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Is He Finally Opening Up To Me?
There's this one boy and I'm crazy about him. I find him to be really sweet, funny and loving, with various other good qualities... most of the time. We met in person once and we've been talking on the phone, and writing back and forth for about 8 months.
Christmastime he got really mad at me for what seemed to be no reason. I would ask him what I did and why he was being so stand-offish towards me. He was going through a really hard time, he had no money in his bank account to see me, or buy me or anyone else a Christmas present.
In January I was really heartbroken and wrote him a letter of closure. He wrote me back saying that he still loved me and wanted me back in his life. So, we talked for like a week before he pushed me away again. He told me that he had feelings for another girl and was confused about how he felt about me. So, I “broke up” with him. He was going through a really hard time with having really bad dreams, one in which he killed me and another one in which his little sister got shot. Not to mention that he was almost diagnosed with lung cancer, from being a heavy smoker for 5 years and smoking a total of 10 years. His mom was also getting life-threatening surgery done.
On Valentines Day he sent me a message-in-a-bottle containing a poem, describing his true feelings for me, and rose petals. I thought that it was really sweet and romantic, so I text him saying “thank you!” He was like, “I wanted to let you know that I still love you, but nothing is changing.” However, we get back together that night after he called me.
Last Tuesday he got discharged from the army, he called me at the airport telling me how much he loved me and asked me to move to PA with him, he also told my mom that he wanted to see me but couldn't because he had a shattered wrist and ankle... so he wanted to find a way to see me. Then the next day, he breaks up with me, saying that he had sex with another girl and only had feelings for her and not for me.
During this time I find out that this so called girl doesn't exist. I thought something was weird because the story was always changing, so basically it was become a horrible lie. I think he's a really bad liar.
So, Thursday he texts me, after I text him telling him, “I'm sorry that you got discharged from the Army. You're going to do something great with your life anyway. You being in the service just wasn't part of God's plan.” He tells me that, that better have been the last text message that I ever send him. Then, he texts me and says, “Your right.” And I'm like, “About what?” He's like, “II didn't want to leave you, but I want to run away.” And I was like, “Where are you going to go?” And he was like, “I don't know, I'll make it up as go along.” And, it was just really weird.
Then he calls me, and I'm like, “You really scared me” He tells me, “Yeah, I like hurting people,” and I ask him, “Why?” He tells me, “Because people always hurt me,” And I tell him, “How did I hurt you?” And he's like, “By messing around with guys in hotel rooms.” He mentions how he hates everyone, not just me. Then, he tells me that he'll call me when he feels like it. I know that people have been mean to him, but I don't think that he hates anybody. I especially don't think that he hates me, but that might just be wishful thinking.
Here's why I say that, though, he helps people out. When my friend whose only 17 got pregnant he was there for her, mainly for me but he claims that my friends are also his friends. Right now, he's using the N-word to describe her. He always listens to me and confides in me when something difficult is going on in his life. And then, after he hurts me he regrets it.
Okay, when we were first talking, he told me that he was engaged. I really wanted to be with him, but I knew that I had to get over him. So, I gave head to two guys. One, I did out for mainly attraction purposes, and another one, I did basically because he reminded me of my guy.
I feel like he's finally telling me the truth, and that stuff is finally adding up. When I told him I felt really bad about it, and I realized that I hurt him really badly and he might be afraid of getting close to me because of that, like he thinks that I'm going to hurt him again. Every time I'm out of his life he does something to pull me back in. Could I be wrong? Or is my intuition telling me the truth?
My friend whose studying to be a psychology/counselor, which is kind of what I want to do too. Told me that it sounds like he's finally opening up to me and not to give up on him. My heart doesn't want to, even though he leaves me heartbroken a lot. I think that it's more like in this situation he wants to make me jealous, because of what I did. Is it possible that I'm right? Or, am I just overanalyzing?
What should I do? A lot of my friends and my family members are telling me to just give up that he sounds like a lost cause, that I'm never going to be able to have any guy friends and all this stuff, but I don't want to. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for giving up on him.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Evaluate what you truly want in your life. Tell him what your standards and requirements are. If he can't live up to those standards and requirements then keep it moving ... You deserve to be treated better than you are getting!
My BIL is BI-POLAR and his marriage is full of heartbreak for him, his kids and wife. He has never been able to provide for them ... financially or emotionally. His family has often been on the brink of bankruptcy and living on the street. If you chose to pursue a relationship with this person, you need to really educate yourself so that you go into it with your eyes wide open.
DON'T put your future happiness in jeopardy over your sympathy for his situation. Go through the pain now of breaking it off, and save yourself and people you love (parents, possible future children) a lifetime of pain later.
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Didn't you ask a question about this guy and this same situation before? Isn't he also sucidal?
Anyways, it seems like he really does need a friend or someone to lean on. But you are not responsible to save him. Move on. He is pushing you away, lying about his relationships with other girls, and he's even engaged (if he isn't lying). You deserve a stable relationship. Although I think it would be great if you still kept in contact with him. You obviously care about him so you should make sure he is okay every once in a while.
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He's not just 'also bi-polar', like it’s some sort of footnote...
He is seriously screwed up, confused, mentally unstable, judgemental, paranoid, shows lack of empathy and a total failure to recognize the effect his actions might have on other people.
He’s selfish. He is showing early signs of being emotionally abusive and controlling.
You are absolutely right that every time you get out of his life he does something to pull you back in. AND THAT IS A BAD, BAD THING. That is the beginning of a very destructive and painful pattern, and you are about to repeat all over again when you start to think that ‘maybe this time’ he’ll be better.
There is no reason to believe he will better this time, and many reasons to believe he won’t be. People who are bi-polar don’t just ‘get better’ over night. They just seem too for a short while. In a few weeks or months, you are dealing with the monster again unless there is serious medical intervention.
People who suffer from mental illness that intensely are ALWAYS going to be sorry for hurting you, but there is NO reason, NONE at all, to even imagine he won’t do it again, until he has spent a damn long time seeking professional help.
He will ALWAYS seem like he’s getting better, or getting suddenly WAY worse. Whatever he discovers will suck you back in, is what he will do.
It will ALWAYS seem like it might be your fault for not behaving perfectly, or for giving up on him. He will imply that it’s your fault that he can’t trust you, that he lies, that he does all sorts of nasty thing that he does. He might even just come right out and blame you for his bad behaviour, or some else! BUT IT WILL NEVER ACTUALLY BE YOUR FAULT.
His actions, will always be his fault. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse, and not a good reason for you to allow yourself to be abused.
He needs serious therapy and serious personal development before he will be anywhere even close to person who is capable of behaving in an acceptable and respectful way.
He can't be in a relationship with you. He shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone. He doesn't have that mental capacity right now. He will abuse anyone who lets him get away it. Nothing you’ve said here shows that he is capable of stopping.
He is sick. Very Sick. You can't save him. He needs serious professional help. Tell him so, and then never speak to him again. Because there is NO reason you need to be sick with him, or on the receiving end of his abuse. This is not ‘giving up on’ this is just refusing to go along for the ride. You can still have hope and respect for someone, and realize that you can’t help them and aren’t responsible for putting up with them.
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