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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I have a very difficult time meeting new people and making friends. For example no one at work ever invites me to go to lunch. I have asked people to go with me, but I always feel like I'm imposing. How can I meet new people and make new friends?
The Answer
First of all, impose a little.
People can't know they want your company until they have had a taste of it.
Secondly, look outside work. This seems to be something a lot of people, especially new entrants to the workforce, have trouble with. They assume they will find friends in their workplace like they found friends in class or at their part-time job. It doesn't always work out that way.
Call up someone you haven't seen in a while and have coffee. Join a club. Take a class. Throw a little get together for someone's birthday or promotion. Join the Secret Santa. All the normal advice applies.
But above all, take the risk. Stomp down those self-defeating thoughts and start looking for places where you can offer something socially. It won't improve until you take stock of yourself, realize you are desirable company, and step out in the world to share that.
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The Question
What I'm dealing with here is an 8-month relationship with a girl 6 years younger than me. I'm 26, she's 20... I treat her with a lot of respect and am always there when she needs me, and she is always there for me, too, up until this point. Prior to what happened, our relationship really seemed 50/50. Her mother, who is in bad health, has decided that I'm "controlling, possessive, insensitive, lacking all social manners" and has told this girl that if she ever thinks about marrying me, she will not approve, and if she gets pregnant by me, she'll be disowned.
I feel this is totally wrong. My parents would not do this to me, and I am at a loss to understand it. She and I are happy with each other, at least that's what she tells me. She says she loves me "more than you know," but cannot be torn anymore. She says she wants to be friends, and "maybe someday" things can be different. She says she doesn't want her mother to die resenting me, because that would make her resent me. She also says she "cannot function" without her family relationship and needs "space and time."
What's strange is her mother doesn't have a problem (or so she says) with us being friends and going to a movie now and then. I'm totally confused. What are your thoughts on the matter?
The Answer
Yes it is entirely wrong.
However she is probably quite right when she claims to not be able to function without her family. Twenty is only a few years out of your parent's home and the ties can be very strong.
I'd also like to ask, has marriage been discussed? Is there risk of a child? Are these life goals you both share? Or are you allowing this relationship to progress more slowly?
If her mother's opinion and fears are baseless and you had no immediate plans to wed or have a child I do think the two of you should try and plow through this opposition. The "But we're only dating. We've made no long term plans." can be a very powerful battle cry and the absolute truth.
On the other hand, if these are your plans, things might look a little different. Her mother sees her daughter being taken away, and taken away at a rather young age for life-long commitment. It is also quite possible that her mother has been hearing a very different tune from her daughter then the one you hear.
It doesn't seem to me like this is worth one more serious conversation with your girlfriend on the causes and 'terms' of this new friendship. But of course, in the end, it is completely her call. You can't fully know her side or her mothers, but her decision still stands.
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The Question
16/f. Well my boyfriend and I have gone out for about 7 months, and we were good friends before that, and we have a wonderful relationship. We started fooling around about a month ago, but we're not going to have sex, at least not for a long time because we're not ready. I discussed this with him and (separately) with my mom, because I told her I'd always tell her if I was becoming more intimate in a relationship, and she was fine with it. Well, the other night my boyfriend dropped me off at my house and we were both extremely tired and we fell asleep on my bed, we didn't do anything at all. And my parents came home and flipped out, called his parents, now he's not allowed to see me for a very long time, etc...
And my mom says she doesn't trust me and she thinks we've been having sex. She fully knows my views on this and both my boyfriend and I are very ambitious academically and would not do anything that might jeopardize our education or futures. But there is mutual trust and understanding in this relationship, and I thought there was between my mom and I, and I'm very confused. Does anyone have any advice?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks.
The Answer
Your mom is understandably upset and probably even feels a little betrayed by what she sees as you going against your word, but you have a solid bond with your mother and both you and your boyfriend seem to have a lot of sense.
So give your parents a bit of time to get over the shock. When my parents realized I was sleeping with my boyfriend of two years they flipped out (even though I was an adult living in my own place at the time.) Sex will always be a tough thing for parents to deal with, even if it didn't actually happen.
Stick by your guns and continue to remind them you are innocent. At the same time work to convince your mother of your ideals and choices. Try to work out a compromise or new rules, like not being alone with your boyfriend or not being out too late.
