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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for 2 years and soon to be 2years and 3 months . But the thing is, I feel I'm still stuck on my ex . I don't always think about him but sometimes it bugs me that were not together. Me and my ex only talk like on mine and his bday.I had him for a class this school year and I feel he still likes me because he would look at me often .... but then he has a gf.... this upcoming year were both going to be seniors and might not see each other m his birthday is coming up . Should I invite somewhere public so we can juts talk for the last time or so I can tell him my mixed feeling or should I just have a long conversation on his birthday witch is july31st. ? I know it may be wrong at some point but I feel if I talk through all this with him and ask if he ever thinks of me. I will have to move on . I need to .I love my bf but like I said I often think about my ex here and there ....btw me and my ex broke up on goof terms we dated when we were 8th grade and broke up on half of freshmen year and now we're both going to be seniors
The Answer
Moving on isn't something that you magically feel. It's a choice about how to behave.
It's okay to think about your ex, and your past, but that doesn't mean what you are thinking about doing it okay.
Honestly, talking to him about your mixed feelings now, years later, while you are both in relationships with others, is disrespectful of both your ex and your current boyfriend.
Also, it's not going to help you move on either. It's just going to make you fixate even more on the past. Your problems will likely get worse, not better.
If what you truly want is to create a friendship with your ex, then by all means reach out to him, get his email, and try to stand friends in the future.
BUT, that's not what you've said here. You don't say you want to be friends.
If what you want is to talk about the past, just don't. After two years, moving on is your job, not something he can give to you. Making him spend hours with you, on his birthday, talking about a relationship that ended two years ago, isn't at all a kind or respectful plan.
It's okay to think about your past from time to time. There is nothing wrong with that, but for goodness sake take a moment and think about other people's feelings as well. Think about your exes discomfort and confusion at having this conversation foisted on him years later. Think about your own boyfriend and how he would feel if you talked out your deepest feelings with your ex, rather than speaking to him.
If you want to build a friendship with your ex, put your past behind you. If you are struggling to put the past behind you, recognize that is something you need to work on personally, not something your ex has to help you with, and probably not even something you ex CAN help you with.
You have some more work to do sorting out your own feelings, and what it is you want from any sort of contact with your ex, before it is fair and respectful to approach him with your expectations.
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The Question
A few weeks back, my father bought me a plane ticket to Pennsylvania so i can visit my LDR partner of 6 months. (I'm 16 y/o)
My mom doesn't want me to go, since i would be traveling alone and would be staying with them for almost a week by myself, and we've never met offline before (I've known them for just about a year online and we have video chatted on skype countless times and both my dad and i have met their mother and spoken with her more than once). My parents are divorced and i stay with my dad practically full time, even though i'm not supposed to, but i'll get into that later. Anyways, this is why my mother was not included in the decision of purchasing the plane ticket in the first place.
My mother got a judgement at the court house saying that I'm not allowed to leave the state, to prevent me from going. However, my dad spoke with lawyer who said that my mother made it sound like my dad and i are trying to move to PA, which is how she got the judgement, and that if we explain what's really going on that I should be allowed to go. We have a court date in 11 days (as of july 4th) to decide if i will be allowed to leave the state.
What i'm concerned about, is that i believe my mother has told the judge that we have not been following the custody arrangement (due to my dad helping me escape her abusive household, although she did not tell him that), and i'm worried that because of that, the judge will want to punish us and say i cannot go to PA because we haven't been following the custody arrangement. Could this happen? Is it likely to happen? What does the outcome look like it might be? (I'd prefer answers from people who have experience with this sort of thing, but all answers are welcome) Thank you very much!!
The Answer
It's unlikely that the judge will 'punish' you. It's possible, but family courts are more about enforcing existing agreements and the rights of the children and both parents. They are not really about doling out punishments, certainly not against you, the child.
It is possible the judge will not allow you to go because allowing you to go—without your mother's agreement to it—is against the custody agreement she has with your father, or against general laws regarding shared custody.
If the custody order says you need your mother's permission to travel a certain distance, or out of state, the judge will probably uphold that, and your father will face possible punishment if he allows you to go without her agreement.
A judge may be able to understand, easily enough, that your father and you don't intend on moving to PA permanently, but that doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to go.
Just tell the truth, and let your father handle the rest of it.
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The Question
I'm turning 16 soon and I like a 17 year old exchange student who will be here until March 2017.
We speak most nights on Facebook (I've almost always been the first to talk) and his English is quite good but there is some mistranslations here and there. I have never actually spoken to him in real life, I tend to avoid eye contact with him, but we have smiled at eachother and he brought it up as a Conversation starter.
Last night was Prom night and I didn't end up going because I'm a year below. He asked if I was going to go next year and I said I think I would and he replied with "I hope you'll go with your boyfriend haha" (RIP)
But at the after party he had gotten quite drunk and befriended my brother and they hung out most of the night. So my brother and best friend were telling me how he would add in random Japanese words into his sentences due to how drunk he was. I had mentioned it to him and he denied the fact and said he didn't even drink much (if he is lying, why would he?). And My brother told me how a girl had approached him and tried to hook up but he quickly pushed her away by her shoulders.
