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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
16/F
So saturday and sunday I smoked (like 2 cigs and 4 pulls of hooka) and drank like there was no tomorrow. Then, last night and this morning, I noticed the skin around my nails, not exactly my nails just the surrounding areas, are really yellow. I don't eat much, so it's not likely that I dug my hands into food or liquid. What little food I do eat I throw up a few minutes later. Could it be the smoking, the drinking, or the bulimia? Will it go away or should I go to the doctor? Absolutely no speeches, I just want to know if the yellowing will go away or if it's something serious. Thanks in advance.
The Answer
Go to a doctor. Get some help. NOW.
If you smoke that much, and are bulimic, then discolouring in your cuticles is just the very first of your problems. And yes, your diet and drug problems are causing it.
Your fingers are probably not getting enough blood, which carries the oxygen and vitamins they need to be healthy, unless you change your behaviour, they will get only worse.
Eventually, your teeth and gums with start to discolour and waste away as well (lack of nutrients coupled with constant vomiting will just eat right through them...). Then you’ll likely start to lose your hair, but that’s only if you don’t land in the hospital with more a serious condition first (cracked rip, ruptured oesophagus, ulcers).
Look, people don’t lecture you about bulimia because they are judging you, they lecture because you are killing yourself, little by little, starting with your skin, nails and teeth. They lecture about it because it looks ugly, because it’s a mental illness and because it’s suicide. Those aren’t judgements or lectures. Those are facts as much 'grass is green' is a fact. If you told someone you were going to jump off a bridge, they would tell you that you are going to SPLAT. If you tell someone you throw up your food, smoke and drink regularly, they are going to tell you that you are going to kill yourself.
You can try and hide these symptoms under polish and use other beauty products, but nothing out there will beat the rate of decay that drugs and an eating disorder will cause. Nothing short of fixing your messed up diet and drug habits are actually going to fix your circulatory problems and let your body be healthy enough to actually LOOK healthy again.
Please get some help. You aren't getting any happier, and you certainly aren't getting any healthier either.
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The Question
My boyfrend thnks I'm cheating on him.
I'm not! I shall say I'm attractive and a lot of guys like me, but i only have eyes for him. I'm also friends with mostly guys and I told him that when we first started talking and he semed to understand...
but I've told him everything imaginable how I felt and how I wasn't lying. I've even asked him if he's the on cheating and he says he's not. Today, he told me he's going to find out that I am some kind of way and I said I did not care because I'm not cheating.
& I always let him go through my phone & I go through his.
soooo... Wat can I do to prove to him I'm not? I'm sick of him saying it!
The Answer
Stop trying to prove it to him. Tell him to shove it.
It's attention-seeking and needy behaviour that you don't need to tolerate. If he has a specific concern like "I think you are cheating when you spend all night over at that guy's house." THEN you could have a conversation with him where there were some boundaries discussed and maybe some ways to address his concerns... but if all he has to offer is "I think you are cheating and I’m gonna prove it!" then there is nothing you can do to address that but say "Nope. You are wrong."
And you should only have to say "No. You are wrong." so many times.
The next time he accuses you of cheating this is the correct response:
“I am NOT cheating. If you seriously believe that I am cheating on you, you need to dump me right now!”
Do not defend your choices or your friends, just stick to the message: If he really, totally believes you have cheated on him, then he needs to break it off with you, because he doesn’t deserve to be with a cheater, and you don’t deserve to be falsely accused.
I know how scary that sounds, but if things have been going on like this for a while it’s the only option you have left. If he is only accusing you of cheating because he loves the drama of it and truly wants to be with you, he will back off from his accusations when you put you make it clear that he either needs to stop that behaviour or end the relationship. If he GEUNINELY believes you are cheating on him, then there is enough trust for you two to be together anyways. If he truly thinks you are cheating, he’s not sane enough to be with you.
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The Question
Sorry, I didn't really know which category to put this in. I'm a 13 year old girl. My friends practically live for their cell phones and change them at least twice a year (everybody in my grade does). I don't know about other countries, but where I'm from, new and updated phones come out nearly every week. My phone is around two years old, and it's seriously old and outdated. I get good grades and I'm pretty responsible. .It might be a little silly, but I feel embarassed with my phone and feel pressure with my friends.My parents think phones should be emergency-only. Are they being unreasonable or am I?
The Answer
They are not being unreasonable. Thier prespective is perfectly valid.
If this is something that is important to you, start to save your pennies. It would be a bit unreasonable of them to deny you spending your own money in a way you felt was important to you.
