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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
16/f. We broke up a month ago. Went out for 1 1/2 years. We were really close- we talked every night and did something every weekend. I really did love him. I wasn't expecting the break up either (he broke it off.)
I keep thinking about our relationship too... when he kissed me, or held me, I just loved him so much (I still do, even though he's being mean) and I'm having a hard time.
To make things worse he's started ignoring me. I was finally able to start the "I'm not going to IM him thing" and it's working... except he's not IMing me. I'm still in love with him but I want nothing more than for him still to be my very best friend (with the way things are going that will be over soon, and I'm upset.) I know I can't change his interest in me but it hurts so much.
Problem: I leave on vacation Saturday of next week. I'm thinking I need to see him before then (and he knows this) because it would make me feel better. But we haven't talked in 2 days. At this rate we'll never be doing something before vacation. So do I stay miserable and try to get over it, or do something fun and (hopefully) feel better?
I just love him so much and he's my best friend and I'm losing him. Should I ask him (again) to do something before Saturday?
PS. He's a hypocrite too, a year ago on advicenators he gave an answer saying that "a bf/gf being clingy is not a good reason to break up" whereas I think that's the reason he broke up with me. Let me add that he's changed since last year (and this whole "clingy" situation reinforced this thought). He used to send me random letters and flair on facebook... the past few months it seemed like he was losing interest. So a year ago he said "clingy" doesn't matter but now he does?
But what do I do? Do I IM him? Do I ask to see him? But I want to so bad!
Thanks,
a girl desperate to see her very best friend but he doesn't want to (?)
The Answer
Don't IM him. He is not your best friend, he is your ex.
Would you obsess over any other friend like this? No, of course not. That is because he isn't a friend. You love him and he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Those are the facts and you need to deal with that. Some time, long in future, when you have let your romantic attachment to him go, then you can maybe, be friends again. Right not, it’s impossible. There is too much emotional baggage.
Seeing his isn't going to change the facts and it's not going to make them easier to deal with.
Don't see him before you go on vacation. It will make you feel a smidgen better for about an hour and then it will be like breaking up all over again and you'll feel worse then ever before. Its okay if you don’t' believe me, but I've been there a few times. Right now what you need is distance and time. You need the time and distance to get angry, and to square things up in your own mind.
His reasons for the break up are totally irrelevant. NOTHING he can say or do will make you feel any better. He is the cause of this pain, so he can’t take it away, even if he was trying too, and he isn’t.
Everything you need to deal with this, you need to find inside yourself.
Your desire to see him right now is a bit like a drug-addict saying “Just one more hit.” They know it’s going to hurt them, but they do it anyways because they want it that bad. They will say and do anything to make that one last hit seem like a rational, good idea.
Be stronger then that. Only by being stronger then that will you start to get better.
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The Question
I am a 30 yr old female who is currently in a relationship with a man who is 41 yrs old. We have been together for 1.5 yrs and have known each other for 3 yrs. Our relationship is healthy. We have things in common and love each other very much. We have discussed marriage briefly and he has said that he wants to marry me. He asked me to move in to his home in January of 2009. Last year in July I told him that I would not consider moving in with a boyfriend again unless I was engaged. I want to do things right and I am having doubts about moving in with my current boyfriend in January since he has yet to propose. I can't help but look at his past realtionships... He was with a woman for 9 years and a woman for 3 years and never proposed to them. I have asked him in the past as to why, and he said that they grew apart and he never really loved the 3 year realtionship partner. So what makes me different? Should I not move in with him until I am engaged? Most importantly, how do I approach this subject? Thanks
The Answer
You need to do what you are comfortable with.
If you aren't comfortable moving in with someone unless there is an engagement, say so. That is a really important detail, and he needs to know it. It's not about giving him an ultimatum; it's about being honest about your needs and expectations.
If you see moving in with him as a step that should mean marriage is right on the horizon, tell him so. If he doesn’t see moving in together the same way, then you two really need to talk about that.
Just approach him honestly and gently. You don't need to accuse or defend. Mostly, you just need to ask some tough questions: What does moving in togeather mean to him? When does he see getting married to you? How does he see his life procedding in the next five years?
Be prepared to share your answers to those questions as well.
If he doesn't have answers to those questions, or if his answers don't really include you, then you know you have good reason to be concerned about the reality of marriage.
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The Question
Well im really scared because i was drunk on this night and this lad i really liked i kept going over too him and sayin i love him and i only wanted to meet him but i didnt know what i was doing and he took me in a bush and fingered me but i dont know if he did anything else and i havent started my period but blood came out a week later and i was on for a week but ive not come on for four months how do i know if i started or something is wrong with me?
The Answer
If you haven't had your period in four months it would be a good idea to see a doctor. That is a bit long for any woman to go, even a young one who might be irregular normally.