I realise I'm probably nothing more than a friend or more appropriately an acquaintance, but is it useless having this crush on him?
The Answer
It's gonna be useless unless you say something.
If he has no damn clue you might be into him (and he might not, if you won't speak to him in person or make eye contact) then you aren't 'friendzoned'. You are just silent.
You might need to speak up, if you want this to be more than just a secret crush.
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The Question
I was wondering how common it is for a husband who wants his wife to have sex with other men and a wife as in my case actually does do it. During the last several years I have had sex with several men at my husband's request. The past two years I have been with the same lover and am intimate with him several times a week. I have, with my lover's permission, created several videos of us having sex and my husband has watched them prior to us having sex. I would have never imagined that I would have ever done something like this however it is enjoyable for me and am glad I agreed to it.
The Answer
Cuckolding or wife-sharing is a rather common fantasy for men to report having. Some studies have even shown it to be the most common fantasy out there among men, even above things like threesomes with two women... So thinking about this is not uncommon for husbands.
Of course, that doesn't mean a very large number of couples actually act on those fantasies. Some, probably even most, people enjoy their fantasies in their own mind far more than they enjoy actually acting them out in real life.
As long as you are all consenting and safe, there is no reason not too.
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The Question
Hey there. I'm a 21 year old female and I have struggled with bulimia off and on for about 4 years. It started when I got to college and used it as a way to deal with stress. I was dating a guy at the time and he was the only one who realized that I had a problem because I was mostly bulimic with anorexic periods mixed in so it was pretty easy to hide and I got very good at it. Leaning on my boyfriend and only my boyfriend made me very dependent on him. I should have seeked help much earlier on but refused to admit that it was a real problem until after we broke up. In a way I think this issue was part of our breakup. I have never been in counseling but I confused in my doctor and he will often put me on a very mild dose of Prozac when I'm going through a stressful time because my bulimia only really surfaces when I am stressed out even though I work out every day and do other stress management practices, I suffer from pretty intense anxiety and I really like the months that I'm on the Prozac but don't like being dependent on medicine. I'm not sure all of this is relevant. I suppose I just don't want to get any responses that urge counseling or other suggestions related to the bulimia because it is not really what I'm asking here.
My problem is I have been with my current boyfriend for quite some time now and he is the love of my life. But I keep these issues from him. Granted, the majority of our relationship I have had it under control and been completely free of bingeing and purging. I have been starting to struggle recently and have told my two closest friends and discussed starting on the medication again. And I feel guilty. Like I'm lying to him by not telling him what's going on. It's a deeply personal issue and I am so scared to tell him and have it ruin our relationship like the last one. And I know I know, if it's truly meant to be he should be able to work with me/support me blah blah I know this... But it's so difficult to work up the courage to tell him. It's the worst thing about myself and I don't talk about it anyone, ever, anymore besides my doctor or to let my friends know I'm back on medication (my doctor said this is a safe thing to do for antidepressants). I guess I'm asking if this is something that I truly need to tell him... and if it is, how? Because I physically don't feel able.
Any suggestions appreciated.
The Answer
If you want to be with this person, in the long run, then yes, you have to tell him. If you want to build a life with him, this is information he needs to have. Not so he can make judgements or even so he can support you—I say it's totally fine not to really want his support on this—but he deserves an honest partnership where serious problems aren't silenced or ignored.
Try to find a way to tell him. Write a letter or an email if you need too.
If you continue to feel physically unable to discuss this with him, THAT is a problem to discuss with a counsellor. Because that physical inability to discuss something serious and meaningful with your romantic partner will definitely ruin relationships for you, this one or future ones. Even if you have a treatment plan and approach that is working for the eating disorder, if the anxiety also makes it impossible for you to manage your most important relationships, that is something counselling can help you with.
In the end, the answer to your question is yes, he needs to know this. Not just because 'if he's the right one he'll understand' or 'he'll love and support you' or 'you deserve his support', it's more basic than that: He deserves honesty about issues that have, and will, affect your life and your lives togeather. Maybe he doesn't need all the gory details. Maybe it's fair to ask him to trust you manage this with your doctor, and to please not get too involved... but not telling him is not fair.
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The Question
23/f, 29/m
My boyfriend spoke highly of his ex-girlfriend, also complained a lot about her, mentioned her many times before, she became quite a bit of a problem in our 2-year relationship.
He has broken my trust a few times, lied to me about talking to her a few times, etc. Right now he's being secretive and he's hiding me. Every time he had spoken to her, she had shut down the conversation or had refused to see or talk to him in person.
Because of that, I sensed that there was more to the breakup story than he had told me. He had told me that she wanted to "experience the college life" when they broke up. But I caught his message to her when he wanted to meet with her in person to "make things right" she said that she wasn't comfortable with the conversation or comfortable talking with him in person and that whatever he needed to say can be said online. Otherwise, the conversation between them was very brief. She seemed to have boundaries set up, which I appreciate.
