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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Okay, well my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 years. Well I went away on vacation, just for 2 days, to a spa. Well, my bf has a niece, and he called me asking to come home, because his neice was sick, but she didnt have a fever, and he thought she was having "feminine problems". Well as soon as i came home i saw his friends car. They've known each other forever, and have a lot in common, and shes really sexy. She could get any guy she wants, but she always wanted to be with MY bf, but he never liked her. Well when i walked inside, she was giving him a hug, and was like, "I am sssoooo glad you called, oh, hey girl, he needed help, and i came to the rescue. We were going to go get dinner, but i guess we can cancel the reservation..." and then my bf was like, "How about i make us dinner?" and we both agreed. Well, ever since then, his friend, shes been there every time im not. I put my car in the garage sometimes, and shes always there. When the door wasnt open, and she couldnt find the key, she climbed in our window. WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX! i couldnt believe it. I asked her to back off, that we were in love and all she said was, "I wouldn't be so sure of your relationship, when he has a hot friend, who has a lot in common, who hes known forever." I told him, but he said dont worry. Idk, what should i do?? I trust him, but i can never be too sure. Who should i trust? Thanks
The Answer
Do you trust him? Really?
Because it's obvious that this girl has actively chossen to cross the 'friend' line. She is trying very hard to develope an intimacy with him. Has he even noticed? Is he uncomfortable with her behavoir? Those are questions you are entitled to answer too.
If he IS unconfortable with her behavoir, he needs your support in standing up to her and saying so. Remind him he wont loose her friendship if she is a true friend just because he tells her there are things she does that make him uncomfortable.
If he ISN'T uncomfortable with her over clingy, invasive behavoir, then you have a serious problem. It means he is eitehr too clueless to realize that her behavoir is not OK, or he doesn't want it to stop.
If he thinks the way she is behaving is OK, he needs to be frankly informed that it is not. Perhaps suggest to him how he might feel if you behaved in her 'friendly' way to another guy besides him. It is great to have friends and he is free to choose his friends, but if what he chooses is a friendship where they actively try to break up his relationship you might want to choose to leave.
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The Question
What does it mean when a mare is in heat? What are signs of it and why does it cause problems when riding?
The Answer
A mare goes into heat when she is ovulating and could become pregnant. A mare being in 'standing heat' means that she is ready to mate.
Every mare is different, just like human women. With some mares, it's obvious when they are heat, they become anxious, distracted and sometimes down right mean. It's even more obvious if you have a stallion around, but there are no definate physical signs, they change from mare to mare.
Mares can go into heat several times a year, but always during the breeding season in spring and early summer. Being in heat lasts for about 8 days.
During this time your mare can be difficult to handle, uncoperative and distracted (her mind is on something else). Some mares barely change at all while they are in heat, others become almost unmanagable. It's important they get normal exercise however. If you mare in heat gets bored, you will definately have an unhappy horse.
Mares become difficult to ride because of the attitude issues I mentioned before, but perhaps most important, mares become difficult to ride because stallions can behave horribly around a mare in heat. A difficult stallion can become completely uncontrollable around a mare in heat. Even very skilled riders keep thier distance from any stallion while on a mare in heat: the stituation can become dangerous.
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The Question
Not so much technology, but definitely advicenators.
I've been reading questions recently, and noticing more and more that someone will post an answer, and the next person will say something like "I would like to point out to [insert advicenator's name here] that this person was not asking THIS, he/she was asking THAT." or "[insert advicenator's name here], you're WRONG."
If an advicenator is wrong about something like a definition, it shows in the rest of the answers that come up - it's unnecessary to tell them they're wrong.
Does it bother anyone else when advicenators bicker, or pick on other advicenators' advice?
I dunno, I just thought this was a site for people to help each other.
Am I wrong?
The Answer
I agree with that the bickering and 'calling out' gets a bit out of control lately, but we SHOULD correct one another polietly and offer counter points to other peices of advice. That, in my opinion, is part of being thorough. Although with defination questions is much clearer, with other topics (lets take sex, as an example) I think it's very, very important to point out that information given was incorrect.
