Your ex may think that the only reason you are over him is because of another guy. He does not care about you, so much as he is just curious for the sake of his ego. If it happens again, then directly ask what the friend wants or at least say Hello, Can I help you?. Don't let them play games with you. You are right not to try to contact him and get him to take you back. He is not worth it and you need to move on. It sounds like you need to realize too, that no one can string you along without your permission. You let him have all the cards in that relationship. Never give a guy all that power over you again. I would not let him come back even if he begged, which he won't, because he only wants to be in control and not give anything in return. You don't need that, and I am glad he dumped you. Now you have a real chance at letting a man love you and not just take advantage of you. First though, you need to decide for yourself, that you won't let yourself fall for another guy like that. We tend to be drawn to the same people over and over again, unless we make great effort to change within. Take this opportunity to examine your soul.

There are online support groups and here are a couple good ones to start:


http://groups.msn.com/breakupsurvival/links.msnw

http://relationshipdirectory.com/breakups.html

The reason you are still trying to prove yourself to "her" by putting all this effort out and driving yourself crazy, is because you really are trying to get over being rejected. It is not just the loss of her, but the huge feeling of worthlessness you feel that is compelling you to fill that void with everything, and you are depressed because nothing is working. I am glad nothing is working, and you should be, too. If you were able to fill that void so easily, you might move on over and over again without realizing the real problem. Now you have a chance to look at the root cause of all your pain. You put all of your sense of worth into another person's approval, like you did when you were little. I am guessing you experienced at least one parent that did not approve of you easily and you had little validation outside of this person's approval. Without someone to take the place of this person, you feel lost. Was your girlfriend similar to this parent in the realm of being hard to please? This would explain why everything you do is still for her, but she is not around to approve, so you are left alone and depressed. You don't feel loved, because you have defined love as something that is only real when it is hard to get. Eventually you have two options, but not the two you mentioned. One, find another girl to replace her, one that is also representative of one of your parents and makes you feel worthwhile for your efforts by her approval, which will not come easy, but remember, it is the hard to get that drives you. Two, examine the relationships you had and the definitions of love and approval you learned from others as a child. Commit yourself to expanding or even rejecting some of these limiting definitions and reclaim yourself as a person who is already worthwhile and does not need to be trapped by the past. One of many books that will help you in this journey, is by Dr. Harville Hendrix, called, GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT. It may trasform you, free you!

I don't know what it is they think you are doing that would stress her out, but if you can think of anything, then let me know. Being mad is okay, as long as you are not destructive with it. When we act out of anger or carry it to long, we mostly end up hurting ourselves and alienating others. Guilt is what they are really trying to put on you, probably to control you somehow. Tell them guilt won't work, because your conscience is clean as far as your grandma is concered. If they continue to blame you, and you know that you are not causing stress, then try to ignore them and not give them any indication that they may be right. If you let them provoke you into doing something out of anger, then they will say, "See you are the problem." So, don't give in to the provocation.

Don't let a little thing like flirting get in the way of what you want. Is flirting to you just talking and laughing or is he all over them in a disgusting way? Let him know that you are interested in more than being a flirtation by asking him out! Yeah, sometimes there is a lot of competition, but all that matters in the end is getting to be with the one you want.

You have a better chance of getting him back if you get over him, but getting over him, will make it pointless to get him back. The questions you ask are in opposition and unlikely for both to occur, so focus on one. Loss and rejection will feel horrible and what you are experiencing is normal and no matter how you feel now, I promise and I guarantee that it will pass. After you have grieved him and get past the hurt feelings, you will find yourself a bit annoyed with him and mad, and then be glad to be rid of him. Then, you will not care at all, and realize it has been a whole day, a week and then a month, before you thought of him again. If a new guy attracts you, this process may go quickly, but it is important that you do go through all stages. This is not about getting him back, but getting through it and becoming better for it. Anyone who does not want to be with you, is really not someone you want. What you want is for them to change their mind, but we cannot change anyone. If you can remember yourself before him and picture yourself as a happy single who is desirable and fun, then you are on your way. He may or may not miss you enough to get back together, but either way, you are better off not focusing on him, but on you and your own journey.

Updated***
Thankyou for your reply and I wish you the best. This relationship may not be a total loss if you and she can agree on what you both want out of it, and start from there. All of us have weaknesses, and that is why we need to use self-prescribed boundaries that will protect us from more than we can handle.