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The Question
Well my problem revolves around relationships and sex. I am 19 F and have never had a relationship in my life.I have been asked out a lot and at the moment have a couple of friends who really like me, but I don't want to go out with anybody and don't want to have a relationship. I have never kissed anybody on the lips, don't feel sexual needs and haven't been attracted to anybody. I'm no blind, I can tell that someone is hot and cute, but i'm not attracted to them. Once I thought about going with someone who is really close to me and likes me, but then I had a headache and just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's as though I have this STOP switch in my head and can't overcome it. My problem is that I think I like someone but my STOP switch is in full activate mode whenever I think of trying something. My family tells me that my condition isn't normal and I need to see a psychiatrist if I can't overcome it myself, because it will create problems in the future and it might mess me up mentally. Is it really? Is there potential danger of that happening? Do people who just can't be in relationships or don't feel attracted to others other then me exist? I am becoming worried. It was never a problem before, I was just who I was and didn't care what others thought about it. But with the appearance of this new friend who I like this is becoming troublesome. And yet I don't want to change it. I know that when someone starts seeing a psychiatrist about a problem he/she has they have to want to change that problem in order for the sessions to work. Otherwise they are just going with defenses put up and ready to argue and defend their problem. I not only don't want to change it, I don't see it is a problem. It's just a part of me, which I can't and don't want to let go of. If I can't see it as a problem than why would I even go to a psychiatrist? Because it is hurting my friend that I like, who also likes me, and it is also hurting me when I think about that friend. And what my family told me seems to be coming true. I feel confused and lost and extremely ready to defend this part of me that others see as a problem. What should I do? Do I really have a mental problem?
The Answer
The start at the end: No. The idea that not having sex is physically harmful isn’t scientifically supported. There is some scientific credence to the idea that orgasms, specifically for men, might promote good testicular health, but it has little to nothing to do with hormones, and there are no reputable studies coming to similar conclusions about females.
What we do know is that sex is a good workout, and a natural anti-depressant. That’s about it.
Your thinking about psychiatry is actually a bit out of whack: Sometimes the point of going to counselling IS to defend and explore justifications for your own beliefs. It is through that exploration that we come to understand what we feel. The idea that you have to really want to change the problem is certainly true of addiction therapy, but not of all therapy. For instance, some people might go to therapy to help them dissect and examine their feelings about their relationship with the biological parents they never met. In the situation, therapy isn’t about fixing the ‘problem’, meeting the biological parents might be impossible! It’s about talking and discussing one’s own thoughts so as to better understand and be more comfortable with the person you are.
So absolutely, I would encourage you see a therapist (not necessarily a psychiatrist, but a therapist, you should research the difference). However, you should see a sex-positive therapist who is aware that different sex drives are very real, and ideally, you should ask a therapist what their experience with asexuality is.
Asexuality is defined as having no sexual desire.
There is a link below that will take you to more information about asexuality, but first, PLEASE READ THIS:
There is A LOT of bad science about asexuality online. As you mentioned in your question, there are a lot of people out there simply looking to justify themselves and defend their position, rather than seriously explore who they are and what they want. PLEASE do not jump on the label of asexuality simply because it is a new idea that seems to fit. Be sceptical about where you get your information from. Allow yourself to learn and to grow. Talk to a therapist with experience with asexuality. DO NOT rely simply on online resources and discussions. Get credible information, and remember that sexuality is personal and fluid.
Good luck!
http://www.asexuality.org/home/
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The Question
My situation is that I was involved in a fellow employee being suspended then ultimately being transfered to another location. My involvement in this was not up to me I was a witness to inappropiate behavior that another employee also witnessed and then reported to management.I was called in to give a statement in which I told the truth as vaguely as possible do to the fact that I did not want said employee to get fired. The behavior that was innapropiate is considered sexual harrassment and was not taken lightly by the company but do to me not being meticulous about details and stating that I was not offended he was able to keep his job. He was an aquaintace and I am not into ruining peoples lives. My problem now is that he slandering me at his new location and it is getting to me. I did nothing wrong to him, I just told the truth. Actually I saved his job by talking with HR and letting them know I was not offended. He is aware of that but is still blaming me for his mistake. Normally I wouldnt care about him saying bad things about me but there is alot more to this situation that has complicated matters.If I go to management he will most likely be fired and I will look like the villian he has made me out to be. I am at alost here because it no matter how I look at this it is a lose lose situation for me.I can just let him get away with it and let it really bother me or have him fired and let it really bother me. How do I handle this without ruining his 35 years with the company and keeping the many years I have left as not being known as a whistle blower that I am already falsely accused of? Any ideas?
The Answer
Take a deep breath, hold your head high, and stop worrying.
A quick stock of the things you CAN'T control:
You CAN'T control what he says about you.
You CAN'T control his poor choices about his behaviour.
You CAN'T control the outcome of disciplinary actions (even though you tried to control it last time by being deceptive, most of the process is completely out of your hands.)
You CAN’T control how everyone in the company perceives you.
If you can’t control it, worrying about it is a waste of energy.
And for the things you can control:
You CAN control you, and the way you think about this.
You CAN, in fact, control if you feel guilty or not.
You CAN control a large part of your own appearance of guilt, by simply NOT acting guilty.
So change your thinking:
If his 35 year history with the company goes down the drain, it will not be because of your actions. He’s had two very clear opportunities to protect his own interests. He could have behaved correctly in the first place, and he also could have accepted the repercussions of his own actions with grace. He did neither.
You can’t save him from himself. You only gave him a stay of execution. He has ruined a second chance that he didn’t even deserve.
Stop feeling guilty by stop talking about yourself as though you are guilty:
Banish the thoughts of “I’ll be ruining someone’s life!”. Those thoughts are NOT actually kind to other people, they are egotistical and self-absorbed. You don’t actually have that much power over another person. You NEVER have.
Imagine that that a complete stranger read ended your car, and when you reported the accident it led to their licence being taken away. That wouldn’t be your fault for reporting the accident, that would THIER own damn fault for fucking up one too many times and loosing the right to drive a car.