I know I've been incorrect in advice I've given before. I don't resent it being pointed out in a polite way. I learn something, and helps me improve.
As so many things in this world it comes down to respect. Being rude, disrespectful and even given bad advice, is not agianst strictly against the rules (although, if you are in doubt about something you see, alwasy report it and let a moderator decide if they should get involved).
Sadly, we can't demand all collumnists behave respectfully, we can only model the behavoir.
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The Question
My friend, Jayelle (16) is very into drugs and although I have been friends with her for three years, I'm way different than her. I'm not into that and no one can influence me to do so. However, she's ruining her life and she doesn't care and slowly she's trying to drag me with her.
Her parents don't know that she uses drugs and I don't see how. She's always high and she has drugs in her room. They're clueless. I don't feel comftrable being around her anymore and I have talked to her about it but it goes in one ear and out the other so I stoped trying.
She got upset with me because I did not want to hang out with her because of it and I honestly did not feel guilty for it.
Here's the problem. Both Jayelle & I got invited to a college party but I would not go because they're crazy and I did not want anything bad to happen but she still decided to go. She called me at 2 in the morning asking me to come pick her up. I'm also 16 and I don't have a car of my own so there was no way I could leave. I felt really bad because I knew she was in deep trouble. High, drunk and with a bunch of older guys. I freaked out so I called her older sister who is 18. She acted calm and went and picked her up. I got a phone call from Jayelle the next day cursing me out and blaming me for getting grounded. I felt really bad but I honestly don't feel like it's my fault.
Even though I don't want to be friends with her because of the things she does, I still don't want anything bad to happen to her. Her mother found her drugs and basically cursed me out for it because I didn't go with her to the party and "protect" her. I was shocked.. hearing that from an adult! My mom took my side and is proud of me for not following into her footsteps but there is a part of me that feels horrible. What do I do. Thank you so much!!
The Answer
Take a deep breath and deal with feeling awful for a little while.
What you did was correct. You know it was correct. It's okay to have feelings that aren't rational (like feeling guilty when you've done nothing wrong), just so long as you stick to your guns and don't back down just because you don't feel great about your decision. Everyone knows it was still the right one, probably even Jayelle and her mother.
Their anger is about their own failure, not anything you did.
At least her mother's behavior has clarified one thing for you: Jayelle is not going to change any time soon. Why would she? If he parents are convinced it's YOUR fault (and everyone else's) not Jayelle's, there is no reason for her to change and no reason for her to take responsibility for her actions.
If her adult mother has decided to blame a teen-aged peer for her daughters drug use and safety, you can certainly see Jayelle does not have a good role model as far as ‘taking responsibility’ goes. This situation is going to get worse before it gets better.
You are perfectly right to remove yourself from situations you find uncomfortable. If you can do that and still remain friends with Jayelle, go ahead. If you can’t, don’t feel too guilty about gently letting the friendship die. You are responsible for yourself first, not her. If talking or being with her makes your compromise yourself, stresses you out or otherwise makes your miserable and subjects you to abuse for her or her mother, then end the friendship. You might feel bad about it for a while, but all your need to do is take a deep breath and deal with that irrational feeling too.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. Things were very well in the beginning of course, until up to 6 months ago. He's been acting really mean to me and always accusing me of cheating on him.
My boyfriend and I took some time apart in the month of November due to us constantly going at each other’s throats. I actually thought I was going to be alone for thanksgiving, since my family was not going to be in town. A good friend of mine invited me over to his family house for thanksgiving but I ended up canceling because my boyfriend called and asked if I would go spend time with him and his family. It was short notice but of course I'm going to drop everything to be with him, he's my man. Later that night, I guess my BF checked my phone because he started yelling at me about having a backup plan for thanksgiving. He read the text message I sent my friend thanking him for the invite but that I was going to cancel. I've known this friend for a long time and there's never been anything between us, so I saw nothing wrong with the picture.