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It is all subjective really. To some this would be shocking and to others it would be pretty tame. Many young adults your age are doing a lot more than that and have been for years. I don't think one needs to make sexuality a part of dating, and it sounds like this young woman has found a way to compromise. She wants to protect her values as far as virginity is concerned, but feels she must give guys some sort of sexual experience or they will not date her. I certainly would not judge her for this! Normal dating behavior has changed with each generation and is different depending on where you live and what you believe. You cannot be thinking that she is not a "nice" girl, unless you want to be a major hypocrite. It is not her fault that you are unexperienced in dating and sexuality. If you wanted a girl that did not do that, then you should not have accepted again and again. You are not against it morally, you are merely being jealous and possessive, something you have no right to be. She is not promiscuous and obviously has high standards for herself, and has probably had to really stand up for herself against guys that pressured her for much more. It is an unfair fantasy that a woman will be a slut for you and a holy untouchable for anyone else, as if you alone gave her sexuality, while you feel free from any judgement of yourself. Women have every opportunity thrown at them constantly for sex from just about every guy they see, and the reason women do not jump at those opportunities like a guy certainly would, is that women are judged unfairly for being sexual, and women have throughout all of history had to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy, rape, stereotypes, and judgement from hypocrites. Sorry, but you will get no sympathy from me. You had better rethink your judgement, or you are sure to lose her and other opportunities to date real women.

No you are not dumb at all. It is a good idea to keep your eyes wide open, though. Love can make us blind. For your sake, I hope he is telling you the whole truth and is worth your love.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You really need to talk to someone, even a doctor, police, teacher, counselor, pastor, anyone that you trust about the rape. Even if you are a strong girl, it is your right to be protected and helped, not protect others. No part of the rape was your fault....NO PART OF THE RAPE WAS YOUR FAULT. If you try to abort the baby yourself, you will be putting your health and life in jeopardy. Abortion can only safely be done by a trained doctor. It might make a big difference in getting support from your folks, if you tell them the real truth about the rape. Do not let anyone else make a decision that is yours alone. You do have a legal right to get an abortion without your parent's permission. Some states require parental notification, but you need to at least go to a clinic and talk to someone who knows all the facts for helping you make your own decision and getting support. Your boyfriend is trying to help you, and is sweet, but this is your life decision and no one else's. You need to get as much information about your choices as you can, so you will be educated and informed with all the facts and make a choice you can live with. Give your parents a chance to support your decision, but if they still don't, promise me you will talk to a real doctor/go to a free clinic and not ever try to abort the pregnancy yourself. It is terrible dangerous and can be lethal! Get back to me if you need more advice about anything. I'll be here for you.

That is a big difference at your age level. In several years, it will not matter. Sex is an issue that will come up even if it has not yet. A boy soon to be an 18yr old man will want sex and find it somewhere. I don't think you are ready for that yet and you should not be put in a position where you will be pressured. It is more likely that you will have sex with him earlier than you would have normally with a guy your age.
Any caring parent would know this and be concerned. They may take legal action if you go against their wishes, in an effort to protect you if they feel it necessary. If you do start having sex or are thinking about it, please seek protection. Condoms used properly everytime will help protect you from pregnancy and stds. It is illegal for a minor to have sex with a legal adult, even if both parents were fine with the two of you having a relationship. Lots of risks and trouble can come from being with an older guy right now. Is it worth it?

Seeing a beautiful piece of art, a sunset, or a person is just admiring...sometimes envying their beauty. It does not make you anything, but normal. Even if you had a gay fantasy or experience, it does not make you gay. People are curious about everything, sexuality not excluded. If you discover that you consistently prefer romantic/sexual relationship with the same sex or both sexes, you can make a clearer judgement. Two girls in a relationship may not be right for you, but we do not have the right to judge what is right for others on that personal level.

It makes no difference if you are male or female, straight or gay, violence is violence! Both of you are being violent with one another and in a very destructive relationship. Self-defense is not kicking someone when they are down, so you need to own up to your part in this, even if you did not start the fight. You need to severe this relationship like you would a foot with gangrene. If you don't, it will continue to destroy you in numerous ways. This is NOT LOVE. You may have had feelings of love in the beginning, but chances are that there were things you overlooked that now have become painfully clear. Cut your losses now! Love yourself, and real love will find you.

It means that unless you want to wait a few years and waste them pining away on him, take it as a nice turn-down for now. Give up on him for a while and have fun dating guys that are close to your age and know a good thing when they see it!

Don't ever use a girl for that or mess with someone's heart. Date only the one you really like, or at least try for her first. No prior experience needed!!! Just be attentive and respectful.

The lesson here is be more assertive next time. Maybe he thought you were not interested and this other girl was making it known to him that she is interested. Let him know how you feel before they get serious, and don't let this happen again!

Ahhh...she is playing you! Her boyfriend is not the problem, she is. She could leave him and be with you can't she? Why doesn't she? Think about the excuses and if they really are valid. If she is confused, then tell her you will make it easy for her. She needs to know that she can't use you anymore. Either she picks you or him and makes a commitment. No more letting her have her cake and eat it, too. Right now her ego is being fed at your expense. Quit feeding her.

Make it clear to him, your parents, your teachers, whoever is around, that you are being bugged by him and you won't take it anymore. If he continues to pursue you then it is harassment and he needs to be reported to at least your school authorities.

He will have the other girl he luvs to comfort him, so don't worry. Start looking for a guy that knows the meaning of love, not luv.