If you think you might be pregnant, take a home pregnancy test.
You may also ask the guy you were with what happened. He might be able to calm some of your fears.
It’s not unusual to see a bit of a blood after your first sexual activity. It is called spotting. It could have happened because of damage to your hymen, or simply because being fingered dislodged some menstrual blood.
In the future, please use proper grammar. I think I understand your question, but I'm not certain. Full sentences would help people know they've understood you correctly and give you the best advice they can. Remember that we have absolutely nothing to go on but what you write.
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The Question
16. we broke up a month ago and went out for a year and a half. he posted a question on here a few days ago about how to flirt with girls at his work. and of course i was reading thru advicenators and i found it. i am beyond upset. i knew the question was either asked by him or his brother, but it's too good of grammar to be his brother (i don't know this for sure though.)
the worst part is that he's saying he didn't ask the question. i don't know if i should believe him or not, because the grammar really is too good to be his brother. that's not my problem. my problem is that he's already flirting with girls after a month and it really hurts. on top of all of that, he's practically ignoring me. i still love him very much, in every way, but i really wish we could still be best friends. i know i can't control his mind though. my question is: should i let him be the one to initiate conversation? should he have to start working to keep the friendship together? i've tried "ignoring" him but everytime he gets online i end up IM-ing him. i just need some really good advice on if i should let him take the lead. and don't just tell me to, try to convince me. like i said earlier, i've already tried, but it's too hard.
it's so crushing to know he doesn't want anything to do with me... i need advice on how to keep myself sane as well. i really love him, i would never get back together with him, but i just want to be friends. i want him still to im me and go do fun stuff with me as a friend. we went from very best friends to nothing when he broke up with me. advice on how to handle this situation with him, and how to handle my heartbreak?
thank you.
The Answer
You broke up hun, and even though it might not be pleasant for you to know or read about he is perfectly free to go flirt with other people.
I know you really wish you could still be best friends, but you can't be. The truth is you weren't best friends. You were in a relationship and that is very, very different.
Why would you want to force and work to keep this 'friendship' together? You wouldn't force yourself to be friends with anyone else, why force yourself to be friends with your ex? Especially if you find his flirting disgusting and you believe he is lying to you. That wouldn't be the kind of person I really want to be friends with.
I know you are hurt, but you really can't be friends if you are going to be this upset about even the idea of him flirting. Friends just don't feel that strongly about each other. You do. So, by definition, he isn’t a friend. He is an ex.
Avoid him. Ignore him. Give yourself some real distance. Heartache is a process and one that takes time and space. Focus on your other friends. Be your own friend. Take care of yourself and find other people and activities to do. DON’T put your energy into a friendship that doesn’t even really exist. Maybe someday you will be able to be his friend again, but that day is not today, so let it go.
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The Question
Alright so my girlfriend of 7 months has gone through a lot. More than anyone I know and I am surprised she is still her. But anyways she just got a cell phone 4 or 5 months ago and it's a pay as you go phone. Her step-mom said she could only use it for emergencies. Of course like any teenager she didn't go by this. But she buys all her own phone cards and everything. Well a few nights ago I was talking to her about our amazing weekend (long story) well my phone has bad reception in my house so I thought it had dropped the call. I waited a minute to call her back and when I did her step-mom answered. Thats when I figured out she hung up because she came in. Well anyways she told me that she was only to be using this phone for emergencies and that she will have to talk to me another time. Then the next day she called me for just a minute to say she has been groudned for 2 weeks. She can't see talk or do anything with anyone. So pretty much isolation. And this is all my fault and now we may not get to go to the Journey concert we planned on for months since that is within these 2 weeks. I just feel the need to make things right. And to know if her dad had any say in the punishment. Because honestly it should be up to him and not the step mom since it's his daughter. Is there anything I can do to make this right?
The Answer
Stay out of it.
It's not all your fault, she knew the rule and she broke it. She even broke it and got caught. That is her bad, not yours and interfering now can only make things worse.
It is none of your business if her father was involved in the punishment or not. It's not your business how her father and step-mom choose to sort out discipline duties. Your opinion just doesn't matter at all. It would be rude and impertinent to share it with them, not to mention counter-productive, because if you get on her parents bad side, they will be even less likely to let her go to the concert.
One of the best arguments she has to offer about the concert is that to not go would be disappoint and let you down as well, after making the agreement to go with you. If you piss off her parents, that argument looses its potency.
And the truth is it is right that she was punished for breaking the rules.
An employer could punish an employee if they broke a rule and say… used the computer for personal things, even if they only did it on their lunch hour or after hours.
A police officer could punish you for speeding on a road even if there wasn’t anyone else around you could have hurt.