Your parents are frightened for you both, which is understandable. If you can keep your cool and negotiate I'm sure they will let you see him again.
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The Question
I know that when in a relationship 'Trust' is the key element. Well, I trust my boyfriend with everything I am, but that's not the problem. I know that he thinks other girls are pretty and that he looks at other girls like that upsets me. I know, I know. I probably sound really immature, but I know that ever since I've been dating him I don't really look at guys that way anymore because I don't need to look- I have him. I haven't got upset over this, but I can't help but think he's checking girls out while he out with me. Any advice?
The Answer
There will always be pretty girls about. To some other girl's boyfriend you are probably one of them!
Guys look at pretty girls much the same way girls look at other girl's cool haircuts or new purses. It is an appreciation of beauty and attractiveness.
So is he really checking out other girls while he is with you? If you catch him doing it and it really irritates you, you could certainly talk it over with him, but it sounds like you've already realized that the problem is mostly in your own mind not in his behavior.
You need to try and let it go. If they have eyes they will see, especially when a woman is trying awfully hard to be seen. But he has you, you're the one he choose to spend time with. A few quick glances aren't going to change that at all.
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The Question
Recently i met this guy called craig... and we went out . but then he had a nervous breakdown and got really depressed and started cutting himself and he dumped me after we had only been going out for two weeks! and he was going on about how he didnt know if he loved me and all thats stuff. Then after his depressive stage he came back to me saying how sorry he was and that he had chnaged and that some how he wuld show me that he cared etc. As stupid as i am .. i agreed and this was only on Tuesday, and everything was fine and he usually goes on msn for me all the time or texts me. But since Thursday i havent had one text even though i have text him and he hasnt been online... im scared that ive got my self into something i shouldnt again, and he doesnt actually like me
im so confused!!! please help iz he for real or is he messing around with me????
The Answer
You're fine darling it's this guy who is confused. Don't hold it against him too much, he clearly isn't at a place right now in life where you can take anything he says too seriously.
I mean, really, after two weeks he was spazzing about love? Then cutting? Dumping you and then insisting he'd changed so quickly? This is not someone who is trying to mess you around and he isn't for real either, he just isn't in touch with reality.
Stop worrying about how he feels for you and take a look at how you feel for him. You are going to have to ride his emotional roller coaster if you keep seeing him and always be at the mercy of his moods. Is he really worth that?
You can't save him either, no matter what he feels for you. So consider your own wellbeing first.
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The Question
Yes.. it's the dreaded Christmas present questions. I have absolutely no clue what to get my boyfriend. Well, I was considering giving him a framed photo of myself.. would that be too weird? We're currently in an online relationship, so I can't take him out anywhere. He's 20 years old, by the way. Can someone help me out a bit there? Is the framed photo a bad idea?
Thanks!
The Answer
Since he probably doesn't see you much in person, a photograph isn't a terrible idea. I wouldn't give him *just* that though. It seems a bit conceited by itself.
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The Question
I recently started dating a guy Ive had a crush on for some time now. I was exstatic, because I really liked him. Now, Ive known this guy for seven years, and had little crushes on him every now and then, but only recently did it develop into something bigger. The only draw back was he had dated a friend of mine at one point. It lasted about 4 months between them, and she broke it off with him.
Normally I would have confronted her about the fact that I liked him and asked permission. It didnt seem like a big deal anyhow: she broke up with him, has since had other boyfriends (even currently), and it was quite awhile ago. They even broke up on good terms. However, someone managed to tell her before I had a chance (thank you rumour mill) and I was wrong; she was pissed. She claims its because it would be weird for her to "hang out in a group setting." Please take into consideration the last time we hung out was over the summer, over 4 months ago.
My question is this: Is this wrong of me? I have no intentions of breaking it off with him. I dont profess my undying love for him, but we seem really good together, and Id like to pursue it further. So now what?
The Answer
Your friend is allowed to be irritated by this but it seems like you have already made up your mind. You don't feel like you are betraying her and you don't plan on ditching this guy over her feelings.
So the real problem is, how to deal with your miffed friend.