We live in a society with agreements about what kind of behaviour is acceptable. There are consequences when you break that agreement. You didn’t design the system, you just function in it morally and sensibly. Not everyone else does.
If you can change your thinking, and change the way you are feeling, you might magically find that you have suddenly also changed the way you are acting:
When we feel guilty, we act guilty.
If you stop feeling guilty, you will stop acting as though as did anything wrong.
There might still be some people who blame you for the situation. You can’t control that. You never could have. But if you actions give everyone the opposite impression, if your actions imply that you are confident in your choices, without anger towards him, without stress or guilt over the situation, the number of people who blame you will remain very small. Everyone else who might be tempted to believe him will look at you and say “Well, she seems confident and respectful. She doesn’t act guilty. There must be two sides to this.”
I would focus on changing your thinking about this situation first and banishing your guilt, before you decide to tell management or not. Once you have a clear head about this, and are no longer responding emotionally to his attacks, you might find they don’t bother you nearly so much anymore, or you might realize that they are in fact very wrong, and need to be addressed by management.
There is no perfect solution, but this is certainly not a lose-lose for you. It’s a lose-lose for him, because he keeps acting like an asshole. If you can carry yourself with the knowledge you’ve done him no wrong, only the most spiteful and silly gossip mongers will cling to the idea you have, and people like that will always hate someone, for some reason.
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The Question
My two best friends and I are in a love triangle. They dated over a year ago for two months and then broke up. But the girl (Jane) didn't want to let go so she agreed to be a friend with benefits, hoping he would take her back eventually. Time goes by and the guy (Bob) dates a couple other girls, but Jane does not. She remains obsessed with Bob. One day, Bob tells me he likes me and asks me to prom, and Jane gets really jealous of me. She is worried I will date Bob. I talk to Bob about the situation and Bob says that he and Jane decided to stop hooking up awhile back because he realized that's what made her so clingy. Anyways, Jane has been antagonizing me the whole time that if I date Bob it makes me an awful friend and she's gonna be done with me. At this point I wouldn't mind it because she is the only thing making things difficult. So should I just let the friendship die? Or should I give up Bob because of her? Giving up Bob for Jane's sake isn't fair because he and I both should be able to do what we want. It's oh so complicated and I need help dearly!
The Answer
My advice: Don't date Bob.
Not because of Jane's feelings or opinions, but because Bob is not a very ideal mate right now.
It takes two to tango hun, and Bob is just as much to blame for the situation as Jane is. He allowed it to continue, he fed into her hopes and he's allowed her to be lead on. Men who women ‘chase’ are very, very rarely blameless in the situation. They almost always fed into the situation just as much as the women does, because it’s nice to be wanted, because it’s hard to turn down sex, and because no one wants to hurt anyone else.
That doesn’t make Bob a bad, bad person, but it is a serious strike against his dating potential if you and he can’t see how much he shares the blame.
You are right that you and Bob should both do what you like, but I think you should take a step back, look at Bob's behaviour in this situation, and seriously weigh if a guy who allows a situation like the one with Jane to continue is a good match for you.
Make up your mind about Bob, and then let the chips fall where they may with Jane.
She’ll probably feel betrayed, and that you are a bad friend, and that will be a valid perspective. It will be up to you if you want to try and maintain the friendship with her or not in the face of her opinions about you. At the very least, do show her the respect of letting her know what is going on, and validating her feelings. She will have the right to be hurt and to think poorly of you both. You can disagree with her, but it's pointless and disrespectful to argue.
But seriously, reconsidering dating Bob. A guy who allows one girl to go nuts over him (and encourages it, even subconciously) is not a terribly attractive partner. Be damn certain he learned his lesson about being careless with another person's feelings before you dive in.
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The Question
so my boyfriend was telling one of my friends how if you text the same person (boyfriend or girlfriend) every day its unhealthy. i understand if you see them everyday And text everyday but we see each other only on the weekends cause we live 25 mins away from each other and he never texts me during the week..he knows i like to be texted but he never does it, i always have to text him and he usually takes forever to respond or doesnt at all. is it seriously unhealthy? i miss him alot by the end of the week and i wanna talk to him...what should i do?
The Answer
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:
I am going to give you the simple direct answer I think you are actually looking for:
I agree with your boyfriend. Contact every day, or almost every day is not needed or healthy at your stage in the game. When you are living together, sure. When you are married, it’s kind of unavoidable. But when you are two teens with busy, happy lives, that degree of dependence on another person (and on technology!) should be avoided.
Sure it’s convenient! That is why it’s meaningless. Convenience can easily take the place of deliberate and careful communication. If you are too busy to communicate during the week in a deliberate thoughtful way, even to send an e-mail, then you two are just be too busy to stay in touch during the week. Period.
You are entitled to your own opinion of course, and the only thing you have left to do, if you have already decided that there is no other compromise that will work, is decide if you can happily date someone who has a different opinion then you on this topic.
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My opinion is biased, and this is why:
Text messages are ludicrously impersonal.
I won’t call them unhealthy, that’s taking it a bit far, but they are certainly not the basis of good communication between couples.
