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Generic Sex Question
When did sex become so bad? I get that teenagers shouldn't just sleep around and pregnancy & STDs are a problem. But why do parents go to great lengths to make their teens feel guilty about wanting and/or having sex? If its so natural and if everyone feels the need at some point, shouldn't it be talked about more openly and embraced in a better manner?
I'm 16, thinking about having sex for the first time, but I keep finding notes from my parents saying, "Absolutely no sex. Wait until your married."
I'm not religious, but I'm not a bad person. (All A's, no drinking or drugs) So why do my parents make me feel awful for even thinking about it?
Ugh. Thanks.
I just want opinions and how other people's parents react.
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well like you said most parents are afraid their children will get pregnant or catch something. my mother doesnt want me sleeping around but if i told her i was or had sex then she would be understanding about it. i would talk to your parents (or just your mother. sex talks arent realy the best things for fauthers.) and tell her that if you think your ready before marrige then you will have sex. i mean i wouldnt get cocky about it but just tell her how she/they make you feel about sex. and it is nautural, there for if you think your ready then go for it. any other questions just ask.
-Tamera.
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Alright. Lecture incoming. I'll try to keep it an interesting read.
Opening disclaimer: I believe in sex before marriage. I think that sex approached in an adult manner strengthens relationships, and I think that its important for people to know they're sexually compatible before they commit to life together. I think everyone has the right to choose that themselves, and I don't look down on waiting, its simply not something I'd choose.
On with the show!
Your parents are afraid for you. I'm going to divide it up.
STDs
Yes, Your parents are afraid of the problems with STDs possible. Because even if you take ridiculous precautions, something can always go wrong. They're prefer complete prevention, and knowing their daughter isn't having sex is a bonus.
Relationships
Its a well known fact that sex complicates things. Sex opens your relationship up to alot more fighting, alot more resentment, and alot of things that you have to be very adult to manage.
I agree that immature teens should avoid sex for this reason, often times teens will have sex but aren't adult enough to understand or control the things it brings up in their heads.
Guys
Guys are wired to want sex, and during puberty to want it alot. It is a powerful enough urge to make guys want to do whatever they can to get laid.
To compound this, guys usually aren't as mature as girls in certain areas during the teen years. Specifically, the areas that make a person a decent relationship partner. Guys don't know and aren't thinking about maintaining a relationship, they just want to be liked and get laid.
Often times, a guy who will be perfectly datable later isn't when he's 16 to 18.
Pregnancy
This is a perfectly valid worry.
Pregnancy brings up tons of issues. First is the abortion question, and even if you are staunchly against it you'll ask yourself if you could do it at least once, and that won't be a fun self discussion.
Not having the kid brings issues. Having the kid brings others. Adoption can be pretty hard on people, and having the kid and keeping him or her yourself can really fuck up both your life and the kid's lives.
You'll realize the truth of this once you've moved out, but you pick up ALOT from your parents. Habits, mentalities, senses of normalcy, even conscious and subconscious reactions to things. Its very important for parents to set an example for their children of what a normal well adjusted adult is. Or as close as they can get.
A child with a 16-18 year old mother doesn't have much of a role model. You aren't a fully formed person at that age, you haven't learned nearly enough about life to be able to be a living example, and worst of all you can't take care of yourself yet, much less a kid. Its important for kids to have examples of self reliance and self support to learn from, and a teenaged mother can't do it on her own or with a young father.
Basically, you screw the kid because you aren't prepared to provide a life and an example for them yourself. And you screw yourself because its really hard to improve yourself when you're trying to teach a kid how to behave.
Religion
Religion has made a significant effort for a LONG time, think more than two millennia long time, to demonize sex.
Its something thats relatively universal. Think about it. Sex is a natural urge. Its something everyone wants, even feels a need for.
Now, one of the common threads religions use is that you find forgiveness in the religion. Somehow, by being a part of this religion, your wrongs are forgiven.
How do you make sure that everyone feels like a sinner, like they're doing or wanting something wrong?
You tell them their natural urge is evil and dirty.
You have a good attitude about sex. Healthy and mature for your age. Sex isn't bad, it isn't dirty, and its not something that should be shunned and treated as something you do in private and don't talk about.
As far as your parents, for the reasons stated above they are worried about you having sex. Be intelligent, use protection, you've probably heard it all before but its worth stressing the importance of planning your life and following your plan. If kids aren't in your plan, be on birth control and use a raincoat.
