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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
16/f I'm so pissed at my mom right now. She says I have to get a job this summer-which I'm fine with. All the places I wanna work are not really within walking distance. She's like, "you have to get a job you can walk to or else you are paying me for gas." This is so unreasonable because she drives my brother to camp every day. I don't want to have to wake up at the crack of dawn just to walk to work. I just feel like she doesn't give a crap about my safety. All my friends' parents actualy care about them and drive them and don't let them get into dangerous situations and probably wouldn't let them walk every day to a job. My mom makes me walk places by myself that are dangerous where I could be kidnapped or raped. She treats me like I'm nothing. She's like, "you can take the public bus." Whose parents would let them do that?! I feel like she doesn't care about me. Everyone's parents drive them everywhere and she makes me walk everywhere in dangerous places. I'm so freakin pissed. I'm not grown up yet, I'm still a kid. Also, I really don't care what she had to do as a kid. Times are different now. There are more killers and rapists now and our family now has more money and privledges than when she was a kid. I'm so pissed!
The Answer
You are being a unreasonable as well.
Unless you live in a bad neighborhood in a big city, your fear of being kidnapped and raped, is not only unreasonable, but what you should be doing to deal with your fear is taking a young womens a self-defense course, not blaming your mother.
You might still be a kid, but if you are ready to worry about grown-up things that much and old enough to need to get to and from work, then you are ready take some resonsibilty for your own safety. That means learning self-defense. Every girl should do it at some point. Sounds like your point is now.
Taking responsibity also might mean, in your mothers eyes, paying for gasoline if you need regular rides to work. It might not be the same treatment your brother gets, but that doesn't make it unfair or unreasonable, only different.
Seriously, if you are working reguarly, the money from the first hour of your shift going to your mother to pay for gas is entirely reasonable. The first two days of my monethly paycheck is what is costs me to get transportation to my job each month. My friends with cars can spend over thier first eight days of work to pay for thier car that month.
Getting to work, is part of working, and it almost always costs some money. If you are ready for the responsibilty of a job, you need to understand that part of that responsibilty is getting to that job.
If you are truly afriad for your safety, take a self-defense class and learn the statistics. There are not more rapists out there then there were 30 years old. Most statistics will tell you there are actually less of them, they just get reported more often and talked about in the media.
If you need a ride to work, be aware that transportation costs money. If your mother chooses to drive you to and from work without asking for anything in return, that is a kind favor she is doing for you, not something she is required to do. Its your job to get there, not hers.
Both of those things, are completely reasonable.
Your mother wants you to take some responsibilty for yourself. Maybe that expectation is a bit early on for you. Maybe you don't like it. Maybe it isn't fair, but it's still her expectation, and I know you could met it if you tried.
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The Question
bored.
suggestion?
The Answer
Give advice.
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The Question
Dear Razzle, Frazzle.
We live in a world of constant racisim. I want to voice an opinion to you, and i would like a honest response. Black history month, its great....but in class one day, i asked a question. I said "why do they only have a month for one race?" The response i got was ...horrible. Someone said shouted out "because every other month is white month." How is every other month white month. Every other month is all race month, because we are not the only race living. I don't think its fair to give blacks their own month, because whites did a lot of great things for this country too. Plus what about all the other races?! Why are blacks treated special. Also, im so sick of blacks telling me that i enslaved them. I wasen't even born yet, i had nothing to do with that shit. They think its ok to call me a CRACKER but if i say ni**** im racist....but then how are they aloud to call me a cracker?! I am not racist, i believe in equality. Which is why i don't believe in black history month. I would not call someone a ni****, but i expect not to be called a cracker. Whats your opinion ?
The Answer
Racism isn't exclusively white. It never has been. Never will be.
It's great that you don't call Africans by racist names. You should try not to do it to any other races either.
It would be nice if all people of other races would always respect you. It would also be nice if people in stores were never rude and if no one drove drunk or lied to the police or cheated on their partners...
It is also never going to happen. That isn’t the world we live in.
The world is not 'fair'. We try to make it fair, which is admirable, and it was the attempt to be 'fair' and to give to a group according to their needs, which created black history month. There is doubt that almost all races have suffered at some point or another, but there is also no doubt that the struggles faced by African Americans are a bit unique and certainly wide spread. Many of them will never have the means to see their homeland, ever. Slavery, even a short term of it, can effectively sever all future generations from their culture.
And it really isn’t as though they are the only ones with such a thing. Many cultures and races have self-determined festivals to celebrate their heritage. They might not be formally declared by the state, but they are no less real. Hell, there is even a Secretaries Day, certainly people can go about calling February Black History Month if they want too.
