying is that I can't say yes or no, it's really more up to how its affecting you or him. It wouldn't be toxic as in something that would be detrimental to a person's well being, but it can certainly make a person uncomfortable, feelings of having to be on guard, awkward and those are enough to kill it.

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Hi,I am a 9th grade female and I have a little bit of a situation. So it is nearing the end of the year and we are having a school dance and at first i was just planning to go and go alone but then this guy who i like a lot and i am very attracted too asked me and i was super excited. So we were going as friends but then after a few weeks we started talking like relationship wise and now were dating, okay here's my situation.... He has a overprotective mom that is very stuck on keeping him her baby boy, he of course told her that we were going to the dance together, but she doesn't really want him to be involved with girls because hes done stuff before that can cause her not to trust him, not with girls but problems in general. SO idk the end of the school year is coming up and i couldn't stand going through the summer without seeing him, iv'e had to do it so many times before and i am done with these non working over text summer relationships. So idk i am picking him up for the dance and of course i will have to meet his mom, i just want to show her she can trust me with her son so we can be able to hang out. IDRK this message is kind of confusing but yeah i just want his mom to trust me and i want to be able to hang out over the summer without having to be in a group

-note- there is a girl in his neighborhood that has a huge crush on him and me and him are strong but if we dont see eachother all summer i just dont want him to slip away into her arms
please help.

Lets start with the last thing you said. If it can't be you seeing him this summer and I assume you mean due to his Mom. Then how do you think his Mom will allow him to see ANY girl this summer at all?

I am a parent and my kids are now late twenties, early thirties but I remember HS days for them, very well. I can understand a parent being protective of their kids, I was too. There is such a thing as being strict but a parent willing to change their decision once more information that was lacking before, comes to their knowledge. I was taught this in a parenting class. The child would need to come to the parents with new info or a slightly different plan that they might accept and this is called asking if they may appeal. Its like in court where the term is used.

He would need to work for his independance and regain trust if he wants any kind of life while he is still a teen under parents care and their judgement calls until he turns 18 and is considered an adult. So he would need to know what there is that he can do that they will trust. It is okay to not accept non answers from Parents too tired to care at the moment or engage their mind and really concentrate. Sometimes, a parent has no real plan and just says the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I have done the same but taught my kids how to appeal and more often than not, once they gave me another option or more info, I changed my decision. Of course this will only work on parents who do not suffer anxieties or distorted thinking or some kind of mental illness. My ex was like that and there was no way of coming to any agreement or winning any debate or argument, he was always right in his mind and so it is with some parents.
Heres something I did with my girls when they were in HS. I asked them to look at the other girls who dated, how they were in and out of relationships all the time and how it affected their grades when they were too upset to concentrate on school work. My girls, all three did indeed see that and reported back to me what was going on in school and they didnt want it to affect their grades. I explained how at their age, it was more important to enjoy males as close friends just like girlfriends, rather than try the dating gf/bf thing which is destined to fail several times at that age due to not having prior experiences. Its a learn as you go situation and doesnt mix well with school. So if they were crushing on a guy or he wanted to date them, I said they could tell him I prefered they keep it at friendship level. Of course being best friends and being the most compatible lovers are the two things every successful adult relationship has. So I also know and told them that they just might go from being best friends to after a while wanting more and that was okay as long as they talked to me before moving ahead as I would take them for birthcontrol if they felt they were at a point they could no longer resist. And lastly, I had to meet the boy and he had to be willing to come over to our home to hang out with her as long as we were home, otherwise, no way. Her bedroom door had to remain open too. But the daughters knew they could do this much and were okay with it. However out of 3 girls, not a single guy was willing to take us up on it. I do know of another gal whose bf came to her home alot and was friendly and talkative with her parents, kind of like another kid of theirs, like it was for some of my daughters girlfriends. Parents can get to feeling close with friends of their child, be they female or male. And after a few years of feeling that comfortable with the boy, the parents let them go out dating because they knew they could trust him.

