askNinjaNeer
advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: F-17: This guy and I were together for 2 years and we were completely in love. We barely did anything though; we didn't need it. We split up when we went to different schools and it was a terrible break up and we weren't even friends. Now we've been apart for a little over a year now but naturally, I still have feelings for him. He says he does for me too, I know it's true. But during the year we've been apart, he was dating another girl and he had sex with her. I always thought he would be the guy I'd have sex with. Now we're finally friends again and he wants to and I know I do it's just weirding me out that it's my first time and not his; just because that's how i imagined it would be. Help!
Rule number one: if you need to ask strangers if you should have sex, you shouldn't, because something in you is telling you that it's not the right time.

Rule number two: never have sex with a guy who won't commit. You're good enough to have sex with, but not for him to date? That doesn't fly with me. He wants to use you. You might have imagined your first time with him, but not as some chick he's nailing. Your first time should be special, with someone who respects and loves you.

Q: What does "Don't lose someone you love over pride" mean?
In any relationship, be that friendship, family or a romantic relationship, you'll come against times when you disagree. Some people are too proud to admit that they're wrong or that they need help. So instead of admitting their mistakes or asking for help, they'll let the relationship deteriorate for the sake of pride.

Q: Are there gyms that will let teens join them?
I've been searching the internet and looking for gyms but they when i try to sign up it says I have to be 18. Does anyone know any gyms a person under 18 can join?
Have you checked out the YMCA? At mine, they consider a student to be anyone in school over age 13, with a valid student card. You even get a discounted membership. Full access to facilities :)

Q: Ok so it takes A LOT for me to fall for a guy, so when I do it always means a lot to me.

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, I was so heartbroken, and still am a little. We'd been arguing for a few weeks (pretty constant) and I told him it was putting a strain on our relationship and we should re-consider our relationship with eachother. I told him I loved him, he meant everything to me, etc which is why I think we should do that.

Any way he totally flipped and said of course he wanted to stay together and I said we'll just think about what is best for us. The next day he broke up with me. Since then we have spoke, I mean I told him that I wanted to give our relationship a second chance but he doesn't seem to want to. Although he has said "there is nothing more that I'd want than to be with you again, I just can't go through that again" He text me 2 weeks ago saying he still loves me and he misses me, but he still doesn't know what to do.

Recently when we spoke (it's always him texting first) he said "well maybe in the future we will get back together" why won't he just be with me now if what he is saying is true?
I really don't see how you can say that he broke up with you. You told him you wanted to break up because you had been arguing, even though he was willing to try and work things out. Sounds like you did the breaking up to me... maybe not officially, but in spirit.

That sort of attitude towards hardships would certainly damage my trust! When you're in a relationship with someone, you don't want to be with a person who will bolt when there's trouble. Relationships are about sticking together through the tough times.

He needs to see proof that you're willing to try. Show him that you're not so easily put off, and you may have another chance with him.

Q: Hi! anybody know some examples of Persuasive Speech? if you guys know please let me know..Thanks :)
Persuasive speech is used any time you're trying to persuade someone to change their opinion. You'll find examples in just about any situation like that.

Like, for instance...

"It's wrong to ask others to do your homework because homework is intended to help you develop skills on your own, outside of class. By having someone else do your homework, you may get good grades, but will miss out on valuable experience and knowledge," she said sarcastically.

;)

Q: so i had a question i went on a date with this guy and we cuddled and hold hands. but did nothing else so should i kiss him on the second date when we go and hangout at the mall? does anyone here have any stories or tips as well? thanks. :)
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I've always thought it was the third date when you were supposed to kiss :\

Also, the mall really isn't THE place to have your first kiss. I know I would personally prefer something a little more cozy and a lot less public.

On the third date, he's fair game. Kiss away :)

Q: I'm 15/f. My face was extremely dry so I started using Neutrogena Cleanser and Neutrogena Toner at night and in the morning I would use Aveeno Tinted Moisterizer also as my foundation. It was working great for about 1 week and a half, my face was shiny and smooth and getting rid of my few blemishes that I had. However, just a few days ago my dry face started gettting worse than I had started out with. What could it be? Was I using the cleanser and toner too much? So now I decided to used Johnson's shea and cocoa butter baby lotion on my face at night and the tinted moisterizer in the morning. Any more advice as to what I should do and what could be the problem? I really enjoyed using the Neutrogena products because they worked haha well for an amount of time.
The toner will be drying out your skin and closing your pores (that's what it's for), and then you're leaving your skin dry until the morning. By that point, it'll already be too late, because your outer layer of skin won't readily absorb the moisturizer.