Do I like Black History Month? No, not in the least. To often it becomes a vehicle for self-righteous hate-mongering. All February I have to deal with a very aggressive man on the corner of my city asking “Can I ask you a question?” in a tone he must know isn’t conductive to friendly conversation (I’ve heard his question as well, it’s not friendly either) and others trying to sell me a Black History Month reading list for $2 that I could pick up at any public library for free as they imply silently that I am a bigot if I not interested in giving them my loose change.
However, just because it is possible to use the month in that cheap and hateful way doesn’t mean it shouldn’t exist. It is also possible, and I think most people would want it to be used in a way that educates and connects people with their heritage.
So go on living your life not using racist terms and expecting others not to apply them to you. Correct them if they do.
If you don’t like black history month, ignore it. God knows I ignore Secretaries Day.
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The Question
Steven is like by best friend and yes he is a guy. No I am not dating him but he's so much more trustworthy then some of the girl-friends I have. Well he is dating a girl named Melissa and she's CRAZY! She gives me deat stare whenever I talk to Steven, and aoids talking to me. Not that Im rushing to be her friend. And then today I accidentailly bumped into her apoligised and she was like "What is your problem?! I know you love my boyfriend but he's mine!" I was like woah now simmer down...
She's really starting to scare me but Steven really likes her and I dont wanna do anything to hurt him but jeez Melissas gunna like shoot me or something!
The Answer
Are you interested in Steven?
Cause if you are, maybe she has geuninely noticed and you should tone down your chummy behavoir with him.
If not, talk to Steven. You are his best friend after all, he probably doesn't want his girlfriend to hate you. It's his job to explain to her and make sure thier relationship is stable. It's also his job to change the way he interacts with you if he decides too.
If she gets catty with you agian, gently tell her that if she has a problem with your friendship with Steven she should talk with him about it, because you haven't done anything wrong and have nothing by friendship for him.
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The Question
My first time was with my current bf. The first thing he did was eat me out. He said I tasted like a "fine liquor" I was incredibly shy and embarrassed and even freak out if he stared at me down there but I really trust him and love him.
He would make sure I'd orgasm everyday with him and we did it so often and were crazy about each other. One time while walking downtown we just couldn't keep our hands off each other that we ran to the top of some stairs in some building beside the door to the roof so no one would see and foreplayed for a while there.. (we were really scared to get caught).
After months taking the pill, we decided to let him cum inside me. It made both of us happy, he didn't have to stop cold turkey to take it out and jack off and I could see his face when he cums.
This is when he'd stop eating me out. I mean even if I take a long shower or thoroughly clean myself, his cum is still stuck way up there.
It's been over a year with him now and he doesn't bother to make me cum anymore.. he only worries about himself cumming.. and even though I give him lots of oral, hoping he'd atleast do the same... I get nothing. I ask him to eat me out or to stop cumming in me all the time but he doesn't care..
After over a month of not cumming with him anymore, I got tired and was unsatisfied again. While he napped, I'd go on his computer, and orgasm from porn. This happened twice without him knowing and with the 3rd, he caught me, and looked upset or hurt.
Now this really confused me, I told him I didn't think he cared whether I came or not anymore and why should this bother him? It turned into a heated arguement and after me mentioning that I wanted to be eaten out again (which he hasn't for several months.. half a year, or over), he shouted at me "You f**ing reek down there, you should f***ing wash yourself down there! I always get soft from that sh*t!!". Ouch. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't like that before he came in me all the time... that even though I shower a lot and often wash myself down there.. perhaps the extra juices I build up down there from the pills (so sperm can swim slow down and thus not be able to reach my egg) and his cum is making it harder to clean it all out...
Nevertheless, he brought in the problems of our relationship (See my Love Life question) and continues to say I'm bitching so I could not get another word in...
Even after another shower right now, just thinking of what he said made me feel really ugly.. and really unsexy.. I used to feel confident about my body and feel sexy and happy but.. I don't know.. I feel like losing my sex drive over him. I just think about him trying to get in my pants again and then I feel like crying from what he said and I feel like he won't get any from me anymore and this will leave us both unsatisfied. I love him but he's such a jerk and... is there any advice on how to feel sexy again, become less dependent on him AND find a really good dildo?
The Answer
You should include a link if you are referencing another question, otherwise we have to guess and go looking for it...
How to feel sexy again?
Dump Him.
How to become less dependant?
Dump Him.
How to find a really good dildo?
Ask your girlfriends for recommendations (they will probably also add 'Dump Him.')
You have a lot of self-improvements to make. I don't mean that as an insult at all, almost everyone I know had to take stock of their life and control of their own destiny in their early twenties. It's just that time in life when you have to pull your socks up.
That isn't going to happen as long as you are with him. It can't happen as long as all of the energy that you should be spending to self-discovery and improvement, is spent babying him and desperately trying to keep a miserable person less miserable.