For the longest time, even though I'm envious of her... Part of me really wanted to speak with her. Not to attack her in any way, but just to ask her a few questions like what really happened and to ask if he was also kind of rude and treated her badly (he treats me badly sometimes/debating whether or not if it's emotional abuse). If the answer was yes, that would make a lot of sense.
Especially since he spoke to her inappropriately while him and I were dating, it's almost as if she has the right to know. It's weird to say that I trust her more than I trust him, even though I don't know her. But she handled each situation really well.
The reason why I haven't reached out to her is:
1) It's weird
2) I feel like it's rude to reach out to her and ask her something personal when I don't know her
3) It'd be creepy
4) I'm afraid my boyfriend will find out.
I have her number so nothing would get screenshot if I called her... Even though that seems stalker-ish, but I feel like it's going to keep bothering me until I call her. Especially since i don't think I will get a straight answer from my boyfriend.
What should I do?
The Answer
Trust your rational mind here.
It IS rude. It's unkind. Best case scenario is that it puts her in an uncomfortable position. Worse case is that it brings up painful memories that really screw up her day or week.
It's also not fair to your boyfriend. I mean, clearly you have lots of reasons not to trust him, but nevertheless, the correct way to deal with an untrustworthy boyfriend is to deal directly with him. Not to sneak around and ask his friends, or his family, or ex-girlfriend, what is going on. Even if your boyfriend is being shitty, you should still hold yourself to a higher standard of behaviour than reaching out to this ex.
Here is the real issue: Reaching out to her probably won't give you what you want. Chances are that she does have a different perspective and understanding of the break up then your boyfriend. It's really rare that two people break up and they both agree about how it happened! Her perspective won't be 'The Truth' even if you trust her more than your boyfriend. It'll still just be her perspective and her memory.
More than anything here, it sounds like you need a friend. You need someone you can talk to honestly about the fact your boyfriend is dishonest and you are worried that he is abusive. She can't tell you 100% if he's abusive or not, and even if she does, you can only believe if you choose too.
I'd really recommend that you take everything you want to say to this ex-girlfriend, and talk it over really honestly with your friends or a close family member. Don't try to protect your boyfriend or apologize for him, just be honest about what you are experiencing and worrying about. If you need a second opinion about the impact your relationship is having on you, ask the people who love you. You'll never know the absolute, 100% truth of a person's past—even when they are totally honest with you—but the past isn't your problem here.
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The Question
I feel like I am losing the most important relationship of my life and I don't know what I can do.
I am 25 years old woman and I've been studying with my acting coach Jason for over 10 years. It all began when he cast me in my first-ever play at the age of 14. From that moment on, I became hooked on theatre and never looked back. Over the years, Jason has been without question the most important person I've known. As a teenager, he was my everything. I have never had a single friend in my entire life and he was the only person who cared about me and believed in me. As a teacher, Jason was absolutely invaluable in helping me develop monologues and prepare for auditions. Honestly I can't think of where I would be if it weren't for everything he's given me.
However, over this past year I've noticed him taking a backseat in our lessons together. In the past, he would've done everything he could to help me step up my work, but lately he seemed to be content just to sit back and throw out suggestions. It certainly has nothing to do with him losing his teaching/directing abilities..... I saw him very recently, in a play we did together, coach an opera singer with no acting skill to speak of and help her get to where she needed to be for the performance. It just feels like for some reason, he's been unable or unwilling to do for me what he had in the past. If I found myself stuck and asked for further help, he would get angry and offended and upset. He would turn the whole thing around and make it all about himself and his feelings, and increasingly I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells in our coachings. Finally one day we had a blowout fight when I was struggling in a monologue and told him that I wasn't feeling supported by him. At the end of the hour, he apologized for his behavior and we made up. But after that, I went into every one of our lessons with a bit of trepidation; I wasn't sure how he was going to act or whether or not we would have to have an unpleasant conversation in order to get him to be a nurturing teacher again.
I recently got into a highly prestigious MFA acting program in a different part of the country. After I got my acceptance letter, I decided it was a good time to end my work with Jason. I told him that I just wanted to take a break from our lessons because I was so worn out from all the recent auditions. He agreed that a hiatus was a good idea.
In truth I have no intention of going back to study with him.... now that I'm about to enter an extraordinarily demanding master's program in September, there's really no need to continue coaching. It's gotten to a point where he just isn't serving me well anymore as a teacher. I plan to tell him that I can't afford to see him anymore because my manager is cutting back my hours at my current day job. But the thing is, I'm getting the weird feeling that he's avoiding me. He hasn't returned any of my phone calls in nearly a month, which is extremely odd for him. Jason is usually very prompt about calling back. The one time I did get ahold of him, his manner was completely different. He said, "hi, what can I do for you?" It's not that he was aloof or formal or anything, it's just that that's the way he would probably talk to any acquaintance. Whenever I've seen him in rehearsals, he is warm and friendly to me like he is to everyone, but I'm not sensing the same rapport that we used to.