I can't say what this Mothers mind is like but it is possible that she may feel better about it all if you avoided the use of the terms girlfriend or him being the boyfriend as those terms make parents jump to conclusions and get nervous. It would be even better if both sets of parents could meet at some point, sooner than later. I don't know if you are allowed to invite girlfriends over when the family is having a barbecue or going on an outing. If his Mom knew parents would be around and that she could call your Mom at first to see if all is well, then she may no longer worry. If it was the other way around and about you going to his parents, then the same thing in reverse. Your Mom should feel comfortable about the type of parent this woman is and whether you would truly be safe and supervised while there. I always went to meet the parents as soon as my kids mentioned a new friend wanting them to come over after school. In fact, I would walk with my kid and the friend to their home to meet a parent or arrange to come over in the evening if no one was home til after work. I met some great parents but the majority could care less where their kid went or who I was and why I was there to meet them and I also came across a couple of homes where one parent was a drug addict with druggie friends passed out in sleeping bags all over the floor or drunk or something like that. Then my kids knew they could never go there but those kids were welcome at our home. I don't think what you asked is confusing at all. At least I hope I got the jist of it all from what you wrote and have answered with some helpful thoughts. As embarrassing as it may seem to have parents involved when you are at the age you are, it is a big step for the parents peace of mind, especially his mom if he's gotten into trouble and broke rules and broke trust with them. It takes longer to regain trust because parents are older and have already learned from others doing it to them or they doing it themselves once upon a time, and what they've learned is that sometimes people will pretend to go by the rules only long enough to regain trust and then break the rules again. That actually happens often enough that I can still see adults doing this. My husband calls this, giving a person another chance and enough slack to hang themself with. What he means is that if a person has not learned to regret what they did and want to do better and at least be making an effort, then he has no problem with them. But in recent years, a couple of much older adults have done that exact same thing, pretended they were sorry and going to never do what they did to us ever again. As soon as they broke trust with us, then we cut off associating with them for good. You wouldn't believe how many times these people called in anger cussing us out in phone messages because we wouldn't answer or talk or even see them. So it's a good thing to learn now to learn from mistakes and to be patient while truly planning to regain trust and keep it.

If there's anything else, you can write to me from my column as I can't answer any questions posted where you rate or comment on my answer.

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So my 8th grade dance is coming up really soon, and I've been pretty sure that I was going to go. I've been browsing around online for dresses and even went to look at dresses with my friend at the mall the other day. And I reallyyyy want to go, rather, need to go, to maintain the very small social life that I've managed to build for myself. My whole life all my friends have just been backstabbing b*tches who'd ditch me whenever someone more appealing would come along. And then I moved before 5th grade, just making everything an infinity times worse. I was just a social outcast through all of 5th grade. But in 6th grade, I started making friends who actually have LASTED. Now I have a decent amount of friends (like 2 or 3 "besties", and the rest of them r just good friends, but in the end, its not that many). ALSO, VERY UNEXPECTEDLY I guy asked me to the dance (I'm not the type who'd get asked...am I that nice...I dunno??), however I said no, because my dad would NEVER let me go with a guy, and if he by chance somehow found out, he'd disown me (its just a fact, and no, I'm not exaggerating). He let me go to the 5th grade dance...of course all the teachers had to work to convince him, I was the only one who wouldn't have gone otherwise, and I only was allowed to stay for 20 minutes while my parents waited for me... BUT I thought that he'd let me go to the 8th Grade Dance because I'm older and I thought that he'd be ever so slightly less narrow-minded, or at least I assumed...BUT NOOOOOO he has to be the b*tchy dad that he is (that was without all the cuss words hun) and suddenly say no, or if I may quote "NO WAY!" I was supposed to go shopping for my new glass frames today, and that's when my mom said that we should buy the dress I picked out the other day while we're there. That's when Mr. B*tch flipped out and yelled "NO WAY!!" and started ranting about the evils of a "dance". That's when I totally lost it and had to use all my self control not to actually physically punch Mr. B*tch, because whenever I try to argue a fair point, he just yells even LOUDER and tells me to SHUT UP and that he knows what's best. "BEST" MY ASS! And...well here I am ranting to diffuse all this pent up hatred. I NEED to go, the whole grade is going! I even told him about all my friends that r going who's parents he's friends with. But nooooo Mr. B*tch doesn't care and is just going to be a tyrant and dictate my life forever!!! TT~TT WHAT DO I DO?!! All my friends r going and its my last chance to spend some quality time with some of my friends who r going to a different high school (cause naturally, being the b*tch that he is, he doesn't let me go to my friends' houses or to bday parties or anything). I've finally managed to make some decent friends but I'll just be isolated again when everyone is keeps talking about the dance for days! Mr. B*tch is the SOLE REASON why I haven't made ANY decent friends my WHOLE LIFE. PLEEEEEASE HELP!!! HELP ME THINK OF SOME WAY TO CONVINCE HIM TO LET ME GO! PLEEEEEEEASE I'M REALLY COUNTING ON U GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!😫😫😫

