I have studied psychology though I am not a psychologist or a licensed counselor of any sort. I'm an artist and writer and teach both to small private groups. I have worked with counselors by using art and writing projects at workshops to encourage people to open up, and I have been recommended by therapists to their clients to take my classes to help them understand more about themselves and what all is going on in their lives through art and writing. Though I'm not an art therapist, I use many tools from art therapy and my own experiences gleaned from counseling. I have always had the desire to help people and I do it in any way possible. Hopefully I can be of some help to many of you!
E-mail: susana182006-extra@yahoo.com
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia
Occupation: artist & writer/teacher of both
Age: 52
Member Since: November 27, 2005
Answers: 116
Last Update: February 25, 2006
Visitors: 15864
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I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 yrs. We moved in together about 4 months ago. And I asked him before I agreed to move in with him if he thought he loved me enough to ever marry. He said yes. But since we have moved in together I am scared he will never ask me. How do I know if he ever will or not? (link)
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I want to answer your question by first telling you a little story of my own. My now EX-husband told me that he wanted to marry me and I was the love of his life. We moved in together and stayed UNmarried for THREE years! That was not MY choice, but there was nothing I could do to make it any different than it was. I believe that he would have been very happy if we had just remained the way we were. In retrospect, I should have gotten out when he first brushed off the idea of marriage AFTER we were living together. But I was pretty young (not all that young, though - 24) and definitely naive. He was the first man I had ever lived with and I had thought that I'd never do that. Ah, but things change. Anyhow, there were many indicators while we were living together that a marriage wouldn't work. I did not follow my gut, but instead was determined to get married since I'd made the decision to live with him. Oh me or my. How ignorant was I?
Now in your case, you guys have only been living together for 4 months. I will not presume to think that your guy is or will be like my former husband. In fact, I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea for couples to live together before marrying. So, on that note, I'd be patient, but set a time limit for yourself as to how long you're willing to wait. And if you are waiting a good while and he seems to be happy just the way you are, then be very observant to his intentions. Decide when you will confront him on those intentions if the two of you are not having an open communication right now about what your future holds. That, my friend, is the key - communication. My former husband did not want to communicate anything other than, "Not now, let's wait." He drove me crazy with not wanting to discuss our situation and make definite plans with me. OK, so I was an idiot, but I sure learned from that experience.
I wouldn't obsess on whether or not he's going to ask you to marry him at this point. You guys have not lived together long enough...it is my feeling...for you to drive yourself nuts worrying. However, I would begin trying to discuss this whole thing with him and let him know your feelings. Again, give your relationship a chance, open a dialogue with him, and make a time limit for yourself. I don't mean give the guy an ultimatum. Oh man, those don't ever seem to work. They too often backfire. Just know what you will need to do for yourself if you guys don't come to some agreement in the near future.
I wish you luck. Try to relax and remember that communication is a key to a good marriage. If he's not willing to communicate openly now, how will he be once you guys are married? I sure should have asked myself that question...
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I am a married man who a few months ago was asked to go to lunch by a female coworker. She's 23 and I am 36 and she has a boyfriend and if it means anything we are both considered very attractive. I initially didn't take her up on her offer, but then agreed after she asked me a few other times. We went to lunch and we talked about work and stuff and she paid. Well this is now a regular occurrence and she now brings up things besides work, like sex with her boyfriend and when and how they do it. She also just recently asked me to go play tennis with her after work. Needless to say, I think we're becoming close friends. I'm just not sure what her intentions are if any. What's even more confusing is that a bunch of us went out to the bar the other night and she didn't even talk to me, spending most of her time talking to another male coworker. I would think that if we were friends she's act normal around me and talk to me in an outside work setting. But it's almost like she was afraid something may happen. I guess my question to you is am I just a victim of different generations? Is it normal for a twenty something female to hang out with a coworker, talk about sex, ask him to do extracurricular activities, and not want to be with him on a more intimate level? I'm thinking I should nip this in the bud before we do something we both will regret. (link)
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OK, yes, nip this in the bud before you guys do something you'll both regret! You are not a "victim" of different generations. You are not a victim here at all. You are clearly a participant in what is going on - age difference or not. Sure it's normal for a co-worker - female or male - to have lunch with another co-worker from time to time. However, this situation does not sound normal, or rather, it sounds like this woman definitely has an agenda planned for the two of you. Talking about sex with her boyfriend is entirely inappropriate and seems to me to be a ploy to get you arroused. I'm thinking her plan has worked from what you've written. Sigh. Step away from this woman NOW!
It struck me in the face that when the two of you recently went to a bar with other co-workers and she completely ignored you that she was obviously feeling guilty about the relationship she is trying to start with you - a relationship, I might add, that you are not discouraging - or she was assuming that others would see your attraction to one another. OK, guy, this was a good indicator of what she's thinking and how you're feeling. It pretty much sounds as though you were not only confused, but perhaps a little jealous. If indeed she was trying to "just" be your friend, then there would have been no reason for her to ignore you. Watch out for this one.
As much as you may be attracted to this woman, keep in mind that this will probably not be the only time in your married life that you'll be attracted to someone. That is only human nature. But the key to keeping yourself on the straight and narrow is to never act on those feelings of attraction. I'm sure your wife has been or will be attracted to other men from time to time. But would she act on those feelings of attraction? Probably not. Hopefully not. Why would you risk doing anything with another woman when you have a woman who you obviously chose to be your life partner? I believe that people who have extra-marital affairs only receive brief sexual pleasure (even if it starts out "raw" and exciting) usually with no love involved and the ego-stroking of another person (a younger one in this situation). Is it worth the troubled mind you will definitely have? Would it be worth the trouble it will definitely cause?
On top of the fact that this would be an ill-advised affair (any affair would be), you're running the risk of encountering an accusation of sexual harassment should you decide to end the affair. You also risk someone acting out in bizarre behavior. Did you see the movie Fatal Attraction?! Good God, man, there are so many problems that could crop up from this union. She may indeed be the assertive one and came on to you first, but you are definitely making it easy for her to continue this outrageous and brazen attempt at pulling you into her web. SHE may be the temptress, but you are being so very available to being tempted. You sound as though you already are tempted, big time! Uh-oh. Problems on the horizon - unless you make the decision that you want to get out of this situation. Do it now before it gets any further than it already has. You haven't messed up too badly yet, so don't lose your self-respect anymore than you might have. Please let this go and good luck.
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There's this girl at school that tries to stick to me like glue. We both get to school very early in the morning, and she comes every day to chat. I don't dislike her, but she's rather aggravating and I can tell she has a monster crush on me. Sometimes I can catch her staring at me in he hallway. What should I do about her? She's nice and all, but she doesn't realize how goddamn annoying she is. What would you advise? (link)
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You sound like a nice guy and I know you don't want to hurt this girl's feelings, but obviously you still need to know how to deal with her. Have you tried taking a book to school or doing any work (homework, for example) when you get to school early? This way, you could tell her that you're not able to chat that morning because you need to get your work done. Or, you could tell her you're very engrossed in your book and that you really want to continue reading it because you just can't put it down. You don't have to do this every day if you don't mind talking to her sometimes. It sounds as though you think she's an okay person, just that with her being by your side EVERY single day, she's become a nuisance. My friends and I always take a book to a restaurant when we are dining alone. For one thing it gives us something to do, but for another thing, it usually thwarts the advances of annoying people who want to chat if they think we're available and willing to listen/talk.
