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20 yo female needs advice concerning her husbands female friend
My problem is this, There is this woman that my husband went to high school with. They were supposedly really good friends, but nothing more. My guess is because she is over 6 feet tall, and my husband is less than 5 foot 5 inches, but I really don’t know. After my husband and I were dating for about 2 years, I found him and this woman sleeping in the same bed, and she was topless. She gave a half hearted excuse about how she was just drunk and it hurts for her to sleep with a shirt on because she has fake boobs. I don’t know if anything happened that night or not, and it’s because of that, and the love I had for my husband that I let it go. He lied to me about going to hang out with this girl sometime after that, and also took her along on his bachelor party, which I find inappropriate.
This girl flashed everyone at my wedding reception, hangs all over my husband, and is basically an attention whore. I wouldn’t mind him hanging out with her, if he would let me have some friends of the opposite sex. But the only male friend I have, he won’t let me hang out with because we used to hold hands back in elementary school.
I feel disrespected by my husband because he doesn’t care this makes me uncomfortable. When I try to bring up how this makes me feel, he turns it around and gets mad at me for "not trusting him" and swears she is just one of the guys. I think he does this to cover up his wrong doings.
Am I over reacting? Should I even try to talk about this with him? If so, what do I say, and how do I keep him from making me the bad guy in this? I can never come up with a good enough example for him to see where I am coming from. Any help is appreciated.
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He is definitely very controlling. If he is allowed female friends, then you are allowed male friends. He is your husband, your EQUAL, not your father or superior. I would suggest consoling if you want your relationship to work, but I would find out if your husband is even committed to your relationship. Counseling will do nothing, if he isn't committed to making everything turn around. It is very disrespectful what he is doing, and I can understand if you don't trust him one bit. I would just start going out with him, when he goes out. Tell him that, if you can't hang out with your guy friend, then he can't hang out with her unless you are there. If he accuses you of not trusting him, tell the truth, that you don't trust him. Everything needs to be out in the open so you can start repairing your relationship with him. You most definitely are not overreacting, and you should talk to him about this. If he comes up with excuses trying to make you the bad guy, then he is hiding something. You just need to find out how bad it is, and if the relationship is worth working out. I wish you the best of luck.
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Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
You are stuck in a long-held pattern, of him doing as he pleases and you only half-heartedly sticking up for yourself.
The likelihood of you being able to change that pattern without professional assistance is very, very slim.
If he won't go with you, go by yourself, and learn how to set a standard for how you willing to be treated, and how to enforce it.
You could start by not arguing or 'convincing'. Obviously that isn't working, it rarely does, and why would it? If ever arguement just ends with you resentfully giving in to whatever he wants and moping about it a bit, why on earth would anything change? Just start acting in your own interest. Your husband has every right to have his feelings heard and responded too (just as you do!) but he has no right to forbid you from socializing with someone. Set a date for a dinner or lunch with your old friend, inform your husband about it well in advance, calmly and respectfully listen to his unhappiness about it, address his fears openly, and then calmly and lovingly tell him you are going to go because you have chosen too, and needs to accept that.
This isn't about being spiteful or punishing him. It's very important you don't go to childish whining like "But you are allowed to it with HER!". It's not a game of who gets to do what, it's simply you, saying very calmly, that you would like to do something, that there is nothing wrong with doing it, and that you are going to do it. It's not about him. It is simply refusing to let his negativity cage you, and it is the first step in teaching him to use a different tactic when dealing with you.
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