You have two parents and never mention Mom. I suppose she has no say in this or rather, has learned through Dad's behavior to let him have his way. If you are not even allowed to visit friends away from school, then there is a big problem and I am willing to bet it goes far beyond having over protective parents. I am going to guess that your Dad has some form of mental disability if he won't listen to reason, everyone else is always wrong and he must get his way all the time or he comes to pieces and the yelling to communicate....yes just these to name a few remind me of my ex husband who has mental illness. Although he choose to mainly yell at me and I had to keep the kids in line according to his wishes. I also went against him in many things and sometimes he listened to reason but I learned for the most part, there is no such thing as reasoning with a mentally disturbed person and so learned when to argue or not. My kids were allowed, by my saying this is how it would be, to see other friends. However I had to meet the parents first and feel it was a safe place to go. For the most part, almost all kids except those physically destructive to our property, were allowed to come over to our house. I am glad I was at least this protective because one house had a druggie mom how allowed druggie frineds to stay while Dad worked 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet and was the level headed one but never there. The other was a latch key kid whose Mom was not home and when i went to meet her discovered she didn'tarrive home until hr and half after I was there waiting with the kid saying Mom should already be home. Okay, thats not so bad but when she walked in, took a glance at me, another strange adult in her home and didn't bother to ask me and just went off to another room for a while, I grabbed my daughter and told her we were going home. Theres something wrong when a Mom would not be alarmed to find and not question another person sitting in her home.
In your case, if its mental illness, you are going to be battling this for the rest of your life but when you turn 18 and are an adult, you may want to be your best to get out on your own so in the meanwhile, you may want to focus your plans and ideas on that.
I can tell you that there is no magic trick trying to convince someone like your Dad and your Mom has likely given up trying to get him to do something like allow you to go if she ever did try. A person like him can be frightening for the wife and she may wonder if he will beat on her physically. Even if the abuse is just verbal, thats worse than physical because it usually doesn't get the professional help needed as there is no physical proof of his attack. Even if he d oesn't have mental illness per se, he certainly has extremely distorted thinking at the best and that often is just a step away from mental illness. My ex had both distorted thinking and mental illness.

It is very important for you to not be so sheltered out of Dads fear that something bad will happen to you or out of need to control you. You will find your social life crippled which can lead to other issues like not being allowed to leave the home for college in another state or not allowed to learn to drive, go work certain jobs, and you end up an adult with no idea how to survive as an adult and reliant on your Dad to his dying day which may be a long time in coming.