I know you think she has a major crush on you, and she probably does. However, has the subject of her liking you actually come up? I ask this because sometimes it's hard to tell a person you're not interested in them as far as having a relationship when the subject has never come up. You need to tread carefully in a situation such as this. If you have a girlfriend, maybe you could bring her up in your conversations. Just do it with sensitivity and don't go overboard. You could also ask this girl if she has a boyfriend and when she tells you "no," which she probably will, then maybe you can suggest guys you might think would be interested in her, or you could ask her why she's "single" at the moment, etc. This could actually work towards your advantage as she may reveal to you that she's interested in you. That's when you can tell her that you think she's a great friend and you've enjoyed talking to her in the mornings, but that you're not interested in a boyfriend/girlfriend realtionship with her. Yes, this may hurt her, but you can soften the blow by how you tell her. I imagine that you're a kind enough guy to know how to let her down easily. She'll get over her crush eventually, especially if you continue being nice to her; but keep a modicum of distance.
This is a good (yet difficult) lesson in life as you will discover that there will probably be plenty of times in your life when someone (male or female) inserts him- or herself into your life when you're not interested. Always try to handle these situations with sincerity, and kindness, but with aplomb (self-confidence) so that you are making your point very clearly and not sending mixed signals, or speaking with ambivalence which could easily be misread. And don't ever feel like you owe people detailed explanations, or any explanation at all. That can sometimes muddy the waters. It invites people to continue to talk about the situation and to try to convince you out of your conviction. Keep your comments short and precise, though conscientious; but again, you don't owe anyone an explanation for your feelings.
Good luck. I'm sure you can do this maturely and with grace. You just sound like that kind of guy.
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for one and a half years. He still has his exgirlfriend's engagement ring in his drawer. When I ask him what he is going to do with it he just tells me he don't know. He says, "what should I do with it?" I am sick of looking at it. She has caused so many problems for us. I just want the ring to be gone. He says he doesn't want to just give it away because it cost too much money. At this point I am ready to throw the piece of metal in the dump. What would you suggest to do with it. (link)
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I wouldn't like having this ring around either. However, I understand why your boyfriend has been at a loss about knowing what to do with it. Since he's asked you what you think he should do with it, take advantage of that and give him a few suggestions and offer to help him with the following options if you're willing:
1) He can get it appraised at several jewelers and see if any one of them would buy it from him. But beware, I tried selling my engagement ring (unique and with several different stones along with the diamonds) after I was divorced and no "new jewelry" jeweler wanted to take it because it was used. This does not mean your boyfriend won't find a jeweler who will take it, but he might want to know that could happen so he shouldn't give up.
2) There are high-end consignment shops that will take very nice jewelry and other high-end things to sell and the seller (your boyfriend) would receive a consignment percentage upon sale of the ring. We have a very unique shop that advertises as a Fine Arts shop and the things in this shop are "previously owned," exquisite and pricey. (Look under Consignment Shops or Art Galleries in the yellow pages. If you can't find what you're looking for, ask around in the galleries for something like this.)
3) He could have the gems removed from the ring and the metal melted down. One or two new pieces of jewelry can then be made from the metal and gems. I don't know if you'd like to have the new piece(s) of jewelry or not, but if you'd consider it, you might not want it as YOUR engagement ring. You may find that you'd love the results and would forget what it was to begin with. Or, you could always view it as a change of life piece of jewelry, imagining that it is a symbol of a relationship melted and destroyed with the idea that a new, better and beautiful foundation is being built for another relationship - yours. I would suggest that if you choose to go this route, that you have a significant part in the design of whatever piece(s) of jewelry that is to come from these pieces. Perhaps you'll want to add some gems of your own choosing. The other thing is that if you don't want anything that has been made from these pieces, your boyfriend might be able to sell the melted metal and the separate gems easier than trying to sell the ring.
4) An ad in the paper might work. Just be careful about the people who call and sound interested. You don't want some kook showing up who has other things in mind when he/she thinks about expensive jewelry being sold, if you know what I mean.
Anyhow, good luck. If you guys work on this together I would think that it would make you feel a lot better. You then would have some control over what happens to this thing that is hanging over your head.
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Hey susana i saw the advice you gave to the gril about the boy and going on vacation to can cun. well i thought it was realyl good and i was wondering if you could help me. well my boyfriend recently broke up with me on my birthday and it really hurts. before we went out we were best friends i would talk to him all the time on the phone and i would somtimes go over his house. and we really liked each other so we gave it a chance. It was the 3rd time we gave it a shoot though. well i liked him so much i even let him be my first kiss. and he dumped me after that.every time i try to talk to him about it he always trys to change the subject or avoid the questions. like ill give him a long letter and he would like not answer a question or explain anyhting. and we always end up into a fight like we are right now. I still love him soooo much and i want him back so bad. how doi get over this. people are always telling me " omg get over him hes not worth it" but how can i get over some one i loved so much with all my heart and he did mean alot to me. please help me what should i do cause ir eally want him to know how i feel but i also want all my questions answered. please help me
- thanks, ashley (link)
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Do you mind if I ask you how old you are? Of course, my answer would probably be the same thing, or about the same thing no matter what age you are. Still, it might help to know your age.
First off, I'm really sorry that your "best friend" friendship has now changed so much and that this guy broke up with you on your birthday. That happened to me on my SIXTEENTH b'day and I was oh so not thrilled!! It somehow hurt even more. And I'm sure that's what happened to you, too.
I believe that girls/women tend to want to know exactly what has gone on in a relationship down to every tiny detail. Sure, there are guys out there who are the same way, but I believe we women are more into wanting to know answers because we usually talk things out and dissect problems differently than most guys. The hard part is learning to let go when you're not able to get the answers you're looking for. And I do mean that is the HARD part. We feel confused and frustrated and we at least want to know WHY something happened, if for no other reason than to know how to handle a similar situation in the future. But usually it is so hard to deal with rejection (for anyone) that we keep looking for why the other person has rejected us. We feel abandoned and we want to know, "Hey, what happened? And why can't we work this out?" With you guys, having first been best friends, you're not just mourning the loss of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, you're grieving the loss of a best friend. I suspect that plays more into it than anything else, even if you're not aware of it.
I think that sometimes people can not explain their behavior because 1) they're confused about their own feelings, 2) they would rather not look at a problem because it's easier...to them...to just ignore it, 3) they have no earthly idea how to express themselves and they don't even want to try, and 4) many people feel that a discussion will turn into a confrontation and they won't know how to handle that, or, they don't want anything to do with something that just won't be pleasant. OK, so you might ask then, why do couples (or even good friends) fight and argue if one or the other doesn't want a confrontation. Well, it's easier to fight about the little things, the insignificant things, than to deal with the real problems at hand. And this has nothing to do with age. It does, however, have to do with maturity. (A grown person can be very immature just as a young person can be very mature.)
You've already written this guy a long letter asking questions that he's refused to answer. Who knows EXACTLY why he won't answer them, but you can't force a person to do what they'd rather not do. This guy has made a CHOICE - one that is not pleasing to you. His choice is to ignore this whole situation and to move on in his life. Now you need to make a choice that will be healthy for you. You may feel as though you don't want to choose to let this guy go. I can understand that. But, it sure doesn't sound like you're getting anywhere with him and instead you're choosing to be "stuck." Stuck on wanting/needing to know answers that you'll probably never get, for whatever reason. Stuck on a guy (in love with) who is not acting like he respects you and your feelings very much, or at all. Stuck in the past (though it is the recent past) when you thought all would work out well. OK, so it hasn't. Yes, that hurts. And it hurts a lot, no matter how old you are. But again, you can choose to be miserable or you can choose to realize that this guy isn't who you thought he was and that you really need to distance yourself from him and move on. You deserve someone who will respect you and work WITH you on making a relationship work. But too often, young people get so wrapped up in relationships that they lose sight of the fact that there is so much more out there to experience. Your hurt will go away. You will find another boyfriend. You will be happier to be with friends (and boyfriends) with whom you're not fighting all the time or having to try to figure out.
