A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Last Update: April 13, 2014
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im 18 and a girl. i hate feeling horny almost everyday. if i do this will the feelings go away? i hope so cause i dont need to feel horny as i cant see myself in a relationship for years. at least 5-10 years. so theres no reason for me to be horny. i feel so dissapointed with myself every time i cave into the urge.. like once every 1-2 days. but if going cold turkey for a month will solve it i'll commit to it (link)
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It will make it worse.
Hormones happen. And "I can't see myself in a relationship for 5-10 years" is really you saying "it's scary and I don't want to go near it"
You will regret not getting into any form of relationship until you are 23 because it's scary new territory. I have no idea why you feel disappointed in yourself. That's not natural. Maybe you should examine your perspectives instead of trying to find any way you can to stop having natural and normal urges.
Aka go get laid or something, jesus.
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First of all, thanks for taking the time to read through this. I'll just get straight to the point. I'm a 24 (almost 25) year-old guy, and I have a roommate who's 19. We met at work, and are great friends. When I met his family, I felt a pretty strong emotional pull towards his sister. After a while, I realized I was pretty strongly attracted to her, and so far it seems like the feeling is mutual, though I've not actually asked her about it yet.
Without going through too much backstory, I found out during that time of growing attraction that she's actually sixteen, rather than the 17, close to 18 that I thought. Now, I'm really wanting to do the right thing here, not to mention without landing myself in jail, but my problem is that I've always fallen hard and fast when it comes to matters of the heart, and I'm in a bit of a pickle... I've talked to my roommate, and he's alright with the idea, but I really need some advice as to how to approach this. My gut says to tell her, and stay friends for the next year and a half, but I could really use your advice on this. Also there's the little question of talking to her mom about it...
P.S. In case it's relevant, I live in Arizona. (link)
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Don't make this mistake.
They covered the legal. Here are the other problems.
She's 16. She's not anywhere near where you are in knowing herself. At 24, you have had alot of time to be an adult independent of anyone else, to form your own identity, and to refine yourself into a person you like. At 16, she's barely begun that process and won't really get into it until she's been an independent adult to some degree for a while.
Which means that getting into a relationship with you is going to force her to grow up in ways that make her compatible with an adult relationship with you. Maybe she'll want that at some point, in which case hit on her when she's legal and be friends until then. Maybe not, so don't make it her problem right now because a 16 year old is going to be star struck by a guy your age.
People have to grow up independently of their partners before they're actually ready for a real partner. That's what you're probably ready for. She isn't. If she's got a nice, normal family, she's not on that schedule. The people who are exceptions to the age rule are all people who are naturally placed far outside human norms. People of near genius or genius level IQ who have trouble relating to their peers and are forced to grow up fast. People who have suffered abuse who are forced into the same. People who choose or get sent down life paths that deviate from the standard, normal, and accepted as healthy ways that the average person follows in a process of growing up and maturing.
She needs time. I wouldn't really consider anything until she's in her 20s. Go date people closer to your own age, people who can be ready for what you are ready for. You really like this girl? Give her time to find herself and see if you still like her when she's had the space to figure out for herself who she is and wants to be on adult terms.
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Some time back, i asked you guys what to do about my sick and stupid fantasy of having sex with my aunt who is 31 years old and extremely beautiful.I was then 13 years old, i am now 14 years old and i still want to have sex with my aunt. I feel so dirty because she is my blood related aunt. I am scared to confront her because i am scared of the repercussions but i can not continue like this because every time i see her, i feel like raping her . Someone please help me!!!!!!! (link)
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Ugh.
You know, I don't even care about the incest part of this at this point. Your attitude towards women in general is far worse.
Every time you see her you feel like raping her? What the fuck is wrong with you kid? What makes you think that's an acceptable sentiment to have in your own head, much less to say to other people in public?
Do your friends think that's cool? Do you sit around like a bunch of ignorant virgins and talk about how this or that girl is someone you'd totally rape if you could? Do you think it's fun to refer to women as objects who exist only for you to admire and fuck?
I get that you're a kid and you've probably been taught this is ok, but at 14 there really is no excuse. You've existed in a world with enough counter messages for you to pick up on the fact that rape is not fucking funny, it's not a cool way of expressing your attraction to someone, that in fact it makes you creepy as all fucking hell. It makes you pathetic, childish, disturbing, and disgusting.
And I'm a guy in his late 20s, just so you know. I'm double your age, I have kids, and if the one I have on the way is a daughter I plan to teach her to look at guys like you with utter disgust, to look at you as worthless and people to be avoided.
On the incest part, grow the fuck up. Keep your desires to yourself and try to get through your head that your aunt is not some perfect sex object but a person who deserves better from you than stupid sexual desire. Masturbate more, go watch some porn, replace your aunt with some other sexual fantasy by force of will. You start thinking about your aunt, you force yourself down another desirable path of thought. Find another fantasy that appeals to you and use that to shove your aunt out of your mind. Do this for as long as it takes to grow up and not have to deal with these feelings. If it takes a damn decade, keep at it and don't whine or feel sorry for yourself when it's hard. Plenty of people have difficult challenges when it comes to sex and their own lives and this one is minor by comparison to most.