I vote for professional help to come to your family and the only way anyone is going to know this is if you talk to your school counselors. Your mom is not going to complain or even make her own wishes known with him around but she's more likely to open up in a private session with counselor. The only way any help type agency will know is if you tell them. You might even tell them the truth of how angry this makes you feel and how you've lost all respect for Dad and privately call him names in your mind as thats all you can do without suffering back lash and you are worried about verbal abuse and the back lash of being ostrasized, left out by your peers because you are not allowed to make and keep friends from school. School counselors know how that is damaging to not be allowed to socialize and its been going on for years so its not stress from something recent in his life. This is how he is ALL the time. All of this needs to be heard by a counselor if you feel it is true to you. Your dad barely listened to teachers last time. If a counselor gets professionals involved with your family, he has to listen. NOw this is just your side of the story so if any of this is way exaggerated, you may not stand any chance of outside help coming in.

I have famiy that got child protective services called in on them for physically leaving bruises on the child. Yes, they do have problems and so the agency made sure to temporarily put kid in foster home while the parents underwent psychological testing and took parenting classes to be able to get their child back. So if a child protective service needs to step in, their goal will be to get your Dad the professional help he needs so he can be allowed to continue to be in your life. The problem is that without bruises and only the physcological damage he is doing with your mind, there is nothing to be seen and so its much harder to get help. All anyone can do is 'hear' something, so it will be up to you to continue to complain and talk to anyone and everyone you meet about your issue and never give up. Most people won't have a clue what to do but counselors do. If that doesn't help, keep complaining to them, tell any adult family like aunts and uncles of what is going on. If Mom is yelled at constantly and verbally abused and won't reach out for help herself, then it is a situation for authorities to step in when a child is in that situation. They can't do anything about your Mom, an adult wishing to stay with him if he is verbally abusive. I left first husband after 30 years because it was verbal abuse and only got worse, not better over the years.
So I can tell you something about Dad is very off. If it ends up all he has is an anger problem, there has always been something that finally breaks the last straw and makes an angry person snap and do physical harm. My ex got like that in the end, pushing me hard so I fell over. Thats when I left when I should have years earlier, taking the kids with me away from all that.

For your future so you aren't stuck once you come of age, do with you can now to squirrel away money, babysitting and such. I'd go so far as asking teachers if I can do any work for them for some pay if Dad would feel you are safe helping a teacher after school for 'extra credit' or whatever excuse is used. Perhaps see if you can be allowed to become part of a church in your area whether the parents go or not. If your family goes to a church, tell the pastor/priest that you need to talk to him with out your Dad knowing so he doesn't get angry at you. A church is a good back up for a lone teen with a bad family situation. Even if not bad, there is truly help from that direction. My daughter was allowed to attend a different church than us when she was a teen because her friend went there. When she became 18, she wanted out on her own, or with friends. So she had them announce at church that she was looking for a place for free for now so she could move out. And an elderly woman from church allowed her to take up residence in her spare bedroom and that is how she started down the road to independance. I know this is more than your wanted with thinking only of the dance situation but thats only one issue and there will be many more. Your dad won't take you out for driving lessons or pay for it when the time comes so you'd have to find a way to save up for the lessons and find another adult other than parents willing to be the adult who allows you to learn with them in their car, perhaps an aunt or uncle but they'd have to keep mum on that and not leak word to your Dad if they truly understand and you have their sympathy. If things become really bad before you turn 18 and no agency has stepped in to get your family help, then having a church pastor looking out for your welfare is the next best thing. I know this is all in the future but you have to have a plan now. You will need to find any way you can to get out from under Dads roof once you turn 18 so he can no longer control you. Its much easier for him to set unfair house rules as long as you live there. Unfair would be telling you that you have a deadline time to be home. Fair would be telling you no loud music after a certain time at night or if he wishes, no boyfriends or friends over to visit. It is after all his house and his say what goes on there. That is why you must find a way to get out as soon as your an adult. The good thing is, he can't control you unless you give control over to him because you feel you lack any other choices. So if you can't hang with peers right now, thats one thing but you don't want him doing the same with you when you are say 25 or so. I get people that age writing in because parents are still controlling them by fear, lack of chance to learn to do anything that involves decisions for themselves and so they find it much more difficult to break away.