I still love Jason so very much and the idea that he might be icing me out is seriously devastating. Also I am so scared of moving so far away without anyone that I'll be able to call if things happen. Jason was my sole source of emotional support all these years and I can't imagine my life without him. What can I do?
The Answer
I can absolutely understand why this is upsetting to you... however, all I can see here is that he feels the same way you do: Your work has come to a natural end. He may also be struggling with how to deal with that, and how to approach you now.
What you are calling his 'icing you out' is not all that different than your plan to tell him you can't afford to see him, when in fact, you don't really want to see him as your coach anymore. It may be upsetting to you, but it seems reasonable to assume that he feels the same, and doesn't want to be your coach.
Now that your coaching relationship has come to an end, a friendship, a real friendship between two people could develop over time, but it's not going to suddenly be there. That rapport is over, you'll need to build a new one with him.
If you want to maintain this relationship, and develop a real adult friendship, then call him up and invite him to dinner, or to see a show with you. Invite him out like you would a friend.
Change is scary. It's okay that is' scary. You're facing a lot of change all at once. Your relationship with Jason must change now too—you aren't his client anymore. If you want to be his friend, that's going to take some time, and he's going to have to want the same thing. It's possible that he doesn't want that. You'll need to speak up and ask.
The only way you'll know is to reach out and try to build a friendship. My advice would be to start now, before there is a greater physical distance between you as well.
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The Question
Hi I'm Jay, so I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now, he's 18 and I'm 16 and I don't know if it's me but I just have a small feeling my boyfriend is little bit too controlling. He always tells me that I'm a child and that I act grown and if i joke around and say he's a child too he gets a bit defensive and claims he's not a child and that's he's grown. Whenever I might express something or do something he doesn't do or agree with he tells me i need to get it together, and i feel it's like his line for me like he tells me this more than he says he loves me but i know he does, and he says it as if i dont have my life in one piece and i do and for some reason he finds it necessary to tell me that more than once weekly that i dont have it together. I dont know if that's considered controlling at all. But another thing when it comes to us like having sex or anything sexual he likes it when i call him daddy and i don't really mind it, but sometimes when he asks me to do something and i say no he'll be like i seem to be forgetting who daddy is in the relationship and that its not me it's him. I feel like he shouldn't bring that into everyday things because i feel like he's using it over me in the wrong way and situations. So is he controlling or am I overreacting? Any advice is helpful.
The Answer
He is certainly insulting you. Regularly, even though he has every reason to know you don't like it.
Here's the thing: Sometimes people like to date people younger than themselves so they can feel like they are more established, or wiser, or so they can believe they have power over the other person. That's a thing that can happen especially easily in a relationship where there is an age difference.
Even though your age difference isn't much, you are at a time in your lives where things are changing quickly for you. So even though it's only two years, you may be at very different places in your lives. He may have more responsibilities and more 'stuff' to have togeather, than you do at 16.
But that is no excuse for putting you down.
Even if you are actually less mature or less togeather than he is, this is still not an appropriate way for him to hold that over your head. He may ALSO be controlling—I certainly believe that—but from what you say here all I can see clearly is that he insulting and belittling you. He doesn't have to be controlling you as well, for that to be wrong.
Tell him this isn't an acceptable joke anymore. Either he can treat you as full human being, who is worth just as much as he is, with just as much control over her life and just as much respect, or he can shove off.
He's nobodies parent. He's got two measly years on you. If he really thinks he's so mature, the least he can do is stop name-calling.
Don't settle for someone who tells you that you are less than you are.
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The Question
So I am a girl and I've dated 3 guys and 3 girls. I identify as bisexual but have a major preference of girls. I 100% want to end up with a girl in the long term, but I would consider experimenting with guys before settling down- but I don't think I'd ever want to sexually experiment with a guy. And the only guys I have 'crushes' on are celebrities. So if I can be attracted to guys, but only want to end up with a girl- does this mean I'm bi or gay? Opinions would be appreciated- but please no hate. Thanks ^_^
The Answer
It's okay to not be sure.
Most bisexuals don't have perfectly even, 50/50 attraction to men and women. Sexual attraction isn't like being served dinner on a flight where you have to choose the chicken or a steak. It's more like a buffet, where lots of thing might look good you, and a few things may look really good.
If you are experiencing sexual attraction to men, then bisexual is going to be a label that will help other people understand what you mean. If you are sexually uninterested in men, then homosexual might be more helpful to let other people understand.
It's really up to you. It's okay not to know. It's also okay to change the label you use as you better understand yourself. Don't stress over this too much.