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Hi,
I am a 19 year old male who just moved out of my house to start college. I live alone and lately I've just been feeling kinda lonely and sad. For some reason I just feel the need for a companion, a girl, just somebody. Whenever I see people at school who are really happy I just feel like I need that and want a girl to love me. I don't know. Like when I'm at home, I just feel so bored and apathetic, like nothing to look forward to. (link)
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You're suffering from depression and you're fixating on romance as a way to fix it. You need to address the problem and get more of a life. Part of depression is being stuck in some kind of rut. Break up your rut. Worry less about a girlfriend and more about friends. Find like minded people at some kind of social gathering and find some people you can go visit or have over to hang out. Work on a girlfriend after you're feeling better. If this persists for more than a month after this and you can't stop feeling apathetic go talk to a counselor. Depression is a real thing that gets worse if left alone to it's own devices.
And it sucks ass, so take active steps to fix the problem.
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I'm a thirteen year old (nerdy) girl, and it's been pointed out to me that thinking nerdy boys are cute is atypical. I simply don't find what people would consider "normal" boys my age attractive. I think nerdy boys are very cute, especially boys with glasses (I've also been told this is odd), and I've never had a crush on anyone who isn't as smart or smarter than I am (I realize this may seem somewhat rude, as that's saying I think myself to be very intelligent, which I do not- just somewhat competent). What do you think? Is this weird? I never thought of as being so, just not the dominant opinion. (link)
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There is no such thing as normal. There is only average. Yes, the average thing to do that average people of average intelligence do is to look at whatever guys people around them tell them to like.
You like nerdy guys? Date nerdy guys. You're far more likely to find an actual relationship with a guy who cares about you in a guy with similar interests and intelligence level than you are among the guys that the average girl your age thinks is hot.
Don't lord your intelligence over other people, but there's nothing rude about privately (and an anonymous question on the internet counts as privately) acknowledging that there are factual differences between you and many of the people around you. Some of us are far above the average IQ, and we do things differently than most. There's nothing wrong with that.
You're going to find more and more as you get older that the things that people who consider themselves "normal" do don't really make a whole lot of sense to you, or make sense but not in a way that makes those things right for you. Go your own way and don't look back. Sure, it'll be rocky. You don't have too many other people around you can ask for advice who will be able to understand your perspective on life.
But when you're in your 20s and you've finally really started to figure yourself out on your own terms, you'll be happy as hell you set out on roads not traveled by others and found your own way to being yourself.
Also, teenaged boys are all works in progress. The nerdy ones definitely get less attention, but they've got a much greater capacity for improvement than most. You can teach a nerdy guy to work out a little, dress well, and be sociable. You can't teach a dumb guy with a great body to be more intelligent.
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Hi, im 15/f
I have never had a boyfriend, kissed anyone, or done anything. I'm a normal sophomore girl I just haven't wanted a boyfriend until now and it's getting crazy. I feel like it's my hormones because I get weird feelings.. But now most of the day I'm daydreaming of having a boyfriend and kissing, snuggling and all that. i also don't find blow jobs gross like I would give one to him after a while. But I do find sex terrifying and I wouldn't have that though. No guy has come into my life yet, and i just want him to already. (link)
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Yeah that's hormones.
Once you really get into puberty, your sex drive starts actually going. The bad part about this is that during puberty, your sex drive is subject to random hormone spikes. You're just going about your day, and then something sets you off and you can't think of anything else.
The good news on that front is that eventually the spikes even out. You'll still have a sex drive, maybe it'll still be intense, but it'll be intense in fairly predictable ways. Plus, the longer you spend dealing with it the more you get used to managing it.
Nothing wrong with not finding blowjobs gross, in fact once you are sexually active your complete lack of aversion to the idea will be a plus in any sexual relationship. Sex won't be scary once you've had it.
At some point you'll find a guy. I suggest finding a long term relationship. Make him wait a while for sexual activity, even if it's difficult on your end. Teenaged guys are notorious for just wanting sex because they're too stupid and insecure to manage anything remotely mature and stable emotionally. You gotta pick one out of the group who can be respectful and let sex happen on your schedule without issuing ultimatums. Any guy who tries "if you love me you will" or any kind of "if you do this I'll love you forever" or some shit isn't worth your time.
Be assertive. There's nothing wrong with getting angry at a guy who pressures you about sex. Nothing wrong with you telling a guy "you're being a douchebag, and if you don't grow the fuck up and treat me with respect as a person with every right to figure sex out on my own timetable you can walk right out the door" or something similar.
Also, masturbate. Feel free to look at porn. Whether your parents or anyone else thinks it's ok or not. There are plenty of ways to hide it if it wouldn't be ok in your house. If you have your own computer, get firefox and google private browsing. Masturbation will help with the urges, it's easier to stay sane if you're having regular orgasms of your own, plus it helps you get to know your own body so that someday you can help someone else get to know it later.
Last, a word for the future. The whole "I don't think that's gross at all" thing is a great way to be. When you have sex, it can be sweaty and messy. Women get wet, guys have precum and cum, and there's nothing wrong with any of it. It's all just a natural part of what's going on.
