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what would you do?
My boyfriend is from another country and he is muslim. We have been dating for about 7 months now. He buys me lots of nice things (for no reason) constantly, and he is very sweet. He's always doing and saying nice things to me. He always goes out of his way, and meets my "demands" with things. haha I really care about him a lot.
The problem, is that he won't tell his parents about me. He says that they will think he is marrying me, and that he is never coming home. I think that is stupid, why can't he just tell him we are just dating? He said they won't understand and he wants to be sure that we are getting married first. Also, because of this he won't post pictures of me on facebook. (he doesn't have any pictures of any girl on his facebook) I asked why can't you just say I'm like a friend from class? & he says I don't understand, & they will wonder why out of nowhere he's put a picture up when hes never done it before..
I don't know, I understand it to an extent. I understand that if he tells his parents, they will think he is never coming home.
All of his friends here know about me, they've seen me, etc. I don't think he is cheating on me. He constantly gives me his phone to use & sends texts in front of me, etc. & I'm with him like all day, every day. He will even send facebook messages in front of me, etc.. I'm really not worried about that. I'd realy like some opinions from people who know about this culture, etc. Because i'm just having a hard time understanding!
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The dating thing is a serious cultural issue. Families and marriage work differently, especially in Muslim countries. He isn't going to tell them, really he can't. It's difficult to explain this to someone who's never lived in that culture who hasn't read about it extensively and known people who have lived in that culture who will talk freely about it.
I recommend dumping him for different reasons than Rahzie. If he is refusing to show his parents you even exist after 7 months he comes from a culture that takes marriage seriously and has certain very firm expectations for a woman's role which will be unfamiliar and unwelcome.
As she said, it's not that he's a bad person. It's that he comes from an entirely different culture than you do. Right now he is assimilating to our culture, living by our norms. If marriage comes up, there's something like a 90% chance he will expect you to move to his country with him, and when you do he will expect you to assimilate to his cultural norms.
You need to do a few things if you want this relationship to continue past this point. You need to bring up permanence and where he thinks this relationship is going. If he just likes spending time with you, perhaps sleeping with you, and is having fun dating you, that might be fine with you. It might not. He might just be enjoying the American dating scene, he might seriously be thinking about marriage.
The conversation needs to happen. And you need to make it absolutely clear that under no circumstances are you leaving your country. This is in your best interest, no matter how much you love him you aren't going to love his culture. If you think sexism can be bad in Western culture, you have no idea how bad it can be wherever he is from. If he's from a country where he's not showing his parents he's dating because of the marriage implications, especially if he expects that if you marry him you'd be returning with him to his country, it's not a culture you want to be involved in.
I will repeat that just to be sure. DO NOT MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR THIS GUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The laws are different, and you do not want to end up unhappy in a marriage in another country where you cannot legally divorce him and cannot leave the country without his consent.
This is a serious conversation that needs to happen. Is he fine with staying in your country with you? If not, are you both fine with this relationship being something fun for now which will end later on when he has to move back or whatever? There's nothing wrong with that second option, you're 18 and if this guy isn't the last guy you'll ever date that doesn't mean you have to dump him right away.
But you need to figure out where his head is and where yours is. It's been 7 months. It's time for that serious conversation.
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I would dump him.
I understand perfectly well that he wants to keep this from his parents. He is probably completely right: They wouldn't understand the concept of Western 'dating'. They might panic, or threaten him, for behaving against their wishes. If he is dependant on them for financial support, it could seriously mess up his education plans, and even if he doesn't need their money, it's totally fair that he doesn't want to expose himself to their judgement, or cause them pain and fear.
None of that makes him a horrible person - but it does make him a pretty lousy person to be the girlfriend of. His values are perfectly valid and understandable, but that doesn't mean they need to be okay by you.
He's not cheating on you, but he's also not doing the work to be with you, and after seven months together it's fair to start asking "If not now, when?" If he doesn't have a good, clear answer to that question (ie, at what point in a relationship he feels it's appropriate to let his parents know about it), then dumping him should be a serious consideration.
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I don't care what foreign country a student is from. If they came to the U.S. to study and the family is adamant that they return to live with family once they are done, then they will do so, because they were raised in a culture where the societal customs are to honor the wishes of the parents and not bring shame on the family or do anything that goes against the beliefs they were brought up with. In some countries, some ethnic groups you will always find people who do not want marriage outside of their race or beliefs.
The fact he won't tell the parents means that in the end he most likely will do as they wish and go home If he's developed feelings for someone from the US, that person may or maynot be accepted by his relatives, even if married. Depending on the country his family lives in, women have a lot less rights in other countries. He may be the sweetest guy, but when push comes to shove, and you go to his country as his wife, the wishes of family will most likely come first, and you second. HE will have to prove that he is the man of the house and usually means you have no rights. It will not be the equal thing that we have the chance for here in the U.S.
If he has not posted photos of other friends, male and female, then to post you all of a sudden would definitely be suspicious to any family who had facebook in his country.
It is a sad thing to fall for someone from another country who plans to return,because that means either breaking up with him for that reason or marrying and going there to who knows what awaits you. His family could be very hip and all for womens rights but many countries are still very behind the times. Women should only keep house and raise children, not work, they have no say, what husband says goes. or what his elders say goes. Once married, your rights are gone.
If he was willing to settle in the u.S. I'd say, it sounds like a better deal. But I knew someone whose guy did all he could to be sweet and win the girl. Lived in U.S. with his family but was so deeply into the customs of his country of origin and muslim beliefs that this girl I worked with changed overnight from the moment she got married to him. She began to wear clothing to cover her whole body, showing only her face and hands, and her personality changed. She changed what she ate too. She was a solumn private person from the happy fun outgoing person she used to be. I have no details on what her home life changed to when married but it had a big enough impact on her just at work. I would say to be careful and insist on going to meet his family and stay for a while visiting as a single girl if you are bound and determined to go that path. If he will not allow it, or they would not allow you there unless you were married, then it might be best to not go. In this country, you can set up a domestic partnership with a guy and other than legal papers enjoy a long term maybe life long relationship like husband and wife. But if things do not go well, you still have your own birth name and can split easily. And often a guy will treat a female better if he knows theres no marriage contract holding them together, because of the fact that it is so easy for her to leave him if he treats her bad. I have known people from many different religious and ethnic background. My dad raised us kids to look past that and evaluate a person based on just his/her own set of values and how they treat others.
I married someone who treated me well while we dated and for the first handful of months of marriage but then it changed and I was with him for 30 yrs of verbal abuse. If I had it to do over again, and as I tell my own daughters...do not marry until many years later if you really wish, keep your own name, set up house and live together for at least 4-5 yrs with a guy. It is hard to hide things from someone else and things in behaviour that you wont tolerate will come out eventually with any guy, muslim or not. The best thing is living to gether. then if it turns out he is not the kind of person you want to spend rest of your life with, it is easy to walk away.
I think the ancient celts had the best idea, to be handfast which meant you made a commitment to be married to the person for a year and a day. At which point the two would decide if they wished to renew for another year or part ways. this way, couples who thought they were a perfect match must give it a try for a year, you couldnt back out sooner but then you decided whether to go for another year. If a guy has to treat you well enough to keep you for another year, lots of women would be either treated better or lots of women would be leaving terrible guys only after a year or two.
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