Holding you back is an understatement. This relationship is the cement block tied around your neck.
In your other question, you ask how to stop the cycle. The trick to stopping it is to stop it completely, all at once. Dump him clearly, quickly and without any room for confusion. Then tell him, for your own sake you will not be speaking to him, responding to e-mails or phone calls, for 3 months.
You can't fall back into his arms if you banish his arms. He can't tell you sweat lies if you don't let him speak to you. That is what it is going to take to end this.
3 months is the minimum you need to cry it out, eat the ice-cream, reconnect with your friends and yourself and to be strong enough to speak to him again. If at the end of the three months you decide you never want to speak to him again, more power to you.
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The Question
i asked my bf for sex and he said no and so now im pissed off and im not talking to him.
is that a whoreish thing to do??
The Answer
It's not whorish. It just isn't very nice.
Remember: Guys have just as much right to say no to sex as girls do! They might not say no as often, but they still have every right to do so.
Either talk to him about this, respectfully, or dump him and go find a guy who is happy to give you what you want.
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The Question
f/19.
i've been with him for 4 years, and counting.
my boyfriend went to get an x-ray at the hospital and ran into an old hight school friend, her name is marlo. she wasn't gorgeous, but also wasn't completely unfortunately looking. anyhow, he felt the need to text his friend saying, hey i saw marlo at the hospital, 'she was looking too fine' . i read his texts, which he doesn't mind, he reads mine all the time, but back to the point.. it really hurt me. it made me feel worthless, i honestly can say that i don't go checking out guys, i really don't. and this hurt my feelings. and made me feel so ugly on the outside. how do i get over this feeling, i feel so turned off now, i don't even want to have sex with him anymore. oh and this isn't the first time i found a text similar to this in his cell.
The Answer
You need to decide, inside yourself, if this is actually a real problem in your relationship or if it is your problem of insecurity and fear.
It sounds to me, like you don't think that he isn’t betraying you at all. It was just him nattering to a friend about the fact that a particular female was looking okay.
It's fine if you don't look at other guys. You are free not too, but he is also free to look at people too. He has eyes. If he didn’t have eyes, he might have texted something like ‘Man, she has a lovely voice.” Most human beings, men and women, do look at the opposite sex and enjoy them on an aesthetic level. If you want a partner who doesn't do that, you'll need to look very hard to find that person. They are few and far between.
The best advice I can give you is this: Stop reading his texts. Also, stop reading his e-mails, myspace or anything else that is normally private communication.
Reading someone’s text isn’t funny, or cute, or trust-building, as you’ve now discovered. It actually can harm trust, because all people need to be free to communicate with their other friends without their partner's watching in. The simple truth is a cheater will cheat on you sooner or later. Reading their texts will not change that fact, or even help you feel better about it. It will only make you worry more often.
Trusting your partner, means giving them space to express themselves privately to others, and believing, that even if you don’t love everything they express, that they are true to you and respectful. If you can’t do that, with or without reading his texts, then your bad feelings about this aren't going to go away.
Ignore the text for a moment, and think seriously about how he treats you and if you believe him to be true to you. You need to trust your gut and your faith in him and not let a random text override your own beliefs and common sense.
If, ignoring the text completely, you still can’t trust him and worry about him being faithful, then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with him.
However, if you think that you’d trust him and believe in him if it weren’t for a relatively harmless text message, then focus on that. You can’t change the way you feel right now, but you can remind yourself that it was a meaningless and simple flub between him and his friend, NOT any sort of reflection on you. Slowly the bad feelings you will have about this will fade away, if you label them properly as not reasonable things to be feeling.
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The Question
Ok, my parents are strict Catholics, My older brother(17) is 100% satanic, I'm a Buddhist and my sister finds any form of Religion disgusting.
Our house is all classical, with expensive furniture and so on, cause of my parents.
My room is minimalistic with a small shrine to Buddha. My brother's room is all black, and he does quite extreme Satanic stuff. Sorry, I don't know anything about it. But I have seen blood on the floor and so on.
My sister thinks anyone that people worship is s*it and so on. She's 14. She's constantly complaining about out religions and so on.
My parents hate my brother...they haven't talked for 4 years, since he discovered Satanism. My parents don't like to talk to me either.
And basically they ignore my sister. I get along with her ok, but that's when nothing to do with Religion is involved.
What could I do to make my home life better (15/F btw)
The Answer
Be respectful, be tolerant and open a dialogue.
Seriously. Your problem here isn't different beliefs per se, it's lack of respect for one another's beliefs.
You can't control your parents of course, but you can control your relationship with them, your respect for thier beliefs and MORE IMPORTANTLY THEN ANY OF THAT your relationship with your siblings and respect for THIER beliefs.