I know it's nice to know someone is thinking about you and all, but frankly, I find texts a bit annoying. They can be useful for say, firming up plans, but they are absolutely NOT a way to 'talk to someone'. They can be intrusive, they are easy to misinterpret, and they seem to be the next step in completely removing any human connection from our interactions with others.
If you are feeling disconnected from your boyfriend during the week, I seriously suggest you find another way to stay connected besides texting. I'll bet you any amount of money if you discussed some other options with him, you'd get a good response, and probably one that would satisfy you more than a moment of leet speak on your cell.
If you tell him straight up that you are feeling disconnected, and open up to the idea that texts aren't a way to deal with that that he enjoys, suggest other things that might work. Ask him if you can talk to him on the phone for twenty minutes on Thursday nights, for example. Or better yet, write him an e-mail letter. Something a few paragraphs long to tell him about what you've been up to that week and asking him some questions about things you know he's being doing that week, or that have been on his mind. Asking questions is a good way to encourage response, but you can also let him know very clearly that you respect his feelings about texts, but that these other ways (phone calls/letters/e-mails) would help you feel more in touch with him over the week days. Let him know it’s important, but respect his timeline and preferences as well.
Your feelings are important, but your method for expressing them shouldn’t be. Wanting to stay in touch with your boyfriend is fine, but texts are a silly way to do it, and obviously not a mode of communication he enjoys. That is perfectly fair. Let him know how important it is to you to stay in touch during the week, and be open to some creative compromises about how that communication takes place.
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The Question
When did sex become so bad? I get that teenagers shouldn't just sleep around and pregnancy & STDs are a problem. But why do parents go to great lengths to make their teens feel guilty about wanting and/or having sex? If its so natural and if everyone feels the need at some point, shouldn't it be talked about more openly and embraced in a better manner?
I'm 16, thinking about having sex for the first time, but I keep finding notes from my parents saying, "Absolutely no sex. Wait until your married."
I'm not religious, but I'm not a bad person. (All A's, no drinking or drugs) So why do my parents make me feel awful for even thinking about it?
Ugh. Thanks.
I just want opinions and how other people's parents react.
The Answer
This is not a new thing.
Guilt and fear has been associated with sex for millenniums.
Go back only one hundred years and you’ll discover most young women were told NOTHING about menstruation until it actually started. People genuinely believed that it was better to live in complete ignorance, and have a few minutes or hours of fearing for your life, then it was to give a young person even the most basic information about the sexual functioning of the body.
Your parents have embraced a tradition and set of values that have permeated western thinking since long before there was a concept of ‘western thinking’.
Here is what you need to accept as a rational young person:
One: No one can make you feel guilty without your permission. People don’t have that power over you unless you give it to them. Obviously, we always want people want for us what we want for ourselves, but that simply isn’t the way the world works. When dealing with a differing opinion from the people you love you need to respect their opinion, and be certain of yours. If you ARE experiencing a lot of guilt around this, I humbly suggest you are not yet certain enough in your decision to go through with it.
Two: Your parent’s values and concerns are real and just. You might not like the way they are communicating them. You might not like the way their opinions make you feel. You might not agree with their opinions either. HOWEVER, their opinions are their own, and they are entitled to them.
Your argument that ‘Wouldn’t it be better/more effective if they did…’ might be totally true, but if that isn’t what their values motivate them to do then that isn’t what is going to happen. Although I agree with you it would be better by and large for parents to focus on safe sex education rather then the message of abstinence, many people believe that abstinence is the only ‘safe sex’ and that perspective has merit and validity, even I if disagree.
It’s as unlikely you will change their minds, as it is they will change yours. This isn’t about making the other person see it your ways, agree with you, and communicate the way you want too, this is about learning to live with different, but equally valid, beliefs.
This is the beginning of many lessons you will learn in life, where the people who you are close too don’t necessarily agree with your choices. Focusing on ‘changing them’ and making them behave better or how they ‘make’ you feel is self-defeating and immature. You can’t control them, and they can’t control you. Focusing on being confident in your own choices and respectful of different values is what will see you through, keep the relationships strong and loving, and likely win you some of their support and respect, even when the disagree with your actions.
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The Question
I hate the place i live in and i always wished i could do something to get out of it and live in New york again. I'm only thirteen and I need a job that can pay me lots of money like writing a book or something. Help PLEASE!
The Answer
Hate to break it to you hun, but the average yearly income for an adult, established author, is really only about $40,000. Which is nice amount to live okay on, but certainly isn't 'a lot' of money, AND those are only the authors who can even manage to get their work published in the first place.
More importantly: At the age of thirteen you can't take any job, or sign any contract, with your guardians permission. You certainly cannot move to New York without a guardian’s permission either. It's illegal for you to rent an apartment, or a car, in most countries without your guardian’s signature as well.
Yep. It sucks. But be realistic: Focus on a PLAN that will get you closer to what you want. As lame as it sounds: Good grades and hard work are the best means of escape from small town life. The people who I knew in high school who hoped to get famous quick, still live back in my little small town. The ones who worked their asses off and had a solid plan, escaped at 17 to the big cities of the world, and most of them are now living lives they love.
Rate me down if you'd like, but without A LOT of support from your parent or guardian as they invest a lot of time and money into making you some sort of child celebrity, you just aren’t going to be capable of making an income to support a lavish lifestyle at 17. Your best bet is to find some hobbies you enjoy, some friends you like, and too work your ass off so you can chase your dreams.