You might not agree with the consequences your friend is facing, or the rule that she was supposed to obey, but your opinion isn’t going to change anything. The only thing that will happen, if you try and help her escape her punishment, is that you’ll piss off her parents even more.
Send her an e-mail or something and let her know you are thinking about her and want to chat when she is able. She will probably find someway to reply in the next week. That really is the only thing you can do for her.
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The Question
I used to be best friends with this girl up until about 1 year ago. We had a lot of problems in our friendship, because we had differing ideas about where we wanted to go. She was hell bent on becoming popular, whereas I was not. She basically kicked me out of her life.
On top of that, just recently, she dated my ex. She was my best friend while we were together. That really upset me.
Anyways, I've noticed this, for a long time. My former best friend is lost. And I mean that. She is utterly, and completely lost within herself. She pretends to be happy, and is trying to promote this happy, "sexy" (wearing revealing clothing) version of herself.
Other people may buy it, but I don't. I can see right through it. She is not happy. In fact, I will go so far to say that she is extremely depressed.
Should I be doing anything about this? I feel bad for her, and feel like I need to help her.
I think, "It's my duty as a friend..." but then I realized..we aren't friends.
Currently, we don't really talk.
The Answer
I think the most important thing for you to do here, is address your own feelings, not hers.
You might be absolutely right about the feelings you are attributing to her, but you also might be completely wrong. Reaching out to her assuming that she is depressed and miserable would be insulting and belittling. Even if it’s true, I can’t imagine she’d appreciate it being pointed out point-blank.
So, what are YOU feeling? Are you morning the loss of this once close friendship? Do you want her to know that you still care about her despite the changes you both have faced in the last year? Do you wonder about how she is doing sometimes and wish you could talk to her like you used to do?
Those are YOUR feelings, and are definitely things you could share with her! See how I phrased those questions so that they aren’t about her at all. They don’t assume anything, but express what you are (maybe) feeling. That is the best way to re-open communication with someone, not by trying to diagnose them or make assumptions, but telling them what you feel and why you want to communicate with them again. You could write her an e-mail or letter if you’d like. That can be a good way to really make your first contact exact and controlled.
Don’t expect sudden intimacy from her. You can’t force friendship. If all you can give her is a friendly conversation with a friend or time at a good movie, that’s fine. If she wants further friendship or intimacy from you, she’ll let the conversation tend that way. If you want to reach out, reach out with your own feelings and reasons, and see if she reaches back with hers.
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The Question
So, my family has a family plan from verizon wireless. We had texting, but my sister ended up going wayyy over her texting limit, and my mom got rid of her texting. But, she also got rid of mine, which is completely not fair. She said that with the family plan if you want to take away one person's texting privillages, you have to take it away for everyone? is this true, or was she lying to me? i was thinking maybe she was lying to me because she doesnt want me to go over my limit, but i know i wont. does anyone know of a plan from verizon that makes you do have to do that?
The Answer
It could certainly be true. I would bet it is.
It wouldn't be right of your mom to have lied to you, but seriously, the curse of having siblings is that when one of the screws up, you all suffer for it sometimes.
You are right, it's not fair, it’s life.
When my brother developed a drug problem, all of siblings, myself included, who had never so much as smoked pot, lost privileges. When my sister totaled the family van, it was almost a year before my parents were comfortable allowing any of to drive further then the corner store.
It's the price we pay for not living alone as hermits in the woods. Trust me, it’s worth the price. If you like not being a hermit in the woods, maybe offer your mom ten bucks a month to cover your texting and agree to cover the fees if you go over.
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The Question
I went out on a first date with this guy. He is really nice and everything, but I'm not really looking for a relationship. During the date, he asked what I'm looking for and I explicitly said "nothing serious".
He has called me every day since the date (which was 4 days ago) and has even invited me to spend the night.
He's a nice guy and I wouldn't mind spending time with him, but I don't want a relationship with him and I don't want him calling all the time!
What do I do? I hate being mean to people.
The Answer
There is a certainly a fine line between being clear and being rude.
However years of costumer service have taught me that for the sake of being clear to somebody it can be worth it to be a bit rude.
Let him know clearly, agian, that you aren't interested in a relationship and aren't comfortable with the ammount of times he is calling you. If you don't want to spend the night with him, this would be a good time to state that plainly.
After that, only pick up calls you are willing to take. If he doesn't fall into line with your bounderies, tell him, as polietly as possible, that your friendship isn't working out.
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The Question
how can you give advice if you're not open-minded? i see a lot of answers on this site saying negative things towards certain religions and sexual orientations. and lots of labeling (preps, emos, etc).
i think that if you're going to try to help someone, you need to accept what they have to say and answer respectfully. am i the only one who feels this way?
The Answer
Yes, everyone should be respectful. If you see someone being disrespectful, they are breaking the rules of this site and you should file an abuse report.
