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Overprotective mom
Hi,I am a 9th grade female and I have a little bit of a situation. So it is nearing the end of the year and we are having a school dance and at first i was just planning to go and go alone but then this guy who i like a lot and i am very attracted too asked me and i was super excited. So we were going as friends but then after a few weeks we started talking like relationship wise and now were dating, okay here's my situation.... He has a overprotective mom that is very stuck on keeping him her baby boy, he of course told her that we were going to the dance together, but she doesn't really want him to be involved with girls because hes done stuff before that can cause her not to trust him, not with girls but problems in general. SO idk the end of the school year is coming up and i couldn't stand going through the summer without seeing him, iv'e had to do it so many times before and i am done with these non working over text summer relationships. So idk i am picking him up for the dance and of course i will have to meet his mom, i just want to show her she can trust me with her son so we can be able to hang out. IDRK this message is kind of confusing but yeah i just want his mom to trust me and i want to be able to hang out over the summer without having to be in a group
-note- there is a girl in his neighborhood that has a huge crush on him and me and him are strong but if we dont see eachother all summer i just dont want him to slip away into her arms
please help.
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You said, “He’s done stuff before that can cause her not to trust him.” Trust is a funny thing especially with kids. In general children have to ear the trust of their parents. If they have that trust and lose it for any reason earning it back is hard. You are not the one who needs to earn his mother’s trust. He has to earn his mother’s trust back which is something you maybe can help with.
You may see his mother as over protective. Since I don’t know her I can’t say for sure. Neither you nor I know what he did to lose his mother’s trust. His mother may not be overprotective as much as she may be keeping him on a short leash until he earns back her trust. There are two sides to every story; you need to know what he did to lose his mother’s trust then you need to decide if she is overprotective or justified in keeping him on a short leash.
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Lets start with the last thing you said. If it can't be you seeing him this summer and I assume you mean due to his Mom. Then how do you think his Mom will allow him to see ANY girl this summer at all?
I am a parent and my kids are now late twenties, early thirties but I remember HS days for them, very well. I can understand a parent being protective of their kids, I was too. There is such a thing as being strict but a parent willing to change their decision once more information that was lacking before, comes to their knowledge. I was taught this in a parenting class. The child would need to come to the parents with new info or a slightly different plan that they might accept and this is called asking if they may appeal. Its like in court where the term is used.
He would need to work for his independance and regain trust if he wants any kind of life while he is still a teen under parents care and their judgement calls until he turns 18 and is considered an adult. So he would need to know what there is that he can do that they will trust. It is okay to not accept non answers from Parents too tired to care at the moment or engage their mind and really concentrate. Sometimes, a parent has no real plan and just says the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I have done the same but taught my kids how to appeal and more often than not, once they gave me another option or more info, I changed my decision. Of course this will only work on parents who do not suffer anxieties or distorted thinking or some kind of mental illness. My ex was like that and there was no way of coming to any agreement or winning any debate or argument, he was always right in his mind and so it is with some parents.
Heres something I did with my girls when they were in HS. I asked them to look at the other girls who dated, how they were in and out of relationships all the time and how it affected their grades when they were too upset to concentrate on school work. My girls, all three did indeed see that and reported back to me what was going on in school and they didnt want it to affect their grades. I explained how at their age, it was more important to enjoy males as close friends just like girlfriends, rather than try the dating gf/bf thing which is destined to fail several times at that age due to not having prior experiences. Its a learn as you go situation and doesnt mix well with school. So if they were crushing on a guy or he wanted to date them, I said they could tell him I prefered they keep it at friendship level. Of course being best friends and being the most compatible lovers are the two things every successful adult relationship has. So I also know and told them that they just might go from being best friends to after a while wanting more and that was okay as long as they talked to me before moving ahead as I would take them for birthcontrol if they felt they were at a point they could no longer resist. And lastly, I had to meet the boy and he had to be willing to come over to our home to hang out with her as long as we were home, otherwise, no way. Her bedroom door had to remain open too. But the daughters knew they could do this much and were okay with it. However out of 3 girls, not a single guy was willing to take us up on it. I do know of another gal whose bf came to her home alot and was friendly and talkative with her parents, kind of like another kid of theirs, like it was for some of my daughters girlfriends. Parents can get to feeling close with friends of their child, be they female or male. And after a few years of feeling that comfortable with the boy, the parents let them go out dating because they knew they could trust him.
I can't say what this Mothers mind is like but it is possible that she may feel better about it all if you avoided the use of the terms girlfriend or him being the boyfriend as those terms make parents jump to conclusions and get nervous. It would be even better if both sets of parents could meet at some point, sooner than later. I don't know if you are allowed to invite girlfriends over when the family is having a barbecue or going on an outing. If his Mom knew parents would be around and that she could call your Mom at first to see if all is well, then she may no longer worry. If it was the other way around and about you going to his parents, then the same thing in reverse. Your Mom should feel comfortable about the type of parent this woman is and whether you would truly be safe and supervised while there. I always went to meet the parents as soon as my kids mentioned a new friend wanting them to come over after school. In fact, I would walk with my kid and the friend to their home to meet a parent or arrange to come over in the evening if no one was home til after work. I met some great parents but the majority could care less where their kid went or who I was and why I was there to meet them and I also came across a couple of homes where one parent was a drug addict with druggie friends passed out in sleeping bags all over the floor or drunk or something like that. Then my kids knew they could never go there but those kids were welcome at our home. I don't think what you asked is confusing at all. At least I hope I got the jist of it all from what you wrote and have answered with some helpful thoughts. As embarrassing as it may seem to have parents involved when you are at the age you are, it is a big step for the parents peace of mind, especially his mom if he's gotten into trouble and broke rules and broke trust with them. It takes longer to regain trust because parents are older and have already learned from others doing it to them or they doing it themselves once upon a time, and what they've learned is that sometimes people will pretend to go by the rules only long enough to regain trust and then break the rules again. That actually happens often enough that I can still see adults doing this. My husband calls this, giving a person another chance and enough slack to hang themself with. What he means is that if a person has not learned to regret what they did and want to do better and at least be making an effort, then he has no problem with them. But in recent years, a couple of much older adults have done that exact same thing, pretended they were sorry and going to never do what they did to us ever again. As soon as they broke trust with us, then we cut off associating with them for good. You wouldn't believe how many times these people called in anger cussing us out in phone messages because we wouldn't answer or talk or even see them. So it's a good thing to learn now to learn from mistakes and to be patient while truly planning to regain trust and keep it.
If there's anything else, you can write to me from my column as I can't answer any questions posted where you rate or comment on my answer.
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