If you don't even know what your brother believes why would you let that stand in the way of sibling affection? Talk to him about what he thinks, what he calls himself (VERY, very few people actually consider themselves Satanists). Talk to your sister about her beliefs and opinions. Respect them, even if you disgree and don't try to convert them. Just ask intelligent questions.
This will let them know that you love and respect them, even though your don't feel the same way.
This approach might not work as well with your parents, but you shouldn't be letting your parents bad habits of religious intolerance and annoyed silience interfer with your ability to relate to your siblings.
So get up, walk to your nearest sibling and ASK THEM (don't 'tell them' anything) just ask them about thier own beliefs. Model the kind of respect, tolerance and loving interest in one another that your parents should have been doing and improve your own relationships. You'll be surprised the impact it might have on all the members of your family if you break the silent disaproval and cut through the misunderstandings and just let people have thier own say and opinion.
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The Question
I was involved with someone for over 17 years up and down in and out.. He recently purchased a cell phone. He doesn't leave it out. He keeps it on him at all times, even while sleeping. The cell phone stays on vibrate. I have advised how I feel about it. Which is, I don't like it. He is attempting to re-establish trust and the cell is consistently on vibrate. Would you question the reason of why or would you just respect his privacy? Yes,there has been trust issues due to misuse of previous cell phones. The cell phone wasn't purchased until we had an arguement. It wasn't discussed nor was it financially planned.
In the past I have gone through his phone because I wanted to confirm my feelings of mistrust which was how I found out that in the past he has misued his cell phone. Thoughts??? opinions??
The Answer
The cell phone is not your problem here.
If a guy can't get a cellphone and leave it on vibrate without you feeling motivated to submit it to the advicenator court as formal evidence then you both, him and you, are in a miserable marriage that requires a professional counselor, not an online-advisor and not premission to go through his things.
It's not about respecting his privacy, so much as it's about being the kind of person, in the kind of relationship, that you would wish to be.
See a counselor or therapist ASAP. Either that or leave him now. You obviously have no trust or faith and little patience left for him. If you want to improve your realtionship, get help. If you want out, get out now. There is nothing about your question that could allow any rational person to feel optimistic about the situtation.
EDIT: I do apologize for using the word marriage. It was an unfortunate slip and I am sorry for it. You will see I hope, that I only used it once, and referred to your relationship in all other instances.
I was not, in the least, ignoring the reasons for the issues of trust. You did not give details on those issues except to say they existed. As I did not want to presume as to the nature of them, I simply made the only rational suggestion I could for you, with no address to what I could geuss his behavoir might have been: You need counseling. Either the both of you togeather, or by yourself. You need a third party with whom to discuss these issues. You don't need to snoop. You need outside professional help.
Things will get worse if you don't look outside your emotionally charged relationship for some assistance.
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The Question
okay ive been with this guy for three years and we have been through our ups and downs..hes cheated on me three times and i have not cheated on him back nor have i cheated on him at all he says hes cheated on me because i make him feel like i dont care..he says its because of numerous of things like.when i dont answer his phone calls. after he disrespects me and i feel attacked i end up hanging up on him He calls me out of my name and says really mean things about me..so i end up hanging up on him. and he says thats one of the reasons why he does what he does is because i dont answer his calls he says that im just another girl in his phone and says that i just tell you i love you to make it sound good..he tells me all of this when we argue. but when we argue i dont say things liek that..i dont tell him that i got other dudes on the side or im just sayign i love you just to say it. I always forgive him and let things go..hes very insecure and points the finger at me. he gets mad for the most dumbiest reasons. we just had an arguement about how i dont tell him things..like he tells me when he gets new clothes and shoes...and he says that when i buy new clothes and shoes i dont tell him..like today he seen my new shoes and said why when i ask you have you bought any new shoes you jsut tell me you bought a pair but you have more than one. He says why dont you ever just tell me the truth i was like are you serious okay babe im sorry i will tell uyou next time he got so mad and was cutting me off when i was tryig to comprimise with him..and he jsut said whatever you just wanna say sorry and just drop it and end the problem your way. I honestly dont know why hes like this why he acts so angry and trippy off the most littlest things...im so lost ive been completely disrespected by him and been cheated by him. and i have forgave him for so much i let things go that usually no one would let go. He still doesint appreciate me doing that. He doesint see that my girl just forgave me for the most hurtfull things that ive done to her..Instead he keeps doing what he does and calls me out of my name and says that im worthless and just another B#### in his phone and that he can mess with me when he wants. I love this guy and your probebly thinking why? But i do and he also doesint see that he has told me you dont love me and i tell him are you serious i have forgave you for cheating on me disrespecting me that should show you that i love you a lot that im letting my guard down for you..I dont know what to do im so confused and lost, hurt, Every time he disrespects me and does thing to me he calls me back and says baby im sorry and that he needs me in his life and that im the reason why he acts crazy and disrespectful. I really dont see that I dont feel that im the reason of his wrong doings i feel that thats jsut what he wants to do..But i end up feeling sorry for him and take him back because i love him a lot. what should i do?