Not being grossed out by any of it means you'll have fewer hangups when you get to sexual activity, which means sex will be more fun for you than it ever can be for people who have issues with "that's gross!"
For some people, the mess is part of the fun. If you don't need a shower after sex, you did something wrong.
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I'm 7 months pregnant and my husband keeps joking that I'm fat and I need to loose weight. I gained weight in my face. I was skinny before I was pregnant & I know I won't be skinny after I give birth. But he keeps calling me fat it really hurts my feelings because I feel like he thinks I am disgusting. What should I do? (link)
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Quietly and calmly tell him to shut the fuck up the next time he does it.
Tell him that saying things like that is hard to deal with because you have gained weight and you feel insecure, and every time he says it he puts you under stress you do not need, and stress is bad for the baby.
If he blows you off, ask him how he'd feel if you started joking that you've always felt like his dick was just a little too small.
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OK, so I have this boyfriend. Long distance relationship. I genuinely love him. He went to his job today for the first time since we got together. And I'm really worried. Because he works at Hot Topic, and you know how all the insanely flawless girls go there. Any girl can fall in love with him. So what if he leaves me for another girl? I mean, I don't think he'd do that since he keeps telling me to promise him that I'll never leave him and that he'll never leave me. But I'm still worried if he'll leave me for a much prettier girl though. I keep worrying about it because I know he can get absolutely any girl he wants, because he's just so perfect. If I ever lost him to another girl, I'd self-harm big time. (If you say I'm crazy, you obviously don't know how I feel about him.)
How can I stop feeling this way? (link)
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There is no answer you're going to listen to that is actually correct. You can't stop feeling this way, you're a teenager (god I hope you're still young enough to be a teenager) in a shallow long distance relationship.
So, when this does inevitably blow up in your face, remember a few things.
1) You never really knew this guy.
2) Long distance relationships only work between adults who can choose to move to make it a normal relationship.
3) Self harm in order to prove to yourself or anyone else how much you really cared is a stupid teenaged drama queen thing to do and you need to grow the fuck up and get over things like breakups.
4) You haven't got a clue what love is.
5) No one is perfect and you will never have a good relationship with any guy if you think he is.
6) Being insecure is a good way to lose someone, don't do it next time.
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Hi. I am 26 and I have a 26 year old Muslim boyfriend. When I first met my boyfriend, he wasn't a muslim yet. Last year he decided to become a Muslim, and he became really devoted to his religion. I'm a Christian. At first he told me he wouldn't push me to convert as a muslim. But these past few months, we are always arguing about our faith. He doesn't respect my faith and being so discriminating towards other religion. I told him I respect his faith but I don't want to talk about it anymore cause I don't want to argue. But he wouldn't stop. And tonight he told me that he will give me time to think about converting. I told him not to expect cause I'm really not going to change my religion. He said it will not work abd broke up with me.
I tried to understand this guy so much but I feel disrespected. Please help. I don't want our daughter to grow up without a father. Am I still going to accept him when he comes back to me? I'm sick of tired of arguing about our faith. I accepted him the day he told me he wants to be a Muslim but why can't he respect my faith? I was born as a Christian and I want to stay as a Christian forever. He told me too that he's not going to marry me if it's not in an Islamic way. Don't know what to do. :'(
Thank you for all your answers (link)
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Let him go. The relationship is screwed, and you'll be better off refocusing on building a life without him. Your kid didn't lose their father, you're just not together anymore.
Be civil, tell him you understand why it wasn't working and you want to stay broken up and be friends and raise the kid as parents who are not in a romantic relationship with him. Give him and yourself time and space, do not hang out or anything for at least 6 months, do not interact unless it's about the kid, and after half a year see if you can both be adults about not being together and having a kid.
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Okay so first off we're both adults, have been together a long time and live together, I'm just noting that to give some sort of perspective since there are so many young girls on this site talking about sex.
Usually my boyfriend wants to have sex every three days or so. It's been a week now and he hasn't even tried to have sex with me and I almost feel guilty and bad about it.
Last time we had sex it was bad for me because it hurt so much and he knows it. This might sound selfish or inconsiderate but it's him who's making it bad.
I'm a very petite girl (under 5FT and 78 pounds) and he's tall and fit so naturally he's "large" physically (in the obvious department). I try my hardest to please him in every way in bed and do whatever he asks me to do or at least try it.
The problem is he refuses to use lubricant because he doesn't think I should need it.
So basically he tries to fit something that's already too big for me in without enough moisture which is horrible.
I bleed almost every time and sometimes it hurts so bad I have to really try hard not to cry.
The other problem is that he gets turned on very quickly and I don't. He'll kiss my neck once and then expect me to want to have sex when I'm just not ready and of course that makes it hurt too.
The worst part is he asks me why it's bad for me like he wants to fix it and I tell him why but it just keeps going back to the same problems.
This week has been kind of weird. It seems like he's really just not trying at all or he will do something sexual and then just not continue.
What I mean is like last night I was on the couch and he grabbed my breast and then kissed my neck twice and I started kissing him back and then he just stopped and we watched a movie and then went to bed.