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The Question
ok...
so i've been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now. he's been great, up until about two weeks ago when he got drunk and cheated on me. i broke up with him, but we got back together a week later because he promised he would do anything to have me back. Now, I believe that he's sorry, but it was kind of a relief to not be with him. don't get me wrong, i love him. he's awesome.
but i have a big problem.
my ex, who i dated for two years, has been calling me. he has wanted me back since we broke up in August. basically since i got with my current bf. i love talking to him... but he will call or text one day, and then i won't hear from him for a week or so...and so then i kind of start to heal the pain a bit and appreciate my boyfriend and think i'm over my ex, and he will call again, completely re-opening the wound.
when i'm talking to my ex consistently, my boyfriend kind of fades out of my mind. but then when my ex stops calling for a week, my attention is back on my boyfriend. I've never cheated on my boyfriend and never would, but i know i still have strong feelings for my ex... but is it just because he was my first love and i should get over him? or is there something more there?
my bf treats me right (except for the whole cheating thing...) but my ex is soo tempting. i think maybe i should decide who hurt me more... my ex broke up with me because he was dealing with his dad being on drugs and he couldnt tell me about it because he thought i would tell someone... so i understand why he left. and maybe i rushed into things with my current bf too soon after my ex and i broke up. but i think my bf hurt me worse by cheating on me. idk. any advice would be greatly appreciated =)
sorry it was so long.
btw, i'm 17, my bf is 21, and my ex is 18.
The Answer
Humble suggestion: You aren't really in a good head space to be in any realationship at all.
You aren't really committed to either of these guys, and picking one on the basis of who hurt you more... well, just think about that for a moment: You are thinking you should pick a boyfriend based on the guy who hurt you less then the other. You really could have much higher standards for the people you spend time with.
I can't give you much percise advice here. Neither of these guys are total scum, but they aren't the pick of the litter either. Maybe you did jump into a new relationship too fast, or maybe you didn't. But if you aren't truly exicted and committed to the idea of being with either of these guys, you'd probably be best on your own.
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The Question
My problem is this, There is this woman that my husband went to high school with. They were supposedly really good friends, but nothing more. My guess is because she is over 6 feet tall, and my husband is less than 5 foot 5 inches, but I really don’t know. After my husband and I were dating for about 2 years, I found him and this woman sleeping in the same bed, and she was topless. She gave a half hearted excuse about how she was just drunk and it hurts for her to sleep with a shirt on because she has fake boobs. I don’t know if anything happened that night or not, and it’s because of that, and the love I had for my husband that I let it go. He lied to me about going to hang out with this girl sometime after that, and also took her along on his bachelor party, which I find inappropriate.
This girl flashed everyone at my wedding reception, hangs all over my husband, and is basically an attention whore. I wouldn’t mind him hanging out with her, if he would let me have some friends of the opposite sex. But the only male friend I have, he won’t let me hang out with because we used to hold hands back in elementary school.
I feel disrespected by my husband because he doesn’t care this makes me uncomfortable. When I try to bring up how this makes me feel, he turns it around and gets mad at me for "not trusting him" and swears she is just one of the guys. I think he does this to cover up his wrong doings.
Am I over reacting? Should I even try to talk about this with him? If so, what do I say, and how do I keep him from making me the bad guy in this? I can never come up with a good enough example for him to see where I am coming from. Any help is appreciated.
The Answer
Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
You are stuck in a long-held pattern, of him doing as he pleases and you only half-heartedly sticking up for yourself.
The likelihood of you being able to change that pattern without professional assistance is very, very slim.
If he won't go with you, go by yourself, and learn how to set a standard for how you willing to be treated, and how to enforce it.
You could start by not arguing or 'convincing'. Obviously that isn't working, it rarely does, and why would it? If ever arguement just ends with you resentfully giving in to whatever he wants and moping about it a bit, why on earth would anything change? Just start acting in your own interest. Your husband has every right to have his feelings heard and responded too (just as you do!) but he has no right to forbid you from socializing with someone. Set a date for a dinner or lunch with your old friend, inform your husband about it well in advance, calmly and respectfully listen to his unhappiness about it, address his fears openly, and then calmly and lovingly tell him you are going to go because you have chosen too, and needs to accept that.
This isn't about being spiteful or punishing him. It's very important you don't go to childish whining like "But you are allowed to it with HER!". It's not a game of who gets to do what, it's simply you, saying very calmly, that you would like to do something, that there is nothing wrong with doing it, and that you are going to do it. It's not about him. It is simply refusing to let his negativity cage you, and it is the first step in teaching him to use a different tactic when dealing with you.
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The Question
A couple weeks ago, I experienced a very strange period. It wasnt dark cherry red at all, it was brownish. And even stranger, the flow was not heavy. I didnt have to change pads. Usually my flow gets very heavy for a couple days and lasts 4 or 5 days in total.
For the second month in a row, I used the Plan B pill. Could this have something to do with it? This past month I used the pill as a precaution. My bf didnt actually fully cum in me. And in Feb. I had a normal period.
Has anyone who has taken Plan B experienced abnormal periods? Or am I most likely pregnant?