Your letter that was full of questions for him could easily have overwhelmed him, especially if he's the type of boyfriend who can't express his intimate feelings very well - good or bad. If you're wondering why he might have been able to express his feelings about things so well when you were just friends, it's because you probably felt "safe" to him and he was not having to play any kind of role, such as a boyfriend. He could just be natural with his best buddy. Moving into a relationship outside the realms of a friendship changed everything and you may not be able to get any of that back. Yes, that's too bad. Some people can go back to being friends after a break-up, but more often than not, it is just too difficult because there is what is called baggage - the stuff that made the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend fall apart.
I suspect that you professed your love for him in the letter that you gave him. Am I right? Even if you didn't come out and say it, my guess is that he knows exactly how you feel and can't or won't deal with that. Respect yourself and don't try to think of others ways you can tell him what he already knows.
If you truly have this itching desire to write anything to him, then I would keep it short, not ask ANY questions, but just tell him that you're sorry that your long-lasting friendship had to come to an end just because you guys weren't right for each other as a couple. Tell him you respect his decision to not talk about the break-up and that you've decided to move on and not ask any more questions. Thank him for the time that you two were best friends. But don't go on and on, and really, really keep this short and without much emotion. You've already shown a great deal of emotion by way of your last letter. Do not have high expectations because of a note like this. He could just as easily ignore it as he did your other one. But, at least YOU will be the mature one here in that you're simply telling him that it's too bad and sad that your friendship has been ruined. Although, again, keep in mind, that usually happens - a friendship being ruined due to romantic involvement. Yep, that's sad, but it just happens that way.
It sounds to me like the two of you need some major distance right now. Perhaps some day you'll be able to be friends again, but it may take a while for either of you to trust that situation. I know you love this guy and want him back or at least to have some answers and closure. But I don't think you're going to get either. Unfortunately, that is going to happen a lot as you grow up. About relationships, about the state of the world, about many things. It's frustrating, but it's life.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting as much as you are. But you really don't need to be so desperate. You're driving yourself nuts and this is not something that is going to go anywhere from what I can tell. Please think about what your friends are telling you. You need to move on, even if you can't get over him right now, and remember that he probably really is NOT worth all this grief. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. Let him go. Open the door for someone else to walk through. You never know who might be out there for you until you learn to let go of that which is holding you back. This guy is holding you back. You WILL get over him, no matter how you feel now. Good luck. I know you'll get past this and will be happier for it...eventually Believe me. Just be patient, sweetie.
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okay i know this might sound like a stupid question, but im not quite sure what it means what does it mean when a guy says he wants to fuck you really badly? is it fingering you or to have sex?
thank you! (link)
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I'd like to add something to what I've already written (below). The response you got from keevy333 was right. "Fucking" is not limited to heterosexuals which means then that it is not always heterosexual sex, i.e., penis in vagina. Contrary to what many believe, oral sex is definitely a form of sex. Gay men and women "fuck" also and in various ways. However, I figured you were a girl and responded to your question thinking about your particular case...and did not go into details about the other aspects of "fucking." And by the way, I keep putting that word in quotes because I really, really don't like this word used for the act of sex. No matter who is doing it, the word leading up to it - in this case "fuck" - is crude and rude as I say below.
This isn't a stupid question, but I'm curious as to how old you are. The reason is that a guy saying that to you is just not particularly appropriate...ESPECIALLY if you're young!! I think guys too often think it's really cool to say that word and that girls/women WANT to hear it. Uh, no. Sorry fellas, but MOST girls do not want to be talked to in that manner.
OK, to answer your question, "fuck" means to have intercourse. And it is usually a word used when the person saying it does not have any intention of putting any sort of love or commitment towards the act. It means pure sex in the crudest sense of the word.
I know you didn't ask, but please think long and hard about whether or not YOU want to have sex with this guy and whether or not you're feeling pressured. But also, do you want to have sex with a guy who's telling you that he wants to "fuck" you rather than saving that special (and fun) act/time for someone you really like/love and who will respect you by using words that aren't so crude?!
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Hey i am 17 and i have this boyfriend whom i care alot about. he is 19 and last thursday we went through a little problem. his friends tell him he needs to date older women because they are more experience and that they dont make no bull crap. anyways he told me that they make sense but he really cares for me to much and he dont want that to happen. he is going to cancun in 2 weeks and i asked him if we were going to break up when he goes. and he asked me why i asked that. but then thursday he said all thatand he is the kind of person who does not take bull crap and he tells it like it is. but i really care for him alot and dont want us to break up for no reason. well then last night we were on the phone and we were talking about why i asked if ihe wanted to be with me. because saturday i was feeling like he did not want to be with me, and i asked him and then we finally talked. i know i may confuse you but i am confusing myself but what i want to know is how can i get him to talk really serious to me?
Thanks (link)
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OK, tread lightly here. This guy already sounds like he talks seriously with you. I mean, he told you about the "advice" his so-called friends gave him and then told you that he really didn't want to do what they were suggesting because of how he feels about you. Secondly, it seems that he has now asked you twice to tell him why you're asking him questions such as will you two break up before he goes to Cancun and whether or not he really wants to be with you. Be careful because your questions are really sounding like you're completely insecure, that you don't trust him and his feelings, and that you're not listening to what he's telling you. Maybe you are insecure, and that's pretty normal, unfortunately. But, if this guy is talking to you like he is, and interested in why you're asking these questions, then you could easily push him away by continuing to ask these sorts of questions. Take a big breath and appreciate how he is trying to relate to you and believe the guy when he answers your questions. Do you really have any reason to question his intentions with you other than the knowledge that his "friends" think he should date older women? Did he seriously act like he didn't want to be with you on Saturday or maybe, just maybe, did you misread his behavior because you're feeling so insecure right now? And then there's the thought that maybe the guy wasn't in the greatest mood on Saturday for reasons that have nothing to do with you. You might want to rephrase your questions and when you're feeling strange about his behavior, instead of asking him if he wants to be with you, ask him if he's okay and and if not, then is there anything you can do. If he says he's okay or that he's not okay but there isn't anything you can do, believe him and try to let it go. Don't give him the "bull crap" his friends are trying to tell him he won't get from older women. (Actually, that comment is bull crap in and of itself. Women of all ages [and men] can give "bull crap," but yes, more mature women aren't usually so desperate to keep on the guy about stuff he's already answered.)
I understand your concerns (insecurities) about his going to Cancun. Especially after his friends told him he should seek out older women. However, the guy is only going to be gone two weeks and it's not like he's apt to hook up with someone there and then just drop you. I'm sure he has more invested in this relationship than you're giving him credit. If he were to drop you after his trip for whatever reason, then you need to try to look at it as something that hurts, yes, but that would have happened at some point or another because he wasn't as committed to your relationship as you'd thought or hoped. It would be better to be rid of him in that case. But I suspect that your guy is NOT going to drop kick you from his life just because 1) he's going on vacation, and 2) his friends are telling him what they think he should do. If he's any kind of secure guy with a mind of his own (!), he's going to do what he wants and it sure sounds like he wants to be with you. Now don't ruin that by going on and on re: whether or not he still likes you, wants to be with you, plans on breaking up with you, etc. Please don't push him into doing something he might not have originally planned on doing...or wanted to do in the first place! So now what you need to do is just LISTEN to this guy and HEAR that he does seem to be taking YOU seriously and that he seems to be talking to you maturely and in all seriousness. Breathe...