There is no reason to make a huge deal about this because it isn't a huge deal. Don't let her blow it out of proportion or turn it into a drama with all your mutual friends. Tell her you are sorry you didn't tell her first and that you really like him and will keep seeing him. If she insists it would be awkward to hang out tell her you don't feel that way but are sorry she does, because it means you probably wont be hanging out together much. Make it crystal clear that you don't have a problem with her and that you know you didn't do anything wrong.
If you don't really hang out anyways, then there is no actual problem. If she doesn't want to hang out with you two 'in a group setting' then she can stay home.
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The Question
Theres a man who is married that me and my best friend are friends with and I feel he has been acting inappropriatley with us. He winks at me when his wife isnt looking and I've caught him staring at my chest. This one time he invited me and my other friend over when his wife was at work and he started offering us both wine. Then he said 'lets play strip poker". We both looked shocked at him and he started laughing and said he was joking but the fact that he said it made me a little uncomfortable. I also found out that he confides in my other friend about his marriage and all his problems with his wife. According to my friend he tells her that his wife is stupid and that he hates her kids.
Does anyone else think this is strange behavior for a married man?
The Answer
Strange? Yes, and rather horrible.
If you are interested in maintaining a friendship with him at all I would talk to him about this. Don't ask for his opinion. Simply tell him this is what you do and I don't like it.
But frankly, I can't imagine why you would want to be friends with a man who seems to think you'll help him cheat on his wife. If I were you, I would be ending this friendship post haste.
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The Question
how can i get my guy to take more control in our relationship when it comes to intimacy? it seems like whenever we do anything i have to make the first move. i mean once i make a move hes into it... but he wont do ANYTHING unless i do it first... is it cause hes scared hell offend me or what? so why and how can i change it? thanx
The Answer
How about asking him? Or talking to him?
If subtle hints haven't worked then it is time to spell it right out for him. Maybe even send him a script or a story of exactly what you'd like him to do.
He is probably afraid of doing something you don't like or of being laughed at. You need to make it absolutely clear what you want and like and he needs to be able to trust you enough to take those risks. So get talking!
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The Question
Okay like 2 weeks ago I met these 2 boys when I stayed after school they are best friends and they are about my age. And one is pretty cute and the other is ya know... -not my type- and both of them like me I know it might be mean to go for the cuter one but I dunno i would feel bad. And on a different note. I dont know if I should play hard to get with the cuter one cuz believe me I wish I could just kiss them right there and but I dont want to feel to "easy" to him because my school has a HUGE reputation of gossiping all this crap to other people. And if I seem easy the whole world would know..ya know? I dont even know help me if you can
The Answer
Stop worrying about what other people think.
Maybe you'll hurt the other boy's feelings, but that doesn't seem to me like a good enough reason to not go after the guy you are interested in.
As for playing hard to get: I don't know why girls think that is a good idea. Teenage guys are a dense as bricks, play hard enough to get and they'll never even notice you are there.
Besides, there is no reason to be sly about it. Be yourself, joke and smile and make it clear you like talking to him. Be straight up about liking him, take a risk (it isn't even much of a risk if you already know he likes you) and do as much as you are willing to do and let your school say what they will.
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The Question
Okay so there is this girl in my class and let's call her Shaquanda. She is a black girl that think's she is tough and can beat everyone up and I mean I am 5'4 but I am pretti tough and I have never let anyone step on me before and trust me I will fight when time is nessecary well Shaquanda was being a real idiot with me today giving me attitude when I wasn't even talking to her so of course I gave her attitude back causing a huge commosion during class. This bickering went on throughout the class and to tell you the truth I never liked her and she never liked me. So after class the etacher talks to us and tell us to patch things up or something and I definetly am not gunna do that and sheisin't either but she has nerve to tell the teacher she wasn't giving me attitude because if I know Shaquanda that's the exact thing she was doing. I was about to plant my fist in her face right in front of the teach I mean how can someone lie like that. Oh it got me so mad. She was acting like a immature brat and I want to bust her face up!! lol (im not this evil) lol Well tell me what i should do!
- Oh and please I dont want to here that stupid stuff saying "just say sorry and everything will be alright" because I don't say sorry I don't path thing's up and knowing her she wouldn't either so just help me
-Thanks!
The Answer
Ignore her.