It's been like that all week and it's very irritating to me to the point it's making me angry. The day before yesterday he carried me to the bedroom and we started kissing and after maybe 30 seconds he asked me if I was ready and I told him not yet and then he just gave up and walked away to go play video games.
Like he's really not even trying to turn me on he just expects one boob grab to make me aroused enough to have sex.
Half of me feels horrible because I feel like he's scared now to have sex with me and I feel like it's my fault that I can't just make myself aroused in .03 seconds.
What should I do?
I feel like talking about it is going to be awkward and it's going to just make me feel worse.
(link)
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Read dragonfly's answer several times. I'm not going to take the time to just repeat what was posted there ad nauseum.
I will emphasize something though. Refusing to use lube "because you shouldn't need it" is horrifyingly ignorant and selfish. Bleeding and crying during sex because he won't use enough is...
That is not ok. That is something you should be outraged about. I'm kind of outraged from reading it. I know you love him, but good fucking God that's terrible. He deserves to get kicked in the nuts a few times for that.
And I'm a guy, so when I advocate nut-kicking, it's serious.
He wants you to be what he wants in bed. He is too fucking stupid to understand that you can't be because what he wants is entirely self centered and unrealistic.
DUMP HIM. From what you just described, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt there are other things in your relationship that are equally unacceptable which you overlook because you love him or don't know any better. Not trying to be condescending, even adults can be in bad relationships and not know that it should be better. What he is doing is borderline abusive. It's emotionally and physically neglectful.
Do not ALLOW him to have sex with you without lube. Do not ALLOW him to penetrate you without adequate foreplay. If he walks away entirely, that tells you where you rank on his priority list and at least you might not have to do the dumping. If he forces the issue, it becomes physical abuse and potentially rape.
Your boyfriend is a selfish piece of shit who needs to have his failings explained to him in angry and disparaging detail in the context of a breakup. Continue dating him at your own peril.
My ex wife was small and I am thick. We used lube liberally to prevent the problems you're having. There were times when after a long session of sex she wouldn't be able to for a few days while she recovered. But in the moment, she enjoyed the hell out of it, because I made sure I did what was necessary to make that happen.
Do not date a guy who does not do that for you. Sex like that should be a dealbreaker. Instant dealbreaker.
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My boyfriend is from another country and he is muslim. We have been dating for about 7 months now. He buys me lots of nice things (for no reason) constantly, and he is very sweet. He's always doing and saying nice things to me. He always goes out of his way, and meets my "demands" with things. haha I really care about him a lot.
The problem, is that he won't tell his parents about me. He says that they will think he is marrying me, and that he is never coming home. I think that is stupid, why can't he just tell him we are just dating? He said they won't understand and he wants to be sure that we are getting married first. Also, because of this he won't post pictures of me on facebook. (he doesn't have any pictures of any girl on his facebook) I asked why can't you just say I'm like a friend from class? & he says I don't understand, & they will wonder why out of nowhere he's put a picture up when hes never done it before..
I don't know, I understand it to an extent. I understand that if he tells his parents, they will think he is never coming home.
All of his friends here know about me, they've seen me, etc. I don't think he is cheating on me. He constantly gives me his phone to use & sends texts in front of me, etc. & I'm with him like all day, every day. He will even send facebook messages in front of me, etc.. I'm really not worried about that. I'd realy like some opinions from people who know about this culture, etc. Because i'm just having a hard time understanding! (link)
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The dating thing is a serious cultural issue. Families and marriage work differently, especially in Muslim countries. He isn't going to tell them, really he can't. It's difficult to explain this to someone who's never lived in that culture who hasn't read about it extensively and known people who have lived in that culture who will talk freely about it.
I recommend dumping him for different reasons than Rahzie. If he is refusing to show his parents you even exist after 7 months he comes from a culture that takes marriage seriously and has certain very firm expectations for a woman's role which will be unfamiliar and unwelcome.
As she said, it's not that he's a bad person. It's that he comes from an entirely different culture than you do. Right now he is assimilating to our culture, living by our norms. If marriage comes up, there's something like a 90% chance he will expect you to move to his country with him, and when you do he will expect you to assimilate to his cultural norms.
You need to do a few things if you want this relationship to continue past this point. You need to bring up permanence and where he thinks this relationship is going. If he just likes spending time with you, perhaps sleeping with you, and is having fun dating you, that might be fine with you. It might not. He might just be enjoying the American dating scene, he might seriously be thinking about marriage.
The conversation needs to happen. And you need to make it absolutely clear that under no circumstances are you leaving your country. This is in your best interest, no matter how much you love him you aren't going to love his culture. If you think sexism can be bad in Western culture, you have no idea how bad it can be wherever he is from. If he's from a country where he's not showing his parents he's dating because of the marriage implications, especially if he expects that if you marry him you'd be returning with him to his country, it's not a culture you want to be involved in.
I will repeat that just to be sure. DO NOT MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR THIS GUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The laws are different, and you do not want to end up unhappy in a marriage in another country where you cannot legally divorce him and cannot leave the country without his consent.
