|
hey i heard you give good help and advice maybe you could he
Hey susana i saw the advice you gave to the gril about the boy and going on vacation to can cun. well i thought it was realyl good and i was wondering if you could help me. well my boyfriend recently broke up with me on my birthday and it really hurts. before we went out we were best friends i would talk to him all the time on the phone and i would somtimes go over his house. and we really liked each other so we gave it a chance. It was the 3rd time we gave it a shoot though. well i liked him so much i even let him be my first kiss. and he dumped me after that.every time i try to talk to him about it he always trys to change the subject or avoid the questions. like ill give him a long letter and he would like not answer a question or explain anyhting. and we always end up into a fight like we are right now. I still love him soooo much and i want him back so bad. how doi get over this. people are always telling me " omg get over him hes not worth it" but how can i get over some one i loved so much with all my heart and he did mean alot to me. please help me what should i do cause ir eally want him to know how i feel but i also want all my questions answered. please help me
- thanks, ashley
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Do you mind if I ask you how old you are? Of course, my answer would probably be the same thing, or about the same thing no matter what age you are. Still, it might help to know your age.
First off, I'm really sorry that your "best friend" friendship has now changed so much and that this guy broke up with you on your birthday. That happened to me on my SIXTEENTH b'day and I was oh so not thrilled!! It somehow hurt even more. And I'm sure that's what happened to you, too.
I believe that girls/women tend to want to know exactly what has gone on in a relationship down to every tiny detail. Sure, there are guys out there who are the same way, but I believe we women are more into wanting to know answers because we usually talk things out and dissect problems differently than most guys. The hard part is learning to let go when you're not able to get the answers you're looking for. And I do mean that is the HARD part. We feel confused and frustrated and we at least want to know WHY something happened, if for no other reason than to know how to handle a similar situation in the future. But usually it is so hard to deal with rejection (for anyone) that we keep looking for why the other person has rejected us. We feel abandoned and we want to know, "Hey, what happened? And why can't we work this out?" With you guys, having first been best friends, you're not just mourning the loss of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, you're grieving the loss of a best friend. I suspect that plays more into it than anything else, even if you're not aware of it.
I think that sometimes people can not explain their behavior because 1) they're confused about their own feelings, 2) they would rather not look at a problem because it's easier...to them...to just ignore it, 3) they have no earthly idea how to express themselves and they don't even want to try, and 4) many people feel that a discussion will turn into a confrontation and they won't know how to handle that, or, they don't want anything to do with something that just won't be pleasant. OK, so you might ask then, why do couples (or even good friends) fight and argue if one or the other doesn't want a confrontation. Well, it's easier to fight about the little things, the insignificant things, than to deal with the real problems at hand. And this has nothing to do with age. It does, however, have to do with maturity. (A grown person can be very immature just as a young person can be very mature.)
You've already written this guy a long letter asking questions that he's refused to answer. Who knows EXACTLY why he won't answer them, but you can't force a person to do what they'd rather not do. This guy has made a CHOICE - one that is not pleasing to you. His choice is to ignore this whole situation and to move on in his life. Now you need to make a choice that will be healthy for you. You may feel as though you don't want to choose to let this guy go. I can understand that. But, it sure doesn't sound like you're getting anywhere with him and instead you're choosing to be "stuck." Stuck on wanting/needing to know answers that you'll probably never get, for whatever reason. Stuck on a guy (in love with) who is not acting like he respects you and your feelings very much, or at all. Stuck in the past (though it is the recent past) when you thought all would work out well. OK, so it hasn't. Yes, that hurts. And it hurts a lot, no matter how old you are. But again, you can choose to be miserable or you can choose to realize that this guy isn't who you thought he was and that you really need to distance yourself from him and move on. You deserve someone who will respect you and work WITH you on making a relationship work. But too often, young people get so wrapped up in relationships that they lose sight of the fact that there is so much more out there to experience. Your hurt will go away. You will find another boyfriend. You will be happier to be with friends (and boyfriends) with whom you're not fighting all the time or having to try to figure out.
Your letter that was full of questions for him could easily have overwhelmed him, especially if he's the type of boyfriend who can't express his intimate feelings very well - good or bad. If you're wondering why he might have been able to express his feelings about things so well when you were just friends, it's because you probably felt "safe" to him and he was not having to play any kind of role, such as a boyfriend. He could just be natural with his best buddy. Moving into a relationship outside the realms of a friendship changed everything and you may not be able to get any of that back. Yes, that's too bad. Some people can go back to being friends after a break-up, but more often than not, it is just too difficult because there is what is called baggage - the stuff that made the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend fall apart.
I suspect that you professed your love for him in the letter that you gave him. Am I right? Even if you didn't come out and say it, my guess is that he knows exactly how you feel and can't or won't deal with that. Respect yourself and don't try to think of others ways you can tell him what he already knows.
If you truly have this itching desire to write anything to him, then I would keep it short, not ask ANY questions, but just tell him that you're sorry that your long-lasting friendship had to come to an end just because you guys weren't right for each other as a couple. Tell him you respect his decision to not talk about the break-up and that you've decided to move on and not ask any more questions. Thank him for the time that you two were best friends. But don't go on and on, and really, really keep this short and without much emotion. You've already shown a great deal of emotion by way of your last letter. Do not have high expectations because of a note like this. He could just as easily ignore it as he did your other one. But, at least YOU will be the mature one here in that you're simply telling him that it's too bad and sad that your friendship has been ruined. Although, again, keep in mind, that usually happens - a friendship being ruined due to romantic involvement. Yep, that's sad, but it just happens that way.
It sounds to me like the two of you need some major distance right now. Perhaps some day you'll be able to be friends again, but it may take a while for either of you to trust that situation. I know you love this guy and want him back or at least to have some answers and closure. But I don't think you're going to get either. Unfortunately, that is going to happen a lot as you grow up. About relationships, about the state of the world, about many things. It's frustrating, but it's life.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting as much as you are. But you really don't need to be so desperate. You're driving yourself nuts and this is not something that is going to go anywhere from what I can tell. Please think about what your friends are telling you. You need to move on, even if you can't get over him right now, and remember that he probably really is NOT worth all this grief. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. Let him go. Open the door for someone else to walk through. You never know who might be out there for you until you learn to let go of that which is holding you back. This guy is holding you back. You WILL get over him, no matter how you feel now. Good luck. I know you'll get past this and will be happier for it...eventually Believe me. Just be patient, sweetie.
]
More Questions: |