The Answer
This guy is scum. Period. End of story.
He blames you for his cheating. That is wrong in every possible way. It also means he'll keep doing it, and keep saying it's your fault.
He bullies you about things that don't matter to keep you nervous and scared of him. He makes sure you feel sorry all the time, regardless of the fact that he is one who was wrong.
He tries to make you 'prove' your love and refuses to give him the slightest evidence of his.
He has made this entire relationship YOUR job. So when it goes wrong, it's YOUR fault.
You can't possibly, ever, be happy with him.
What should you do?
You should dump him obiviously.
You should develope a spine and dump his sorry ass and not take him back.
If you can't dump a guy who has treated you as horrible as this one has, and who goes on treating you this horribly, then frankly, you deserve the misery you are getting.
At some point you have to decide you have had enough and be strong enough to love yourself and take care of yourself. Only when that happens will you be able to move on. Until then, you are stuck in the same shitty cycle.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 9 months. He's 19--I'm 18.
He always used to get upset when I didn't feel like having sex/messing around. I've always known that he's not in this just for the sex. I knew this for a fact--when we first started dating he thought I was a "good" girl...a very good girl.
Well it all came out eventually--he flat out asked me if I found him attractive. Apparently in his mind, if I say no, it means that I'm not physically attracted to him.
Truth is--I'm extremely attracted to him and I let him know that I think he looks good constantly but idk what to do about the sex thing because sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Even if I try explaining it to him, he still thinks the same--I've tried. Is there anything I can do...DO NOT SAY. Other than just always having sex with him?
The Answer
Probably not.
Compliment him on the positive, non-sexual aspects of his appereance. Admire his clothing, his hair, the way he carries himself. Show him lots of non-sexual affection and admiration.
But the truth is, if he has decided to be that insecure about it, there is likely nothing you can do or say to change his mind. He just needs the time to mature and grow up and realize that sex is not the only expression we have of attraction to one another.
Sadly, this is kind of his problem to fix, not yours. There is little that you can do about it. You can't *make* him confident and reasonable about this.
Tell him that you are sorry he feels that way, but you've explained to him that it isn't the case and he needs to address the issue because you can't do it for him. Ask him if there is anything you can do short of faking your interest in sex to help him feel more secure, but make it clear that it's something he needs to work on for his own sake.
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The Question
17/f
I'm not a stupid girl, but I did something incredibly dumb. I was in kind of a depression fopr a while and I compeltely lost myself, this guy contcted me through a website and we started talking. He made me feel better and i loved talking to him but soon it became something incredibly creepy. he is in his 40's, which I did not know at first, and he says horrible graphic things to me. when i dont respond he calls me a bitch, slut, tease etc. then he aplogizes later and tells me he loves me? I started to get really really scared so I blocked him everywhere i could. He messages me through myspace and I don't respond, i put my profile on private.
it's been 2 weeks and he still tries to contact me. I got TONS of friend requests on myspace of people I dont know and they are all myspaces made that dya, w/ no friend,s so I think it is him... He messaged me and told me he missed me. Looking bck at our conversations he got alot of information out of me because I stupidly thought it wouldnt be a big deal! I'm really scared, I think he could find out where I live, he won't leave me alone, what should I do?
he says things to me like "you're my barbie doll, my sex slave" I start crying when he sends me things like that.
I don't want to go to the police because my parents aren't normal, they are psychotic and they would look at me going to the police as embarressing them. They would for sure kick me out or something horrible if they found out.
I told ym boyfriend, I don't think that's enough. Is there something I can say to him that would make him stop? How do you handle crazy people, should I ignore im or tell him off or be nice about it?
The Answer
One more message to send to him. You can use this word for word if you would like too:
"I don't want to speak to you anymore. I don't want you to contact me anymore. You have made me very uncomfortable and frightened and it must stop now. If you cannot respect my wishes I will need to get the authorities involved."
Then go back to what you were doing. Ignore all messages, e-mails, everything. Never, ever respond agian.
You are right that telling your boyfriend isn't enough. He has no more life experience then you, he doesn't know what to do anymore then you do. At somepoint you might need to tell your parents, better they be a bit ashamed of you then attend your funeral right? For now though, try telling an older female. A teacher, an aunt. Frankly, anyone female over the age of 25 is bound to have a bit more experience with guys behaving badly and will be able to listen to you and help you figure out how serious the situation is and what response it warrents.