This is a serious conversation that needs to happen. Is he fine with staying in your country with you? If not, are you both fine with this relationship being something fun for now which will end later on when he has to move back or whatever? There's nothing wrong with that second option, you're 18 and if this guy isn't the last guy you'll ever date that doesn't mean you have to dump him right away.
But you need to figure out where his head is and where yours is. It's been 7 months. It's time for that serious conversation.
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I'm 20 years old and my boyfrriend is 24.We are both employed.He never spoils me nor take me out.I only get a present on my birthday.Every month ends he takes his sister 's kids to fancy resturants at the mall,pays the kids 's hair ,gives her sister some cash and the kids but He never does those kinds of things for me.Sometimes I feel like im just a sex made to him and when I tell him how I feel He says I must not copy what is happening on other people 's relationships.What must I do. (link)
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No, he must not give you money. Attention, yes. Money, no. If you feel like you're just sex then talk about that. If you feel like you're entitled to more money than his sister and nephews he's absolutely right that you don't get to copy his relationships with his family and you probably need to end the relationship and find someone who's more keen to spend money on you or something.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. lately I've been feeling like he's holding me back.
I've always wanted to travel and do things with my life. I never wanted to be the settle down get married and have kids type. Right now I work 50 hours a week, I'm barely scraping by. I'm 21 and I haven't done anything with my life at all.
My boyfriend has just graduated college. He lives with me and doesn't have a job, and I'm supporting him, paying all the rent and bills and food and all that. So I can't afford to go out with friends and stuff. Which, for him is totally ok, becuase he's the type that likes to stay in and watch movies.
I just feel that if I stay with him, I'm stuck with this boring life forever. But I do love him for his humor, his personality, his intelligence, the sex is great, and many other things. He is a really great guy. I'm afraid that I've been with him for so long that I've gotten comfortable and wouldn't know how to be with anyone else.
I'm just so lost right now and I don't think this little explanation does it justice. I don't know what to do. Any and ALL feedback would be great.
Thanks (link)
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If you're working 50 hours a week to support a household and are succeeding but just barely, you do not exist within the financial circle that you get to have the exciting traveling life.
This is more about you than him. You feel trapped by your life, not your relationship.
What's with the job thing on his side? You said just, it's September and he graduated in May? Is he job hunting?
Personally I think you need a new plan for yourself, and nothing you've said lets me know whether this relationship would work or not work.
But your problem now is that you're realizing that adult life is mostly glamorless. You had a bunch of adolescent fantasies about how your life would be, but you have not lived a life which set you up to be a professional who travels for work or to have the money to travel for fun.
Can that change? No idea. But if that's what needs to change, that's what you need to figure out. Don't put your unhappiness on your relationship here, because everything you've expressed says that the problem is yours and yours alone at this point.
It's not even defined. You want to travel and "do things with your life" but you don't even have things to list. You don't actually have a dream here, so what exactly could your relationship be holding you back from? If you were in here saying "I have this plan and my life is unsustainable with him in it, here are the problems he causes which detract from my ability to deal with the world around me in a healthy and effective manner" it would be different.
You are chafing under adult responsibility. Yeah, you seem to resent that he isn't contributing to the household. That's fine, it's a problem it sounds like you have not addressed to him and need to. So go take care of that and have a serious conversation about it.
Beyond that, if he goes out and gets a job and contributes and you can afford to go out and you still feel like this, it has nothing to do with him. If you want to get out more, express that need. See if he can recognize and change his habits to make you happier.
The best relationships are comfortable. That doesn't mean they're absent passion. You said the sex is great, so yours obviously isn't either. If you crave the adrenaline rush of excitement it's not his job to provide you with that. It's his job to go out with you to find some of it and experience it with you. But there is also a point to be made that it's not your relationship's job to satisfy every need you ever have. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices, sometimes you have to make your own changes to make yourself happy without depending on someone else to give you the motivation or a plan and without resenting them if it blows up in your face.
That's how life works.
Oh and last, great sex isn't required for every relationship, just for all the relationships where someone brings up sex as a positive or negative of the relationship in conversation.
If you both don't care, sure, sex can be sacrificed. You care. Good sex isn't optional. Nor is it a byproduct of a good relationship by default. The more you like sex, the more sexual compatibility is important. So, say, for me, it's absolutely critical. Bad sex is an absolute deal breaker, I cannot look at someone with attraction if they aren't good in bed.
There's nothing wrong with that, either. I'm allowed to have my own individual needs in a relationship, so are you. Ignore people who tell you that things which are a priority for you shouldn't be.
Thing is, you also have to be aware that they are YOUR priorities. They matter most to you, and you have the most responsibility by far to see that your priorities are met.
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Firstly I'm male age 20, my gf is 17. We have been together for 2 years now, back in high school when I was 18 and she was 15. We live in California, and have never had sex.
She has wanted to make love for a while now, but I have always been worried about getting in trouble. I was reading the laws on statutory rape and they say that if Im more than 3 years older than her I could go to jail if someone found out. And it doesnt help that her adoptive parents (who are emotionally and physically abusive towards her) dont like me.
I am technically a little more than 3 years older than her, but currently since Im 20 it seems like just 3 years and no one cares.