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My mother has been unemployed since... 2000 I'll guess. She has been trying to start a real estate company. Every night I hear her crying and when I ask her what's wrong, she says that she's not a good mother and she's sorry she can't provide for this family. Some guy ripped her off illegally and lawyers keep ignoring her about it, so she doesn't think she's going to get the money back, and it was a lot of money. She says we probably won't have enough money to live on. She's my mom and I love her and I need a way to help her. I can't get a job because I'm too young. My father is a lawyer but they have had a rocky relationship ever since the divorce and I highly doubt he will help her for free. We have nowhere to turn. (link)
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The advice you received from "lulabelle" and "sizzlinmandolin" is filled with very wise things to do and think about. I don't exactly want to repeat everything they both have very kindly suggested, however I may repeat a little of what they said only to emphasize the need to do these things.
First of all, I would be very aware that your mom is most probably suffering from depression right now and that she needs help. You can begin by letting her know how much you love her and how much the two of you can make it together. No one can get her out of her depression or help her unless she's willing to get help herself. You can suggest ideas to her, but she ultimately needs to make the decision on her own. It is NOT your responsibiliity, especially as her child, to try to get her out of her depression. There are places for her to go where it will cost her little to nothing to get help for her depression. For instance, there is a state run mental health clinic in my area that accepts anyone and reviews the finances of a person, then puts them on a sliding scale as far as paying goes. That means, according to your mom's income, she will only pay a very small percentage of the normal costs of the counseling, often as little as $1.00. This IS something you can do: ask your school counselor or doctor (call him/her and leave the message that you have something urgent to talk about so that he/she can call you back as soon as possible) for names of clinics such as this. Call the clinic, let them know how old you are and that you're very worried about your mother who seems to be in a very depressed state. Talk to your mother with the information you get from the clinic and see if she's willing to go there. But as often is the case, some people suffering depression (or other mental illnesses) have a hard time getting or wanting help while they're in the throws of their illness. Try to be patient with her and encourage her as much as you can. Do NOT feel that YOU have failed if she is in denial or isn't ready for this kind of help. You can only do so much about this. Oh yes, if there is a family member (or even a good friend of your mother's) who you trust, try talking to that person and see if he or she, as an adult, can talk to your mom and help her through this difficult time. This should not be something that lies solely on YOUR shoulders. She is the adult and you are the child...a young one at that.
As far as that jerk who cheated her out of a lot of money, she should be very assertive with her lawyer about going forth with the suit against this guy. And yes, there are organizations that provide legal services for free and you could try to look that up in the phone book, or better yet, go again to your school counselor for help. She or he should be able to find someone like this perhaps easier than you could. And, there are law firms who have attorneys who do pro bono (free) cases if they deem the client has a good enough case and really can't afford to pursue the case. More often than not, these are large law firms because they can afford this more easily. However, as is too often the case, people who lose money to others, can't get it back without paying out a lot of money, or the case is just impossible to pursue especially if no written contract was involved. If you think your father can help you, then YOU should approach him because you are his child and your welfare is at stake. He would be doing you an injustice if he charged your mother for any services. Remind him that he would be helping YOU in the long run.
Also, a question: does your father pay child support and alimony? If he's an attorney, he should be paying a fairly decent amount to your mother. If he's not paying child support, then he needs to be reported to the police who can go from there in reporting him to the proper authorities.
You say your mom is trying to start a real estate business. On the surface this sounds very admirable and this particular profession can provide a lot of money if the agent is successful AND it can provide a single parent with flexible hours to be with his or her children. However, I wonder if this is such a wise decision at this time if things are not working out. Has your mother investigated doing anything else for now, before delving into a business of her own which indeed takes a good amount of funds to get off the ground?
Another thing your mom can do if she's up to it right now (and she may not be), is to go to Social Services and sign up for various programs that are aimed at helping people who have very little income and are in a difficult situation. For one thing, she could sign up for food stamps. Yes, I know there is a stigma attached to food stamps, but in reality it is a great program for people like yourselves. (Yep, too many people abuse the system, but I wouldn't put you guys in that category from what you've said). And, nowadays one does not receive paper food stamps, but instead they receive a lovely plastic card that looks just like a credit card and is used in the credit card machines at grocery stores. That helps a person's self-esteem a lot because no one has to know what kind of card they are using except the cashier. And, you guys do NOT have to be on food stamps or receive any other kind of financial help forever! These programs are designed to help people get on their feet.
The suggestion that you try to get a baby-sitting job is a good one. You could also investigate whether there are any neighbors who would be willing to pay you for any pet care you may be able to provide, or even lawn work. Now remember, you should not be thinking about trying to support your mother. Again, you're just a kid. But, you can help out by getting some small job and just be a contributing family member. If for some reason this makes your mom upset and more apt to say that she's a bad mother because you "have" to work, remind her that she's NOT a bad mother (we all make mistakes and she's surely had it rough by going through a divorce) and that many kids get jobs whether their families need them to or not. Tell her you really want to help out because you're in this together.
I sincerely hope that your mom considers the help that is out there. She needs support and lots of love - from you and those who are willing to be there for her. Counseling can really help her get back on her feet, and perhaps an antidepressant drug will be prescribed to help her over this hump.
I wish you both lots of luck and encourage you to contact me if you need anymore support or suggetions. I'll help in any way I can. My e-mail address is soysusana@verizon.net. You seem like a very caring, thoughtful and supportive daughter/son. Anyone would be proud to have you as their child. I know things will turn around eventually. It just may take a little time. Bless your heart for being so concerned and caring. You're great. Just remember that YOU can't solve these problems. You can help, but you need to know that there are adults who should be taking care of you. Start asking for that help and begin with your father.
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Okay so my dads a major alcoholic and Im trying to get him in trouble and arrested or somehow away from my mother and i cause he is a danger and a jerk. I mean its horrible. He wont physically abuse us to the point of marks cause he dont want to go to jail. However we suspect he may be back on drugs (hes been on them in the past) cause he seems all down dissapears and come back really perky. How can I see if he is? How can I prove it? What should I do? PLEASE HELP! (link)
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Please, please act on this as soon as possible! Call Child Protective Services (with your area Social Services - usually found in the blue government pages of the phone book or at the very beginning of the phone book where emergency numbers are listed). If you're comfortable going to your school counselor, he or she should be able to help you make the right contacts. Also, ask your mother if she's willing to go with you to a local women's shelter to seek advice (often found in the blue pages as well or even under the emergency numbers...at the beginning of the phone book, but if you can't find one in either place, ask Social Services for a number or call the police and they'll be able to direct you to one of these shelters - they are sometimes kept secret to keep the abusive spouse from finding them). Is your mom wanting to deal with this situation as badly as you? It would certainly help if you and she could do all of this together. However, if she is too afraid (or in denial), then do this on your own and explain to whomever you speak what all is going on and that your mom is too afraid at this point to do anything. I sincerely hope that she's at a point where she can try to stop this situation before it escalates more than it has.
Both Social Services and Women's Shelters can help make the decision about whether your dad needs to be reported to the police at this time or not (I would guess that yes, he needs to be reported). They will contact the police and help you make your statement. They will also help your mother through the possibly difficult task of filing a report against your father. There will be a lot of support which you two will need.
I would NOT recommend spying on your dad in any way like hiding around corners to see what he's doing, photographing him in secret, listening in on his calls, etc. This could cause all sorts of problems and make the situation worse...more dangerous than it already sounds. But do be very observant and if you want and if you can, record what you see and hear in a small notebook that he won't find. You can then take this notebook with you when you go to the proper authorities.