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The Question
Razhie,
If you as an advicenator like to give advice, why do you feel the need to criticize people and use objectifying words in your "advice". Sure you can explain your thoughts how it is, and how you feel but using curse words to make a point and belittling issues is not a right way to do so. Now regarding your advice about my car, he already does know the make of both of my cars, I was referring to him asking about the year of my car. I felt this was not important to tell him because he feels that we are always in a competition of who is better. Before giving advice, I would advise you to thoroughly read and try to understand the asker before criticizing and cursing. Will not be monitoring your answers anymore. Good luck.
The Answer
I'm sorry I misunderstood that the problem was solely the year, not the make. I don't really know cars. Honestly, I didn't realize make and year weren't basically the same thing.
Now, understanding that detail better, there is nothing about my advice I need to change, except to substitute the one work for the other. I don't think your car is really the core of the problem here. If he feels the need to keep pushing, and you feel the need to join in the competition you believe is happening by withholding, then that I what I'd call a trust and respect issue. You don't have to agree with me. That's always fine. I've been here long enough to be totally comfortable with that as the nature of advice.
Good luck sorting out this dilemma with your boyfriend.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been arguing about random things lately now and then. I sometimes feel that he is trying to find an excuse, I don't know why. Recently he just asked me about my car, and what year it is. (Its a mercedes s550 2007). I told him I don't think a person's car or what they have is what should be important but the person themselves. I said I don't ask about your car or your business. We had fought about my previous car as well, as he wanted to use it for a few days since I am no longer using that one. I feel like he is always analyzing me and trying to figure something out from my answers. Shouldn't the women be doing this? Anyway, today he asked again and I still did not tell him, I asked what does it matter, it doesn't matter for me. He said it does because it defines your personality and if you don't tell me what year your car is then who knows what you won't tell me later on in life if we get married. I wrote back if it's something important of course I'll tell you but unimportant topics like this shouldn't matter. He went offline. We have been seriously thinking about marriage soon but how would it be if we happen to argue lately about everything and our minds are very confused. I just don't know what to do, and should I tell him my car year (aka feed his egoistic curiosity). I don't know anymore. Thank you...
The Answer
Why do you have so little trust for him, that it's important for you to withhold the make of your car?
That's your problem. You think he's controlling and petty, and he's pretending the make of your car is a serious trust exercise.
You've both lost the plot entirely.
Is this a long distance relationship?
Should you tell him the make of your car? Yeah. If you want to be a relationship with this person why the fuck would you withhold that information? There is nothing to gain by not telling him. It's even more petty and childish. to withhold that, than it is for him to be asking it.
If you don't want to be in a relationship with him, because he asks petty, childish questions and acts like it's the end of the fucking world if you don't care about the answers, that's as good a reason as any to dump a guy.
I don't know why trust has broken down this badly, but if you actually want to fix it, take a deep breath, tell him what the damn model is, and then tell him why this is not acceptable behaviour. The answer to that question isn't the problem. The problem is utter lack of trust and respect you are showing for one another.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I broke up 4 months ago. He ended it with me although I knew things were on the rocks and I knew we both weren't very happy, but I wanted to stick with it. Prior to the break up we had been dating for 6 months in the same state and 4 months long distance before that.
I've been thinking about it a lot, looking back at our relationship as a whole. I was able to see with an open mind what things I could have & should have done differently - things I said, the way I acted, etc. It makes sense that he ended it with me and I can see that now.
We have mutual friends so I have seen him a couple times since the break up. I want him to see how much things have changed on my end and how at peace I am with everything. I'm happy and I'm having fun, but I want to share that with him. We were a great couple that ran into a bumpy road and neither of us were prepared for the "after honeymoon" phase.
I don't know how to go about reaching out to him to talk to him - I feel like it'd be best to talk in person. Do I randomly text him seeing if he'd grab a drink with me? Do I try to gradually start conversation with him? I want to get back together with him and I think he'll feel that spark if he goes into this with an open mind knowing our relationship will be different than the past one - that one ended. This one will be a new/fresh start.
The Answer
If you want to try again, just be honest.
Asking him to grab a drink is a good, direct, honest way to start this conversation.
However, you also need to go into this with a bit more respect and awareness. You need to be 100% open the fact he might not feel the same way. He doesn't owe it to you to even 'keep an open mind'. If he doesn't want to try again, I'd strongly recommend you take a deep breath and let it go. There is no hope at all of this being a good idea, unless both of you are excited and keen to try again.
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The Question
female, 14
I really dislike P.E. classes at school.
I jog outside of school, so it's not like I don't get physical education for the purpose of being healthy and fit, but I really REALLY don't like ball sports, and that is what we play in our physical education classes.
I am not very good at playing ball sports, and I know I can get better at them, but I don't want to, as I just don't find them enjoyable, and I know so many people wouldn't understand it when I say that, but that's just me personally. In terms of basketball, soccer, netball, football, etc. I am just not good at it. I have been doing physical education compulsory classes for about 8-10 years, including primary school years, and I am still not good at the sports we play and don't enjoy them.