However, being respectful actually doesn't include being open-minded. It is possible to be respectful yet very conservative and close-minded.
As much I might think that it is a crock of shit, it isn’t disrespectful for someone to suggest religious counseling to ‘cure’ homosexuality. It’s their opinion and their advice. As long as they are not rude or offensive in delivering that advice, it is okay. It might be dead wrong, but it’s okay advice.
Although I personally always try to be respectful, I very rarely just 'accept what they have to say'. People suck at self-reporting. They give you the information they want you to have to generate the response they desire. They exaggerate and leave out the details.
I don't base my advice on the responses they desire. I do my best to discern what I think it truly happening. Some people would call that disrespectful or ignorant assumptions.
I don't shy away from labels that fit. Labels like controlling, asshole, adulterer, will be applied when they appear accurate. Some people would call that disrespectful.
I don’t think there is anything that can be done about the kind of labels you are talking about. Labels like prep and emo have basically no applications in the real world once you hit twenty. No one I know uses them except for my teenage siblings. They are part of communication between teenagers and although they can be insulting, they can also be safe generalizations to make to help other people understand what you are talking about.
Imperfect generalizations: Definitely. Inherently disrespectful: Not so much.
I think most people would agree that we need to treat each other with respect. If you see something that you feel is disrespectful, report it and it can be dealt with.
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The Question
Hi. I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and 4 months now. When we first got together, I remember him telling me about how his neighbor would beat his wife all the time, and he said this with admiration in his voice. I asked him if he thought it was okay to hit a woman, and he said yeah.
He does have anger problems, and the least little thing would set him off.
He used to tell me not to come to his house unless his cousin was with me, and one time I did go without his cousin and he huffed and puffed and balled up his fists, and turned sharply and walked away...later on he told me that he was going to knock me across the yard...he would always tell me how badly he wished he could put his hands on me and put me in my place. One time I was standing outside his car, and he hurt me by pulling my arm halfway through the window and pushing down on it from inside. But he never hit me.
But now he's taking medicine to control his temper and things are much better, and it's like he's a different person. But not long ago, I went to a friend's house, Don, to do his hair, and my boyfriend followed me there and hit the gas and kept speeding past the house, back and forth like a maniac. Then he called everyone he knows and got them to call me to tell me how much he was sorry, etc.
Another thing is that one night he took my cell phone from me and went through it and started calling numbers he didnt know, accusing me of cheating. When I tried to get the phone back, he almost hit me. Then he cornered me, grabbed my face tight, and told me that I had better not be cheating on him.
I'm afraid of him, so when he does things like that, I just lower my head. Then, when we're on the phone the next day, he laughs about how scared of him I was. Now he's told me that he doesnt want me to talk to Don at all anymore, even though I've told him constantly that we're just friends. And to top it off, he's trying to get me pregnant. I've told him I don't want kids right now, but he keeps 'forgetting' condoms or takes them off when I'm not looking. He has actually told me that he wants me to have his baby so that I can't leave him.
He's really a sweet person, and compared to what I went through when we first started dating, our relationship is peaceful now. But now that we're supposed to be living together soon, I'm worried that he might change and go back to his old ways. Call me crazy, but we have a great relationship when he's not angry, and I don't want to leave...I've tried leaving him in the past, but he cries and begs for me to come back. Since he's been taking his medicine the only time he gets really mad is when he thinks I'm cheating or something.
How high is the chance that he's going to become physically abusive in the future? Would this already be considering abuse or controlling behavior? Any thoughts/advice is appreciated. Thanks!
The Answer
At this point, I would say call it next to impossible that he WONT hit you in the future.
He is already abusive.
He is prone to physical violence.
He has expressed that he believes to be okay.
He has established bizarre rules you must follow and then threatens you when you don’t.
He believe he can determine your friends.
He has told you he will hit you.
He accuses you randomly and tries to make his bad behavior your fault.
He drags the rest of your friends and family into the situation to try and prove to the world he is all right.
He is trying to get you pregnant agianst your will. THAT is tantamount to rape.
A guy who pulled that shit me once, would never get a chance to sleep with me again.
Most importantly: He frightens you.
He SHOULD frighten you. Yes, this is abuse. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you think or feel. He is going to do exactly what he wants too. One of these days, he is gonna want to hit you, and he will.
He is controlling and manipulative, cruel and irrational. I would be terrified of this guy. I would be changing my locks and calling the cops.
It's great that he is taking medication and getting a bit better, but he is NOT better enough for you to be with him. He is still royally screwed up and he is trying to make it impossible for you to leave him.
You need to dump him. Now. Do it in a public place where he can't harm you and call the cops afterwards to take you home if you must. Take whatever precautions you need to too stay safe, but don’t stay with him for another day. This relationship can only harm you.