The best thing for anyone to do when you are being threatened is to tell EVERYONE you know, friends roommates, family, co-workers. Let them know and they will help defend and protect you. At this point, tell as many people as you can trust too.
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The Question
To start from the begining. The day after my son was born is father yelled at me, because i didnt put his name on the birth certificate because he keep telling me i wana a DNA test. So i signed it and turned it in. My son also has my last name.( to be on my medical insurance) His father hasnt even supported him he lived with me after the baby was born and wouldnt wake up in the middle night he slept and laid around all day so i kicked him out. he cant keep a job and he dropped out of the 9th grade. hes alway is getting kicked out of his house every other day, some drug dealers are after him they said they were going to kill him when he turns 18.. when i did let him see his son for a weekend when he brought the baby home he was dirty, sticky, BLACK feet. his excuse was he was playing on the wood floor. ( hello mop??) i asked him for diapers one time he bought a box gave me half (threw the other half away).. am i doing the wrong thing telling him he cant see his son? i told him until he can start helping to support him which that will be never.
The Answer
Yes, you are doing the wrong thing.
Both in the legal sense and for the sake of your child. You still need to let him see the child, regardless of the fact he is not paying child support or carrying his weight financially.
The father has a right to see the child, and the child has a right to see the father regardless of the money.
BY ALL MEANS, do not let him be alone with your baby and force him to have his visits on a schedule that works well for you. However, unless he is beating you and your baby up, he has a right to see his child. The family court will not look kindly on you for denying him that no matter how little money he has given you. There has to be a better reason.
If you have your babes safety in mind in denying him visitation, be prepared to go to court and prove that he is a danger to the child. Nothing less will get them to deny visitation. If he is a drop out and has a record with the police, perhaps that is the best thing for you to do.
Although denying visitation seems like an effective way to go about dealing with this, it's not fair or legal to do it that way. In the family courts money is NOT a justified reason to deny visitation. Find another way to put pressure on him. Go to the court to have his wages garnished OR prove he is a danger to you and your child so you will be justified and allowed to deny him access.
If things are serious enough that you need him to stay away from you and the child, then do so, but get the courts involved so that it is legal and you have their support in that. If you just deny him because you feel like it, you'll be the one who could get in trouble.
NOTE: Just to clarify from what was said below: Just because you did not put his name on the birth certificate does not mean he doesn't have parental rights. Almost all states grant a degree of rights to the 'presumed father', so just because he isn't named on the birth certificate doesn't automatically extinguish his rights. If things are so bad that you need them taken away completely, you need to get the courts involved.
Besides that, it isn’t the father’s rights that come into play first when you are taking about visitation.
It is your CHILD’S right, not the father, that insists on visitation rights unless the father would put the child in danger. The courts have said, time and time again, that the child has a right to know their biological father. It is widely accepted to be in the child’s best interest, and if you feel it isn’t, it’s your job to prove that it isn’t.
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The Question
What does it mean when someone says "you're creating an other"?
During debates, my teaher almost always finds a way to say "you guys are creating an other", or sometimes when she says something, a few students will say something along the lines of "uh oh, you're creating an other."
An example of when she said it to me...
We have to do movie talks and book talks in class sometimes. She was letting us pick our movies and I mentioned doing The Ringer [about a guy who pretends to have a mental handicap in order to be in the special olympics to win money in a bet...]
Anyway, she said I would probably end up "creating an other".
It drives me crazy not knowing its exact meaning. Yes, I've googled the phrase. Yes, I've used Urban Dictionary. No, I have not found anything. Yes, I've asked her [my teacher], and she said she has already explained it before.
Now I'm relying on YOU, the people of Advicenators, to help me keep my sanity and learn what exactly 'creating an other' means.
The Answer
Approach your teacher in a different way. When a teacher withholds an answer it's not usually a refusal to explain or a desire to be spiteful, it's likely just her saying "I've used my brain enough, now go use your own brain!"
So got back to her and say "I don't think I understand this phrase THIS IS WHAT I THINK IT MEANS. Am I right? Where am I getting confused?"
Instead of asking a teacher to spoon-feed you an answer, present your own answer or solution, and ask for their guidance and clarification.
Learning, as a young adult, isn't just about repetition, it's about dialogue and truly understanding a concept.
To truly learn, to dialogue about something, and to understand a concept, you need to pull it apart and examine it and be able to explain it in your own words. Memorizing the ‘exact meaning’ as you called it, in simply insufficient at this stage in your education.
Don’t worry so much about knowing it’s ‘exact meaning’. Many phrases have more then one meaning or use.
And just because a phrase cannot be 'googled' doesn't mean it doesn't exist or is ‘made up’. There are lots of brilliant ideas/concepts/performances/phrases ect. that have not made their way online yet. Certainly not ever teaching tool or answer will be online.