Anyway, since thanksgiving things have not seem to change. Just a week ago I texted my BF in the morning asking if he was awake yet (my exact words: Are you awake baby?). Well I would guess that the text message never went through because the following day he ended receiving the text. He received it when I was at the house with him. And oh boy did he go off on me. He was constantly asking me whom I was supposed to be sending that text to?
Now the latest thing is Christmas day. I guess he was trying to test me, he called my phone restricted and said nothing to me. I answered it (I had no idea it was him) and said hello about 4 times until I went to hang the phone up, but right when I hung the phone up, you could hear a mans voice say hello. I figured if it was important they would call back. Well he yelled at me today for it. He told me that it was him that called my phone, and that it was so ironic that I would hang the phone up as soon as I heard a man's voice. He said that if I were not cheating on him, I would have spoke to that person.
I don't understand why he's playing these games with me, I've never cheated on him and I would never dream of cheating on him. I do everything for this man, and I love him unconditionally. Please I need some advice; I don't know what to do. I really don't want our relationship to end, but all this fighting that's going on is hurting me emotionally and physically; my body can't take this stress anymore. Please, fill me in with your thoughts.
Thank You =)
The Answer
Dump him.
You can't handle this and you shouldn't have to handle this. He is irrational, cruel, distrustful and is sounds like you might be fearing an edge of physical violence to his outbursts.
The best thing you can do is remove yourself from this situation. It sends him a clear message that his behavoir is not acceptable and it keeps you safe.
What you are describing are not 'lover's quarells' or 'spats' or even 'fights', they are him trying to control you with fear and guilt. Each time you are not afriad or guilty, he finds a way to step it up a notch and renew his threats. When a partner becomes violent and paranoid, there isn't a 'relationship' to save. The only thing you are continuing if you remain with him is his abuse and control of you.
You need to take a deep breath, break up, and mourn a relationship that likely ended back in November. Anything else is just dragging out your misery.
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The Question
i'm a junior and im already soooo nervous about college! not applying and getting in, but im nervous about like living there and all the new people. i have really close friends, but im not a partier and i actually like living in my house with my family. im not allowed to live at home, but im so scared and its still like 2 years away! calm my nerves!!!
The Answer
If it's two years away, you really need to relax. Right now you should be very nervous about 'going to college'. You aren't ready to go yet! You have two years to grow and mature and learn to cope. If the idea didn't scare you a bit right now I'd worry about your mental health.
A lot will happen in the next two years to build your confidence. Let it happen. Don't undermine yourself by worrying about things that are years away.
You are who you are. I too, was not allowed to live at home when I went away to school. Also, not much a partier, but I still found fun things to do and good friends at school. Most colleges are signifigantly larger then highschools. There are a lot of people, who will all be in the same situation as you: Looking for new friends.
You'll do fine. Just relax.
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The Question
how do i tell my girlfriends that she needs to shave down there without being really mean. she can be kinda sensitive about that kinda stuff. help please.
The Answer
Well, frankly, you can't tell her that she *needs* to shave, because she doesn't *need* too. There is no medical reason that she must shave her vagina, in fact, it's suggested that woman might be healthier if they don't.
SO, if you would LIKE her to do so, that is something you may gently bring up as a request. If you keep your message positive (say “I would think it’s awesome if…”) instead of negative (don’t say “It looks messy this way…”) and be patient, you should be able to avoid hurting her feelings. It might take her a long time to get around to it, and you'll need to be very supportive of her first efforts and very patient as she takes this risk.
Seriously darling, think about how frightening it would be to take a blade close to your most delicate skin... It's scary and it takes a while to get used too and a while to get good at.
Welcome to humanity, where if you want someone to change, you must be positive and patient and accept that you still might not get what you want. Because if she doesn't want to shave, I'm afraid you are shit outta luck.
Ask nicely, a few times, encourage and be supportive, be honest about what you would like and find attractive and then let her make the decision for herself. It’s her hair. She has do all the work and live with the results. It’s her choice.
