|
Do I have to tell my boyfriend about my eating disorder?
Hey there. I'm a 21 year old female and I have struggled with bulimia off and on for about 4 years. It started when I got to college and used it as a way to deal with stress. I was dating a guy at the time and he was the only one who realized that I had a problem because I was mostly bulimic with anorexic periods mixed in so it was pretty easy to hide and I got very good at it. Leaning on my boyfriend and only my boyfriend made me very dependent on him. I should have seeked help much earlier on but refused to admit that it was a real problem until after we broke up. In a way I think this issue was part of our breakup. I have never been in counseling but I confused in my doctor and he will often put me on a very mild dose of Prozac when I'm going through a stressful time because my bulimia only really surfaces when I am stressed out even though I work out every day and do other stress management practices, I suffer from pretty intense anxiety and I really like the months that I'm on the Prozac but don't like being dependent on medicine. I'm not sure all of this is relevant. I suppose I just don't want to get any responses that urge counseling or other suggestions related to the bulimia because it is not really what I'm asking here.
My problem is I have been with my current boyfriend for quite some time now and he is the love of my life. But I keep these issues from him. Granted, the majority of our relationship I have had it under control and been completely free of bingeing and purging. I have been starting to struggle recently and have told my two closest friends and discussed starting on the medication again. And I feel guilty. Like I'm lying to him by not telling him what's going on. It's a deeply personal issue and I am so scared to tell him and have it ruin our relationship like the last one. And I know I know, if it's truly meant to be he should be able to work with me/support me blah blah I know this... But it's so difficult to work up the courage to tell him. It's the worst thing about myself and I don't talk about it anyone, ever, anymore besides my doctor or to let my friends know I'm back on medication (my doctor said this is a safe thing to do for antidepressants). I guess I'm asking if this is something that I truly need to tell him... and if it is, how? Because I physically don't feel able.
Any suggestions appreciated.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You don't need to tell him anything. He might appreciate the honesty, but it's your body.
]
In relationships there aren't a lot of "have to's." The relationship itself is completely voluntary. I know what you mean....you want to know if you "should" tell him in the service of a healthier more honest relationship. The answer to that question is yes. But how and when you tell him presents a lot more choices. You are also stating, and it's quite understandable, that you are afraid to tell him for fear that he might think less of you or that he won't be as supportive as you might hope. That's why tough things like this test the mettle of relationships. This is what I would call a high-stakes conversation but one that you are completely capable of having. First, make sure that you pick a time when he is relaxed and not distracted. Maybe tell him over dinner. Second, let him know how hard it is for you to tell him. Third, you need not overwhelm him with a lot of detail. Let him take the lead in the questions he asks. Finally, it's perfectly wise to wait until you feel you have a stronger handle on it. Only you can determine when the best time is. There's no rush, but eventually, this is a conversation that you need to have. One more thing, when you muster up the courage to have a tough conversation like this, it gives your partner more permission to do the same. You might find that he starts to share with you on a deeper level as well. Best of luck with your recovery and with your communication.
]
The great thing about having a partner you're in love with and they with you, is that this person loves you despites your spots and wrinkles. They know your strengths and also your weakness and still accept you. If its true Love, then love conquers all. He may be shocked, disturbed at first, but if he isn't just the love of your life, but you are the love of his life, then he will come around to supporting you, either immediately or after he's had some think to process this information. I suppose it depends on how long you're been with him cus 'quite some time' doesnt give me a clue how long. It could mean 3 months to you and 3 years to me. So if its still a relatively new relationship, and you are afraid you might start to lean on a person too much again, then give it a little more time but actively look into ways to deal with your problem.
You mentioned depression and anxieties as being at the root of what brought on bulimia and anorexia. YOu may be embarrassed about the fact you're struggling with this, but don't be. The fact you'r able to tell us and asking for advice tells me that you really want to find a solution for this so that you can move on in life, worry free about it affecting any future relationships.
I used to have an extreme anxiety as a kid, finally getting rid of it forever in my last year of high school when I was finally tired of how it affected my life. My parents didn't have health care and I couldn't afford to see a Dr. So I prayed and asked God what I needed to do. The steps He gave me, cured me. ITs only recently that I read a book by a Psychologist turned teacher and author on the subject and come to realize that the exact method he recommends for an anxiety like mine was the exact same steps in print in his books. Talk about chills running down your spine. I was floored. So I know his style of dealing with depression and anxietys works. It has for many other people too who have written in to his website. I found the two books I have now read, amusing, interesting, helpful information but its still a difficult task to self diagnose as the books are meant to do. What I see them as is encouragement to those suffering that there is something else to try that is non pharmaceutical, with medicine being just his last option to help a patient whereas it used to be his first option until a colleague asked him to try a new method with one of his patients first before prescribing medicine.