She is a liar and an annoyance. Your teacher knows it, even if you don't think they do. Don't become an "immature brat" as you so eloquently called her. There is no reason. Next time she gives you attitude, realize it isn't worth your time responding because whenever you do respond, you are just as bad as her, and likely to get in just as much trouble.
Edit in response to rating: Tough Luck.
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The Question
I'm a high school sophomore. I've been playing volleyball for travel ever since I was in 7th grade. This year, I haven't really been interested in playing volleyball. I didn't try out this year for club, but they have an opening for me. My dad's heart is set on me playing volleyball, but it doesn't interest me anymore. When I told him I didnt want to try out, he got really mad at me. Should I play travel or not? I don't want to but it would make my dad happy. If not, what should I say to him that won't make him upset or mad at me? Please help!
The Answer
Just explain to him calmly that you aren't interested in playing volleyball this year. Say it like you aren't expecting a fight or an argument because there shouldn't need to be one. Maybe you have other things you rather focus on, or maybe you were sick of the traveling, any reason that is true you can give but in the end the best reason is that you don't want to. It is pointless to do things you don't want to do, you'll only do them half-heartedly and in this case, let your team down.
Your Dad might be upset with your decision, you should expect that and that is okay, but there is no reason at all for him to be mad with you. If he does get mad, ignore him; he has no right to be angry with you for making the decision that makes you happy.
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The Question
how can i get people to love talking to me?
The Answer
Listen, and I mean truly pay attention to what the other person is saying and then ask questions, or add something of your own to the topic.
The people I like talking to the best are the ones who are actually paying attention to what I say, not just waiting for thier chance to talk. You don't need to be the center of attention, you need to give the people who talk to you your total attention, and from there, let your own sense of humour and experiences flow freely and honestly.
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The Question
I have this friends who makes fun of me all the time and she makes fun of me around other people too. It makes them think that its ok to make fun of me becasue she does. What can i say to her to make her stop.
The Answer
Just tell her to stop.
Then when she does it again kindly remind her to stop.
Don't call her names or be nasty, just explain to her that she is hurting your feelings and you hope she will stop. Chances are if she is a friend who cares about you, she will do her best.
And if she doesn't, then she isn't a friend, and you don't need to be hanging around her.
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The Question
How can you tell if a guy is interested in you or interested in using you?
The Answer
You trust your gut.
Some guys are very smooth and can keep you tagging along for ages before your catch on to their games. The best thing to do is trust your instincts and ask questions.
Go back over your conversations in your mind and ask yourself "Was he really interested in me, my ideas or feelings? Did he always steer the conversation to something sexual?"
Remember that your feelings are important and should be important to him. If you feel like he is only using you for one thing, tell him so. Don't let him pooh-pooh it away. He should be able to respond to your concerns, not make you feel guilty or blamed for doubting him.
Finally please remember you don't have to wait till you are sure you are being used to end a relationship. Stop worrying for a minute about how he feels and think about your own feelings for him. Is he really worth putting up with this doubt or angst over?
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The Question
The guy that I'm seeing is a real pig. He has a beer guy because he'll go out drinking all the time with his friends and down 12 beers. He farts all the time and has bad breath and body odor. He has red veigns on his nose from all his drinking. Also he dresses like he's thin, he'll wear tight jeans and t shirts but it looks ridicuous because he's about 30 pounds overweight.
It's really hard for me to get turned on by him. It's not just the way he looks sometimes he can be a real jerk. The last straw was when I phoned him on his cell on he told me to only phone him if it was after 6.
I want to dump him but I don't know how to go about it. Should I tell him that his appearance turns me off or would that be too mean?
The Answer
Why would you want to be nice?
It isn't just his body that turns you off. It is the entire personality and priorities that he has. For example, I imagine you consider bathing and being sober important things in your life. Well, he clearly doesn't!
Tell him you are annoyed and disgusted with the way he spends his time and the way he has decided to look. You don't like it so you are leaving. That is plenty good enough.
If you respect his decisions and just happen to disagree with some of his choices I can see trying to be nice. But if you think he is being a pig, go ahead and tell him so. It might be the nicest thing you can do for him.
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The Question
I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years a few weeks ago for my own reasons that I'm not getting into - just know it was for both of us, not just me, that I did it.