I know I need to take a pregnancy test, I would just like to know if anyone has had weird periods after taking Plan B. Or weird periods in general and wound up not pregnant...Im so scared :/
The Answer
The strange period is very, very likely due to Plan B.
Plan B really, really, shouldn't taken regularly. It's an emergency back-up, not a technique you should rely on. There is a small risk of blood clotting issues if you take it too often, and you shouldn't take it more than once a cycle. You'll be surprised how confused and ill you can become if you disrupt your body’s natural cycle severely enough.
If you did take Plan B as directed, it's extremely unlikely that you are pregnant.
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The Question
so i have been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years and it hasn't always been a walk in the park. We've had our fights and break ups but we never stay broken up for more than like 5 days. Lately things have been really good and we have been messing around a lot lately. Like we've never had sex because i thought i wanted to wait until marriage but now i think that i want to lose my virginity to him and i don't know why things have changed like that. So i don't know if I should have sex with him or wait until marriage. He never pressures me to do anything with him I just think it's weird that all of a sudden I changed my mind. I'm 17 and so is he. Should I lose my virginity to him?
The Answer
First of all, figure out why you changed your mind, and then wait at least three weeks.
Three weeks might sound a little arbitrary (and it is) but that is my advice to you.
Have a good idea of why you changed your mind about waiting until marriage. It doesn't need to be a perfect, exactly right idea, but you should have some understanding of your own thinking that goes deeper then 'I wanna'. People are of course allowed to change their mind, but when it's about something that is a rather big deal, it's always better to know why.
There could be lots of very good reasons to have rethought your position: You might have drifted away from your religion lately or discovered you don’t agree with other things it suggests. You might have become more educated about safe sex, so you are less frightened by unknown risks. You might simply be more curious then you were before. However, there are also some not so great reasons, like trying to solidify a relationship that isn’t going to well right now, or feeling the need to ‘get it over with’. Once you think you have at least an idea of what changes your in personal beliefs have made pre-marital sex more acceptable to you now then it was before, wait three weeks. If after three weeks you still think your reasons make sense and aren’t self-destructive, then you are confident enough in your own thoughts to approach your boyfriend for his opinions and perspectives.
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The Question
I am a happily married 26 yr old lady. My husband and I are married 4 years as of today. My dilemma comes from us not having children yet. Both our parents are pretty much pushing us and nagging about "where are my grand babies?" I've told them we aren't stopping anything that it will happen when god lets it happen. Apparently that isn't good enough. I'm starting to get depressed now about it. Everything from us trying for 4 years to them nagging and then old family friends asking about it too, just makes me feel useless. I can't afford to go to a doctor to see why we haven't had children yet, so we are just going with god for now. Any other advice about it? I really wish someone could make me feel better, tell me a better way to deal with it or maybe someone knows something I don't. --Thanks
The Answer
With your family and close friends, develop a spine, and tell them in no uncertain terms to back off.
Be gentle, but firm. Remind them that you love them, and that you would like to have children, but that their constant questioning is upsetting and stressful to you. Tell them it's not acceptable and to stop. Promise to tell them just as soon as there are any new developments to report.
With people are less close too, also develop a spine, and politely ignore them. Change the subject. If they resist, smile and tell them you think that is a private matter but if and when you do get pregnant, you're sure you'll be screaming it from the rooftops.
Then, if this is important to you, start saving your pennies to see a doctor and/or researching non-for-profit health services (there are a plethora out there for women, and a few for men as well) who might be able to get the ball rolling on any examining any medical issues. There isn’t a magic trick that works for everyone when it comes to conception, so my best advice to you is to start doing your research and to stop allowing people to make you uncomfortable.
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The Question
if you have butt sex can you get pregnant?
The Answer
The anus is designed to have things come OUT of it.
I hate to be so crass, but unless you are using a condom, it drips.
So YES. It is technically possible to become pregnant when sperm makes contact with the vaginal fluids. Sperm leaking from the anus can certainly manage just that.
Unlikely, but certainly possible.
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The Question
By law, you may remove and intruder from you house by all means necessary, what if that results in murder, (involuntary or voluntary manslaughter)would get fully punished or just punished if you even would get punished?
What if that results in Assault and battery, would you pay the fines, or the hospital bill? or what in this case? What does "all means" really imply and where does it cross the line? Why?
What if the man is drunk comes into your house and thinks it is his and that is his family he is defending? would he also get the fines and hospital bill (if there would be one,) or the murder sentence? (if there would be one?
The Answer
It's just not that simple.
Certainly not in the states, where the laws on breaking and entry vary from state to state, and sometimes from county to county as well.
For instance, in Vermont the idea the courts keep upholding is you should use the MINUMUM necessary force. If you kill someone, in self-defence, even in your own home, you better not have fired more shots then you needed too, have had no available escape and been in very real danger. Anything less, and they courts might deam that you're behavoir was unlawful.
Florida keeps ruling the exact opposite way and passed a law in 2005 to that effect. They seem to think that if you need to defend yourself, shit, go all out and use all the force you can muster.