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The Question
So I am friends with this guy he just turned 30 and im 16.. hes not a creeper so don't think that. He doesn't really act 30 he kinda acts like a college student. Anyways I think i am starting to like him and i don't know what to do. And he told me he really wanted ME(he used capitals) to go to one of his shows and gah I don't know what to do about the situation.. I need help.
The Answer
A 30 year old who acts like a college student and pursues 16 year olds IS creepy.
I can state with utter confidence that most normal well-adjusted 30 year old men would run to the nearest psychologist if they ever seriously thought about having that kind of a relationship with a 16 year old.
Of course, that has nothing to with you! I’m sure you are an amazing and desirable young lady, but A 30 year old who would want to be with a young teen has some really unsettling demons lurking around and just waiting to jump out and force you in a terrifying way to realize that mentally healthy 30 year old men don’t troll for dates at the local high school.
I know people will tell you that love conquers all, and that age ain’t nothing but a number.
That is a boldfaced lie.
Again, I’m sure you are a wonderful young lady and very deserving of his affection and you haven’t done anything wrong by liking him. It’s very natural to crush on older guys. It’s biological and it feels good. You just have to remember that it wouldn’t be productive to take it any further then a gentle crush.
If HE tries to take it further then a gentle crush, you should probably call the cops.
A 30 year old who thinks a romantic relationship with a sixteen year old is okay is immature, probably an under-achiever, and damn likely a control freak to boot. A 30 year old who seriously wants to be with a 16 year old IS CREEPY.
So, enjoy your crushing, but realize that to take it any further then a crush wouldn’t be sensible. If he thinks it would be okay to take it further, it is 99.9999% likely that his motivations and mental health are questionable.
Try to connect with people closer to your own age. You’ll learn more that way. You’ll develop confidence and discover yourself with a partner who is your equal in life experience and motivation.
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The Question
A teacher this year, that taught me in a subject that wasn't my strongest, so I'd always coming for extra help after school, and naturally we got to know each other, but as the year came to an end, I started to realize that he was treating me different, I started to realize that sometimes he would flirt with me, but he really never did anything that made me feel weird or uncomfortable but after awhile, he started doing things, like making fun of little things I would do in class, or he would say, 'I love you, I just want you to know that.', or you will always have a special place in my heart. and when he saw me before graduation, he told me I looked beautiful, and said that this year has been a year he won't forget, because he feels that he has become a better person, teacher, everything because I opened his eyes to giving people an opportunity to succeed.The year was full of moments like that.
Now, I am starting to question how I feel about him, It's like he slowly seduced me all year? I just don't know if these 'feelings' between us are real? I graduated so I am no longer a student at school and I just don't know why all of a sudden, I find myself feeling this way. Its like as long as I was a student at the same school that he was my teacher I would never have even looked at him like that, but now, Its like things have changed, and I don't know what to think about the situation. He never bluntly asked me out or anything, but he did say at the end of the year that he did like me, and he hoped that any guy who dates me realizes how lucky they are.
I will be 19 next February, and he will be 25 this August. I know all of this must sound pretty stupid, but I just wanted to see what others thought, because sometimes people get caught up and don't see things clearly, and I am starting to wonder if this is just my mind playing tricks on me, or if maybe something is there. I do know that teacher/Student relationships are usually frowned upon, so thats why I felt so unclear as to what I should do next. Do I test the waters with him, or just forget him all together? Does any of this, even sound like he really has feelings for me?? Its sort of like, my heart tells me one thing, but the reality of the way people think makes me feel like I have to think otherwise.
What do you guys think about all of this?!?
The Answer
I vote for you getting a bit caught up and not seeing things clearly.
Let this crush go for a while. Your world is about to expand way beyond high school. There will be college, work and new people in abundance. It’s a scary thing, and I’d bet your fear is at least one reason you are so suddenly attracted to this one nice piece of high school.
But this isn’t the time for holding on to the past. It’s a time to move forward and discover yourself.
Does it sound to me like he has romantic feelings for you? He might have some inclination, but I kinda doubt it.
It sounds to me like he is a 25 year-old-guy, a nice friendly one, who has learned how to say kind things to women he has plutonic feelings for. Many good guys DO learn how to pay those complaints eventually. Actually, they seem to figure it out about the same time that women figure out that not every guy who pays her a sweet compliment wants to be her life mate.
It also sounds like he is a nice, but inexperienced, 25-year-old teacher, who needs to be reminded that teenagers are apt to interpret things very differently then adult are. That isn’t an insult. It’s just the truth. I had, and you will have, a very different emotional vocabulary at 19 then at 25.