So I guess I want to know if the police would really take this seriously if her parents reported it, and if I would really go to jail (Im a nice guy and I care about her. Ive known her my whole life and would never want to hurt or manipulate her, but I know other people would think I was just because of the age thing.)
So what do you guys think? Is this really a big deal? Will I really be treated like a pedophile or something? And please dont tell me to just go out with girls my age. I want to get her away from her abusive parents when she turns 18. We both want to marry each other and have kids when we are older. It just sucks that we happened to be born a little too far apart...
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Rahzie is right.
Basically, you're not allowed to take off her panties or touch what's under it. That's the law in California.
Keep your shit to yourself. No one can do anything about what you do in your private life if no one is privy to what you do in your private life.
If you're really that concerned about it, go read the california penal code. They lay it out pretty clearly, if couched in alot of legal language.
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I'm a thirteen-year-old girl. In elementary school, I was mostly attracted to guys. I sometimes had crushes on girls, too -- but I always tried to ignore the feeling.
It got even worse in seventh grade, when I had a major crush on a female teacher. I couldn't always concentrate on my work because I was staring at her and thinking about how much I wanted to kiss her. I soon decided to accept the fact that I saw girls in the same way I saw guys.
I've identified as bisexual for a while now. I recently started dating a girl who also identifies as bisexual. I have dated a couple guys in the past, but I was never really happy with them. Having a girlfriend now makes me realize how much I love being with a girl.
It's been a while since I was actually attracted to a guy. Now it seems like I'm only interested in girls. And when I think about it, I feel like I would only be truly happy with a girl.
I'm completely aware that I'm still thirteen and that I might be a little young to be worrying about this. But I really wish I knew why I feel this way. Why is it that I was mostly attracted to guys in elementary school but am now hardly attracted to them at all? (link)
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Some people think sexuality is fluid. That it changes for people over time, or at least that it can, though it doesn't always happen.
Personally I think you just haven't met any guys your age or near your age who you find attractive. At 13 you're expressing yourself more coherently than plenty of college age women do. I had to go back and check to make sure, you didn't miss a single apostrophe. Kinda rare on the internet, especially in the "still live with my parents and it's not weird" age bracket.
Don't worry about it. You feel this way because you have a girlfriend and you really like her. It's pretty normal to find your attraction to other people drop off significantly when you're in love with someone. And also maybe because the more intelligent you are the less likely you generally are to find guys under the age of 18 attractive.
Lots of teen guys these days seem to be entitled bratty assholes. There were plenty when I was that age, I'm not sure if the numbers have gone up or if they're just more omnipresent because of social media. Either way, there's plenty to go around and you might well find yourself more attracted to guys later in life when we grow up and some of us turn into decent people.
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What do you do in a situation where you can't find love and accept the fact that you have to "just let it happen" but CANNOT ignore your body's sexual needs any longer? I'm a virgin but do you think it's OK for me to find someone to start hooking up with? Just so I don't go insane from being horny? I literally have never done any sexual activity but CANNOT stop thinking about sex. I've only ever found one guy that I really have feelings for and he has a girlfriend. I have been pretty heartbroken from that experience. I really can't find another guy I like (college boys are immature) and don't want to force trying to find one. I am so horny it makes me moody. (Yes, I have done everything I can to please myself, but I need a man). Help? (link)
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I highly recommend against it.
You asked "is it ok?"
Adults have casual sex plenty. They (hopefully) know what they're getting into and are comfortable with themselves, their sexuality, and their situation. Even then it doesn't always go right.
And yes, sorry, if you're a virgin I do not consider you a full adult yet, even if you're college age or above. It's not a judgement, I just consider learning about sexuality to be part of growing up and you aren't grown until you've had some learning. Most people grow up eventually.
You need something a bit longer term than a hook up, and you need it to be more than a FWB/regular casual sex. You want someone who you can talk to before and after, figure out sex both inside and outside the bedroom. That mandates a relationship.
Sex is a skill. Everyone is borderline terrible at it when they start out. Seriously. Everyone. How do you get better? You have alot of sex. How do you have alot of sex? You find someone who likes you for reasons other than sex so you can spend alot of time together and sex just happens naturally.
It helps in other areas, too. For instance, at some point one or the other of you will knee or elbow the other person in the face. Unless you're with someone who refuses to do anything other than missionary, accidents happen. A boyfriend will be able to see the humor in it. A hook up might just get pissed and leave. And one bad instance of sex can send a FWB running for the hills, so now you've got to go find someone new to sleep with. A boyfriend who cares about you and likes spending time with you can settle back and watch a movie with you and chuckle until you're both horny again.
You don't have to shoot straight for love. You can just go with "like and enjoy spending time around" if you want. Just, you know, ideally you have actually spent some time with them and gotten to know them. Not just a few days/dates or whatever. A few weeks at least. Don't let them know what your schedule is. Just try to find a guy who likes you who you like, and when you feel like it's the right time jump his bones I guess.
