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Is my boyfriend controlling?
Hi I'm Jay, so I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now, he's 18 and I'm 16 and I don't know if it's me but I just have a small feeling my boyfriend is little bit too controlling. He always tells me that I'm a child and that I act grown and if i joke around and say he's a child too he gets a bit defensive and claims he's not a child and that's he's grown. Whenever I might express something or do something he doesn't do or agree with he tells me i need to get it together, and i feel it's like his line for me like he tells me this more than he says he loves me but i know he does, and he says it as if i dont have my life in one piece and i do and for some reason he finds it necessary to tell me that more than once weekly that i dont have it together. I dont know if that's considered controlling at all. But another thing when it comes to us like having sex or anything sexual he likes it when i call him daddy and i don't really mind it, but sometimes when he asks me to do something and i say no he'll be like i seem to be forgetting who daddy is in the relationship and that its not me it's him. I feel like he shouldn't bring that into everyday things because i feel like he's using it over me in the wrong way and situations. So is he controlling or am I overreacting? Any advice is helpful.
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He is clearly dominating and controlling. Despite some of the commenters here, this is not typical. Do not lump them all together. You sound young and you ARE young and have much to learn and experience about men. What are you doing having sex? And with someone whom you're not even sure what he's about? That is a good reason to delay having sex until you are more mature and can judge these things for yourself and more clearly. It will also give you a chance to build your self-esteem so you'll know when someone is trying to push you around and disrespect you. Unless you like a controlling, dominating kind of a guy, RUN!
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Honestly he might not feel like he is bUT he is technically degrading you. Making you feel inferior. He is your typical "alpha male", dominant guy. He sees it his way or the high way. You should talk to him let him know he makes you feel bad about youself when he says these things and that he has to work on compromising. My only warning is to not expect a complete change. Take pride in his small compromises and moments he makes you feel appreciated. If he gets worse or you aren't seeing any change, start looking for someone who sees you as your equal not their companion
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When it comes to sex, some males have ways that they prefer sex, sometimes they like to imagine they are the daddy and you the little daughter. This has nothing to do with you being 2 yrs younger as there are older couples, married and not that do this simply cus its a thrill to them.
Likewise, there are males who like to act out you being the Mom and them your son when having sex. In neither situation should it go beyond the bedroom door into other areas of life. So his trying to remind you that he is the Daddy and you must obey his wishes, means he is trying to do a sub and dom thing where you are not being given any choices, forced to do so, no safe words, no ability to back out and that is indeed controlling behavior. Like the 2 sexual situations already mentioned, the sub and dom deal is for some people and not for others. You have to be in agreement whether you want to be treated that way first, in the bedroom, or beyond the bedroom and it doesn't sound like any of that has occurred.
It could be as Razhie says, that doing this makes him feel older and superior. But I know from experience thru true life situations, that men who feel the need to belittle a woman are doing so because they are insecure and have a low self esteem and will easily feel threatened as a male as time goes on. And whenever they feel their superiority is being questioned at all by you, they can become quite nasty and violent sometimes too. I remember a boyfriend I questioned about something I didnt agree with. He went from smiling to yelling in a split second saying things like, "Who are you to question me? I am the one with a degree and awards and people look up to me. I want you to apologize right now and do as I say!!!" Needless to say, I dumped him right away. I'd been married 30 years to a man who verbally abused me, so when this other guy started up, I wasn't going to fail the test and stay with him, I left him.
So have a talk and let him know its not acceptable and the moment he opens his mouth to dare talk like that to you again, the relationship is OVER!. Of course you have to be willing to do that, cut ties with him totally, not even asssociate as just friends. And that is hard for teens to do, let alone older women who don't have a strong self respect and self confidence. Males are notoriously able to sniff out women who are weak, women who may hate being treated that way, but unwilling to stand up for themselves, and even worse, they are so desperate for a boyfriend or place their self worth in the fact that they have a boyfriend, that they will put up with stuff like you are getting and much much worse. There are women in relationships where they are being physically beat up all the time, and not allowed to see family or friends so that no one knows or is able to help.
That is worst case scenerio. I don't feel its worth waiting around to see if it gets that bad. You deserve way better dear and there are other guys who will treat you lots better. If it were me, I wouldn't stay with him another minute.
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He is certainly insulting you. Regularly, even though he has every reason to know you don't like it.
Here's the thing: Sometimes people like to date people younger than themselves so they can feel like they are more established, or wiser, or so they can believe they have power over the other person. That's a thing that can happen especially easily in a relationship where there is an age difference.
Even though your age difference isn't much, you are at a time in your lives where things are changing quickly for you. So even though it's only two years, you may be at very different places in your lives. He may have more responsibilities and more 'stuff' to have togeather, than you do at 16.
But that is no excuse for putting you down.
Even if you are actually less mature or less togeather than he is, this is still not an appropriate way for him to hold that over your head. He may ALSO be controlling—I certainly believe that—but from what you say here all I can see clearly is that he insulting and belittling you. He doesn't have to be controlling you as well, for that to be wrong.
Tell him this isn't an acceptable joke anymore. Either he can treat you as full human being, who is worth just as much as he is, with just as much control over her life and just as much respect, or he can shove off.
He's nobodies parent. He's got two measly years on you. If he really thinks he's so mature, the least he can do is stop name-calling.
Don't settle for someone who tells you that you are less than you are.
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