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The Question
My gf (f/28) of 1.5 yrs. hates where I (m/36) live and often complains that the traffic/crime/people are really bad. Long story short she will not come to my place unless the electricity has been turned off at hers and complains that it's tiny compared to hers which she rents at a discount becuz her bff runs the apt. complex. Recently she's begun coming over to my place more often due to the fact that she has a temp. job in the area but now due to several murders that have occurred in her apt. complex causing her and her bf to consider moving, she says she's going to make me upgrade to a two bedroom apartment and move in with me since I signed a 9 mo. lease a few mos. back in disregard of her plea that I move in with her. I'm at a loss and rather tired of the pressure she applies re: this issue, I already spend big $$ on gas to get to her place and she is unwilling to meet me halfway regarding how much time we spend at each others apt. I feel she's being a hypocrite and would like to know what you think I should do.
The Answer
You are currently feeling put-upon and resentful, if nothing else, those are two damn good reasons not to move in with this woman. You two can't see eye-to-eye on your separate living arrangements, no need to make a stressful issue even worse by narrowing the proximity.
Couples who think moving in together will solve their problems might be even dumber then couples who think having sex with solve their problems…
Regardless of the complete truth of the situation, if you perceive this situation as one where she is going to 'make you upgrade' you should seriously reconsider whether the two of you can compromise sufficiently to stay together.
You are on the road to a break-up, which frankly, I think you are damn well aware of and are simply looking for some support on this one issue which is just a smokescreen for your larger dissatisfaction with the relationship…
You need someone to agree with you and I'm happy to oblige. Your relationship sounds neither healthy nor well-balanced. End it already. If you are not yet prepared to end it, then gently and firmly support your girlfriend as she finds a new place to live, without you.
Whatever you do, call a spade a spade hun. If what you really want is out, get out.
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The Question
Ok so, I dated this great guy for about half a year but i messed it up by breaking a promise i made to him. I promised him that i would never drink and drive. but one night i had just a sip of vodka and drove home 2 hours later, i dont consider that drinking and driving, but he did and he broke up with me, the day before homecomming. I was miserable, i just couldnt forgive myself on how i messed up somthing so great. I truly did love him and im not just some stupid teenager who goes around saying that to everyone, i mean it. I even loved the bad things about him.
I tried fixing things a million times, but it just didnt work. Then i found out one of my good friends started talking to him on the phone a few days after we broke up and they liked eachother. that killed me so i called him later that night and yelled at him, because to me that is extreme disrespect. but now me and my friend fixed everything and we're friends again.
Now its 3 months since we broke up and im dating someone new. hes really sweet but i feel like i dont deserve him because i still find myself thinking of my ex, everyday. I just cant stand what a stupid mistake i made. This new guy says that he loves me but i cant say it back. i really like him but he just dosnt do the things that my ex did that made me feel so special. I know i should get over him and belive me i want to but i just cant do it. What i want to know is how long has it taken for some of you to get over an ex that you really loved and how do i get over it once and for all? I know im not being fair to my new boyfriend but i dont want to let him go because im afraid ill regret it, i just dont know what to do.
The Answer
Forgive yourself.
The trick here is to realize this isn't so much about this great ex of yours (in fact, I humbly suggest that your ex might not be that great at all, but we'll get to that in a second) this is about you forgiving yourself for a past error.
To dump someone for a single mistake is the behavoir of someone who is either a tad controling and believes in 'punishing' thier partner, or someone who is looking for an excuse to break up. His demand that you not drink and drive, although totally a correct expectation, was taken to an extreem when he ended a relationship because of a single error of judgment.
With that in mind, forgive yourself, and the rest will follow: You'll begin to realize that the exes behavoir was in fact not perfect either and you'll be able to let go of him.
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The Question
okay so i'm kinda stuck. see my family's not racest but they dont like me dating another race.and i am really starting to like somebody that's black and he likes me.and i have a feeling we may date.what do i do?
The Answer
Prepare your parents for it gently and remember that being 'agianst' inter-racial dating is in fact rascist. The idea that 'There is nothing wrong with those people, we just don't want them dating our people' IS VERY RACIST.
If there are other objections to this boy, based on his behavoir or who he is as a person, you should listen closely to those, as your family is only trying to keep your safe. If thier only objection is the colour of his skin, tell them that that simply isn't a good enough reason for you not to date him.