So go back over your notes and consider what the phrase “Create an other” could mean in the context of your class work. I’m not even in your class, but I could make an educated guess based on my knowledge of debate and the meaning of those words.
My educated guess would be that ‘creating an other’ would be creating an issue, or argument or discussion point that is different or ‘an other’ then the discussion you originally stated you were going to have. To use your example: Perhaps your assignment was to talk about the artistic merit of a movie, but in choosing a book with such large social issue (ie, lying and mental handicaps) there was a high risk that you would appeal instead to people’s emotions on the subject or address the moral issues, rather then what the teacher had asked you speak on.
Go back through your notes. Seriously. Come up with a possible, or three possible meanings for this phrase. Submit them to your teacher and ask for her help and clarification.
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The Question
17/f and he's 17/m. i broke up with my first bf cause i really felt nothing for the 4 months we've dated. it was mostly lust. i felt no love. it was more of a status thing. i did like him though. thus, i didnt feel bad when i broke it off.
well, first, he acted all cool like..whatever, man. i could get 10 chicks better than you in a day. so i'm like..ehh who cares..?
and so now...he's beginning to act like a begging dog. he stares at me with these puppy eyes..and gives me looks and weird gestures..and when he hugs me..he hugs me unusually tight and touches me like when we were in a relationship...its not a friendly hug. which is exactly what we are right now. friends. yet he doesnt understand this...
well, today..he told me that im perfect..and asked me to reconsider my decision..i didnt say anything. and then he told me to tell him whether or not i love him anymore.
honestly, i don't know what to do about him. i like him...but i wouldn't wanna go back. how do i let him down easily? cause i'm not too sure he's being serious either.
thank you!
The Answer
Don't try to 'let someone down easy'. It NEVER works. It only makes them confused, hopeful and annoying as all hell.
When you need to let someone down, do it directly and clearly.
Tell him this: "You are my friend. I still care for you, but I do not want to be with you agian. I never will. I would apperciate it if this is the last time we talk about any thing more then friendship between us."
He sounds pretty damn serious, so you owe him a serious reply. He might try to pretend he was joking afterwards... but he'd just be trying to save face and all you have to do is shrug and say "Sorry, I thought you really meant it."
Don't try to make it easier. It isn't easy. Just be clear.
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The Question
So one of my friends cuts. hes been cutting for a while, and hes been on and off with cousellors and stuff. Hes always talking to me about his cutting but never about how hes handling it or how he wants to stop. So tonight I kinda flipped out, im trying to help him by giving him suggestions on what he can do to try and figure out his problem. You see hes so stubborn that hes always trying to find something wrong. He started calling me little miss perfect, saying stuff how im always trying to fix peoples problems. So I got ticked. I told him if you dont want help dont ask for it, because everyone seems to ask for help and when I give them it they turn and treat me like crap.
So now apparently hes going to the hospital. Im assuming because he cut himself bad after our coversation. The convo didnt end well, infact it didnt really end at all, i just signed out. Should I feel bad? Does it seem like I made a poor choice in how I responded to him? I know that hes sensitive but why should I always "baby" him or cover up whats really going on when he needs to hear the truth. I've tried the nice way, the funny way, the boring ways, and tonight i've tried the mean way. Regardless, im always listening to him whine and complain about how he wants to stop but he never takes it uppon himself to really find ways to stop. Im just so frustrated with it.
Feel Guilty or not guilty?
I think not guilty but I just need to see it from someone elses side.
The Answer
He doesn't want to fix his problem.
He wants to whine at you, have you sympathize and fuss over him, insult you and reject your every suggestion and then go back to doing whatever the hell he wants too.
You don’t need to feel guilty because he made a choice, and it was a bad one.
But here is the rub: When helping someone starts to turn YOU into someone you don’t want to be, it’s time to stop. When caring about someone makes you starting to be cruel or mean to them, it’s time to stop caring so much.
If you DO feel guilty by all means apologize to him for whatever you think you did wrong. But don’t beat yourself up. Perhaps it’s time to take this as a lesson that he really, really, doesn’t want your help and it’s time to sit back and let him do whatever the hell he wants too.
If you can’t do that and still be his friend, then stop being his friend. It’s not your job to stand by a friend to the point that it makes you a person you don’t want to be. It’s your job to decide how much you can bare. If you can no longer bare the burden of trying to convince him not to do destructive things, bow out gracefully, tell him that you care about him and go no longer watch him do these things, and let him look to someone else for this particular brand of ‘helping’.
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The Question
do you really think that a drunk mind speaks a sober heart ?
The Answer
Nope.
In my teens I would have said it does, but a few more years of life experience has taught me that although a drunk person might say things they would not say sober the particular truth they speak isn't necessarily what they will feel and think when they are sober, or the way they will choose to act, or even the about the choices they are willing to make!
