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Is he icing me out? What should I do?
I feel like I am losing the most important relationship of my life and I don't know what I can do.
I am 25 years old woman and I've been studying with my acting coach Jason for over 10 years. It all began when he cast me in my first-ever play at the age of 14. From that moment on, I became hooked on theatre and never looked back. Over the years, Jason has been without question the most important person I've known. As a teenager, he was my everything. I have never had a single friend in my entire life and he was the only person who cared about me and believed in me. As a teacher, Jason was absolutely invaluable in helping me develop monologues and prepare for auditions. Honestly I can't think of where I would be if it weren't for everything he's given me.
However, over this past year I've noticed him taking a backseat in our lessons together. In the past, he would've done everything he could to help me step up my work, but lately he seemed to be content just to sit back and throw out suggestions. It certainly has nothing to do with him losing his teaching/directing abilities..... I saw him very recently, in a play we did together, coach an opera singer with no acting skill to speak of and help her get to where she needed to be for the performance. It just feels like for some reason, he's been unable or unwilling to do for me what he had in the past. If I found myself stuck and asked for further help, he would get angry and offended and upset. He would turn the whole thing around and make it all about himself and his feelings, and increasingly I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells in our coachings. Finally one day we had a blowout fight when I was struggling in a monologue and told him that I wasn't feeling supported by him. At the end of the hour, he apologized for his behavior and we made up. But after that, I went into every one of our lessons with a bit of trepidation; I wasn't sure how he was going to act or whether or not we would have to have an unpleasant conversation in order to get him to be a nurturing teacher again.
I recently got into a highly prestigious MFA acting program in a different part of the country. After I got my acceptance letter, I decided it was a good time to end my work with Jason. I told him that I just wanted to take a break from our lessons because I was so worn out from all the recent auditions. He agreed that a hiatus was a good idea.
In truth I have no intention of going back to study with him.... now that I'm about to enter an extraordinarily demanding master's program in September, there's really no need to continue coaching. It's gotten to a point where he just isn't serving me well anymore as a teacher. I plan to tell him that I can't afford to see him anymore because my manager is cutting back my hours at my current day job. But the thing is, I'm getting the weird feeling that he's avoiding me. He hasn't returned any of my phone calls in nearly a month, which is extremely odd for him. Jason is usually very prompt about calling back. The one time I did get ahold of him, his manner was completely different. He said, "hi, what can I do for you?" It's not that he was aloof or formal or anything, it's just that that's the way he would probably talk to any acquaintance. Whenever I've seen him in rehearsals, he is warm and friendly to me like he is to everyone, but I'm not sensing the same rapport that we used to.
I still love Jason so very much and the idea that he might be icing me out is seriously devastating. Also I am so scared of moving so far away without anyone that I'll be able to call if things happen. Jason was my sole source of emotional support all these years and I can't imagine my life without him. What can I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I can absolutely understand why this is upsetting to you... however, all I can see here is that he feels the same way you do: Your work has come to a natural end. He may also be struggling with how to deal with that, and how to approach you now.
What you are calling his 'icing you out' is not all that different than your plan to tell him you can't afford to see him, when in fact, you don't really want to see him as your coach anymore. It may be upsetting to you, but it seems reasonable to assume that he feels the same, and doesn't want to be your coach.
Now that your coaching relationship has come to an end, a friendship, a real friendship between two people could develop over time, but it's not going to suddenly be there. That rapport is over, you'll need to build a new one with him.
If you want to maintain this relationship, and develop a real adult friendship, then call him up and invite him to dinner, or to see a show with you. Invite him out like you would a friend.
Change is scary. It's okay that is' scary. You're facing a lot of change all at once. Your relationship with Jason must change now too—you aren't his client anymore. If you want to be his friend, that's going to take some time, and he's going to have to want the same thing. It's possible that he doesn't want that. You'll need to speak up and ask.
The only way you'll know is to reach out and try to build a friendship. My advice would be to start now, before there is a greater physical distance between you as well.
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