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my ex boyfriend wishing he ws single but he;s not
Hello Dragonflymagic,
I'm sorry for writing you again. i'm the one who wrote you about ex boyfriend wishing that he was single to be with me two days ago i guess.
i'm grateful for your answer but i just wish to ask you a little more therefore im writing agian about the same topic.
he's a good boy and hard worker ever, truthful and funny, great in bed and sincere and a very family man. he's divorced and has a boy with his ex wife and this is his second relationship and he has a kid with her too but they'e not married but a girlfriend. theyr're together for almost 4 years now and he's says he happy with her she's never done anything bad to him and he don;t want to abandon all this family and his own family becasue she's a nice girlfriend but i'd say 4 years is just a period of time, sometimes no matter how long you think you know the person but there's still more to learn and know the person in everyone.
me and him only known for 18 months a good friend we became first and started to date but only for 5 months until he broke up with me because this all is wrong as he's got a family a kids to raise and a girlfriend who loves him, thats what he said, he don't want to abandon his family for me and he said, you came on a wrong time, you want something serious and i can;t give you that, im sorry you're such a beautiful and good hearted girl but i think we both have to be realistic here, i did fall in love with you and YES I DO LOVE YOU BUT I CAN;T BE WITH YOU and im sorry for all this situation baby i feel extremely sad and bad, he also said I WISHED I WAS SINGLE BUT I'M NOT, THERE'RE LOTS OF GUYS WHO WILL KILL FOR YOU, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY BABY, those were the exact words he used Dragonflymagic because we still see each other 2 twice a week sometime 3 times a week, and he asked me the other day, how long are we doing this because we have to be realistic and don't want his girlfriend to find out about us, he says what happens to his family and friends if theu find out, he won;t be able to live, i told him even he broke up with me months ago we're still seeing each other and i still love him and i'm still in love with him and he told me, he can't commit to me, but i just think and i told him, you and your girlfriend will split up one day just give it a time and it's just a mattter of time, you're not going to end up together, thats what i told him and he replid, NO, never, if anything happens like youve said then i'll come knocking on your door if youre still single then we'll go out if not then i'll walk away.
Now, dragonflymagic, the thnig i dont understand is he's such a devoted father and good boyfriend. when we're togther he just made me feel like a proper princes compared to my two ex boyfreind, he's everything i want in a guy and including in the bedroom. he knows how to please and satisfy me and we loved each other but when he told me when they're on a holiday with his parents he had time to think his eyes were opened so he can't go on with me so he must finish with me. i still love him and i cried like a hell when he first broke up with me and this is the second time he broke up with me again, i think he was just reassuring me that we can't be togther, i've been crying like a hell, im sorry dragonflymagic, i just feel blue...he was not happy with her when he dated me but like any other couple they seemed to make up and he don;t want to hurt her.
I asked him is this just for sex we're still seeing each other and he replied, NO, i love your company and i love seeing you, i love the sex, and i do love you but i can;t commit you but when i'm single i will come to you!! you;re a good girl and deserve much better than me, he replied.
i told him you;re not happy with her underneath, he yes, im very happy but i dont believe him i thnk he's only with her because while he works she looks after the kid and cooks and washes but i can do that too..im just very sad. i also asked him if he wanted me to leave the place as im a distraction to him and said up to you, your choice.
So, can i hear your suggestions please Dragonflymagic? we're both not a bad people, are we? what is he saying here? what does he mean by coming knocking on my door, saying he loves my company etc..i know that he does still loves me truly romantically, he also said if he was single he would take me to moon!! when he says bye he always gives me a kiss on my lips and says i love you
I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY, Dragonfymagic!
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Wow, now I find out there is an ex wife as well with another child? Hon, I can understand people not being happy with the person they married when they were young and as they mature, realizing the person they are with is wrong and divorcing. Heck I did the same. But the key is to learn from our first mistake. Why was the person wrong for us, what is it we really need in a partner and then go find the right one the second time.
Your guy hasn't learned that yet.
All successful, happy healthy relationships are built on a solid foundation. In the bible is a story of a mans house built on shifting sand and he lost his house. For a relationship the foundation is important as well and is made up of two parts. ONe being each others best friend and the other, being compatible sexually. Most relationships and marriages have people who have only one of those, where they are each others best friend or the best lover. That would be the only reason for him to go looking to see another woman while committed to his girlfriend. I can't say which he feels he is missing in his relationship and the only problem is he says he comes to you for both things. So again, something doesn't add up. He is either is need of a female best friend or a female lover only because he already has one of those two with his girlfriend. Before I met my 2nd husband, I met guys from on line dating. One guy in our first and only meet up saw how open and honest I was about myself and a good person and felt guilty and spilled his secrets: He had a wife. Says they no longer have sex and so thats why he is looking for sex outside the relationship. I was looking for a whole relationship, not just sex. So I asked him, if thats what you want, you need to have a talk with the wife and tell her you would like to stay married to her but need sex and are asking her permission to take a lover on the side. I told him unless I had her permission from meeting her and her saying so, that I would not get involved with anyone who wants to do so in secret behind their partners back. He looked horrified at my suggestion. "I couldn't possibly do that to her. I love her. She's my best friend. I plan to stay with her to the end of our lives. Its just that we don't have sex." I explained that it went against my personal policies, and morals and I wouldn't do so. He pleaded with me a bit and realized I was not going to just have a fling and throw all cares to the wind. And this dating is when I was nearing 50 so this man had to be mid 50's and considering living a false life with his wife, having her thinking she's the only one and that he was okay with no sex. So I have seen it first hand dear, that there are people who can be married to their best friend, really love the person deeply, even if there is no sex and can't imagine a life without them. These people know if they asked a woman who was only best friend if it would be okay to take on a lover that she would be upset enough to possibly want a divorce and that was what the guy in my experience was afraid of.
