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what does it mean when an ex boyfriend says, he wishes he was single so he could be with me, he told me you came on a wrong time. i cried so much even though we broke up we were still seeing each other twice a week. known for 18 months. dated even though he was still with his girlfriend as they were not happy but he broke up with me for his kids and current girlfriend. I'm not a bad person and please do not judge me but why would he say he wished he was single but he is not? we're in our mid 20's. thank you
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I understand you are not a bad person dear but there are some situations in which one is just asking for trouble on down the road and one of them is a guy who is committed to a girl already who comes along and says he is unhappy, whether true or not, and the new girl deciding to date him because he is in an unhappy relationship.
I know a little of how people think in all sorts of relationship types, as I used to do swinging and know people who are polyamorous.
Let me start with the last one. Polyamory is being in love with more than one. Some times, it is singles, and sometimes couples who are married and each has another person they are in love with. IT is not about seeing others behind each others back but your partner knowing and being okay with since trust comes into play, especially with birthcontrol and staying safe from disease using condoms, etc. Though most enjoy sex, these relationships are open with doing all the other kinds of things together that a couple will do, just on a lesser scale with any others added in, after your core and first relationship. I am mentioning this in case this guy ever tells you that he is polyamorous. Based only on what you have said, my guess is he is not poly at all. I'll bet his childrens Mom is not aware he was ever seeing you. Most women become very territorial the moment they even think that their guy is with them but playing around on the side. I understand it wasn't about playing around for you, but seeking a true relationship. However she would see it as playing around and to be honest, if you had kids with a guy and he was still living with you but you found he saw a girl on the side, your first thoughts would also be that he is playing around on the side. Maybe she did find out and thats why he cut it off.
Realistically, if he is not deeply in love with her, there is truly nothing to hold him with her, not even having kids together. HOw many relationships do you know where the couple had kids together, married or not and now are no longer together? That's why there is such a thing called 'child support'. I can't say if he decided he can't afford to support himself and a new woman if he had to pay child support each month. That might be the only reason why he broke up but wishes he could still be with you.
Now here's a potential character flaw he may have. He was not truthful with his first lady when he had a relationship with you. NO he may not have lied but with holding the truth is choosing to not be on the level with someone. And most the time, it is hurtful and harmful. If child support is the only reason he won't be with you, then he is not being forthcoming with information with you. NO, you won't feel better, but maybe you'd at least understand why he is choosing to stay away from you and it might help you bring closure to this relationship and move on. Its having SO many questions with no explanations or answers in sight that make this an issue for you.
For a relationship to work, two people need to be able to talk out everything, especially any feelings of sadness, anger, fear, feeling upset, stressed, when the storms of life come and affect you. A couple needs to pull together and work through each issue that is affecting one or both at the same time. Examples: OUr van not starting up, and having to cancel plans and have it towed is something we have to deal together on. If one is having health related symptoms that are scary and need attention, then its best for the partner to know so they can support and encourage the other to see the Dr. or if its something where they now have a disease they need to manage, you can't hide from your partner that you have diabetes when you always can't eat the cookies or other sweets they got for you.
Where there is a will, there is a way. That old saying holds true here. If he was never in love with her but is with you, there is no need to give up and say I wish I met you first, or that you came along before I met her. That's no excuse. The reason you wrote here is because even though you don't understand fully what he meant, and I even less, something about it doesn't sit right, am I correct. Females have woman's intuition. Not all of us realize what it is or how it feels. A woman can know something is off, not quite right or the entire truth but also not have all the answers either. I believe that's where you are. You know that something about this doesn't sound right.
So back to where there is a will-meaning him wanting to be with you as he claims-a person who wants something-whether a person or a thing, does not give up so easily. Did you ever stop begging for something the first time your parents said NO.
I don't think so unless you are not like millions of people. Most humans are born with the desire to go after what they want, or at least go after things that they feel are within the realm of reality to come true. Apparently he hasn't given this enough thought to see other possibilities.
So let me spin a little story here of one possibility. LEts say he does leave her, finds out what his child support will be and what he has left monthly to support himself and you with your income. He can't do it unless he earns more, works more hours or a PT job as well and perhaps even has to find a much much cheaper form of housing. Maybe he and you would hunt around for other couples and all rent a 3 or 4 bedroom house together, and share the common areas. No its not ideal, but guess what, the two of you would be together. To get what we want, we have to let go of what we are still holding onto. We can't grab anything new if we are still attached to a certain level of living that we are used to that we are not willing to give up. Maybe he has a car and car payments. If he gave up the car and took buses for a while until he could save enough to buy an older car outright, his budget could work this out. But something is holding him back hon, and unless he lied about how he feels about her, it is going to be something else. This means you are not as high a priority as you think you ever were in his life or he's do anything to be with you.
When I met the man who became my 2nd husband, he wrote to me online on a dating site because his teen daughter told him he should start dating. She was spending more time with friends and knew he was missing having someone special in his life. He chose not to try until then because he felt that with the hours he worked, way way more than a 40 hour week, that he had no time to offer a lady. Truly, he left the apt. at 6 am and didn't get home til about 8 pm. Monday thru Friday and also had to go work Sat. mornings. That didn't leave much time. However My first marriage was bad and abusive too. I only wanted to find a man who would treat me like a queen and make me his top priority. He took that job to support his daughter. He earned enough to pay all the bills, so what I earned went into savings. His schedule changed, job changed and where we lived changed and all of a sudden, we had more time together.
Currently, we both work pt, just enough to keep us going and are choosing to live out of our van because this is the way we can spend the ultimate amount of time together. We hardly need any breaks from each other, just him playing a game on his phone while i read a book is enough. We are older and getting close to retirement too and plan to live retirement this way too.
I shared this to show you that when a couple both want the same thing, they will do whatever they have to do, think outside of the box, something unconventional to make a life together happen.
Since that is not happening with him, something is seriously wrong hon. I can't say what it is but it could be many possibilities. I have only hinted at what a few of those possibilities might be. They are all bad enough that I would have a real good talk and try to get the whole truth out of the guy and if he start making the changes and decisions that bring you both together, if you want that, then I personally wouldn't waste any more time thinking about him. The feelings won't disappear for a while but if you find another guy who treats you like a queen, then all of a sudden you'll realize you no longer hurt when thinking of him and can smile at any fun memories of the time with him.
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