Let it go for now. If it still plagues you in a year or so, come back to it after you've put some distance between your student/teacher relationship, because it isn’t just about 'what people think', is it also unhealthy to pursue a romantic relationship out of a teacher/student one. It has a lot of baggage and can be very damaging to you. It is wrong for the same reason it is wrong for doctors to treat their own family members (sure, it’s not AS problematic as that, but it’s the same basic principal).
Try to look forward, rather then backwards.
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The Question
I had a great teacher in my old school, I still live in the same town, but I changed schools.
I hadn't seen the teacher for a year, until last week I went to pick up some stuff that I ordered, and stopped at Starbucks. There he was (I'll name him Simon to make things easier) and I was happy to see him, he turned around and he was all happy and smiling and said ''Hey, name, I haven't seen you for over a year!'' and yes we hugged.
I'm almost 16, and he's a young teacher, I think about 24. We sat in Starbucks for about 6 hours, drinking and talking, and I found out that he's not with his girlfriend anymore and I don't know...I just like him so much.
He's always been relaxed. Like when I was going through shit times, I started smoking (I quit, and I'm proud :) ) and once I was sitting in the park near our school smoking and tears running down my face. He sits next to me, I tell him about all the shit that happened, and he helped me sort everything out.
I basically have no secrets from him, and since that day at Starbucks, I've seen him again twice.
We kiss each other on the cheek to say hello and bye, but practically no other physical contact.
I have fun with him, and I care for him..and I know so much about him but if any of my friends knew..well they'd be jealous cause he's pretty good looking, but I'm not sure what they'd think.
He is an ex teacher, but my friends still have him as a teacher.
I've only told my best friend from my new school, and she thinks it's cool, but she said that if he was one of her teacher, and knew that he was kissing me, she'd feel really uncomfortable.
And is it illegal...that's my main concern?
He taught me for a year, and now I go to a different school. I'm almost 16.
So confused and lost..
The Answer
What you are currently doing isn't illegal. Running into an old teacher and pecking them on the check isn’t illegal, however, as your friend pointed out, it could be misinterpreted. It isn’t something that should be happening on a regular basis.
For you to have a romantic relationship with him would be illegal every state and country I know of. He could not only loose his license, he would likely face some fines and/or jail time. Your parents would have no difficulty getting a restraining order.
If these other meetings are also just public bump-into-each others, that is fine. There is nothing wrong with bumping into an old teacher and greeting them warmly. HOWEVER if you or he are arranging these get together, then you have crossed into grey-zone where the police or the school board might get involved if they find out.
It is illegal and wrong, for him to enter into anything more then a friendship with you.
Since you have such a strong friendship with him, maybe you should mention your feelings of ‘something more’ with him. He sounds like he will kindly help you sort those feelings out.
It’s not unusual to be attracted to older people, especially people like teachers. It is VERY normal to be attracted to someone who helped you through a challenging time in your life. You just need to put those feelings in their proper place, and not let them lead you down a dangerous path. There are very good reasons that these laws exist that forbid this romantic relationship: they are meant to keep you safe and healthy.
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The Question
my bro n his wife r having trouble raising their son which most of it is lack of common sense and mainly being to selfish so i was asked by my parents if i wud move home(2 hrs away) to help them help my bro n wife..dnt want to move back to home town however there is a little boy to b concerned 4..very confused and a rollercoaster of thots running thru my head that i dnt feel im thinking with full clarity..and i have to move by end of month so the pressure of time isnt helping either......
The Answer
It is unlikely that your presence will fix a 'lack of common sense'.
You'll just be on more adult jumping into the fray around this child. One more person arguing and pushing him this way and that…
I can't know all the details here and can't tell you what to choose, but you should definitely stop beating yourself up. Even if you do move back, don't kid yourself, you wouldn't be parenting the child. His idiot parents would still be his main influence.
Tell your family, if they are really concerned, to send the boys parents to a parental coach. A professional will make a much bigger and better impact then you could.
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The Question
hello.
sorry that its long btw.
well my mom and my sister are having financial problems. my sister is 19 (20 in a month) and carries on leeching off my mom. she relies on her for money, even though she had a job. she was in £1000 debt, so my mom put it into her bank accound. if she needs money, she goes to my mom.
ive explained to my mother that putting money in her account is only a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and she shouldnt do it. she is an adult and needs to learn for herself. my mother still carries on.
they argue a lot whenever my sister asks for money, because my mom is finding it hard to get the money to give it to her. my mom has to pay the rent on the house,a s well as other finances. she has to ask my grandmother, who is quite rich to lend her the money, to give to my sister, so its like a generation to generation thing, lol.
if my mom doesnt give my sister money, they argue, and ir eally cant bear it. My sister swore that she was trying to sort herself out when they argued today, but i couldnt help but be disgusted, as i am using my sisters old phone, and there was a voicemail for her saying that they have found someone to cover her shift. when i ask her about it, her response was that she is trying to make them release her early, so that she can start her new better job, as she has allready handed in her resignation. i think thats absolutely stupid, as getting the money that she is not going to work for, will be better than recieving no money at all, which is what she is going. she tells my mom she is going to work (normally does night shifts, as a nurse) but i think she just stays at a friends house, or goes out at spends the little cash she has.
any advice for what i can do? for anything at all? thank you.