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The Question
16/f Junior in HS
i have trust issues, lets start with that. the last guy i was involved with made a bunch of lies and rumors making me look like a whore. my boyfriend of 6 months, a few years ago told me he still loved me when we broke up but he apparently didn't love me that much because he had a new girlfriend by the end of the day. i told my best friend my deepest secret and she spread it around school. my social life has changed dramatically this past year and now it has affected my love life.
my last serious relationship was 2years ago. it was amazing while it lasted and we truly were in love with each other. i had a fling over the summer but it went horribly wrong. everytime i tell a guy i like them they get a girlfriend the next day. i had a chance at getting into a relationship a few months ago but the more i talked to him the more things i found that i didn't like about him. i set high standards. well i think they're high.
i need a guy who:
-gives me space but is there when i need them
-is active in at least one sport (no computer/video game nerds{but im not saying video games are off limits})
-has to be respectful
-older than me or only younger by a month
-doesnt have hair past their shoulders
-doesnt smoke anything(i dont care about drinking as long as its not excessive)
-likes watching movies
-likes to cuddle
-wont try to make out with me in front of his friends just to show off
-wants to go to college
i don't go for just anyone. i don't like having my heart broken and i rarely put it out there. now, theres a guy who meets my standards but i'm not sure if he likes me back. we flirt a lot but i dont know if he thinks its just being nice. i need a book for understanding guys. seriously if theres a book let me know. so back to my flirty guy. he's a friend of a guy friend that i have and i've hung out with him once out of school and that was halloween. okay so on to my question(s)
1-do i have high standards?
2-is there a book for understanding teenage guys(i like to read)
3-should i go for it with this guy?
4-how do i go for it? i have one class with him
5- how do you ask for a guys AIM screen name without sounding like a crazy stalker?
6-how do you turn friendly flirting to "im interested in you" flirting?
wow 6 questions. i give you credit if you even attempt to answer all of this.
: )
The Answer
1 - You actually HAVE standards, which will set your apart from many girls your age. Having standards is a good thing, even better if you stick to them, but some of your expectations are a bit much. Someone who 'likes movies' 'plays at least one sport' and 'doesn't have hair past thier shoulders' should be filed away under 'it would be nice if they...' not 'they absolutely must!'. It's okay to have standards and okay to have preferences, but calling your preferences 'standards' is a good way to become judgmental and rigid.
2 - Frankly, understanding 'people' is way more valuable then understanding 'boys'. After all, boys are just people too. Picking up books on interpersonal skills and personiality types can be a great help, but for help understanding boys, espcailly the younger ones, try "He's Just Not That Into You" if you haven't already.
3 - Why not? Go in with an open mind a willingness to take the risk.
4, 5 and 6 - These questions basically come down to "You just do it!" If a person is also flirting back, even a bit, these things become rather simple and straightforward. Start talking about things you have in common, class, teacher, friends, school-stuff. You can even get his AIM name by talking about school things (ie "Do you think you could proof this essay OR I could help you with those questions tonight. Give me your AIM.") From there, be yourself and be honest. Things will either flow naturally to something more, or they wont.
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The Question
okay so i just got my braces off and i have a permanent retainer behind my like 5 bottom middle teeth and behing my two front teeth on the top. you can't see the retainers because theyre like inside my mouth, behind my teeth. do you think it's going to be a problem when i'm making out with someone. like do you think they'll feel it?
The Answer
Nope, not a problem. They will probably never even notice it.
The majority of adults who had braces, have those permenant wires, so most people understand what and where they are. Also, french kissing rarely get thier tongue sliding along the backs of your teeth... Think about that... it's not an easy angle.
Don't worry about it.
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The Question
17 f
I think my boyfriend might have AIDS ....I know it sounds bad but I can't be too sure. Ever since my last boyfriend I've just been so cautious about every new relationship . But about my boyfriend I've tried asking him and everytime I ask him he says he's 99.9 positive he doesn't have aids. Is there any way I could find wether he does or doesn't? I just want to be safe I don't want to catch any transmitted diseases from anyone but he refuses to get checked I don't know what to do I really love him but I don't want to do anything with him without knowing.
