My boyfriend hasn't had sex with me in a week and I feel bad? (Adults)
Question Posted Tuesday October 22 2013, 1:40 pm
Okay so first off we're both adults, have been together a long time and live together, I'm just noting that to give some sort of perspective since there are so many young girls on this site talking about sex.
Usually my boyfriend wants to have sex every three days or so. It's been a week now and he hasn't even tried to have sex with me and I almost feel guilty and bad about it.
Last time we had sex it was bad for me because it hurt so much and he knows it. This might sound selfish or inconsiderate but it's him who's making it bad.
I'm a very petite girl (under 5FT and 78 pounds) and he's tall and fit so naturally he's "large" physically (in the obvious department). I try my hardest to please him in every way in bed and do whatever he asks me to do or at least try it.
The problem is he refuses to use lubricant because he doesn't think I should need it.
So basically he tries to fit something that's already too big for me in without enough moisture which is horrible.
I bleed almost every time and sometimes it hurts so bad I have to really try hard not to cry.
The other problem is that he gets turned on very quickly and I don't. He'll kiss my neck once and then expect me to want to have sex when I'm just not ready and of course that makes it hurt too.
The worst part is he asks me why it's bad for me like he wants to fix it and I tell him why but it just keeps going back to the same problems.
This week has been kind of weird. It seems like he's really just not trying at all or he will do something sexual and then just not continue.
What I mean is like last night I was on the couch and he grabbed my breast and then kissed my neck twice and I started kissing him back and then he just stopped and we watched a movie and then went to bed.
It's been like that all week and it's very irritating to me to the point it's making me angry. The day before yesterday he carried me to the bedroom and we started kissing and after maybe 30 seconds he asked me if I was ready and I told him not yet and then he just gave up and walked away to go play video games.
Like he's really not even trying to turn me on he just expects one boob grab to make me aroused enough to have sex.
Half of me feels horrible because I feel like he's scared now to have sex with me and I feel like it's my fault that I can't just make myself aroused in .03 seconds.
What should I do?
I feel like talking about it is going to be awkward and it's going to just make me feel worse.
I will emphasize something though. Refusing to use lube "because you shouldn't need it" is horrifyingly ignorant and selfish. Bleeding and crying during sex because he won't use enough is...
That is not ok. That is something you should be outraged about. I'm kind of outraged from reading it. I know you love him, but good fucking God that's terrible. He deserves to get kicked in the nuts a few times for that.
And I'm a guy, so when I advocate nut-kicking, it's serious.
He wants you to be what he wants in bed. He is too fucking stupid to understand that you can't be because what he wants is entirely self centered and unrealistic.
DUMP HIM. From what you just described, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt there are other things in your relationship that are equally unacceptable which you overlook because you love him or don't know any better. Not trying to be condescending, even adults can be in bad relationships and not know that it should be better. What he is doing is borderline abusive. It's emotionally and physically neglectful.
Do not ALLOW him to have sex with you without lube. Do not ALLOW him to penetrate you without adequate foreplay. If he walks away entirely, that tells you where you rank on his priority list and at least you might not have to do the dumping. If he forces the issue, it becomes physical abuse and potentially rape.
Your boyfriend is a selfish piece of shit who needs to have his failings explained to him in angry and disparaging detail in the context of a breakup. Continue dating him at your own peril.
My ex wife was small and I am thick. We used lube liberally to prevent the problems you're having. There were times when after a long session of sex she wouldn't be able to for a few days while she recovered. But in the moment, she enjoyed the hell out of it, because I made sure I did what was necessary to make that happen.
adviceman49 answered Wednesday October 23 2013, 12:18 pm: First do you realize that at 5'and 78 pounds you're grossly under weight by about 30 pounds and that is if you are small framed. If you are medium framed or larger you are even more underweight. Being this much underweight is one of the reasons you are having problems accommodating your boyfriend.
Remember what you vagina is built for. It is built to deliver a child into this world. It is therefore meant to stretch and accommodate the exit of the child from the birth canal. Your boyfriends penis may be large but he is not that large that your vagina cannot stretch to accommodate him.
Being as underweight as you are your body is not functioning properly. You are not lubricating, partly because your boyfriend is a horrible lover but partly because you are so underweight that in order to save itself the body shuts down certain systems. To send what it has to the most important systems needed for life. Your reproductive system is the first system to shut down.
The muscles in your vagina being part of the reproductive system may not be getting what they need in order to function properly. Therefore they remain frozen and are not stretching as they should.
Question do you get regular periods? Being this much underweight you should not be.
I'm not a doctor but I do know about anorexia. A good friends daughter died of this illness weighing slightly less then you when she died. So unless the 78 pounds is a typo leaving out a 1 and you actually weigh and you 178 then you need to see a doctor about your weight.
Next your boyfriend is a selfish lover; Interested in his own satisfaction. The only way to fix this is to try and teach him how to be a better lover. Lets face it sex is a learned act. It requires both partners to not only communicate their needs but to show each other how they like to be touched and where they like to be touched.
Foreplay is the bigger and to me the better and more intimate act of sex. TO be brutally frank no one needs a partner to get off. Masturbation will do that for you. Oral sex is a big part of foreplay both giving and receiving. Oral sex is a learned activity and different partners have different needs and likes when it comes to this act.
I suggest you try to talk to your boyfriend about sex and his lack of foreplay and its intimacy. Tell him you want to get naked with him but there is not going to be any sex just touching and fondling. The end result of this lesson is to bring each other to a climax using just your fingers and mouth. Kissing, stroking, fondling, licking but no intercourse. Learn Where each others erogenous zones are. I'm fairly certain if you try this with him he will find he can get off more than once in a night simply by touching and will make intercourse more enjoyable for both of you. For you it will give you time to get excited and to lubricate properly if you are able too.
