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How to bring up getting married?
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We have a great relationship and we plan to keep it that way for forever.
We are in a really great spot right now. I am 25/f and he is 28/m. He just graduated with his masters degree, and I finished my program certification last year. I have a great job and he's got tons of people interested in him with the degree that he has. We just moved in to a new apartment, and in short, our lives are good.
I've always said that I wanted to wait until we are in a stable spot to get married, and I think right now we are. I'm just not sure how to bring it up. There's always that stereotype that girls are just supposed to wait and let guys decide when it's time to get married because they are the ones proposing. If my boyfriend would allow it, I would propose myself (lol) But I know that eventually, he would want to do that.
So anyways. I'm jsut not sure how to bring it up. I don't want to be the naggy girlfriend always bugging him to get married. I just want to know that he's thinking about it and that it's in our future.
Thanks for any and all input!
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In modern relationships it's normal to start discussing marriage views like six months into the relationship. Feeling each other out and sharing perspectives and such when it becomes clear the relationship is serious and has some staying power.
You should have been talking about it already. It's a big decision and should be mutual, not "I wait quietly for him to decide it's the right time"
You're both adults. Have an adult discussion.
How do you bring it up? Have a nice dinner at home. Pick something up that costs a good bit that you both like. Casually drop "So I've been thinking about marriage and I was wondering if you have too" into the conversation.
I don't know where you picked up that stereotype. It's wrong. Discussion is not bugging, and you have every right to lay down some expectations and see how he reacts to them. Obviously marriage is a requirement for you. Does he know that yet?
If not, that's kinda a problem and you two need to talk more.
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Something I really don't like is the idea that the decision to get married is a one time conversation. It's a huge decision to make, and it should be an ongoing dialogue so that both of you are on board and each person knows where the other's expectations lie.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking him what he thinks on the subject of marriage. You can let him know that there's no pressure, but that you want to know if both of you have the same priorities in the relationship. There's nothing naggy about that.
Your head is in the right place. You're not stamping your feet and pouting because you have the perfect princess wedding planned out in your head and your boyfriend isn't cooperating. You just want to know if you're wasting your time waiting for a ring when there isn't one coming. You want to know if there's an intent for lifelong commitment, which is more than fair after 5 years of a healthy relationship.
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After 5 years with what you describe as a pretty stable relationship with two mature people, I would hope that a good, real communication between the two of you exists. A couple like you should be able to discuss anything. Are either of you the type who is ever curious as to what the other is thinking at any particular point in time...asking hey what are you thinking about right now, you're kinda quiet.
We realistically should feel secure enough in a relationship to bring up any topic including marriage. This also would fall under trust...that a partner would be willing to listen to you, hear you out and not shoot you down on what you have to say, what you believe and want.
While there are committed relationships that have made it life long without a wedding and marriage certificate (my sister is one ) there are laws that makes certain things easier when married such as medical insurance coverage.
Forget the stereotypes. If your guy really really loves you, those won't matter to him. If he feels threatened as a man by a supposed role reversible, maybe you should be checking him out for a bit longer instead of wanting to rush into marriage to him. Just pick a day that he doesnt seem to be stressed and ask him, hey I've been thinking that we seem to be in a pretty stable position and have reached some of our goals. We havent spelled it out, but is marriage still a goal to you? Or do you have anything against getting a legal marriage certificate? I'd like to talk a bit and see what else needs to happen before you are ready to marry. I want you to know I feel ready now. If it's just a matter of someone hiring you and you starting a job before we get engaged, then lets agree on that now.
You want to set a deadline. If you reach the deadline and he has a reasonable reason to put it off again for months or another year, then you could go with it. But if he keeps pushing it off, then he may have a subconscious fear of the legal part of a marriage. Don't go for a long term engagement. Get engaged for long enough to plan the wedding and then marry.
How this next thought opens your eyes as to where you stand right now:
This relationship has been around for 5 yrs. thats like an engagement in itself, just without a engagement ring and words said. Dating and living together to discover if the person you're with is someone you want to marry should only take about a year to fully know the person. He's then had about 4 years to become engaged to you. And it hasn't happened because somewhere along the line, one or both of you said you wanted to wait until you were stable. If the conversation did not include examples you agreed on back then of what you both considered 'stable" then its high time to line that out. Good luck dear.
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