These questions you are asking are the reason we have courts, judges and juries, rather than just a book of rules. If the world was a very simple, cut and dry sort of place, a book of rules would be sufficient for all situations. The rules might states something like "Any person breaking and entering can be harmed or killed by the people living there without any legal penalties." Many people think the law says just that (and very, very few states have laws that actually go nearly that far). Most gun safety courses, which are required pretty much anywhere if someone wants to own a firearm legally, will encourage people to shoot to 'stop' an intruder, not to riddle them with bullets or to try to kill them, and even then, only as a last resource. ANY self-defence case where a person used deadly force or even potentially deadly force can be subject to examination by a court. Your property or not, they can look at whether it was actually necessary to use deadly force and whether any further action on the part of the law needs to be taken.
So, all of your questions might have different answers, depending on the state and country, and depending all many different factors during the incident.
A bit of a tangent but: There was an interesting case a few months ago about an adult woman who assisted teenage girls in making a fake MySpace page to harass and lie to another young teen. The victim ended up killing herself. Most people would agree that what this adult did in helping to push this young woman to suicide was immoral and wrong, however, there was NO law that covered it. There were cyber-bulling laws but because she was not a sexual predator, it was not a crime under them. They had to take her to the state where MySpace was run in order to charge her from breaking MySpace’s terms of use. Not necessarily a good a solution, but a good example of the law finding a way to address what people perceive as an injustice, despite the actually words in the law books.
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The Question
I'm a 15/f who loves makeup!
I usually wear mascara and eyeliner, and it tends to run under my eyes so im always using Q-tips to wipe it off. And when i take my makeup off it usually all runs under my eyes, so i have to rub harder under my eyes. Anyways what im trying to ask is how do i prevent sagging, and bigger eye bags from all this rubing, because im sure from all that rubbing my eye bags are only gonna get bigger.
any advice!?
please and thank you!
The Answer
Invest in better quality eyeliner, mascara and a good makeup remover. You don't need to go and spend a fortune, but take a step up from the dollar store brands (and even from CoverGirl). Ask at the make-up counter and be very firm with what you want to spend. A good sales person can be really helpful.
Also, use cotton pads instead of q-tips. These you can pick nice and cheep, even at a dollarstore. That way if you need to rub beneath your eyes, you are rubbing with something smooth and flat.
You are young, so your skin is probably not going to sag from the rubbing, but it will get irratated and sore. Products do exist that work wonders, ask your friends and even the people at the make up counter and find something you like.
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The Question
I know, there are assloads of guy questions here, but after a month of talking to my friends, I still haven't resolved my problem.
I got to know this guy quite well over the last two months, and I'm kind of interested in him but the thing is, I have no idea what he wants.
First of all, he finishes school in like a month, because it's his final year...
He has a super secret girlfriend who sees once about every two months, just because she's in university and her parents don't let her have a boyfriend.
Me and him flirt so much though, we talk every day, he kisses me on the cheek and at least once a week we go to get lunch together from the sandwich bar near school.
On Friday we went out to town together and we spent like five hours together, just talking and flirting.
All my friends have noticed this and are asking me if anything is going on...
The thing is that I have no idea what he's thinking, but I don't really want to ask him because it may make things awkward, for the last months that he's still here for, until he goes to uni in another country.
One thing I know though is that he's not a player, he was with his ex for a year and a half until she moved away, and I don't know much about his current girlfriend, because he never talks about her.
So what do you think he wants?
I was considering saying something like "We should stop this whole flirting thing because you have a girlfriend and I'm getting tempted" but I don't want to ruin our friendship...
I just need help, I'm so confused but I can't forget about him.
Thank you so much to anyone that answers.
The Answer
He has a girlfriend. Period.
So you SHOULD stop the excessive flirting, based on that alone. That fact is a very good reason to stop it.
This doesn't have to hurt the friendship if you are both mature about it, just be really friendly and clear.
Maybe try this:
"We flirt, and I like it, but you have a girlfriend and I feel like we do it a bit too much. I want to cool it a bit so things don't get confused and feelings hurt. That means no more pecks on the check and no more talk of kissing, not even drunk."
That's all you have to do. Label the behaviour, say you think it's not cool, and then tell him very exactly what you want to have happen or to stop happening.
It’s a tough thing to do. Especially if you have feelings for him as well, but it’s very important thing to do to let him know that you won’t play the role of the ‘other woman’ and to let him know the behaviour is not cool.
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The Question
There's this one boy and I'm crazy about him. I find him to be really sweet, funny and loving, with various other good qualities... most of the time. We met in person once and we've been talking on the phone, and writing back and forth for about 8 months.
Christmastime he got really mad at me for what seemed to be no reason. I would ask him what I did and why he was being so stand-offish towards me. He was going through a really hard time, he had no money in his bank account to see me, or buy me or anyone else a Christmas present.
In January I was really heartbroken and wrote him a letter of closure. He wrote me back saying that he still loved me and wanted me back in his life. So, we talked for like a week before he pushed me away again. He told me that he had feelings for another girl and was confused about how he felt about me. So, I “broke up” with him. He was going through a really hard time with having really bad dreams, one in which he killed me and another one in which his little sister got shot. Not to mention that he was almost diagnosed with lung cancer, from being a heavy smoker for 5 years and smoking a total of 10 years. His mom was also getting life-threatening surgery done.
On Valentines Day he sent me a message-in-a-bottle containing a poem, describing his true feelings for me, and rose petals. I thought that it was really sweet and romantic, so I text him saying “thank you!” He was like, “I wanted to let you know that I still love you, but nothing is changing.” However, we get back together that night after he called me.
