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Help with talking to Sister about cleanliness
My sister has been a very messy person her whole life. She has three little kids and their house is awful. There is stuff everywhere. Laundry, toys, dishes, shoes, food...It is too the point that she has had worms growing in her house in a few spots. The house stinks of mold and BO. The bathroom is a mess. You cannot see the floor and it smells like urine. I hate even going over to visit. She has been talked to several times about this and many of us (family) have gone over and cleaned the whole house to help her out or so that she can just focus on upkeep but she does not. Its not a hording issue, its a laziness issue. She does care what people think because she says is always making comments about cleaning or trying to clean or that it offends her that people wear their shoes in her house. But every comment ends with her being the victim or being hindered in some way. I have made many comments to her over the years, as have other family members, but she just gets offended and ignores us.
My husband and I moved away and are going to visit in a few months and she moved into a bigger house and wants us to stay with her (we usually stay with my parents). She has expressed a few times to me that it is important to her that I stay with her. Since her house is bigger I assumed it would not be as bad. However, from what I hear it is as bad as ever. To the point it makes your stomach hurt when you walk in the door.
I am not sure how to tell her that although I want to come stay with her while we are visiting, I also have a husband and small children to think about. I am not comfortable exposing them to that even for a short visit let alone stay there. Any advice on how to talk to her about this? She is extremely sensitive and cries and gets angry easily.
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she has problems, maybe emotional ones from what I have read is the source of lots of hording people.
But there is nothing you can do to change her. that is up to her to recognize she even has a problem and then to want to do whatever it takes to get better. ONe can't help a horder get better by cleaning up for them or being willing to come over and visit. I have relatives by marriage who invited us to stay with them when we came back into town to get re-established here. The place was as messy as you state, and in my opinion, a health hazard. I couldn't breath barely once I walked in the door. All the 4 kids were always sick with runny noses when non of the kids in the neighbor who came to play outdoors were sick and this was middle of summer, and no, they dont all have allergies. By time we left, we were both very sickly and not doing well. And I believe the worms part. She washed kids clothing without checking them first cus one child put all sorts of strange things in his pockets and another pooped in his clothes...a 3rd grader, and she thought perhaps that tossing it in as soiled as it was, it would get clean. She said I could add a few things of my own to the load but i had no idea there was poop in that load. Ut wasn't until we heard something that sounded like marbles bouncing in the dryer, my husband went to check and it was dried balls of poop. This is a very unhealthy environment as you well know and as a parent, you shouldn't even be weighing the kids health vs. keeping your sister from being upset. Your kids come first. So take the advice you heard from Razhie, you've stayed with the parents before and that works so that is end of story.
Your sister already knows everyones stance on how she keeps the house and logically knows that you will not stay with her. By her asking you why you didn't come over to stay with her instead, she is putting you in a position to have to once again state why...the condition of her home. So her question really doesnt deserve an answer. If she does ask, don't answer, just smile and ask her a question, and change subjects. If she accuses you of changing subjects, you say, "Yes I am because there is nothing else to be said on the subject. Heres a couple other things from my own confrontations with others on this. If accused that you don't love her then...the answer is simply, "I love you but I don't love how you keep house and I am in good company. It is possible to love a person but not love something they do." If she still complains, you might add, "Even Churches share that same principle when they say that Jesus loves sinners but doesn't love the sin. If that is how you choose with your free will to decide how you will keep house, then I have the same right to make choices I am happy and okay with. You don't get to make your own choices and believe I should not able to make my own.
If our fussing over this in the past has hurt you, I'm sorry about that. But think about it,our throwing a fuss didn't change your mind. Please respect that your fussing right now about my decision where to stay is likewise not going to change my mind. So lets just call this a stalemate and move on.
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Just say no thank you. You will continue to stay with your parents, where you know you are all comfortable.
There is no reason to turn this into another fight over cleanliness. She knows your opinion. She knows the whole families opinion. Trying to change her mind at this point is pointless. Just stand your ground on where you'll be staying when you visit and don't be drawn into the fight she is clearly itching to have. (Either that, or she is hoping someone will help her clean up for your stay.)
Let her get her tears out of the way before the visit. You can't help her with her sensitivity or anger. Those are feelings she'll need to deal with, and your inability to stay at her place is a direct reaction to her own choices.
Don't waste your time talking to her about the problem yet again. There is nothing you can do about from so far away, and you certainly don't want to spend your visit worrying about it. Instead, just stick to what you know is going to have to happen: You are going to stay with your parents. That is what you've done in the past. You know that works and everyone is comfortable. End of discussion.
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