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I am 21/f and I've really fucked up. About 2 years ago, I met this guy. We'll call him Fred. Fred is 26 and EXCEPTIONALLY handsome. Probably(definitely) the most handsome man I've ever met. So that was my initial attraction. We hung out a few times over the years but never hooked up or anything. Then at some point he stated that he was looking for a roommate so he and I moved in together about 7 months ago. Its been going great and I really like living with him. I've also gotten to know him a lot better. He's so sweet and kind and he's just unlike anyone I've ever met. We haven't had any issues except one thing; we began having sex about 2 months ago. We've spoken about it and we're both aware that we've broken a major rule about living with the opposite sex. We use protection but we're not exclusive or anything. Besides the little girl inside me wanting to share the sexy secret with all my friends, nobody knows.
And this wouldn't be an issue either but somethings happened that I completely saw coming; I think I'm in love with him. Its not just the sex or the fact that he's got looks like johnny depp on steroids, he shows that he cares about me in little ways and since we live alone together, its easy to notice the small things. I know he doesn't feel the way I do though, and why should he? He's ready to get all his shit in one pile and I feel sick thinking that I've trapped him in this position. It would be so easy to just stop sleeping with him but the sex is so good. Its fantastic and I've never had sex like this with anyone. We experiment and he's so open to new things and we talk and its just so new to me. I've only slept with one other man my entire life and I never enjoyed it. Not like this. I think about this whenever I'm awake. I dream about it when I'm asleep. I'm like obsessed and I don't want to be. I don't think its fair to Fred. We've talked a few times about it but I can just tell he doesn't care for me like I do him. I can deal with never becoming anything more for him, but I can't deal with the guilt that is accompanying me alongside with this INTENSE and CORRODING pleasure. And I can't deal with the thought that our entire friendship in general could get fucked up just because I'm a lovesick harlot. I hate myself for doing this but I'm already in so deep. I don't want to quit. I know I have to though. Its gonna be so difficult though :(( What should I do? Do I move out? Is there anything I can do to keep my emotions from getting in the way of his life? Is it possible for us to keep a sexual relationship going if we're still living together?
HELP (link)
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Good fucking God woman...
You're jumping to alot of assumptions. You've managed to convince yourself that he has no interest in you outside of sex. "You can just tell"
You're an idiot and you're letting your lack of self esteem shade your perceptions of this guy. Stop trusting yourself and what you see and start asking some questions.
Yes, it is possible he doesn't feel the same way. Yes, you're going to need to find a new place to live and get out of the sexual relationship if that is the case. It's going to tear you up more than the good sex is worth to be intimate with him and want to say "I love you" and know you can't.
Yes, it is also possible that you have no idea what you're talking about and that he's completely into you and you're just blind. I mean, you called yourself a lovesick harlot for Christ's sake. Can we get a little more self abuse in this question? I don't think we've hit peak drama yet.
Stop freaking out. If you drive yourself insane you are going to blow whatever chance you might have to make something work.
This is schrodinger's relationship. We know it's one or the other. We have no idea which until the question is asked. You haven't trapped him, you've had good sex with a guy you like.
I can tell there's this huge undercurrent of "I am not worthy of him" flowing through your post.
Stop that shit. Stop it now. Worthy has nothing to do with relationships. We choose people for our own reasons and you don't know this guy enough to know if he's chosen you much less know what his reasons might be.
He isn't perfect and neither are you. Are you a match? Maybe. Need more relationship to find out. Stop approaching this like you're a fangirl walking up to Robert Pattinson and asking him to bite you. Seriously. Stop it. Have a little more self respect, because no one wants to have a "I know you'd never be interested in plain old me but I adore you and worship you and I was hoping you would crush my heart gently and maybe fuck me oh so well a few more times" conversation.
Instead try something like "Fred, we have a problem. Your dick is magical. I'm falling in love with him and I guess we thought you deserved to know. I know it will be a little awkward, but we're going to have to pretend to be in a relationship from this point forward because your dick and I are going to be spending as much time together as possible and we wouldn't want the neighbors to talk. Maybe we could discuss our impending fake exclusive relationship over dinner tonight? Your dick is going to want me to tell him all about it later, he's eager to know if you're cool with it."
Ok that was ridiculous, but you get the idea. The woman who could drop that into the conversation in your situation would be a woman who doesn't feel inferior to the guy she's interested in.
Feeling or acting inferior is enough to scuttle a relationship. It's not that you are inferior. It's that when you act like it, you create an imbalance in the relationship. People who are hopelessly abusive douchebags want partners. Partners imply equality.
Talk to him like there's every possibility that the guy who you say shows you he cares and gives you amazing sex is interested in more. I mean, seriously? You live together and have been having sex for two months, and you think he's not at all interested?
Go talk to him. If you like, report the results. Give details if you do. What got said on both sides. Going to need to know how the conversation went to give you any more insight into the situation.
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So my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We have a great relationship and we plan to keep it that way for forever.
We are in a really great spot right now. I am 25/f and he is 28/m. He just graduated with his masters degree, and I finished my program certification last year. I have a great job and he's got tons of people interested in him with the degree that he has. We just moved in to a new apartment, and in short, our lives are good.
I've always said that I wanted to wait until we are in a stable spot to get married, and I think right now we are. I'm just not sure how to bring it up. There's always that stereotype that girls are just supposed to wait and let guys decide when it's time to get married because they are the ones proposing. If my boyfriend would allow it, I would propose myself (lol) But I know that eventually, he would want to do that.