You say that your dad doesn't "physically abuse [you two] to the point of marks." That sounds like he does physically abuse you both and that he knows how to stop just before he goes "too far" (he's already gone too far if he's done ANY sort of abuse) and how to hide this physical abuse. That's really scary to me and sends up a red flag about how cunning this man is. Another reason to NOT spy on him.
As far as your dad using drugs or not, there may not be any way YOU can prove that he's gotten into them again (and man, if I were you, I wouldn't try, just be observant). It's really not your job to try to prove this. Let Social Services know your suspicions and they'll go from there.
A friend of mine and her two daughters just went through something very similar to what you're describing. I helped them contact Social Services' Child Protective Services and went with them to their first meeting with a social worker. She was very kind and explained things quite well - the steps that would be taken and how the police would be involved. In their case, there was the added injustice of this man molesting one of his daughters. Too often that happens with men like this, whether their children are girls or boys. I hope that you have not had to endure something like this, but if you have, please try to be as honest as possible with whomever you speak no matter how embarrassed you might feel. They will be able to help you more than you know. Do keep in mind though that your dad does not have to have had molested you to be in a lot of trouble right now. You will STILL get help and guidance as to what to do. The situation is bad enough without molestation, so know that and continue on your quest to help yourself and your mom.
Please let me know what you end up doing and how you and your mother are being helped. I'm so sorry that you both are going through this and I pray that you'll be able to have some sort of resolution VERY soon...or at least the beginning of a resolution. I wish you lots of luck and want to tell you that I believe you are a very intelligent and courageous person. I'm sorry, though, that you are having to take an adult's role in all of this. You're just a kid and you shouldn't have to be in this position. But since you are, kudos to you for trying to do the right and safe thing. I'll be thinking good and safe thoughts for you both...
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hi thanks for the feedback. you asked me some questions so im going to answer them to get more feedback from you. First of all im a teen and we work in a supermarket, not an office. You were right when he passed by and never looked at me, i did the same thing back. maybe i am playing mind games, i think you are right about calling the girl ugly it was uncalled for, but i was upset. I have had lunch with him on our break and we sat at the window. we both just looked out of it and when i tried to look at him while talking he would never look at me. I haven't seen him since the party (haven't had the same shift) but how do you suggest i should act/ and do. Thanks for the feedback (link)
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Oops, it was bound to happen: I talked about never assuming anything and what did I do? I assumed you were referring to an office situation. So sorry.
Still, my advice would be about the same for you guys working in a supermarket as it was when I thought you were working in an office: be careful about having a romance with someone with whom you work. Luckily in this situation though, it seems as though you guys can work different shifts!
OK, now remember, I didn't suggest that only YOU were playing mind games. That tends to go both ways with couples. However, if you were ignoring him because you THOUGHT he was ignoring you, then okay, you were actually doing the mind-gaming. I'm really not criticizing you though because we all do it. Oh sigh. I asked you if you thought this guy might be shy. The way you described your lunch with him sounds like he could very well be shy. It sounds as though you both were talking, only that he had trouble looking straight at you. A sure sign of shyness. But, you might want to ask yourself very honestly if he could possibly be sort of stuck on himself and tends to be rude by not really getting into a conversation and giving anyone eye contact? How have you observed him with others? I mean other girls, to be exact.
Because you guys have not had any kind of relationship going - you really haven't except to be congenial to each other at work - then I would suggest that you do nothing out of the ordinary. Just act yourself and don't do anything differently than you have before. Pretend, if you can, that the party had not happened and that you guys are picking up wherever you left off - whatever that means...as friends, as friendly co-workers, etc. Try to just be cool. And remember that patience is almost always a good thing. If after a while, you truly decide that this guy is shy, then you can decide what you might want to do about making this friendship move along. Always start with the aspect of it being a friendship that has the potential to grow - as a really great friendship OR as something more than that. Lastly, try not to read too much into his actions or inactions when you obviously don't know him very well yet. When we get into the habit of doing that and trying to analyze every minute thing, then we run the BIG risk of driving ourselves nuts and other people away! Oh say it ain't so! Ah, but yes. So, again, be your sweet self, smile and chat, but don't have such high expectations while this situation is still such a "newbie." Give the guy a chance. Give yourself a chance. Go with the flow for now. Hope that this has helped a little more. Don't hesitate to let me know more stuff as things progress (or digress...let's hope that doesn't happen) and if you have any more questions or comments. Again, please don't do a trip on yourself and pull him into it. It just doesn't sound like you know this guy very well at the moment. Good luck!
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We all agree that human needs sex as a biological needs, but many people thing that sex is a symbol of entertainment or just a refreshing activities even in our society, sex become the cheapest commercial breaks! how come they will realize that sex is not just an animal habit inside us! (link)
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I tend to worry about the seemingly huge obsession there is with sex among teens right now. I worry about the emotional and physical ramifications to the young people who want to either give something so personal and special (it is to many) to someone else for the sake of showing "love," or who use it as pure recreation when they haven't really experienced life and so many other people who will inevitably come along. I also worry about the increase in STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) among teens. I think that sometimes, teens tend to think they are indestructable and that nothing bad can happen to them. I also think there are many misconceptions about sex and how one transmits or contracts STDs AND there are still too many misconceptions about how to keep a girl from getting pregnant, e.g., there has to be actual penetration to get pregnant... WRONG!
Make no mistake, I am NOT being judgmental about sex in general. I just worry that there are too many teens who don't realize the assumed emotional commitment sex can elicit - and more often than not, only from one of the partners.
I feel that our society has gone backwards in how it views sex. What I mean by that is that I do NOT think that our present administration has done anything to educate or provide assistance and laws to help with the CHOICES that people have the right to make, e.g., sex education in schools has dwindled, birth control is harder or virtually impossible for young people to get (especially without a parent's consent which isn't necessarily a great idea for many reasons which I'll not go into here), abortion is once again in the throws of debate and is at the horrible risk of being abolished. I feel that our society has become so ridiculously conservative that many people have lost sight of the fact that sex is going to happen no matter what. I also think these right-wingers feel that if they provide guidance of any kind that they are condoning sex in young people. Obviously, I feel that they are sorely misguided; thus, I also feel that other parts of our society try to make up for the turn of events by almost going overboard with splashing SEX at us at every angle. It has to be very hard on teens to NOT want to experiment and go with what they are bombarded with on a daily basis.
I wish that teens would allow themselves to develop relationships without sex muddying the waters so that as they get older they can choose more intellectually (not just physically) what they want to do: have sex as recreation or have sex with someone with whom they are truly in love...which most of us call "making love." The key word here is "choice." We, as humans, can make choices and not have to necessarily go with the "animal instincts" within us.
Though there may be many teens, such as you, who are confused about what is happening around them, I do advise that you and they try not to be so judgmental. Try to open you eyes and see the conflicts which have been created in our society. Have patience with your friends who do decide to have sex...for recreation or whatever. Hope that they are responsible and safe. If YOU decide not to have sex until you're ready, then Good for You and you're obviously being conscientious about your CHOICE. Just remember that we each make our own choices and we will either be happy about them or learn from the mistakes that come from them. That's what life is all about.
On a last note, recreational sex is fun, definitely. But sex with real love, mutual respect, commitment, and responsibility is so much more fun...and safe.