Last Tuesday he got discharged from the army, he called me at the airport telling me how much he loved me and asked me to move to PA with him, he also told my mom that he wanted to see me but couldn't because he had a shattered wrist and ankle... so he wanted to find a way to see me. Then the next day, he breaks up with me, saying that he had sex with another girl and only had feelings for her and not for me.
During this time I find out that this so called girl doesn't exist. I thought something was weird because the story was always changing, so basically it was become a horrible lie. I think he's a really bad liar.
So, Thursday he texts me, after I text him telling him, “I'm sorry that you got discharged from the Army. You're going to do something great with your life anyway. You being in the service just wasn't part of God's plan.” He tells me that, that better have been the last text message that I ever send him. Then, he texts me and says, “Your right.” And I'm like, “About what?” He's like, “II didn't want to leave you, but I want to run away.” And I was like, “Where are you going to go?” And he was like, “I don't know, I'll make it up as go along.” And, it was just really weird.
Then he calls me, and I'm like, “You really scared me” He tells me, “Yeah, I like hurting people,” and I ask him, “Why?” He tells me, “Because people always hurt me,” And I tell him, “How did I hurt you?” And he's like, “By messing around with guys in hotel rooms.” He mentions how he hates everyone, not just me. Then, he tells me that he'll call me when he feels like it. I know that people have been mean to him, but I don't think that he hates anybody. I especially don't think that he hates me, but that might just be wishful thinking.
Here's why I say that, though, he helps people out. When my friend whose only 17 got pregnant he was there for her, mainly for me but he claims that my friends are also his friends. Right now, he's using the N-word to describe her. He always listens to me and confides in me when something difficult is going on in his life. And then, after he hurts me he regrets it.
Okay, when we were first talking, he told me that he was engaged. I really wanted to be with him, but I knew that I had to get over him. So, I gave head to two guys. One, I did out for mainly attraction purposes, and another one, I did basically because he reminded me of my guy.
I feel like he's finally telling me the truth, and that stuff is finally adding up. When I told him I felt really bad about it, and I realized that I hurt him really badly and he might be afraid of getting close to me because of that, like he thinks that I'm going to hurt him again. Every time I'm out of his life he does something to pull me back in. Could I be wrong? Or is my intuition telling me the truth?
My friend whose studying to be a psychology/counselor, which is kind of what I want to do too. Told me that it sounds like he's finally opening up to me and not to give up on him. My heart doesn't want to, even though he leaves me heartbroken a lot. I think that it's more like in this situation he wants to make me jealous, because of what I did. Is it possible that I'm right? Or, am I just overanalyzing?
What should I do? A lot of my friends and my family members are telling me to just give up that he sounds like a lost cause, that I'm never going to be able to have any guy friends and all this stuff, but I don't want to. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for giving up on him.
The Answer
He's not just 'also bi-polar', like it’s some sort of footnote...
He is seriously screwed up, confused, mentally unstable, judgemental, paranoid, shows lack of empathy and a total failure to recognize the effect his actions might have on other people.
He’s selfish. He is showing early signs of being emotionally abusive and controlling.
You are absolutely right that every time you get out of his life he does something to pull you back in. AND THAT IS A BAD, BAD THING. That is the beginning of a very destructive and painful pattern, and you are about to repeat all over again when you start to think that ‘maybe this time’ he’ll be better.
There is no reason to believe he will better this time, and many reasons to believe he won’t be. People who are bi-polar don’t just ‘get better’ over night. They just seem too for a short while. In a few weeks or months, you are dealing with the monster again unless there is serious medical intervention.
People who suffer from mental illness that intensely are ALWAYS going to be sorry for hurting you, but there is NO reason, NONE at all, to even imagine he won’t do it again, until he has spent a damn long time seeking professional help.
He will ALWAYS seem like he’s getting better, or getting suddenly WAY worse. Whatever he discovers will suck you back in, is what he will do.
It will ALWAYS seem like it might be your fault for not behaving perfectly, or for giving up on him. He will imply that it’s your fault that he can’t trust you, that he lies, that he does all sorts of nasty thing that he does. He might even just come right out and blame you for his bad behaviour, or some else! BUT IT WILL NEVER ACTUALLY BE YOUR FAULT.
His actions, will always be his fault. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse, and not a good reason for you to allow yourself to be abused.
He needs serious therapy and serious personal development before he will be anywhere even close to person who is capable of behaving in an acceptable and respectful way.
He can't be in a relationship with you. He shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone. He doesn't have that mental capacity right now. He will abuse anyone who lets him get away it. Nothing you’ve said here shows that he is capable of stopping.
He is sick. Very Sick. You can't save him. He needs serious professional help. Tell him so, and then never speak to him again. Because there is NO reason you need to be sick with him, or on the receiving end of his abuse. This is not ‘giving up on’ this is just refusing to go along for the ride. You can still have hope and respect for someone, and realize that you can’t help them and aren’t responsible for putting up with them.
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The Question
is it possible for two people to be together in the future if they see eachother once a month now?
The Answer
Yes.
It also possible technically possible that the world might end tommorrow.
It's entirely possible. However, the younger you are, the less likely it is.
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