The Answer
You need to accept that this is not your problem.
I know that is really hard, because it affects you sooo much and it sounds like you are all living at home... but really, this your Moms problem, and she will have an easier time dealing with it if you back off.
The way you are working now, you are trying to tell your mother two things that no parent is comfortable hearing:
ONE That you, her child, is giving her sound advice and identifying her errors.
TWO That your sister, her child, is fucking up and needs to be allowed to suffer for it.
So, you need to do two things:
ONE Stop offering advice.
TWO Stop being critical of her child (your sister).
As long as you keep being critical of your sister, your mother will keep defending her.
As long as you keep trying to solve her problems with good advice, your mother won’t hear what you are saying.
Don't bring up the issues with your sister. If your mother brings them up, don't offer advice and don't criticize. Just Sympathize.
Say things like "I know Mom. I see you working really hard and it's sad." "Yeah, there is only so much money to go around." "I'm really sorry you are upset."
Focus on your Mom's feelings and what she sees happening. Take your own feelings and opinions out of the equation. Don’t talk about what you think your sister’s problem is, just listen and focus on your Mom.
I PROMISE, if you can go two weeks without criticizing or offering advice, your mother will start to criticize your sister to you, and will suddenly start getting fed up with her.
This really isn’t your problem, so when you stop being angry on your mom’s behalf, she will need to get angry on her own behalf. It might take a few weeks, but she will get angry for herself.
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The Question
When a person discovers they have an STD, they're required by law to inform all of their partners so they will get tested too. Well, I ended up getting an STD from a guy and he didn't tell me.. What the hell do I do. He doesn't live in US anymore because the fu*ker moved.. I'm sure that doesn't help my case much though now does it?
The Answer
You are not required by law to disclose STD information to all your partners.
Yes, it's a good practice and doctors encourage it, but it's not actually a legal obligation.
There have been a few court cases recently where people have won lawsuits and had damages paid for being infected with HIV, but those cases are extreme. Those are situations where someone deliberately and maliciously infected someone else with HIV or where someone behaved irresponsibly and tried to infect many with HIV despite knowing their situiation.
So no, unless you have evidence that he deliberately infected you for kicks or to punish you some how, you don’t have a case. You are just as responsible as he is, whether infected or not, to practice safe sex and just as responsible for the risks.
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The Question
I've babysitting a 7 year old boy for almost 2 years. The parents are very nice but I kind of feel like they don't trust me. A few months ago I was babysitting for them late at night and before they left, they made a very big deal out of it. They kept telling me to lock the door and not open it for anyone (like I don't already know that) and gave me their cell numbers even though I already have them and told me to call if anything happens. I was really confused because they were acting like they were really worried and this wasn't the first time I've babysat for them, and nothing ever happened to the little boy while I was there. Last week I was babysitting him in the morning and someone knocked on the door. I told him that we shouldn't answer because we were alone, but the person kept knocking for literally about 5 minutes and wouldn't leave. The little boy kept telling me to open it and I wouldn't, and he started to cry and get scared when the person kept knocking. So I kind of panicked, and told him to stay in the living room while I answered the door. I talked to the person through the screen door and he wanted to talk to the boy's dad. I said he wasn't home and the guy gave me a business card and told me to give it to him. So when the boy's mom got home I showed her the card and she said "Oh, that guy came?" So she obviously knew he was going to come and I don't know why she didn't tell me (other families I've babysat for always told me if they were expecting someone to come to the house). I babysat him again a couple days ago, and his mom told me over and over again not to answer the door for anyone. She never really gave me a chance to explain why I answered the door the last time. They do want me to keep babysitting for them, but they treat me like I don't know what I'm doing. So how can I get them to trust me?
The Answer
You probably can't get them to stop nattering at you about the door, but that doesn't mean they don't trust you. They simply feel better repeating themselves. When someone is paying you to do a job, it's best to just suck it up and listen to them, even if you already know everything they are saying. It's thier money after all. They are entitled to wasting a bit of your time.
Don't take it too personally.
This whole thing with the expected person and the constant knocking sounds a bit fishy... I wouldn't be suprised if there was a reason, that has absolutely nothing to do with you, that they don't want you anwsering the door.
Or maybe they are just anal.
The best thing you can do, is not answer the door. When you are in charge a child's discomfort should NEVER cause you do something unsafe. It was unsafe to answer the door. You would have been better off dealing with his tears, putting in a movie or playing a favorite game or music then opening the door.