The Answer
Any partner you ever have who refuses to get an STD check you should refuse to sleep with, and possibly date at all.
There is NO excuse, NONE at all, for any responsible adult to refuse an STD test. Any excuse he may offer: Total bullshit.
There are STDs that have no symptoms and STDs you can catch despite condoms. If you have sex then you CANNOT KNOW IF YOU ARE CLEAN UNLESS YOU ARE TESTED.
You are wise not to trust him. Unless he is a virgin, he can't possible claim to be clean of all desieases unless he has been tested.
Tell him you wont sleep with him until he gets tested and stick to it. If he refuses, if he guilts you and insults you and tries to bully you into having sex without having a test done, DUMP HIM.
You are right to refuse to take risks with your health. If he can't respect that, let him go find some other girl to infect.
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The Question
gender: F
age : 13
ok so i am a christian and i know that the Bible talks about how you should not be jealous... but i can't help it.
between me and my step-sister, dont get me wrong we get along most of the time, but she has so much more than me. She gets hollister, american eagle A&&F... you name it and she gets it when ever she wants... a HUGE walk in closet of it too.
when i have a coat rack (because my step mom has the walk in closet and my dad has my closet)... ( i am only at my dad's every other weekend)
back to the topic.... i dont have that much... its not that i dont mind it... its just that my step mom always tells me that me and my step-sister should get treated fairly. (but she gets so much more).
sometimes my step mom asks me what i think about living with them... but i dont really want to.... but my point is is that they think that they shouldn't buy me any other closes because that is what "child support is for"
HELP ME what should i do
The Answer
Part your problem can be fixed by understanding this little fact of life: Being treated 'fairly' is not the same as being treated 'the same'.
When your step-mother says (if she has ever said such an inappropraite thing as it) that clothing is what 'child support is for' what she is really saying is 'we are TRYING to be fair to you both, but we can't possibly treat you same, and there are some things that our out of our control.'
The best thing you can possibly do is talk to your step-mom and dad about this. You don't know what the arragments are with your mother, or all the details of it. You don't know about your mothers 'needs'. Although yes, child support could go towards name-brand clothing, your mother might have much more important needs that is must go towards first, like keeping a roof over your head.
If you are getting old enough to wonder about these things, you are getting old enough to ask your dad and your mom about the details of the arrangment. It's difficult for things to seem 'fair' if one parent has very differet curcimstances then another. It also might simply be that your mom doesn't believe in money being spent that way...
Whatever the case, it's time to start talking about it in a mature way. That means not making demands but asking a few questions, and listening very closes to all the answers.
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The Question
I'm 18.. and a virgin..
I've been going out with a guy for a year now...we love eachother alot...
I want to have sex after marriage..
due to religious reasons and also because i think it will be of more value when you have sex for the first time on your first night...
But he wants to have sex before that....
the 1st time i explained my reasons to him he said he understood.. but now he seems to be changing..
a few days ago he bought that conversation up again
and when i explained it to him all over again he was pissed with me
"aren't you willing to have sex with me?" "dont you love me?" "why are you doing this to me?"
etc
why is he in such a hurry? doesnt he value me or respect me???
what can be wrong
I just dont know what to do now..
please help me:(
please dont tell me to dump him... I love him alot and i cant live without him...
is anything wrong with me??? if so please explain ...
Please help me...
The Answer
There is nothing wrong with you.
There is something very wrong with him. He thought you were going to change your mind. He didn't take your view on sex seriously. Worse of all, he is trying to blackmail and bully you into sleeping with him. Hw thinks he can guilt you into sex.
He doesn't value your opinion, and yes, what he is doing is disrespectful. You were honest and upfront with him. He was foolish not to believe you.
You've done nothing wrong.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be having sex until you are married. If he can't deal with that, it's time for you to part ways.
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The Question
My girlfriend keeps tellin me that she cant have sex with me because she is on her periods ,is she right or is it just a trick girls use as an excuse not to have sex
The Answer
If she doesn't wanna have sex with you right then, then you are shit outta luck my friend.