I cringe at the thought that I'll have to do P.E. this week, and almost every school week. Sometimes I fake notes from my parents saying I have a sprained ankle or something, to get out of it. Sometimes I go to the nurse's office and say I have a headache to get out of it. Sometimes I ask my parents to write a note for me, because they understand how much I don't like it. This is P.E., it should be enjoyable, but it's not for me. It is definitely something I will be happier without doing.
Not only that, but the teachers don't explain the rules of the game (eg. football), so we just do some drills to develop skills and then play it, with the expectation that we know the rules. So many people in my class are sporty, and it's frustrating when they run circles around me in for example basketball.
It's barely even a source of fitness for me, as I usually just stand there in games, trying to avoid the ball.
I'd much rather spend that time studying or learning, do you think it would be possible to get out of it? If my parents called my school and asked if I could sit in the library (which people do a lot when they have P.E.) and learn or study so I can do something more beneficial to me in that time, would it be acceptable?
Thank you for reading, advice is appreciated!
The Answer
If your parents are willing to support you in this, then there is no harm in trying to have yourself excused.
Unfortunately, it just might not happen. In many places, these really basic sport skills are a learning requirement. Just like people expect you to calculate the distance between two points, the curriculum may well expect you to prove you have some rudimentary throwing and catching skills and an understanding
Nobody ever really argued that math should be 'enjoyable' and that's not really the purpose of P.E. either. Just like any subject in school, they are trying to give every single person a very simple set of skills as a baseline. Also, like any subject, sometimes you have a good teacher and sometimes you have a not so good one.
When I went to high school, you could only get excused from P.E. if you had a regular sports commitment outside of school. For example, I lived on a farm with a horseback riding school where I trained and taught riding. I was excused from P.E. because they decided I was spending a significant enough amount of my free time practicing those sorts of physical skills at an advanced level. At my school, jogging or swimming wouldn't have been enough to get me excused, I had to be teaching and coaching others in order to prove I'd advanced beyond the expectations of a P.E. class.
In the end, if your parents are willing to place that call and ask to have you excused, they may as well. They might not be able to do it, or they might learn about the requirements you need to meet in order to be excused. There is no great harm in asking, although you should be prepared to be told no.
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The Question
I have this friend who told me yesterday that he has feelings for me and he asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him some time. We've been close friends for about 4 years now, but I'm not interested in him at all like that. I told him I'm not interested, sorry,but don't worry this doesn't have to affect our friendship at all. And I genuinely mean that, he's my friend and I'm more than capable of not being awkward just because he has a little crush.
The thing is him telling me this made me think of something that happened a few months ago. A bunch of friends and I went out one night, he was there, and I got pretty drunk, like to the point where when we got back to another friend's house, where we were staying that night, I ended up puking then I passed out on a couch. The next morning when I woke up on the couch, he was lying on the couch next to me. He said he just fell asleep on that couch too, that he was tired and just too lazy to move to another couch, but he hadn't been drinking, he was completely sober, and there were plenty of other empty couches that he could have slept on. He has since, on multiple occasions, made a big deal about how he can only sleep on flat surfaces like beds and how even lying flat out on a couch he can't sleep like that because he's too tall for couches.
At the time I tried not to think too much of it, I didn't have any reason not to believe him, he's a good friend of mine, he said he just fell asleep on the couch, so I just assumed he wasn't lying.
Now I think he took advantage of the fact I was blackout drunk. And I'm angry about that, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable about the whole situation. I feel bad for him, it sucks when you have feelings for someone and they don't feel them back, and he's a good friend of mine, I care about him, I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I feel like what he did was not okay. At all.
So basically I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to him, and I just want advice, I want to know what other people would do in my situation, I want to know if I'm justified in feeling angry about what happened.
The Answer
You're justified in feeling angry and uncomfortable, but at this point, all you can really do is decide if you actually still want to be his friend or not in light of how you now view his behaviour.
Honestly, in your shoes, I'd likely choose to cool down or end the friendship completely. Confronting him or speaking to him about the incident, is unlikely to make anything better between you. It's pretty unlikely he'll acknowledge that he made a very poor choice by taking an opportunity to be that physically close to you while you were blackout drunk. The very best thing that can be said about what he did, was that it was a poor choice, and it could be called much worse than that.
You aren't quite suggesting here than you believe assaulted you. If you don't believe that happened, or are just uncomfortable with the fact you can't know for certain that he didn't, then the best choice is probably to keep yourself safe and stay away from him.
It is okay that the very doubt about what happened, changes the friendship for you. Those feelings are not wrong. Your first job is to keep yourself safe, not make some guy feel okay about a stupid thing he did.
It's okay to both feel sorry for him because he has a crush that doesn't feel the same way, and feel like he's not a person you want to keep close as a friend. Both of those things can be true at the same time.
