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What's wrong with me?
I think I am either attracted to unavailable men or just something wrong with me.
I never had a great relationship until the summer after senior year of high school, I met the love of my life. It ended after four years when I found out on valentine's day that the reason why he was always so distant was he was cheating. Meanwhile I was home crying and missing him since he was away deployed and etc. He told me he realized he didn't love me and I was shattered.
Forward to now I'm dating a guy for a year now who I dated before, he cheated when we dated in high school and I've caught him cheating three times in the year we have now been back together. I don't love him and I can guarantee he is still cheating but I'm still with him. Even though I started flirting with my married ex boss (for revenge, no longer flirting boss) and now I'm beyond attracted to another coworker ...who has a gf. He isn't interested that i know of nor do i want to and like I said I'm still with cheater guy #2.
I can't stop thinking about him though bUT it's weird I've had crushes before but not imagine kissing him and being in his arms and just making love with someone besides the love of my life.
So what is wrong with me? Is this just another crush on an unavailable guy because I'm a freak or idk...
help.
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I am a firm believer that most of our behavioral issues always filter down to one major thing as root cause....our thought life. Negative or distorted thinking is something all humans do to some extent. Its the ones who look for these negative thoughts and catch them at the beginning before dwelling on them for too long or ongoing, that escape the problems whiles those who keep feeding those thoughts by the actions they started, will not be able to move on in life, being able to say that they are a better person today than yesterday.
I don't know if you know this, but when we are unable to forgive, or seek revenge, the only person we're really hurting is ourselves, it really doesnt affect the person you seek revenge on. They move on happily after whatever evil they did while your life stagnates. So ask yourself this question, am I more interested in the process of revenge, and feeling bad, angry, dwelling on all the ugly terrible things in my life and in other people and in the world.
If you start looking, yes there is a lot of bad stuff going on in the world but everyone was given a free will to choose to do as they wish. If you focus more on all the bad around you and done to you, you will only be an unhappy person. If you tweak how you think about it and choose also to look hard for the positive in life, any positive out of any bad situation, its there, but its not as easy to see....but trust me, its there.
First, answering your beginning question of whether you are attracted to unavailable men. You'd have to find cheating an attractive trait in a person so I don't think thats the issue. What I c an say from my own experience of 1st marriage to a man who was verbally abusive, when I got the balls to finally leave him, I was tested twice by fate, to see if I had learned my lesson. Yes, I said Lesson. We all have lessons to learn in life and if we pass once with flying colors, we get tested again not so God knows that we are firm in what we learned, for our own sake, knowing the first time wasn't a fluke.
Now I will explain. Twice, I met and started dating guys who after a while showed their true self and when I saw the red flags/signs of them being just like the ex, I dropped them like a hot rock. One wasn't even directing his tirade at me, only complaining about his maid, actually verbally tearing her down and using racist language. I knew from experience that where that kind of glimpse of something bad comes from, like water leaking thru a crack in a vase, that there is more of that trait still unseen inside of him waiting to come out. I also had to learn to love myself enough to not want to subject myself any longer to such treatment. Back then if asked if I loved myself, I'd say, of course, and to an extent, I did. I would never do certain things like over use of alcohol or eat only fast food or take street drugs, or attempt suicide. I did love myself, but not 100% because in one area, I was willing to allow myself to be subjected to a loveless, stressful marriage where the stress began to affect my physical health, migraines, headaches, stress rashes that covered the body and itched, stomach ulcer, etc.... My body recovered after I left him but I had to get to the point where it was a matter of life or death for me to realize that I wanted to live and also the life I live to be a happy fulfilling one, not this pain and confusion. So, you are not a freak, you are another human being who like me, has a lesson to pass and it doesnt matter if you passed once, you have to pass it again and again and that is why fate keeps bringing you across the path or unfaithful men and it will continue happening your entire life if you never learn what it is you are supposed to learn.
Now here's a bright point for you to start thinking on, the reason you wrote in here for advice is because you are not content staying with a cheater, not content with going after unavailable men but because deep down, you want something better for yourself.
The only thing is that you have to discover what is holding you back. It may be thoughts like, there must be something wrong with me if the only guys who will spend time with me are cheaters, getting revenge will hurt my ex and make him realize he wants me, I need to have success in persuading a man to leave his lady for me in order to feel good about myself. THose are just a few distorted thinking examples. Whether those are your thoughts or not, I am certain that there are some distorted negative thoughts that are rolling around inside you.
Take the time to think about it over the days or weeks. As soon as you can think of a thought you've thought maybe even just once or twice and its definately not positive, then write it down and keep adding until you have a list of all your negative feelings, negative wishes and thoughts.
THat was the easy part because to counteract any negative thing, it takes lots of positive ones to cancel out just one negative. Whether it be 3 or 5 or 8 positive thoughts, events, wishes, actions, etc. you will have to work real hard at doing the opposite of what you have been doing to get out of this rut. I am sure there is more to be said on this but this letter would go on for way too long. You can try finding a counselor or life coach to help work with you. A counselor will have more training behind them, I have only my own life experiences to share from but I have known successs tho. So if you would like to chat more, just write back to me. If this wasnt helpful at least info wise, maybe not solution yet, then I'm sorry. Perhaps you will find the help from someone else. But I do know that no female should have to settle for less and have the relationship issues you have with men and that means, you can choose to stay where you're at, let things get worse or find what works for you so life and relatiionships can get better. At least you know what the issue is, that you're not crazy and its a matter of finding the path to a solution that works for you.
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