A drunk person might hit or abuse someone they truly love. A drunk person might confess love, but choose to stay with their partner who they love more. A drunk person can lie to get what they want, just like a sober one. A drunk person might get into a car and kill a stranger... these are not the acts of a sober heart or the acts of someone who is being totally honest, those are the actions of a bloody drunk-ass moron.
Just like when a person is sober, you must carefully listen and think to determine if they are really telling you the truth, or only rambling or talking about their temporary feelings. Alcohol is not truth serum. It’s a stupid serum.
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The Question
Hi. I will be making a tutu using this method:
http://current.com/items/86384461_how_to_make_a_no_sew_tutu
http://www.cutoutandkeep.net/projects/how_to_make_a_tutu
However the only thing is tulle is very expensive here. This is what the cheapest shop with the cheapest materials had to say...
"With regards to your specific enquiry we sell Bridal Tulle in a 180cm wide for $6.99 per metre and 270 wide at $7.99 per metre. It is available in white or ivory. Our stores also sell a wide range of colours in Nylon Net which is much stiffer but depending on what you want it for that might be suitable. It retails for $3.50 per metre – it is 127cm wide."
So of course I'd rather use Nylon instead of Tulle. My only question is, because it's stiffer do you think it would still work? The point of using tulle is because it's softer it falls into place. I'm not sure whether Nylon would.
The Answer
The store you called is just an expensive store in general. Anyone who feels the need to say 'Bridal Tulle' simply likes to make money, not talk about fabrics accurately.
Yes, you can use nylon netting. If you were making a real tutu (to dance ballet in) you couldn't because netting can irratate the skin and doesn't deal well with sweat, but for that simple project you can certainly use netting.
However, try to select the netting with the smallest weave (holes), that will give you a much better look.
Remember: Nylon netting can be dyed very easily. So if you find one with nice small holes but not the colour you want, just dye it.
Then you just need to expiriment with how wide you want your strips to be. You might want to make them a bit thiner then they recommend on those links because what you are using will be stiffer.
But before going through all that, call a different store, maybe visit them, and shop arround until you find something that works.
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The Question
My sister is trying to get pregnant and she came to me to have a personal talk the other day. She is overweight (290 lbs) or something like that...and she wanted to know if she could still get pregnant at her weight or if it is harder then the average person to become pregnant.
-BahaiMa22
The Answer
Well, yes she can still get pregnant, although some studies have shown it might be harder for an obese women to conceive. Obesity can also stop a woman’s menstrual cycle, and if that has happened, she can’t conceive. She should see her doctor if she is concerned about her fertility.
At 290 lbs she almost certainly is obese and that definitely puts both the mother and child at serious risk for complications even when/if she does get pregnant.
Read here for more details: http://www.pregnancy-info.net/obesity_pregnancy.html
You sister should be STRONGLY encouraged to loose weight before becoming pregnant. It will make everything easier and everyone healthier.
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The Question
well where do i begin, back in 1995 my wife thought that i was cheating on her because i would have cybersex when the internet first cranked up. so she got real close to a co-worker of mine and they started playing a game on me and after about 2 years i was watching my friend/co-worker literaly dating right in front of my eyes. i was the third wheel. ok he was married also, but i felt the tension so strong between them that one night we all got drunk and had a male,male,female threesome. But the deal was before we did this was that one day i get my turn back with a female,female, and me threesome. Ok i held up to my part of the bargin but she doesn't want to hold up to hers. i have suggested ideas and people to return the favor but she tells me that it's not going to happen she made a mistake. why is she doing this and why won't she let me do what she did? i don't want to be 90 when she dicides to let me have my turn at the fun i let her have. i don't think my relationship is fair at this point and she says, sorry life isn't fair. what can i do.
The Answer
She is allowed to change her mind about threesomes.
You are allowed to be dissapointed about that and feel unfairly treated.
At this point you have three possible paths:
One: Get some marital counseling to deal with the issues of distrust and infidelity in your marriage.
Two: Cheat on her. Maybe hire two nice sex trade workers to fufil your fantasy for you.
Three: Divorce her.
You can do any of those things, in any order you would like.
You CAN'T blame her for going after what she wanted and for now standing up for what she believes and what she wants.
She is taking care of herself and being responsible for her own happiness.
You have to take care of YOURSELF and go after what you want. She isn't responsible for deciding to let you have fun, she isn't responsible for your behavoir and she isn't responsble for your happiness. You are.
If you really want a threesome that badly, then you either need to betray her, or divorce her.
If you want to make your marriage work, you need to forgive her, and she needs to forgive you and you two need some serious counseling to help make that a reality.
Stop blaming her. Take control of your own life and make some damn choices. This situation is not all her fault. If you want things to change, start changing.
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