It's entirely up the women what she is comfortable with. There is no reason she can't have sex on her period, but if she doesn't WANT to have sex on her period you are just going to have to deal with it.
No means no, even when it's your girlfriend. it doesn't matter why.
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The Question
i used to had a boyufriend we were together for 2 years and a half and afte r several things like him not being tolerant enough , and him criticising everything i do , wehre do i go , who do i talk to , my friends, family, my clothes, the things i like to do , and even the music i like to listen to ....this was a huge deal for me and i d ont want him back cause hes done kind of cheating things to me , but a part of me still wants him to be there, but i dont want him back! but when i notices he stops talking to me or things like this i always do something that give him like the hope we are getting back (oh cause he always try to make us be together again) the weird part ...is that a part of me knows that im better of without him, and hes not the one for me ......but the other part...still wants him to like me and being there like trying to get back and doing this kind of things =S that part doesn't want him to move on , i cant imagine seeing him with someone else or dating anyone else,,,but at the same time i dont want him to be with me!! pleaseee help!! this is killing me and im also hurting him cause one day i make him understand i still want to get back and the next day i tell him something like oh im glad we broke up its better off this way :S
The Answer
Stop talking to him. As much as you can, stop looking at him, stop talking to him, stop thinking about it.
Lots of people 'feel' that way. They want thier ex to keep wanting them so that they can reject them all over agian and want thier ex to be miserable without them.
It's totally OK to feel that way. It's not OK to behave that way. What you are doing now and nasty and mean.
You need to let your intellect rule over your selfish desires to punish him and your jealously. Stop leading him on, stop obsessing, move on with your life and date other people.
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The Question
I'll make this short and simple.
Last year, I went with a guy to Homecoming, a friend set us up. We danced really dirty, became friends. Hung out twice: went to movies and once to taco bell. There are periods when he calls me often... I don't call him often at all.
I have been ignoring his messages ever since we went to taco bell, about September-ish. He texted me 3-4 times, never called me. All the texts said was what's up.
Today, 12:15am, I get three missed calls from him, a text message saying "whats up hadn't talked to you in hella long" and then a voicemail saying "I miss you call me back as soon as you can."
I don't like this boy. He seems fake, he used to drink heavily, although now he claims he doesn't do that anymore. He's very stupid. It's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with him, he pretends like he understands exactly what I mean. He doesn't.
My question: do I call him back, or keep ignoring him? I don't see him at all (we don't go to the same school, live half an hour away from each other, etc) I felt like I led him on while I was talking to him (I'm not sure if I really was though). We had some awkward moments where we questioned if we are just friends or are interested in dating. But what if he has deep feelings for me and I'll hurt him by either rejecting him or ignoring him. I just don't know what to do. I've never been in this situation before...
The Answer
You have two options: Keep ignoring and hope he is intelligent enough to get the picture OR call him up and say "Man, I'm busy and just not interested in hanging out with you right now."
If you've been ignoring him since September and he still hasn't got the hint, then it might actually be kinder and quicker to call him up and give him that message as causally, and as firmly, as possible. He might just be too dense otherwise.
Remember, you aren't breaking his heart his here. You two barely knew eachother at all. If he has built you up in his mind into his dream girl, that isn't your responsbilty to deal with. If he got his heart involved after hanging out three times, that speaks to his immaturity, not to anything you did. Your responsbility to him is to be honest.
As you've probably realized, his three calls in the wee hours of the morning SMACKS of "I was drunk and my friends were teasing me so I called this chick". That behavior probably deserves to be ignored.
Yes, ignoring him is a bit rude, but I wont hold it agianst you. The only reason I suggest you call him and tell him to shove off, is because he seems like he might be too dumb to get the message any other way.
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The Question
I'm 16, and my home life is good. i'm fed, clothed and sheltered etc.
but my parents make me feel absolutely miserable. i've spent some time on my own before, and i am more productive without them there.
I dont view myself mentally as 16--certain events in my life caused me to grow up too fast i think. (i have no friends my age) I'm almost 17.