I understand and if you need a friendly listening ear along the way to vent or ask for other advice, just let me know dear.

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Hi,

I am a female preteen. I recently found porn in the search history of our family computer. I didn't watch any of it, but I saw that there were many, many searches for this. My mom and dad both use this computer, and I am allowed to use it. My older brother will be leaving for college soon, and he has his own computer, so I do not suspect he is the villain. Should I confront my parents? I live in a household where sex and the like are never mentioned, so this is especially hard. Thank you for taking the time to read my question, and sorry for the grammar mistakes, I am only twelve.

Another vote for the answer Adviceman gave.
Porn in itself is not a bad thing, it can be an enhancement for sex or something when there is lack of a sex partner or no sex life with a partner. What each person chooses for their version of a sex life is their own. This reminds me of a gal who wrote abut finding a sex toy in her moms bedroom. Just because she went snooping and found it doesn't mean Mom was doing something wrong and had to be confronted.
What you decide to do when you are old enough is up to you but If I were you, I'd do as much research on my own and get the facts Before I decide what I will do. I have seen enough porn to know that other than still shots, the porn movies are quite staged and much of it unreal for real life. The sounds and acting are just that, acting. If real sex were done the way porn movies show it, females would have raging vaginal infections every day for the rest of their life which wouldn't be very long, if following some of the sexual manuevers I have seen.

Now, If a person imagines in their mind an unknown person having sex with them, having all the looks to arouse you, then is that porn? No, people wouldn't call it porn. But the result is the same, its just another tool used to engage the mind which is our biggest sex organ. And when the mind is engaged, the physical sex can be lots more exciting/better. So do not worry about it dear.

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Okay so my question starts with two nights ago when my boyfriend did not have service and he went to some waterfall place with his friends did not tell me. Then he went to one of my childhood friends house who was having a small party and didn’t invite me or tell me. I was in the wrong also because I was helping my good friend dan to set a picnic for his friend Ryan and Ryan’s gf and didn’t tell him. My bf thinks I was sneaking around. So therefore we both suck at communication and to him it’s not fair and I suxk more. Even though last night he was at a friends house with this girl that I do not like and she put my bf all over her story and yeah I was upset. So my question is how do I approach the situation do I get mad at him for being with this girl last night and tell him I’m upset or do I just let it be and try and move on? Do I text him or wait till in person? Please help!

So you have communication problems with a boyfriend. At least so you say. Here's what came to mind for me based on all the blaming I here from both of you. Either the two of you have problems just with each other or the both of you in general just have trouble communicating, no matter who the people are.

I thought I could communicate well when I was young and to some extent I could however I did jump to conclusions too often for it to be funny anymore.

And guess what? I later discovered that the prefrontal cortex of our brains are not completely mature at the time our bodies mature. So after puberty, the body looks like an adult body but that part of the brain mentioned is still growing and immature yet until we reach our mid twenties and for some people, its later like hitting 30. So until then, our brain is not functioning at adult capacity even though we have adult bodies and do adult things like date. So my guess is that your problems may be due to your ages and your brain not having caught up yet. However the two of you can choose to read books about communication in a relationship and see if theres anything you can start to improve on now. It takes being proactive about this. Just letting it be or moving on, neither action addresses the issue at hand, a lack of communication skill or maybe it's more about how your minds are percieving things and possibly jumping to conclusions. Running from a challenge or problem will not solve it. Staying however may not change him either but it can change you if you decide that you will always learn in life from what ever challenges you meet up with. If you take actions to improve on who you are as a person, even if he doesnt' want to, eventually, you;ll see you outgrow him and want more in life rather than settling for less with a person who doesnt want to change and apply himself. YOu can't change another person but you can change yourself. So theres a good place for you to start. I am not saying you are a bad person...remember, I was once there in your spot but I chose to confront my challenges and learn and grow from them. Thats all you can do with the life you are given and avoid or cut down on being around people who do not want to or care about being a little bit better of a person than they were the day before. Its tiny baby steps but can be done.

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