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Sex, attraction and Relationships
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 9 months. He's 19--I'm 18.
He always used to get upset when I didn't feel like having sex/messing around. I've always known that he's not in this just for the sex. I knew this for a fact--when we first started dating he thought I was a "good" girl...a very good girl.
Well it all came out eventually--he flat out asked me if I found him attractive. Apparently in his mind, if I say no, it means that I'm not physically attracted to him.
Truth is--I'm extremely attracted to him and I let him know that I think he looks good constantly but idk what to do about the sex thing because sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Even if I try explaining it to him, he still thinks the same--I've tried. Is there anything I can do...DO NOT SAY. Other than just always having sex with him?
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Hmm.
Compromise is best. Sex between consenting adults in a relationship isnt just a perk, its a duty. Its both of your responsibilities to keep him satisfied.
Towards that end, two suggestions that have helped me (I am a guy in a relationship with a girl who often has a lower sex drive)
He should masturbate more often. Maybe go find a little porn to keep on the computer. Outside of a desire for sex and intimacy, men build sexual tension. If a guy has alot of built up tension then he starts looking for any opportunity to have sex, so even when you're just affectionate he might see if it can lead to sex. When it doesnt, frustration.
You should work on getting yourself in the mood a bit as well. A good suggestion is finding yourself a toy or something of that sort. Every so often when you might not be in the mood but arent in a bad mood or feeling bad or anything, pull out the toy and follow his lead, work yourself up a little. Shortly thereafter you'll be nice and in the mood and he'll be close by, and you can go rape him.
As far as his confidence is concerned, more and better communication should solve that.
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Probably not.
Compliment him on the positive, non-sexual aspects of his appereance. Admire his clothing, his hair, the way he carries himself. Show him lots of non-sexual affection and admiration.
But the truth is, if he has decided to be that insecure about it, there is likely nothing you can do or say to change his mind. He just needs the time to mature and grow up and realize that sex is not the only expression we have of attraction to one another.
Sadly, this is kind of his problem to fix, not yours. There is little that you can do about it. You can't *make* him confident and reasonable about this.
Tell him that you are sorry he feels that way, but you've explained to him that it isn't the case and he needs to address the issue because you can't do it for him. Ask him if there is anything you can do short of faking your interest in sex to help him feel more secure, but make it clear that it's something he needs to work on for his own sake.
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If you've been in a relationship with him for that long, then he should understand. I'm a guy, and I know that sometimes when a girl goes to a certain point with me, I start to expect it all the time, and when she won't, I get the idea that it's because things aren't going well. Sit him down, tell him that it has nothing to do with whether you find him attractive or whether you still have feelings with him. After that, do things to demonstrate that you really want to be with him. If he sees you making a strong effort to do nice things for him and show your affection for him, he will lose his uncertainty about where the relationship stands. I don't know how often you ARE in the mood to have sex, but try and figure out if you think he wants too much sex (like 3 times a day), or if you are just starving him sexually (like once a month). Guys peak sexually around 19, so he's always going to want it. If he's getting it on a regular basis, he should respect you when you don't want to. If you're not having sex very often, ask yourself why and see if you are subliminally telling yourself that you're not ready for a sexual relationship.
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