If they still want you to babysit, you really don't have a problem. That means they DO trust you. Just listen to them respectfully as the natter on about the door, and if such a situation happens agian, be strong and don't give in to the childs tears but stick to the house rules.
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The Question
What should I do if: I met a woman several months ago. She has 3 kids. At firse we got along. But shortly after she met me, things changed. You see, I showed her a Cook Book where I have prize winning entrys. I also told her I've published graphics for Smiley.com At the moment, she did not say anything. Then I learned she is sending e-mails to me, my family, and friends in the community claiming I'm a Liar
about the accomplishments I told her about.
She also wanted the name of my copyright attorney and she also wanted to know other stuff. Finally,
she started declaring to everyone I'm a liar about everything. I have consulted an attorney and he said she could be sued for slander.
So my question is (1.) What do you make of anyone who would falsely claim you're lying when in fact, you aren't. I have tons of Court papers, publishing contract's, award certificates, and other proof. Strangely enough, she never wanted to see my proof, yer she's telling everybody I have no credential's. So (2.) Could she be sizing me up for money? (3.) An attorney told me I could sue her. (4.) Should I have my attorney let into her to teach her a lesson?
Please let me know.
Persey Harris
Publisher
The Answer
Suing someone in order to 'teach them a lesson' is never a very good idea. If that is your goal, you might as well give up now. Lawsuits are not very good at teaching a person a lesson besides 'don't get caught'. They generally just cause a person to dig their heels in and defend their pervious choices, no matter how bad.
If you goal is to redeem yourself and your professional reputation, by all means sue her.
I am not a lawyer, but I am pretty certian that people do not get sued for ‘slander’. Technically, you would be suing for defamation. It’s good to know the legal terms.
In most jurisdictions you must prove that the defamation that this person engaged in harmed your income potential, your public image, or was not of public concern, and it was reasonable for you to be offended by its release.
That is the rub: Winning a lawsuit for defamation does NOT mean what she said was necessarily declared untrue by a court of law. It simply means that it was harmful and did not need to be aired to the public. It is merely a technical difference of course, but it’s important to understand that that is the result you really from a defamation suit. I doubt it’s exactly the one you want.
But that is just something to consider as you move forward with this. Seriously weigh if it is worth it to pursue this as far as a lawsuit. A simply cease and desist letter from your attorney might produce just as much as an actual suit would against her (and would cost you far less!).
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The Question
i recently went to the doctor
and she was talking with my mother about my pap smear (which i havent had yet)
and i have a few questions
my mom doesnt know ive had sex :/
if i do have a papsmear and they find i have HPV, will she know ive had sex
the only way to get it is through sex isnt it?
also, at what age will i have to have it?
do i have a choice?
oh, and does it hurt?
thanks
xxx
The Answer
Pap smears are not a perfect test for HPV. Only blood tests can be definitive. So there is no reason for you to be terrified they will find out you have HPV from a pap smear, they can't know for sure from a pap, they can only suspect you do.
Also, your doctor can not, legally, reveal such information to your mother unless you give her permission too. It is private.
Simply bring up your concern with your doctor privately and make sure she is clear that you don't want her discussing your results with your mother.
You certainly have a choice; however, it would be irresponsible to not get a pap. Every woman, ESPECIALLY sexually active women, should get one once a year. It's like going to the dentist. It's important and part of taking care of your body.
Pap smears are generally not painful, it shouldn’t really hurt, but it is awkward and uncomfortable.
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The Question
I was wondering if there was a website that allowed you to send cards to mental health patients so that they know that others are thinking of them. I can't find anything, so anything that is helpful would be appreciated! :)
The Answer
I am going to assume that you are talking about mental patients living at a facility, not simply the thousands of people who are mental health patients but live lives at home, might have jobs and families and aren’t very different from a ‘normal person’.
The very core of the reason that people choose to, or are compelled too, live at a psychiatric treatment centre, is because their interaction with the rest of the world is problematic, and needs to be controlled and monitored.
For that reason, I highly doubt that there is any way for you to do what you are asking about. I’m sure you mean well and have the best intentions, but your communication might interfere with their treatment, and the doctors aren’t going to allow that.
Also, a lot of patients once they reach the point that they need an assisted living arrangement might not ‘get well’.
Adopt a grandparent or senior if you want to offer support to someone who might be lonely or suffering. I bet if you contacted a home for the elderly and said you’d like a pen pal they would be delighted to set you up! Even write a prison inmate (carefully, and only if you are over 18). Prison inmates have been shown to benefit from correspondence with friends outside of prison.
I know you want to help, but I have some experience at live-in psychiatric facilities and what you are suggesting wouldn’t be helpful for most of the patients there. It would only be confusing, and maybe a little insulting to receive such a correspondence from a stranger.
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