Also, please ignore Justafriend1234 and their 'friendly' advice about drinking. Getting black out drunk is never a good thing. Everyone fucking knows that. You know that. You don't need people to shame you when you express concern for your safety, because being blackout drunk also NEVER means another person should take advantage of that situation in any way. If you stripped naked and fell down on top of him, he still should have behave respectfully, tried to keep you safe and not taken advantage of the moment to be closer to you then necessary to keep you safe. It's not actually complicated, even though some guys like to pretend that "not being an asshole" is really hard work and confusing. It's not.
Forgiving someone is nearly always the right thing to do, but forgiveness does NOT mean the friendship must continue or be the same as before. Forgiveness just means letting go of anger. It doesn't mean pretending something didn't happen that did.
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The Question
This kid called me weird, and i am autistic and highly offended by it. All i did was tell him about an episode of a show called round the twist where a tree impregnates a young boy, then he called me weird. I tried to tell him that everyone in the world is weird to an extent and that i'm entitled to my opinion but then he began doing a squeaky impression of me. Later on that day, he made fun of me because i said i'd rather date the queen than Ariana Grande (Aparrently she's a popstar, but she can't be that popular if iv've never heard of her). He also looked up the definition of weird in the dictionary, and he said the definition is Chris (my name is Chris. He also said something really ofensive), then I told him that more than 1 person in the world is called Chris, then he told me he was joking,and called me a dumbass because I didn't realise. Also,he randomly made a sex noise, but i randomly made a sex noise he said "Don't beg it" (Just cause he's popular. What an dickhead. He also said something really offensive "Why can't you be normal and be interested in football instead of boys getting pregnant?" Everyone's different so there's no such thing as normal but then i told me to f off. I told him i'd report him but then he said he'd report me even though i haven't done anything. How to get revenge on him when he leasts expects it? (I don't know where he lives so i'd have to get revenge in school)
The Answer
Revenge only works in the movies.
In real life, it just makes you look weak, and mean, and gets you in trouble. I know you might think we're adults, so we just have to stay that, but adults say that, because they tried at some point to take revenge, and it didn't work. It's experience talking.
You'd be better of talking to a teacher about the ongoing bullying. Not even necessarily 'reporting' it, just talking to an adult at school about they think you could handle it or what you should do about it. This kid is a bully, and he's clearly trying to make sure that he's not quite bad enough to get into serious trouble.
Don't try to out-bully the bully. I promise you, that will NEVER actually work.
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The Question
Me and my soulmate have been apart for about a year now. There's like a blockage between us where we can't get back together, it's so hard. I've consulted with many psychics and they've all said there's negative energy around us and it needs clearing in order for us to come back together. The price is ridiculously high. Has one ever had this problem or is anyone educated in this problem? I don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost with no direction. Thank you
The Answer
I know you aren't going to like my answer, but please know it is the most loving answer I can give you.
Stop talking to the evil psychics, who are trying to scam you out of your money! They are either liars and cheats, or delusion. They cannot fix this. They do not have that power. No one does.
There is no negative energy around your relationship that can be solved by strangers. IF there is something that needs to be solved, the two of you need to talk about what the problem is, and agree to work on it togeather.
You need to start, by talking to this person you love about the problem, and make sure you both agree about what the problem is, and that you would like to fix it.
If they do not agree with you about what the problem, or if they don't want to fix it, then no amount of money, or magic, will make it better. That's not negative energy. That's two people who don't agree.
Talk to them! About what you want! About what they want! About how you think you can make it happen!
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The Question
My boyfriend lied to me about this girl. I found that he poked her on facebook and when i confronted him about it- he told me he did it on purpose to see if i was viewing his activity log. I Told him that was childish and that he could have just asked me flat out- but after that i let it go and everything was fine. Then i found him searching her on his phone once and he told me he doesn't even know her and that he just wanted to show his friend someting-- so i let that go too. Then we got into an argument and went a whole day without talking and i see that he sent her a friend request both on instagram and facebook- and when i confronted him and asked him why he did that he said it was normal and i said if you dont know her then how is that normal? he then replied saying "no i do know her, but i couldnt tell you" and was being cold and rude. so i was like so you lied? and he sat quite and so i broke up with him. Its been 2 weeks and hes happened to turn the table making it seem like im the wrong one for leaving him- but its not the first time he lied about something and as i was breaking up with him i felt like it could also not be his last so i was trying to warn him- not completely cut ties. I love him so much but he isn't doing anything to help us get back together and blocked me out of his life randomly. I dont know anything about him for 2 weeks and ive tried to reach out to him twice but he just kept yelling and being mean to me telling me that i chose this and that were never getting back together. I keep feeling like its my fault for breaking up with him- but what did he expect? he lied to me and had no problem being blunt about it. =( how do i get over my regret. is there anything i should even regret?
The Answer
When you break up, all that is really important is that you are okay with your reasons. They don't have to be good enough for anybody else—including the people you break up with.
Was it a bit silly? Yeah. Both of you probably could have handled that entire thing a bit better.
But, why are you trying to contact him now? If you think he lied, repeatedly, then you need to be comfortable and confident in your decision, and stop trying to reach out to him.
