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Abuse?
Hi. I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and 4 months now. When we first got together, I remember him telling me about how his neighbor would beat his wife all the time, and he said this with admiration in his voice. I asked him if he thought it was okay to hit a woman, and he said yeah.
He does have anger problems, and the least little thing would set him off.
He used to tell me not to come to his house unless his cousin was with me, and one time I did go without his cousin and he huffed and puffed and balled up his fists, and turned sharply and walked away...later on he told me that he was going to knock me across the yard...he would always tell me how badly he wished he could put his hands on me and put me in my place. One time I was standing outside his car, and he hurt me by pulling my arm halfway through the window and pushing down on it from inside. But he never hit me.
But now he's taking medicine to control his temper and things are much better, and it's like he's a different person. But not long ago, I went to a friend's house, Don, to do his hair, and my boyfriend followed me there and hit the gas and kept speeding past the house, back and forth like a maniac. Then he called everyone he knows and got them to call me to tell me how much he was sorry, etc.
Another thing is that one night he took my cell phone from me and went through it and started calling numbers he didnt know, accusing me of cheating. When I tried to get the phone back, he almost hit me. Then he cornered me, grabbed my face tight, and told me that I had better not be cheating on him.
I'm afraid of him, so when he does things like that, I just lower my head. Then, when we're on the phone the next day, he laughs about how scared of him I was. Now he's told me that he doesnt want me to talk to Don at all anymore, even though I've told him constantly that we're just friends. And to top it off, he's trying to get me pregnant. I've told him I don't want kids right now, but he keeps 'forgetting' condoms or takes them off when I'm not looking. He has actually told me that he wants me to have his baby so that I can't leave him.
He's really a sweet person, and compared to what I went through when we first started dating, our relationship is peaceful now. But now that we're supposed to be living together soon, I'm worried that he might change and go back to his old ways. Call me crazy, but we have a great relationship when he's not angry, and I don't want to leave...I've tried leaving him in the past, but he cries and begs for me to come back. Since he's been taking his medicine the only time he gets really mad is when he thinks I'm cheating or something.
How high is the chance that he's going to become physically abusive in the future? Would this already be considering abuse or controlling behavior? Any thoughts/advice is appreciated. Thanks!
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I believe you should leave this guy before things get worse; however, I have the feeling that you're going to stick in there for a long time.
Leaving does not mean you cannot come back after he has gotten treatment. There are no magical pills that are going to make someone "right" again. The guy NEEDS therapy, and he NEEDS anger management classes for awhile until he can learn to control his outbursts.
Do NOT have sex with this guy. Having a baby would be just as much your fault as it would be his. You do NOT have to have sex with him. You do NOT have to allow him to "forget" condoms. In addition, it's pretty obvious when a guy does not have a condom on--you CAN stop the whole activity and say, "Whoa...NO, we did not agree on condomless tonight." Stop engaging in sexual activities with the man. Honestly, if you can't trust someone to have children with them then you shouldn't be having sex with them in the first place.
If you claim you're too scared of him to say no then you need to get out now. Seriously, let him get help before you try to be in his life. This is not only for your safety but his too. If he hurts you or someone else he may end up in jail. I really doubt he'd be happy going to jail.
Now, if you leave him, again, it doesn't mean you cannot continue communicating with him. Pack your things and get out, but let him know that you will only come back after he's gone through therapy and anger management courses. If he truly loves you and wants you to be in his life then he WILL change to make the relationship work.
Yes, he may be angry at first. Yes, he may not go to the therapy sessions or anger management courses at first, but in time he may turn around to change his ways. To make a relationship work both parties need to try their best to work things out. By sticking around and not pushing him to get better through these methods you send him signs that YOU can deal with how he currently is. By leaving him and announcing that you NEED him to seek out professional help--not from just a pill--you are telling him he HAS to change to make things work and you aren't going to put up with his bullshit any longer.
After a couple of weeks of being gone it might be acceptable to call him to check in on things. You can let him know you were wondering how he was and how therapy/classes were going for him. Talk to him every now and again before meeting up somewhere public for a bite to eat. Talking about his therapy/class is key so you know that he IS learning things and making a strong effort to improve.
In short:
STOP having sex with this man!