The name of this psychologist and author is David D. Burns. He has many books. I've read "When Anxiety Attacks" and "Feeling Good--The New Mood Therapy". The latter deals more with Depression and distorted thinking. As far as what your Dr. said to you, he is sharing only out of what he has been taught and knows, just as Dr. Burns. Until he personally chooses to check out and try the other non medicinal therapies, he really belies that medicating is the safest way to deal with it. But medication only masks the illness, doesnt cure it. WIth medicine, some people eventually get side effects that are worse than the illness they are treating so they stop medications and suffer in silence and in fear of others discovering their deep dark secret.
In todays world, depression and anxiety issues are actually very common. I don't suppose that 200 or more years ago, people suffered from depression and anxiety as much. The world was a much slower paced place without the problems we have today that bring on these issues of depression and anxiety.
They had a different set of problems but its expected that life comes with its difficulties and hard work to achieve any progress. HOwever depression and anxiety are getting too common today for you to stand out as the oddity, its pretty common even tho many may not know much about it or even the eating disorders. I don't have eating disorders but I am naturally fine boned and have plenty enough weight, even at the border of going overweight and yet have bony areas like wrists, elbows knees so they stand out and I still get people asking friends and family if I'm anorexic. ITs sad how little people truly know. But regardless, there may be an alternative for you. If it doesn't work for you, then medicine will still be a choice. I am posting the website of Dr. Burns and encourage you to get a copy of his books both on depression and anxiety, or better yet, write to him and ask which book might be the better. At the least it may encourage you to seek out a psychologist in your area who deals with these innovative methods to solve anxiety and depression and then move on to the eating disorders, which likely won't have a reason to hang around if the first two conditions are treated. He may be able to advise you of Drs. in your area who use these methods, one of which is called CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy and a newer one that uses CBT but is even better, T.E.A.M.
Here's his website dear, and I wish you the best.
Once you've read his website and decide this is something you want to try as a part of getting better, then might be a good time to let the boyfriend know, especially if a very likely solution is in the mix, then he can help encourage you to find the right Dr and work thru the books or better yet, the books were somewhat overwhelming and confusing for the average person to solve their issues but he could read a book aloud with you cus its having the extra perspective that will help more. In the end, it's still the best to have a Dr. with his profession background skills to help you through it and even so, it's a matter of discovering which exact method will work best on you and that is hard to figure out sometimes for the person with the issues.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
]
The simple answer is yes.
The why of the answer is this. If he loves you as much as you love him then he will be understanding and standby you. Remember if you are going to be life partners part of the contract of marriage is in sickness and health.
If you love someone you stand by them. You have to meet their help halfway at the very least. Being dependent on someone for staying healthy is not a proper corrective action. Going on and off Prozac is also not helping you get better. You finally hit bottom with the last breakup and asked your doctor for help. Now you have to take the next step to get control over the anxiety that bring on these bought of bulimia for this is not good for you either.
I believe the next step is not to tell your boyfriend right now but you will have to tell him eventually. The next step is to find a doctor who deals with eating disorders. This will probably be a doctor of psychiatry who will treat you for the anxiety and recommend you meet with a psychologist to find out why you suffer anxiety attacks. These attacks are triggered by something. In therapy with a psychologist you can work to find out what that triggers is. Once you find out what the trigger is you can manage it.
I can say this with a great deal of certainty as I have been there. I too suffered from anxiety attacks which through me into a deep depression. Working with a psychiatrist and psychologist I was able to learn what the cause or trigger was and I now recognize the trigger and manage it better. I no longer need to Cymbalta I was taking for depression.
As much as you do not want to hear about doctors and medication or therapy sessions this is what you need to do if you want to rid yourself of this problem. Once you have made the commitment to getting better then you tell your boyfriend.
Making the commitment will only take a few days or weeks to find the right professionals to help you. Once you start you can ask the psychologist when it would be right to tell you boyfriend. Your psychologist may even suggest you ask your boyfriend to come to a therapy session so that he or she can help you explain the problem to him.
In one sense I have been where you are. I have had the scars so to speak which are now long gone. Please trust me when I say you need to do this to get better you can't do it on your own.
]
If you want to be with this person, in the long run, then yes, you have to tell him. If you want to build a life with him, this is information he needs to have. Not so he can make judgements or even so he can support you—I say it's totally fine not to really want his support on this—but he deserves an honest partnership where serious problems aren't silenced or ignored.
Try to find a way to tell him. Write a letter or an email if you need too.
If you continue to feel physically unable to discuss this with him, THAT is a problem to discuss with a counsellor. Because that physical inability to discuss something serious and meaningful with your romantic partner will definitely ruin relationships for you, this one or future ones. Even if you have a treatment plan and approach that is working for the eating disorder, if the anxiety also makes it impossible for you to manage your most important relationships, that is something counselling can help you with.
In the end, the answer to your question is yes, he needs to know this. Not just because 'if he's the right one he'll understand' or 'he'll love and support you' or 'you deserve his support', it's more basic than that: He deserves honesty about issues that have, and will, affect your life and your lives togeather. Maybe he doesn't need all the gory details. Maybe it's fair to ask him to trust you manage this with your doctor, and to please not get too involved... but not telling him is not fair.
]
More Questions: |