You can't control what story he tells other people, or how he thinks or feels about the breakup. What you can do, is be true to your beliefs and choices. It's okay to feel guilty or regret, but the way to get over that is to stop exposing yourself to his anger and lies and to just get, and keep, your distance. He's got nothing to offer you now.
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The Question
I recently got swimmers ear, and the pain is unbearable! I can barely sleep, and it's very painful to chew. I tried to ask my mom about it, but she just said to wait it out. I don't know how much more pain I can take, are there any home remedies that can help swimmers ear?
The Answer
How recently? If it's been more than a week, it's time to see a doctor.
If it hasn't been that long, you could try over the counter medication like acetic acid ear drops. Standard pain meds like tylenol may help with the pain.
I wouldn't recommend you use 'home remedies'. Many of them are for excessive fluid or wax build up—but swimmer's ear is an infection—and those home remedies may help the pain a bit, but they won't cure a bacterial infection.
Although swimmer's ear can go away on its own, it also can get worse. If the pain is that bad, if the pain is spreading down your jaw or neck, or if you get a fever or dizziness, then it is simply time to see a doctor for proper treatment.
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The Question
My sister has been a very messy person her whole life. She has three little kids and their house is awful. There is stuff everywhere. Laundry, toys, dishes, shoes, food...It is too the point that she has had worms growing in her house in a few spots. The house stinks of mold and BO. The bathroom is a mess. You cannot see the floor and it smells like urine. I hate even going over to visit. She has been talked to several times about this and many of us (family) have gone over and cleaned the whole house to help her out or so that she can just focus on upkeep but she does not. Its not a hording issue, its a laziness issue. She does care what people think because she says is always making comments about cleaning or trying to clean or that it offends her that people wear their shoes in her house. But every comment ends with her being the victim or being hindered in some way. I have made many comments to her over the years, as have other family members, but she just gets offended and ignores us.
My husband and I moved away and are going to visit in a few months and she moved into a bigger house and wants us to stay with her (we usually stay with my parents). She has expressed a few times to me that it is important to her that I stay with her. Since her house is bigger I assumed it would not be as bad. However, from what I hear it is as bad as ever. To the point it makes your stomach hurt when you walk in the door.
I am not sure how to tell her that although I want to come stay with her while we are visiting, I also have a husband and small children to think about. I am not comfortable exposing them to that even for a short visit let alone stay there. Any advice on how to talk to her about this? She is extremely sensitive and cries and gets angry easily.
The Answer
Just say no thank you. You will continue to stay with your parents, where you know you are all comfortable.
There is no reason to turn this into another fight over cleanliness. She knows your opinion. She knows the whole families opinion. Trying to change her mind at this point is pointless. Just stand your ground on where you'll be staying when you visit and don't be drawn into the fight she is clearly itching to have. (Either that, or she is hoping someone will help her clean up for your stay.)
Let her get her tears out of the way before the visit. You can't help her with her sensitivity or anger. Those are feelings she'll need to deal with, and your inability to stay at her place is a direct reaction to her own choices.
Don't waste your time talking to her about the problem yet again. There is nothing you can do about from so far away, and you certainly don't want to spend your visit worrying about it. Instead, just stick to what you know is going to have to happen: You are going to stay with your parents. That is what you've done in the past. You know that works and everyone is comfortable. End of discussion.
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The Question
Okay im 17 years old and theres this guy. We arent together but we have had sex multiple times . We have always used comdoms because i always like to me safe . So one day he txted me saying he wanted to cum in me ?? .it took me by suprise. This is because we dont date and we really dont talk rather than having sex . I told him i was not on birth control but he said soo ... i followed up by saying im not trying to get pregnant. And said that me or him isnt ready for a child . Then i asked what if i het pregnant. He said that he would take kare of it. .. now im scared to have sex with him wat should i do ? . Ps he is sooooo handsome and have very pretty blue eyes
The Answer
You should stay away from him.
He isn't mature enough, responsible enough or respectful enough to continue having sex with.
For your own safety, stop seeing him. I don't care how handsome he is. Someone that stupid is just dangerous. He basically told you he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings or your health. That he wants to use your body in this way, and doesn't want to pay attention to the fact you don't want those risks. He didn't take 'No' for an answer. He isn't an idiot. He knew you said no. He absolutely understood that is what you meant. He pretended he didn't hear you when you told him no, because no wasn't the answer he wanted.
That makes him potentially dangerous.
Don't have sex with him. Don't even hang out with him where he might decide he expects sex. This is the kind of guy who may bully you into it and say "Oh, but we talked about it!" and just ignore the fact you told him you didn't want to because you didn't scream No loudly enough for his tastes. That is not a safe human being to have sex with. A guy who says that kind of nonsense about unsafe sex is a guy I don't think it's safe to even be friends with.
Whether or not you want to go on birth control is your choice. I'd certainly strongly recommend using both birth control and condoms in FWB situation. Whatever you choose tho, this guy is still not a good sex partner.
Keep yourself safe by keeping yourself away from him.
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