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Ok i am a little upset right now, this is regards to my question before. The guy i like who i work with. well we spoke and laughed and i thought things were going reat. then we had a christmas party and i heard he was going so i went, but when i got there he glanced at me slightly and never spoke to me the whole night (mind you i never did either)I could feel him look at me sometimes when i danced but thats bout it, (hes such a proud guy never looks at when he passes by) then when we were dancing to a a rap song he came up and started grinding with a (ugly) girl near me, i am upset, are things getting worse between us, and what should i do? (link)
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OK, it sounds as though you and this co-worker have a good relationship at work. That's great and it could be the start of something, but it may not be. I'd be careful anyway about starting a romantic relationship with a co-worker. If it doesn't work out, it is SO hard to then work beside this person at work each and every day. Very uncomfortable. Can affect your work. Not good!
You say this guy is "such a proud guy" that he never looks at you when he passes by. Does that happen at work, or were you just referring to how he acted at the Christmas party? Nevertheless, do you mean by "proud" that he acts arrogant and aloof? Or, do you think this guy could possibly be shy? How do/did you act and what do/did you say when he passes/passed you by? Do/did YOU play aloof by not saying anything to him? I suspect you might do this since you said that you never spoke to him at the party [since he never spoke to you]. I'd call that playing games, and I think playing games is very unhealthy and totally a waste of time and energy; it even smacks of a complete loss of intelligence and is ridiculously immature (even when older people do it!).
Who knows why he glanced at you from time to time while you were dancing? Maybe he IS interested and was sort of keeping track of you and what you were doing. Maybe he simply liked your dancing. Or, I hate to say it, but you could have been seeing/feeling what you wanted to see/feel.
I'm a little disturbed that you called his dance partner "ugly." That's just not kind or fair. I know we all tend to do that when we're hurt and confused, but we need to try to stay away from criticizing other people in general, but in this case, especially since you seem to be taking something out on HER instead of on HIM.
The fact that he danced right next to you may have been a sign that he wanted to be near you and didn't really know how to ask you to dance with him. That may sound stupid since he was dancing with another girl. However, I've learned through the years that, for whatever reason (usually incomprehensible), sometimes people think that someone of the opposite sex is emotionally unavailable, unavailable as far as having a partner already (meaning they ASSUME that the other person must have a partner), or that the person is just "too good," or "too good looking," etc. to want to be with him or her. For an example, there were some very cute and popular guys in my high school to whom I was secretly attracted and always thought that I was "out of their league." (I was a bit insecure, ok.) Anyhow, it wasn't until I attended my first high school reunion that several of these guys told ME that they never figured I'd go out with THEM because of...well, whatever. We had to laugh about it, but it was sad as well. Do you understand what I'm saying?
I wouldn't jump the gun and wonder if "things are getting worse between" you two. What exactly is the nature of your relationship now? How has he acted towards you in the office after this party? And, how have YOU acted towards him after this party?
At this point, I'd just play things by ear and let the office relationship evolve and see where it leads you. Don't rush things. Don't assume things - and that includes not assuming that you guys are developing a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. That will only cause you disappointment if this friendship does not develop into anything more. You could always ask this guy to join you for lunch and see how that goes. You may be able to discover how you guys are when you're alone. But try not to have high expectations for something more than a friendship. On that note, how about trying to be satisfied with a good friendship right now? OK, that may not be what you want, but you have to understand that it may be what will come of you two. Be happy for that. Appreciate the friendship and if you don't Push, Expect, or Assume (there's that word again), then your expectations can't be dashed. And, repeating myself, I warn you of the perils of an office romance! Be careful. But also, if this is meant to happen - a romance that is - then I wish you luck and hope you two can actually get around to being honest with each other and try ever so hard to NOT find yourselves playing games! That's a lose-lose situation no matter how you look at it.
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wow! you're really good at this whole advice thing. heh sorry but i really like all of your advice < 33 k, well, byee (link)
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Oh my goodness...Thank You! You have made my day, seriously. I'm not always sure if I'm helping and I know that I write really LONG answers, but I often think there is more to be read between the lines and I just hope that I hit on whatever the questioner is really asking, if you know what I mean.
Hey, a question for you: I'm new at this site and sort of new with the symbols and semi-abbreviations of chatroom-like talk. I can gather MOST of what I see, but some things still confuse me. For instance, in your message, what does "< 33 k" mean? I don't mean to be dumb or computer-chat illiterate, but I just don't get all of the lingo yet!
Thanks again for your very kind comments! - susana
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Hey. I just got the guts today to tell my mom & sister that I think I may have a bacterial infection down below. They made me an appointment to see a regular doctor (not gynaeocologist) on Wednesday. I was wondering, it won't be awkward, I shave completely down there. Like do you think they'll think I'm weird? Because I shave down there? I don't know, it just seems sorta creepy seen as I don't do anything with guys yet! I'm 15/f! :) Thanks. (link)
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I doubt seriously if your doctor will think you're weird! So many girls and women do this for appearances sake in that they wear bikini underwear, swimsuits, or thongs. Other women just don't like the hair sticking out from the elastic of the underwear, whatever kind they wear! Some girls and women like the feel and the look. I will point out that you're pretty young to want to do this after you've just gone through puberty. Unfortunately, in our society today, women are made to feel like they're supposed to do this to feel or be sexy - having sex or not. There is also a misconception out there that women should look like a pre-pubescent girl in her genital region. If you think about it, that's what's weird. There is NOTHING wrong with having pubic hair. But of course, if this is your choice and if you're really happy with it, then nothing is wrong and you haven't done a thing weird!! However, your doctor, because you're so young, may want to inform you of the risks of shaving pubic hair. And really, there is only one big risk: skin infection. This could happen because there are lots of bacteria in that area that can invade any small shaving nick or cut or irritated hair root/skin. You want to always be gentle when shaving yourself and use a delicate lotion and a new razor. Ah, but you didn't ask about all of the above. Sorry.
There is no reason for your doctor to say anything unless he or she wants to give you advice about the skin infection risk. You don't need your mom in the room unless you want her to be there. But, you should definitely be examined by the doctor with a nurse in the room, no matter what! If there is no nurse in the room, then ask for one to be present.
Don't be surprised if your doctor asks you if you're sexually active. This won't be because of your shaved pubic region. It would be a normal question to ask someone your age because doctors are there to give advice, counsel, and suggestions. They are NOT there to judge. And, I really don't think he or she will talk to your mom without your permission. But I bet your mom would understand anyway, especially if you simply tell her that you like it better this way. That's always a good line for anyone - doctor, mother, sister - when you don't feel comfortable talking about something so private. "I like it this way"...PERIOD.
Good luck with getting your infection treated. I'm assuming it's not a skin infection from how you wrote your question. By the by, is there any particular reason your mom made the appt. with a regular doctor vs. a GYN? Have you ever been to a GYN? Many family practice doctors now include GYN care in their regular care of a patient, so that may be the case in your situation. If not, make sure that you do get a GYN of your own one of these days in the near future. It's time that you start taking care of yourself on a yearly basis.
Again, too much info when you asked a simple question... So sorry!
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I need some dressy pants for chorus and the concert is coming up in about 2 weeks. Where can I get some dressy pants cheap? I know Forever 21 has some but where else? (link)
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TJ Max, Marshalls, Kohl's, Target, K-Mart, Fashion Bug, Steinmart, Wal*Mart, The Gap, Express, and The Limited are a few I can think of where you might find inexpensive dress pants. And if you're game, don't discount going to a high-end thrift store (often called 'vintage clothing"). Or heck, just any thrift store. So many of the high school and college students around here, as well as lots of my friends, myself included, love to look in the thrift stores for great buys - inexpensive things and often really, really neat things. You wouldn't believe some of the new clothes you might find, or clothes that are barely used. There are also stores around that are consignment stores where folks take clothes in GOOD condition and sell them only to get a small percentage of what sells. We have several around here and it is usually the very rich who put their clothes into these stores. Don't know exactly why, but that's how it is. Most of the clothes have been barely worn and are definitely inexpensive even with high-end designer names. And, if you don't care about wearing these pants after the chorus concert, then you won't have spent much if you choose to go to a thrift store or a consignment shop. Who knows though? You may love what you discover!