Usually, I wash/exfoliate in the morning, followed by a facial moisturizer with SPF (they don't make you oily) immediately after.

Q: Alright, where to start. First, I have a babygirl. She's 18 months. And a fiance. I don't have a job, and neither does he. I'm going through high school still, I'm 17, and I'm waiting to graduate. I was planning to move to Washington with my fiances mother, since that's where we're happy. But my parents are trying to talk me out of it. Saying I won't be able to survive if I move out. The thing is, I'm not going to be able to get a job in Washington until I do move out. So what, I'm supposed to get a job here and save up money. That makes no sense to me. And my child has some kidney problems, that she can grow out of, with medicine, which she's taking. They want me to stay until she grows out of that. Ok what happens when I have a nother baby. What then mom and dad. They put all these worries in my head so now I'm wondering if I'm EVER going to move out. I don't know....
At your age and level of education you won't be able to get paid anything more than minimum wage. It is incredibly hard to raise a family on that, especially when one of the family has special medical needs.

It costs a lot to move out on your own. Have you sat down and figured out exactly what you need to be able to move out and to live comfortably in Washington? If you want to convince your parents, you should do it now. Make up a list and find out reasonable prices, then show them and see if your research is right. Make a monthly budget that allows for savings, not just scraping by, because what if one of you loses their job? Or what if the car breaks down and you have to buy another? Or what if there's a medical emergency? Even if nothing goes wrong, there's still your baby's education to think of!

Start-up things like:

- First and last months' rent
- Furniture and household items (dishes, etc)
- Deposits for utilities
- Moving costs

And living stuff like:

- Rent
- Electrical bills
- Gas
- Phone, TV and internet
- Renter's insurance
- Cell phone
- Baby supplies (diapers, clothes, toys, etc)
- Food
- Transportation (public transit or car, insurance, gas)
- Entertainment
- An emergency fund in case something goes wrong.

You're very lucky that your parents are giving you a break and letting you live with them. Many teen mothers wouldn't have the same opportunities. If you stay for a while and save up, you'll have a much more comfortable time when you do move out.

As for "What about when I have another baby...", don't. You are not in a situation where you can have another baby right now and support them. Yes, it sucks. But I'm 23, engaged for 3 years and would LOVE to get married and have a baby right now. Why haven't I? Because we're being responsible and waiting until I have my education and can give our baby everything that they'll need. Think of your children, not yourself when you're making decisions for your future. Sound harsh? It's reality.

Q: I dnt want my period I just feel so uncomfortable so if I don't eat at ALL that will stop it. And how long do I need to go without eating??
I third the motion. Being hospitalized for anorexia, dealing with hair loss, bone density loss, heart troubles and potential death is a lot worse than dealing with some period issues.

There are other ways to make your period more bearable.

You can go the natural route. This involves tons of exercise, eating light, healthy meals, drinking lots of water, avoiding caffeine and chocolate and taking Midol. This will fix most peoples' problems.

Otherwise, you can go on birth control. There are some that give you fewer or no periods, but most of them lighten it without the side effects of the stronger ones. Talk to your doctor and let them know that you're having uncomfortable periods, and they can help you out with choosing the best one for you.

Q: i'm 18 female and my parents and boyfriend and best friend are all talking to me about the future. At first it was ok but now i feel like its gotten way out of hand and i feel like i'm about to lose it!

my parents are talking to me about college (which is fine because i already know what college i'm going to) but then they were talking about moving and studying abroad and studying international school and living there when i'm older like 2 or 3 years from now.

my boyfriend was talking to me about our future together. at first that was fine because i thought it was cute that he wanted to stay together when i was in college. but now he's talking about marriage and where we would live and kids etc. i'm freaking just a kid still!!! i feel like i'm so overwhelmed with him talking about the future and i haven't really given it a thought but it hurts my brain to think about the future

my best friend was talking to me about college (that was fine because we were discussing which colleges we were going to) but then she started talking about how when we are older we could travel together and get an apartment together and be roommates and do everything together. at first i was fine with it because she is my best friend and we are like sisters and i can't imagine life without her.. but now its just weird how we are basically planning our future..

i dont know if i'm overreacting but i just feel so overwhelmed with everything. i do have a lot of stress in my life, so that could be a factor. but i just feel so stressed and anxiety and i wish i could scream at people! help what do i do?
Been there, done that.