Embrace what you want to embrace, but don't be surprised when others aren't as accepting of the world they live in. Denial is the most predictable of human responses, and people tend to label that which they are not comfy with as "bad"
Just recognize this, you seem capable of making your own analysis. Seek out like minded individuals.
I come from a catholic family. My parents had separate bedrooms and such for a good part of while I lived there and for sure after I moved out.
My girlfriend and I are very open about sex, we talk about fantasies alot, and sex is an open topic between us. We explore new things as a couple and in general sex is something that has brought us alot closer. Its also still electric after 4 years. Its getting better.
Thats the difference an open perspective makes.
My only real question here is how much you and your boy have talked about sex. Openly, honestly, non-judgmentally, about what you both want, think you need, etc?
Regardless of your answer, theres always room for more discussion.
Plus its fun to talk to your sig other about sex =p
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As a fellow 16 year old girl, I have to completely agree with you. My parents are the same way. My mother was a virgin until she got married. I happen to know, however, that my dad cannot say the same of himself. But they both desperately want me to stay a virgin. I understand why they do it; they've seen many girls my age get pregnant and have heard of STDs so it makes sense that they want their own children to stay away from that.
I, however, do not side with them. I think that sex is a beautiful thing and if done with someone you care about, then it is most definitely not wrong. I remember growing up my whole life thinking that sex was something forbidden and intimidating. It even grossed me out at one point in time because people made it seem like it was something so horrible. But how can it be? IT is perfectly natural. WE were built to desire sex and why should we repress our desires?
In recent months my boyfriend and I have gotten really close in terms of our friendship and mutual trust for one another. I am still a virgin, but we have gotten close to having sex and all I can say is that I know that I am ready for it. I have struggled to separate myself from the guilt of opposing my parents, but have come to the conclusion that I am most definitely not a bad daughter. I am not a bad person, actually I would say that I try my best at everything I do and I respect all people and living things. I am Buddhist and have never heard anything that opposes sex in my religion. And I have all A's and no drugs/alcohol as well. So no matter what anyone says to me, I am completely pro individual thought and decision making. Just strap on a condom and make sure neither party has STDs and you'll be fine. But don't listen to me, listen to your own mind. No one can live your life so it is up to you to choose what will make you happy in life.
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This is not a new thing.
Guilt and fear has been associated with sex for millenniums.
Go back only one hundred years and you’ll discover most young women were told NOTHING about menstruation until it actually started. People genuinely believed that it was better to live in complete ignorance, and have a few minutes or hours of fearing for your life, then it was to give a young person even the most basic information about the sexual functioning of the body.
Your parents have embraced a tradition and set of values that have permeated western thinking since long before there was a concept of ‘western thinking’.
Here is what you need to accept as a rational young person:
One: No one can make you feel guilty without your permission. People don’t have that power over you unless you give it to them. Obviously, we always want people want for us what we want for ourselves, but that simply isn’t the way the world works. When dealing with a differing opinion from the people you love you need to respect their opinion, and be certain of yours. If you ARE experiencing a lot of guilt around this, I humbly suggest you are not yet certain enough in your decision to go through with it.
Two: Your parent’s values and concerns are real and just. You might not like the way they are communicating them. You might not like the way their opinions make you feel. You might not agree with their opinions either. HOWEVER, their opinions are their own, and they are entitled to them.
Your argument that ‘Wouldn’t it be better/more effective if they did…’ might be totally true, but if that isn’t what their values motivate them to do then that isn’t what is going to happen. Although I agree with you it would be better by and large for parents to focus on safe sex education rather then the message of abstinence, many people believe that abstinence is the only ‘safe sex’ and that perspective has merit and validity, even I if disagree.
It’s as unlikely you will change their minds, as it is they will change yours. This isn’t about making the other person see it your ways, agree with you, and communicate the way you want too, this is about learning to live with different, but equally valid, beliefs.
This is the beginning of many lessons you will learn in life, where the people who you are close too don’t necessarily agree with your choices. Focusing on ‘changing them’ and making them behave better or how they ‘make’ you feel is self-defeating and immature. You can’t control them, and they can’t control you. Focusing on being confident in your own choices and respectful of different values is what will see you through, keep the relationships strong and loving, and likely win you some of their support and respect, even when the disagree with your actions.
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Sex in itself is not "bad". I think it takes a certain maturity level for people to have sex that teens lack, just by nature of their age. Every time you have sex you not only risk the STDs you mention but you also risk pregnancy. No parent would wish that outcome on their teenager. Teens are not able to support a family on their own. Most parents of teens have been there done that and do not want to raise both a teen and that teens offspring. They want to retire someday and not start the whole process of raising a child again.