Either that, or your guy could be a player. Or he may think he knows what real love is, the kind of love required for a successful relationship. You know you can't compare the word love in I love cheesecake to I love my boyfriend. Same word but no matter how much I love cheesecake, I could not ever choose cheesecake over my husband and let him go. I'd let the cheesecake go. Its a thing. HE is a person. So maybe he loves you but just for a few aspects about you and thinks it is love. He certainly doesn't sound like he is material for polyamourous relationships with more than his core relationship. Guys who can't handle polyamoray but want to experience relationships with as many women as they can will just do a series of short term monogamous relationships. So this would be like dating one person only for a couple years, breaking up, meeting another and staying only 8 months before leaving for another for a year, and later another for how ever much time. IT just continues. It could be he's one of those guys who claim to be so in love with women that he wants to experience and have as many as he can but only thru being dishonest with all of them.
NOW here's something to think about. If he can see you and not tell his current girlfriend, whats to stop him from not telling you when he decides to expand his secret harem and add on another girl after you? Oh, but that would never happen to you right? Why? What makes you exempt from it happening to you? It's not about you being special enough so he doesnt cheat on you with a couple new girls after you, claiming to love them for everything not just sex. Right now he see's you twice a week. That is prolonging the whole affair for you, making it impossible to get over him and move on. Let's imagine a couple years into the future. He has added in another girl or two. He wants to see each one weekly. But can't be away from his baby mom too long so he is stretched out to seeing 3 other women each once a week, and that means you now see him only once a week. YOu were okay with twice a week only for as long as you could get it, so he knows you probably wouldn't have a big adjustment going down to seeing him once a week. You are like a ship without a rudder or sails dear. You are going no where fast. I am not picking on you as I had to learn all this stuff and didn't know it when I was younger and thats why I ended up with an abusive man. Okay so you are verbally or physically abused but he is still messing with you if he made to move to go after you in the first place knowing he was in no such position to start a relationship when he was already in one. I can see him making a mistake first time, divorcing and starting again. But he is not married to the second one and there is no need for a divorce. You could be one of many in a long line of women to come. If that is what you want out of life, then you have no business getting all concerned and worried about what he means and what he is doing, just enjoy him while you can while he has time for you.
I know this is starting to sound harsh and its meant to be to wake you up girl. Women get emotionally attached to men way too easily, often when the man isn't deserving of their love and devotion and so it is hard for them to leave a bad sample of a man while still having feelings. It will hurt, like losing a loved one to death. But everyone who loses a partner to death has a life afterwards. Only the few who never complete a proper grieving get stuck and that is a small minority. Some who lose a partner to death will go on and find a new partner and commit and possibly marry even though they felt love for the one they lost or had to leave. Okay, I know you don't want to do that. So you will have to learn the hard way dear but thats how I learned, the hard way. And therefore, I didn't find the right guy until I was almost 51. If you don't want to listen to my advice and avoid having to wait until middle age or later to mature enough and learn when to give up and move on, then thats your choice. But as I said, if not trusting me, then how about a man whose youtube videos made for women to help them understand dating and love from a males view. He helps you to understand the working of a man when it comes to being in love or not. I copied all his words down in a document and will share that with you now. This should reveal if he really loves you. If I am right, he already fails at number 3 and number 6.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
It also may be that all the qualities that you see in him that you like are not meaning that you should be in relationship with him. Women should be making a paper list or mental list of all the qualities they come across in males, of any age, any relation to you or even strangers you observe. YOu start when you go through puberty and watch males closely, keeping notes of all the qualities you like in them. Then with that list of qualities, you compare each man you meet to that list and if he doesn't match up, he's out of luck. That is how I went about finding my soul mate and 2nd and last husband I'll ever need. The list wasn't even my idea. After leaving my ex, God begain to talk to me and my angels kept reminding me to make this list and I put it off, forgot and didn't realize the significance but eventually from having that darn concept come popping into my mind at random times daily, I finally decided to do it. NOw I wouldn't take the list so lightly ever again. It really works in helping you focus on your goal. Maybe you don't even have a goal of what you are looking for, I would think a husband and father to your children. If you still feel confused and unsure of what you should be doing and think you want to try making the list of what to look for to find your Mr Right or confirm he is it, then ask for 'how to find Mr Right' and I will post it in answer to your request. Mind you that even if you decide that he's the only one for you that he has to feel the same right now, not ten years in the future. Otherwise, there is no future with him. Two visits a week is not much to brag about in a relationship where he already has someone else and kids with two w omen.
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