Good luck. You've got a lot of places from which to choose. Have fun with your concert! I always loved my choral concerts! They were so fun at the holidays especially.
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I am a sophmore in highschool and I have been thinking about careers for my future. There has been one thing that I have been interested in for a while now. I want to become a sex therapist to cousil couples about their sex lives.. Sort of like Dr. Ruth? (Short little lady that talks about sex alot). The thing is.. I'm not sure how to approach my parents about it, because they would probably think it's a horrible career choice and wouldn't agree with what I'd be doing with my life. In my personal opinion I think it's admirable career.
So, I have a few questions here. One would be how should I approach my parents about this subject? The other is what colleges would actually have that course? Or is it made up of multiple courses?
If you have any helpful websites about schools and programs that would be great too.. Thanks if you can help! (link)
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A great site to go to about colleges and universities that offer psychology majors is the following:
http://www.a2zcolleges.com/Majors/Psychology.html
You'll see a map of the U.S. and you can click on any of the states and then you'll be given a list of universities in that state that offer good psych programs. For example, I clicked on Missouri and found that my alma mater, Washington University in St. Louis was listed. You can then click on the university and see what is written about it. My school is a very fine school and is well known around the world especially because of its medical school, which would include psychiatry if you're interested in that. OK, no, I'm not trying to get you to go to "my" school, I'm just giving you an example!
I think that the best thing to do with your folks is to say that you're interested in studying psychology. That's the truth! There really is no need to go into what kind of psychology you're interested in until after you've been in a program for a while. Once you're in college, you will know what your direction will be and it should be YOUR choice as to what you do with the direction you choose. Keep in mind that you may, after taking psych courses, decide to go into another area of that field. You never know until you dive into all the aspects of psychology! And, you may find that you want to be a social worker - a licensed clinical social worker - and you might want to investigate Social Work schools at some of these universities.
Wanting to help couples deal with the sexual aspects of their relationships is admirable. Just get your feet wet with psychology and see if that's still where you want to concentrate all of your energies. You might be surprised.
Good luck and don't worry about your folks. Once you get into college and know exactly where you're headed, you'll have plenty of time to share details with them...AND you'll have more details and concrete info to GIVE them!
P.S. I thought I really wanted to be a psychologist, but once I was in school and took several psych courses, I decided to switch to other majors (for me they ended up being Fine Arts and English Literature - ha! pretty off the psych path, don't you think?!). I'm not saying this will happen to you, but keep an open mind and allow yourself to experience all kinds of new education at college! Again, Good Luck! This is an exciting time of your life. Have fun! And NEVER feel guilty about following your dreams!
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Well I'm 16/f.
Sorry this one is kind of long.
Well I really need to let go of my past but everytime something good happens I think back to how I messed it all up the last time and just get depressed. Well you see, I have quite a few guy friends who when they want to say something to me or get my attnetion they tap me on the shoulder, pat me on the head, or grab my arm loosely. I know they don't mean anything bad by it but it freaks me out since last summer at a camp I went to in Colorado I was hit on and basically molested by a guy I thought was my friend. I had to sit by him on the bus ride (which took basically a whole day) and even though I told him and begged him to stop he wouldn't stop touching me inappropriately.
Well we got off the bus and I told my friend Daniel what happened and Daniel kept the guy away from me but that wasn't the end of it. Later in the week at camp two more guys kept coming up to me and making me sit on their laps and try to give me back rubs and stuff like that. I of course protested but they were way too strong for me to get free and they would cover up my mouth if I tried to speak to someone near us. It was freaking me out. Every night when we finally had to go to bed I would sit up all night wishing that the next day would never come. I talked to my camp leader and she said she'd do all she could to keep them away from me but it never worked. So when I was supposed to be having fun at camp I was always looking around me and wondering when they would hit on me again.
My question is how can I let go of those emories so that I don't get freaked out anymore.??? (link)
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I just read your feedback and it made me really sad. It also brought back memories for me. A long while ago my parents and I were not that close because they tended to react to things the same way your parents did - even to a vicious rape that happened to me and really messed my head up. They have since been in counseling - of sorts - and have become more enlightened about the world in general, thus we have a much better relationship. Nevertheless, this is about you. I was so glad to read that you're in counseling! Good for you. I hope you realize how much strength and courage it takes to go to counseling. It is NEVER a sign of weakness in case anyone tries to put that on you.
You did all the right things about those guys in camp. You told the camp counselor, your guy friends, and your parents. It seems like the only people who really came through for you were your guy friends who could only do so much. Thank God for them! The "boys will be boys" comment from you dad is still such a common comment made by men AND women and it's absurd! But unfortunately too many paretns STILL raise their boys with that concept and thus we STILL have inappropriate behavior from too many boys/men and there is a definite lack of respect for girls/women. This angers me to no end! Your mom's silence must have hurt a lot. For all we know, she could have agreed with you that what happened was awful but was afraid to mention her feelings in front of your dad...for whatever reason. And that's sad for your mom. If you talked to her in private, then I would imagine that she just can't handle that sort of thing and would rather pretend that it doesn't happen. I'm sorry that you encountered these kinds of reactions from your parents. I'm sure you've talked about all of this with your counselor. But make sure you talk about the feelings - if you haven't already - you had and still have re: the poor responses of your camp counselor (even though she tried to a certain degree, but not hard enough as far as I'm concerned) AND your parents. They just weren't there for you and that's absolutely unfair and is totally sad. Feel free to e-mail me at soysusana@verizon.net if you want to talk about this anymore, especially after seeing your counselor. As I told you before, I had very similar experiences and I've been in a lot of counseling and have come a long way in my life with a great deal of healing, which hasn't always come easily. You'll be okay. I know it. Just make sure you don't stop talking with your counselor, especially now. And, like I said, if you want to talk with someone who's "been there" and you're not in group counseling, then write to me. I will listen and I will empathize more than you know. Hope you have a good counseling session tomorrow.
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I feel so depressed. I feel as if everyone in my life is moving on. I feel as tho I have no friends I spend my saturdays doing nothing, i feel as tho everyone hates me and Ive thought about sucide.
I have an incurable skin disease its so ugly and difiguring and the only cure for it is sunlight. I live in a cold place and my mum wont let me use tanning beds even tho thats the only cure.
I havnt got a boyfriend, and I dont trust anyone. I cant teell anyine about my skin disease. I feel so ugly and gross all the time. PLEASE HELP!!
What can I do?? (link)
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Do you know the name of the skin disease you have? Are you being treated by a dermatologist? You mention that you need sun to cure this disease. Do you maybe have vitiligo? If you do, please be careful with sun exposure. It can make it worse. However, certain kinds of light therapy are recommended and this site can tell you about that as well as give you info about other diseases or disorders of the skin: http://www.yourskin101.com/skin-disorders/
If you can't find your particular skin disease at this site, you can always Google the name of your disorder and see what sort of info you can gather. The more you know about your skin disease the more you can do for it.
I'm really sorry that you are feeling so depressed. Depression is an all too common illness that affects teens and adults. Please ask your mom to take you to a counselor or your doctor so that you can possibly get some medication to help you through this time. Antidepressants can truly help you feel better even if they don't take away what is actually at the root of your depression. More often than not, a person needs antidepressants along with counseling. If you don't think your mom will help you (and I'm betting she will!), try talking to your school counselor and see what she or he has to recommend. When a person begins to think about suicide it's definitely time to do something about the depression. In a more aligned world, we wouldn't get depressed or we would seek help before it got too bad. Please remember that your pain WILL END one day, but taking your life will cause pain to others that will never end. I'm sure you don't want to do that. Plus, and most importantly, you're young and there is still so much more to life than NOW. "Now" will eventually disappear and better things will come along. You don't want to miss out on the exciting mysteries of the future.
