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Tempted to call my boyfriend's ex
23/f, 29/m
My boyfriend spoke highly of his ex-girlfriend, also complained a lot about her, mentioned her many times before, she became quite a bit of a problem in our 2-year relationship.
He has broken my trust a few times, lied to me about talking to her a few times, etc. Right now he's being secretive and he's hiding me. Every time he had spoken to her, she had shut down the conversation or had refused to see or talk to him in person.
Because of that, I sensed that there was more to the breakup story than he had told me. He had told me that she wanted to "experience the college life" when they broke up. But I caught his message to her when he wanted to meet with her in person to "make things right" she said that she wasn't comfortable with the conversation or comfortable talking with him in person and that whatever he needed to say can be said online. Otherwise, the conversation between them was very brief. She seemed to have boundaries set up, which I appreciate.
For the longest time, even though I'm envious of her... Part of me really wanted to speak with her. Not to attack her in any way, but just to ask her a few questions like what really happened and to ask if he was also kind of rude and treated her badly (he treats me badly sometimes/debating whether or not if it's emotional abuse). If the answer was yes, that would make a lot of sense.
Especially since he spoke to her inappropriately while him and I were dating, it's almost as if she has the right to know. It's weird to say that I trust her more than I trust him, even though I don't know her. But she handled each situation really well.
The reason why I haven't reached out to her is:
1) It's weird
2) I feel like it's rude to reach out to her and ask her something personal when I don't know her
3) It'd be creepy
4) I'm afraid my boyfriend will find out.
I have her number so nothing would get screenshot if I called her... Even though that seems stalker-ish, but I feel like it's going to keep bothering me until I call her. Especially since i don't think I will get a straight answer from my boyfriend.
What should I do?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
2 Years into a relationship with him and you still don't Trust him. Doesn't that say anything to you?
That alone is reason enough to figure that something is wrong in the relationship. Some times, the problem lies with the female having been burnt one too many times and so now she is naturally suspicious of her guy all the time even when he's innocent, or the guy is just not the right personality type to really meet all her needs so she will feel secure and trust him, or he is out-rightly doing the kind of things that show his loyalties are split, at least in his mind and heart, even if he's not in physical relationship with two or more at the same time.
Now then, females tend to have good intuitions if they will listen to them. WHen you say you sensed there is more to the previous breakup than he told you, your intuition was probably spot on there. Yes there is likely more to the story. You also confess that he treats you badly sometimes.
If you were on a show and had to choose from between 3 bachelors, one who treats you badly all the time for the length of the game, one who treats you bad only half the time, or one who treats you only wonderfully all the time, which would you choose? I guarantee you wouldnt go with the first two, one of which includes treated badly half the time or sometimes.
What you are having trouble with is two things
One, not trusting your intuition so you don't want to make a mistake and dump a perfectly wonderful guy.
Two, perhaps not fully realising that you are looking for consistancy in a person, that they are who they say they are and are able to prove it by always sticking to it in their actions with you.
Back to number 1, this is why you feel compelled to hear what an ex has to say about him and why they broke up. You dont trust your intuition and believe that hearing confirmation from her will give you the incentive to dump him as well? Have you thought it thru? Even if she has nothing but terrible things to say about him, how would that help you? Would it magically change your heart and make you want to leave him because of what he did to her, not because of what he's doing to you? You know he is trying to find a way to make things up to get and get back with her even tho she wont have him. But where does that put you? Sounds to me like you are the filler, the standby until he can get the girl his heart is still stuck on. You're just someone to pass the time til something better happens.
And number 2, since the best way a person can prove themselves to another is to be consistant in their character, not flop back and forth in personality traits, you know even if not ready to acknowledge it aloud, that he is inconsistant and that is why you can't trust him.
I'll explain what youre seeing when a person flips back and forth on their character. People start off relationship putting their best foot forward, wanting to make a good impression and many will wear a mask or false identity until they become secure feeling they have the other hooked and then they let the mask fall. Thats when you begin to see the good a person wants you to see, followed by bad then good , then back again, over and over. However, if it wasnt a mask and what you saw in the beginning presented to you was the true real person, then there never is a false identity to have fall away and over time you see that the person is Always the same person. Yes, we all have days that went bad for us and we're cranky or snippy but its not directed at our loved ones and we do let them know ahead of time that we had a bad day and need some time to unwind and please forgive me ahead of time if I do unintentionally bark at you. This is what my husband and I have. We are consistant with each other. We don't like to see the other hurting and we certainly don't want to be one to add to the hurts that the world dumps on them, we are there to love on, build up and support only, not to hurt, tear down, cheat, disappoint, go back on our word or many other such unlovely traits found in relationships. You probably deep down have a sneaking suspicion that 2 years is enough time to have built up trust and ironed out any little bumps in the relationship. And you'd be right. If you couldn't find trust in him in maximum 6 months, time, then 2 years or longer is not going to make it magically happen. Trust isn't going to all of a sudden just appear at the 5 year mark just because of the amount of time together. Time isn't what creates trust, its his behavior, whether consistant or inconsistant that determines that and therefore girl, you already have your answer. He's inconsistant somehow. I'm not the fly on the wall observing your relationship so I can't say what it is in its entirety, but the true purpose of dating is to stay with a person long enough to discover if this is someone you want to spend life long with and if not, you stop dating and move on.
As Razhie said, its in bad taste to go around trying to get information out of her. Now if the person he'd dated before you was your best friend, then likely your best friend would have warned you off if it wasn't just mismatched personalities but some really big character flaws in him that would affect you. MOst of us don't have a list of names of all the previous people our current partner has dated to go and do background checks on him. It doesnt matter what someone did in the past either cus people can change. Don't judge him based on what he did with her. Just judge him by how he treats you.
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Trust your rational mind here.
It IS rude. It's unkind. Best case scenario is that it puts her in an uncomfortable position. Worse case is that it brings up painful memories that really screw up her day or week.
It's also not fair to your boyfriend. I mean, clearly you have lots of reasons not to trust him, but nevertheless, the correct way to deal with an untrustworthy boyfriend is to deal directly with him. Not to sneak around and ask his friends, or his family, or ex-girlfriend, what is going on. Even if your boyfriend is being shitty, you should still hold yourself to a higher standard of behaviour than reaching out to this ex.
Here is the real issue: Reaching out to her probably won't give you what you want. Chances are that she does have a different perspective and understanding of the break up then your boyfriend. It's really rare that two people break up and they both agree about how it happened! Her perspective won't be 'The Truth' even if you trust her more than your boyfriend. It'll still just be her perspective and her memory.
More than anything here, it sounds like you need a friend. You need someone you can talk to honestly about the fact your boyfriend is dishonest and you are worried that he is abusive. She can't tell you 100% if he's abusive or not, and even if she does, you can only believe if you choose too.
I'd really recommend that you take everything you want to say to this ex-girlfriend, and talk it over really honestly with your friends or a close family member. Don't try to protect your boyfriend or apologize for him, just be honest about what you are experiencing and worrying about. If you need a second opinion about the impact your relationship is having on you, ask the people who love you. You'll never know the absolute, 100% truth of a person's past—even when they are totally honest with you—but the past isn't your problem here.
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