The best way to handle people asking about your future, or trying to make plans for you is to have a deflecting statement. What do I mean?

Something like "Whoa! I hardly have a handle on today, let alone 3 years from now!"

You don't need to tell anyone that you don't want to plan the future with them. Just let them know that in general, you're not ready to even start thinking about anything beyond breakfast tomorrow morning.

Q: was i bad today?
i recently gained 5 pounds and im desperatly trying to loose it.

today i had
breakfast- quaker weight control instant oatmeal, in mayple and brown sugar- 160 calories
lunch- grilled chicken with a drop of goat cheese
dinner- quinoa,very little chicken soup broth, sum green beans 3-4 cups of red wine

im freaking out about the wine... i hear its very high in caloires....
I would suggest that rather than playing a guessing game, you use an online calorie tracker instead.

I'm using MyFitnessPal, which is fantastic. Spark People is another great one. Both are free websites.

Both sites have a catalog of foods, and you can add your own meals and recipes. You just click on what you've eaten for the day and it shows you how many calories, and you can even track other things like protein intake, fat intake or fibre intake.

Both sites have a goal setting function. When you register, you put in your weight, how much you want to weigh and how fast you want to lose weight (to a maximum of 2 lbs a week; that's the fastest healthy weight loss). Then it gives you a calorie limit which, when used with the calorie tracker, shows you how much you need to eat. It's important to stay as close as you can to this number: if you stay too far below you'll kill your metabolism and end up gaining weight.

Both sites also have forums for support, which can be great when you're having a dilemma or want to share a success.

Q: i like to collect mask and i want a gas mask so bad but cant really find one in like a army salvation store but never have so where would be a good place for me to get one over christmas...thanks for the help
Your best bet would probably be an army surplus store. They carry a lot of non-lethal military gear.

Q: I'm 19 and I've been dating this 24 year old guy for a few weeks now, we had sex last night and he didn't feel a thing. It was just a spur of the moment thing, it was the right time in our relationship, we wanted each other really badly. We have had oral sex before in the past, and he'll feel it when I'm giving blow jobs and hand jobs, he just can't feel actual sex. He's the type of guy that even though he's really nice, he's also very honest and I know that if it had something to do with me he would have told me, he said that when I asked him about it too.
I'm falling for this guy and he's falling for me, yet I'm worried that he might decide that it has something to do with me, like I can't sexually satisfy him enough, and he'll break up with me. I've had one other sexual partner and he's had two others, he's never had this problem with them. He hasn't had sex in two years, so he blames the fact that he's overweight and that the condoms aren't very good (we were using durex's, my ex boyfriend was very big on using trojans). I've also heard that health problems could be the reason why too, I don't know if he has any sexual health problems but he does have possible diabetes and possible sleep apnea. He also has depression and mild schizophrenia, however I haven't really noticed any of these and he's dealt with them when he was with his previous sex partners.
Does anyone have any ideas for what could be the problem? That way I can get some reassurance that it's not my fault. And what we could do to resolve this issue?
It's very possible that his depression, diabetes or the medications being used to treat his conditions are responsible.

Have him talk to his doctor. Sexual side effects are very common when taking antidepressants, and there are other meds that can be combined with his current ones or taken instead that will cancel out the negative effects. Sure, it's embarrassing, but it's better than letting a relationship die for preventable reasons!