I think sex should be talked about more openly between parents and children. I think a lot of parents, and probably teens as well, are embarrassed to talk about sex with each other.
I believe the lack of talking is probably the biggest reason teen pregnancy has always been a problem. If parents are not open enough to speak about sex, and teens are afraid to bring it up, proper ways to protect against pregnancy and STDs
do not get talked about. You are absolutely right,
it needs to be talked about more openly in families.
If your parents are leaving you those kinds of notes, perhaps you need to leave one of your own.
Leave a note with one word on it. Why?
I was very honest with my daughter. I didn't say wait until your married. I did tell her not to have sex with any guy that she WOULN'T marry should she get pregnant, or with any guy who wouldn't marry her if she did. I am still old fashioned enough to believe parents belong together. :) You know, it worked for us. That simple rule made her wait for that right guy.
She actually gave thought to it instead of sleeping with every guy who came along. I didn't
say "don't do it". I gave her some guidelines instead. Sex isn't wrong, it just needs rules.
So, as a parent, I think the simple answer to your question is fear. I don't think they intend to make you feel bad. They just don't want you to make a mistake you can't take back.
If they won't talk to you, sit them down and make them listen to you. That first step is really hard for a lot of parents and teens. Once its done though it will get easier. :)
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I'm 18, and never bothered to discuss sex with my parents; especially not my father. I didn't see him as someone I could look to at the time because he wasn't around though he was living with me. I never went to my mother because she jokes too much & sex is serious. AND knowing her, she'd make it awkward, uncomfortable & embarassing.
She knew I was having sex though. I think my mother was cool about it. Me and my father have never talked about it to this day & I lost my virginity a month before I turned 16.
It isn't a bad thing, and it certainly is natural. I think your parents just care about your well-being. Sex is an adult thing & brings on a ton of emotions that kids that age cannot handle. I knew I couldn't but thinking about it now, I do not regret my decision though it certainly did make me grow up a lot quicker.
Your parents just care about you & want you to wait until you can handle it. It's not to make you feel guilty. If you talk to them about it, I'm sure they'll be telling you a similar thing to what I am telling you now.
I hope this helps.
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Some parents don't know how to talk about the 'S' word with their kids. I've always hated the "because I said so" response which sounds like what your parents are doing. Give them a break, they're only human and unfortunately some parents just can't handle talking about it with their kids. Believe me, there are millions of parents just like yours who just can't talk about it so they use other tactics. Sex isn't a bad thing, however, it does come with responsiblities and ultimately it will be your choice to make. Thinking about sex, being curious about it certainly doesn't make you a bad person, you sound like a great teen. But having sex should not be about 'the need', then it becomes just a primal act. When you have sex for the first time, it should be with someone special, someone you love and who loves you and cares about you.
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This is very much a cultural thing. In the nordic countries for example, the relationship to sex is a lot more open. Virtually no one here (I live in Denmark) expects their children to wait until they are married. Parents and their children also have a far more relaxed attitude to sex.
Now, in my opinion this difference stems largely from religion and its influence on culture. This is pure speculation, but the US tends to be a lot more hard-line and generally influenced by religion than quite a few other Western countries. I remember noticing this specifically when I lived there. You even see religion and God mixed in with political discussions/ issues, which again is something that you would not see in many European countries.
Personally I agree with you that it should be talked about more openly. I see no logical reason at all as to why sex has to carry this stigma, and in all honesty I do not think this whole "preach abstinence" thing is really working very well. Instead you have a lot of uneducated kids having sex and being unable to talk about it.
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Sex is not "bad", but it does carry with it an enormous responsibility. There are the risks of pregnancy and disease and social stigma. Because of the social stigma that is attached to carefree sex, there is a guarantee that there will be gossip about the girl who says "yes", and it won't be positive. Back in the day, people in general had higher standards. Women cared a great deal about their reputations. They didn't want to be viewed as 'easy'. Once that happens, I don't care who tells you otherwise, people will look down on you.
Reputation aside, if you start having sex now, at such an early age, believe me, you will have many, many partners by the time your ready to get married. By that time, what will you think of yourself for taking the most intimate part of you and just spreading it around town?
Your parents make you feel awful for thinking about it simply because they don't want you to venture into such relationships until you are married, I'm sure. I can't blame them. The sex act should be reserved for the man that comes into your life and makes a lifelong commitment to you. The end result is children, who you will, in turn, make feel awful for even thinking about it.
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