He is going to have to set some boundaries. Every choice we make is like saying yes to one thing and no to something else. You are putting up with him saying yes to being nice to her, while he is saying no to the two of you having time together without her interruptions. His stress is caused really by himself and not her. She is the outside annoyance, but if he wanted to feel good about setting a boundary he could and then there would be no stress. Stress comes in when we are CONFLICTED. In other words he can't make up his mind and he is doing to typical guy thing...avoiding conflict at all cost! This is not about her, as much as it is about his ability to deal with conflict, and if she magically disappeared tomorrow, there would still be his problem. It may not show up for a while, but it would again and again in different ways, unless he changes. If you want to be with him, you either have to put up with his fear, and call it being nice and keep blaming others, or call him on what it really is, and support his making steps to set boundaries and demand respect for himself. Otherwise people will always take advantage of him and he will choose to let them. (You will want to steer way clear of this kind of man in the future when picking a husband.)

You don't have to play hard to get, but a little challenge can be arousing. My advice is to stick to being not too easy to get. Keep the focus on giving a little and not a lot away and keep the interest flowing slowly. Playing too hard to get can easily backfire because of the miscommunication. You don't need to be deceptive, but you do need to go slow and maintain a little mystery for a while.

Our feelings give us our internal wellness measurement, and yours are telling you that you are in an unhealthy situation. Welcome the information that you are feeling as a clue that something needs to change. This boyfriend most likely has been unfaithful or at the very least untruthful. No one does what he did out of panic, and if he was afraid of the truth, the truth is that he cheated in the first place. Either way, he is pretty guilty, and the worst of it is that he is lying to you and making up excuses for his behavior. You deserve better and you know this! Your depression over this situation will worsen the longer you try to make yourself believe his lies and excuses, because you can't really trick yourself without consequence to yourself. He has many problems, and right now you have to purge yourself of his deceit and see him for who he really is. Look at his actions, and they will speak the truth. Don't listen to any more lies. You will do much better without him in your life, and you deserve to feel happy and whole.

"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable. To say something you value deeply to another and to have him or her value it equally by listening to it carefully and apppreciatively is the most universal way of exchanging social interest or demonstrating affection." David Augsburger, CARING ENOUGH TO HEAR AND BE HEARD.


All sincere persons will be given thoughtful examination and reply. Please be specific about your situation as it applies to your question, the applicable information and facts necessary for me to properly assess your situation and give you the benefit of my knowledge and experience, which includes: experience/education with mentoring, relationship study, self help, spirituality, poetry, literature, philosophy, psychology, color theory, teaching, parenting, and debate that will be used to your advantage. I am concerned with offering an objective and realistic perspective more than ratings, because this will help YOU. Artificial sweetness is found in diet soda, not in my advice. If you feel that I did not understand your question or need more specifics to help, please let me know, but while all truth is subjective, questioners should be mature enough to hear answers not necessarily agreed with. If you are only looking for someone to tell you just what you want to hear, then you may not be ready for my advice. I believe in personal responsibility, self and other awareness and your power and ability to recreate and redirect your own life. All our misery and joy begins and ends within ourselves, but our willingness to be open can bring the positive or negative energy we seek. If you or someone you know is open to positive help, the resources and caring individuals needed are available now.

http://www.coolnurse.com/

http://www.4woman.gov/violence/

http://www.childhelpusa.org/about/programs-and-services/childhelp-national-child-abuse-hotline-1-800-4-a-child

drug/alcohol abuse help go here: http://www.4drugabuse.com/addiction-treatment.html

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/1800-273-TALK(8255)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With over 120 crisis centers across the country, our mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential. -----------------------------------

http://www.kidscrisis.com/

http://www.teenadviceonline.org/gethelp/numbers.html

You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline, operated by RAINN, 24 hours a day, free & confidential. 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

For info. on birth control etc.
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

The Girls and Boys Town National Hotline is the only hotline that children and parents can call with any problem at any time:
Open 24-hours a day, every day at 1-800-448-3000

Spanish-speaking counselors available; translation services for 100+ languages

TTY line available for the hearing-impaired at 1-800-448-1833

Counselors can help find services and agencies in the callers' local community

Help at the End of the Line
Callers talk to highly-trained, professional counselors who listen and give "right now" answers. They're sympathetic people who have expertise dealing with these and other problems:

depression

suicide

running away

parenting problems

relationship concerns

physical, sexual, and emotional abuse

chemical dependency

mental health

anger

aggressive behavior

Toll Free
Operated by Father Flanagan's Boys' Home, hotline services are free of charge to every parent and child in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, U.S. territories, and Canada.

Toll-Free: 1-800-448-3000

http://www.sex-ed101.org/links.html

http://www.anorexicweb.com/anorexicweb.html

Report Child Abuse
Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD TDD: 1-800-2-A-CHILD



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All our motivations stem from two: Love or Fear. When in turmoil or indecision, ask yourself from which of these you are acting. If you want an honest response outside of yourself, you need to first be honest within yourself. Bless you on your journey!

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