When I'm at home i feel depressed. and I want to move out badly.
It might take a while- until i can reach financial independence, and pay my parents back for my car-- but if my parents say no to me moving out- i think im going to go crazy. im already going crazy here.
I know that if i move out- and move in with my boyfriend (which we've wanted to do for some time now) it'll be rough. and im willing to accept the hard times ahead. it'll certainly be better than what i have now with my parents. we dont connect at all. we've tried for at least 10 years. im more productive when im on my own- examples-- my schoolwork i can do when im alone, my music i only do when my parents aren't home.
if my parents dont let me move out, i want to try and bring it up in court for emancipation (once im financially ready to support myself)
if i did bring this situation up in court, do you think i would get emancipation? what good claims do i need for emancipation, and will anything above help towards the case on my side?
The Answer
EDIT: You response is sadly perfect proof, that like many deeply intelligent people, you are also suffering from a deep-seated mental illness. Please, continue your counseling and your medications. I wish you only the best. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you, whatever your chioces. Please take care of yourself.
Emancipation is a legal tool for young people who need to *protected* from the legal decisions of their parents. Typically, because their parents are refusing them medical treatment the teen feels they need, are using their name for unethical finical dealings, or are being abused in some way.
You don't mention abuse. What it sounds like you are talking about is very serious personality conflicts and enjoying being without them rather then with them. I have to be honest love, I have eight siblings and when each and every one of us was 16 we would have much rather listened to our music, danced, eaten, done our homework, without our parents in our space. Yes, your case might be significantly worse, but what you describing is certainly not unique to only you.
If your parents are not abusing you, what you thinking about when you ask about emancipation is trying to insult them. If there is no legal reason for emancipation, then what you are trying to do is 'stick it to them' and get back at them. That is mean, unnecessary and ruins any chance you might have of having a civil relationship with them ever in your life.
My other argument is a realistic one. When will you prepared to be emancipated? By that I mean, when will you be prepared to live on your own and support yourself? You are almost seventeen, when you turn eighteen you are own legal adult and may move out whenever you choose. Do you really think you will be able to support yourself with in the next year? Do you intend to drop out of school in order to do so? Because the courts wont like that and wont emancipate you if you canâ??t prove abuse or danger AND plan on dropping out of school to support yourself.
Frankly, no. I don't think you'll be able to emancipated and I doubt seriously that it would be the best course of action for you. Even though you don't 'feel' sixteen, you are sixteen, and that involves a certain legal arrangement (ie, living your with your parents).
Have you considered therapy? You sound, honestly, quite depressed, and if you truly want to approach the conversation with your parents about moving out, you could seriously use some professionally guidance with that. Being ready to accept the consequences of your choices ALSO means making those choices with the most support and information available to you.
Rather than telling your parents you want to move out, may I suggest you say this: "I am unhappy and stressed out in this house. I feel like we don't connect and makes me miserable and ineffective. I want to learn how to deal with this and I feel like I need support that I can't ask you guys for. I'd like to talk to a family counselor. I hope that you'll be supportive about this and help me, because I really need to the help. I can't go on living this way."
Try it out. Please. Emancipation, and even moving out, might be extreme and unnecessary solutions. You owe it yourself, and to your parents, to take the correct steps in dealing with a problem. If you are at a loss in communicating with them, the next course is not getting the courts involved; it's getting a trained mediator and counselor involved.
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The Question
How do you know when your meant to be with someone, when you've never have really been with that person romantically ?
I feel like im meant to be with him but how would I know that?
The Answer
You don't know it, you 'feel' like you know it.
That is a very important distinction.
I often feel like I'm about to explode with anger. Sometimes I feel haterd towards someone. But those are just 'feelings' and they pass, I don't actually explode and I don't really hate that jerk on the bus, he just annoys me.
'Feeling' like you are in love is easy, 'feeling' like it's meant to be is the simpliest thing in the world! Actually being in love, acting on that love, and staying togeather are huge challanges.
So, to answer your question: You know are meant to be with someone when you can overcome those challenges and you can't know that if you aint even with them yet.
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