Leave. Leave NOW.
Let him know you need him to seek counseling and anger management--not just pills, because there is no magic pill that makes everything better--before you will see him again.
Hold on to your word.
Call him after a couple of weeks.
Continue calling every once in awhile before suggesting lunch out somewhere.
Talk about his progress--find out what he is learning and if he feels he is improving.
Things really can work out if you show him that he NEEDS to make progress. Do not just let this go any more because things aren't going to just suddenly start looking up and be all better out of the blue for no reason.
I hope things work out in the end with you and the guy, but in the meantime you need to worry about you so he has the ability to work on himself.
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Holy shit, whoa. Look, there's no need for me to read past the first paragraph. If this guy thinks it's okay to hit a woman, he is WRONG. You should never feel like you deserve to be hit by a man.
How high is the chance that he's going to become physically abusive in the future? Honey, it's inevitable. If he's acting this crazy right now, there's no question about it. Physical abuse isn't the only kind of abuse. Just by telling you that he wants to hit you, etc, is mental abuse. Do not put up with it for one second.
Would this already be considered abuse or controlling behavior? YES. This man is not right for you if he scares you!
My ultimate advice is to get far, far away from this guy. Even if he's a sweet person, he does not deserve you. I mean, I don't feel the need to explain to you why you need to leave him because you basically outlined it in your question. Do what's right for YOU and leave him, even if you have to move back in with your parents. This honestly worries me, and I hope that you make the right decision.
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You need to get out of this relationship wether or not you want to or not. Your putting yourself in a BAD situation and alot of the times, people who are with someone for a long time and have been taken advantage of, DON'T get out of the relationship. I think you might be getting into something you can't handle to be honest. You know what's he's capable, why put yourself in such a big hole where you can't get out by living with him? This act of violence and abusiveness will not stop. He might go off on you and end up hitting you or harming you some how. I don't see any reason to stay with him. Obviously he doesn't trust you and you guys don't have any communication between you guys. All these things you've said are negative except when he's on meds, but even on meds, he freaks out on you, thinking your cheating. What good is that? I don't see him ever changing the way he is. That's how he was raised and what he believes in. He thinks it OKAY to hit a girl. If he already believes that then he won't doubt hitting you when he really gets ticked off. My advice is to get out of that relationship quick.. before he takes advantage of you and you won't be able to get out. I really hope things work out for you and if you ever need any other advice, let me know!
- Lacey
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This guy is a reck. HE has alredyy harmmed you. I think that its time to kick this guy to the curb. He is going to take over your whole life. I think that since he was already that way theres like a 99% chance that he can go back to his old ways. He could stop his medicine and hurt you. You could really get hurt and possibly end up dead. IF a guy can't give you the respect you diserve, end it.Your still going through this so you can't say it is over. End it.
-E
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i would get out of the relationship cause he has already expressed that he thinks its ok to hit a woman and he is already showing signs of abuse and plus he doesnt seem to listen to anythhing you say but thats just my opinion
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At this point, I would say call it next to impossible that he WONT hit you in the future.
He is already abusive.
He is prone to physical violence.
He has expressed that he believes to be okay.
He has established bizarre rules you must follow and then threatens you when you don’t.
He believe he can determine your friends.
He has told you he will hit you.
He accuses you randomly and tries to make his bad behavior your fault.
He drags the rest of your friends and family into the situation to try and prove to the world he is all right.
He is trying to get you pregnant agianst your will. THAT is tantamount to rape.
A guy who pulled that shit me once, would never get a chance to sleep with me again.
Most importantly: He frightens you.
He SHOULD frighten you. Yes, this is abuse. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you think or feel. He is going to do exactly what he wants too. One of these days, he is gonna want to hit you, and he will.
He is controlling and manipulative, cruel and irrational. I would be terrified of this guy. I would be changing my locks and calling the cops.
It's great that he is taking medication and getting a bit better, but he is NOT better enough for you to be with him. He is still royally screwed up and he is trying to make it impossible for you to leave him.
You need to dump him. Now. Do it in a public place where he can't harm you and call the cops afterwards to take you home if you must. Take whatever precautions you need to too stay safe, but don’t stay with him for another day. This relationship can only harm you.
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