Dragonflymagic answered Tuesday October 22 2013, 7:42 pm: As I see it, there are 3 issues here.
One being that you are small and his penis is too large. Trust me, even with lubrication, he will be too large and it will not completely make him feel happy if he can only get part way in. Most average size guys are 5-6 inches long, and there are 7-8 that are not too unusual but a female is also not long in the vagina, there are those odd exceptions in men and women who have the length of 9 inches and beyound, but they are not the norm. The female when aroused fully will gain maybe 2 inches in length because her uterus and cervix will pull back during arousal up further inside of her giving the extra room length wise but then circumferance wise he's not have to be too big either.
I consider myself petite too at 110 which is a much larger person than you. In dating, I once had a guy who was 8 inches long and that was too much for me. He was careful and we used lube and tried different positions but the tip of the penis would hit soft tissue to either side of the cervix and hit some nerves that sent painful charlie horse cramps down my legs. I froze up in instant pain that wouldnt stop until he stopped. As a result, that relationship ended. He was nice and understanding about it. He also knew how to arouse a woman so that wasnt the issue.
2. Your second issue is that your guy is totally ignorant about sexuality, sex, lovemaking, the females body and what makes it tick sexually etc. etc... To try to learn by just experience, without asking the female questions, listening to her and trying what she asks for is stupid. We all have opportunities to deal with our self studies on the subject of sex. I know of accounts where guys have learned something online by watch ing a video or two or sexuality and come back and their girl found an improvement in the expereince.
When a couple is boyfriend/girlfriend, one assumes that they are together because they have serious feelings for each other, that they truly love each other. Some people have a friends with benefits situation just to have a sex partner to take care of their sexual needs...and that is okay but even then the sex partner should care about you enjoying the experience, after all its supposed to be an enjoyable act, not a painful one, and definitely there should be no damage to the other person as in bleeding unless the both of them are into pain and bleeding and both consenting to that version of having sex.The act can be considered just sex with a friend but if the two are in love, then it becomes 'lovemaking' the most important of many ways of showing the other how much you love them but wanting to pleasure them and bring their needs first. It is a connecting of more than just your bodies but your souls and your energys also.
3. Lastly another issue that i can see is that he is selfish, only taking into consideration that which will take care of his needs first, not taking into consideration yours. Nope, he is not scared of having sex with you, he's shown he doesnt care enough, with not wanting to use lube, not taking time to arouse you, etc... He doesnt care enough to stop having sex with you out of consideration of your needs. Nope, so if his attitude hasn't changed and he is still centered on only what gratifies his sexual needs, how do you think he is getting them met? Either he isnt and the pressure is building, or he does masturbating but thats not enough so he's still frustrated, wanting totally fullfillment and satisfaction for himself, or he has found another girl to have sex with. If he hasn't yet, how long before he does. If he already has no consideration for your feelings, why is he with you. If the sex is crummy, then what does he get out of the relationship? He's there for some reason other than sex.
You need to learn more about your own body too dear cus it sure as heck is not your fault for not being aroused in a few seconds.
I hate to say it but he sounds like a total jerk. I know you must have found something in him that you like. So if you think that you two have enough going for you in other areas of the relationship, then you need to tell him that the area of sex is a serious issue and that you need his full cooperation is he still cares about you. If he doesnt he better say so now. If he says he still cares about you...then tell him there needs to be some serious changes in the sex department cus if there isn't it could seriously destroy the relationship or at least the love and respect for each other and cause one or the other or both of you to seek sexual fullfilment outside the relationship, which at that point brings into question why the heck are you together anyways.
Let me know if you want some links to good site to get started on learning about sexuality. You both have a lot to learn. I can not imagine how you could take years and years of bleeding and never being sexually fulfilled. If you could just tonight have a man show you how wonderful it could be, be lavished on, be brought to multiple orgasms and treated like a queen, then you could never go back to what you have been enduring. You'd expect him to change to become like that...which he can do, anyone can learn, or you would leave him if he was not willing and would never allow him to touch you ever again. You simply don't know that there is better. I look back and still shake my head wondering why I stayed with my ex as long as I did. The answer was simple...until I had a chance to experience something better, I had no idea what i was missing. Not only was he inexperienced but we also had no sexual chemistry, that spark of excitement between us where we desired each other. I found excuses to not have sex cus it was a chore and did nothing for me sexually and yet i had 3 kids with him. Once I left him and started dating, I was pleased to discover that many guys really cared about putting the pleasures of a female first. Then after that, I discovered I enjoyed sex better with those whom I had naturally a chemistry with, and lastly, once I was selecting those guys all the time as partners, by chance I met a guy whom I felt a spiritual/or soul connection to during sex, and after that I could not go back to anything less. Once I finally knew what I was looking for in a partner for the rest of my life, I was picky and selective but i finally found the man who loves me in all ways and I have great sex with and that soul connection to.
I wish the same for you. Hopefully he is willing to change, if not, you will have to make those hard decisions to break up, no matter the amount of time invested into him and no matter that your heart has feelings and is attached to him and will feel lots of pain with the break...in time that will heal. If he's not willing to work on it, your sex life will never heal. If anything else comes up you'd like to discuss with me, something specific, I am always willing to help. As a formerly abused wife, also sexually mismatched, this topic is near and dear to my heart. Good luck dear. [ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question ]
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