So anyways. I'm jsut not sure how to bring it up. I don't want to be the naggy girlfriend always bugging him to get married. I just want to know that he's thinking about it and that it's in our future.
Thanks for any and all input! (link)
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In modern relationships it's normal to start discussing marriage views like six months into the relationship. Feeling each other out and sharing perspectives and such when it becomes clear the relationship is serious and has some staying power.
You should have been talking about it already. It's a big decision and should be mutual, not "I wait quietly for him to decide it's the right time"
You're both adults. Have an adult discussion.
How do you bring it up? Have a nice dinner at home. Pick something up that costs a good bit that you both like. Casually drop "So I've been thinking about marriage and I was wondering if you have too" into the conversation.
I don't know where you picked up that stereotype. It's wrong. Discussion is not bugging, and you have every right to lay down some expectations and see how he reacts to them. Obviously marriage is a requirement for you. Does he know that yet?
If not, that's kinda a problem and you two need to talk more.
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I am a retired member of law enforcement in my late 50s. My wife of 35 yrs left me suddenly last month. No discussion, she just was gone. A few days layer she called saying she needed a break. She suffers from major depressive disorder. My kids, late and early teens live with me. My son has shut her out of his life as this is the 2nd such departure she has made in the last yr. My son is angry and hurt by her actions. My young daughter is confused. I know i must care 4 my kids and do so but i am so down. These were to be my retirement yrs,instead it is hell. I am not interested in starting over. But i refuse to get old and eventually be alone. There are no 3rd parties involved here unless u count depression. On the job ive seen how these things can and do play out. Im not going to be sitting all alone staring at the walls or making umteen trips to a therapist. This will end badly 4 me no matter what.But at least i can end me. There is no other options. I feel very sorry 4 my kids. Mayb this way they can find a way to reconcile with their mother.
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I've been where you are. I'm younger than you, but I've had a wife throw away everything we built over years of being together including our family which included a son, and was helpless to stop it.
Self Termination is selfish and stupid.
I think you probably know that.
If I had eaten a bullet or something similar when my wife left me, I would have missed so much with my son. Starting over sucked, but once I got rolling with it, things started to feel normal again. I met a woman, I'm falling in love, life is different than I imagined it a few years ago by far, but different is not all bad. There are still things worth living for.
Never do that to your kids. They'll never get over it. Maybe you're so hurt right now you don't care. If you deal with the realities that life has presented you like an adult, in a few years you'll be glad you're still alive. That's inevitable. The story of literally everyone who hasn't committed suicide is "it got better"
Get some therapy. Go get some exercise. Pretend you're not in your 50s. Try to remember what it was like to not be tired of life all the time.
Yeah, it sucks man. 35 years later... There was no way to plan for or predict this. You can't just throw in the towel. There's still life left to live, things to experience, and things left for you to do.
Don't leave now and leave it all undone.
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I'm fourteen and I haven't started dating yet. I'm socially awkward and kind of shy (especially around boys, regardless of their attractiveness). I don't go to a traditional public school, so I rarely meet boys my age who would ask a girl out. But being a hopeless romantic, I dream of being in a relationship.
I recently went to a summer music festival for orchestral and chamber music where I met a guy who I really, really like. I can't stop thinking about him, even though we said goodbye a week ago. He doesn't like me back, not that way. He's eighteen and going to college next year. Since the world of professional orchestral musicians is so small, I thought I had a chance of playing with him again, but it turns out that he's not going into music. I might never see him again.
Should I try to get over him? (link)
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Yeah, you should.
If you ever meet him again in the future, hey, maybe you flirt and see what happens. Don't count on it or try to figure out how to make it happen or anything like that. Just let it go and put him out of your mind until you stop missing him, not much else you can do. Distance sucks and you shouldn't consider getting into it at 14. Distance relationships are for adults with the ability to move across the country to make something work.
Work on just talking to guys. Lots of people are shy and socially awkward, even extroverts can be and often are. Just talk to them. We're really not a whole lot different from you, just taught different things about our identity by society.
A piece of advice. I'm in my late 20s. There are plenty of women my age who can't express themselves as coherently as you just did in this post. You are pretty far above the average in intelligence and perception.
Don't settle.
Speaking as someone of above average intelligence and perception, there are few things that suck worse than being in a relationship with someone 20 IQ points shy of being on level ground with you.
Be a hopeless romantic. Feel free to have fun, but pay attention to the people you date and don't commit unless you're dealing with someone you can hold an intelligent conversation with. Lots of guys are assholes. The percentage rises the lower down on the IQ chart you go. Men aren't exactly raised to be analytical critical thinkers and you shouldn't settle for someone who lacks the intelligence to rise above all that. You'll be a hell of alot more miserable than someone on his level would be.
I gave up on finding an equal and as a result it took me 28 years and a divorce to really find the right person.
Don't be me. Don't settle. You'll know if you are later in life.
Sorry that's alot to load on a 14 year old, but I wish someone had flicked me in the forehead and pointed this out when I was your age.
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