Why is it that you don't trust anyone? Have you been hurt severely by friends/boyfriends in the past? Or have things gone on in your homelife that make it difficult to trust? These are things you need to work on in counseling. It's okay that you keep yourself at somewhat of a distance with people until you know them better, but to not trust "anyone," is sad and unhealthy. You talk about not being able to tell anyone about your skin disease...does that mean that it isn't visible to people when you go out because of your clothes? If this is the case, why then would you want to talk about something so personal unless you found someone you really felt comfortable confiding in? If your skin disease is visible, then you still don't owe anyone an explanation UNLESS you want to talk about it.
My guess is that you are NOT ugly! Very few people are. And I know you hear this all the time, but it really is true: It's not what's on the outside that counts, but what's on the inside. Try to let people see what's on your inside; let them see what a great person you surely are. Hold your head up high and tell yourself each and every day that you are beautiful and worth all that is good. At first you may not believe these words, but if you can say this over and over again, you will eventually believe it just as you've made yourself believe you're ugly because you've obviously told yourself this over and over. Try changing how you look at yourself and others will follow. Can you get involved in any activities at school that would help you meet people? Having a boyfriend right now is not the most important thing. Having friends and being a good friend are much more important. Trying to work on your self-esteem is imperative and you might need professional help to get you started.
Please let me know if you need to talk some more or if you've been able to take some of this advice. You can e-mail me if you want: soysusana@verizon.net I want you to feel good about yourself no matter what. I think it's great that you've reached out for help through this site. Please don't give up on yourself. I care.
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I have a question about my friend. Well I guess you could say she is one of my best friends.
Well we had made plans tonight to rent and movie and then watch it at her appartment. She told me to arrive by 8 o clock. Well she phoned me at 5 and I wasnt dressed or anything yet. She asked me if I could do her a favour. I said "sure" before I knew what I was in for. Well it turned out she had put an add in the paper to sell two of her cats (she has 5). She told me that the girl buying the cats needed a ride home and could I do it because she (my friend) doesnt have a car. I was a little annoyed because I wasnt ready and she needed me there right away. Well being the loyal friend I was I showed up and one of the cats had escaped from its carrier, and then my friend made me chase around the house for the cat instead of her doing it! We finally caught her and then I had to load up my car with both the cats and their toys. Now heres the kicker: After I loaded up my car with all the cats and toys, I said to my friend "your'e coming with me right"? After all I didnt want to drive a complete stranger somewhere in my car all by myself, I would want my friend to come with me. Also, we still needed to rent the movie. Then she says "no, I'm not coming! So I had to drive this person to her house (who was extremely rude to me by the way). Then I had to rent the movie by myself!! When I finally got back to my friends by around 6 and all she could talk about was how sad she was that she had to give up her cats!!! She finally noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her the girl I had to drive home was rude (but didnt mention I was more angry at her).
My question is, I am overeacting, or was that a really shitty thing that my "friend" did to me? (link)
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Well, I don't think you're overreacting, but I do think there might have been some confusion as to why your friend acted the way she did, although I don't approve of HOW she did it. Being a pet lover myself, having to give up any pet is ridiculously difficult, no matter the situation.
I don't like it when people ask if you'll do them a favor before telling you what it is. That's sort of a cheap shot. When someone does that to me, I now say, "Well, it depends. What do you need?" Yes, asking you to drive this other woman home was a bit "out there," but I suppose she was only thinking about who might have a car and you were on her mind because you two were getting together later. OK, but I do wish that she'd helped you get the "escaped" kitty, although I wonder if she didn't because the whole affair was getting to her. Still, that doesn't mean she should have put EVERYTHING on you, as she certainly did. I would have wanted her to accompany me in driving this woman home as well. However, once again, maybe this would have been difficult on her because she knew she'd have to be in the car with the cats she was losing. The problem here is that your friend did not communicate with you at all what she was thinking or going through and thus put you in and on the spot.
I'm really sorry that the woman you drove home was so rude. That must have been the pits. Luckily you will probably never see this jerk again.
As far as buying all the stuff for your get-together that night, I've learned that you can't rely on others all the time to offer up money. You need to learn to say, "OK, I spent X, so you owe me ...this... amount." That is often the only way you'll get reimbursed. That too is the pits, but you have to be assertive with things like this when you have "friends" like this. If you had no idea she'd be like this because she hadn't been in the past, then at the end of the night, you probably should have said something about how much she owed you. It's really not too late. You could tell her that you totally forgot to tell her the cost of everything you bought/rented and how much she owed you. Then tell her and act like this is just a normal thing to do...because IT IS! She was either too upset about losing her cats and simply forgot to give you money, OR she truly is rude. If she's shown rudeness before, then learn from it! Make sure you have all the plans, agreements and money arrangements set up in advance.
All in all, the situation sounds like it was very hectic and your friend asked a lot of you and should have acted more appreciative than she obviously did. I wouldn't hesitate to talk to her now that you've cooled down some about how you didn't appreciate what went on that night with her expectations of you. Tell her what you wish she had done or not done, and ask her why she did the things she did. Listen. And, remember that she could have been caught off-guard by this woman not having a way home and didn't know what to do. Public transportation (except for a taxi) wouldn't have worked because the woman had animals with her and they're usually not allowed on public transportation.
You were a VERY good friend to your friend and this jerky woman. Again, I don't blame you for how you felt/feel and I highly encourage you to have a sit-down with your friend. Try not to be judgmental about her sadness and need to talk about the loss of her cats. I'm sure that was really tough on her and she felt like she could express these feelings to you - her friend. I'm sorry that sort of put a damper on your night with her, but she obviously was grieving and if you've never had a pet that you had to give up, you might not understand completely what she was feeling. Try to go easy on her about that part.
Good luck with this friendship. I think you can salvage it if you just communicate your honest feelings.
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I dont know what i should get for my mom for christmas..I know its bad but yeah. She likes the western deal, and candles. Can you give me some ideas???? (link)
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I'm guessing that when you say your mom "likes the western deal," that you mean she likes the southwestern theme. You could combine that love with her love of candles by buying her several candles that are in southwestern colors, e.g., terra cotta (a lovely brownish orange), rust red, salmon (light pinks or pink-orange), purples, sand colors - off-white, cream, tan, turquoise, medium green, light brown, and golden yellow. Think also of the colors of a glorious sunset. You could buy different sizes of candles and holders so that, put on display together, this great combination of colors, sizes and styles could be perfectly lovely. Or, even separate, put around a room, they would add something to her decor. Certainly you could look around your house and see what colors she uses the most and go from there with your candle color choices.
Places where you might be able to get some ideas would be shops that are "new age" (they have lots of candles and often things that are southwestern because of the Native American background of this style, plus, usually, Native American music and gifts), or if you have a Native American shop (there are more around than you might think), you could maybe find something really neat there.
I don't know where you live so it's hard to suggest certain types of stores or gifts. I have some really neat mandalas, dream catchers, rain sticks, decorative magnets that are of the southwestern theme...even though my house isn't of that theme! You could probably find her a really nice calendar at any bookstore that has southwestern pictures or designs. That would be a neat idea along with the candles.
I wish you luck and hope you find something you really like for your mom. She'll love the thought you put into it!
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