Q: 16/f

there is this guy that i like who i found out something today. one of his good friends told me today that his girlfriend of almost 2 months is cheating on him and claims to be a virgin and doesnt cuss when she is not a virgin and cusses when he is not around. the guy i like (lets call him t) doesnt know that i like him and neither does his really good friend (m) who told me this. I have no proof that t's crush is cheating on him but from several other friends of t's, it sounds pretty convincing. I want t to know but i dont want to be the one to tell him. I feel like if M is a good friend then she would tell him herself. What should I do? I was cheated on her several weeks and no one had the guts to tell me when three of my friends knew. Please help, I am desperate. (Also T knows that I know that something is going on because he say that M was talking to me, my crush asked me what was going on and I kept denying that something was going on but then he guessed that it was a secret about him)
If you want to maintain any sort of relationship with T, you can't tell him.

First off, you have no solid proof; only rumours that sound convincing enough for you to believe them. If you were to go to him and say "I've heard that your girlfriend is cheating on you", he'd want proof to back it up. If you couldn't present, you'd look like a fool.

Secondly, even if you did have solid proof, you would forever be the girl who ended that relationship. That's not a good place to be if you want to date him in the future.

Soon enough, his friends will man up and tell him, or he'll figure it out on his own and dump her. Unfortunately, the best you can do is be there to help pick up the pieces at the end of it.

Q: okay i am on birth control but i have been late for my shot. i was supposed to get it like two weeks ago and i didnt because i didnt have a ride. while i am on the shot my boyfriend (t) and i have alot of sex and i let him cum inside of me because it hasent got me pregnant yet and we have been together on and off for about 3 years now. we are both 18 and he has a job but i dont. i stay with my cousin because of some family problems. a few days ago my bf and i had sex and we didnt use a condom and i wasnt on my shot for my month. and he accidentally came inside me but i hurried and whiped it all out..i need to know if im going to become pregnant even though i hurried and cleaned it out? and i also need to know if i get my shot friday is it still possible of being pregnant?? please someone give me a answer fast!
There is a possibility, but it's pretty slim.

Even if he hadn't ejaculated in you, you still could have become pregnant.

However, the shot is a terribly effective form of birth control. I was on it for a year, and it took me another full year to get my cycle back to normal. It's not like the shot loses all effectiveness right away at the end of 3 months: the hormones have just depleted to a degree where you have a higher possibility of getting pregnant. So I wouldn't worry too much.

Q: I have recently been diagnosed with personality disorder extreem. I have black outs. I hear voices. I see things that aren't real. I am violent in these states. I was recently arrested for trying to kill my mother because from wht I'm told. I was afraid tht she was trying to poison me and wasn't my mom. I don't respond well to the medication it makes me violently ill. I am lucid right now. Please i don't can't live like this its like the real sane me gets trapped deep inside and can't find a way out. Please I've tried all the treatments/meds. I just want out. Please no bullshit answer I need. To know
Believe it or not, I've been where you are. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, OCD and anxiety early this year.

2 years ago, I wandered out into a huge snowstorm in the middle of the night without a coat because I was convinced that my fiance and psychiatrist were trying to kill me. They had to call the police to get me. I ended up being hospitalized for 2 weeks. I used to have blackouts, hallucinations and violent rages, and I've attempted suicide on several occasions, most recently last year around this time. So don't think I'm giving you self-righteous B.S.

You need to stay on your medication until you can get an appointment with your psychiatrist. If you stop taking it, that will make you feel even worse, because most medications for neurological conditions have terrible withdrawal side effects. Make notes as to what effects the medication is having on you and when. When you see your doctor, you have to tell them that it's making you feel ill. They may be able to combine with another medication, start you on another (there's no way you've taken every single option out there) or offer a way to help keep the one you're on from making you sick. If you're not happy with their advice, find another doctor who will listen to you.

If you feel that you are a danger to yourself or others, head to the emergency room, let them know and voluntarily commit yourself. I know it's a hard thing to do, but it can help you in ways you could never imagine. I did it, and it's why I'm here, giving you advice right now. You'll get round-the-clock supervision, a chance to rest and rebuild. I took DBT classes (dielectic behavioural therapy) while I was there to help me learn how to control my borderline disorder.

Suicide is not the answer. I know what you're dealing with, and I understand that you have to deal with it for life. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it will go away. But you know what? It does get better. Once you're on the right meds and have the right skills for coping, you will be able to live a relatively normal life, just like anyone with a disease does. Should someone with diabetes kill themselves? Not at all... even though diabetes can cause horrible symptoms, with proper treatment and monitoring you can live a happy, productive, long life.