It was a bit of a conversation, but one thing I did ask was that he not forget about me and consider me a friend. Since then, he's attempted contact (via AIM) a couple times, and each time it's ended with me in tears and him saying he doesn't think he can handle talking to me just yet.
The thing is, I don't miss him. I'm happy single right now. This is what I need and I'm glad I did it. I feel bad because I know I hurt him, yet he agreed with my reasoning and seemed to think I was right.
Was it wrong of me asking him to keep our friendship? If I don't miss him, why do I always end up crying?
Please, hold off on the chatspeak. You'll get rated down and nobody wants that.
The Answer
I don't think what you asked for was wrong in any way; you might just need to accept that you can't be friends right now.
What your feelings are, and what his are, aren't very important anymore. You've made your choice and are happy with it. The problem seems to be that this relationship is still so emotionally charged that you can't speak to each other without dragging up lots of negative feelings.
I honestly think you should consider either, not speaking to him for a good while longer, or at least make sure that your conversations are very short, stick the pleasantries and don't try to have a deep heart-felt conversation about anything. You both need to retrain yourselves and behave differently the new situation. You've had two years together and these patterns you have of telling each other everything and discussing your feelings in depth were great when you were together, but now they are pointless and very hurtful to both of you.
You don't pour your heart out every time you speak to a 'friend', so don't do it every time you speak to him.
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The Question
I have a boyfriend that I am very much inlove with. But in every relationship that I am ever in it goes great until they want to do something sexual! I duno why i just get really shy and scared. its not that im afraid of the thing its just im afraid of doing it with the person! its kind of confusing. I really love my boyfriend though and I want to be able to do stuff with him when the time comes cause I love him to death! How can I loosen up? Any advice?
I rate well
The Answer
I think you just asked and answered your own question darling.
"When the time comes" is exactly right. BUT the time must be right for you as well as the guy you are with. Shyness and fear are probably your minds way of telling you that you are not confident enough in the relationship with that person to take it to that level.
Focus on what you want, not your relationship or what he wants, but what you yourself are interested in doing with them. When the time does come, and you are ready to make that decision for yourself, explain your fear to your partner and take it slow.
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The Question
I have a '05 mustang GT and I wont let anyone drive it. I don't even let my best friend who I've known since we were 3 drive it. But, apparently, my bf thinks he should be an acceptation.
We were supposed to go to a concert last night. Well, he called me up and told me that we can't take his car because he didn't have any gas and we were running late. I told him that I didn't want to take my car because the concert was in a different city and I didn't know how to get there. He gets very irritated when he has to tell someone where to go when they are driving. So, me driving was not an option.
He then suggested that he drives my car. I said no. He asked why not and I told him what I always tell him, no one drives my car.
I said that I'd even pay for the gas and that I didn't care if we were a few min. late.
He didn't pay attention to that and got all upset because I wouldn't let him drive. We ended up in an argument and didn't go to the concert.
I have my reasons for not letting my friends drive my car. Most of which is because most of them are not responsible drivers. So I don't see why my bf feels that he should be an acceptation. I'm not going to let him drive it and I'm not going to apologize. Should I just wait until he comes around?
The Answer
Ignore his little temper tantrums. It is your car and your choice. He can either suck it up and give you directions from the passenger seat or stay home.
He will probably try to make a big issue of this. (I can just hear it now "You should trust me!") Please don't let him, don't make an exception just because he throws a fit.
Some guys just can't stand having the women drive. Sesh.
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The Question
Hi,
I am 19, blonde and VERY pale. I consequentially can't find any decent colours of make-up - if I wear anything too pale, I look wishy-washy as I already have fair hair and skin. If I wear anything darker, I look gothic and I have nothing against goths but that's not what I'm going for :) Does anyone have any suggestions for some natural-looking make-up? Or some colours that may work? I have grey eyes, if that helps.
Thanks!
P.S. This has to be suitable for work, as I am a nanny and don't want to scare the children in my charge lol! On the other hand, some ideas for going-out make-up would be good too :)
The Answer
It's very tough to give good advice about make-up without actually seeing you. However I am very pale as well and find that very dusty pinks, or light brown-pinks work best for my face.
I'd suggest you have your colours done by a professional though, at a department store or a salon. They will have alot better tips then anyone here I bet.
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