If you need anything at all, feel free to inbox me.


Q: My wife had her minstreal cycle last week and 2 days after her cycle had ended it started again .but this time she is bleeding realy bad her pads are drenced with blood and she goes through 3 pads every 2 hours .ther are other things two like we haven't had sex in almost 2 years because she said it hurts too bad but when we did have sex in the past she would bleed afterwards .she is 33 years old so I don't think it menopause she's too young for that .so I don't know what it is .should she go to see a doctor .I think she does and I told her she needs to go and I would be by her side but I thinks she's afraid .how do I convince her to go .or does anyone out here have any clue as to what is going on with her .
I'm no doctor, but as a fellow woman I can tell you that she needs to see one!

If your wife is bleeding that heavily, it's possible that she's miscarrying or that there's another serious medical issue. She could be putting herself at risk of anemia or worse by not seeing a doctor ASAP.

Q: so , my guy asked me , what are you doing today? and i said im going to the store , and I asked him want to come? and he said , no he cant leave the house.. because of his thumb and he doesnt want to make it worse... , apparently he never told me , but he hurt it a few days ago and im like did you go to the doctors? he said yes , the military doctor... and either way he still went to work and he's telling me he can't meet up with me... and he doesnt talk to me as much and he wasnt responding and he replied later '' i was sleeping and woke up because of all the buzzin ,lol jeeze dont panic''
is this an excuse? is it worth it?
We can't make snap judgments about your relationship because of one side of an isolated incident.

My advice to you would be to take a chill pill, relax and just see where things are instead of trying to read meaning into every time he can't hang out or answer his texts immediately. Chances are he's busy. He's working, right? Maybe he just didn't want to go to the store. We don't know.

If you're constantly freaking out about his every move, your relationship will be miserable for the both of you. If you really are concerned about a pattern that he's developed (like, say, not seeing you for a month) then you should talk to him. Let him know what you're feeling about the situation and see where he stands on the issue.

Q: how old must you be to get a job in pennsylvania?
According to the Pennsylvania Department of Labour and Industry,

"Minors under 14 years of age may not be employed or permitted to work in any occupation, except children employed on farms or in domestic service in private homes. No minor under 14 years of age may be employed on a farm by a person other than the farmer. Under certain restrictions, caddies may be employed at the age of 12, news carriers at 11 years of age, and juvenile performers in the entertainment field at the age of 7. Minors and infants may be in the cast of a motion picture if special permit is obtained."

So you have to be at least 14 unless you're working in a private home, on a farm, on a golf course, doing a paper route or acting.

Q: im trying to get cardboard stand ups of singers i like including Elton John how can i do that and where can i get one
I'm afraid it's not something I've ever purchased, but if you google "cardboard cutouts" and your country, you should be able to find an online store that delivers to your area.

bio
NinjaNeer
My Personal Forum

My name is Amanda and I'm 26 years old. I'm currently studying electrical engineering. Armed with a fairly odd sense of humour and a sunny outlook on life, I'll take on just about anything. I'm also cussedly stubborn, which has its ups and downs. Things get tough sometimes, and I've never been one to run from it.

In my last 8 years with Advicenators, I've gone from honours student to failing out of university (and getting back on top again!), from single to married, from tenant to homeowner.

Until lately, I have been struggling with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and OCD, which had basically ruined my life and taken just about everything from me. I'm thankful every day for every experience I've had because of this ordeal, because it's helped to make me who I am today. Things like that really make you appreciate what you do have. Now that I'm back in work and school and starting to become myself again, I couldn't be happier. I credit Advicenators with saving my life back when I was a teenager, which is a big part of why I'm still here.

I won't necessarily give you the answers you want to hear, but I'll always be honest and do my best to help.

Info
Gender:
Female

Location:
Ontario, Canada

Occupation:
Student

Age:
26

Member Since:
February 14, 2006

Answers:
2207

Last Update:
September 26, 2016

Visitors:
92734

Main Categories:





Favorite Columnists















layout by Adam Particka

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
humorist-workshop

eXTReMe Tracker